Small Achievable Goals (2025) s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, you wanna do some stuff?
We've got some serious
air miles here.
Bahamas.
Ooh.
Oh my God.
Actually, no, I need
my Good Timez folder.
Somebody in this room is gonna
have a really good old time.
Yes! You like that?
You want some more?
Yeah!
Oh! Ow.
I feel it, I feel it,
I feel it ♪
Back in!
You and your body
Every single portion
Send chills up
and down your spine
Juices flowin'
down your thigh
If you're horny
Let's do it
Ride it,
My pony
My saddle's waitin'
Come and ♪
Hey, mind if I come in?
Okay, most people knock,
but, um-
Can I just park my
kit-and-caboodle right there?
Your what?
Your uh
Well, actually, I don't
have a place to put it
'cause I don't
have an office
and I need my hands free
to touch myself, stuff.
Ooh, I don't think that-
Don't worry.
It doesn't make you feel uncomfortable
because you are
my therapist.
HR, actually.
Well, there's an "H"
and an "R" in therapy,
so basically you
are my therapist.
Anyway, Mo, suddenly
it's like Shazam!
All I can think about is sex.
It's new for me.
I could hump
anything, Mo.
And I mean,
like, anything.
Oh my God, look at
the curve on that
Oh my God,
I'm so horny.
Oh God.
Okay Kris, I'm gonna
have to ask you to go.
I have a lot of work to do.
No!
Please go.
I'm going.
- Just go, please.
Yeah, I'm going.
- Please go.
That's one big ball.
Evan, Kris and I
choose the guests.
Yes, and I let you do
that the first two times,
but the show
needs sex appeal.
It just needs to
be sexier, all right?
You've heard of Dr. Connors?
She writes a syndicated column,
"The Doctor Is Into It."
Oh yeah,
I read that book.
- I really like it.
- Uh-huh.
Uh, Kris?
- Yeah.
Let's put that down.
- Okay.
Dr. Connors' new book
is on The New York Times
Best Seller list.
It is huge that I got her.
She knows everything
about straight people sex.
Everything?
Okay, Evan.
We'll take your guest this time.
See?
It's all I wanted,
just tit for tat.
I like sex.
I like it.
Do I need to throw a
bucket of water on you?
What's going on?
I think a sex episode
has potential
to reach a lot of women.
Oh my gosh, I agree.
Like some women are
losing their mojo
and that is not acceptable.
And I think they would
love some advice
on how to get that back.
Listen, I know women in their
40s who are so wildly horny
they may pass out,
possibly die,
if they are not
penetrated immediately.
I think that they could
use professional help.
These women don't
need professionals.
They just need dating apps.
What?
Here, see this guy here?
So he's like,
"Hey, what's up?"
I'm like,
"Not much. You?"
He's like,
"Going to the gym."
And then I go in with
a lowercase, "wow."
And then what?
Twenty minutes later I'm at
the gym getting it done.
What if you don't
have a gym membership?
I think we all need to
be a little bit more open
about sex, you know?
That's how I am
with my partners.
Partners. Plural?
Yeah, I'm poly.
Oh, wow. I think, you know,
some women are finding it hard
to ramp themselves
up for one person,
let alone a squad.
Oh, yeah, I get that
even with the 'cule'.
The
- Polycule.
Oh.
Yeah, you know, it's the same
ol', same ol', ah, boring.
You know, that's why you gotta
mix things up a little bit,
do something different.
Yeah, you could try rope-play,
role-play.
Ooh, voyeurism.
You're like, who's in there?
Or you can just
go to a sex shop.
Hmm.
Yeah, a sex shop.
Yeah, that's it.
That would be great
research for the episode.
Yup. Yes.
A sex shop.
Oh my God, Julie.
I'm in dong heaven.
- Okay.
I might pass out.
Well why don't you dive
into that dong heaven
and I will research
over here alone.
Okay, I'm blinded.
You blinded me.
Do, do you serve water?
All you and all of me.
This is great.
And I like you and you like me.
Here we go.
You get a dong and you get
a dong and you get a dong.
And you get a dong.
Nice to meet you.
I'm the gold at the
end of a rainbow.
I'm gonna kiss you,
I won't, I won't touch it.
I didn't touch them.
Dong da da dong da
da da da da da dong.
Br-iiiing.
Dongs!
Hi.
Are you looking for lube?
We have a lot of great options.
I'm just browsing.
I do not need lube.
Oh, you really cannot go
wrong with anal beads.
Yes, I'm sure I could.
I can't even get the cord
on my vacuum to retract.
Oh, you'll definitely
need lube for that.
I prefer to browse solo.
Okay.
Oh my gosh.
Sharon, my best friend
from the doctor's office.
Oh, please tell me that
you're not calling
to cancel my appointment.
Not cancelling. Just moving.
Doctor Kent is out of office
for a pharmaceutical luncheon.
How's next Wednesday?
Yeah, I mean, well I,
I guess I don't
really have a choice.
Do I? Do I?
I
Yes, that would be great.
How you like me now, Michael?
Am I suddenly more promotable?
Ooh, look at me, I'm Michael.
I like marketing
and failing upward.
Well, you know what, Michael?
Watch my shatter that glass
ceiling with my lady dick.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
'Cause you know what Michael?
I don't give a fuck.
I got no fucks left to
My fucks are finite.
I have a finite
amount of fucks.
Kris, can I see you in
the change room, please?
Julie?
I need your help.
Hello. Hello.
Absolutely no
judgement at all.
I think you're fine,
but how does that happen?
Okay, well, I-I-I
tried to push it down
and that didn't work
and then I thought well,
maybe if I pull it up.
That really didn't work
and now I'm trapped.
Okay, it's fine.
It's fine.
Why don't you turn around?
You turn around.
Okay, here we go.
I get that.
- Okay.
This is my husband.
He's all right.
You'd hit that?
Is that a trick question,
'cause I'd hit
anything right now.
I could have hit
that last night,
but I didn't,
so that's one F wasted.
I am running out
of sexual road.
My gosh, Julie.
- What?
Is that one of those
symptoms of menopause?
Mm-hmm.
Oh my God.
Kris!
Not now!
Oh my God!
- Just get it off me!
Okay, but this guy
is really relentless!
Okay, focus!
I am focused.
I am really focused.
This is very
hard for me right now
because I'm kind of turned on.
I'm just gonna sit
here for a second.
So your total today is $1,200.
Do you have a,
uh, payment plan?
No.
Good.
What can I get for this?
Oh, also a dime.
Oh my gosh. Good.
Perfect. Discreet.
It's subtle,
vulnerable, like me.
Thank you. Amazing.
Just so you know, we do
have a strict store policy.
You try it, you buy it.
Shiiitt.
Oh my God!
Okay, okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
It'll be fine.
That's a UTI
waiting to happen.
Ugh.
Oh my God.
What are ya doing?
Where, what are you doing?
What do you think?
Are you okay?
Pshht. Am I okay?
Well
I just think that
Could you help me set
up a dating profile?
And by help,
I mean do it for me.
Oh my God, gimme your phone.
Yep, this is what I live for.
Oh, Oliver, hurry up.
Your ride's here.
I can't find my
new shin guards!
Oh, um-
They're in a bag on the table.
You're welcome.
I love you.
We are outta coffee.
I'm gonna run to the store.
You want anything?
Actually, I was thinking
that we could hang out here.
Maybe, um, do some stuff?
Oh yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- Okay.
Come on.
- Oh. Hmm.
Actually.
Oh, what are you doing?
I am exploring
my finite fucks.
I have some plans for you.
Tell me all about them.
Oh, I'm going to
in great detail.
- Oh, I , sorry.
- Oh, no, what?
No, there's something
poking me in the back.
Oh, okay.
- Don't go anywhere.
Oh my God, look.
Oliver's shin guards.
- Oh no.
- What?
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, no!
Oh my God, Pete.
Pete, you have
to get in the car
and you have to go and
get Oliver right now!
What is going on?
There's no time to explain!
I just, I need you to get
that bag back right now,
or we are gonna have to do some
really high-level parenting
in about an hour!
Oh, wow.
I can't believe
you're almost fifty.
You look good for your age.
Well, thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
You know what?
Just, here.
- Like, I'm gonna.
- Oh yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
That's supposed to
be a sexy move.
We're gonna have sex.
To the floor.
- Okay.
There, is that a
splinter in there?
Uh.
You know what?
Save that for later.
Oh, you look like a pirate.
Argh.
That's my hook.
There you go.
Try again.
Oh, you're
heavier than you look.
I think you're supposed
to be around this area
is where you're gonna go.
Whoop, oh no, whoop!
- I'm sorry.
What's going on?
You're like a gargoyle
with better skincare.
Grab it while it's hot.
Grab it while it's hot.
I'm gonna come right into
that meat and two veg.
Get in here.
Okay, count me in Jet Man.
Three, two, one.
Aye aye!
Chips ahoy, mate.
No one wants to fuck
a seagull, buddy.
Please God, not now.
What?
- Nothing.
Let's play a game.
Cover your eyes.
- I love games.
Oh good!
I love games.
And you're great.
Okay, um, I need you to,
you know, get off the bed.
Keep them covered.
No peeking! Okay?
Yeah, and then you,
and then you face the wall.
Go!
Go, that's it, just-
This is hot.
Okay, no peeking, no peeking!
Pilot from the flight deck.
Where are you?
I'm coming to find ya.
Ah!
Did I just slip in?
Yeah.
Okay, uh, so when, uh, two
people love each other
although, yeah, to be honest,
you don't have to be in
love with each other,
it's kind of a
misogynistic construct-
Mom, oh my God.
Good note. Um, okay.
Um, sometimes people
like to try new things
and-and that means toys.
Toys.
- Just a fun little toy.
It's true. Listen to
your mother, alright.
Lots of people
like using toys.
You like using this?!
Sure.
It's no big deal, honestly.
You'll see that one
Oh Lord,
love a duck.
This is the fun little toy?
Why can you just be like
everyone else's parents
and fight all the time?
Hey, listen,
you should be happy
that your mother and I
are having sex, alright?
It is part of a
healthy relationship.
Yeah, yeah, we have a lot of
sexual road left ahead of us.
Yes.
- And you know,
we're gonna drive it hard.
Oh, you know what?
- Somebody kill me.
No, it's fine, it did the
same thing in the shop.
Okay, I can't, is that the
off switch or the speed?
It's the speed,
'cause it still on.
Well, it's hard to see.
Oli, can you get
my reading glasses?
Oh my God, Mom,
you're ruining my life!
Hmm.
Morning, Kris.
Morning!
How was your night?
Uh, yeah, it was um
Well, I guess I can talk to you
'cause you're my therapist, so.
Uh, no, HR.
- Like therapy.
Still HR.
Well
I had my first date,
uh, in eight years.
How'd that go?
He said I was brave
because my teeth overlapped
and then I got my
period out of nowhere.
But it wasn't just any period,
it was like 20 water balloons
bursting all at once.
Except they weren't
filled with water,
they were filled with blood,
but all different
textures of blood.
It was kind of like,
"What's that? Oh my God.
"Is that like a
chicken's liver?
"Or is that just like a skipping
rope and coffee grounds?"
Just like.
And then he slipped in it
and then I cried at the sink.
So how do you think it went?
Sorry.
Hello?
We're gonna need to change
your appointment again.
Dr. Kent is on vacation
for two weeks.
How's two Fridays from now?
Uh, yes, I'm free,
but I.
Have a good day.
So just to circle back:
no second date?
No.
Huh.
Ah, aggressively insensitive,
but no, getting
cancelled is hard, right?
Let's keep it out there for our Ball Pit,
co-host Billy H.
Uh, moving on.
No!
Oh, okay.
So we're not moving on?
Um, we are moving on.
We're moving right along.
And I just would like to say
that I find your passion
for marketing so moving.
Thank you. Um, good.
What happened?
Our main focus today is our
current marketing strategies
and how they meet up with
I had awful sex last night,
just awful.
And then he sent me this.
No!
Stopping you, Evan.
You're a machine.
Great.
Just as I was saying.
What did you do to
that guy's sheets?
Did you ever see the movie,
"There Will Be Blood?"
Yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh!
- Yeah.
Oh God, I'm sorry.
Oh, if it makes you
feel any better,
I had an awful night too.
Not only did my sex toy
not turn me on,
it totally
traumatized my family.
I didn't get any sleep,
I was up all night Googling.
Turns out, you were right.
Low libido is a
symptom of menopause.
It's just, I don't have $400.
There's no way you should
pay for that guy's sheets.
How much did you pay
for your nail set,
your nails, your bikini wax,
your Uber over there?
To be fair, I'm full
old-school down there
and totally proud.
But yeah, between my Spanx,
my k-tape and my
nipple covers,
you know, I think he owes me.
Yes!
Yes.
- So inspiring.
Feeling your work today.
- Our leader. Yeah.
- Yeah!
Evan.
Evan!
You know what?
I've been thinking.
We should just turn around.
I'm gonna write him an email.
We could go grab a donut.
That would be great.
Nope. Nope
- Let's do that, please.
Call him now.
- Please.
No.
- Oh my God.
Get your donuts afterwards.
Call him now.
Oh God.
I don't want to.
Are we gonna do this?
- Yeah, you're gonna do it.
Oh my God. Here we are.
We're doing it. Ah!
- Hello?
- Hello?
Sexier.
Hello.
Hmm, throw it away.
Okay, no, we are
not doing this.
Hi, uh, it's me Kris.
I'm here with the
money for the sheets.
Be right down.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
You got this.
Be cool.
Stay angry.
Get in there.
Actually,
you know what?
He's the one that
got right in here.
Nope, nope, nope, focus.
Except for that one time
when I was like bah-
Focus!
- Focus.
Okay, you know what?
I need you to stay close though.
Stay within touching distance.
We might wanna hold hands.
Hmm, we're not gonna
wanna hold hands.
We might.
- No.
We might.
- No.
Here he comes. Oh my gosh.
Here he comes. Ah.
Hey.
- Hi.
I-I just wanted to say to
you that I don't appreciate
the way that you spoke
to me the other night
saying that I was lucky, uh,
that I could use my forehead
as an extra parking space.
He said that?
Do you know her?
No, I don't.
That is just a woman who speaks too loud.
Listen, I really
appreciate that
somehow you have
managed to have twelve abs
and then you just have
like a really nice package
that I would hop
on my 10 speed
and drive to any city
to pick up that package.
But no, I'm gonna focus.
And that is not
why we are here.
No, uh, you're here to drop off
some sheets or gimme my money?
Asshole.
Asshole. Listen.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Do you have any idea
how vulnerable it is
to put yourself out
there and have sex
when you're my age
and you have no idea
what your body's gonna do?
It's terrifying.
- It is terrifying!
Seriously, who is that?
It doesn't matter.
The point is you're a dick.
I mean, a dick
with a nice dick,
but a dick nonetheless.
And I guess you just don't
see women as real people.
And that's why
you can tell me
that I have "knuckles
like a T-Rex"
and still expect a blowjob.
And I have to learn not to
hate myself that I did it.
Good evening, sir.
Oh.
Yes, yes.
Oh, hey, Kris.
Yeah?
Could I still get
the money or?
I will end you!
- Oh, oh! I'm sor-
You little piece of shit.
You better run!
Hey, um, Sharon?
This is Dr. Kent's office.
Would you mind if we moved your
appointment again to possibly-
Sharon, I love you,
I really do.
But I'm just, I'm learning
how to stick up for myself
and I find it hard to function
when you keep changing
the appointment.
Listen, I need to see a doctor.
So, if you could
just pick a date
and if you could
just stick with it,
I would really appreciate that.
And I still love you
and I love your work.
Understood.
We will make it
work from our end.
Thank you.
Yes! Yes!
I fucking did it.
I did it!
I did it!
You did it!
Oh my God!
Oh your God, I mean-
I love you, Sharon!
Yeah, you told her
you loved her.
I did.
-But you got it.
I did it. Great, great.
- Yeah.
I'm buying you a donut.
But you're terrible at that.
I'm having a little
problem here
and I'm wondering if you
could help me with it.
What?
Well, it seems that all of
my pyjamas are in the wash
and so I'm going to
have to sleep nude.
Oh no.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry, I just,
I think we need to talk.
Shit.
- I know.
No, no, it's fair.
I was hoping to distract you.
Okay, it's like, I just
want to understand,
that's the thing, right?
Because we agreed that
there'd be no more butt-
we agreed there'd
be no more butt stuff.
But then you go and get that
thing and what am I supposed?
Yeah, no, no, I'm good.
- Okay.
I just, lately it feels like
you haven't been that into me.
No, it's not you, babe.
You are kind and sexy.
Come on, you're a smoke show.
Okay, then what is going on?
You know you can talk to
me about anything, right?
Okay. Well.
I am not
getting any younger,
and our sex life has
always been fantastic.
And I worry that
if that changed-
Hey, if this is about
you turning fifty,
nothing about us is ever
gonna change, alright?
I always, always want
to do stuff with you.
As a matter of fact,
that pyjama problem
you were talking about,
why don't I take a look?
Oh yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.
Leave that in.
Leave it in?
- Yeah, I think-
Oh my God, you do
love your toys.
I do. Mm-hmm.
Did you change the
wifi password-
- Oh my God!
- Whoa!
It's 8:30, it should be safe
for me to walk in here!
Ew!
Is it 8:30 already?
Here we go
And all of me
and this is great
And I like you
and you like me
You get a dong ♪
And you get a dong
And you get a dong ♪
And you get a dong ♪
Nice to meet you
I'm like gold at the
end of a rainbow
I'm going to keep
I won't, I won't touch it,
I didn't touch them
Dong de-dong
de-dong de-dong
Briiiiing! ♪
DONGS! ♪
What do you mean? ♪
I don't give a fuck! ♪
Oh my God, Julie ♪
Pew pew pew pew
pew pew pew! ♪
You get a dong ♪
And you get a dong
And you get a dong ♪
And you get a dong ♪
I'm in Dong heaven ♪