Sick Note (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Janina Kolkiewicz
[80s-style electronic music.]
[Becca.]
Are you OK? Daniel? [she sighs.]
Concentrate! Who are you texting? Uh, it's Jacqueline.
Ash's mum.
I'm just seeing if she's OK.
Oh, can we just stop in here? I need to get a a Lucozade.
[phone rings.]
0207 946 0649, the Glennis residence? - Ash is alive.
- Who's this? It's Daniel! Ash is fucking alive! - Who's Ash? - Oh, you must know Ash.
You left him on a road and made it look like he was in a hit-and-run accident.
Ring any fucking bells? He can't be alive.
What's wrong with your phone? Nothing.
I mean, it's on.
- Oh! That's odd.
- What is? There's a picture of your friend and his family on my mobile phone screen.
Oh, no, you haven't - Oh, God, no.
- What? What? - You've got Ash's phone.
- I can't have.
It must have copied a picture over to mine when they were in my pocket together.
That's not how technology works.
I thought I left his phone with him Oh, no, hang on, you're right, it is his.
OK.
Let's think.
If they find your phone, I mean we're fucked.
I'm going to be at the Thames Royal Infirmary in 10 minutes.
Get there as soon as you can.
I'm on my way.
[Dr Glennis.]
I could have sworn it was mine.
Ooh, good Lord.
Are you OK? You've been gone ages.
Oh, yeah, just a bit shook up.
- Where's your drink? - Oh, I drank it in there.
What? You don't believe me? Go Go and ask the guy.
No, no, no, of course I believe you.
Come on, let's go to the hospital.
[80s-style electronic music.]
[slightly discordant music.]
- Who are you here to see? - Ash Matthews.
What's your relationship to Mr.
Matthews? I'm his best friend.
Well, Mr.
Matthews was involved in a hit-and-run.
[she gasps quietly.]
Oh.
A hit-and-run.
Left for dead in the middle of the road, he's lucky to be alive.
So, uh, so, what's what's happening with him now? I'm waiting to talk to him myself.
There are seats over there.
Can't we wait with his family? They're in the relatives' room.
And you two aren't relatives.
- Yeah, but actually - I'm sorry.
This is a police matter.
I guess we wait.
Vanessa's going straight to voicemail.
Can you call Ash's mum? Oh, I don't have her number.
Yes, you do.
You were texting with her before.
Oh, yeah.
I I don't want to bother her.
Give me that, I'll call.
[phone rings.]
[Daniel.]
Speak of the devil! Hi, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline? No [siren blares.]
No, it's Dr Iain Glennis.
How's Ash doing? Well, he's alive, isn't he? You told me he was alive.
- Well, this is the best place for him.
- The hospital? Yes, yes.
I'm in the car park.
OK.
I can do that for you.
OK, bye now.
[disconnect tone.]
Hello? Huh.
Yeah, she wants me to get him some Maltesers for when he wakes up.
- Oh - No, no, I'll go.
You You stay here, in case they come back out here.
OK [ominous music.]
[horn beeps.]
Open the door! - What? - The door! Hang on.
Is it that one? There we go.
Hello! Why is this happening? How could you not know he was alive?! I can't see how it's possible.
- Are you sure they've got the right guy? - Yes, they've got the right guy! His mother, wife and newborn baby are all in there now, praying he's going to make it out alive.
How could you not know? How?! It's like condoms, isn't it? Nothing's 100%.
We need to swap the phones back.
I can't get anywhere near, there's a policeman at the door.
- A policeman? - Yes, they think it's a hit-and-run! Well - I guess our plan worked, didn't it? - Oh, yeah, it worked out great.
Oh, except you left your phone on him.
- You've got to do the swap.
- Me?! I have no business going in there! You're a doctor.
- Find the phone.
- OK, OK.
I just need Please don't slam the door.
[door slams.]
And, Daniel, how has this affected you? You do look good, Kenny.
Nah, I don't.
He just looks like such shit, it makes me look better.
Oh, yeah, yes, no, that's true.
You're absolutely right.
You think I look like shit? No! No, I'm just That No, what happened is, I mis-saw And then, I misspoke.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Whatever.
At least this will go some ways in repairing the vomit video.
Ah, We Cover needs this human-interest shit.
[knock.]
Hey! Ta-da! - What the fuck is that? - It's my Shower Gel Warmer! It smells like a Frenchman's asshole! It is pretty rancid.
Oh, you can smell it too It must be the wool I'm using.
Great work, very creative.
Keep working at it.
Can't wait to see it in action.
Aw Look.
Daniel comes across so well.
You should use him.
Maybe We Cover can run a competition where the winner has their operation performed by Daniel.
That Now, that is a really good idea.
Off you go! Hmm That is a good idea.
That's a fucking terrible idea.
I was just being nice! Not that, you twit! She's right about him, how he comes across.
We should use him.
He's our human interest.
Let's make that little shit the face of We Cover! [discordant music.]
Fuck! - Hey - Oh, hey.
- You OK? - Yeah! Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
[she clears her throat.]
Where are the Maltesers? Oh, they didn't have any.
You were gone for ages.
Yeah, I tried everywhere, couldn't find any.
- Have you seen anyone? - No.
No one.
Nobody else.
Hmm To think I only saw him a couple of days ago.
When did you last see him? Uh Isn't that your doctor? - No.
No, I don't think so.
- No, it is.
Dr Glennis? [Becca.]
Dr Glennis? [distorted echoing.]
his condition, just let me know.
Hello! Sorry, I was miles away.
What are you doing here? Here, um I am You were probably just visiting some of your patients, right? Yes.
Yes.
Yes, that's right.
It's what we do.
Oh, well, our friend, um, Ash Matthews, is in surgery.
- Could you find out how he's doing? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
I can certainly try.
I'll get back to you.
Oh, no, no, he's He's back that way, in the theatre.
Right, yes.
All right.
I'll get to him when I can.
Well, you were going that way anyway.
It really is important we find out how how our friend is doing.
I'll go now, all right? Thank you.
- Excuse me? - Yeah? Haven't we met? [suspenseful music.]
- Have we? Well, I don't - Yes We met this afternoon, your boot wouldn't open.
Oh, of course! Yes.
Yes.
How How could I forget? Wh What are you doing here? Are you visiting a a poorly thief? No.
I'm here on police business.
We've just brought in a hit-and-run case.
Right! Well, good luck with everything.
Thank you.
Ah! I'm sorry, excuse me.
Here we go.
Oh, that's Toilet! Thank you.
[discordant ominous music.]
[surgeon.]
Nurse, clamps, please.
- [nurse.]
Which clamps? Forceps? - [surgeon.]
Yes, please.
I'm sorry.
[indistinct talking.]
- Morning! - Excuse me, who are you? Oh, uh, can I have an update on the patient's condition, please? - He's got a large intracranial bleed.
- Uh-huh.
- Subdural.
- Uh-huh.
But also a comminuted fracture of his humerus, his radius and ulna.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good.
All right.
And how's his arm? I just told you, he suffered fractures to the humerus, radius and ulna.
Good! Yes, I was just - just testing you.
- Right.
The family have asked if I can grab his personal effects, his phone, wallet, phone, etc.
Can you Can you tell me where they are, please? Well, they had to rush him in.
If they're not at ITU, try Anesthesia.
Mm-hm.
- It's - Oh, it's Right.
- Because it used to be - Who are you?! I'm - Nurse! Frame retractor! - Sounds like you're needed.
[suspenseful music.]
Yes [electronic music.]
[thud.]
Argh! N Nurse I'm so sorry! Sir? [he snores softly.]
Daniel.
Becca.
- [Daniel.]
Vanessa.
- [Becca.]
Oh [Daniel groans.]
- What time is it? - It's eight.
I didn't know you were here.
Yeah.
There was a policeman at the door, he wouldn't let us through.
Oh, he is such a nuisance! He wouldn't let me pass without seeing my ID! I nearly caused an accident, and a doctor ended up getting knocked out! - [Daniel.]
Hmm.
- How are you doing? I just keep thinking he won't pull through.
Benny can't grow up without his dad! So right now, Ash is In intensive care.
They've induced a coma.
He's fighting.
But there's a strong chance he could have brain damage.
So, he hasn't said anything? No He hasn't He hasn't said anything because he's in a coma.
Good.
Wait, what do you mean, good? He He's in a fucking coma! [she wails.]
Oh, I mean, you know, like, um You know, he's he's in the best place.
Sorry, sorry, Vanessa, but we're both just very concerned.
I don't know what we're going to do for money, we were living off his salary.
It's not going to come to that.
Let's get you and Benny home.
Daniel! Oh, Jacqueline, I'm I'm so sorry.
What if he doesn't wake up? Oh, he he will! And he's And he's not going to have brain damage.
He's He's going to be fine.
I know it.
[Becca.]
I am so sorry.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry we couldn't get the Maltesers.
That's OK, dear.
Goodbye.
[he sighs.]
Are you OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm just in shock.
- Mm.
- Of course.
Of course, honey.
Maybe we should both get to work.
I'm late, so I can't drop you.
That's fine, I'll make my own way.
OK.
Hello, you're through to 07 700 900 843, the telephone of Dr Iain Glennis.
[he sighs.]
Excuse me.
You haven't heard anything about a doctor here knocking himself out? Yeah! He's in a bed in there, now.
- I hope he's not treating you, mate.
- Oh, brilliant.
[she sighs.]
What the hell are you doing? Just leave! [he shouts.]
You're welcome! [beeping.]
Of course.
[he sighs.]
If you want something done right [fast-paced electronic music.]
Ash? Ash? - Oh, he's still asleep? - Yes.
Quite a knock to the head he took.
Are you his son? No, no, uh, his patient.
Well, then, you should be in that bed and he should be standing where you are.
[she chuckles.]
[she chuckles.]
[whispers.]
Gah! Finally.
[phones ring.]
Oh, here he is! [she chuckles.]
How are you doing? Uh, not great.
I was just at the hospital.
My best friend's in a coma.
Oh, no! I'm sorry.
What happened? Did he try and hang himself? Uh no, no, no.
It was, uh, a road accident.
Oh, sorry.
I was just reading an article about how suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45.
No, no.
This was a hit-and-run.
I don't think he'll pull through.
It's his wife and baby I'm worried about, you know? They don't have any insurance, any savings.
They're screwed.
Oh, that's awful.
Will she have to put the baby up for adoption? No No.
I don't I don't think so.
Daniel? Do you want to come in? They're all waiting for you.
Uh, they? Who Who's they? Daniel, this is We Cover's shit-hot PR, marketing and legal team, and they are very eager to meet you.
You see, We Cover is positioned to be one of the biggest UK healthcare-insurance providers, but one of the biggest isn't good enough.
John Holmes didn't have one of the biggest cocks in porn, he had the biggest cock in porn! Huge.
Imagine walking into any room, knowing that your cock is the biggest cock in the room.
No contest.
It was so big and thick and long.
He used to faint when he got an erection because all the blood would rush Daniel! Um Your role at We Cover is about to change for the better.
Why? Because the general public are a bunch of pussies.
They need to see heroes like you endure suffering so that they're less afraid when it becomes their turn.
Daniel, you're about to become the new face of We Cover.
You're going to be on every leaflet, every advertisement, every looping GIF on the website.
- This isn't something - Have you started treatment? No.
Not - Oh, good! - Yeah, you know That's what I mean, I think I'm going to have to decline.
Bullshit! I pay your fucking wages! Yeah, I I know, and I'm really grateful, but, um no no, this isn't really for me.
[phone rings.]
I I've got to take this.
My friend's in hospital.
Sit the fuck back down! This meeting isn't over! What the fuck? Sorry, Daniel.
[suspenseful music.]
- Ash? - No! It's Iain Glennis.
- It's Dr Iain Glennis.
- What?! Why have you got Ash's phone? I don't know, um I remember I went to theatre.
I got the phone.
I banged my head.
- So, you swapped the phones? - Yes! - I just don't understand how - I swapped them back.
Yeah, uh, wh what? What? Why?! Because I saw you in a hospital bed and I just assumed you hadn't done it! Shit! Just leave it with me.
I'll make sure it's done.
[he sighs.]
[suspenseful music.]
I can't bear to see you like this.
My poor baby.
[she whispers.]
I don't want people to go through your messages while you're out of it, so I'm going to delete them but when you wake up, we'll do plenty more, I promise.
What? [door opens.]
- Oh! Hello! Hi.
- Hello.
I I I just popped in to to see how he's doing.
What are you doing here? Um Well, I I dropped by earlier to see Andy, here - It's Ash.
It's Ash.
- And I accidentally left my phone.
There it is.
Ha! Picked up his by mistake.
[he laughs.]
- Yeah - Confusing.
Phones, they all look the same these days, don't they? [awkward laughter.]
Ah anyway.
Goodbye.
Um, 2-0-1-9.
[phone beeps.]
Hm? 2-0-1-9.
[phone beeps.]
Oh, for fuck's sake! [indistinct chatter.]
[silence.]
[door closes.]
Daniel, uh, I think I may have offended you before, and for that I'm truly sorry.
Look, there's nothing to apologize for.
Well, will you reconsider becoming the new face of We Cover? Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm I'm going to have to say no.
Not even for 30 grand? - Uh, 30? - Mm.
You could buy a new car or build an extension onto your home or help out a comatose friend's family.
Linda told me all about your friend's accident.
It sounds like his family could use some good news.
What do you say? [Daniel.]
So, Becca had ahold of your phone? Didn't she think it was weird yours was there instead of his? Don't worry.
I explained it quite satisfactorily.
We're in the clear.
[he scoffs.]
Are we? Just leave it on my desk.
The tire mark on Mr.
Matthews' arm will be what snares our culprit.
We Cover are going to plaster my cancer treatment all over their website, their TV ads.
- Billboards.
- It'll be fine.
[suspenseful music.]
Now, I've been doing some research and, uh mispronouncing death is, in fact, it's a lot more common than you'd imagine.
Very, very famous case, of course, in Poland.
- Whatever! - Krakow.
[he sighs.]
I just want this to be over.
Wish I was in a fucking coma! Not that cheating asshole who calls himself my best friend.
It's been a rough couple of days but we can sleep easy tonight.
[suspenseful music builds.]
[silence.]
[80s-style electronic music.]
[Becca.]
Are you OK? Daniel? [she sighs.]
Concentrate! Who are you texting? Uh, it's Jacqueline.
Ash's mum.
I'm just seeing if she's OK.
Oh, can we just stop in here? I need to get a a Lucozade.
[phone rings.]
0207 946 0649, the Glennis residence? - Ash is alive.
- Who's this? It's Daniel! Ash is fucking alive! - Who's Ash? - Oh, you must know Ash.
You left him on a road and made it look like he was in a hit-and-run accident.
Ring any fucking bells? He can't be alive.
What's wrong with your phone? Nothing.
I mean, it's on.
- Oh! That's odd.
- What is? There's a picture of your friend and his family on my mobile phone screen.
Oh, no, you haven't - Oh, God, no.
- What? What? - You've got Ash's phone.
- I can't have.
It must have copied a picture over to mine when they were in my pocket together.
That's not how technology works.
I thought I left his phone with him Oh, no, hang on, you're right, it is his.
OK.
Let's think.
If they find your phone, I mean we're fucked.
I'm going to be at the Thames Royal Infirmary in 10 minutes.
Get there as soon as you can.
I'm on my way.
[Dr Glennis.]
I could have sworn it was mine.
Ooh, good Lord.
Are you OK? You've been gone ages.
Oh, yeah, just a bit shook up.
- Where's your drink? - Oh, I drank it in there.
What? You don't believe me? Go Go and ask the guy.
No, no, no, of course I believe you.
Come on, let's go to the hospital.
[80s-style electronic music.]
[slightly discordant music.]
- Who are you here to see? - Ash Matthews.
What's your relationship to Mr.
Matthews? I'm his best friend.
Well, Mr.
Matthews was involved in a hit-and-run.
[she gasps quietly.]
Oh.
A hit-and-run.
Left for dead in the middle of the road, he's lucky to be alive.
So, uh, so, what's what's happening with him now? I'm waiting to talk to him myself.
There are seats over there.
Can't we wait with his family? They're in the relatives' room.
And you two aren't relatives.
- Yeah, but actually - I'm sorry.
This is a police matter.
I guess we wait.
Vanessa's going straight to voicemail.
Can you call Ash's mum? Oh, I don't have her number.
Yes, you do.
You were texting with her before.
Oh, yeah.
I I don't want to bother her.
Give me that, I'll call.
[phone rings.]
[Daniel.]
Speak of the devil! Hi, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline? No [siren blares.]
No, it's Dr Iain Glennis.
How's Ash doing? Well, he's alive, isn't he? You told me he was alive.
- Well, this is the best place for him.
- The hospital? Yes, yes.
I'm in the car park.
OK.
I can do that for you.
OK, bye now.
[disconnect tone.]
Hello? Huh.
Yeah, she wants me to get him some Maltesers for when he wakes up.
- Oh - No, no, I'll go.
You You stay here, in case they come back out here.
OK [ominous music.]
[horn beeps.]
Open the door! - What? - The door! Hang on.
Is it that one? There we go.
Hello! Why is this happening? How could you not know he was alive?! I can't see how it's possible.
- Are you sure they've got the right guy? - Yes, they've got the right guy! His mother, wife and newborn baby are all in there now, praying he's going to make it out alive.
How could you not know? How?! It's like condoms, isn't it? Nothing's 100%.
We need to swap the phones back.
I can't get anywhere near, there's a policeman at the door.
- A policeman? - Yes, they think it's a hit-and-run! Well - I guess our plan worked, didn't it? - Oh, yeah, it worked out great.
Oh, except you left your phone on him.
- You've got to do the swap.
- Me?! I have no business going in there! You're a doctor.
- Find the phone.
- OK, OK.
I just need Please don't slam the door.
[door slams.]
And, Daniel, how has this affected you? You do look good, Kenny.
Nah, I don't.
He just looks like such shit, it makes me look better.
Oh, yeah, yes, no, that's true.
You're absolutely right.
You think I look like shit? No! No, I'm just That No, what happened is, I mis-saw And then, I misspoke.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Whatever.
At least this will go some ways in repairing the vomit video.
Ah, We Cover needs this human-interest shit.
[knock.]
Hey! Ta-da! - What the fuck is that? - It's my Shower Gel Warmer! It smells like a Frenchman's asshole! It is pretty rancid.
Oh, you can smell it too It must be the wool I'm using.
Great work, very creative.
Keep working at it.
Can't wait to see it in action.
Aw Look.
Daniel comes across so well.
You should use him.
Maybe We Cover can run a competition where the winner has their operation performed by Daniel.
That Now, that is a really good idea.
Off you go! Hmm That is a good idea.
That's a fucking terrible idea.
I was just being nice! Not that, you twit! She's right about him, how he comes across.
We should use him.
He's our human interest.
Let's make that little shit the face of We Cover! [discordant music.]
Fuck! - Hey - Oh, hey.
- You OK? - Yeah! Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
[she clears her throat.]
Where are the Maltesers? Oh, they didn't have any.
You were gone for ages.
Yeah, I tried everywhere, couldn't find any.
- Have you seen anyone? - No.
No one.
Nobody else.
Hmm To think I only saw him a couple of days ago.
When did you last see him? Uh Isn't that your doctor? - No.
No, I don't think so.
- No, it is.
Dr Glennis? [Becca.]
Dr Glennis? [distorted echoing.]
his condition, just let me know.
Hello! Sorry, I was miles away.
What are you doing here? Here, um I am You were probably just visiting some of your patients, right? Yes.
Yes.
Yes, that's right.
It's what we do.
Oh, well, our friend, um, Ash Matthews, is in surgery.
- Could you find out how he's doing? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
I can certainly try.
I'll get back to you.
Oh, no, no, he's He's back that way, in the theatre.
Right, yes.
All right.
I'll get to him when I can.
Well, you were going that way anyway.
It really is important we find out how how our friend is doing.
I'll go now, all right? Thank you.
- Excuse me? - Yeah? Haven't we met? [suspenseful music.]
- Have we? Well, I don't - Yes We met this afternoon, your boot wouldn't open.
Oh, of course! Yes.
Yes.
How How could I forget? Wh What are you doing here? Are you visiting a a poorly thief? No.
I'm here on police business.
We've just brought in a hit-and-run case.
Right! Well, good luck with everything.
Thank you.
Ah! I'm sorry, excuse me.
Here we go.
Oh, that's Toilet! Thank you.
[discordant ominous music.]
[surgeon.]
Nurse, clamps, please.
- [nurse.]
Which clamps? Forceps? - [surgeon.]
Yes, please.
I'm sorry.
[indistinct talking.]
- Morning! - Excuse me, who are you? Oh, uh, can I have an update on the patient's condition, please? - He's got a large intracranial bleed.
- Uh-huh.
- Subdural.
- Uh-huh.
But also a comminuted fracture of his humerus, his radius and ulna.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good.
All right.
And how's his arm? I just told you, he suffered fractures to the humerus, radius and ulna.
Good! Yes, I was just - just testing you.
- Right.
The family have asked if I can grab his personal effects, his phone, wallet, phone, etc.
Can you Can you tell me where they are, please? Well, they had to rush him in.
If they're not at ITU, try Anesthesia.
Mm-hm.
- It's - Oh, it's Right.
- Because it used to be - Who are you?! I'm - Nurse! Frame retractor! - Sounds like you're needed.
[suspenseful music.]
Yes [electronic music.]
[thud.]
Argh! N Nurse I'm so sorry! Sir? [he snores softly.]
Daniel.
Becca.
- [Daniel.]
Vanessa.
- [Becca.]
Oh [Daniel groans.]
- What time is it? - It's eight.
I didn't know you were here.
Yeah.
There was a policeman at the door, he wouldn't let us through.
Oh, he is such a nuisance! He wouldn't let me pass without seeing my ID! I nearly caused an accident, and a doctor ended up getting knocked out! - [Daniel.]
Hmm.
- How are you doing? I just keep thinking he won't pull through.
Benny can't grow up without his dad! So right now, Ash is In intensive care.
They've induced a coma.
He's fighting.
But there's a strong chance he could have brain damage.
So, he hasn't said anything? No He hasn't He hasn't said anything because he's in a coma.
Good.
Wait, what do you mean, good? He He's in a fucking coma! [she wails.]
Oh, I mean, you know, like, um You know, he's he's in the best place.
Sorry, sorry, Vanessa, but we're both just very concerned.
I don't know what we're going to do for money, we were living off his salary.
It's not going to come to that.
Let's get you and Benny home.
Daniel! Oh, Jacqueline, I'm I'm so sorry.
What if he doesn't wake up? Oh, he he will! And he's And he's not going to have brain damage.
He's He's going to be fine.
I know it.
[Becca.]
I am so sorry.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry we couldn't get the Maltesers.
That's OK, dear.
Goodbye.
[he sighs.]
Are you OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm just in shock.
- Mm.
- Of course.
Of course, honey.
Maybe we should both get to work.
I'm late, so I can't drop you.
That's fine, I'll make my own way.
OK.
Hello, you're through to 07 700 900 843, the telephone of Dr Iain Glennis.
[he sighs.]
Excuse me.
You haven't heard anything about a doctor here knocking himself out? Yeah! He's in a bed in there, now.
- I hope he's not treating you, mate.
- Oh, brilliant.
[she sighs.]
What the hell are you doing? Just leave! [he shouts.]
You're welcome! [beeping.]
Of course.
[he sighs.]
If you want something done right [fast-paced electronic music.]
Ash? Ash? - Oh, he's still asleep? - Yes.
Quite a knock to the head he took.
Are you his son? No, no, uh, his patient.
Well, then, you should be in that bed and he should be standing where you are.
[she chuckles.]
[she chuckles.]
[whispers.]
Gah! Finally.
[phones ring.]
Oh, here he is! [she chuckles.]
How are you doing? Uh, not great.
I was just at the hospital.
My best friend's in a coma.
Oh, no! I'm sorry.
What happened? Did he try and hang himself? Uh no, no, no.
It was, uh, a road accident.
Oh, sorry.
I was just reading an article about how suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45.
No, no.
This was a hit-and-run.
I don't think he'll pull through.
It's his wife and baby I'm worried about, you know? They don't have any insurance, any savings.
They're screwed.
Oh, that's awful.
Will she have to put the baby up for adoption? No No.
I don't I don't think so.
Daniel? Do you want to come in? They're all waiting for you.
Uh, they? Who Who's they? Daniel, this is We Cover's shit-hot PR, marketing and legal team, and they are very eager to meet you.
You see, We Cover is positioned to be one of the biggest UK healthcare-insurance providers, but one of the biggest isn't good enough.
John Holmes didn't have one of the biggest cocks in porn, he had the biggest cock in porn! Huge.
Imagine walking into any room, knowing that your cock is the biggest cock in the room.
No contest.
It was so big and thick and long.
He used to faint when he got an erection because all the blood would rush Daniel! Um Your role at We Cover is about to change for the better.
Why? Because the general public are a bunch of pussies.
They need to see heroes like you endure suffering so that they're less afraid when it becomes their turn.
Daniel, you're about to become the new face of We Cover.
You're going to be on every leaflet, every advertisement, every looping GIF on the website.
- This isn't something - Have you started treatment? No.
Not - Oh, good! - Yeah, you know That's what I mean, I think I'm going to have to decline.
Bullshit! I pay your fucking wages! Yeah, I I know, and I'm really grateful, but, um no no, this isn't really for me.
[phone rings.]
I I've got to take this.
My friend's in hospital.
Sit the fuck back down! This meeting isn't over! What the fuck? Sorry, Daniel.
[suspenseful music.]
- Ash? - No! It's Iain Glennis.
- It's Dr Iain Glennis.
- What?! Why have you got Ash's phone? I don't know, um I remember I went to theatre.
I got the phone.
I banged my head.
- So, you swapped the phones? - Yes! - I just don't understand how - I swapped them back.
Yeah, uh, wh what? What? Why?! Because I saw you in a hospital bed and I just assumed you hadn't done it! Shit! Just leave it with me.
I'll make sure it's done.
[he sighs.]
[suspenseful music.]
I can't bear to see you like this.
My poor baby.
[she whispers.]
I don't want people to go through your messages while you're out of it, so I'm going to delete them but when you wake up, we'll do plenty more, I promise.
What? [door opens.]
- Oh! Hello! Hi.
- Hello.
I I I just popped in to to see how he's doing.
What are you doing here? Um Well, I I dropped by earlier to see Andy, here - It's Ash.
It's Ash.
- And I accidentally left my phone.
There it is.
Ha! Picked up his by mistake.
[he laughs.]
- Yeah - Confusing.
Phones, they all look the same these days, don't they? [awkward laughter.]
Ah anyway.
Goodbye.
Um, 2-0-1-9.
[phone beeps.]
Hm? 2-0-1-9.
[phone beeps.]
Oh, for fuck's sake! [indistinct chatter.]
[silence.]
[door closes.]
Daniel, uh, I think I may have offended you before, and for that I'm truly sorry.
Look, there's nothing to apologize for.
Well, will you reconsider becoming the new face of We Cover? Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm I'm going to have to say no.
Not even for 30 grand? - Uh, 30? - Mm.
You could buy a new car or build an extension onto your home or help out a comatose friend's family.
Linda told me all about your friend's accident.
It sounds like his family could use some good news.
What do you say? [Daniel.]
So, Becca had ahold of your phone? Didn't she think it was weird yours was there instead of his? Don't worry.
I explained it quite satisfactorily.
We're in the clear.
[he scoffs.]
Are we? Just leave it on my desk.
The tire mark on Mr.
Matthews' arm will be what snares our culprit.
We Cover are going to plaster my cancer treatment all over their website, their TV ads.
- Billboards.
- It'll be fine.
[suspenseful music.]
Now, I've been doing some research and, uh mispronouncing death is, in fact, it's a lot more common than you'd imagine.
Very, very famous case, of course, in Poland.
- Whatever! - Krakow.
[he sighs.]
I just want this to be over.
Wish I was in a fucking coma! Not that cheating asshole who calls himself my best friend.
It's been a rough couple of days but we can sleep easy tonight.
[suspenseful music builds.]
[silence.]
[80s-style electronic music.]