Selfie (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

My relationship with my phone is pretty serious.
I eat Sleep And breathe it.
It keeps me level.
But my coworker Henry believes that being so close to my phone is what's keeping me from being close to non-phones, like people, so I've been making more of an effort to Good morning, Eliza.
Good morning, Henry.
How are you today? I didn't really care how he was today, but I had learned to ask anyway.
I'm quite well.
Thank you for asking.
I had a, uh, protein-rich breakfast that I ingested outside, in the garden.
The weather was quite mild.
Watched an episode of "Bones" on the treadmill.
Then I broke out some new bath products I've been meaning to try.
Yeah, it was Rosemary Henry says maintaining eye contact makes people think you're listening to them, even if what you're really thinking about is whether or not Jay and Beyoncé have a pre-nup.
What are your thoughts on that? Of course they have a pre-nup.
There's a billion dollars on the elevator! I see.
Well, good job pretending to listen.
And why don't I hold on to your phone for the staff meeting? Sure.
Let me just, uh Mmm! All yours.
You could've just said no.
Team, take a look around you.
What do you see? - Windows? - Todd from accounting.
Bagels? Dark? Darkness? Endless night? I see a family.
A publicly held children's pharmaceutical family.
The more connected our family is, the more our business will thrive.
Joan is about to distro an article that will show us how to increase coworker connectivity.
Joan? Sir, I think I've got the wrong article.
This is, uh, an interview with Channing Tatum.
And I know what you're thinking what does "Magic Michael" have to teach me? The answer, my friend, is everything.
Uh, I-I'm sorry.
He and his wife rate how close they feel to one another - on a scale of 1 to 10? - Let's try it out.
Larry, I want you to cup Henry's face in your hand I don't see anything about cup hmm.
Look him in the eye and tell him, on a scale of 1 to 10, how close you feel to him right now.
I'm feeling a 9.
Wally-kazam! Linda, how are you feeling about Raj from H.
R.
? Huh? I'll go with a 5.
I mean, he seems nice, but he's only been here a few weeks.
"Seems nice.
" That's an excellent start, Raj.
I feel an 8 for Joan.
She's very helpful, and I like that she packs her own lunch from home, because I do that, too.
Huzzah! Raj sees himself in Joan.
Come on.
What more could you ask for? I give Eliza a zero.
But she probably won't notice, because, as always, she's too busy staring at her phone.
Wait.
What'd I miss? The point, I'm afraid.
What the hell was that in there? And what are you doing eating lunch over a trash can? I digest better standing up.
That is really antisocial behavior.
Joan just gave you a zero in that meeting.
Are you not concerned? Yeah! But Joan is never gonna like me, so Pfft.
Maybe 'cause you're always on your phone.
Or maybe it's because I have perfectly symmetrical features and hair like Ariel.
Or maybe it's because of what happened with the gazpacho.
What happened with the gazpacho? Uh I'd just come from an early-morning soulcycle class and forgotten to eat breakfast, so when I got to the office, it hit me I was really, really, really, super-super-duper hunggs.
"Hunggs"? As in, like, famished.
So I was about to legit pour myself a bowl of banana peppers When I spotted it.
Mmm.
Mm! Don't tell Joan.
I am Joan.
Eliza, Joan is Sam Saperstein's right-hand woman.
She wields a lot of power at this company.
You should know who she is.
And you should not eat her gazpacho or any of her carefully labeled foodstuffs.
Okay.
Okay.
Your next assignment is to befriend Joan.
I'm telling you it'll never work.
Joan is a miraclesuit, and I am a monokini with side-boob and hipbone cutouts.
We're complete opposites.
Same could be said of me and Larry.
But Larry's not a monokini.
No, in this scenario, I am the monokini.
No, you would be one of those old-timey long-sleeved bathing costumes.
My differences with Larry don't prevent me from connecting with him.
Observe.
Larry.
- Hiya, Henry.
- Hey, hey, smells good.
- Yeah, chili and cheese.
- I love it.
- Yeah.
- How's the wife? Oh, difficult.
But I knew that when I married her.
The old ball and chain.
Oh, you're telling me.
It is what it is.
Yeah.
- Well, catch you later.
- See you, bud.
Now you try it with Joan.
Ugh! Okay, fine.
Hey, Joan.
How's the sandwich? I wouldn't know.
Someone stole my sandwich, took two bites, and threw it in the trash.
Sucks.
Like your husband.
Am I right? The old ball and Penis.
- But I did what you did.
- No, you did not.
I did not reference Larry's wife's genitals.
I did not.
I took my cues from Larry, whereas you were completely tone-deaf.
- Oh, well.
- No, not "oh, well.
" Try again.
Do your research.
If you want to connect with Joan, find out what her interests are.
Who she be with! Never mind.
I can do this.
After all, cybersleuthing is kind of my forte.
And if I can find out the true length of Ceelo's arms, I can def find out some dirt on Joan.
Charmonique, help.
I spent the whole night trying to get to know Joan, but she's an Internet ghost.
I went to MySpace and back and got Jack.
Apparently, she's Facebook-free, a Twitter-quitter, Insta-invisible.
I'm telling you, it's like It's just like Joan doesn't even exist.
Baby girl, you are looking in all the wrong places.
Joan doesn't do social media.
But she is all up on Yelp.
Mm-hmm.
In fact, she's a super reviewer.
Oh, my God! This is crazy.
There are thousands of reviews here.
Wow, she really has it in for the Simi Valley Galleria Mm.
"Whose food court is sorely lacking a Wetzel's.
" Those mini dog-bites, though! Mm-hmm.
Ooh! But look five stars for miss Mandy's Friday-night "straight up now tone me" cardio class.
"I never miss it.
" Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That old white ladies need to stop co-opting a sister's skills in a futile attempt to turn their Caucasian non-booties into juicy doubles? Yes.
But also, it's Friday.
I'm gonna take that class! Mm-hmm.
Oh, my! I'm s Larry, I'm so sorry! You scared me.
Hot tea can't hurt me now.
- Ah.
Actually, it can.
- Oh.
But not as much as what Nancy did.
- Nancy? - The old ball and chain.
She ended it.
It's over.
No.
What happened? I'm going to the chiropractor.
Okay.
Unbelievable.
Well, I'm sorry, Nancy, but what's the correct response to "I'm going to the chiropractor"? Should I hire a marching band? - You really called that one, huh? - I did? "It is what it is.
" I mean, you were spot-on.
But that's just a phrase.
It doesn't mean anything.
But we're both bachelors now, Juan Pablo.
I don't know who that is.
Should we hit the nudie bars? The dog track? Head to T.
J.
? Oh! Oh, oh! Do you want to "Wolf of Wall Street" it? I have a fully stocked lab downstairs.
We could freebase some infant aspirin and then go kill a drifter! Let me see how the rest of my day is looking.
Let me get back to you.
I promise uh, you have a call at 1:45 that you could probably take in the car on the way to T.
J.
Thanks, Charlie.
Never love, Charlie.
Uh, I won't.
Armed with everything I learned on Yelp, I hit Joan's dance class to see if I could increase my heart rate and my approval rating.
Joan? Holy crap.
Bitch-slap me all over my whole, entire face.
I cannot believe you go to this class.
I can't believe you go to this class.
Are you kidding? I love the crap out of "straight up now tone me" cardio.
That's how I keep it so tight.
I've never seen you here before.
That is because I usually go to Mandy's Saturday class Uh, hey, Thottie! So glad I made it on time.
I stopped to get gas at the, um, the West Adams Chevron station.
That's the best one in Los Angeles.
I know it's right off the plus their additives I feel the exact same way.
I find the West Adams location never crowded and their mini-mart well-appointed.
Now, I will say that sometimes The numbers on pump 7's keypad stick? - Yes, but if you - Ask Rodriguez, the branch manager - he will - Wipe them down for you, And that should alleviate the problem! All right, ladies Joan had warmed up during the warm-up, but now we were heading into more complicated choreography.
And 5, 6, 7, here we go! Henry.
Thank you for, uh, meeting with me In secret.
Yes, sir.
I firmly believe our corporate family has a responsibility to look out for one another, and I'm worried about Larry.
I am, too, sir.
Uh and I know how close the two of you are.
I wouldn't characterize us as, uh De did give you a 9 on the Tatum/Dewan-Tatum scale.
Yes, but And I'm told the two of you microwave burritos together.
N-no.
One time, I stood near him while he microwaved a burrito.
One time.
Then you should have no problem standing by him during this troubling time.
His wife has left him, Henry.
He's gonna need his bestie now more than ever.
Uh So, what is it that you would like me to do, sir? It's more what I don't want you to do.
Don't Not be there for him.
So Be there for him.
And if he has nowhere to go Don't not let him stay with you.
So let him stay with me? That's a great idea.
Very generous.
Oh, thank you.
Man, you smell good.
Joan! Joan! Wait.
You tore it up in there! Your footwork during the breakdown was on point.
Thanks.
You Showed a lot of spirit.
Thank you.
You know, I think Channing Tatum would be proud of us right now.
Oh.
R-right.
Listen, Joan, I know on several occasions, I've accidentally eaten your belongings.
Those weren't accidents.
I label all my food.
It was blatant disregard.
Exactly.
So let me make it up to you by buying you dinner.
Joan was on the fence, but I won her over with a Please? Please? A-please-please? Gracias, Juan Pablo.
Larry, I really wish you'd stop calling me that.
H-hey, it's not jammie-time already, is it? I don't remember ordering the early-bird special.
Larry look, look.
I'm wearing my party shirt.
Let's hit the bars, have some drinks Find some sisters.
I'll take the ugly one.
Really appreciate the offer, but I've had a long day.
I need to get some rest.
So do you.
Good night, okay? Ooh.
I almost forgot.
Don't use the toilet in the guest bath She doesn't know How much I need her.
I know.
But you did hear me say not to use the toilet in the guest bathroom, right? Look, Larry, I'm a very solitary person, and you Clearly, are not.
Are you sure you don't want to try to make a run at getting Nancy back? Maybe if you made some big, romantic gesture You mean like a flash mob? That's not where my mind went, no.
Most women consider the flash mob to be the most romantic gesture a man can make second only to a surprise proposal on a jumbotron.
Well, it sounds like you've done your research.
And I'm glad you're being proactive.
Yeah.
Well, let's get some rest.
Good night.
I don't know if we can sleep.
We have so much planning to do.
Do you happen to own a tear-away suit? You know what? Don't bother yourself.
I'll look.
Larry, I have a seasonal system with my wardrobe.
The linens and the tweeds cannot be mixed hello? Henry, guess where I am right now.
Eliza, this is not a good time.
Just guess! Guess! I'm not in the mood to play games.
But I'm about to make some serious progress on the assignment you gave me.
I'm outside Joan's house.
She's inside with her husband.
Did they see you? Just drive away.
Drive away! No, Henry.
She invited me.
The research worked.
I think she likes me.
I just picked up pizza for the three of us to eat.
Oh, my God! It's a pizza party! We're having a pizza party.
J.
Pabs, do you have any scissors? Ahh! Never mind.
I have to hang up now.
Oh, goody.
Is that the pizza? White pizza from Geppetto's that's our favorite.
Geppetto's is the only white pizza in Los Angeles that travels well.
Sunset magazine voted it "worth the trip.
" I tend to agree.
Wait! No! Scott! Don't eat that! It has oregano! Joan? Scott's allergic to oregano, isn't he? He certainly is.
Scott? How did you know that? Well, I thought I thought I-I remembered she's saying "Scott's allergic to oregano.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
What's directly across the street from the West Adams Chevron station? U-um Answer! Wrong.
It's been an empty lot for years.
Oh, dear God.
She's been Yelp-stalking me.
That's how she found about Mandy's class and Geppetto's.
I don't think that I can even finish this.
I can.
That pizza is topped with lies.
But not oregano.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to get to know you.
For what it's worth, I feel really bad.
I feel worse than the night Aaliyah died.
Aaliyah died? Morning, Charmonique.
Why are you wearing a breakaway suit? What? I can tell you're wearing a breakaway suit.
I'm asking why.
Can you keep a secret? Please don't tell me you're doing a flash mob with Larry.
How did you know that? Do you have any idea how many flash mobs Larry is responsible for? What? Half of the flash mobs on the Internet are Larry-related.
And it better not be for Nancy, because she hates them.
See? Oh, God.
Look.
This one's from their anniversary.
This one's on her birthday.
Ohhh.
And this one he catches Nancy off guard, she slips, throws her back out.
Larry thinks a flash mob is gonna get his wife back.
Nope.
This is just another indication that he doesn't listen to Nancy or care about what she wants.
I'm gonna be stuck with him forever.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
I feel sick.
Charlie! Find Larry.
The flash mob is off.
But but what? I'll never get to do this.
Clean all this up.
First find Larry, then clean all this up.
Okay.
I blew it.
It was going so well, and then I messed it all up.
Wait w-w-what are you talking about? Joan.
I told you it wouldn't work.
Well, you said it yourself she's a miraclesuit and you are a monokini.
But the women in this office love miraclesuits.
And they don't love me because I'm a synthetic monokini made in a factory by a sweatshop baby.
No offense to your family.
My family owns a buca di beppo, but Still offended.
The the truth of the matter is I'm no better at office friendships than you are.
You? The great Henry the great? Listen, I made it seem like I was friends with Larry, when the truth is, I can't spend 24 hours with that guy.
And what he did to that drifter was wrong.
What did he do to the drifter? And the only reason that I agreed to wear three breakaway suits to the office today Is that I thought it would help me get rid of Larry, who I have learned is the most annoying person on planet earth.
Hi, Larry.
God.
Really? You know something, Henry? I feel a zero for you right now.
A zero.
Hey.
You got the same as me.
Look, Larry, I-I'm sorry I lost my cool.
I guess I'm overtired from not sleeping, cutting all my suits in half, trying to learn dance choreography, and plunging my guest bathroom, which I specifically asked you not to use.
But please believe me when I tell you the flash mob is a bad idea.
If you want to get your wife back, it doesn't require a '90s dance track.
A smaller gesture would mean more.
Uh, Henry would like to see you in his office.
Mm-hmm.
Since it seems you're still determined to eat lunch over a trash can, I had Charlie buy you that.
I kept the receipt.
They had other designs.
It's cute.
Go ahead.
Try it out.
It works.
I like it.
Good job, Charlie.
Thanks.
Is this your way of trying to get me to eat with you? Not with me near me.
I know how important it is for your digestion to eat standing up.
Actually That's just an excuse I use because growing up, no one ever wanted to sit with me at lunch.
Now I'm just kind of used to it.
Well, in that case Is this seat taken? When a friendship is real, you can feel it.
And no disrespect to Channing Tatum, but it probably doesn't need to be rated on a scale of 1 to 10.
Although if I were going to 6.
Which rounds up to a 5.
Maybe we didn't suck at office friendships after all.
So, where do you want to eat dinner? Your call.
Hmm.
Raj, I canceled! I-I swear, I canceled.