Sex, Love & Goop (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
She said yes!
It's such a cliché,
saying it was love at first sight, but,
I mean, I think it was.
She worked with my cousin.
I saw her and I was like,
"Um, who is that? Who's that?"
And he's like, "Stop."
- "Stop it."
- "She has a boyfriend."
He's like, "Relax."
And I was like, "Okay. Sorry."
The concept of having sex
was not foreign to us,
but what do you define as sex?
- What do you
- Yeah.
What is lesbian sex?
What is, like, the protocol?
- What are we supposed to do?
- Yeah.
- Do you want to start first?
- Okay.
- Um, I'm Shandra and Camille.
- Hi, I'm Camille.
We've been together for
It'll be six years in May.
We just got engaged, so we are
- Aw!
- Congratulations.
- So, we
- I'm very excited about it. Sorry.
I was already on, like, the outs
with my then-boyfriend,
and I met her,
and it was just kind of this, like,
"Oh, that's what I've been missing."
It's hard when you're in
a new relationship
and you're trying
to be intimate with this person.
You're in your head and you're thinking,
"What am I gonna do wrong?"
And it was very nerve-racking because
I did still kind of have
that shame of who I was.
I grew up
in a very religious home.
My mom was a Jehovah's Witness and so
They love lesbians.
Yeah. They Huge fans.
Biggest lesbian fans.
We never talked
about sex in our household,
especially lesbian sex,
we never talked about.
So I'm
I'm excited to kind of see
what we can learn during this process.
Yeah.
This was one of my first
relationships with a woman,
and just body image-wise,
I definitely want to gain
more confidence in the bedroom.
And when you don't have
a lot of confidence,
your sex drive kind of like just
- It dwindles.
- Dwindles and
It's hard to feel sexy
when you don't feel sexy.
Yeah.
Both of us have a lot of issues with
being in our heads when it comes to sex,
and I think there's just
a lack of education and,
you know, resources out there
that we can go to
for people who have relationships
and people who have sex like us.
There's something so incredible
when you are willing
to ongoingly work on your relationship,
and there's all kinds of things that,
with a bit of skill and intervention,
you can learn.
We're on our way to day one
of our intensive with Darshana.
It's a little shaky
because we're driving in LA, but
Darshana, we're coming for you.
I'm Darshana Avila
and I'm an erotic wholeness coach.
- How are you?
- Oh, hi! Can we hug?
- Yes.
- Hi.
A lot of what I teach is around
how to learn intimacy building
and cultivating skill
to help expand what is possible.
Your identity is as lesbian women.
Like, how did it feel
to come into claiming that?
For me, it was it was rough.
I knew at a very young age, though.
I knew since I was a kid
that I've had these feelings.
It was just the environment I grew up in
was kind of smothering that,
and, like, I hated myself.
I didn't know that I was gay until
my early twenties.
And I think we're at a place
where we wanna learn.
We wanna learn things that we didn't get
a chance to learn when we were younger.
The biggest thing for them as a couple,
I think, is a claiming of
their authentic expression of lesbianism.
Like, "How do we be lesbians together?"
There's a lot of, like,
lesbian porn out there
that is very clearly not lesbians,
or not made for lesbians, and it's
It just brings that memory back
of me being young and not out yet.
And I'm like,
"Is this what I'm supposed to be?"
"Is this how I'm supposed to act?
Is this how we have sex?"
Because we are conditioned
to penis-in-vagina intercourse
as, like, the gold standard,
and the experience of the penis
in that equation
outranking the experience of the vagina,
there is a lot of confusion
and mystery of, like,
what do two
vulva-bearing bodies do together?
What do you know that you enjoy?
I love, like, being dominated. I love
- Oh.
- I love when she's in charge.
I love it when
I don't have to make decisions.
Oh, my God.
How do you feel about that?
I am a giver. I love giving.
And that turns me on, especially, and
- You know.
- Yeah.
You felt it. It's like And
I like when she, like, picks me up
or, like, throws me around
because it makes me
feel so tiny, and I like it.
- I don't know why. I
- Yeah.
- I like
- I throw her gently around.
Yeah. Consensually throws me around.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
We're extremely passionate people.
Yeah. I was just gonna say.
Both of us are very, like,
"Zero or 100, kind of nowhere in between"
kind of people.
Would you like to explore
one through 99?
Yeah. I would.
This is a moment when I tell Lindsey
to bring sex toys into the room.
- Hey.
- Uh-oh.
Yay.
- We're all about it. Yeah.
- All about it.
Well, I'm gonna reach over here, then.
Camille and Shandra
did let it be very clearly known
that they were interested in bringing
more into their sexual styles and lives.
Is it naive of me to say
I don't know what all of this is?
No, that's the whole point.
When they have gone to a sex shop
in the past, or ordered something,
it doesn't sound like they really had many
educational opportunities around that.
So it was part of that missing experience
of shaping their identities as lesbians.
- What is this? What the heck is this?
- Oh, I know what this is.
Oh, you know what that is.
Well, I just bought her
something for Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I don't know
what it's called though.
- Well, it's not a vibrator
- There's a name for it.
- but it sucks.
- It's the suction one. That like
It, like
- I want one now.
- Bless this thing.
Bless the clit suckers.
God.
- So, is that what this is, then?
- That is.
- That
- What is this?
- This is
- Looks like a bracelet.
- That's not a bracelet.
- I know.
What you think it is?
That looks like the thing that
you put on your nose to stop snoring.
- But that's
- It looks like
When you go to Disney World
and you're like
- That's what it Sorry.
- The Magic Band?
It is a magic band.
- Is it?
- Of a certain sort.
- Oh, dang.
- It is dual stimulation.
And so you could have this
inside of one of you,
and then use
So, like, if you're scissoring or like
- Shit. Her mind was just blown just now.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Or friction Yeah.
- So, both pieces
- We'll be taking that one home.
Both pieces vibrate.
Feel. Oh, my God.
I like it.
Sorry. I'm excited about it.
How about this one?
- My name is Joie.
- And my name is Mike.
We've been together
this coming May for 12 years.
I am 66 years old.
I am 62 years old.
Yes, it's gone quickly, to be honest.
Time flies when we're having fun.
Mike was upfront
that sex was important to him
right when we met.
It's healthy. I mean,
every day that I can start out, you know
Start the day out with a bang is a plus.
We started out,
you know, as any couple does.
The first few years, everything was
hot and heavy and, you know, and
And then, you know,
it has its ups and downs,
so we need to keep it on the up side.
Do I feel like I have enough sex?
Sometimes it's not
as frequently as I would like.
Uh, but when she gets into it,
she's into it.
She just needs to get
a little motivated to get going.
Mike will 90% initiate sex,
and then I will be pretty frank.
"Maybe in the morning.
Not right now, I'm tired."
It's sad to say, sometimes I'm like,
"I'm gonna catch up on this show."
I mean, I can
I can imagine how that sounds.
He compares sex to brushing his teeth.
"I can do this,
you know, once, twice a day."
And I'm just like
- Yes.
- You're randy. I like it.
I like it.
- This will be interesting.
- I know.
Talk is cheap.
I think you're perfectly paired up
with your experts so far,
and when you go into a therapy session
with a sense of adventure,
then it's not so horrible and personal.
It's more like, "Hey." You know?
- "Let's see."
- Yeah.
I'm Amina,
and I'm the director and founder
of the Atlanta Institute
of Tantra and Divine Sexuality.
So, people come to me sometimes just
because they want to learn how to squirt.
The focus of my work
is on embodiment and sensuality,
and really the expansion of that.
- So that's what we're doing this weekend.
- Great.
But some couples come to me
because they are very happy
and they love everything
about what's happening,
but one has a diminished desire.
I work with them around
communicating their erotic needs.
Erotic intimacy is
a primal desire that we have
to be connected and
to be wild and free with someone.
So, I'm gonna have you both just kind of
introduce your animal to each other,
and there's gonna be
a little bit of crawling.
I want you to seduce each other.
So, you're looking at each other
and then you're
you're smelling each other
and taking in each other's scents.
You are maybe growling a little bit,
or grunting or purring. Mmm.
Just acknowledging each other's energy.
And you can kind of
get into each other's energetic fields.
How's that sound?
Different.
The animal crawl is, like, my favorite
thing to do, 'cause it is weird.
And what I love,
'cause it happens every single time,
is everybody
smells each other's butt.
It's my favorite thing.
I've always been
a type-A personality.
Acting like an animal?
Yeah, that's not something
I would normally do, even for foreplay.
It's not customary to see couples
in their sixties talking about sex,
thinking about sex,
and it's probably gonna be challenging
on some level to certain people
who are thinking, "I don't want to
think about older people having sex."
But we are sexual beings.
And that means we're sexual beings
until the day we die.
Or until the day we decide
we want to retire that part of our lives.
We don't stop wanting to have pleasure,
and, uh,
I'm really happy that in his sixties,
he was also willing to go,
"Well, okay, if I want twice a day,
I'm gonna have to learn a few new tricks."
Crawling around, it lets you
really get into your body.
And it was just fun.
We take this whole ride too seriously.
Can we acknowledge that
sex is how we play as adults?
How you guys doing?
I dunno. How are we doing?
Doing great. This is excellent.
You're doing wonderful.
Okay.
So, we have our thinking brain,
which is always going,
and then we have our being-feeling body.
So next we're going
to move into a meditation
that's gonna actually help you even get
a little bit more deeply into the body.
Go ahead and
just get comfortable, lie down.
Have you ever had, um,
any BDSM play before? Been tied up?
- No.
- Yes.
Well, I'm gonna tie you up today.
Not in that fun, kinky way.
But what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna
put this strap on you, on your legs.
This is gonna let the body relax.
So, what I'm gonna do
Breath is probably
the most important function in sex to me.
I always have to remind myself this,
still, years later,
because I learned about
how to be sexy from porn.
And in porn, the women breathe like this
Almost every woman
that I've ever been with sexually,
that I've ever coached,
has also done the same thing,
'cause somebody told us.
We're not out of breath.
What are we doing?
Why are we breathing like this?
It doesn't make sense.
Look, a body has
a real serious function in life,
and that's to keep us from dying.
And if we're telling it
that we're not relaxed,
then it's like, "All right, what are we
tense about? Who's coming to get us?"
When you stop that nonsense
that we borrowed from, you know,
from socialization, and we move
into this very deep way of breathing
Now we're in a space
where we open up to pleasure.
This is more of a teaching session.
You might end up feeling like
you get, like, super into it,
and that's great,
but if you don't, that's okay too.
The teaching is gonna be specifically
around some ideas related to position.
So, you're welcome to undress if you wish.
You're welcome to undress each other.
I'm gonna chuck my sweater off.
- There's layers.
- Layers.
Don't mind me.
Don't mind my butt.
- Perfect butt, right?
- Okay.
Why don't you start belly to belly?
Oh, there she goes.
Drop in with your breath.
And so you might begin with some touch.
When it comes to technique, like, yes,
it's good to know some basic things
about how to touch bodies,
how to touch vulvas,
and those are teachable skills.
Slide your leg
in between the other's. Yep.
- Ooh. That's
- Get in There we go.
It's a great position
for ass grabbing and stroking.
Your mom cannot watch this.
My main interest in supporting them
was to just create as much space and
permission for them to be authentic.
This is a great way to have reach.
So, you can do a lot of thigh-stroking,
you can hold her hips,
you can grab her ass,
as well as be stimulating her vulva,
penetrating her vagina.
When it comes to positions,
the best are the positions that feel good.
So, what we're gonna do now is, I'm gonna
show you how to initiate and offer touch
in a way that is sensual
but not necessarily sexual.
One of the things that I noticed with Joie
is there's this nudge
that needs to be in place
to remind the body
that we're moving towards pleasure,
and that we're used to in foreplay
or in other activities
to kind of build up sexual anticipation,
which leads to desire.
Start with just some gentle hand-touching.
Then you're gonna eventually
move through the whole body.
And I'm assuming eyes closed
just as far as concentrating on the touch?
- Don't concentrate on anything.
- Yeah, so Yeah.
Let your mind go clear.
For Joie, I think a whole day
of building up to the evening
is really what would be great.
And Mike's language is not that.
Mike wakes up, he's ready with some
morning wood and ready to deliver.
And so for him, understanding the need
for touch without having that need,
the need for slowness,
the need for more foreplay, wasn't there.
One of the joys of this practice,
Mike, for you,
it's just really witnessing
what I witness right now, which is,
kind of, the stress
just leaving the face a little bit,
her shoulders shifting, her hip shifting,
and knowing that
you are the catalyst for that.
It can be hard sometimes
for her to let go and relax.
Yeah.
- Well, here you have her completely still.
- Right.
Sometimes, the only time
I get touched during the day is at night.
He will kiss you goodbye,
kiss you hello, you know,
but it's a little peck,
you know, out the door.
And then remember that
this is an act of worship.
So, your touch is really a gift that
you're giving to your goddess right now.
Even though my parents
had four sons in five years,
my folks didn't really
give us a lot of insight.
So, you know,
we shared notes with our friends,
we read Playboy and Hustler.
People may teach you, "Well, this is
how the sexual act results in a child,"
but nobody's really teaching you
how to please a woman,
how to make her happy.
You know, not all porn is realistic
to what real relationships look like.
You willing to get on all fours
and face your booty toward your beloved?
Sure. Let's do it.
- We're already here. It's like
- Yeah, let's do it.
So, you can be in this position and
then there's like, a lot of yummy access,
and then you can also get,
like, closer in, in this position
and also have a lot of, like
- Oh, I like that.
- You can pull You like that.
This is where we could
definitely use one of these, like
This is great.
Yeah. This is where I feel like
you could use this, for sure.
Yeah.
- There are cameras on me now.
- I'm not gonna do it to you, but
How about instead of like, putting a toy
right on your un-warmed up yoni,
like, maybe, can you reach your hand?
I'm sensing part of you is like,
"I really want to play with this toy!"
- I do. And I'm scared right now.
- But your body's not ready for
Like, we haven't
done anything to get you ready.
- That's what's terrifying me now.
- That's okay.
Yeah, that's true.
What we saw there with Camille,
I think, was a really potent example
of someone who's overriding
and overextending herself.
Camille, do you wanna say anything
about how you're feeling right now,
and let there be some space
for those emotions?
I don't know why
I'm having so much anxiety now.
It's not something I'm used to doing
with other people in the room,
so I'm very aware of that right now,
and I'm trying really hard
to just focus on you.
But getting in my head is my specialty,
and I can feel myself
doing that right now.
Great.
She was so enthusiastically
wanting to, like, talk about the sex toys
and play with different positions.
Like, she had an idea
in her head of what she wanted,
and then there was the lived reality of,
at a certain point,
she wasn't actually there anymore.
Can I offer a few options?
Yeah.
Would you like
to put your clothes back on?
- Sure. Yeah. Maybe that'll help.
- Let's do that.
Okay.
I was just trying to be in the moment.
- Maybe that's not the right thing.
- This is being in the moment.
In this moment, you need something
different than you needed before.
Okay.
And we witnessed her continue
to follow the known pattern of,
"No, it's a little uncomfortable,
but I'm gonna do it anyway."
Oh, gosh. I'm taking up so much time.
- Sweetie, this is
- It's fine, it's all good.
This is your space and time.
There's no apology needed.
No one is expecting anything.
When I suggested that she might
want to put her clothes back on,
was the pivotal moment.
Okay, that Apparently that's
what I needed. I already feel better.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
That's fine.
- It's okay.
- I don't like my body, I don't think.
- See, I'm getting in my head.
- I know.
About my body.
Let's talk about it.
I'm just, like, hyper aware of it.
I didn't think I would be like this.
Babe, it's okay.
I had this perception of myself that
I was open and cool and confident,
and that body shaming doesn't affect me.
And, uh,
I found out that I'm very much wrong
and maybe even
lying to myself a little bit.
I appreciate that you
love me, regardless of
what I look like on the outside.
Always.
I think that shame is actually the most
corrosive emotion that we can have.
It's such a terrible voice inside our head
that's so old, we're taught to feel
ashamed of ourselves when we're so little.
I grew up very, um,
heavily in dance and ballet,
and appearing to not be perfect
was a very, very
It was a struggle for me.
A lot, so
Body shame,
I've lived with it for almost 63 years,
because I've see-sawed with weight,
and even recently, nothing major,
but we're talking, like, 20 pounds.
I've lost 1,000 pounds
over 60 some-odd years.
I will say that my body image
does affect my intimacy at times,
just because if I'm feeling
very heavy that day,
I may, like, not want to, uh, engage.
I think you're like, "Aw, jeez.
You know, well, at least it's dark."
There are a lot of messages
that we have taken in since that big,
as girls, as women, telling us what
our bodies were supposed to look like.
And that negativity shows up for us
oftentimes in intimate spaces.
We don't really, fully wanna be seen.
"I don't want you to touch my belly,
I don't want you to touch this part."
And so this exercise
really helps us challenge that idea
so that we can start to see ourselves
as more whole, complete, beautiful,
divine goddesses that we are.
We have so much internalized
misogyny, and fatphobia, and ageism
that we're always looking
for something to fix.
"Oh, if my butt was a little bit bigger
or my waist was a little bit smaller."
Mirror work challenges that.
The first thing I want you to do
is just actually look at yourself.
In fact, do you mind if I am
If I disrobe?
- No. That's fine.
- Okay.
So, the first task we do, disrobe.
And then you just stand
and you look at yourself,
and you start thinking about,
"Well, what do I like?
What do I see that's pleasant?"
And then I also start looking at,
"Uh, you know, I'm in my forties now."
So there's some things
that have shifted.
My breasts, they're not
where they used to be, right?
I'm starting to get dimples in places,
and I was an athlete, like you.
So, those things challenge us when we have
this athleticism background, especially.
So, I look at these things,
and I think about my breasts, for example,
but then I also have to question. "Well"
"Who told me that breasts were
supposed to look a certain way?" Right?
So as you start to look at yourself
Staring at yourself
fully naked and saying
"Huh. This is what I look like,"
first and foremost.
"What don't I like? What do I like?"
And then, "Why?"
It's really about getting to the why.
Where did I get that messaging?
Because so much of what we don't like,
and even a lot of what we do like
is coming from somebody else telling us,
"This equates to desirability."
And, listen, we all want to be desirable,
but whose voice is that?
And do we want them?
What do they do for me?
Is this voice that
I now have planted in my head
that's telling me
my stomach should be a little bit flatter,
or my butt should be a little bit bigger,
is that even someone that I desire?
Why are they in my bedroom
and my bathroom
when I look at myself in the mirror?
I don't even know
if I'm attracted to that person.
How did they get here,
and how do I evict them?
So
This is you.
If and when you're ready,
you are welcome to disrobe
as much as you want,
and that may or may not happen,
and that's okay.
As you look at yourself, and there might
be voices of judgment, or shame, or fear,
there might be repulsion or disgust
and we're being present
with those feelings.
Okay.
I wish I and every woman
could be more confident in themselves.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
Yeah.
And I just want
little girls who are in ballet classes,
who have angry French teachers,
to look at themselves
in the mirror in a leotard
and just love themselves,
because I've always struggled
with looking at myself in the mirror
and saying with absolute confidence
that I am beautiful,
because I I don't believe that,
and I want to.
This is my body.
Okay.
This is my body.
It's a precious vessel.
- You can give me that.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
It is a form
of exposure therapy, you know,
a gentle, loving exposure therapy
to do mirror work,
because you are being exposed
to your own voice of judgment,
and criticism,
and shame, and condemnation,
and you need to meet that.
"What is it that I don't like?"
And really name the thing, you know?
Like, "Well, I'm kind of
I see I have asymmetry." Right?
So, one boob sits
differently than the other.
That conversation is happening
whether we know it or not.
When we're in our most sexiest time,
when someone is there
in devotion to us, trying to worship us,
and we're like, "Eh, don't look at that."
It sits differently.
So, that's the first thing you do.
And as I start to go
through this process, I realize,
so much of that is what someone else
told me I was supposed to look like.
What did you think of Amina
getting all naked in front of the mirror?
What I realized as I was watching it,
I started to track my own thoughts.
Like, "I can't believe she's doing this,"
and seeing her grieving that
her breasts didn't look
the way they used to,
and she didn't like her stomach,
but then bringing
this very deep acceptance
of what happens to the body
as we age, after we have children.
And I feel like the next phase
of work in my life
has to be around real acceptance,
because I drive myself really hard
to not age and to not,
you know,
be disappointed in the way I look,
and I'm still disappointed
in the way I look, you know?
So it was actually very interesting
to watch that and then observe my reaction
and kind of come to these conclusions
about how hard I am on myself still,
and how hard we are,
as women, on our bodies
and what happens to us naturally
as we go through life.
Yeah.
Growing up, I was an athlete and I was,
um, just skinny and muscular, always.
And, I mean, as I get As anyone
that can get older, they can gain weight.
And I've had, like, my
One family member that kind of was like,
"Oh, you've gotten a little bit thicker."
And comments like that,
it's just, like, kind of brings you down.
What's a part of your body that
you feel the most uncomfortable about?
- Definitely my waist.
- Okay.
Yeah. And starting
more of the wrinkles too,
but yeah, my waist,
which I've never had one.
Okay. So, we can acknowledge
the wrinkles and the waist? Right?
You look at yourself and realize, like,
"Okay, the wrinkles are coming.
Like, they're coming in."
But what does that really signify?
- An experienced woman.
- Yeah. Like
- I, you know, earned these wrinkles.
- Yeah.
So you acknowledge,
"This is the thing I don't like,
- but this is what I really do like."
- Mm-hmm.
When I met you, I was a lot thinner.
But This is happiness.
- I still love every single part of you.
- This is happiness!
- Oh. I love it.
- Right here.
It's like I'm reminded
that I'm powerful as a woman,
- and I've birthed two children.
- Mm-hmm.
And that's a function
of this belly, you know?
And also, you're still very strong
and fit, you're still swimming.
"So then I'm also able to power
through water with this belly,
and I think it actually
looks good in places."
So you start looking at places where,
"Yeah, this part's sticking out,
but what Do I like this part more?"
But it starts here, just staring
in the mirror, and really just looking.
How often do you get a chance
to just look at yourself?
I mean, this process was
a lot about, obviously, Camille and I,
and, like, looking into her eyes,
but today, like, in the mirror was
the first time I, like, looked at mine.
Whoo.
It gave me a boost,
and I'm getting emotional now 'cause
I'm talking about it, but it was a
It was just a boost of confidence.
That negativity was
just completely gone today.
"I love you, curves." Like, you can find
Shandra having this surge
of confidence and self-love,
it shows us what is possible here,
and Camille's experience is just as valid,
that it might not be instantaneous
and it might take a lot more encouragement
and reinforcement and nurturing
to get to a place
where she can feel peace with herself.
Women in particular are taught
to deny their sexual desire,
or to at least not speak about it,
not frankly.
This is where I'm at. This looks good.
In the mirror work, that is really
where I saw the biggest shift for Joie.
I think it's inspiring,
and a confident body speaks volumes.
I needed for her to feel
more grounded and settled and safe
to express her desires.
So, what did you think of today?
It was fun.
Right. Doing some things
outside the comfort zone,
- even along the lines with foreplay.
- Mm-hmm.
And foreplay doesn't
always have to end in the act.
But just spending more time,
not being in a hurry to go to sleep,
or even lovemaking
as a form of falling asleep.
I'm good with that.
Really, a lot of the work that I do,
it's about moving you into a space
where you're communicating
what's uncomfortable to communicate.
"Really, what I want is my butt rubbed
a little bit before we get to the sex."
Working out like more of a massage,
'cause I think we both enjoy a massage
and we don't take time to do it.
And then have
that perhaps be the prelude
to, you know, some more
intimacy and some hot sex.
Okay.
So, at the end when I hear Joie say,
"I want more foreplay,"
I'm like, "Ah, it worked."
It was eye-opening in the sense that
we're always in a hurry
to go to bed and have sex,
and maybe not all foreplay
needs to occur in bed.
Your boobs look great.
Thank you.
They do.
Today, I realized
you need to be comfortable
or at least be in tune with yourself first
before you can even bring
somebody else into the equation.
And I guess I need
to work on myself a lot.
A lot more than I thought I did.
This has brought up a lot of things
that we can just even
go home and talk about tonight,
and then bring it again tomorrow and
'Cause we're not done.
- Here we go.
- Oh, thank you.