Sledge Hammer! s01e03 Episode Script
Witless
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
What? 'Don Philip, your accountant is here.
' Oh.
Send my dear friend in.
Sam Steinway, it's so good to see you.
I love you just like a brother.
Godfather, business is off 70%.
Kill him.
Godfather! I've always been loyaI to you! Show compassion! I will.
After I kill you, I'll send your children through college.
Wait! It isn't my fault! Somebody else one person is to blame for all this.
Inspector Sledge Hammer.
He's single-handedly putting a stop to crime in this city.
I want a contract on this Sledge Hammer's life.
One million dollars on anyone who can lower the hammer on Hammer.
A million dollars? - That's a little high.
- A speciaI.
This week only.
But every hit man in the city will take shots at him.
Hey.
It'll create a sense of competition.
That's healthy.
That's American.
I want this Sledge Hammer, for the rest of his life, to be dead.
Ooh, did I have a dream last night.
It was about you.
There you go.
Ooh! Morning edition is a little thick today, isn't it, Frank? That's cos they've made Now how am I going to put this under my arm? Look at this.
How many sections is this? Listeria.
I wonder if I got that.
- Take it easy, Frankie.
- Have a good day.
- How's the coffee this morning? - Same as usuaI.
Hey, watch your sea legs, mutant.
- Hey, do you know what time it is? - Yeah, it's I gotta start drinking decaf.
I don't believe it.
How did you get here? That's a stupid question.
How did I get here? Will you just tell me? It's basic biology.
My mother and father were in love I'm talking about how you got to the station.
Don't you know? There's a price on your head.
Look at this.
I understand you're a marked man.
There's already been an attempt made on your life.
Ooh.
Colour me frightened.
Did they succeed? Cut the wisecracks.
There's a million dollar price tag on your head.
This is a joke.
The Shriners are probably behind this.
- Shut up, Hammer.
- You've got a very short fuse.
- You go off at the - Hammer, shut up! Hammer! Do something! - Here.
- Get rid of it! - I don't want it! - You take it! - Hammer - Get this - If you just give it to me - Don't throw it to me! Throw it out the window! - If you just give it to me.
- Throw it out the window! - We're gonna die in here, Hammer! - Hold this.
Throw it out the window! Smash it out! Smash it out! Hurry up! Break it! Come on, Hammer! Harder! Break it! Come on, you weakling! Hammer, don't break the window! Don't break the window! Give me that, Doreau! I wonder why that didn't go off.
While you were breaking the window I extinguished the combustible in a liquid compound.
Simply put, I dunked it in the coffee.
A- ha.
- A-ha.
So - Hammer.
So the er Ah.
Well.
It has always been dangerous having you around.
But now this whole town has become a shooting gallery.
I'm sending you out of town untiI this all blows over.
I'm touched.
I had no idea you cared so much about my personaI safety.
I don't.
I care about my safety! Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Actually, I was hoping on taking some rest and relaxation next month.
- Two weeks in Beirut.
- Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! This is ridiculous.
I don't need a police escort.
Captain's orders.
I'm taking you to a moteI where we hide state witnesses.
I don't know what the hurry is.
I barely had time to pack my bazooka.
You haven't said much for the last four hours.
- What's on your mind, Lennie? - A lot.
- How's the wife and kids? - Funny you should bring that up.
It's been reaI tough to make ends meet on my salary.
- You know how hard it is.
- I'll tell you.
- Haven't had a pay hike in two years.
- I hear you.
Dang mortgage.
I'm probably going to lose my house.
- I'm sorry to hear that, Lennie.
- Not as sorry as I am, Hammer.
Oh, Lennie, what are you doing? Oh, no, Lennie, what are you doing? Try and understand, Sledge.
I got twelve kids.
That's a lot of mouths to feed.
I need money to put them through schooI.
When I'm done with the kids, I'm spending what's left on myself.
There's a condo in Florida I want to buy.
I need cable TV.
A new car.
And a vasectomy.
- This may sting.
- It's all right.
I can take it.
Ow! Whoa! That's painfuI.
Why did you believe me? Where am I? Who are you people? Haven't I seen you on oatmeaI boxes? We are simple folk, at peace with the Earth.
Our only needs are to work and to be happy.
Oh.
You're yuppies, right? No, we are not yuppies.
We are Mennonotes.
I be Jacob and this be my daughter Isadora.
Well, I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer, and this be my gun.
We do not appreciate weapons in our house, stranger.
What do you mean you don't appreciate weapons? What are you, commies or something? Perhaps you should take leave.
You be far from the city here.
As a matter of fact, Pops, I'd like to stick around.
I gotta lay low for a while and this is about as low as I can lay.
- Please, Father.
May he stay? - Nein.
- For a time.
- Nein.
It's not good.
It's the builder.
But Father - Oh - Father So be it.
But you must make yourself usefuI and do chores.
Chores? What chores? Milk the cow.
- What? - Milk the cow! What do I know about milking a cow? I'm ready if you are.
Easy.
Easy.
Easy.
All right, little lady.
I want that bucket filled with milk, pronto.
It's all right.
He needed sleep.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but notice the beauty of your form.
- Hi.
- Hmph.
Oh! You wouldn't happen to have a phone around here, huh? A phone? - Dori Doreau here.
- It's me, Hammer.
Sledge! Where are you? Captain Trunk thought the worst happened to you.
- Why did he think the worst? - He said optimism.
All right, listen.
I'm alive and well and living in a Mennonote community.
- Mennonote? - I'm going to stay till things cooI off.
Do you think it's wise calling me here? This phone might be tapped.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
There's no way this line could be tapped.
The wire tap on Doreau's line paid off, Godfather.
Hammer's hiding in a Mennonote community outside town.
That stinking cop is still alive.
He's proved difficult to kill.
Take a couple of my boys and ice Hammer once and for all.
Me? I'm an accountant.
What do I know about killing? You kill people every day.
Bring me back Sledge Hammer's body in a box.
That's an order.
Tell me, Sledge Hammer, what is the big city like? It's difficult to describe really.
But if you ever do get to town, why, let me know, because there is this great topless bar.
I mean, these chicks, unbelievable.
Our worlds are so different.
Why don't you stay here and live? For good.
Me? You must be kidding.
Come on.
No.
You'll find peace here.
Here there is no conflict, no tension, no pain.
Oh, my goodness! Are you all right? I've never been with a man before.
In that way.
Neither have I.
Either I'm deaf or I'm out of bullets.
Isadora, have you seen my overnight bag? I've gotta find it.
Children! Children! What has happened? Get the hell out of here.
You watch your language.
Boy, you've picked a good time to be running on empty.
Let's knock this bozo out.
- Oh, my head! What are you doing? - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! What are you doing? - Ooh! Ow! Ow! - Shut up! Isadora, what is it we seek? Sledge Hammer said he packed some possessions.
Father! I have found it! - My God! - Shut up! Hands up, Hammer! No offence, sir, but you don't look like a hit man.
I'm not.
I'm a certified public accountant.
I've heard of career changes but this takes the cake.
Listen, paI, for a million dollars I'd become a male nurse.
So long, Hammer.
I thought violence was against your way of life.
Hey, this is the '80s.
All right, geek.
Who are you? And who's the tapeworm that put a price on my head? Don Philip Souza.
He offered the money to anyone who brings you to him.
In a box.
Isadora, keep these skunks in a holding pattern.
- Where is it you goeth? - I gotta make a speciaI delivery.
COD.
DOA.
A- OK.
Don't confuse me.
Godfather, this just came for you.
Maybe it's those new cufflinks I just ordered.
Come on.
Open it up.
Ha, ha! Sledge Hammer is dead once and for all.
Oh, yeah? Welcome to my resurrection.
Get him! Arrest those men.
Wow.
A million dollars.
- Bet you're glad no one's collecting it.
- What are you talking about? I delivered myself, didn't I? This money is mine.
I'm gonna put it to good use, too.
You can't keep that money.
We need it for evidence for the triaI.
- I'm not gonna press charges.
- But why? Cos I've settled out of court.
I came back to present you with this token of my gratitude.
It is not necessary.
- Son of a biscuit.
- Father! - I have never seen so much money.
- What will you do with it? Er we will rebuild our farmhouse.
Buy livestock.
Replant our fields.
And then buy something called a Porsche.
Will I ever see you again? Only if you make the Ten Most Wanted list.
Kind of unlikely, right? Go with God, Sledge Hammer.
Obey the penaI codes.
I know what I'm doing.
What? 'Don Philip, your accountant is here.
' Oh.
Send my dear friend in.
Sam Steinway, it's so good to see you.
I love you just like a brother.
Godfather, business is off 70%.
Kill him.
Godfather! I've always been loyaI to you! Show compassion! I will.
After I kill you, I'll send your children through college.
Wait! It isn't my fault! Somebody else one person is to blame for all this.
Inspector Sledge Hammer.
He's single-handedly putting a stop to crime in this city.
I want a contract on this Sledge Hammer's life.
One million dollars on anyone who can lower the hammer on Hammer.
A million dollars? - That's a little high.
- A speciaI.
This week only.
But every hit man in the city will take shots at him.
Hey.
It'll create a sense of competition.
That's healthy.
That's American.
I want this Sledge Hammer, for the rest of his life, to be dead.
Ooh, did I have a dream last night.
It was about you.
There you go.
Ooh! Morning edition is a little thick today, isn't it, Frank? That's cos they've made Now how am I going to put this under my arm? Look at this.
How many sections is this? Listeria.
I wonder if I got that.
- Take it easy, Frankie.
- Have a good day.
- How's the coffee this morning? - Same as usuaI.
Hey, watch your sea legs, mutant.
- Hey, do you know what time it is? - Yeah, it's I gotta start drinking decaf.
I don't believe it.
How did you get here? That's a stupid question.
How did I get here? Will you just tell me? It's basic biology.
My mother and father were in love I'm talking about how you got to the station.
Don't you know? There's a price on your head.
Look at this.
I understand you're a marked man.
There's already been an attempt made on your life.
Ooh.
Colour me frightened.
Did they succeed? Cut the wisecracks.
There's a million dollar price tag on your head.
This is a joke.
The Shriners are probably behind this.
- Shut up, Hammer.
- You've got a very short fuse.
- You go off at the - Hammer, shut up! Hammer! Do something! - Here.
- Get rid of it! - I don't want it! - You take it! - Hammer - Get this - If you just give it to me - Don't throw it to me! Throw it out the window! - If you just give it to me.
- Throw it out the window! - We're gonna die in here, Hammer! - Hold this.
Throw it out the window! Smash it out! Smash it out! Hurry up! Break it! Come on, Hammer! Harder! Break it! Come on, you weakling! Hammer, don't break the window! Don't break the window! Give me that, Doreau! I wonder why that didn't go off.
While you were breaking the window I extinguished the combustible in a liquid compound.
Simply put, I dunked it in the coffee.
A- ha.
- A-ha.
So - Hammer.
So the er Ah.
Well.
It has always been dangerous having you around.
But now this whole town has become a shooting gallery.
I'm sending you out of town untiI this all blows over.
I'm touched.
I had no idea you cared so much about my personaI safety.
I don't.
I care about my safety! Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Actually, I was hoping on taking some rest and relaxation next month.
- Two weeks in Beirut.
- Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! This is ridiculous.
I don't need a police escort.
Captain's orders.
I'm taking you to a moteI where we hide state witnesses.
I don't know what the hurry is.
I barely had time to pack my bazooka.
You haven't said much for the last four hours.
- What's on your mind, Lennie? - A lot.
- How's the wife and kids? - Funny you should bring that up.
It's been reaI tough to make ends meet on my salary.
- You know how hard it is.
- I'll tell you.
- Haven't had a pay hike in two years.
- I hear you.
Dang mortgage.
I'm probably going to lose my house.
- I'm sorry to hear that, Lennie.
- Not as sorry as I am, Hammer.
Oh, Lennie, what are you doing? Oh, no, Lennie, what are you doing? Try and understand, Sledge.
I got twelve kids.
That's a lot of mouths to feed.
I need money to put them through schooI.
When I'm done with the kids, I'm spending what's left on myself.
There's a condo in Florida I want to buy.
I need cable TV.
A new car.
And a vasectomy.
- This may sting.
- It's all right.
I can take it.
Ow! Whoa! That's painfuI.
Why did you believe me? Where am I? Who are you people? Haven't I seen you on oatmeaI boxes? We are simple folk, at peace with the Earth.
Our only needs are to work and to be happy.
Oh.
You're yuppies, right? No, we are not yuppies.
We are Mennonotes.
I be Jacob and this be my daughter Isadora.
Well, I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer, and this be my gun.
We do not appreciate weapons in our house, stranger.
What do you mean you don't appreciate weapons? What are you, commies or something? Perhaps you should take leave.
You be far from the city here.
As a matter of fact, Pops, I'd like to stick around.
I gotta lay low for a while and this is about as low as I can lay.
- Please, Father.
May he stay? - Nein.
- For a time.
- Nein.
It's not good.
It's the builder.
But Father - Oh - Father So be it.
But you must make yourself usefuI and do chores.
Chores? What chores? Milk the cow.
- What? - Milk the cow! What do I know about milking a cow? I'm ready if you are.
Easy.
Easy.
Easy.
All right, little lady.
I want that bucket filled with milk, pronto.
It's all right.
He needed sleep.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but notice the beauty of your form.
- Hi.
- Hmph.
Oh! You wouldn't happen to have a phone around here, huh? A phone? - Dori Doreau here.
- It's me, Hammer.
Sledge! Where are you? Captain Trunk thought the worst happened to you.
- Why did he think the worst? - He said optimism.
All right, listen.
I'm alive and well and living in a Mennonote community.
- Mennonote? - I'm going to stay till things cooI off.
Do you think it's wise calling me here? This phone might be tapped.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
There's no way this line could be tapped.
The wire tap on Doreau's line paid off, Godfather.
Hammer's hiding in a Mennonote community outside town.
That stinking cop is still alive.
He's proved difficult to kill.
Take a couple of my boys and ice Hammer once and for all.
Me? I'm an accountant.
What do I know about killing? You kill people every day.
Bring me back Sledge Hammer's body in a box.
That's an order.
Tell me, Sledge Hammer, what is the big city like? It's difficult to describe really.
But if you ever do get to town, why, let me know, because there is this great topless bar.
I mean, these chicks, unbelievable.
Our worlds are so different.
Why don't you stay here and live? For good.
Me? You must be kidding.
Come on.
No.
You'll find peace here.
Here there is no conflict, no tension, no pain.
Oh, my goodness! Are you all right? I've never been with a man before.
In that way.
Neither have I.
Either I'm deaf or I'm out of bullets.
Isadora, have you seen my overnight bag? I've gotta find it.
Children! Children! What has happened? Get the hell out of here.
You watch your language.
Boy, you've picked a good time to be running on empty.
Let's knock this bozo out.
- Oh, my head! What are you doing? - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! What are you doing? - Ooh! Ow! Ow! - Shut up! Isadora, what is it we seek? Sledge Hammer said he packed some possessions.
Father! I have found it! - My God! - Shut up! Hands up, Hammer! No offence, sir, but you don't look like a hit man.
I'm not.
I'm a certified public accountant.
I've heard of career changes but this takes the cake.
Listen, paI, for a million dollars I'd become a male nurse.
So long, Hammer.
I thought violence was against your way of life.
Hey, this is the '80s.
All right, geek.
Who are you? And who's the tapeworm that put a price on my head? Don Philip Souza.
He offered the money to anyone who brings you to him.
In a box.
Isadora, keep these skunks in a holding pattern.
- Where is it you goeth? - I gotta make a speciaI delivery.
COD.
DOA.
A- OK.
Don't confuse me.
Godfather, this just came for you.
Maybe it's those new cufflinks I just ordered.
Come on.
Open it up.
Ha, ha! Sledge Hammer is dead once and for all.
Oh, yeah? Welcome to my resurrection.
Get him! Arrest those men.
Wow.
A million dollars.
- Bet you're glad no one's collecting it.
- What are you talking about? I delivered myself, didn't I? This money is mine.
I'm gonna put it to good use, too.
You can't keep that money.
We need it for evidence for the triaI.
- I'm not gonna press charges.
- But why? Cos I've settled out of court.
I came back to present you with this token of my gratitude.
It is not necessary.
- Son of a biscuit.
- Father! - I have never seen so much money.
- What will you do with it? Er we will rebuild our farmhouse.
Buy livestock.
Replant our fields.
And then buy something called a Porsche.
Will I ever see you again? Only if you make the Ten Most Wanted list.
Kind of unlikely, right? Go with God, Sledge Hammer.
Obey the penaI codes.