Single Long (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Man, I was an asshole
in high school.
When I was 17, I dated
this girl named Sarah.
This one day,
me and my friends
are driving around
and it finally occurs
to me that I need to
break up with Sarah.
I need to do the right thing
and end it 'cause I know
it's not going anywhere.
So I tell my friend
John who's driving the car,
I say,
"Pull over."
And he pulls over
into this parking lot
and he parks the car,
and I say, "Guys, gimme five
minutes, I got to break up
with my girlfriend."
So I get outta the car,
take out the phone,
walk across
the parking lot,
and she picks up the phone
and immediately
I can hear in her voice
that she knows
what's coming.
And she says,
"Pete, if you're gonna
break up with me,
you can't do it
over the phone."
10 seconds of silence.
She goes, "Okay,
you can break up
with me over the phone."
But my friends,
who are still in the car
and still 17-year-old
high school assholes,
are getting impatient
'cause I'm taking too long.
So they roll down
the windows and blast
music as loud
as they possibly can.
Sarah hears it on my end
of the phone and goes,
"Are you with
your friends?"
And my response was,
"Of course not.
What kind of guy
do you think I am?"
But you get the problem
with that, right?
'Cause I was that kind of guy!
That's exactly what I did.
Yeah, but we were
all that guy at 17.
Think about every fucked-up
24-year-old girl you know.
When she was 17,
she was sweet,
she was innocent,
she was earnest,
she could love.
And then she
met someone like us
and we fucked her over
and we created this
whole generation of
justifiably angry women
who are getting
their revenge.
Like, we created
our own Amandas.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
This is Catherine.
We bonded
in one of those summers
where you have, like,
three weeks together
and it's really intense.
She opens up to me
about how her dad
used to videotape her
in her room when she
was changing.
Thing is, she finds out
when she's 13,
throws his ass in jail,
and now her mom blames her
for the entire thing.
She was super in love
with the guy.
He was super nice
for some reason.
Well, then I try
to make out with her
and I do, decide I don't
like her boobs.
Then I don't call her
for three weeks.
She eventually gives up.
Also, her name's
not Catherine.
I forget her name.
(phone chimes)
Dad:
Isaac, on my way home.
Thought I'd give you a call.
Call me back.
Man:
That's when I know
she's a keeper
she stops fighting, right?
All right, hey,
it's been great.
My time's up.
Tip your bartender
or your waitresses
and don't be
a fucking asshole.
All right?
- Good night.
- (applause)
All right, everybody,
one more time for Ricky Mathews.
Yeah, doing his thing,
talking about stuff.
All right, next comic
coming to the stage,
she might be small,
but she's got a mouth on her.
And you can see her this
Thursday at the Cupcake Cabaret.
Please put your hands
together for Ayla.
(applause)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, guys.
- So this is fun.
- Yeah, your shirt's weird.
- Hey.
- Hey, mister.
I didn't know there were
going to be three of us.
Oh, well, I wasn't sure
you were showing up, so
Place seems a little
expensive for me.
- No, come on. Sit down.
- No? Okay.
- It's gonna be all right?
You promise?
- Yeah, it's fine.
Uh, hi, who are you?
Hey. Dan the man.
You can just call me Dan.
Pete. Nice to meet you.
You know you're horny,
as a girl,
when you put in a tampon
and actually enjoy it.
Like, fuck the regular ones.
Bring on the heavy flow.
Man:
Let me see those tits!
I wanna see if you got
silver dollars on 'em!
What?
Ricky:
It happens.
I mean, just act normal.
Never bat a lash when
the heckler starts
- and shut him down
right away.
- Got it.
The first time
it happened to me,
I freaked.
Like, I just
walked off the stage.
- Are you serious?
- Crying.
Oh, no.
Was anyone there
to see you?
My mother.
First time
she'd ever come out.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, she gave
the guy hell, though.
- Are you serious?
That's awesome.
- She's a tough woman.
Raised me.
So where are you headed?
I realized I'm just
kind of following you.
I'm gonna go home,
take a long shower and cry.
Let me give you a ride.
No, that's fine.
Yeah, it is fine.
So is that a yes?
(laughs)
Sure, that'd be great.
Where's your car?
It's about three
or four blocks that way.
- Oh, thank you.
- Absolutely.
- That's wonderful.
- Are you all set with
everything?
- Need anything else?
- I'm okay.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Thanks.
Okay, so just to get all of
the introductions completed,
Pete, Dan is
a record producer.
Oh, um
how how is that?
You know, it is what it is.
Most music sucks.
Most bands blow.
But it is a pretty sweet gig.
I'm just trying to get paid
to do my shit, you know?
Yeah, I try to get paid
to do my shit, too.
That's crazy.
We're, like, really
similar people.
- Pete is an artist.
- I'm not an artist.
I'm a nerd with a useless
degree in linguistics.
- So what do you do?
- I'm sorry, what?
- What do you do?
- Um, I
tons of stuff.
I guess right now
I'm writing for
a dating website.
Nice.
So a bunch of
desperate, lonely people
looking for a fuck?
Just because you're lonely
doesn't mean you're desperate.
Like, sometimes you just want
to find something real.
- I guess.
- Someone you like.
I heard you can actually
get some pretty good pussy
on those sites, so
Is that right?
Yeah, that's probably
what we're gonna do.
Pretty good pussy.
You make any money
doing that?
Do?
I used to work at a bar.
So I have savings
saved in my saving account.
Kind of sounds like
unemployed to me.
Again, I really would not
say unemployed.
Okay, that's cool.
So I've been wondering.
How do you two
know each other?
(both laugh)
- Us?
- Yeah, you two.
- The two of you.
- Her and I?
- It's a good question.
- I think so.
Dan and I are just friends.
We met through my job.
My company arranged a record
release party downtown
for a band that
he works with.
- And that is
- The simple answer.
- Yeah.
- It couldn't be any simpler.
- I guess that works.
- It's so clear.
Dad:
And these videos
for your website thing,
Isaac, I can see
you're a talented photographer.
That's why I bought you
that camera.
It was a business investment,
my boy.
And now you're using it
to film ugly girls
talking about their periods?
It's not amusing.
It's not amusing.
You've been acting
like a freak in a basement.
If this keeps up,
you're gonna be living
with your mother,
smoking pot all day
and taking pictures
of table legs.
There's nothing appealing
about that life.
If you've got talent,
you're obligated to not
waste it on esoteric,
weird, little obsessions.
This is Eli.
We met at an acting
school when I was 17.
After the first time
we had sex,
I told him that
maybe I was straight.
This is Max.
The reason I told Eli
that I was straight
was because I didn't want to
tell him that my boyfriend Max
was coming to visit me
the next day.
(chuckles)
After Max left, I tried
to sleep with Eli again.
I told him
he was so beautiful
that maybe I wasn't
straight anymore.
(chuckles)
This is my place
right here.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
I have my own room
and everything.
When I'm a grown-up,
I'm gonna have no rooms
in my house.
Just a warehouse.
You are a grown-up.
Oh, yeah.
When did that happen?
Seriously, when the fuck
did that happen to me?
- It creeps up on you.
- Fuck!
You know, I mean,
you're still a kid,
- but you've got a
- I don't know.
I don't know,
a grown deep heart.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. It's just you
- You
- What?
No, you're great.
That's it.
Thanks. Thanks, Ricky.
I appreciate everything.
Yeah, all right.
Come here.
Come here.
Uh, Ayla.
I
I'm smitten by you.
- Hey, pace yourself.
- No, thank you.
- Ease up.
- I am the champ
of drinking.
- Oh, champ of drinking.
- All right, champ,
pass the bottle.
All right, let's see
what you got.
Getting in the ring.
- (Amanda laughs)
- Getting in the ring.
There it is.
Whoa!
That is an intense
burn face.
No, we got it. We got it.
It's under control.
Don't worry
about it, brother.
A great man
once told me or said,
"It's not easy
being the champ."
That's my favorite
Gandhi quote.
What?
Come on.
He might have said it.
You don't know that he didn't.
- Amanda: Fair.
- Pete: He spoke English.
- (laughing)
- Is this it?
- No, no, here.
- Oh.
Okay, who wants to have
one more drink?
- All three of us?
- I've got three beers
in my fridge.
And that means one for you,
and you, and me.
- Hmm?
- Sounds like a plan by me.
- (laughs)
- Here we go.
I'm sorry.
I just
- Ricky.
- I can't keep this in.
- Can I get this out?
- Okay, go ahead.
- I can't hold this in.
- Okay.
And when I'm with you,
I feel like
I have to pretend
everything is fine.
And I feel like
I'm lying to myself.
- And you.
- Ricky.
- Think about
this for a second.
- I'm gonna kill you.
- (horn honking)
- I'm gonna fucking
murder you.
Shut the fuck up!
Can't you see
the blinkers?
Asshole.
Okay.
- My blinkers are on, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
I've got to go, Ricky.
Hey, no,
wait a second.
Hey, kiddo,
forget that.
- I forgot it. It's gone.
- Hey, Thursday night,
Shenanigans,
gonna rock it.
- Totally.
And I'll see you then.
- All right.
- Totally, yeah.
Everything's great.
- All right.
Hey, Ayla.
Can I
give you a hug?
Dad:
I don't like saying
this kind of thing
to you over
the voice mail, son.
I'm afraid
it'll discourage you.
My intention
isn't to discourage you.
I think that,
for whatever reason,
you've become less
interested in the world.
No one is ever gonna
spend their time watching
you eat breakfast.
You're not that special.
Jesus Christ wasn't
that fucking special.
Even he had to say
some interesting stuff.
(exhales)
I hope you'll call me.
I love you, my boy.
I love you.
This is Marie.
I wish I could
tell her now
that she's the only girl
I've ever loved.
I think about her
every day.
And if she'd ever speak
to me again, I'd propose.
Legitimately.
But then I'd have
to explain to her
that when she was
in love with me,
it was just so goddamn
boring all the time.
(music playing)
Did you finally get rid
of that fucking cat?
(laughs)
Why don't you go
get us some beers?
Ooh, with authority.
- Ooh.
- All right.
See you soon, buddy.
You still have
your coat on.
Well, yeah.
I mean, we're outside, right?
- Come on, what do
you want me to do?
- I want you to take it off.
- You want me to
take my coat off?
- Yeah, come here.
Okay. What do I have
to come over here for?
'Cause I'm gonna
take it off for you.
All right,
take the coat off.
Yeah, nice and slow.
- Mm-hmm.
- (laughs)
So slow
taking off your coat.
- Good job.
- Isn't that better?
Yeah, now I don't
have a coat on.
- Nope.
- What now?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Buddy.
- What's the matter?
No, Amanda, come on.
You're not
you're not serious,
are you?
You don't really
want to
I mean, I thought
Hey. I thought
you understood.
I think he's
nervous, baby.
Hey, no,
it's fine.
Look, I want
you here.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I really can't.
(sighs)
If I leave
are you two
just gonna fuck?
And old ghosts ♪
Float with ♪
Things to know ♪
Illinois spares
with tire's tread ♪