See Dad Run (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

Wow, Joe's team is really bad.
We're down by seven runs.
Eight! Nine.
Nothing better than watching your little brother play baseball.
Go panthers! Your brother plays for the Hawks.
Whatever.
Didn't your mom tell me that you have some important psychology project that you're supposed to be working on? - Go Hawks! - Yeah, I thought so.
What's Joe doing out there? Digging for rocks.
Here it comes, Joe! Put down the rock, Joe.
There it goes, Joe! Here they come, Joe! Aaw! Yay! Mercy rule.
Let's go home.
- What? - Dad, you're snack mom.
I think this is when you hand out the cupcakes.
Why? They lost.
Second place is almost first! No, it's not.
We tried our best! That was their best? At least we have our health! Health? They played like they're life support.
I literally think a cupcake would kill them.
Hang on.
- Hey, dad, it's cupcake time! - Yeah, listen Joe.
Um, you don't seem too upset that you lost.
'Cause I'm not.
Check out what I got for my collection.
Cha-ching! Yeah, that's a real beauty, pal.
Hey, does your coach even care about winning? I don't know, it's never come up.
Hold onto your rocks.
I'm gonna have a word with him.
Uh, oh.
Hey, guys, work ran late.
I'm sorry I missed the game.
Aren't you going to ask me how it went? Oh No.
You're looking at the new coach of the Hawks! - Uh-oh.
- That's what I said.
So I'm coaching Joe's team.
Why does everybody keep saying "uh-oh?" What do you mean, "uh-oh?" I mean, oh crap, this is not good.
I love you.
So, how did you get the coaching job anyway? I walked over to the guy and asked him if I could take over his job, and he kissed me on the mouth and ran to his car.
I happen to think I'd make a good coach.
And I happen to agree that you'd absolutely think that.
But, sweetie, you're a tad Competitive.
Competitive? Please, honey.
Just because I didn't want to hand out cupcakes to a team that lost by the "having your ass handed to you" rule? Wait, you didn't hand out the cupcakes? - I did.
- Aw! Eventually.
I'll tell you, for a bunch of losers, they have a very strong sense of entitlement.
They're not losers.
They came in second, and second is almost first.
Yeah.
See that's what's wrong with America, in my day Oh, please don't be the "in my day" guy You got a reward when you won.
And it wasn't a cupcake.
- You're being him.
- I am not, honey, come on.
I just want Joe to win.
I want the team to win.
I want him to be a winner.
Please promise me you're not gonna do anything crazy here, okay? Because I don't want Joe to get hurt, emotionally or otherwise.
I promise I won't do anything crazy.
All right.
Need I remind you of my much-beloved baseball episode, "most valuable dad.
" Where I coach my TV son to the league championship? Nobody's feelings got hurt.
Need I remind you about the real life "Celebrity Softball Game" when you started a brawl and you took out Ryan Seacrest and a Kardashian? In my defense, it was the big Kardashian and she was throwing inside.
And the other one was Ryan Seacrest.
Did you pick a topic for your psych mid-term presentation yet? Yep.
"How teenage procrastination causes parents to lose their minds.
" You're a genius.
Nobody knows how to make their parents lose their minds better than you.
Thank you! Here's my plan.
I pretend to blow off my project long enough, document the whole thing, they'll ground me.
Hello, A! Hey, girls.
How's your project coming? What project? - Hey Joe, practice, one hour.
- Okay, cool.
I'm gonna get into my uniform and gather my geological sample bags.
- Where did we go wrong? - We? Hello, coach David, I am very for our first rehearsal.
"Practice," Kevin.
And dude, this isn'tGlee.
Is that the roster? Um - The cast list.
- Yeah.
All right, let's see.
Weaver, 345.
Beach, 415.
Weitzman, 630.
Wow, these are impressive batting averages.
Oh, I have no idea what a batting average is, but those are the times the kids are available for Practice.
- Yeah, Weitzman has Hebrew school till 6:30.
But if he skips his knish break, he could be good to go by 6:15.
- Hey dad, have you seen my cup? - Where'd you see it last? Well, I was using it as a sifter to sort rocks.
You're using it on the wrong stones, brother.
That was a great practice, dad.
This bump on my head makes me feel like a real ball player.
Yeah, and you looked like a real ball player.
Running, digging Sifting.
Oh, Kevin, again sorry for the confusion.
I assumed you knew that "heads up" meant "look out.
" Not "try to catch the ball with your face.
" It is not my first blow to the head, David.
Nor will it be my last.
Or my first.
Hey, players, how was practice? Great, mom.
We threw stuff.
We hit stuff.
I even sweated.
Smell my pits.
That's how I knew you were home.
Hit the showers.
Wow.
I am impressed, coach.
Why is he swollen? Joe is um, how do I put this delicately? He's horrible! My God, I've never seen anything like it.
That bump on his head? It's not from trying to catch.
It's from trying to throw.
He's the un-natural.
It was a field of broken dreams.
"Heads up.
" That's hilarious.
Who comes up with this stuff? Kevin, you're not driving home, are you? No, no.
I'm driving.
Well, the good news is, this team knocked all the competitiveness right out of me.
I can't even help this team.
I mean, honey, I've never seen so many allergies.
Grass.
Pollen.
Gluten.
Two kids were allergic to each other.
I counted.
We've got six bats and seven inhalers.
Ready for this? I told one kid to run home.
And he did.
Literally! Unbelievable.
Emily left her psychology binder in the refrigerator.
This drives me crazy.
Doesn't this make you angry? - Grrr.
- Oh, come on, David.
This isn't funny.
She's putting her project off till the last minute again.
It's worth half her grade and it's due on Friday.
What do you want me to say, honey? Come on.
The kid has been getting straight a's since birth.
How do you think she got those straight a's? She needs me to push her.
- Here's a crazy plan.
- What? Don't push her.
Okay, so you're saying we should make her responsible for her own work.
- Yeah, sure.
- I know, right? Hold on.
Hey, guys, have you seen my psych binder? - Try the fridge.
- Can you believe it, Mary? I left it in the fridge.
That's hilarious.
Oh, quick psych question.
Am I crazy or did Carlos look super hot today? I'm sorry, did you say something? - No.
- Nothing to say here, honey.
Psych project due in two days.
Alarming lack of parental response.
Should've been grounded by now.
Wondering what next move is.
Also wondering about Carlos.
He did look super hot today.
When can we get some ice-cream? In a minute, sweetie.
First we've gotta get some mommy things.
What mommy things? Things daddy shouldn't have to get for mommy, but mommy says it's the least that daddy can do.
Baby, I told you not to reach for stuff.
Oh, hey.
- Yo, sport, shop much? - Yeah, sorry.
- Hey, hey I know you.
- Probably from TV.
- Uh, no, that's not it.
You're the Hawks' new coach.
- David Hobbs.
- Hey, coach Vince.
You're playing my team on Saturday.
Why are we laughing? No reason.
No reason.
How's "the jeweler" doing? - The jeweler? - Yeah.
Your boy.
That's what we call him because his only interest in baseball is that the infield is called a diamond and he digs rocks.
The jeweler.
- That's funny.
No, that's not funny, sweetie.
It's not even clever.
Hey, Vince, what do you say? How about you stop calling my kid "the jeweler?" - How about you stop being ugly? - What are you, five? - I'm five.
- I'm five.
- What is your problem? - I don't have a problem.
But you will on Saturday.
Oh, snap! Well, your team is going down on Saturday! Crackle! And pop! What do you say we make it interesting, TV boy? What do you got in mind, probably-bald-under-the-cap boy? The loser does the winner's grocery shopping for one month.
- Make it two months! - Bring it! It's brung.
Uhoh.
Double scoop of ice cream if you don't tell mommy.
- Deal.
- Okay.
One day before your project's due and you haven't started it yet.
I've started it, I just don't know how to end it.
By this point, mom should've punished me! Something is messing with her head.
And I think I know what it is.
It's my dad.
I'm going to have to dial this up a notch.
Ladies I see you're putting your psychology binder to use.
Yes, and it's coming in handy.
Let it go.
Her project's due in one day and you're telling me to let it go? She's literally watching paint dry.
Oh, honey take this, please.
Take that.
I'll be right back.
Yeah, hello, Mrs.
Weitzman.
Hang on a sec please.
Thanks for calling me back.
Mrs.
Weitzman, the reason I'm calling you is because, um, I was thinking of adding a couple of extra practices this week and I wanted to know if you would consider letting Jonah miss Hebrew school.
Yes, I do think your people have already suffered enough, Mrs.
Weitzman.
Look, I would not push your son any harder than I would push mine.
Rise and shine, Joe.
Aah! As long as you're down there, give me 20.
There's a 20 in my wallet.
Just take it.
Great practice, kiddo.
Go hit the showers.
Thanks, dad.
I really think we're becoming a well-oiled machine.
I got it, Joe.
Go, go.
Absolutely, Mrs.
Weitzman, a six-hour practice does seem excessive.
Yes, I do think your people have suffered enough, ju oy.
A six hour practice with a bunch of ten-year-olds? David, you promised me you weren't gonna let this happen.
I know I promised, honey, but it wasn't my fault.
I ran into this guy named Vince, who's coaching the other team on Saturday who, by the way, calls Joe "the jeweler.
" And I got mad and I made a bet.
Aw, come on, just because he called Joe a name? David, did you learn nothing from your much-beloved episode, "most valuable dad?" Kyle, this game is for all the marbles Literally.
If we lose, the other team gets these.
Now Kyle, it doesn't matter what happens out there today, as long as you try your best, give it your all, and play with pride, okay? 'Cause it doesn't matter if you win or lose, you'll always be my champ.
I remember it well.
I nailed that scene.
But I also remember that in real life, all the marbles means I've gotta go shopping for some guys' groceries, honey, and I don't want to do that.
I'll be back later.
I'm gonna go help Mary wash her cat.
Okay.
You do realize that my project's due tomorrow, right? We do.
And that Mary doesn't have a cat? Yep.
- So, mom, you're okay with me going out at 10:00 at night when my project's due tomorrow morning, to help Mary wash a cat she doesn't have? I'm cool.
What have you done with my mother? Do you have any idea how hard it is to procrastinate like this? - Wait, so this whole time - Yes! - And you never - No.
- And you were hoping - Yes.
- But your paper - Uh-huh.
- But your father - I knew it! You are so grounded, young lady.
- Thank you, mommy.
- You're welcome.
Just to be clear, because I don't speak whatever that was, um, this is all my fault but she's going to finish her paper anyway.
Yes.
You're welcome.
All right, guys, we're down by one, we gotta hold 'em here.
Yes! Good catch.
That's two, boys! All right, take two, boys! Take two! Two out, Kevin.
Out.
No, Kevin.
Kevin, Kevin.
Stay.
All right, here we go, batter.
Hit it to the jeweler.
To the jeweler! - Still not clever.
- Oh, that reminds me.
I caught an episode of your little TV show last night And you owe me a half-hour of my life back.
Boom! Yes! Oh, no! No! Joe! Here it comes, Joey! Here it comes, Joey! Here it comes, Joe! Get the ball, Joe.
Throw the ball, Joe.
Not the rock, Joe.
Throw the ball, not the rock! - You're out! - Yes! - He threw the rock! - Safe! - No! - Yeah! Okay, here we go, Hawks! Let's go, Joe! C'mon, Jasper! Let's go, cyclones! It's a close game, huh? Yeah, I'm pretty impressed with your team.
Well, my husband's the new coach.
- Ah, funny, mine's our coach.
- Oh.
- Oh, that is funny.
- Yeah.
Guys, one to tie, two to win.
One to tie, two to win.
We're down to our last at-bats and our last inhaler.
So I need everybody to play hard and breathe shallow.
So apparently your husband has a nickname for my son, "the jeweler.
" Actually I came up with that.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Oh, that was you? - Yeah.
Clever.
Yeah, well, you know, he is kind of a nerd with his rocks.
- Oh, yeah.
- "Ooh, quartz.
" - What are you, five? - I'm five.
- "I'm five.
" - What is your problem? Hey, we're all having good fun here, huh? Hey, jeweler! You're a 24-carat loser! Oh, wow! So we're having fun, huh? Okay, well, here's a fun nickname for your son.
- Poopie pants? - "Poopie pants.
" I like it.
Boom! Yeah! What do you think of that, huh? Whoo, poopie pants! Yeah, poopie pants! Oh, yeah, that's right, Jasper, I'm talking to you! There's a reason they gave your Jersey number two! Yes, yes! All right, we've got a man on first.
What, what, what, what what's that in your pants? Is it poopie, poopie pants? - He's out! - It's okay.
It's all right, guys.
It's okay, we're down to our last out.
Who's up? - Uh, it's Joe.
Your son.
Thank you, Kevin.
You can't write this stuff.
I'm tingling.
Gimme a "P"! Gimme an "Oopie!" What's that spell? Honey, honey is everything okay? Take them down, David.
Take them down.
My husband's not doing your shopping, mister! Amy, I think you're getting a little out of hand.
What's that in 'yo pants? Is it poopie, poopie pants? What? What's that in yo pants? Is it poopie, poopie pants? - So are the kids.
- What, what, what-what-what! What's that in 'yo pants? Is it poopie, poopie pants? Guys, guys.
Enough with the poopie, okay? Um I just want to tell you all something.
In the four days that I've been your coach, I have never been more proud.
Really.
And look, it doesn't matter what happens out here.
As long as you played with pride and had some class and dignity, it doesn't matter if you win or lose.
It doesn't matter because you'll always be my champs.
Aaw! That's a giant load of bull poopie, dad.
You became our coach to turn us into winners and I want to win.
- Joe, it's okay.
- No, it's not okay! Gentlemen, I tell you this, I did not struggle to do a push-up in the dark, of which I am scared to walk off this field holding a loser's cupcake.
I'm not a quitter, but a man has got to know his limitations.
You want me on that bench.
You need me on that bench.
I can't bench you for no reason.
Dad, I understand.
And I would never put you in that position.
Oh, my tibia! She's a-broken! It's okay.
It's okay.
Are you sure about this? On the sitting out part, yes.
But I'm about 50-50 on where my tibia is.
Oh, no! My son's good tibia! Kevin, we need a pinch hitter.
- Uh, pinch hit - Understudy.
- Oh, well, it is 6:15.
- Weitzman.
Weitzman.
Our team has suffered enough.
Now get in there and let's win this thing! Come on! Mazel tov! Without ever swinging a bat, or running the bases, young Joe Hobbs went on to lead his team to victory that afternoon.
And somehow, the cupcakes did taste just a little sweeter that day.
As for David Hobbs, while he never went on to coach another little league game, he did prove himself to be the most valuable dad.
David Hobbs also took great pleasure in making another man shop for his wife's mommy things.
Would you shut this guy up? Yeah, Kevin, that's enough.
Whatever you say, David.
You gotta admit, he's good.
Yeah.
Oh! Oh, is that the way we're going to play it, Kardashian? It's go time.
What was that, Seacrest? You want some of this?