Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - Will you be home for lunch? - No.
What are they up to? Just staring.
Probably waiting for the parlour to open.
I was up at six and they were there then.
No-one's that eager to arrange a funeral.
- Maybe they're interested in buying that house.
- Mm.
Anyway I'll see you later.
Mr Quintus? - Mr Peter Quintus? - That's right.
Of course, I already knew that.
- It's all in your file.
- File.
Sorry? You're not from the inland revenue, are you? Because my accounts are all up to date.
No, we're not parasites.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Mr R and my colleague here is Mr G.
Mr R and Mr G.
Well, that's not names.
It's letters.
What exactly do you want? To discuss a matter of grave importance.
May we come in? I suppose you better.
Please come through.
- MR G CHUCKLES.
- Stop it.
You'll set me off.
What's so funny? Why's he laughing? He's never been able to take death seriously.
It's quite ironic, really.
- Apologies.
- Apologies.
Now, let me explain.
We're employees of a very large, criminal organisation - Criminal? - Criminal.
Are you deaf? .
.
and we have been entrusted to carry out a very delicate task.
You have 24 hours to live .
.
and then we shall kill you.
- Forgot me keys.
- Not again! Could have sworn I put them in my back pocket.
Surely you check before leaving the house? No.
Only thing I check's my hair.
You want to get yourself one of these.
- What, a giant purse? - So much more.
Ten individual compartments.
Everything has it's place.
Sorry, I think I've just died of boredom.
Be careful what you wish for.
- Morning, Sebastian.
- Morning.
Oh! How wonderfully theatrical.
Take the rest of the day off, boys.
Are you the private investigator? - Alas, I am merely the humble servant of such.
- He makes the tea.
I must say, I do love the dramatic entrance.
I couldn't risk being followed.
- Oh, come on up.
- It needs to be a secret that I'm here.
WHISPERS: Right, follow me.
I know times are hard, but taking a job from a corpse.
Could be the final nail in the coffin.
Right, I'm going to need to start by taking some details.
Peter Quintus, funeral director.
Here we are.
Oh, good man.
I'm gasping.
Gah! Tastes like air-freshener.
- It's Earl Grey.
Lu and I prefer it.
- Thank you.
Oh, there's too many changes around here.
Look, there isn't time for tea.
I've only got 24 hours to live.
How'd you mean exactly? I I had a couple of visitors this morning.
Is this some sort of prank? No.
We will return at ten o'clock tomorrow.
If you were serious, you'd do it now.
- We're not barbarians.
- Not barbarians! The criminal network we work for is made up of bankers, tycoons, people of high status.
And it is their policy to limit the distress of those close to the target.
You.
The time remaining is for you to say goodbye to your family and to sort out your finances.
I'll go to the police.
As I said, the organisation is vast.
If you try and run or contact the police, they will not only execute you, but also your loved ones.
You've got a son in Edinburgh and a daughter in Kilkenny.
Correct? How do you know that? It's all in your file.
- Who hired you? - Confidential.
Why do they want me dead? Well, that's a matter for our employers.
We don't have the specific details.
Apparently it's something to do with your past.
So, let me get this straight, you don't actually want us to protect you? No, no, I just I want all this to stop.
Mm, it's a tricky one.
You have to help me.
There's no-one else.
Er - .
.
I will pay you £10,000 cash up front - Up front? Accepted.
So who hates you enough to want you dead? Well, that's just it.
I've always considered myself to be a good person.
I've had my moments, admittedly, but nothing that bad.
I need you to make a list of anyone you can think of.
And just And think about things you might've done in the past.
Firstly, we need to try and find out who hired the suits and try and expose them.
They might relent.
- Call off the hit.
- What, you think so? Well, it's worth a try, yeah.
I tell you what, I'll tail you this morning, see if the Chuckle Brothers try to make contact again.
And I will stake out your house, just see who turns up.
OK, but please, please hurry.
That's 23 hours to live.
Anne! Anne! Where's your hubby? He's gone out.
- What do you want, Brenda? - Well, what's mine! - That's all been sorted.
- No, it hasn't.
He owes me big time.
Please.
I'm so sorry.
It's not you .
.
it's him.
Bingo! Just a reminder, we're never far away.
- Watching.
- Watching.
Lu, Lu, confirmed sighting.
It's a black Oh! I think it's a Wolseley, heading towards Turner Street.
I'll ask him.
Just get after them.
- They were here.
- Yeah, Lu's going to follow them.
Listen, she mentioned a redhead.
- Kind of brassy with big - Brenda? It's my ex-wife.
She claims she hates my guts, but she'd take me back tomorrow.
- Are you sure about that? - Absolutely.
Ooh, got you! Come on, Robyn, we can do this.
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no, no! Yes, get out of the way.
Left? Right? SHE SIGHS BOTH: Peter.
What did we say about going to the police? I haven't.
I got the impression that we were being followed.
You were warned.
Warned! What have you done? Your children are safe.
Safe.
For now.
My-my-my wife? Where is she? It's hard to find a body in a sea of corpses.
- You got the number plate? - No.
- No, cos a car got in the way.
- Oh, marvellous! You know, if you didn't drive that stupid little red hairdryer, you wouldn't have lost them.
If you hadn't lost your licence, maybe you could - Now, now, children.
Map of the crossroads you wanted.
- Oh, great.
- Crossroads? - Yes, where I lost the Wolseley.
It's four, eight, 12 12 villages.
Four in each direction.
It doesn't mean our friendly hit men will be staying there.
- They might have just been passing through.
- On their way to where? There is nothing round any of these villages, just farmland.
Huh.
What, you going to search them all? Yes.
I might get lucky, - might just find the car, just parked up.
- I'll jot them down for you.
Thank you.
Please, will you stop giving me this scented muck! Anne! - Anne.
- SHE WHIMPERS.
Oh, I thought you were dead.
- Look, look! - Who is it? Some past victim.
They said if you get help again then my death will be for real.
- Oh, my God.
- Peter, what have you done? I don't know.
You need to think.
What do you think I've been doing? I'm sorry, but I can't dismiss the private investigators.
They're my only hope.
But if they find out I'm just going to have to be a lot more secretive.
Are you going to carry on tailing Peter? Well, we can't just wait for them to turn up.
We should be out there talking to suspects and associates.
PHONE RINGS Shakespeare and Hathaway Private Investigators.
How may I? Yes.
Well, I can tell him now.
Adieu.
Peter Quintus.
He wants to meet you in the toilets at The Hanging Man pub.
The toilets? Apparently he's got something to show you.
I better get going.
20 hours to go.
Oh! We need more boots on the ground.
While I go and speak to the neighbourhood warden, you better go and speak to Brenda.
Oh, and casually ask if she's hired a couple of hit men? She claims Peter owes her money.
I know.
Wear something smart.
- Your best suit.
- Well, I'll wear my second best.
Numero uno's a violet number with a lovely gold edging.
It's hardly appropriate.
Whatever suits.
I could think of better places to meet.
We need to be extra careful.
- In here.
- What? - Is this really necessary? - Quiet.
Now move back.
- I can't! The flush is stuck up me - Shush! - It's wedged between me Stop wriggling.
Ooh! Sorry.
Keep still.
False alarm.
Er, but we better stay here, just to be sure.
- It's cosy, isn't it? - The men in suits threatened my wife.
They tied her up.
They left this.
Looks like they mean business.
Have you still no idea who might have hire them? Like I say, people generally like me.
Oh, come on! An ex-business partner, or a rival maybe? I'm just an ordinary, average bloke.
Who deals in death.
The sign Everton.
Were they Scousers? Not from their accents.
- Do you mind if I keep this? - No.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I wonder if you could help me.
I'm at your disposal, madam.
Oh, great! Cos I'm thinking of buying a house and I was just wondering, is it a nice area? It's not an area, but a neighbourhood.
- There is a difference.
- Oh.
I see there's a house for sale on Elsinore Drive.
Yeah, it looks lovely.
Although I'm not too keen on living so close to a funeral parlour.
It's the living you should be afraid of, not the dead.
Yeah, I suppose.
Although you're right to be wary.
Take my knowledgeable advice and avoid that street.
Oh, why? Bad things happen there .
.
and have for a long time.
How'd you mean exactly? To give any actual details would betray - the confidence of the community I serve.
- Yeah, no, I was just, I was wondering what you meant, that was all.
Forgive me, madam, I've got some very pressing business.
There's been a dog fouling epidemic on Beaumont Row.
I bid you good day.
Good day.
Good afternoon.
How are you on this delightful day? I'm hungover and it's going to rain later.
Might I enquire if you think you may have been mis-sold PPI? - Not interested.
- Well, what about an injury at work? - I don't work.
Bye.
- We also do personal claims.
Does anybody owe you money? Or might you like to sue anyone? Actually Thank you.
I have been having problems with my ex.
- He's a snivelling, little toad.
- He sounds charming.
And I should have got more money in my divorce settlement.
Why do you say that? Well, recently I went on this date with a financial advisor - And? - He was really hot.
Anyway, he said that the business, this funeral parlour, is worth twice what Peter said.
Right.
Well, there you seem to have some anger towards your ex.
Yeah, too right.
Why would you say that was? Just the money? Or were there other problems? Oh! Well, that's rather personal.
Sorry, not my intention to No, well, you know, don't apologise .
.
because, um, well, there's nothing wrong with with getting personal.
That's nice.
Er, thank you.
Suits you.
- Do you want me to take it off for you? - No, I like it on.
- That's fine.
- Let me.
- No, no, honestly Little tease! Did they hurt the wife? No, just scared her.
Hopefully she'll be able to tell us something.
No sign of the Wolseley.
And I think this must be Pete's back garden.
Good.
We can't risk being spotted.
Oh, it's bolted.
Oooh! Shush.
It was a push, not a pull.
Another one.
Lu.
Mrs Quintus? Peter.
How's Anne? She's She's got a bad cut on the back of her head, but she'll be fine.
Good.
Was she able to tell you anything? She's still a bit drowsy.
- Apparently someone hit her from behind.
- The men in suits? She didn't get a good look, but, yes, she she thinks so.
So does that mean they want you both dead now? I don't know.
Look, now that Anne's been targeted twice, - shouldn't we start telling the police? - No! No, no.
If they're arrested then their associates will murder my family.
Yeah, better keep schtum.
Frank? What are you doing here? Er, just just visiting me Auntie Mabel.
Yeah, we're in a bit of a rush.
Oh, hello again.
- Have you come to see Anne? - No.
Well, sort of.
Oh, how did you know she'd been injured? I saw the ambulance in the street.
Are you a friend of hers? No.
Well, not exactly.
No, I thought not.
Sorry, I beg your pardon? Well, it's just friends don't normally lurk around outside friend's houses, peeking in, do they? Nothing could be further from the truth! Do you, er, know his surname? Pipkin.
Saw it on his badge.
I'll find out if he's got any previous.
Something odd about him.
Kind of obsessive.
Like somebody else I know.
How did it go with Peter's ex? The delightful Brenda's a complete nympho.
- Did she reveal anything? - In that dressing gown it was hard not to.
Did you manage to find anything out? Only that she's hell-bent on squeezing every penny out of Peter.
- Then why would she want him dead? - Exactly.
Can't get blood out of a stone.
Or a corpse for that matter.
Gawd! We're running out of time.
What are you looking for? That list of the villages on the crossroads.
I'm sure I left it here, but it's obviously got lost under all Frank's rubbish.
Er, he threw out some papers earlier.
No! Alwood, Heald, Bardham, Riddleforth, Uckford, Osric.
Derren Brown would be proud.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Huh! Why I'm doing you a favour I don't know.
You were obviously holding something back at the hospital.
I told you, I was visiting Auntie Mabel.
Flaming haemorrhoids.
Aw, my heart bleeds for you.
No, not me - Mabel.
Terrible.
So you don't know anything about the attack on Anne Quintus? Scouts honour.
If I had anything concrete I'd tell you.
Yeah.
I also know what an evasive pain in the backside you are.
Mm, I thought you loved me? Yeah, about as much as haemorrhoids.
Look, this background check is completely unrelated.
It's a different case.
PHONE RINGS Sergeant? OK.
Thanks.
Melvin Pipkin has no previous convictions.
Excuse me? Hi.
Do you know if anyone round here owns a Wolseley? Wolseley? It's a car.
Car? No? Hello, Peter.
It's Lu.
Can you tell me, do any of these villages mean anything to you? So we have Alwood, Bardham, Heald, Riddleforth, Uckford No? Osric? No? OK.
Yes, yes, I know, time's ticking.
Bye.
Ah, well! Thought I'd find you here.
- The usual, Brenda? - Thank you.
Did Anne give you my message? About the money.
Are you listening? - Anne's in hospital.
- Hospital? And I've been given a death sentence.
What the hell are you on about, Peter? It's not long left now.
Do you know, you've finally cracked.
I always said you weren't right in the head.
Don't have a go.
And why shouldn't I? Because you have wrecked everything.
We weren't right together, you and me.
- But I did love you, though.
- Don't.
Not that it matters any more.
Nothing does.
I'm in trouble, Bren.
I'm in real trouble.
- Is this another one of your lies? - No! So, please .
.
be nice to me.
Just this once.
Please.
Please.
No, I've really got no idea who attacked me.
Do you know a neighbourhood warden called Melvin? Only to say hello to.
Well, it's just, er, I think he's a bit fixated with you.
Oh, he's like that with all the women on the street.
So you've never felt threatened by him? No, no, he's just a funny little man with a funny accent.
Accent? From Liverpool.
Of course, Liverpudlian.
So? Well, Everton's in Liverpool.
The sign on the photo.
PHONE RINGS Hello.
What? I'll I'll be right there.
Sorry.
- What's happened? - I was hoping you could tell me.
You asked me to do a background check on some warden called Melvin Pipkin and the next thing he's dead.
What? How? Hit and run.
What's going on, Frank? Look, I did you a favour because I was sure that in due course you would tell me what's going on.
- I know.
- So, come on, then, tell me.
Either of you.
Frank and I have got history, but as for you, if you're withholding information don't think for one minute - that I won't arrest you.
- All right, keep your hair on.
There's no need to take that tone.
Tell that to the stiff lying in the road.
All right, I'll tell you everything.
After ten o'clock tomorrow.
- Frank! - Please.
Please, just trust me.
OK.
You better.
Or no more favours.
I'll be waiting.
GENTLE SNORING Wake up.
- What? - I said wake up! What the? Oh, don't worry! Nothing happened cos you were too drunk.
Thank God.
Of course it didn't.
I would never cheat on Anne.
This is all your doing! Hurry up and get out.
- Get out! - Seven o'clock - Just go, Peter.
- That's three hours left.
- Can you go? They are going to kill me! Get out! Get out! - Has Peter been here? - No.
Oh! We've been looking for him half the night.
- Frank's still searching.
- I know, he texted me.
- Can you try Peter's mobile? - Already have.
He's not answering.
Just try it again.
Sorry.
It's just if we can't even find him, what chance have we got of finding them? - Did that list of the villages turn up? - No.
I thought you memorised them.
I didn't have a chance to look at the ones on the back.
Wouldn't be able to go there now anyway.
PHONE RINGS Hello.
Hello.
May I speak to Peter Quintus? He's not here at the moment, but if you're one of his friends, tell him that I'm going to throw his phone and his jacket in the dustbin.
OK.
Do you know where he is? - No.
- Right.
Hang on, I recognise that voice.
I think you're mistaken.
Are you that posh boy that did a runner? No, that wasn't me.
You're so naughty! That sexy, creamy voice.
Oh, I'd recognise that anywhere.
Do you know, that sends shivers right down my spine.
Anyway Um, listen, if you're nervous about a face-to-face, we could always just have some fun on the phone.
- It's Brenda.
- So where's Peter? She doesn't know, but she's got his phone.
- Any news? - Nothing.
Just been to the hospital again.
Anne's not there any more.
- Well, do you think she's done a runner with him? - No.
Peter's too scared they'd hurt his family.
Final couple of hours - you two should be watching him like a hawk.
BOTH: We know! I'm going to go back to his house, just in case he turns up.
I was sure that warden was behind it, and he goes and dies on me.
How terribly thoughtless of him.
I've never been a great believer.
But I always tried to be a good man.
If you can hear me, Lord .
.
please help me.
I'm begging you! Please help me.
- This is pointless! - Temper, temper.
Oh, I know you missed breakfast, but this is a new low.
Oh! - What's this? - That's Lu's list of places.
- Everton? - Not the one near Liverpool, obviously.
But there's no village called that round here.
That one's not a village, just a college.
Named after the theatre director.
Sir Jasper Everton? Never heard of him.
It's quite new.
Used to be an old mill.
I need some wheels.
- Well, Lu's searching for Peter.
- So call me a cab.
- Oo-oh! Yeah, yeah.
Don't go anywhere, mate.
- Thanks for your time.
I'll be in touch.
- Thanks.
Bye.
- KNOCK AT DOOR.
- Oh! Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you there.
I'm, er, I'm Lu, Frank Hathaway's partner.
Sorry, I'm still a bit jumpy from the break-in.
First time back from hospital.
Yes, I saw the police leaving.
They were asking me questions about a hit and run.
What, what are you doing here? Um, well, Peter's gone off the radar.
- You don't think he's.
- No.
No, we've still got another hour, haven't we? But we do need to find him, so I don't know where he is.
Could we check the funeral parlour? - Yeah, sure.
- Great.
"Is this the promised end?" "Or image of that horror?" Is it time? Almost.
Oh, please, you don't have to do this.
You could just forget about it.
Please.
- We don't forget.
- Or forgive.
I'll pay you.
Name your price.
There's no going back.
At least tell me why.
What have I done?! You honestly have no idea? No.
Then there's truly no hope for you.
Are you ready? BELL TOLLS How will you do it? I won't get drawn into the messy details.
Messy.
But at the stroke of ten, the end will come.
No! No! No! No.
No.
No! NO! No, no! NO! No.
No! No.
- They're coming! - Peter? Give me some water.
- Are you all right? - They poisoned me.
KNOCKING AT DOOR No, no, no! They're here, they're here! Peter Peter, it's me, Frank.
- I'm still alive? - Yes.
The poison? You had a panic attack and fainted.
Mr R and Mr G? Yeah, it was it was me knocking.
There's something you need to know about those two.
Now raise your arms and sway like trees in the wind.
Excellent, guys.
Over to you, Graham.
Thanks, Rog.
Now become the wind.
- Everton Arts College? - They work there.
Mr R's a drama professor and Mr G's a lecturer.
That doesn't make any sense.
The letter you dropped, that was addressed to the college.
Do you know them? - Have you been studying there? - Studying? Please, don't get angry.
And there was a suitcase in your kitchen.
Is that why you came back from the hospital, so you could pack? Yes.
What the hell is going on? - Answer me! - Calm down.
Are you behind all this? How could you? - Whoa, that's enough of that, fella! - Back off.
Back off.
You're right.
It was my idea.
Everything.
I'm leaving you for Mr R.
- Roger.
- What? But before going, I wanted you to experience just for one day .
.
just a fraction of the fear that I've had to feel for the last two years.
Some days I thought the punches and the kicks would never stop.
I thought I was going to die.
Was it you that put her in hospital? I texted you to meet me at The Hanging Man.
I meant to reply.
What did you want? I just needed you with me for support.
Is that too much to ask? Of course not.
Sorry, sorry.
I was busy.
Busy! Do you know what I'm going through? I'm running out of time! Don't walk away from me! You get back here! SHE SCREAMS That's it! He's always been violent.
Just ask Brenda.
What kind of man are you? I honestly think that I would be dead now if it wasn't for that lovely warden.
Melvin? Last year he came to my aid in the garden when Peter attacked me.
He's been looking out for me ever since.
- Not any more.
- That's right.
Hang on, how did you know he was dead? Did you kill him? I want a word with you.
Not you again.
I saw the ambulance.
Did you hurt her? You mind your own business.
As a servant of this community, it IS my business.
You get that away from me.
I haven't finished yet.
You listen to me You stay where you are.
I told you last time I'd call the police.
HORN HONKS You're looking at a long sentence for this.
Not without proof.
Now get out.
Get out, all of you! So whose idea was it to tie you up? Mine.
I was trying to get Peter to fire you.
You should go to the police about the abuse.
I will.
I'm sorry if I led you on a wild goose chase.
Ah, with ten grand from Peter, don't apologise.
I can't help feeling like Peter's getting off lightly, though.
Two years max.
Where you going? Well, you never know Nah.
No dents, no blood, nothing.
Oh! Melvin's badge.
Looks like we've just found our proof.
Should have locked him up years ago! She belongs to me.
She's my wife! I love you, Anne.
I never meant to hurt you.
Yes, you did.
Now rot in hell.
Now are you ready to tell me everything? Here we are.
- Earl Grey for you, Lu.
- Thanks.
- Bog-standard for you, Frank.
- Thank you.
Funny case this, isn't it? I mean, the good man turned out to be bad, not good, and the bad men turned out to be good and not bad.
You know, bad not good, good not bad.
You know, see what I mean? - Aw, words aren't your strong point, are they? - No.
There must be a better way of putting all that.
- Allow me.
- Oh, here we go.
The bard has a phrase for everything.
Ahem! "O, what may man within him hide," "Though angel on the outward side!" Marvellous.
Thank you.
I was talking about the tea.
Philistine!