Shelved (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

Patton Jefferson liked my post.
I don't care.
Which one, you ask?
"Hey, Toronto, let's fix the highways
with fake meat and feminism."
- Sounds like a mad lib.
- You sound like a mad lib.
Oh, that's a good one. Hi. Paige Phlip?
- Hey.
- Hi. I'm Jaq.
Um, Wendy's expecting
you. Just one second.
Wendy?
Yeah. How you doing? Paige Phlip?
That's an interesting name.
What is that, European or something?
No. It's a house name.
All my siblings are part
of the Phlip dynasty.
Aerial Phlip. Twist Phlip. Table Phlip.
What, what? You're a
Paige Phlip?
- Wendy Yarmouth.
- You look fantastic.
Here. Let me show you
the setup for story time.
Great.
Thank you so much for coming, Paige.
That's a drag queen, yeah?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. What was your first clue?
She's here to read for story time.
Sally has hand-foot-mouth disease.
- That's our story time reader?
- Mm-hmm.
Fudge bags. Oh, this is
going to be a whole thing.
Excuse me.
Uh, you're not excused.
Oh. Did you need something else?
Mm-hmm. Um
Uh, okay. Now, you're excused.
- Oh, Bryce?
- Yeah?
- Now, you're excused.
- Argh!
Oh.
Flower delivery here?
Strange.
Ah, thanks.
They're for Alvin Canada.
Gross.
Yeah. From a client of his, I guess.
"Roses are red. Money is green.
Thanks for your advice
and time to convene."
What it should say is,
"Roses are red. Money is
green. You're a loser."
You know what? I might
write that one down.
No, no, no. That's a felony.
I'm going to have a word with him.
Mm-hmm. Uh, wait. Can
you give these to him?
I think he's getting audited.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, no. I
That's so sweet.
Oh.
Oh.
- Correct.
- Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
Why is the man dressed like a woman?
Shh.
She's confusing the kids.
- Do you like this one?
- Oh, I do like this one.
And now, we are losing patrons. Great.
Are you going to read that?
What? No. Here.
Wait.
- You look conservative.
- Thank you.
Did you know there's a drag
queen here to read to children?
Show me.
- Great, great, great.
- This one's a fabulous one.
This one is about
- Subhan Allah.
- Yeah. Exactly.
You calling your boys
down at the mosque?
Razia, there's a drag
queen at the library.
Story time.
No. For the children.
Yes. Kids. Okay. Be quick.
She's on her way.
- Tell me something.
- Mm-hmm?
Why is it only for the children?
You can direct all your complaints
to Wendy, our branch manager. She
- Wait. Did you say "only"?
- My wife loves "Drag Race."
We don't have any kids,
but is it all right
if we sit in the back?
Will the queen take a selfie with us?
Oh, for
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, folks.
If you're here for story
time, I hate to tell you
there's been a bit of an issue.
Our reader cancelled, and
our branch manager here
thought it'd be a good idea to have a
- Paige Phlip!
- Don't point, honey. It's rude.
You're here to see the drag
queen with your children?
Oh, yes, we are. My kids love her.
We saw her post and rushed right down.
Come on, kiddos. Let's get a good seat.
- Thanks for your help.
- I didn't help you.
- Come on.
- Come on down, kiddos.
- Get in there. Aw.
- Great.
- Welcome.
- This one's for you.
Psst.
Oh. I'm sorry. Can you
hold this for one second?
- Okay. Yep.
- I just have to
I'll talk to you later.
I just want to have a quick
word, if you don't mind.
Just this way, okay?
Do you think this is appropriate
for such young children?
Young? There are a few little ones,
but this is the biggest
crowd we've had yet.
Kids should not be
exposed to adult issues.
Adult issues?
Sexuality is not a topic that should
be explored at story time, Wendy.
Sexuality? Paige is using the
same approved book list as Sally.
The book? Ha!
Kids are going to have questions
about him, not the book.
I got to say, Bryce, I was
really hoping that you would
not be as closed-minded
as you're being right now.
Okay. Look. Paige can
do whatever she/her does
at the nightclubs and the
discotheques or whatever.
But the library is a safe space. Okay?
And how is it closed-minded
to want to protect children?
Protect them from what?
How is a parent supposed to explain
a drag queen to their kids?
It's pretty simple. Dad
just explained to me.
A drag queen is a man, but
doesn't have to be a man,
who dresses up fancy for a performance,
and it's part of being their true self.
Bryce, really?
Well, you tried.
Oh, no. No. This is not over.
It's a sit-in.
Of pretty flowers
This is a sit-in!
Keep story time safe for children.
Keep story time safe for children!
Hashtag, make story time great again.
- Do not post that, Jaq.
- Post it.
Ahmed, my dude, it's already posted.
Don't post that, Jaq. Jaq? Jaq?
Why are you coming from that way?
Well, you know, it's the
most efficient way to go
if you want to take the long way around
to avoid seeing Sheila again.
What did you do?
I had to go past the
suit of happiness room,
through a back alley, down
the freight elevator
No, dummy. Why?
I think she thought that
Alvin's flowers were from me to her.
And when she kind of reached for them,
I sort of yanked them away.
Ugh.
And she played it off like
she didn't reach for them.
- I ran.
- Cringe.
I know.
But then, I don't know.
Maybe that means that
she kind of, I don't know,
wants flowers from me?
But what does a married woman
want with flowers from me?
Well, who told you she was married?
- Bryce?
- Bryce.
- So, she's not married?
- Well, technically, she is.
But you know, she's separated
and finalizing her divorce.
So long as we're on this line of
questioning, you know, is she dating?
I mean, you know, who's all
dating? Is Wendy? Are you?
I want to know about all my
co-workers, not just Sheila.
Okay. Oh, my God. Dude, shoot your shot.
Oh.
Go.
And when I turn the page,
you say, "Paige Phlip."
- Paige Phlip!
- Yes, Kareem.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Shh. What is the problem now?
Patton Jefferson reposted
that story time photo
that Jaq took of me.
- Don't you love that guy?
- With all my heart.
- Then it's a good thing.
- No. He wrote,
"Look at these immoral liberals
wasting our tax dollars.
And this clown's just sitting
there letting it happen."
I'm not the clown. That's the clown!
Excuse me?
Bryce, I think you should
go on your break now.
Go on your break!
Go on.
He's lucky that wasn't Kick Phlip.
"Jameson Library is
committed to creating
a diverse and safe
environment for its employees
and our patrons regardless
of age, colour, race,
gender identity or expression "
" sexual orientation "
" national origin,
genetics "
" religion, disability, citizenship
or immigration status."
Quick question.
How many lunches have to be
ruined by sensitivity training
because Bryce said something stupid?
He's not even taking this seriously.
You know, he offended
one of our patrons.
How is she, or is it he?
"It"?
Oh, no. I didn't mean to say that.
- I'm so sorry.
- Paige is "she/her."
Roger-roger. Thank you. Shutting up.
Regardless of pronouns,
if you see something that you
believe violates this statement,
you can report the incident to me
or our assistant branch manager.
Actually, best to report it to me.
I like Paige. She's more provocative.
What exactly is provocative about her?
Oh, no. Did I do it
again? Owen, I'm so sorry.
Why me?
- Your moms.
- They're not drag queens.
I haven't eaten.
Don't. Don't.
Is this chip carbonated?
Look. I thought Paige
did a fantastic job,
but we shouldn't sideline Sally
just 'cause she's not a drag queen.
- Right on, Howie.
- I'm not on your side.
Don't you find Sally
a little bit vanilla?
Are we allowed to say "vanilla"?
Yes, but white ladies
cannot say "chocolate."
Bryce?
Went down the wrong hole.
My acai smoothie!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Oh. Just a second.
If we have to do another
sensitivity seminar,
we're going to need a
workplace violence meeting.
Yes. I wholeheartedly agree.
Could I get your opinion on something?
How would you go about wooing someone?
Oh, damn it. Are we still
on this conversation?
- Help me out?
- Mm-mmm.
Okay. Well, I could do it myself.
I could find Sheila's number.
Just get her handle and
like a few of her posts
and slide into her DMs
like a normal person would.
And now, don't talk
to me for 10 minutes.
- See? Handles. There's a
- 10 minutes.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Time to go home. Got
work to do around here.
- Bryce, Bryce?
- Real work. Yeah? What?
I am really disappointed that
you didn't take the meeting seriously.
Who did? Thing was a mess.
Tanya left that meeting
more confused than when
it started, all right?
If Tanya can't understand,
how do you expect kids to?
Kids don't understand a lot of things.
But both Tanya and kids
are open to learning,
which is more than I can
say about you right now.
You make me come to these meetings
to understand your point of view,
but you never have
meetings to listen to mine.
How is that inclusive?
Your point of view
is literally excluding
a vital member of our community.
Hmm. It's a slippery slope,
and not the waterpark kind
but equally as dangerous.
If you have a drag queen
reading to kids, who's next?
Who's next?
Excuse me. I've about had enough.
Honey, you are a dinosaur.
And you better evolve
before you go extinct,
you dusty old pattosaur.
Patt-riot, actually, okay?
Before misinformation
meteors rain down on you
and relegate you to irrelevance,
evolve, boo-boo, before
they find your fossils
and the kids find out
that what could've been
a magnificent creature is actually just
an oversized chicken
with a pea-sized brain.
They're gonna put your bones
on display, you ignoramus Rex.
Dinosaur!
Do his clothes now. Do his clothes.
Wait a minute. I'll start.
This outfit is one Tiki
torch away from a hate crime.
Mm-hmm.
Look at that sad plaid and tacky khaki.
Where'd you get your
clothes from, huh? H&M?
Heterosexual and Mad about it?
- You ate that.
- Mmm!
What is happening?
I believe you got read to filth.
Yes, you did, honey.
Consider the library closed.
Closed.
- It's closed.
- If this is what story time is like,
we need to tell the boys at the mosque.
Hey, Sheila. Um, you need some help?
- No, I'm good.
- Oh.
Actually, sure. Thank you.
- So, did you see the
- How are you?
Uh, you first.
Sorry.
So, did you see the commotion
with Wendy and Bryce?
- Yeah. Paige is so cool.
- Yeah. She is.
I actually got a picture
with her for my socials.
Can I see that? Oh, give me your handle.
Oh. It's my full name
with "XO" at the end.
Uh-huh.
Wow. You know what? These
are really handsome
What?
Excuse me. I'm just
looking for the exercise
and sports science section?
No. I'm here to talk to my
Howard, this is Adonis.
Yes. I can see that.
Adonis is my ex-husband.
Current husband.
- Ex-husband.
- Current husband.
I said what I said. It's ex.
Okay. Whatever. It's
winter. Where's your jacket?
- I run hot.
- Sorry.
If could just excuse
us for one second
This way.
Adonis.
I feel horrible about today.
Oh, don't. Nothing can make
me hate this place. It's magic.
Oh, it is magic.
And Bryce? He should
not have been so rude.
Thanks for trying to talk to him.
We can't move forward
unless we talk to each other.
But still, I want to make it
up to Parkdale's drag community,
and I have an idea.
Girl! Lay it on me.
What are you doing here?
- I have tried calling you.
- You cannot come down here.
You're going to have to
learn to be more covert
with your eavesdropping.
I wasn't eavesdropping.
Everybody else is eavesdropping.
They're just better at it than you.
See Tanya, putting
books back on the shelf?
It's the same book.
Puts it on the shelf, then
takes it right back off.
That's why she's always shelving.
Uh-huh. That lady checking her makeup?
Her mirror is pointed directly
at Sheila and that Adonis.
And look. That kid's
been tying their shoelace
for the past 10 minutes.
And they're Velcro.
Yeah. Now, use this.
Pretend to clean so you
don't look like a creep.
Yeah. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Good eye.
- Custody.
- What do you mean?
- What do you mean, what do I mean?
- What do you mean, cat custody?
Do you even want Gregory,
or are you trying to
make this difficult?
My condo has floor-to-ceiling windows
that create a giant
sunbeam. He loves it.
He loves me.
- Well?
- Well?
I guess the lawyers will be involved.
- I guess they will be.
- Mmm.
- You want Rob?
- Mm-hmm.
No problem.
- Okay, great.
- Great.
Ugh. Not this again.
Bryce, come and get your makeup done.
- Pass.
- Try it.
You might like it.
This isn't Peter Pan, Wendy.
You can't make people just
clap their hands and believe.
This is weird.
Instead of laughing at
me in this filth library,
I figured you'd respect my opinion,
because I've had your back for 10 years.
I love it, but every section of
this library seems to be drama.
Hmm.
Can I help you find a book?
I'm fine.
You sure?
It's my favourite section.
I'm pretty familiar
with all these authors.
- Do you know me?
- Uh, no. I'm sorry.
I'm Bryce, assistant branch manager.
I'm Antwan. I'm looking for "Apoca-Tips:
Your Source for Surviving
the End of the World."
Uh-huh.
Great choice, Antwan.
It is nice to meet another prepper.
Ah. I'm just getting into prepping.
I figured if the world's going to end,
might as well have snacks.
That's so true.
So true. First step of prepping?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Hmm? What?
- Be prepared.
That's sort of a trick
question, but you know
No. I got you. I got you.
I've got two weeks' supply
of food and water.
- Good. You got your bug-out bag yet?
- Oh, no. Not yet.
I was going to use
the list in this book.
Ooh. Actually, you know what?
2012, that list was torn out of here
by a previous prepper.
Hmm.
Or so they want us to believe.
- Okay.
- Okay?
You got to be careful sometimes.
All right. Here you go.
This one will help you out.
"Surviving Your Family in a Bunker."
Oh, God.
I could not survive in
a bunker with my parents.
We'd be at each other like
you and your co-worker earlier.
Yeah. Um, I'm sorry you had to see that.
You know, honestly,
Wendy wouldn't be bad in a bunker.
She's not normally like that.
That's good to hear.
And I don't know all your business,
but I do know that keeping
friends and chosen family close
is the only way I stay
sane in this crazy world.
Tell me about it.
It's hard to find someone
who sees you for who you are,
flaws and all, and still accepts you.
Keep those people close.
- Thanks for this.
- Yeah.
Whoa. Where you going with those?
I bought them for Sheila.
Uh, you're going to make
things way more awkward,
if that's even possible.
No. These will undo the awkward.
- How?
- This bouquet says,
"Look. I see that you're glum.
I hope you have a better day, buddy."
Oh. "Buddy"? I don't know.
When I said "shoot your shot,"
I didn't mean in your foot.
- Too late. I'm going.
- Oh.
I got to go.
For me?
Yeah, buddy.
Buddy?
I'm sorry. If you
could just excuse me
Oh. Ugh.
Congrats. Way more awkward, buddy.
I was hoping we could talk
without the whole library chiming in.
Yeah, sure. Take a seat.
We've been through too much
to let something so
trivial get between us.
That's the thing.
What you see as trivial
is actually a way of life
and a livelihood for drag queens.
I can't tolerate the way
you treated our guest.
I'm not alone here.
I mean, I may be alone here,
but there are others
who think like me, Wendy.
Oh? Who?
Your patt-riot friends?
Well, they're not my
friends, but like them,
I don't think we should
flaunt drag queens
in front of children.
Flaunt? Bryce, what is
the difference between
Paige wearing a sparkly dress
and Sally wearing her
polka-dot overalls?
You just have to be careful
who you expose kids to.
Like an ex-con?
It says here you have
experience managing a library,
but it doesn't say
which branch. Midtown?
No. Not Midtown.
- Somewhere in Mississauga?
- No.
Which branch did you work at?
It wasn't a branch per se.
Well, I would love to know where you
It was at the penitentiary.
I love books and libraries.
I was damn good at my job in the pen.
I just need a safe
space to prove myself,
and no one's willing to give that to me.
You were looking for a safe space,
and I offered that to you.
And now, you're trying
to take that same freedom
from someone else who needs it.
So, in conclusion, I'm a jackass?
Language. But not, you're not a donkey.
Not all the time.
I always saw something more in you.
And look at how you flourished
when you had a place to belong.
You're the assistant
head of this branch.
You cannot exclude
members of the community
based on your own biases.
I get it.
I mean, I get it, but
I get it.
And Paige is a wonderful,
intelligent, talented person
with interesting passions.
Besides, it looked like you
were already getting along.
What do you mean?
When she filth-read me?
No. You were talking
to her in the stacks.
Well, not to Paige, but to Antwan.
That's Paige when she's not in drag.
No, 'cause he was manly and strapping.
- Mm-hmm.
- But, like, how?
It's okay, Bryce. You'll get there.
Yeah.
Oh. What?
I know, right? Aren't they beautiful?
Did you see that?
She hates the flowers, so she hates me.
I moved too fast.
She's going to block me.
Should I block myself?
Should I start a new account?
Howard, what were you thinking?
Um, whoever told you to
shoot your shot, though,
that was bad advice.
No, no, no. That was you. That
was you. Jaq, that was you.
Whatever.
- Ah, it burns.
- Oh, suck it up, tough guy.
Just joking. It's a good burn.
- What is this stuff?
- Moisturizer.
What does it do?
It moisturizes.
That explains this crusty-ass skin.
Now, this has Vitamin D and C.
Good for when you're not
going to see the sun for weeks.
Oh. Well, they should
sell this at prep-cons.
Ah. It smells nice, actually.
Oh, that's the citrus, baby.
Ah.
I'm going to miss fruit most
of all when I'm bunkered up.
There's always canned fruit.
I've got peaches and mandarin oranges.
You hang on to that stuff.
That's going to be currency
when the nuclear war begins.
Oh, my money's on climate change.
That's going to force us
underground before that.
We're all going to die.
All right. Now, stand
still. This is very dry skin.
- Hey, Big Library.
- Hmm?
- Did you see Sheila's post?
- No. Why?
Check it out.
"Got these from a co-worker.
Too bad I'm severely allergic
and had to go home, but
I really needed it today.
Hashtag, allergies. Hashtag, achoo."
Yeah. Allergies.
Don't get too ahead of
yourself there, Team Jacob.
- She called you a co-worker.
- You know what? I'm going to need you
- to not say anything for 10 minutes.
- Oh!
You happy now?