SMILF (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
I survived.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
Cut.
Fly in Wardrobe.
Oh, hi.
Hey, uh, you forgot to put these in.
Oh, no, no, no, I didn't forget.
I just didn't think they were important.
Uh, they're important.
Up every day at six Whoo, hot tray, hot tray! Ooh, cold spray! [MAN.]
All right, quiet, everyone.
And cue water.
I'm the cue water? Yes, cue yes, cue the water.
I turn it on? Cue it, yes.
Oh, okay.
Cue water.
Kind of cue it hard.
- P-pull it out hard.
- Oh, pull it out? - Or is it a push? - I don't know.
It's not a push.
[SIGHS.]
Get ready for some Tums.
Shit, that burns my gums.
Ahh.
Throw your head from side to side 'cause, you know, you're-you're remembering the war.
Yeah, no, it's-it's okay if the bathing suit falls down.
Just kind of go with it.
Now kind of o-open your lips a little bit, yeah.
And kind of lick your lips.
Yeah, that's great.
But keep crying, because every day is a living nightmare.
And kind of, you know, whip your hair from side to side.
Shake off that PTSD.
Queen of the house - How was practice today, Ty? - It was good.
Coach have you lined up in the slot again, or will you back out wide? You're gonna have to watch me on Sunday.
FriendOfFatty6969 wants me to finish off this ice cream, and you know how much Mama loves ice cream.
Is it safe to say your move to slot receiver is a new phase of your career? What, you're, like, an expert on slot receiver, huh? Excuse me? No, it's just funny hearing a female talk like that.
I [MOANING.]
Ohh, so good, mm.
Where's the accent from? Australia.
Oh, like that chick from Suicide Squad? What's her name again? Margot Robbie.
[LAUGHS.]
She's almost as tight as you.
You have a good one, all right? Up every day at six And you heard it here first.
Uh, this is Nelson Rose reporting on NECS.
Look at the camera and kind of, you know, get-get mad at the camera.
Like the camera is PTSD and you're gonna give it that "fuck you" look, you know? "I don't need you, PTSD.
" Yes, cut! Whoo! We got it.
Great work.
Thanks for the job opportunity.
Oh, no, thank you.
[SIGHS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
And I was an orphan Till you came along I was an orphan Till you came along Life wasn't so fun In fact, it was wrong But all that's left to do is Hold on [WHISTLING.]
What? Twenty-eight bucks? Man, I took a shower for you guys.
Motherfucker.
[CRUNCHING.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
I do love sushi.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[GEORGE.]
Bridgette, please.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Fuck.
[GEORGE.]
I know you're home.
I just texted you.
Please open the door.
I need the rent.
You know I have keys.
I can open the door myself.
- You can't do that! - [GEORGE.]
See? Bridgette? You can't do that.
Why are you going to lie to me? Please, I just You have to pay the rent, please.
I would let you in, but Larry just fell asleep.
That's okay.
I don't have to come in.
I need the rent.
[SIGHS.]
George It's important, I know.
You wanna get high? Yes, very much.
- Come on.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
- I can't thank you enough.
- No, it's okay.
I keep it around just for guests.
Things have been very different at my house.
My-my father has been very angry, and this morning, I was asleep, and he beat me awake.
What do you mean? - I mean I was sleeping - Yeah.
And then he come in and [GRUNTING.]
he beat me until my eyes open.
- Man - I cannot.
That's such bad news.
Well, it was so good to hang out with you.
Um - Bridgette.
- What? Listen to me, my father is not going to let you live here if you don't pay him rent.
George, but we're smoking buddies.
You can't kick out your smoking buddy.
- It's not because I need it.
- Yeah.
My dad is downstairs.
Your dad is downstairs? He drove me here, and he's waiting in the car.
George, why didn't you tell me that? Because what do you want me to do? I [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Wait.
[Speaking foreign language.]
- Okay.
Bye.
- What'd he say? He said I have to go, okay? Tomorrow, all the rent, please.
- Please.
- [GROANS.]
Fine.
- I'm taking the weed.
- What? No.
No, then take it off the rent.
You gotta take it off the rent.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BEEPING.]
- [NEGATIVE BEEP.]
- Oh! - I'll just do that again.
- [NEGATIVE BEEP.]
Um, actually, you know what? I must've forgot to add money on this month.
- [DRIVER.]
Yeah, sorry.
- [WOMAN.]
Excuse me.
Can I you just Can I, just this one time? I just paid my rent.
Come on.
I'm a single mom.
I am too.
You are? How old's your kid? - Bye.
- Oh, bye? Okay, cool.
Thanks a lot.
Um safe driving out there.
Hope you don't, uh, get in any accidents.
Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Thank you.
Fuck.
I found it.
Yeah, good.
Doc's got me doing these Sudoku things to keep my brain sharp.
Fuck if I could do it before I had the stroke.
I damn sure can't do it now.
- Sorry, Joe.
- [GRUNTS.]
Yeah, Ma keeps that cellar a fucking mess.
Where is she? She's with, uh, Hildie, who's a wreck.
Why? She caught Paul trying to sell himself as a sugar daddy on Craigslist.
Paul is trying to pay girls to hang out with him? I don't know.
He has no money.
Maybe he's paying 'em with sugar or candy or I don't know.
Oh! [GASPS.]
It is in here.
- Look.
- What is it? It's a signed USA Dream jersey by Jennifer Azzi.
Oh, my God, I used to write herthese letters like, asking her how to become a professional basketball player.
So what are you gonna do with it? [SIGHS.]
I have to sell it.
No, don't do that.
Hey, well, there's that temp agency, uh, Career Man, up the street.
I can't work full-time, you know? 'Cause of Larry.
Oh, right.
I could introduce you to Paul.
[CHUCKLES.]
Paul can't afford me.
Hey, he can't afford me.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, you know, don't listen to me.
I-I shit in a bag.
What do I know? [MAN.]
What exactly are you looking for? Anything, really.
You know, it's time for me to get serious, so hopefully this temp thing will turn into full-time.
That sounds great.
I have an opening at ACM Collections in Hingham.
In Hingham? Ooh, that's, like, 16 buses away.
That's okay.
Hours are ten to five, just making calls, really.
$11 an hour.
Oh, um, okay.
Can I bring my son? Uh, no.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Absolutely not.
Uh, moving on, do you have any special skills? Yes.
Basketball.
Or, um, I also, uh, can do homework for rich kids.
[TAPPING.]
You know, I think I might actually have an opening in yep, prostitution.
[TAPPING.]
As in, um, prostitution? It's actually perfect for you.
You make your own hours.
Pay is great.
It's recession-proof.
Hmm.
I don't know, do you have, like, uh, something, like, prostitution adjacent? You get to call the shots, be your own woman and all that good stuff.
There's a risk factor, but some people find that thrilling, and with your history of sexual abuse and food issues, I mean, you really do make the perfect candidate.
I have never told anyone this.
But, Dan, I trust you.
I do have this fantasy of people lining up to worship my pussy.
[REGAL MUSIC.]
You, you're next.
[PEOPLE MURMURING.]
Thank you.
Okay, come on.
[MOANS.]
[SQUEALS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
So here's that contact number for the collections agency.
Oh, uh, okay, great.
Uh, thank you.
I will think about this.
It was my pleasure.
[CHUCKLES.]
I actually have someone coming in right after you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- See you next time.
- All right.
[SOUL MUSIC.]
Yeah, yeah [BRIDGETTE.]
Bend it like that.
Yeah, like half of a heart.
And then this hand.
I love you.
Can I just say, I'm so proud of us.
One big modern family.
You're the glue, babe.
[KIT-KAT.]
And look, I'm just the roommate, but you guys make me feel like I'm Larry's sister, so thank you for including me.
That would make you my daughter.
[LAUGHS.]
- Sure, okay, yeah, role play.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Man, thanks for buying all this food, Nelson.
Of course.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Money be tight, yo.
How long have you guys been roommates? [KIT-KAT.]
Couple of months.
Things got a bit tight, so I had to Airbnb my place.
[BRIDGETTE.]
You Airbnb-ed your place? - Mm-hmm.
- Hey, we should do that.
You can't couch surf with Larry.
Well, it wouldn't be couch surfing if I moved in here with my new mates.
Just kidding.
No one would want my shitty place anyway.
You have a really nice house, Nelson.
[RAFI.]
It is amazing, right? Well, maybe when Rafi gets better, he can move in.
You can't really get better from addiction.
Well, not with that attitude, you can't.
It's just it's not really the way it works.
Bridge, don't be a bitch.
[LAUGHS.]
But he's got so much going on.
I mean, he's got his nut beer.
Yeah, B, and when that blows up, I'm buying you and Larry your own house.
You're such an entrepreneur, baby.
[BRIDGETTE SIGHS.]
Sometimes I feel like I'm dating Jay-Z, which is kind of insane because Beyoncé's all over my vision board.
- Mm-hmm.
- Your vision board? - [NELSON.]
You need one.
- [KIT-KAT.]
Mm-hmm.
[NELSON.]
Everything amazing in my life I manifested through visualization.
- Really? - [KIT-KAT.]
Yeah, she's pretty much a life-size vision board now, so - [NELSON.]
Yeah.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Mm.
Seriously, before I became a part of the creative process, my life was just - [BOTH.]
Bleh.
- It was awful.
I find that hard to believe.
[KIT-KAT.]
Well, uh, believe it.
She was, uh, stuck in Sydney taking tours at the zoo wearing cargo pants and a turtleneck.
[NELSON.]
It was awful.
I ballooned up to 100 pounds.
But seriously, nothing in my life was amazing.
I was so miserable.
I had zero dollars in my account, I mean - Oh, wait, show her the, um - Oh, my God, yes.
- You know, the yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Here, do you have it? - Okay, so this I mean, they got my name wrong, but I got so many Instagram followers from it.
[BRIDGETTE.]
And you think that's from visualization? [NELSON.]
Look, I was turning a negative into a positive.
If you believe there's money, it will come to you.
Really? - Just try it.
- Just try it.
I mean, it's not gonna kill you.
- No.
- Or will it? - [LAUGHTER.]
- No, it definitely won't.
- [KIT-KAT.]
No, it won't.
- [NELSON.]
But really, I mean, you won't have to, you know, depend on Rafi so much.
I mean, it'll be really liberating.
Honestly, I've got ooh.
I know.
You can use the back of this one.
This is from, uh, 2015.
It's actually very, very powerful, this one.
Everything came true.
Obama? Yeah, I envisioned Rafi a little bit too early.
Rafi's Obama.
- [BOTH.]
We know.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
So I can use this? [NELSON.]
You can totally use it.
Use the back, that's I mean, it's double sided for a reason.
I'm gonna need some magazines.
- Oh.
We have abundance.
- Okay.
- And some tape.
- Oh, yeah, yep.
Probably scissors.
I'm gonna need a dream too.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[THUD.]
Ugh.
Can you move over? This is my side.
Come on.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[BRIDGETTE.]
I don't wanna stay at Gigi's, though.
Where should we stay? In here.
That's what I think too.
Would it be okay if we stayed here just for, like, a couple days or a week or a couple weeks? - Of course.
- Six months? Yeah, of course, if you wanna deal with Regina's crazy ass for that long.
I don't really have a choice, you know? We're so broke.
It's broke? Yeah, I gotta sell all my prized possessions.
Why? [ELIZA.]
What possessions do you have? Besides Larry? A Jennifer Azzi jersey.
Oh, no, you're not selling that.
Uh-uh.
- I don't have a choice.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I can loan it to you.
No, I'm not taking your money.
I have the money.
I can definitely loan it to you or give it to you 'cause you can't pay me back.
Here.
[GASPS.]
Where'd you get all that? No, we're not taking her money.
I started an online business.
What kind of shady shit are you up to? It's not shady.
It's actually kind of brilliant.
I'm gonna show you.
This is why you've been acting so weird.
Do you wanna see it? Ouch, ouch.
Mama's making money, honey.
- Whoa, you look beautiful.
- Thank you.
CreamedPants4U, he wants me to get so fat that I can't leave my room.
What are you doing? I'm an eater.
No overhead.
I am the product.
It's, like, the best business model.
I'm making, like, $600, $700 in eight hours.
It's crazy, insane.
- You make that much money - Yes.
To have guys watch you eat? Men pay to watch me eat.
And that's it? Then they jerk off, yes.
- And there's no weird sex stuff? - Hell, no.
I wanna do it.
Can I do it? Uh, well, we gotta find your audience.
People are not gonna wanna pay to watch you eat.
There's plenty of other sexy shit you could be doing to get guys to jerk off.
Like what? Okay, so just bounce but, like, bounce, rotate.
Make it sexy.
I'm trying to pop it.
It won't pop.
I think something is wrong with these balloons.
Just keep bouncing, and make it sexy.
- Okay.
- Don't be so aggressive.
- There you go, yeah.
- How's that? Yeah, that's cute, yeah.
That's gonna pop.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
It won't pop.
- [ELIZA.]
So what? You look hot.
Yeah.
[LARRY.]
It's not popping.
It's not popping.
Wait, I pop it.
It's not popping.
[LAUGHING.]
I know, see? It's too hard.
I don't know.
Mom, it's not popping.
I think I gotta find something else to do.
[DOO-WOP MUSIC.]
Sometimes a man Can think about a woman And suddenly he feels A touch of springtime For when that man Finally finds that woman That man's gonna be a king [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
And sometimes a girl Can think about a boy And suddenly she feels Like she's a woman For when that girl Finally finds that boy That girl's gonna be a queen [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
[SIGHS.]
[RAIN PATTERING.]
Oh, hey, Sasha! I have the I have your money.
Hi.
You weren't expecting a schlub, huh? No, no, you look just like your picture.
Here's the money.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, you're prettier than you know.
What? And I'll give you $300 more to go get a soda.
Hot dog.
Oh, thanks.
I actually don't eat meat.
Oh.
There you go.
Thanks.
So, um, do you live, uh do you live nearby? Uh, yeah, I live in Southie.
Mm.
You go to the Saint Paddy's Day parade? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I went there every year, you know, since college until-until I got married and moved out to the burbs and Well, where do you live now? - It's okay, you don't have to - We live in Canton.
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I went to high school near there.
Oh.
Yeah, I, um I love it over there.
- Those blue hill trails.
- It's gorgeous.
I know, it's You're lucky.
It's the best part of Boston.
Where'd you go to high school? Uh, Milton Hall.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
What? What? That's where my daughter goes.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Hmm.
What year is she? She's a sophomore.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
You have to tell her to take Mr.
Hilgendorf for U.
S.
History next year.
You have to tell her.
Okay.
It'll blow the fuck open her mind.
- Will do.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
He does this thing where he makes you buy a regular, like, public school textbook, and then you take it to the track, and you burn it.
That sounds a little dangerous.
No, it's amazing.
He monitors it.
It's very safe.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, yeah, oh, my God.
And then he only teaches out of A People's History.
Okay, wow.
Yeah.
- Howard Zinn? - Howard Zinn.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Man, that book changed my life.
Amazing, Mr.
Zeckendorf.
- Hilgendorf.
- Hilgendorf.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'll tell her.
Yeah, my mom, she went to the headmaster and complained that he was teaching us to be un-American.
She's crazy.
I think all of her friends died in Vietnam or something.
Well, she sounds like a patriot.
I like it.
Really? It's the land of the free.
You're rich, or you're stuck.
This is the master of your own destiny.
It's America.
You sound like every teenage boy I've ever written a college application essay for.
- I do? - Yeah.
Why? Just, like, this romantic idea of America that does not exist.
I mean, not for everyone.
Well, you have me there.
- Why? - [LAUGHS.]
I wrote my thesis on "Thunder Road.
" You did? See? I wrote it myself.
Got you.
Yeah, you know, get into your Mustang with a pretty enough girl and ride off into the promised land.
It's a nice thought.
I'd like to believe that.
Or I'd like to believe in that.
[SIGHS.]
But I don't know.
Yeah.
America's lost some of her beauty, that's for sure.
We're just one giant strip mall.
Everybody's fat.
I've never answered an ad like this before.
I've never written an ad like this before.
I mean, I have, but only to avoid dealing with my marriage.
I think a lot of people do this.
I have a good heart.
I really do.
And hey, you were a little boy once.
[LAUGHS.]
A long time ago.
So you had to be good then.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
It's not so bad, right? I mean, just think next time, we could go to Walmart.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Why Bruce? I don't know, he's just, like he's just, like, what a man's supposed to be, you know? Mm-hmm, he sure is.
Did you have any childhood music heroes? Mm, I don't know.
Britney Spears no.
That's not who you want teaching you to be a woman.
Hey, she has turned her shit around.
- Has she? - Yes.
Okay.
No, I don't know.
My hero was, uh, probably this woman named Jennifer Azzi.
Oh, my God, of course.
That's amazing.
How do you know who Jennifer Azzi is? Mm, '96 Women's Dream Team, WNBA Hall of Fame, she's the head coach for USF.
- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah.
That's so how do you know that? My daughter Mallory is obsessed with her.
She's a lesbian, which is a relief 'cause I don't have to deal with all those creepy boys.
But she wants to play professional basketball.
Oh, yeah? I thought that too.
Yeah, and now she's even more convinced it's possible because of the expansion team that we have coming.
Boston's getting an expansion team? - You didn't know this? - No.
- The Boston Spirit.
- We're called the Spirit? - Yeah, the Boston Spirit.
- Do - It's an expansion team.
- Okay, there are only eight - WNBA teams.
- Now there's gonna be nine.
And Boston is getting one? Yeah, I'm taking Mallory to see the open tryouts.
Anyone can try out? Yeah.
You didn't read this? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
This has been my dream my entire life.
- Oh, my God.
- I don't think you understand.
I do understand.
You're working on a dream.
Oh, yeah, Nelson was right.
- That's amazing.
- That's amazing.
- You have to try out.
- I will.
Thank you.
- You promise me? - I promise.
Thank you.
You're gonna make it.
[PEOPLE MURMURING.]
[WOMAN.]
Oh, my gosh! Jesus.
[CHAIR CLATTERING.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
'Cause I won't waste another day Living someone else's way I wanna be happy I wanna be free Fuck what they say I'm doing me I won't waste another day Living someone else's way I wanna be happy I wanna be free Fuck what they say I'm doing me I won't waste another day Living someone else's way I wanna be happy I wanna be free Fuck what they say I'm doing me 'Cause I won't waste another day Living someone else's way I wanna be happy - [WOMAN.]
Supahsmaht.
- I wanna be free Fuck what they say I'm doing me