Single White Spenny (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

A little history, I was married and it was wedded bliss.
Well, for me anyway.
Angela: You ungrateful bastard! Angela! Spenny: Angela, come on! Not my wrestling magazines! Ugh! Um, everything's fine.
It's just a little thing that goes on in marriages sometimes.
I'm sure your mother and father, they have, uh, disagreements, right? See, the thing about marriage is that, it's the fabric that sort of holds society together.
You take a vow and sometimes things start— (Angela screaming) Not my golf clubs! I was measured for those! Angela: I didn't want to see you cry— Anyway, another thing that's very important is communication, so just excuse me for a minute, I'm gonna go communicate.
Angela!!! Angela: I mean what man pees sitting down??? Spenny: Hey! AHHHHHH! CRASH! You know any good lawyers? ♪ My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an emotionally-stunted manchild.
Incapable of having a functional relationship.
All I really want is to find love.
Is that such a crime? Do you think he might be dead in there? You know what I think? What? We should go out sometime.
My best friend might be decaying in there and you're asking me out right now? Is that a no? Gah, it stinks in here.
That's the smell of a marriage ended after two years.
The odor of shattered dreams, the stench of hopelessness— I get it.
Spenny? Spenny? Spenny: Chelsea! Is that you? Hi! What's goin' on bud? What's going on? What do you mean what's going on?! Nothing's going on, everything's going on! My life is going on! You haven't unpacked.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm getting married! I met a girl on the Internet from Nigeria! And she's, she needs a money order, which I'm gonna send her, and— and apparently she's got to settle her father estate.
Anyways, she loves me and I love her, we're gonna get married and she's worth millions! Millions of dollars! What? It's an Internet scam.
Phil: You're just covering up the pain of being evicted from your marriage for being a love-tard and a man-child.
Who is he? He's your neighbour.
And good, good friend.
Angela was right.
I really am a love-tard.
Spenny.
It'll pass.
You need to get out and re-join the world.
Get involved! You need to find meaning in your life.
I need to find meaning in my life, yeah.
You're right! I need to find meaning in my life! I can't sit around here and die! I'm gonna go right now! Where? Where are you going? I dunno, but I'm late! The last guy that lived here moved away because he couldn't stand me.
Should you share that with people? Meh, what are ya gonna do? ♪ It's like you know the soundtrack of my life.
♪ All our cookies are made with love.
I can't taste the love! I've lost the ability to taste love! The Silverbrow monkey need your support! Save the Silverbrows! The Silverbrows need you.
Imagine being thrown out of your home as if you're worthless, unwanted! Unloved! That is the plight of the poor, isolated Silverbrow monkey.
Tossed into the wastebasket of life.
The pain must be unimaginable.
Thank you, there's a lot more information in the pamphlet.
If you just, if you look, you can join, you can save the Silverbrows! Man: Save the Silverbrows.
Sir! Ma'am, stop, please.
Sir! Please, Silverbrows need you! Stop, please, stop, everyone! Have you not been listening to this woman? Did you not hear what she said? She's trying to save the— What are they? The Silverbrow.
The Silverbrows! They're going to go extinct, people! Have you people no shame? No empathy?! Please! We need you to give, and give generously! Thank you! Thank you.
Oh, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you so much.
You raised more money in five minutes than I raise in a week.
I am a Silverbrow.
Spenny: I think my life up to this point has been a total waste.
I've never saved a single monkey.
What a species-centric jerk I've been.
Mother, we need you.
Can I count on you? I don't care about some dumb monkeys.
Then you know what? You don't care about yourself, or me.
Because we are Silverbrow monkeys, we share the same DNA.
You know what I'm hearing? I'm hearing a cry of help from a man who needs sex.
Sex, is that your answer to everything? I am not talking about regular sex.
After what you've been through, you need someone to knock your socks off.
A real pro.
My neighbour's daughter, Sarah is a terrific little prostitute.
I don't need a prostitute! I need you to help me save the Silverbrows.
Hello, Sarah— Yeah, how's your schedule? Uh huh.
Could you fit Spencer in for a quick poke? That's it! Look, I have a species to save! You know, I have no idea.
Spencer, are you a back door man? Now that I have a Cause, I want to make sure I don't look like one.
I'm pumped.
Let's go save some monkeys.
And even my assistant, Jessica, is jazzed.
I'm being forced to be here.
Call the police.
Silverbrows need the kindness of strangers.
Thank you.
Thanks so much, no really, thanks! Thanks for nothing! Okay, all right! I've seen enough.
Everybody, gather around! Class is about to begin, so pay attention.
Who is this guy? It's okay, it's good, it's good.
A little bit of advice for you, Stu Shut the hell up.
This isn't about you, or me.
If you're too much of a loser to raise money, do you know what happens? The monkeys die, Stu! I've been a member for three years, I'm at gold level.
Who do you think picks up the pamphlets from the printers? When I look at you, know what I see? I see a guy going through the motions of helping to compensate for a crappy personal life.
Okay, we're gonna take five.
Just remember we're all here for a common cause.
And Spenny, I love the passion, but we don't have a lot of members and Stu is very generous with his van.
I'm just trying to save the monkeys, that's all.
Spenny: Okay, my first obstacle.
Stu's massive ignorance.
I want to quit, but Megan? She's keeping me in this.
Megan: Don't give up! You move people! You move me.
I'm falling for your selfless spirit.
Megan— there is no doubt that you're a beautiful woman, but there's only room for the monkeys in my heart right now.
No, you're right.
I should stay focused.
Ugh! Do you wanna stay focused? I need you call national headquarters right now and have them send up a real monkey.
We're moving this fight to the next level.
I'm sorry.
Spenny: Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
Hey, Stu, hear what I did? I got us an actual monkey, now we can start making some real cash.
I think it's a gimmick.
How much money did you raise last week? Oh, yeah, I believe it was twenty bucks.
Well, I'm not in the twenty buck business.
Megan: Spenny! Spenny, we have a problem.
The Mucking Fuffins people filed a complaint about the smell of the monkey.
Our Landlord says we can't keep it here.
We're have to send it back.
Tell them to go screw themselves! Come on everybody, huddle up! There appears to be a problem with the Mucking Fuffins people, so I need one of you to take the monkey home with you.
Stu! Thanks a lot! What a great guy.
Thank you, very nice! I, I never raised my hand.
You raised your eyebrow, in an auction, that's a bid! The monkey goes to Stu! It was your idea to get the monkey, you take it! Like a little jungle smell is gonna make me not want to take that thing home? It'sit's pretty awful.
You know what else is awful? The stench of non-commitment! And that's a smell that you can't wash off.
Spenny: What I'd like to do, is meet my new roommate, Megan.
Right this way.
Megan: Oh, easy, easy, easy.
You're sure you're okay with the smell.
Are you kidding me? I love the smell of the jungle.
Don't bear your teeth, don't make any sudden movements or you'll trigger an aggression display.
What? Ah, ah!!! Ah, ah, it's burning my eyes! It, it's urine is very high in acid from eating it's own feces.
My tongue, can't feel my tongue! You're good, you're good! (monkey screeching) See that's commitment, Stu.
(monkey screeching) Now I know why these things are going extinct.
The natives probably shoot them with their darts after three days of not sleeping.
I can't take this anymore.
(monkey screeching) Hey, Phil! You look like a guy who likes monkeys.
Why don't you come in and meet the monkey? Maybe you can take him for a couple of days.
No, no, no, I don't want to interrupt you saving the planet.
But you always love to come in.
I would, but I'm right in the middle of taping shut all the vents and air ducts into my place.
Stupid monkey.
One of us is going to go extinct tonight if I don't do something.
(monkey screeching) Just take him for a couple of days, please! Okay, Spenny, Spenny.
Remember what I said about needing to find meaning? Just scrap it, okay.
You don't need monkeys, you need people.
Just find someone to get over Angela.
Somebody preferably with, you know, shorter arms.
Spenny: She's right.
Monkey's bad.
Megan good.
Megan very good.
Megan's got shorter arms.
And they're smooth.
I though you said you only had room In your heart for the Silverbrow.
Yes, yes I said that.
Good catch, I did say that.
You know, people that know me really well, uh, they know that I have a very, very large heart.
It's huge, so there's plenty of room for you and the cause.
(phone ringing) Just give me one sec— Jessica! It's the, uh, biology student, that's uh, looking after the Silverbrow.
Oh.
Tell me exactly again how babysitting this thing is part of my job description! She's teaching it, uh, sign language.
Wow.
It's amazing.
Spenny! I don't like how it looks at me and rubs its private parts.
Just, just give me a second.
Go, go, go.
Jessica! Whatever the problem is, deal with it! Ugh, God! Hi.
Sorry about that, so I believe, uh we were about to make out feverishly.
Yes.
(phone ringing) I'm not answering it.
It could be about the Silverbrow, so you should probably Hi, Jessica, thanks for calling me back so soon.
(screeching) It's out of its cage and I can't get it back in.
Am I allowed to hit it? Don't hit the monkey, it's an endangered species.
What's wrong with you? It's pink thing is sticking out and it's making me very uncomfortable.
What, are you teasing it? Yeah, I'm walking around in a feather bra.
Of course I'm not teasing it! I don't know who's brain's smaller, yours or the monkey! Stay there, little monkey Stay, you son of a— Is everything okay? Um, I gotta help this biology student out with, you know, thesis stuff, so I'm gonna have to go.
You're, like, the most selfless person that I've ever met.
I'm glad that you found room in the back of your heart for me.
(screeching) Spenny: What is wrong with you?! You're fed, you're safe, nobody's hunting you.
Shut up!!! No, not you, mom.
Look, I need a favour.
Thanks for coming.
Oh geez, Spenny! What the? You couldn't just shoot it? Just give me something to calm him down.
Please, anything.
All right, all right— Let's see what mama's got here.
Oh no, not givin' those up.
Okay, well, it doesn't look that big.
Okay— Give it half of one of those.
It'll be out like a light.
Thanks, mom.
♪ There you go.
All right, buddy, wake up! We gotta raise some money! (cage rattling) Monkey? Guess it's uh, a great day to save monkeys.
Yeah.
I hope that the monkey wakes up soon.
Its tongue is sticking out of its mouth.
What'd you do to it, Spenny? Nothing.
Stu: You look guilty.
You look guilty! Hey, this thing smells like booze.
Did you and the monkey party last night? Yeah, I took the monkey out clubbing, Stu.
What's the matter with you? Stu: What's this? It smells like the top of a liquor bottle.
Did you give the monkey booze? I had to, it wouldn't stop howling! I have to sleep, I need my eight hours! I thought you were the protector of the Sivlerbrow.
I am, the booze and the pills was a one time thing.
Pills, did you hear that? The son of a bitch drugged it too! Turned him into an addict! I've had about enough out of you! You wanna go? We'll go! Hey, stop it! Stop it! I don't even know who you are anymore! I thought you were the real deal! (crying) ♪ Thank you.
Do you like Chinese food? Ya, you know, sure, my mother's self-centered.
You know, sometimes I think she might be the most self-centered person in the world.
You know, she actually forgot my middle name.
It's unbelievable.
Here ya go.
There's no MSG in that.
You know, I was married, and we weren't compatible.
But you and me, we like the same food, we like to watch the same TV shows.
Let's just take advantage of it.
It's not traditional, but it works.
You know? You don't have a lawyer do you? Spenny: I guess I'm the type of guy who needs to be in love.
I don't care about the fur, the smell, or the brain size.
I just want to be happy.
Angela, I got some fresh fruit and coconut! Where's Angela? You call the monkey Angela? He does.
She's safe and sound at my place, sucking on some lettuce.
What's going on? I heard some stuff through the walls that made me uncomfortable, Spenny.
Maybe you shouldn't be listening through walls, Phil.
There was an awful lot of giggling.
I need to ask you a question and it might make you feel a bit uncomfortable, but I need to know.
Are you having an affair with this monkey? Are you kidding?! Just because we share our feelings and we groom each other, it means we're hopping in the sack together? Come on! Spenny, I wanted you to start over after your marriage fell apart, I did! But to substitute your wife for a monkey, That's not the way to do it! That's not what's happening, Chelsea! I heard you two taking a bath! Forgive us for having fun, Phil.
Spenny, you need to get over the monkey.
I thought you wanted a family and kids! Well, obviously there's going to be some obstacles, but we can adopt.
Spenny, monkey babies don't go to school.
And monkey babies don't give good father's day gifts.
They don't, do they? This isn't gonna work, is it? I think you know what you need to do.
Thanks to our new Corporate sponsor, we can start a new chapter in our project.
(applause) Spenny.
What are you doing here? I believe this belongs to you.
What happened? You ran out of booze for the monkey? Take it easy, Stu, I'm here for forgiveness.
Don't listen to him, he's trying to get back in.
Okay, come on, Stu! Let's hear him out.
It's our way.
I don't blame you if you're angry at me.
I came here talking about monkey this, monkey that, saving the monkeys.
The truth is— My wife kicked me out.
I was alone, devastated.
Saving the monkeys was just a way for me to fill in the void.
I don't care about monkeys.
GASP! I never cared about monkeys! The only thing I really cared about— Was me.
I so scoped you out the minute I saw you.
Get outta here, you big fraud.
Spenny, everyone who is here, is here because they sincerely care about the monkeys.
Right? (clearing throat) Well, if we're being totally honest, I just joined because I wanted to date you.
Stu: Then why don't you just leave with Spenny, the idiot, because the rest of us are committed to the cause.
No way, that's why Bob joined too! For Megan.
She's got a hot set of lady.
What— Okay, all right— Who is here for the monkeys? Be honest.
And who's here just to date Megan? You all joined for me? I would never date any of you.
Stu: What about me? I pick up the pamphlets.
Yeah, you drive a ten year old van, Stu.
Swing and a miss, Stewart.
Oh and you! You ruined my entire organization! Everything I have worked the last four years for is gone thanks to you! I can't believe that I trusted you! But I have a huge heart.
Just stop with the heart.
Well, I think it's clear that we've all learned something very important today.
That each and every person in this room right now— is a love-tard! Okay I don't— I don't really see how that applies to me.
And I think we need to organize.
We need to get together as a group! We need to save the love-tards! And the monkeys? Sure, why not.
Let's go to the bar across the street and have a drink and talk things over.
Okay? Spenny: What have I learned here? That when my next ex-wife throws me out of my next house and my life spirals out of control, and I feel a compulsion to save a species.
I should just take my mother's advice and get a hooker.
And if you pee-pee on me one more time, I swear you're going to end up in a dumpster.
Let's go.
You and me we like the same food.
We like to watch the same TV shows.
I don't care if you see me naked, it doesn't make me crazy.
With Angela, I had to turn the lights out.
I was very self-conscious.
You think we can get your family up here for the high holidays? Is it good? You like it? Yeah.
It's lo mein.
So what about you? I'm sure you've had tons of relationships in the jungle.
That's all I want.
I just want to get married, have kids, Spenny: Have the white picket fence Spenny: Apparently, that's lame these days.