Somebody Somewhere (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 (POLICE SIREN WHOOPING) (BRAKES CREAK) (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) - What did he do? - Dealing fentanyl.
Really? Hey, what's up, Sam? - Hey, Drew.
- (CAR DOOR SHUTS) (WHIMSICAL THEME PLAYING) (SCREEN DOOR OPENS) (KEYS RATTLE) (DOOR SHUTS) Hey.
- Hi.
Good morning.
Drive.
- Good morning.
SAM: I am amped the fuck up! I have been racking my brain, trying to figure out why the fuck was Rick at choir practice? Anyone can go to choir practice.
Ah, that dumb fuck.
No fucking way he'd show up there on his own.
No fuckin' way! You know, I was over Tricia's house, and he's laying around, playing games like he always fucking does, and I see something sticking out of his pants, and I'm like - what the fuck is that? - (LAUGHS) And it was a big old fuckin' wad of fuckin' cash! Well, sounds like business is good.
Great.
That motherfucker doesn't have two nickels to rub together.
His allowance is like, I don't know, 30 bucks a week or something.
- Oh.
That is small.
- Yeah, so how the fuck does he have all that money in his fuckin' pants, and what the fuck is it fuckin' for? Huh? Think about it.
Think about it.
- Okay.
- Drugs.
- Oh.
(LAUGHS) - Yeah.
- Really? - It's everywhere, man.
Oh my God, pull in here.
JOEL: Oh, Randy's working! - RANDY: Hey, Joel.
- Hey.
Oh.
Hey, Sam.
I didn't see you there.
Uh, hang on a sec.
Oh no, that's okay.
If I have any more coffee, - my heart's gonna explode.
Now, Joel - (LAUGHS) So, uh, when'd you two start hanging out.
Oh.
Well, um, okay, - you know I work at - It's not the time, Joel.
Joel, Joel, Joel.
Sorry, Randy.
We have to go.
- Okay.
No problem.
- SAM: Thank you.
Okay.
- Pull over there by the dumpster.
- Say hi to Tammy.
(LAUGHS) (SHIFTS INTO PARK) Oh my God! Are we buying drugs? No! Well, it's just that you had me park by a dumpster, and you're talking about all this stuff Joel, Rick is selling drugs.
What? No.
Rick-Rick? Are you sure? Well, if he is, I'm gonna cut his dick off.
That's Shannon's dad! Fuck.
Look, he stops here every morning.
He's a very predictable dude.
At least, I thought he was.
You know, I've stalked people online, but I haven't stalked anybody in person in, like, since high school, so this is kinda exciting for me.
(LAUGHS) - SAM: Oh, that's him! Get down! - JOEL: Oh God.
- JOEL: Huh! - SAM: Ew, that's your bottom! JOEL: (LAUGHS) This is so intense! Don't sniff! (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) (INAUDIBLE SIGH) WOMAN: (LAUGHS) It looks like Toto! Couldn't it be like a gambling problem or something? No.
Rick is way too unlucky.
To his credit, he knows it.
Oh my God, embezzling.
Joel, I've given this a lot of thought.
It has to be drugs.
Why else would Rick be at choir practice if it wasn't to move some fucking product? I really don't think anyone there would be buying Oh my God.
- What? - Oh shit, shit, shit.
He's stopping.
He's pulling over! - He's pulling over! - He can't see me! - Okay.
Okay.
- Okay, just be cool.
Pull a casual U-turn and park where you can have eyes on him.
What's a casual U-turn? I can't be casual about breaking the law.
- Joel, just turn around and park! - Okay, okay! Joel, park over there! - Oh, I don't like that spot - Joel, park the fucking car! I like to have shade! SAM: Oh my God, Joel! Oh, Jesus Christ.
All clear.
- (JOEL SIGHS) - (CHAIR THUDS) SAM: Oh my God.
This is some shady fuckin' shit.
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING) - Oh my God.
- What? - What? - It's Bill Baker.
SAM: Who's Bill Baker? JOEL: Bill Baker, the chainsaw artist.
He's a genius.
His beaver is installed in Town Hall.
- That's pretty cool.
- What's he making? - (CHAINSAW WHIRRING) - Excuse me.
- I'm a birder.
(LAUGHS) - What are the chances? - (WHIRRING) - Wait, gimme those.
- But I'm I'm using them right now, but - Just give them.
- JOEL: What is it? - SAM: Okay.
Okay, no, no, no.
- Get out your phone.
- JOEL: Oh.
And get ready to hit record as soon as shit starts going down.
Copy that.
SAM: You gonna get a little hot dog? You sick fuck.
Oh yeah.
How am I gonna know when shit is starting to go down.
- Oh, you're gonna know.
- (CHAINSAW WHIRRING) - (SIGHS) - But how? TRICIA: I just saw Poppy's new window display.
They have a Toto in a little raincoat.
I know.
I saw it.
I freaked out.
- It's disarmingly adorable.
- Well, we are gonna fight fire with fire.
(WHIRRING) He hasn't moved for 40 fuckin' minutes.
Maybe he just loves chainsaw art.
- Joel - I mean, who doesn't? Man, I'm really starting to crash from all that caffeine.
I could use, like, a little snack or (CHAINSAW CONTINUES) I might have something in the winter survival kit.
- Oh.
- Like an old granola bar.
- Mm, I love an old granola bar.
- (LAUGHS) Hit me.
One time, I drove off the road during this crazy blizzard.
You don't even wanna know - the things I had to do to get through.
- Um, yes, I do! (LAUGHS) - No.
- Come on, just tell me one little thing.
- No.
- What, did you, um take yourself a little cup take your little, or big - (LAUGHS) - penis out, fill up that cup with some wee-wee? I gotta drink my wee-wee - (SINGING): Oh no Oh no - Why would I have to drink my own urine during a snowstorm? There was plenty of water to drink.
Drink, drink, drink my wee-wee Oh no - (SINGING): I gotta drink it.
- Drink it! - Drink it! - Uh, drink it! Oh, fuck! - Where's Rick? Fuck.
We gotta - Oh right.
- This is serious.
Pay attention.
- Right.
Okay.
(WHIRRING) - What do you wanna sing at choir practice tonight? - Oh, shit.
God, I don't know.
- There's so many solid gold options.
- Yeah.
Maybe you could do a rocker.
I don't know.
It's only my second time.
It just, uh I don't wanna go too crazy.
How about, like, a little Air Supply? Or maybe something more classic? - What's more classic than Air Supply? - That's a good point.
- (LAUGHS) - But are we All Out Of Love, or are we Lost In Love? Or are we Making Love BOTH: Out Of Nothing At All? (LAUGHS) - TRICIA: It's cute, right? - CHARITY: It's so cute.
- (LAUGHS) - TRICIA: So cute! (LAUGHS) Come on! (BIRDS CHIRPING) - (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH RINGTONE) - Fuck! (SIGHS) - (SAM SIGHS) - (JOEL LAUGHS) - Hi, Mom.
- MJ (ON PHONE): Your father wants to know if you're coming home for the barbecue.
I'm making my egg salad Oh, you know what? I got a lot going on today, Mom.
Um, actually, I-I gotta go.
Bye.
Are we still gonna be tailing Rick then? - 'Cause I have some stuff.
- (SIGHS) No, he'll be at my parents' house.
Well, then you gotta be there.
No.
I have better things to do.
Saturdays are actually pretty big for me.
- Oh really? You got, like, a Saturday ritual? - I do.
- Oh! - I like to sit down and write out a list of goals for the week, and then, of course, I write down a list of accomplishments - for the previous week and stuff like that.
- Oh my God! - That's so amazing! - Yeah.
(LAUGHS) I don't do any of that.
I like to lay around, drinking wine in my underwear.
- Oh.
Hm - It's pretty fuckin' great.
Hm.
"Hm" what? I don't know.
Just sounds a little lonely.
Yeah, well, it works for me.
Okay.
And what do you do with your Saturdays? Like church outreach stuff mostly.
I do ESL, I do youth group mentoring.
Today, we're packing up, uh, donations from the canned good and toiletry drive.
Then, I'm gonna set up for choir practice.
Every other weekend, I have this volunteer gig at the pediatric clinic.
And then, I do sometimes do clowning - for the kids in the hospital.
- (LAUGHS) Jesus.
You do so much stuff.
Eh.
I just try to keep busy, - make sure that the terror doesn't creep in.
- (BOTH LAUGH) (GASPS) Rick is on the move.
He's on the move! - Well, fuck, let's go! - Oh.
- Okay.
Um - (STARTS CAR) SAM: Fuck.
Just keep three cars between us, okay? But there aren't any other cars.
All right, well, then hang back.
- Joel - Oh wait, I'm just gonna let this guy go.
SAM: Joel, no, no, no! Go around, or we're gonna lose him! JOEL: Well, no.
I can't go around.
- Joel - What about oncoming traffic? You just said that there were no other cars, Joel! Hit it! - No No.
It's too risky! - No, no, no! Hit it! Go! It's not risky! You can't hesitate! Just pull up and go around.
- You can do it! - Don't hesitate.
BOTH: Don't hesitate.
Don't hesitate.
Hit it! - (ENGINE REVVING) - JOEL: Oh no! - I'm sorry, I hesitated.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Joel! Joel, we're gonna lose him! Go! Go! Go! - Don't hesitate! Just go! - JOEL: Oh God! Ah! - Ah! Car! There's a car! - Ah! Go! Go! Go! - (HONKING) - (SCREAMING) - Oh God! (LAUGHING) - You did it! You did it! You did it! - You did it! (LAUGHS) - Oh, that was scary and fun! - (LAUGHS) - SAM: Oh no! - Oh no, no, no, where's Rick? - God, where is he? - Fuck, we lost him.
Fuck - (RINGTONE) (SIGHS) - Hi, honey.
- Michael (ON PHONE): Where are you? - I thought we were getting lunch.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just helping Sam out with something.
MICHAEL: What does she need help with? Just some music and stuff for tonight.
- MICHAEL: Okay.
Joel? Have fun with Sam.
- Wha - Michael says hi.
- SAM: Really? (TRACTOR RUMBLING) (TRAILER RATTLING) (SIGHS) (BIRDS CHIRPING) ED: Ah.
What is this, a leap year? How did we get to be so lucky? Hey, Dad.
What's Rick doing on the grill? Eh, I figured I'd let him burn the chicken for a change.
(BOTTLES CLINK) Are you ladies ready? - (STRUMMING GUITAR) - No, Dad I get my kisses in the meadow He gets his kisses by the stream I get my kisses from my baby I get 'em on the count of one, two, three One, two, three He gets them on the count of one, two, three (STOPS PLAYING) - (KISSING) - (LAUGHS) - MJ: Hey, Sam.
- SAM: Hi, Mom.
(DOOR OPENS) - You want another cold one? - (DOOR SHUTS) Nah (PLASTIC CRINKLING) PASTOR DEB: I want chips and salsa and a frozen margarita for dinner.
Is that so wrong? No, that is so right, Pastor Deb.
Emmet? Margs? - Okay.
- JOEL: Okay, great.
You two go on ahead.
I'm gonna stay behind though because I wanna work on some new choir music.
Oh.
Right.
I can't wait to hear it.
Yeah, it's a really great essay, Shan.
I love it.
And that stuff about you and Grandpa with the popcorn garden? - (LAUGHS) - Hit me right in the heart.
So sweet.
I didn't know that you asked Sam to help with your essay.
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's her job.
- Yeah, I know it's her job, but I was accepted everywhere I applied to, so You know, why don't you ask your mom to help you with that community service part - you've been struggling with.
- I'd be happy to! Scooch.
It'll be great.
(SIGHS) And I am gonna go check on Mom and see what's going on with that egg salad situation.
- You're doing it wrong.
- Just the one paragraph? - Yeah.
- Now, honey, right off the bat, I don't like this typeface.
What the fuck? Oh, you dumb little fuck-nut.
What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is he doing? What the fuck is he doing - What are you doing? - Oh my God! Uh, nothing! I was just, um Oh God.
I'm a little cold.
Huh.
Well, you can't be that cold.
You're sweating.
Yeah, well, I run hot.
You know that.
I thought you just said that you were cold.
I did.
I was.
Now, I'm not.
Excuse me.
Okay (POURING LIQUID) RICK: I think we're good.
I got my sous chef.
TRICIA: Don't burn it.
Dad'll make fun of you forever.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Wouldn't you be more comfortable at the table? Eh, too comfortable where I am.
I guess so.
You haven't moved all day.
Hey, I just got a call.
I gotta run.
Busted heat pump.
- Babe, it's family time.
- I know, but it's my weekend on.
Hey, hon! I gotta go.
(CLICKS TONGUE) SHANNON: Bye, Dad.
(SIGHS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (SIGHS) Mom! - There's shells in here, Mom! - Well, eat around them.
Anybody want s'mores? - (FLAME ROARS) - (SCREAMING) - TRICIA: Shannon! Are you okay? - I'm good.
I'm okay.
(ROARING, LID CLANGS) Mom! What were you thinking? Shannon could've really been hurt! It was an honest mistake.
- Don't make such a federal case.
- God, Mom, you're wasted! - (INDISTINCT ARGUING) - ED: Everybody just calm Ah! - Ah! Ow! - SAM: Dad! - What happened? - My foot must've fallen asleep.
Don't blame that on me! He shouldn't have been standing - behind the car.
- You ran over Dad? His foot.
Don't be so dramatic.
I-I'm fine.
Everyone just stop it, all right? Everybody here drinks like fishes, and I can't have one little drink.
Yeah, no, Mom.
You can't, apparently, have one drink.
Everybody's always picking on me! - Dad, are you okay? - Yeah, I I'll be all right.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Family, huh? Oh.
- It sucks.
- (DOOR SHUTS) TRICIA: Get your stuff.
I wanna go.
Let's go.
We're leaving.
- SAM: Tricia! - You know what, Sam? I'm tired of dealing with it.
It's your turn.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) (DOOR SHUTS) (INSECTS CHIRPING) (HARP PLAYING) (QUIET CHATTER) (COUGHING) Hey, kid.
Oh, thank God you're here.
- Oh, hey, Fred.
- You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
You know what the Rock always says? - I don't.
- Control the controllables.
- What does that mean? - It means you're here, you got yourself a drink, there's a microphone.
Come on.
We need you.
- Okay.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You ready to give these kids a treat? - Sure.
- Jeez, we're doing great, but we need the energy a little up, and I know you can bring it.
I know you can bring it.
- I'm excited.
All right? Let 'er rip! Let 'er rip! - All right, let it rip.
(HARP PLAYING STOPS) - FRED: All right, give it up for Judy's magic fingers! - (APPLAUSE) Wonderful! All right, thank you.
All right, we got one more to go, and you are in for a treat, kiddos, because here she is, our very own Little Miss Sampire! - (LAUGHS) - Come on, Sammy! - (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) - Come on, Sammy.
- Change the vibe in here, please.
- Okay.
(LAUGHS) Okay You guys'll know it.
(WHISTLING) CROWD: Woo! Didn't I make you feel - (CHEERING) - Like you were the only Man FRED: Yeah! Yes! - (MUSICIANS START PLAYING) - Yeah, didn't I give you nearly everything That a woman possibly can Honey, you know I did! And each time I tell myself That I think I've had enough And now, I'm gonna show you, baby That a woman can be tough I want you to come on Come on, come on Come on and Take it Take another little piece of my heart now, baby Oh shit! Break it Break another little piece of my heart now, darling Yeah Come on! Have a little piece of my heart now, baby You know you've got it 'Cause it makes you feel good - (CROWD CHEERING) - Hi, Fred Rococo.
- Come here! - Really? You're out on the street Looking good! But, baby, deep down in your heart You gotta know that shit ain't right Never, never, never, never, never hear me When I cry, when I cry at night And, honey, I cry all the time And each time I tell myself That I can't stand the pain Oh, when you hold me in your arms And I sing it once again I want you to come on Come on Come on, come on Come on, come on Come on, yeah! Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby Sing it with me! Oh, break it! Break another little piece of my heart now Darling, yeah - What? - Have a ! Have another little piece of my heart now Baby You know you've got it Does it make you feel good? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (MUSIC CRESCENDOS, ENDS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE) Killed it.
Killed it.
You got it.
Yeah! Yeah! Sammy! (POIGNANT MUSIC) (APPLAUSE, CHATTER FADE OUT) (INSECTS CHIRPING) (TINKERING) You should rest that foot, Dad.
Farm doesn't take care of itself.
There's work to do.
You need to talk to her.
About going to rehab, Dad.
You're as crazy as your sister.
Rehab.
- What are we, movie stars? - Dad So, she drinks too much sometimes.
We all do it.
That's not a crime.
You brought the beer.
Yeah.
But, this is different.
She ran over your foot.
She could've really hurt Shannon up there.
Dad, I mean what's next? Look, if you girls wanna talk to her She's not gonna listen to us.
MJ and me, we've known each other since we were 15 years old.
You (SIGHS) You're with somebody that long, you-you stop being separate people.
You become some kinda four-legged creature.
She's my other half.
- I'd sooner cut off my arm than harm her.
- I know.
That's why it has to be you, Dad.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (INAUDIBLE) (INSECTS CHIRPING) ("MAKING LOVE OUT OF NOTHING AT ALL" BY AIR SUPPLY) I know just how to whisper And I know just how to cry I know just where to find the answers And I know just how to lie I know just how to fake it And I know just how to scheme I know just when to face the truth And then I know just when to dream And I know just where to touch you And I know just what to prove I know when to pull you closer And I know when to let you loose And I know the night is fading And I know the time's gonna fly And I never gotta tell you everything I gotta tell But I know I gotta give it a try And I know the roads to riches And I know the ways to fame I know all the rules, and then I know how to break 'em And I always know the name of the game But, I don't know how to leave you