She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1
What happened to me?
I'm sorry. I tried to warn you.
My blood got into your system.
So I turn into a Hulk now too.
Who the hell are you?
- She-Hulk! She-Hulk! She-Hulk!
- Ms Walters?
We just started a
Superhuman Law Division,
and I want the She-Hulk
to be the face of it.
I can't wait to take on
whatever case you assign me
Your first case is the
parole of Emil Blonsky.
Also known as Abomination.
Jennifer Walters.
I've already got a winning
strategy, and it is 100% in the bag.
You might wanna take a
look at the news right now.
After shocking footage
leaked showing the Abomination
participating in what appears
to be an underground fight club,
after having escaped from prison.
Do you wanna explain to me
why you failed to mention
that you not only escaped from prison,
but you were also recorded doing so?
You said to my face that you never
turn into the Abomination anymore.
No, I said I choose not to.
You know, these were
extenuating circumstances.
You understand that this
constitutes another crime
and totally destroys
your chances at parole?
What?
Nah, 'cause I was
forced to leave my cell,
but I returned of my own free will.
Who forced you to escape this insanely
high-security prison undetected?
A Sorcerer Supreme of the
Mystic Arts, and his name is
Wong. Just Wong.
And his Internet presence
is a little chaotic.
He's either a sorcerer
who lives in New York,
or a librarian who lives in Nepal.
Can you get to him?
Yes, Jen. It's me. Of
course I can get to him.
I sent a thirst trap. It was a
picture of me with a bunch of books.
Yeah, well, let's just
hope he calls back.
If Blonsky's telling the truth,
this guy busted him out of his prison cell
and probably ruined my entire case.
I know you can't wait
to see Wong. I get it.
I wanna make sure that you don't think
this is one of those cameo every
week type of shows. It's not.
Well, except Bruce.
And Blonsky. And Wong.
Just remember whose
show this actually is.
Attorney Jennifer Walters
of law firm GLK and H
has been tapped to
represent Emil Blonsky,
also known as the Abomination,
in his upcoming parole hearing.
The news has stirred
up much controversy.
Ever since it's been revealed that
Jennifer Walters has a superhero
alter-ego called She-Hulk,
the statuesque green lawyer has
been plagued by public backlash,
with many questioning her qualifications.
They took the Hulk's manhood away,
but then they gave it to a woman?
I don't get it. Why are you
turning every superhero into a girl?
So we have a MeToo movement,
and now all the male heroes are gone?
I have no problem with female
heroes. Just saying make your own.
I don't know about y'all, but I'd smash.
We have Gideon Wilson, the prosecutor
who put the Abomination away
all those years ago. Gideon.
First, I would like to say,
it is frankly appalling that
anyone would work towards
freeing a monster like the
Have you seen this insanity?
I don't care what anybody says about me.
There's something in this
country called due process.
- Emil deserves a fair hearing.
- You have to respond.
You have to be in control
of your own narrative.
Jennifer Walters speaking.
Yes, I will be right there.
Holliway beckons.
Come on. This case is huge.
People wanna know every
single detail about your life.
You're a public figure now.
The office has been flooded with
calls and requests for interviews,
so you should do one.
People only care because I'm
representing Emil Blonsky.
Once that's over, this whole
media circus will die down.
No, Jen, this is not gonna go away
just because you're ignoring it.
Every minute I spend on this crap
is one less minute I
spend focusing on my job.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
I am incredibly upset.
What kind of office
doesn't have any Red Bulls?
- Dennis.
- No way Not Jen Walters.
Ms. Walters is head of the
Superhuman Law Division.
We have too much history for me to
be comfortable with her on the case.
I would love to know what this
is about and not work on it.
- You wanted to see me?
- Ah, yes.
Mallory Book is also in
the Superhuman Law Division.
Yeah. No, I can't talk to a 10
about embarrassing man stuff.
She could be my next fiancée.
Happy to not be involved.
Is he a lawyer? He looks
cool. I'll take him.
Well, our friend, Mr.
Bukowski from the DA's office,
needs help on a delicate matter.
He's been defrauded by an ex-girlfriend
and wants to file a suit against
her to get his money back.
Yeah. I bought her jewelry, flew
her to Bali for a photo-shoot,
paid off her Volkswagen
Passat. Subscribed to
But why the Superhuman Law Division?
The girlfriend in question is a
shapeshifting Light Elf from New Asgard.
Wow, Dennis.
Okay. Well, to be fair, I thought
I was dating Megan Thee Stallion.
I'm sorry. What?
Sorry. You thought you were
dating Megan Thee Stallion?
Multiple Grammy award-winner
megastar Megan Thee Stallion?
What part of "shapeshifter"
did you not get?
- You thought she drove a Passat?
- This is why I don't want Walters.
I'm so sorry.
Ms. Walters, I received your message.
Uh, Mr. Wong. Great
entrance. Perfect timing.
- I really need to take this.
- You may go.
Thank you. Uh, Pug, good luck.
Dennis
Sorry.
Everything Mr. Blonsky
told you is factual.
I extracted him from the
prison against his own wishes,
because I required a worthy opponent
as part of my training to
become Sorcerer Supreme.
And as Sorcerer Supreme,
I insist that he not be
punished for my actions.
Again, I am not the one
who will be punishing him.
The parole board will not release
him after seeing this video.
I know what you're
thinking, Ms. Walters,
and I'm not erasing everyone's memories.
Not again.
That is not what I was thinking.
That is highly unethical.
Yeah, it's also very messy, believe me.
- Okay.
- We'll send him to the Mirror Dimension.
- Don't know what that is, but no.
- Shadow Dimension?
What you can do to help is show up
at the hearing and explain everything.
Very well. We'll reserve
sorcery for strategy B.
Don't tap your nose.
So, Mr. Bukowski, how much
money in cash and gifts
did you spend on the Megan
Thee Stallion imposter?
Oh, man.
How about I just say a number, and
you tell me higher or lower, okay?
Considering that you bought her a
mid-sized sedan, how about $50,000?
100?
- 200?
- $200,000? I am not a fool.
- No, it was more like 175.
- 100 $175,000?
That's a house in parts of
the country, Mr. Bukowski.
Yeah, right.
So, are you gonna help me or not?
I'm gonna start building your case,
and I will be in touch, Mr. Bukowski.
All right.
Okay.
I'm not really Megan Thee Stallion.
What's up, bro? How's it hanging, man?
I got a change of heart.
I'm gonna drop the case.
Wait. What? Just now? You just
The truth is, I think somewhere
deep inside, I knew. You know?
I gave those things 'cause I wanted to.
I was just embarrassed to get
found out in such a public way.
But at some point in time, you
gotta take personal responsibility.
- I have to say, this is unexpected.
- Well, it's just money after all.
And now, I have a
I got a story to tell.
I'm sorry, Mr This is Pug.
Hey, man. I think somebody
towed my Cybertruck.
They're saying it was a handicapped spot.
I swear it was a Cybertruck spot.
Hello? You there?
Your jaw's on the floor
because I drive a Cybertruck.
Security!
I love harassing women in the
workplace. It's my kick, baby.
- Not cool.
- Let that be a warning.
I don't.
You guys know me.
We're coming to you live from
outside the ultra-high security prison
where the man known as the Abomination
will appear before a parole board.
There is much public furor
over the possible release of
Wait. Is that her?
She-Hulk, can we get a word?
Is it true you were
rejected by the Avengers?
That was Jennifer Walters,
also known as She-Hulk,
rumored to have been
rejected by the Avengers.
- Hey. Are you ready for this?
- Yeah.
Uh, are those your soulmates?
- Ah, yeah.
- Okay.
Is Wong about?
No. I don't understand how a guy
with zero commute time is late.
We are here today to determine
whether Emil Blonsky is
suitable for return to society after
having served his minimum sentence.
In light of recent
evidence of a prison escape,
I think we all know how this is
gonna go. So, let's keep this brief.
As Mr. Blonsky's counsel, I would love
to address the alleged prison escape.
We do have a witness
who is able to clear Mr. Blonsky
of any wrongdoing on his part.
Then we'll start with that then.
Well, yes, the witness is
prepared to give a statement
after Mr. Blonsky gives his.
Are we really entertaining
the idea of releasing
someone who's been documented
escaping from prison?
Now hold on. Mr. Blonsky, do you
feel you have been rehabilitated?
Uh
Let's start by saying
that I feel great remorse,
great shame to those that I've harmed.
So, to answer your question, yes,
I feel I have been rehabilitated.
I've spent every day of my incarceration
focused solely on redemption.
I have changed.
Emotionally, physically,
metaphysically, spiritually,
karmically, cosmically,
inter-dimensionally
Et cetera.
What Mr. Blonsky is trying to say
is that the man you see before you
is not the same Emil Blonsky as before.
All he wants now is to be a
contributing member of society.
If released, would you
have a place to live?
Yeah. You can rely on that.
Mr. Blonsky does own a plot of land
on which he plans to work and reside.
He's going into farming?
No. Actually, he plans to open a
meditation retreat on the property.
So, just very Well, you know
And how does Mr. Blonsky
intend to fund this endeavor?
Mr. Blonsky is currently
in a long-term committed
relationship with several pen pals.
All of whom have pledged
to financially support him.
Excuse me. If I could
- May I clarify? Yeah.
- No.
Blair, Ruth, Marta, Sheila, Alejandra,
Yvonne and Nicolette are my soulmates.
We met through the
prison pen pal program.
They are my better eighths.
Love you.
I don't think we need to get into
that any further. Any other questions?
Blonsky started the
prison's literacy program.
He's helped countless
prisoners learn how to read.
He leads guided meditation
and yoga for the prisoners.
- He saved me from a bad marriage.
- That's it, Carl. Let it flow.
Now the library is more than just
a quiet place to shiv someone.
Instead of toilet wine,
prisoners make toilet kombucha.
- I release you, Linda.
- Proud of you, Carl.
- I love you so much.
- Yeah, okay, we're done with Carl.
Is that all? Because there's still
the matter of Mr. Blonsky's escape.
Uh
Yes, there were extenuating circumstances
that the witness will explain.
If he ever decides to show up.
My apologies, Ms. Walters and Emil.
- Ah! Finally.
- I lost track of time.
I've asked Wong here today
because he is the man responsible
for Emil Blonsky leaving prison.
And I do think you will see this whole
thing in a totally different light
after hearing from him.
Have you ever heard of a kumite?
Mmm-mmm.
I'd like to move for dismissal
of all charges against my client.
On what grounds?
Runa is the daughter of an Elfin
diplomat on Asgard
and now in New Asgard.
- Did you know about this?
- As such, she has diplomatic immunity.
She may have diplomatic
immunity in New Asgard,
but we are not in New Asgard.
Excuse me, Your Honor,
but Asgard is not a place, it
is a people. Therefore, I
Thor's inspirational speeches
are not admissible in court.
Your Honor, this case
is very cut and dry.
My client was defrauded of
$175,000 by a scam artist.
He deserves compensation
for the financial and emotional
trauma that he's suffered.
My client and Mr. Bukowski were
in a consensual relationship
- and engaged in role-play.
- Oh, gross.
No rational adult would have
believed my client's texts
were from the real Megan Thee Stallion.
Mr. Bukowski knew he
was dating Miss Runa
and went along with it until
it no longer suited him.
I did not.
This was a relationship
gone bad, not a scam.
Mr. Bukowski was blinded by love.
He absolutely believed that he was
dating the real Megan Thee Stallion.
I must say, I find it
hard to believe that
Mr. Bukowski could be fooled so easily.
And the onus is on you to
prove that, Mr. Pugliese.
That being said, I'll
allow this to go to trial.
So, Miss Runa, your motion
to dismiss is denied.
Crushed that.
And when this is over, I'm canceling
my Hollywood Hookups subscription.
There's clearly no vetting process.
In light of some new information I have
just received, I'm changing my ruling.
Come on, Runa. This is
getting a little broad.
Impersonating a judge is
illegal. Get down from there.
This is very good for us.
Yuck.
In regard to Mr. Blonsky vacating
his cell, I gave him no choice.
But it was absolutely
his choice to return.
I offered him asylum at the Kamar-Taj,
which is lovely this time of the year.
But he was quite adamant he be returned
to serve out his sentence
and repay his debt to society.
Thank you.
So you see, Emil Blonsky was forced
out of his cell against his will.
And even when offered instant freedom,
he chose to return to his cell.
These are not the actions of a criminal
but of a reformed man who truly
wants to do the right thing.
Well, that may be true of Emil Blonsky,
but when Blonsky uncontrollably
becomes Abomination,
isn't he a raging monster out for blood?
Uh Excuse me. If I could
just put your minds at ease
- Oh, no, absolutely not.
- Hang on a sec.
- No. No, no.
- What?
Emil. Emil, no.
- It's fine, Jen.
- No, please.
No, no, no, no. You
Don't No, no, no, no.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no.
Everybody just relax
Get out of there! Get him
- Oh, my God!
- Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Oh, my God.
- Hang on. Force is not necessary.
As you can see, I'm in full control.
That's enough! Change back now!
Get down! Down. He's fine.
It's fine. He's totally fine.
- Emil!
- All right, all right. Calm down.
Please
Uh
Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you to
forgive Mr. Blonsky's enthusiasm.
He didn't intend to frighten anyone.
In fact, this proves
that in every instance,
Mr. Blonsky could have broken free
but has chosen to remain in his cell.
As his stellar prison record reflects,
Mr. Blonsky spent
his entire incarceration
practicing a strict regimen
of training and self-discipline
so that he may walk
among his fellow citizens
with no chance of becoming a
rampaging Abomination again.
He deserves a future as a free
man and a productive citizen.
Thank you, Ms. Walters.
We will adjourn for today
and consider all of the facts.
We will reconvene once a
decision has been reached.
And please, let's get
this man some clothes.
- Oh, yeah.
- And as for Mr. Wong
Just "Wong." The Sorcerer
Supreme. Master of the Mystic Arts.
Leader and former
librarian of Kamar-Taj.
Yeah. You realize that
you've just admitted to facilitating
a prisoner escape, which is a crime.
I must depart.
There she is.
How do you plan to take Blonsky
down when he rampages again?
What about claims that you're one
of Blonsky's rumored soulmates?
Is there any truth to the
rumors you got your powers
- from a Mafia hit gone wrong?
- What?
That was Jennifer Walters rushing by,
undoubtedly hoping
to avoid the protesters
that are gathered just
outside the gates here.
And then I get to my car, and
some protester has written on it,
"Monster defending a monster."
This can go away with
one little interview.
- Good Day LA is thirsty for you.
- No, thank you. Hard pass.
I cannot wait for this to be over
so I can go back to being
a normal anonymous lawyer.
- Who also happens to be a Hulk.
- What are you talking about?
Jen, the genie is out of the
bottle, girl. You are a story now.
Okay, yeah. No. I don't want this.
Oh, my God. You're pregnant
with the Abomination's baby,
and you're flaunting a baby-bump.
- That's who the father is?
- Yeah.
Good God. Dennis Bukowski.
Yeah. No, you're gonna need that.
Connecting the A and B story. Nice.
How did you two work
with him for so long?
Oh, I killed him in my head several
times, in many different ways.
And yet he was convinced
that she had a crush on him.
- The man is almost terminally deluded.
- I'd call him gross.
Yeah. Just gross.
Hey, would you be willing
to say that under oath?
I swear the testimony
I'm about to give today
is the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.
Hey, P-Dog, how is Jen our best option?
I gave you a whole list of my boys.
Jen is gonna help us
clinch this. Trust me.
Ms. Walters, how would you describe
your relationship to Mr. Bukowski?
We worked together for several
years at the DA's office.
Would you say that you know
Mr. Bukowski fairly well?
Definitely. We worked
regularly on cases together,
so I've spent a lot of
time with Mr. Bukowski.
Did he ever share his
personal life with you?
Specifically, his dating life.
Yes, he would,
prolifically and unprompted.
You wanted to know.
How would you characterize Mr. Bukowski
in relation to his romantic life?
Self-absorbed, chauvinistic, conceited.
He once described himself as
a New York 10 and an LA 11.
He nicknamed his office
the Dennisphere
Objection. Relevance.
Mr. Bukowski, need I remind you that
you're not representing yourself here?
And this is your witness.
But I agree. Mr. Pugliese,
get to your point.
It's been stated many
times in this courtroom
that a man of reasonable intelligence
would never think that he was
dating the real Megan Thee Stallion.
In your opinion, Ms. Walters, do you think
that Dennis Bukowski would believe
that he could actually
pull Megan Thee Stallion?
Yes. Dennis Bukowski is an almost
pathologically entitled man.
He would absolutely believe that he's
dating the real Megan Thee Stallion
because he is truly that delusional.
No further questions, Your Honor.
In the case of Bukowski v. Runa,
I award full damages to Dennis Bukowski
in the amount of $175,000.
In addition,
we also sentence the defendant to
60 days for impersonating a judge.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's right. There's only
one Megan Thee Stallion.
Make some noise.
Ah!
You guys think I have a shot
with the real Megan Thee Stallion?
Should I go back?
No. No. Please, don't do that. Thanks
for that testimony in there, Jen.
It was my pleasure.
The sad part is that elf's just
gonna get a slap on the wrist.
I wish there was a way
we could remove her powers
and make sure she doesn't
victimize anyone else.
Oh! Did Dennis Bukowski
just give me an idea?
That will stay between us.
We've just received word the
parole board has reached a decision.
After reviewing his record,
we hereby grant Mr. Blonsky's release
on parole, effective immediately.
Yes.
As a condition of his parole,
Mr. Blonsky is prohibited from
turning into Abomination indefinitely,
and is ordered to wear an
inhibitor in perpetuity.
Any violation of this condition will
result in his immediate return to prison.
Understood. Thank you.
Thank you, Jen. I'm
in your debt, you know.
Spiritually, of course.
Just stay out of the
news. That's all I ask.
I don't wanna read any more
stories about either of us.
You might wanna reconsider that.
They're gonna write a story about
you one way or the other, you know.
Better to be a part of it, really.
The Abomination is now a free man.
Here with us in the studio, the lawyer
responsible for his release, She-Hulk.
Yeah, my name is Jennifer
Walters, not She-Hulk,
and my client's name is Emil
Blonsky, not the Abomination.
Got it.
The high-profile nature of this case and
the fact that you yourself are a Hulk
has catapulted you into the public eye.
So, tell us, how did you come up
with the name She-Hulk?
Oh! Funny story, I didn't.
Some random guy on the
news came up with it
after thinking about it for,
like, two seconds, but it stuck.
So, now whether I like it or
not, I am forever She-Hulk.
Great. We have to take a break.
When we come back, She-Hulk
shares her diet and exercise secrets.
I'm sorry. What?
I got her. Come on, guys. I got her.
Oh, wait.
Get off me.
If you're gonna strut around
showing off your powers,
you better be able to back it up.
When did I ever strut around
and show off my powers?
Did you guys rob an
Asgardian construction worker?
Yeah.
All right, let's do this.
Sorry.
Okay, bad idea, bad idea.
- Fall back!
- Go, go, go!
Okay, fellas, I admit that did
not go exactly as I imagined it.
Thunderball, did you get it?
No. Once she turned into She-Hulk,
I couldn't pierce that nasty green skin.
Damn it. Boss is gonna be mad.
Hi. There's my new favorite client.
Just Just your signature there.
And then just initial. Good.
And initials up here.
Huh.
Oh, you are way more
fun than my last lawyer.
- I will kill for you, Megan Thee Stallion.
- Dial it back.