Shoresy (2022) s01e03 Episode Script


Oh Canada ♪
Our home and native land ♪
True patriot love ♪
In all thy son's command ♪
Car ton bras
Sait porter l'épée ♪
Il sait porter la croix ♪
Ton histoire est une épopée ♪
Des plus brillants exploits ♪
God keep our land ♪
Glorious and free ♪
Oh Canada ♪
We stand on guard for thee ♪
Oh Canada ♪
We stand on guard for thee ♪
SHORESY: You take my lane one
time tonight, Apeldoorn,
and I'll take your entire
fuckin' top row!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
What do you mean,
you don't know how?
- I just--
- Huh?
- I just don't.
- It's not as if it's fucking
- quantum teleportation.
- I know.
It's coaching senior hockey,
it's not fucking crypto currency.
- I can do it, my dude.
I'm just saying I've never done it before.
Well, anyone can do it,
it's not fuckin' round-a-bouts.
Well, look, the Sudbury
Raspberry Rottweilers.
- Pamski!
- Ugh, put your jibs in
and have some fucking self-respect.
And if you leave that spitter
on the table again
I'll give you another fucking gap,
I swear to God.
- Wham, bam, thank you Pam.
- Fucking gross, dude.
- Can you help me coach?
- Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet.
You can't tell your coach
to shut the fuck up.
- Do I look like Ken Hitchcock?
- No.
Just help me out for the first game.
What do I look like,
Reggie Dunlop?
- A bit.
- Just don't do
- what Michaels did.
- Michaels didn't do much.
- Exactly. He's useless.
- I don't wanna yell at anybody.
Well, how are you gonna
get 'em to do what you want?
- Well, I just--
- Huh?!
- I don't want to be a bully.
- It's not fucking bullying.
Everybody's so soft.
It's tough love.
- What's the difference?
- Alright, we're teammates.
- We're brothers.
- Yeah.
- I'd go to the wall for you.
- Yeah.
- Are you my brother?
- You're my brother.
Would you go to the wall for me?
- I'll go to the wall.
- Then you're allowed to call me
a fucking useless cunt
on your way there.
- Yeah?!
- Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.
Help me out, my man,
just for the first game.
- Fuck around.
Alright, you get one.
I'll show you how it's done
but then you're on your own.
Thank you, Shoresy.
And you're calling the line-up.
- Whoa! Sanguinet!
[TEAM APPLAUDS]
All hands for leisure suit Sanger-la.
Timmins Timber Kings, boys.
Game fuckin' one.
Goody, you ready?
- Ready, Gatsby.
- Good! 'Cause you're going.
[TEAM CHEERS]
Dolo, you ready?
- Good, 'cause you're going!
[TEAM CHEERS]
- Hitch, you ready?
- Let's get on the go, b'ys!
- Good, you're going!
[TEAM CHEERS]
JJ, Frankie JJ, you ready?
What?
- Good, 'cause you're going.
[TEAM CHEERS]
Greet the fucking day, bud.
Somebody get this guy a fucking Jolt-Cola.
Shoresy, you ready?
Give your balls a tug, tit-fucker?
- You're going.
[TEAM CHEERS]
I'll hand over the floor to Shoresy.
Well, that was fucking graceful, Sanguinet.
Yeah, so, we've got some good
fuckin' players now, so we'll run 'em up.
And we got three Ojibwe Jims,
so we'll fill 'em in,
eh, Sanguinet?
- Run 'em up and fill 'em in.
That's new Bulldogs hockey.
Now, get out of the fucking way.
The rest of ya.
You, you, you, you the most,
you, you the second most, and you.
You're useless.
Actually, it's you the most,
and you the second most.
You're young, dumb,
and mostly all ugly.
Like Fish, I would think you're ugly,
but I saw you on a date with Samantha
McMeegan at Respect is Burning,
so you mustn't be.
- Tendy!
- Shoresy!
You're the worst player on our team.
Great in the room,
but you're the worst player on our team.
And your mom's a fucking dog.
Yeah, laugh it up, Sumerfeld.
Everyone knows what we call your mom. Sanguinet?
- SANGUINET: I'm not saying it.
- Sumofeld.
So, because we're so good, OK?
And he's so bad, mm-hmm,
you serve us.
- Got it?
- How?
Fish, Samantha McMeegan's ass
is an all-time ass
in a sea of unreal
Sudbury asses, so like,
stick tap on taking her
on a date and everything.
But if you interrupt me one more time,
you may as well just call Tendy's
dog mom to come pick ya up.
Yeah, so, Timmins got eight Apeldoorns,
eh Sanguinet?
If we beat the Apeldoorns,
we beat Timmins.
And we're beating fucking Timmers.
So, if you see an Apeldoorn,
you put a fuckin' shoulder in 'em.
Let 'em know you're out there, by's.
- You gotta let 'em know.
- But stay out of the box.
Fucking loser. Fish.
The Apeldoorns are super tough.
- Introduce yourselves.
- Jim.
- Jim.
- My name's also Jim.
- Problem solved.
- Thanks, Jims.
Now, as far as serving the tendy goes,
if they're shooting,
you're getting your body in front of it.
Everybody blocking shots.
All you useless guys,
blocking shots,
bugging Apeldoorns,
now everybody knows their role,
eh Sanguinet?
- Everyone knows their role.
Everyone does their job.
Yeah, so who wants to set
the tone, boys?
Who's gonna fuckin' set it?
[DOLO HOLLERS]
You could hear a bat queef
in here, gents.
- So much for bums in seats.
- Gotta start somewhere.
We started 20 games ago.
Sanger in that suit, what's up?
- Sure glad we keep the season
ticket holder section roped off.
You got some calls to return there, Nat.
What do they want now?
Still their money back.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[WHISTLE]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[WHISTLE]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[BUZZER]
I'm definitely posting this
when I get home.
Bet she does a hundo views overnight.
Shut up, you fucking nerd.
Real nice tilly, Dolo,
way to set the tone.
Holy fuck, then what happened, eh Tendy?
See? You can do it!
At the rate you're going,
we're gonna have to score
fucking 10 to win.
What, Frankie?
Holy fuck, get that guy
some fucking smoked meat amphetamines.
You ever had Portuguese chicken?
Run 'em up, fill 'em in, boys,
here come the Jims!
Don't slow down on the body, by's.
Go straight to where they're to.
Frankie, shoot the puck!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[WHISTLE]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
- Nice work, Jims.
- Hey, Shoresy!
After the draw here, give me one.
Suck my dick,
you fucking horse whisperer.
- Gimme one!
- You're the dumbest, ugliest,
most insignificant Apeldoorn.
You're fucking applesauce.
Not even your brothers like you.
You fucking come
anywhere near me, Apeldoorn,
I'll stick you right
in the face--
- Let's fucking go then!
- Right in the teeth,
- you Dutch inbred fuck.
- Come on, you pussy!
I'll break your teeth off at the gums,
you fucking garlic eater.
[BUZZER]
Shoulda had a couple of those, Tendy.
Holy.
- Sanger's suits unreal, eh?
- Knows, Goody.
Suit's unbelievable.
- B'y, she's fine menswear.
- Phenomenal.
Thought you'd have
a half dozen by now, Frankie.
What's it gonna take,
a McCain Deep and Delicious?
- Huh?
- I'll buy you fifty Deep and Deliciouses.
I'll buy you DQ for a fucking month.
How about a Dilly Bar in your belly, buddy?
- We're gonna lose.
- We can't lose.
- If we lose
- We're not fucking losing!
[PHONE VIBRATING]
Yo, Sanguinet in that suit,
what is up?
You, apparently.
Miig, if you fuck that slut,
you better--
Keep your head up, Apeldoorn!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Hey, hope the stretcher's built
for Dutchmen, you big galoot!
- Fuck off, Shoresy!
- What are you gonna fucking do?
What are you gonna do, Apeldoorn?
[LAUGHING]
- Someone call his Oma and Opa--
- Shut the fuck up!
- You're not gonna do anything.
You're not gonna do
fucking anything, Apeldoorn.
Frankie, shoot the fucking puck!
[WHISTLE]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
Sanger, call it.
Nichol, time out!
- [WHISTLE]
- Goody, JJ, Dolo, and Hitch.
Shoresy, Goody, JJ, Dolo, Hitch.
Fish, get the fuck out of the way.
Alright, boys, we're not losing
to a team who got their buckets
at fucking Giant Tiger.
Now, their D have been pinching all night.
What we're gonna do is we're gonna hit 'em
with the beer league special, OK?
So JJ, once that puck fucking drops,
I want you to B-line it straight
up to centre pass through D.
Dolo, I'm gonna wing it
back to you, you flick it over
everybody's heads, JJ skates into it.
- Good idea.
- Well, it's the best fucking
- idea I ever heard in my life.
- Settle down.
- JJ, wake up!
When that puck fucking drops,
you go straight north, OK?
Nord, fast.
Fucking wreck 'em all.
Let's fucking get one, boys.
Here we go, boys, here we go!
[WHISTLE]
I fucking warned you
good and early, Apeldoorn,
if you don't behave yourself,
I'm coming.
You're a fucking pussy, Shoresy.
As soon as this puck drops,
I'm coming for your entire
fucking top row.
- Fuck off!
- I'm not kiddin'.
I don't want this drawn on,
I'm gonna cross check you
right in the jibs,
you fucking poor producer.
- Have at it, bud.
- Yeah.
You're gonna have Bauer stamped
on your fucking bicuspids.
Hope you're ready.
[WHISTLE]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[BUZZER]
M V P time, Sanger,
who gets the game stick, buddy,
who gets to get it?
Well, tonight's game stick
goes to Hud--
- Huh?
- Tonight's game stick goes
to Hudson, Quebec's very own,
my dude, JJ Frankie JJ, yes!
[CHEERING]
Congratulations, buddy,
have some fucking diabetes.
- Hey, Jim.
- Yeah.
- Great tilly, Jim.
- Thanks, bro.
- Jim.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Jim.
- Really appreciate that,
Shoresy. Means a lot.
Jims are such fucking beauties.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Aren't they fucking beauties?
They're the best.
Oh, it's a Costco pack. So
Yeah, like, there's beaucoup de sticks.
- Sticks are unbelievable.
- I'm gut-founded, b'ys.
What are ya thinking, Dolo?
Well, there's actually
the perfect amount of sticks.
- Oh, for me too?
- Shut the--
You bet.
- Well, let's fire up a stick.
- Wait, no, hol--
Like, but doesn't that kind of
defeat the purpose of the game stick?
- Settle down.
- It don't have to.
- Then how would it not?
- Because, the winner
of the game stick gets his stick first.
But then everyone gets a game stick.
- Phenomenal.
- Yeah but, like,
we'd still make a little thing of it.
No, right?
Like, you know, first off,
so and so
gets the game stick, and then--
- What do you mean?
- Well, like, first off,
- blank gets the game stick.
- Well, if he wants I suppose.
OK, so, OK, so
the game stick's awarded, OK.
That guy gets his stick first.
Mm-hmm.
And then everyone else gets their stick?
Unbelievable.
- I don't know.
- Maybe ask the Jims.
- That's a good idea.
What do you think, Jim?
- Yeah.
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
I'm actually lactose intolerant,
- but I'll power through it.
- Thanks, Jims.
So, we're all just eating
sticks after Ws?
- 'Till we're stogged, me son.
- Sounds like a great idea.
That's the best fucking idea
I've ever heard in my life.
Here we go.
[POP MUSIC]
It's back-to-backers for the big Quebecker.
Hey, did yous call your parents?
- Fuck.
- Fuck.
[LAUGHTER]
Come on. What, do you want
them to fucking hate ya?
Holy!
Hey Goody, if you're from down south,
is your old man a Leafs fan, or?
- W!
- W.
Hopefully, the Soo were paying attention.
Maybe they'll only pump us 18 next time.
- The Soo are so fucking good.
- Tendy should've had
- a couple of those.
- I know!
- I know!
TENDY: I know.
I'm not playing another game
with Shoresy bitching
to the boys about it.
Us too, Nat.
It's nice to win and everything,
but not with Shoresy at the helm.
Shoresy's not at the helm.
I'm running the ship.
- [SCOFFS]
- On paper.
What the fuck, Sanguinet?
I asked Shoresy to help me ease in.
That's on me.
But this is my show now.
I don't know, Sanger.
It's either me or Shoresy.
Fuck it.
I quit.
Then go, you fucking piece of shit.
Go cry in your car!
I'll find you a fucking ball hockey team
for you to let 20 goals in a
game, you fucking piece of shit!
- You fucking suck!
- This is my show now.
I'll keep Shoresy between the lines.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, it'll be different.
- Are you sure?
- How many times you want him
to fucking say it, Fish?
Are you coming or going, boys?
Let's get another W.
What are you doin' now?
Coulson, you?
- Going to the fucking Coulson.
Let's go, boys.
Fuck me!
What's up?
Call the Coulson,
open up a tab for Sanger.
Open one up at Peppe too,
the boys'll be hungry.
- Where are you going?
- To get us a tender.
[RAP MUSIC]
Aw, the Sudbury Papaya Poodles.
As I live and breathe.
- Yeah, somebody probably already
told you, but we just dusted Timmins.
- Nope.
- Yeah, the Sudbury Bulldogs
- just dusted Timmers.
- I don't care.
- Got a dip?
- You guys like paninis?
- Oh yeah, the boys love panini.
- Paninis are unbelievable.
- Alright, menu's on the wall.
- That's a lot of paninis.
They got a ton of paninis here.
Good cuisine.
Do you have any chicken fingers?
- Like, for your little brother?
- No.
- We don't have chicken fingers.
- Chicken tenders?
- Goody loves chicken.
- No!
- Chicken strips?
- Look, if you want pub food,
you go around the corner to the
Dog House, best wings in town.
- They got popcorn chicken?
- Who is this kid?
How's the Pitter-Patter panini, b'ys?
I'd have one every day of
the week if the price was right.
Fuck you, Shoresy.
- Five Pitter-Patters for the
Sudbury Cantaloupe Cockapoos.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Jesus, where ya' longs to?
- Who is that?
Who?
By's, who knit her?
You like chicken brochette?
Sanger, Shoresy, Goody, Dolo and Hitch.
And it's kind of funny with Hitch,
'cause his full name is Ted Hitchcock.
But if you say it real fast,
it sounds like ten-inch cock.
Yeah. And this is Pam.
- Huh. Laurence Leboeuf?
Fuckin' A.
Pam, can you fix me a Martoonie please?
- Put your jibs in.
Have some fuckin' self-respect.
Laurence Leboeuf is here.
Hey, don't you think Frankie
looks like Yukon Cornelius?
Really?
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
Really?
- Yeah, I know.
- Mm-hmm. That's good you know.
That's like, Frankie never
forgets a toaster strudel.
Never seen anything like it.
- The pride of Quebec?
- The pride of Quebec!
Well, I hate to be the one
to tell you, but did you know
that the pride of Quebec can
hammer a quatre-vingt-quinze
pack of mini-chocolate bars
in one episode of Cold Water Cowboys?
- Oh, fuck you.
- Hey, you ever seen a grown man
dip pizza bread in Dunk-a-Roos frosting?
Oh, the girls?
Oh, they might.
I prefer women.
You ever had bacon-wrapped water chestnuts?
Mark?
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Michaels?
Nat!
Your front door was open.
Oh yeah, leave it open.
- Why?
- Well, just in case
anyone wants to hang out. I even, I wrote
a little note in the laundry room too,
if anyone wants to hang out,
I got beers and stuff.
- Change your number?
- My phone number?
Your mambo number 5.
I don't have a phone.
You used to have a phone.
- I sold it.
- Why?
What happened to all the money I paid you?
Nat.
- You've ever been in love?
- Oh my God. Michaels!
With a woman, OK?
You spent it all on her?
No. Well, I mean, yeah.
- On what?
- I don't know, like, presents.
Keepsakes.
Student debt.
And then she just left with all of it?
Just answer the question.
Have you ever been in love?
- Goalies are always so weird.
- 'Cause I have.
She didn't love me back. No.
But I'll tell you what she did love.
Giving squeezers off the side of
Party Islands in Wasaga Beach.
- Nat.
- Yup.
What's an aqua dump?
I want you to come back to the team.
What?!
You want me to come back and coach a guy
who gave my sweety a jelly bracelet?
- Um--
- You want me to pretend
it's not a big deal that she
gave him an old-fashioned?!
Her brothers are super weird
but, dude--
No, no, no!
She used to call me dude!
- You've got--
- What's an aqua dump?!
It's taking a dump in a body of water!
So Mercedes gave Sanguinet a hand-made
while Shoresy was taking
a dump in the water? Fuck!
- Your--
- You must think I'm in
Your dick is out!
Oh.
You must think I'm in pretty tough shape
to come back and
even consider coaching the
Didn't you change your name, what are ya?
Furbaby Bulldogs?
- I don't want you to coach.
- Good. 'Cause I ain't.
I want you to play.
Hm.
Well
I'm retired.
Look around, Michaels.
You've got nothing going on.
Nothing going for you.
- Did you know that they used to call me
"Never Misses the Mark Michaels?"
If you wanna get back on your
feet, it starts with the boys.
And a night at the Coulson.
Tip your server.
Well, I do miss those boys.
- And they miss you.
- Uh
Y One would think.
- Same pay?
- No.
Well, then I want an apology from Sanguinet.
- Sure.
- And Shoresy.
Shit.
Man to man.
Why do you care what that mutant thinks?
'Cause I run the show,
you fucking idiot.
Get in the box, you fucking loser.
Are you fucking serious, Shoresy?
Settle down, Cory,
you'll pop a neck zit.
- What a joke.
- What a joke, eh?
Says the guy sitting in the box
taking his bucket off
every ten seconds to whip
his hair around for his broad.
Hey, Liam, who am I?
Oh, man, my hair's in my eyes again.
I hate when this happens.
Better take my fucking bucket
off again, it's so annoying.
- I posted your buddy Dolo's fight
and you didn't even say thanks.
- Posted it where?
- Community bulletin board,
you dumb fuck,
go run and check it.
YouTube.
It's almost at 10k views.
CORY: You're an idiot
for not monetizing that.
SHORESY: Shut up, Cory,
you fucking nerd.
CORY: Shoresy, if they snipe on this PP,
I'm firing a clappy at your head.
SHORESY: The clappy you fire off
the glass 40 times in warm up, Cory?
You got the scouts just buzzing
with that muffin.
They're calling you fucking
Kyle Connor McDavid Pastrnak.
CORY: Fuck you, Shoresy.
SHORESY: Calling you fucking Scott Stevens Stamkos.
CORY: Fuck off.
SHORESY: Fucking Bobby Ryan Nugent-Hopkins.
Hey, you got a dip?
- Season ticket holders?
Refunds?
- Tell them to fuck off!
- Shh!
- They don't want them anymore.
- What do they want?
Making sure they still have their seats.
- Fuck off!
- Shh!
Bums in seats?
We'll be in at least the dozens.
Nice work, sluts.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]