Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
World's Greatest Teacher
Up yours, Friday.
Weekend's here.
Weekend's here! Whoo-hoo! School ends at 3:30, you cretin.
Even on fridays? Up yours, Friday! Whoo-hoo! Up yours, everybody! Wow.
Today just flew by.
Yes, my house is on fire.
354 closure boulevard.
Happy.
Up yours, happy.
Well, you're not the only one who's blue.
Unh! I hate mondays.
I can't believe we're back here.
Could this possibly get more depressing? Thank you, young man.
I just need a moment.
Again? Damn it.
Get a car, Willard.
Oh, my car died.
But luckily, so did my neighbor, So it all worked out.
Yeah.
Well, for him at least.
Bu on the plus side, At least I've got another shot with miracle.
I mean, unless she's hooked up with someone over-- Are those motorcycles? Thanks, guys! See you next burning man.
All right.
So you're not as macho as those guys.
But, you know, some women like a sensitive fella.
Thanks, girls! See you next burning woman.
All right.
So you're not as macho as those girls.
But have any of them had their feet run over by a motorcycle? I'd call you an ambulance, But they don't come for me anymore.
I hate mondays.
Happy Monday, people.
Congratulations are owed To our driver's ed teacher, Mr.
Farber, Who, at the age of 64, Competed in and completed his first triathlon.
Way to go, George.
In sadder news, Our driver's ed teacher, Mr.
Farber, Had a heart attack, drowned, and was run over By 175 bicycles this weekend.
It was a horrible way to go.
Horrible.
Way to go, George.
I think his widow would really want me to have his job As the driver's ed teacher, who gets a free car.
I could have her come back and tell you that herself, But I can't be in the room at the same time as her, Because we look alike and it spooks her.
Nice try.
No.
I'm going to give it to Stuart, Because he doesn't realize it brings in extra income.
But isn't he hearing you say this? Oh, please.
He's so clueless, He probably doesn't even realize That he's talking about him.
Now, first matter of business.
The school board is coming Wednesday To determine whether we qualify As a distinguished school.
A school where teachers are of the highest moral character.
I know I'm late, but I hate this job.
And I had sex with, get this-- 3 women this weekend.
Well, there goes our distinguished school endowment.
Speaking of endowments, I didn't get any complaints About my endowments this weekend.
Well, I got 2 complaints.
But they weren't about size.
They were about speed.
But not number 3.
That was about overall firmness.
Ennis, this is neither the time nor the place.
Got it.
So the first girl's name was faith.
She was the kind of woman whose mouth says no, But whose clubbed foot says, "I can't be that choosy.
" Ennis! This is the same time and same place.
Oh.
I thought that was just something your mouth was saying.
I can't believe this.
We're not even gonna try To become a distinguished school? Where's our school spirit? I mean, when did it become cool Not to care about teaching at knob haven high? February 3, 1979.
When then-principal Floyd pink Picked up a record album After he noticed it's similarity With his own name.
People, stop! I just purchased a vinyl album At a record store because there was no way to get it for free.
Let's listen to it on my enormous non-portable stereo console.
Nah, the hell with it.
I'll just paraphrase the lyrics.
"hey, teachers.
Leave those kids alone".
One day, miracle, Teachers will care again.
I know it.
Well, I think it's time For a hero to step forward And have the guts to care again.
And when that person does, I'll devote my life to thanking that hero In any way that hero could think of.
Be it carnal, be it manual, Be it oral, be it annual-- Ok.
You're gonna call me a hero for this, But I think it's time to care again.
Sue, I would like to make a presentation to the board About how what we do really matters.
We're teachers.
The point isn't just to kill time Until we get out of here at 3:00.
3:30! No, but I meant on fridays.
Hey, teachers, let's not leave those kids alone.
Well, I think that's great, Larry.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
So hopefully it will inspire one you To be a hero, too.
Same prize.
I'm in.
Me, too.
I'll go half in.
Oh, what the hell.
I'll take the other half on that.
As for me, well, I'm not super horny right now, But pencil me in.
In the meantime, I've got some students to inspire.
The first woman I made sweet, sweet sex at was faith Gomez.
I met faith in the frozen food aisle, Where her lasagna for one let me know She was crying out for my touch.
The lasagna wasn't bad, either.
When I was taking out the trash, I see my neighbor, Destiny insky, flashing her glorious breasts at me.
I made mad, crazy, passionate, super-quick love to her.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? It's her sister.
Is this a question about my super-sexy, quick, Only-one-complained-about firmness story? Aahh! I'm getting cumbent for this.
I had the greatest sexual weekend of my life, And nobody here cares.
Well, I'm gonna make you care.
Helen, I'm making a speech To get our school considered distinguished And look like a hero to miracle, And I need a book on tips for writing a rousing heroic speech That'll drive women wild.
Well, first of all, quiet down! And secondly, thanks to you, We don't have any books like that.
Thanks to me? Because of that speech, the school board will be here.
So Sue is having me get rid of any book With anything even slightly salacious in it.
And if you don't know what that means, Well, you can look it up in the dictionary.
I, uh-- where is a dictionary? I had to get rid of it because it had words Like "fellatio" and "evolution" in it.
There was even the word "evollatio", Which is the theory that man invented fellatio.
And boy, I can tell you that one's true.
Hey, happy.
Take books.
Burn like American flag, got it? Yes.
I shall be such a hero.
Who knew being driver's ed teacher Came with such a cool set of wheels? Steering wheels! I'm in America.
I'm in England.
I'm in America.
Care for some fish and chips, mate? They're called fries, tea bag.
Oh, hey.
There's Willard.
Well go on, get him.
Bleedin' yank.
Sorry about that, Willard.
I guess I didn't notice You weren't wearing your car.
Actually, that's kind of why I wanted to teach driver's ed.
See, I--I sort of have a phobia against driving.
And this way, the student would do it for me, And life would be sweet.
When did that start? Well, it was the last time I drove.
Oh, goody! My first flashback.
Oh, sorry.
I was just trying to clear away Some of your blood and skin.
But sure, let's do a flashback.
Well, you're probably too young to remember this, But people used to watch movies Outside in automobiles.
I was engaged in evolution with my girlfriend at the time, And lost control of her car.
She left me.
And boy, did she take a piece of me with her.
Oh, the humanity.
I haven't sat behind the wheel since.
I want you to be the driver's ed teacher And take over this car, Willard.
It's time for me to be a hero, And not just so miracle will thank me Orally, manually, and annually, But because I want to help this half-cocked old man Get over one of his, I'm guessing, two greatest fears.
Oh, miracle.
I'm working on a rousing speech.
Hey, what arouses you more? "it's time to care again", Or "caring again, it's time"? I'm kind of always in a constant state of arousal, So it's hard to tell.
Really? That's--wow.
I'm gonna say 'em both.
All teachers report to my office right now.
Go.
I'll catch up.
It appears that a student took some video in a classroom.
And now, one of our teachers is the rage of the Internet.
I had faith, And faith satisfied me.
But then I saw a flash of destiny.
And let me tell you, when that happens, You need to drop whatever garbage you're carrying-- Please don't fire me.
I'm only 16 years away from tenure.
Get up.
You're not in trouble.
The school board believes That you are, in fact, the world's greatest teacher.
You do understand it's meant sarcastically, right? You see the quotes around "greatest"? Doesn't matter.
"the world's greatest teacher" is the number 2 video, Just ahead of "sneezing panda".
Aww.
And coming in just under "tourists covered th panda snot".
Ahh! Knob haven now has a very real chance Of being deemed distinguished, So the speech to the board will now be made by Ennis instead of Larry.
Yay for Ennis! Isn't that great, Larry? You don't have to try toe a hero anymore.
Ennis really is one.
I couldn't have done this without you guys.
That's a lie.
I did this all by myself.
- Ennis! Ennis! Ennis! - This is great.
I hate tuesdays.
Ok, people.
We have only one day to create the illusion That this is a distinguished school.
I want all anti-drug posters updated.
This is still pretty relevant.
Miracle, cover your midriff.
No, no, no.
We were better before.
Andrew, I want you to use your drama skills To get Ennis ready for the big stage.
He needs to make a great impression in front of the board.
By the time I'm through with him, He'll be a regular female supergirl-man.
Hop, skip, and away.
Well, what about me, Sue? I want to be a hero, too.
I want to help.
We need you as far away from here as possible.
Yes, Sue.
And then, when the school board Says, "there must be more than one teacher "who's qualified around here", Then I-- go a little farther away.
Well, they don't want me around, But I'm gonna turn lemons into lemonade.
So let's go pick up mother at the Indian casino.
I'll start us off.
No! You drive.
I'm just gonna clean some of thisLemonade.
Now, since there are men and women on the school board, Your goal is to speak in a way that turns on both sexes.
Let's begin with a simple hello.
Hello.
Too gay.
Hello.
Too straight.
Really? Too gay.
I'm-- too gay.
Sorry-- T.
S.
But-- mm.
I-- hetero.
Can't-- Homo.
Do-- hmm.
This.
I just can't do this.
And yet, you just did.
Too gay? Too straight.
Oh, I thought it was too gay.
No, it was too straight.
Yeah, yeah, ok.
Mm-hmm.
Helen, I'd like to congratulate you On getting rid of all the banned books.
Thank you.
But I can't.
What is this? Right here under lady chatterley's lover? School board considers desk balancing an act of witchcraft.
Get these out of here! I am the hero who saved these books.
That's got to get me a manual from miracle.
Happy, open up! Make Sue feel like such a big-shot, yelling at me? Well, I'm gonna yell at happy.
Of course, Then happy will yell at someone beneath him.
If there is such a thing.
There is.
And happy's behind you.
Happy.
You kept the books.
You've reminded me of my own love of books.
And not just the dirty stuff like how to balance a desk.
This forbidden library shall remain Our filthy secret oasis forever! I will agree with this small, stick-like man Until I sell them on ebay.
Ok, people.
There is a noticeable lack of inspiration here today.
So I guess I'll be the hero.
Come on, gather 'round.
I was thinking this morning that life is like an orange.
I want you to imagine this basketball is an orange, ok? It doesn't just give you its juice, gang.
You gotta squeeze it.
Oh, look at that.
A big glass of basketball juice.
Smells like dreams.
So when you finally see it, you go for it.
Be a hero and aim for your dreams.
Huh! Mine is 3 feet from that hoop.
Where's yours? Ok, can you make sure everyone in America sees that, like, in an hour? Hey, you want something spread virally? I'm your man.
Well, you should be careful how you say that, because-- Willard, pick up wingding from the vet tomorrow.
And make sure they have her diabetes medicine.
Yes, mother.
Willard, you're driving too fast.
You're driving too fast.
When are you going To find a nice girl? Not like that hindenburg disaster.
I loved Nancy, mother.
She was a whore.
Make a left.
Make a left.
She was a whore.
I think you're gonna love what I did With Ennis' speech.
Action! Please welcome the world's greatest teacher, Ennis Hofftard.
Yes! I did it! I'm the real hero here.
Miracle is mine.
That's it? Why is he naked? I think he just got my "how to stay calm "in front of an audience" advice completely backwards.
You're fired.
You're off the project.
So.
I suppose you expect me To say something melodramatic And then walk away in a huff.
Well, I would rather die first.
Zip? Oh, sure.
You'll have to do this yourself.
Just remember this is the most important day In the school's history.
And it's all on you.
Nod.
Don't let on how much you hate pressure.
Think aboutCats.
Huh.
Hey there, fella.
What's your name? Mittens.
I'm gonna call you mittens.
Shut up and listen to me, man.
She'll cut your jigglys off, man.
She'll cut your [bleep.]
jigglys off.
We can win the award.
Wait, she's still there.
Lick your business.
Lick your business.
Well, I'll leave you to your business.
Congrats.
Your video passed Ennis' on Youtube.
It did? How did it get so many hits? Well, I did the editing.
And as anyone in Hollywood, or culver city, Or Korea, or glendale will tell you, The mark of any good production is how well it's edit-- --Miracle, can you believe it? More hits than Ennis.
Play it, Stuart.
Life is like an orange.
It doesn't just give you its juice, gang.
You gotta squeeze it.
ha ha.
Squeeze it like a hero.
Oh, look at that.
A big glass of-- Ha ha ha! smells like dreams.
But you need to concentrate-- And visualize those dreams.
Ha ha ha! So when you finally see it, You go for it.
Oh, fox.
You know what, Larry? A true gentleman Doesn't produce those kinds of noises And then post it on the Internet.
There's only one hero in this school, And it's the man in that hallway trying to reach his-- Well, licking his business.
What the hell was that all about? You said you wanted every kid in America to see this.
And for me to add whoopee-cushion noises.
No, I didn't.
Not the second part.
Well, my friend, you don't get one without the other.
What is this? Great.
Now miracle's gonna run right into Ennis' arms, And there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Larry! You gotta help me.
Maybe if you pushed up against a wall And brought your knees to your chest, It would give you better access.
I don't want credit for that, I'm just being a hero.
No.
I mean, I'm not the world's greatest teacher.
If I do that speech on my own, I'll be exposed as a phony.
I need a friend I can trust right now.
Don't worry, pal.
I'll help you, all right.
Get the he in here, buddy.
Hey, I was just thinking, This might be your opportunity to sabotage him.
Why would I want to sabotage him? Oh, sorry.
Wrong ear.
Hey, I was just thinking-- I'm on it.
We've been working all night.
Can't I just do the speech That made me so popular on the Internet? No.
You have to tell all the dirty filthies Of your super-sexy weekend.
Now, Ennis.
Let's hear that speech I wrote for you again.
Hi.
I'm Ennis Hofftard sarcastic, the world's greatest-- Uh, you're not supposed to say "sarcastic", You're supposed to be sarcastic.
Won't that seem like I'm saying I'm not the world's greatest teacher? Why don't you put the word "not" in there? Like Wayne's world, garth.
Hi.
I'm Ennis Hofftard sarcastic.
Not the world's greatest teacher.
And I'm gonna tell you about my super-sexy weekend.
Montage begins.
And we went at it Like two people who found each other mildly attractive.
It wasn't about size.
It was a complaint about firmness.
Looked like something that came out of a panda's snout, But lasagna is lasagna, and we went at it.
--Ing is more than just cutting and pasting.
It's knowing where to put the edited piece So as not to interrupt the flow of the sto-- That's my dream.
What's yours? Ok, great.
But I'd miss the shot.
Maybe 2 to 5 feet.
Happy, open up.
Where are you? It's Sue! If she discovers us with these books, I'll be ruined.
Quick, pretend you're assaulting me.
I don't go that way, tiny mister.
Have you tried our drama teacher? Hide the books.
Helen? What are you doing here? Look! It's the super-puritanical head of the school board.
Colonel cliche.
How was your ride over here? Bumpy.
I spilled some of this virgin mt julep On my--what's a southerny word for pants? Make one up, dear.
Carfabuncle.
Well, we have a very special presentation for you.
Hello, peacefully drawn student.
How would you like to do something really cool, Like pick up my mother's parrot at the vet? Put your hands together for the central Florida school board.
I say.
I say.
Larry.
I owe you an apology.
I heard you've been helping Ennis.
That's kind of heroic.
But the truth is You always do the right thing.
Well, we're only, like, 2 or 3 episodes in.
But--yeah.
I gotta go.
Oh, I understand.
You've gotta toot.
Ok.
Uh, change of plans.
You have to do a different speech.
Do this one.
Wait.
What? It was the one I was gonna do to impress Miracle.
I want you to have it instead.
And I don't want you to tell anyone.
Wow.
I'd kiss you, but Stuart was right.
When you use the wall and pull your knees up-- After I get my hep-c shot, You're getting a kiss, mister.
Now it's my privilege to present to you Mr.
Ennis Hofftard sarcastic, The world's greatest teacher.
Not.
I'm here to tell you why k-nob haven Is a disting-u-ished school.
"k" is for the kindness of the teachers.
Aww.
"n" is for-- you got it, man.
You're nailing it.
Hey, what's that round thing in front of you? What's it got, foam on it? I think it's mocking you.
Hit it.
Bat it again.
Bat it with your paw! Willard, go faster.
Go faster.
Faster, you idiot.
Go faster, you idiot.
Watch out for the guy with the walkman! Haul ass! Ohh! Oh! Ohh! It's just taunting you, man.
Jump on it! Oh, man.
This is bad.
You know what to do.
Climb, you business-licker.
Climb! What in hurricane Katrina's going on here? Me--ow! That hurts me.
Ow! Me-ow! This is an outrage! Hello, I'm here to tell you what makes knob haven special.
And who are you? Who am I? I'm a teacher who loves this school.
Listen, listen.
Now, this is important-- Hot colored kids dancing! I know who you are.
You're the gassy teacher.
Actually-- Well, I wouldn't be a Southern cliche If I didn't find that distinguished.
Therefore, I present you with this proclamation Of knob haven's distinguishidishness.
Nothin', I tee up, Nothin' can ever take that away from you.
Get it off me! Get it off! I did it.
I drove.
I'm a hero.
I overcame my greatest fear.
And my second greatest fear.
Where's miracle? This school is a disgrace.
On behalf of the state of Florida, I present you with the jeb bush Official disgrace certificate.
Thank you, Larry.
For what? When everyone thought we won, they cheered.
Every one of us became a hero today.
Because we care.
And that's good enough for me.
So I'm a hero? Let's grab dinner.
And maybe have some fun after.
Heh.
Mwah.
You know what? I think, actually, we're all set.
People care again, mom! I'm over here, miracle.
Destiny?
Weekend's here.
Weekend's here! Whoo-hoo! School ends at 3:30, you cretin.
Even on fridays? Up yours, Friday! Whoo-hoo! Up yours, everybody! Wow.
Today just flew by.
Yes, my house is on fire.
354 closure boulevard.
Happy.
Up yours, happy.
Well, you're not the only one who's blue.
Unh! I hate mondays.
I can't believe we're back here.
Could this possibly get more depressing? Thank you, young man.
I just need a moment.
Again? Damn it.
Get a car, Willard.
Oh, my car died.
But luckily, so did my neighbor, So it all worked out.
Yeah.
Well, for him at least.
Bu on the plus side, At least I've got another shot with miracle.
I mean, unless she's hooked up with someone over-- Are those motorcycles? Thanks, guys! See you next burning man.
All right.
So you're not as macho as those guys.
But, you know, some women like a sensitive fella.
Thanks, girls! See you next burning woman.
All right.
So you're not as macho as those girls.
But have any of them had their feet run over by a motorcycle? I'd call you an ambulance, But they don't come for me anymore.
I hate mondays.
Happy Monday, people.
Congratulations are owed To our driver's ed teacher, Mr.
Farber, Who, at the age of 64, Competed in and completed his first triathlon.
Way to go, George.
In sadder news, Our driver's ed teacher, Mr.
Farber, Had a heart attack, drowned, and was run over By 175 bicycles this weekend.
It was a horrible way to go.
Horrible.
Way to go, George.
I think his widow would really want me to have his job As the driver's ed teacher, who gets a free car.
I could have her come back and tell you that herself, But I can't be in the room at the same time as her, Because we look alike and it spooks her.
Nice try.
No.
I'm going to give it to Stuart, Because he doesn't realize it brings in extra income.
But isn't he hearing you say this? Oh, please.
He's so clueless, He probably doesn't even realize That he's talking about him.
Now, first matter of business.
The school board is coming Wednesday To determine whether we qualify As a distinguished school.
A school where teachers are of the highest moral character.
I know I'm late, but I hate this job.
And I had sex with, get this-- 3 women this weekend.
Well, there goes our distinguished school endowment.
Speaking of endowments, I didn't get any complaints About my endowments this weekend.
Well, I got 2 complaints.
But they weren't about size.
They were about speed.
But not number 3.
That was about overall firmness.
Ennis, this is neither the time nor the place.
Got it.
So the first girl's name was faith.
She was the kind of woman whose mouth says no, But whose clubbed foot says, "I can't be that choosy.
" Ennis! This is the same time and same place.
Oh.
I thought that was just something your mouth was saying.
I can't believe this.
We're not even gonna try To become a distinguished school? Where's our school spirit? I mean, when did it become cool Not to care about teaching at knob haven high? February 3, 1979.
When then-principal Floyd pink Picked up a record album After he noticed it's similarity With his own name.
People, stop! I just purchased a vinyl album At a record store because there was no way to get it for free.
Let's listen to it on my enormous non-portable stereo console.
Nah, the hell with it.
I'll just paraphrase the lyrics.
"hey, teachers.
Leave those kids alone".
One day, miracle, Teachers will care again.
I know it.
Well, I think it's time For a hero to step forward And have the guts to care again.
And when that person does, I'll devote my life to thanking that hero In any way that hero could think of.
Be it carnal, be it manual, Be it oral, be it annual-- Ok.
You're gonna call me a hero for this, But I think it's time to care again.
Sue, I would like to make a presentation to the board About how what we do really matters.
We're teachers.
The point isn't just to kill time Until we get out of here at 3:00.
3:30! No, but I meant on fridays.
Hey, teachers, let's not leave those kids alone.
Well, I think that's great, Larry.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
So hopefully it will inspire one you To be a hero, too.
Same prize.
I'm in.
Me, too.
I'll go half in.
Oh, what the hell.
I'll take the other half on that.
As for me, well, I'm not super horny right now, But pencil me in.
In the meantime, I've got some students to inspire.
The first woman I made sweet, sweet sex at was faith Gomez.
I met faith in the frozen food aisle, Where her lasagna for one let me know She was crying out for my touch.
The lasagna wasn't bad, either.
When I was taking out the trash, I see my neighbor, Destiny insky, flashing her glorious breasts at me.
I made mad, crazy, passionate, super-quick love to her.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? It's her sister.
Is this a question about my super-sexy, quick, Only-one-complained-about firmness story? Aahh! I'm getting cumbent for this.
I had the greatest sexual weekend of my life, And nobody here cares.
Well, I'm gonna make you care.
Helen, I'm making a speech To get our school considered distinguished And look like a hero to miracle, And I need a book on tips for writing a rousing heroic speech That'll drive women wild.
Well, first of all, quiet down! And secondly, thanks to you, We don't have any books like that.
Thanks to me? Because of that speech, the school board will be here.
So Sue is having me get rid of any book With anything even slightly salacious in it.
And if you don't know what that means, Well, you can look it up in the dictionary.
I, uh-- where is a dictionary? I had to get rid of it because it had words Like "fellatio" and "evolution" in it.
There was even the word "evollatio", Which is the theory that man invented fellatio.
And boy, I can tell you that one's true.
Hey, happy.
Take books.
Burn like American flag, got it? Yes.
I shall be such a hero.
Who knew being driver's ed teacher Came with such a cool set of wheels? Steering wheels! I'm in America.
I'm in England.
I'm in America.
Care for some fish and chips, mate? They're called fries, tea bag.
Oh, hey.
There's Willard.
Well go on, get him.
Bleedin' yank.
Sorry about that, Willard.
I guess I didn't notice You weren't wearing your car.
Actually, that's kind of why I wanted to teach driver's ed.
See, I--I sort of have a phobia against driving.
And this way, the student would do it for me, And life would be sweet.
When did that start? Well, it was the last time I drove.
Oh, goody! My first flashback.
Oh, sorry.
I was just trying to clear away Some of your blood and skin.
But sure, let's do a flashback.
Well, you're probably too young to remember this, But people used to watch movies Outside in automobiles.
I was engaged in evolution with my girlfriend at the time, And lost control of her car.
She left me.
And boy, did she take a piece of me with her.
Oh, the humanity.
I haven't sat behind the wheel since.
I want you to be the driver's ed teacher And take over this car, Willard.
It's time for me to be a hero, And not just so miracle will thank me Orally, manually, and annually, But because I want to help this half-cocked old man Get over one of his, I'm guessing, two greatest fears.
Oh, miracle.
I'm working on a rousing speech.
Hey, what arouses you more? "it's time to care again", Or "caring again, it's time"? I'm kind of always in a constant state of arousal, So it's hard to tell.
Really? That's--wow.
I'm gonna say 'em both.
All teachers report to my office right now.
Go.
I'll catch up.
It appears that a student took some video in a classroom.
And now, one of our teachers is the rage of the Internet.
I had faith, And faith satisfied me.
But then I saw a flash of destiny.
And let me tell you, when that happens, You need to drop whatever garbage you're carrying-- Please don't fire me.
I'm only 16 years away from tenure.
Get up.
You're not in trouble.
The school board believes That you are, in fact, the world's greatest teacher.
You do understand it's meant sarcastically, right? You see the quotes around "greatest"? Doesn't matter.
"the world's greatest teacher" is the number 2 video, Just ahead of "sneezing panda".
Aww.
And coming in just under "tourists covered th panda snot".
Ahh! Knob haven now has a very real chance Of being deemed distinguished, So the speech to the board will now be made by Ennis instead of Larry.
Yay for Ennis! Isn't that great, Larry? You don't have to try toe a hero anymore.
Ennis really is one.
I couldn't have done this without you guys.
That's a lie.
I did this all by myself.
- Ennis! Ennis! Ennis! - This is great.
I hate tuesdays.
Ok, people.
We have only one day to create the illusion That this is a distinguished school.
I want all anti-drug posters updated.
This is still pretty relevant.
Miracle, cover your midriff.
No, no, no.
We were better before.
Andrew, I want you to use your drama skills To get Ennis ready for the big stage.
He needs to make a great impression in front of the board.
By the time I'm through with him, He'll be a regular female supergirl-man.
Hop, skip, and away.
Well, what about me, Sue? I want to be a hero, too.
I want to help.
We need you as far away from here as possible.
Yes, Sue.
And then, when the school board Says, "there must be more than one teacher "who's qualified around here", Then I-- go a little farther away.
Well, they don't want me around, But I'm gonna turn lemons into lemonade.
So let's go pick up mother at the Indian casino.
I'll start us off.
No! You drive.
I'm just gonna clean some of thisLemonade.
Now, since there are men and women on the school board, Your goal is to speak in a way that turns on both sexes.
Let's begin with a simple hello.
Hello.
Too gay.
Hello.
Too straight.
Really? Too gay.
I'm-- too gay.
Sorry-- T.
S.
But-- mm.
I-- hetero.
Can't-- Homo.
Do-- hmm.
This.
I just can't do this.
And yet, you just did.
Too gay? Too straight.
Oh, I thought it was too gay.
No, it was too straight.
Yeah, yeah, ok.
Mm-hmm.
Helen, I'd like to congratulate you On getting rid of all the banned books.
Thank you.
But I can't.
What is this? Right here under lady chatterley's lover? School board considers desk balancing an act of witchcraft.
Get these out of here! I am the hero who saved these books.
That's got to get me a manual from miracle.
Happy, open up! Make Sue feel like such a big-shot, yelling at me? Well, I'm gonna yell at happy.
Of course, Then happy will yell at someone beneath him.
If there is such a thing.
There is.
And happy's behind you.
Happy.
You kept the books.
You've reminded me of my own love of books.
And not just the dirty stuff like how to balance a desk.
This forbidden library shall remain Our filthy secret oasis forever! I will agree with this small, stick-like man Until I sell them on ebay.
Ok, people.
There is a noticeable lack of inspiration here today.
So I guess I'll be the hero.
Come on, gather 'round.
I was thinking this morning that life is like an orange.
I want you to imagine this basketball is an orange, ok? It doesn't just give you its juice, gang.
You gotta squeeze it.
Oh, look at that.
A big glass of basketball juice.
Smells like dreams.
So when you finally see it, you go for it.
Be a hero and aim for your dreams.
Huh! Mine is 3 feet from that hoop.
Where's yours? Ok, can you make sure everyone in America sees that, like, in an hour? Hey, you want something spread virally? I'm your man.
Well, you should be careful how you say that, because-- Willard, pick up wingding from the vet tomorrow.
And make sure they have her diabetes medicine.
Yes, mother.
Willard, you're driving too fast.
You're driving too fast.
When are you going To find a nice girl? Not like that hindenburg disaster.
I loved Nancy, mother.
She was a whore.
Make a left.
Make a left.
She was a whore.
I think you're gonna love what I did With Ennis' speech.
Action! Please welcome the world's greatest teacher, Ennis Hofftard.
Yes! I did it! I'm the real hero here.
Miracle is mine.
That's it? Why is he naked? I think he just got my "how to stay calm "in front of an audience" advice completely backwards.
You're fired.
You're off the project.
So.
I suppose you expect me To say something melodramatic And then walk away in a huff.
Well, I would rather die first.
Zip? Oh, sure.
You'll have to do this yourself.
Just remember this is the most important day In the school's history.
And it's all on you.
Nod.
Don't let on how much you hate pressure.
Think aboutCats.
Huh.
Hey there, fella.
What's your name? Mittens.
I'm gonna call you mittens.
Shut up and listen to me, man.
She'll cut your jigglys off, man.
She'll cut your [bleep.]
jigglys off.
We can win the award.
Wait, she's still there.
Lick your business.
Lick your business.
Well, I'll leave you to your business.
Congrats.
Your video passed Ennis' on Youtube.
It did? How did it get so many hits? Well, I did the editing.
And as anyone in Hollywood, or culver city, Or Korea, or glendale will tell you, The mark of any good production is how well it's edit-- --Miracle, can you believe it? More hits than Ennis.
Play it, Stuart.
Life is like an orange.
It doesn't just give you its juice, gang.
You gotta squeeze it.
ha ha.
Squeeze it like a hero.
Oh, look at that.
A big glass of-- Ha ha ha! smells like dreams.
But you need to concentrate-- And visualize those dreams.
Ha ha ha! So when you finally see it, You go for it.
Oh, fox.
You know what, Larry? A true gentleman Doesn't produce those kinds of noises And then post it on the Internet.
There's only one hero in this school, And it's the man in that hallway trying to reach his-- Well, licking his business.
What the hell was that all about? You said you wanted every kid in America to see this.
And for me to add whoopee-cushion noises.
No, I didn't.
Not the second part.
Well, my friend, you don't get one without the other.
What is this? Great.
Now miracle's gonna run right into Ennis' arms, And there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Larry! You gotta help me.
Maybe if you pushed up against a wall And brought your knees to your chest, It would give you better access.
I don't want credit for that, I'm just being a hero.
No.
I mean, I'm not the world's greatest teacher.
If I do that speech on my own, I'll be exposed as a phony.
I need a friend I can trust right now.
Don't worry, pal.
I'll help you, all right.
Get the he in here, buddy.
Hey, I was just thinking, This might be your opportunity to sabotage him.
Why would I want to sabotage him? Oh, sorry.
Wrong ear.
Hey, I was just thinking-- I'm on it.
We've been working all night.
Can't I just do the speech That made me so popular on the Internet? No.
You have to tell all the dirty filthies Of your super-sexy weekend.
Now, Ennis.
Let's hear that speech I wrote for you again.
Hi.
I'm Ennis Hofftard sarcastic, the world's greatest-- Uh, you're not supposed to say "sarcastic", You're supposed to be sarcastic.
Won't that seem like I'm saying I'm not the world's greatest teacher? Why don't you put the word "not" in there? Like Wayne's world, garth.
Hi.
I'm Ennis Hofftard sarcastic.
Not the world's greatest teacher.
And I'm gonna tell you about my super-sexy weekend.
Montage begins.
And we went at it Like two people who found each other mildly attractive.
It wasn't about size.
It was a complaint about firmness.
Looked like something that came out of a panda's snout, But lasagna is lasagna, and we went at it.
--Ing is more than just cutting and pasting.
It's knowing where to put the edited piece So as not to interrupt the flow of the sto-- That's my dream.
What's yours? Ok, great.
But I'd miss the shot.
Maybe 2 to 5 feet.
Happy, open up.
Where are you? It's Sue! If she discovers us with these books, I'll be ruined.
Quick, pretend you're assaulting me.
I don't go that way, tiny mister.
Have you tried our drama teacher? Hide the books.
Helen? What are you doing here? Look! It's the super-puritanical head of the school board.
Colonel cliche.
How was your ride over here? Bumpy.
I spilled some of this virgin mt julep On my--what's a southerny word for pants? Make one up, dear.
Carfabuncle.
Well, we have a very special presentation for you.
Hello, peacefully drawn student.
How would you like to do something really cool, Like pick up my mother's parrot at the vet? Put your hands together for the central Florida school board.
I say.
I say.
Larry.
I owe you an apology.
I heard you've been helping Ennis.
That's kind of heroic.
But the truth is You always do the right thing.
Well, we're only, like, 2 or 3 episodes in.
But--yeah.
I gotta go.
Oh, I understand.
You've gotta toot.
Ok.
Uh, change of plans.
You have to do a different speech.
Do this one.
Wait.
What? It was the one I was gonna do to impress Miracle.
I want you to have it instead.
And I don't want you to tell anyone.
Wow.
I'd kiss you, but Stuart was right.
When you use the wall and pull your knees up-- After I get my hep-c shot, You're getting a kiss, mister.
Now it's my privilege to present to you Mr.
Ennis Hofftard sarcastic, The world's greatest teacher.
Not.
I'm here to tell you why k-nob haven Is a disting-u-ished school.
"k" is for the kindness of the teachers.
Aww.
"n" is for-- you got it, man.
You're nailing it.
Hey, what's that round thing in front of you? What's it got, foam on it? I think it's mocking you.
Hit it.
Bat it again.
Bat it with your paw! Willard, go faster.
Go faster.
Faster, you idiot.
Go faster, you idiot.
Watch out for the guy with the walkman! Haul ass! Ohh! Oh! Ohh! It's just taunting you, man.
Jump on it! Oh, man.
This is bad.
You know what to do.
Climb, you business-licker.
Climb! What in hurricane Katrina's going on here? Me--ow! That hurts me.
Ow! Me-ow! This is an outrage! Hello, I'm here to tell you what makes knob haven special.
And who are you? Who am I? I'm a teacher who loves this school.
Listen, listen.
Now, this is important-- Hot colored kids dancing! I know who you are.
You're the gassy teacher.
Actually-- Well, I wouldn't be a Southern cliche If I didn't find that distinguished.
Therefore, I present you with this proclamation Of knob haven's distinguishidishness.
Nothin', I tee up, Nothin' can ever take that away from you.
Get it off me! Get it off! I did it.
I drove.
I'm a hero.
I overcame my greatest fear.
And my second greatest fear.
Where's miracle? This school is a disgrace.
On behalf of the state of Florida, I present you with the jeb bush Official disgrace certificate.
Thank you, Larry.
For what? When everyone thought we won, they cheered.
Every one of us became a hero today.
Because we care.
And that's good enough for me.
So I'm a hero? Let's grab dinner.
And maybe have some fun after.
Heh.
Mwah.
You know what? I think, actually, we're all set.
People care again, mom! I'm over here, miracle.
Destiny?