Son of a Critch (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Growing up,
the most popular room
was also the smallest
but it had the best seat in the house.
Occupied!
Occupied!
Occupied!
Sweet Jesus, I've seen it all before!
The only way to avoid
getting in each other's way
was to gather in the flickering glow
of the modern fireplace
and ignore each other
Together as a family.
When kids my age were watching Alf,
I was memorizing Bob Hope routines.
I didn't know why the baseball
was getting bigger and bigger
and bigger; Then it hit me.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
The schoolyard was what
we comedians might call
a "tough room".
Hey, fellas.
Man is it cold today, or what?
You know, it's so cold the politicians
have their hands in their own pockets!
Say, fellas,
did you catch that Bob Hope
birthday tribute last night on TV?
You know you're getting old
when the candles cost
more than the cake,
am I right?
This stuff killed at
home, but on the schoolyard
it could very well end
up getting me killed.
You losers want to hear
something really funny?
Eddie Murphy!
Whoa, I hear this is filthy!
Where'd you get that?
It's my dad's.
Mom's gone on vacation with
her dumb-ass new boyfriend
so I have to stay at his house.
What's so funny?
I had never heard
language like that before.
Not even that time Pop fell asleep
with a lit smoke in his mouth.
Your father lets you listen
to language like that?
He doesn't care. He's never home.
Give it back.
Clearly, it was time
to freshen up my act.
Exciting news, children.
The school will be holding
a public speaking contest
and though the Bible
tells us to judge not,
Sister Rose and I will
be doing just that.
It will be happening one week from today
in the gymnatorium on the main stage.
Finally! A stage.
Comedy in front of nuns?
Now, that was my crowd.
Thank you. Thank you.
How are ya, folks?
Sisters, fathers, brothers.
I guess you could say
the whole family is here!
Even the bishop made it.
And he can only move diagonally.
You're a great crowd.
I really mean that!
Mark! Mark! Mark!
Mark?
As I was saying, if any of
you would like to participate,
please see Sister Rose
to register after school
in the music room.
After school?
I had put my career on hold long enough.
Sister, may I be excused?
I left my inhaler in my coat.
You can borrow mine.
Shut up.
Be quick about it.
He's not quick about anything.
A vow of celibacy meant the only passion
in Sister Rose's life was music.
Sister Rose.
Mark Critch. Such a fan of your work.
A principal who also volunteers
for music and public speaking?
Where do you find the time?
- Speaking of
- Hmm?
I would like to
register for the contest!
You're Ritchie Perez's little friend.
Yes, you'll do nicely.
I guess I do have a way with words.
Oh, no, not that.
As you know, Mr. Critch, I
conduct the school orchestra.
I need a second cellist.
And now you show up out of the blue.
Yes, this is divine intervention.
Your friend, Ritchie, plays
and now you will play the cello as well.
Play cello? In my school?
This was a death sentence.
Sister, I'm flattered,
obviously.
I truly am
but I'm really trying to
focus on my comedy right now.
So, about the contest
oh, I'm not asking, Mr. Critch.
Desperate for warm bodies,
the nuns had turned to conscription.
I'd been drafted.
Rehearsals are Tuesdays
and Thursdays at lunch.
Do not be late.
Uhh
I'm a big fan of lunch in general.
It's what I call 'me time'.
Maybe
if you do not play the cello,
there will be no
speaking contest for you.
Checkmate.
And Mark?
Are you any relation
to a Mr. Patrick Critch?
He's my grandfather.
Do say hello for me.
I couldn't sleep.
My dream had become a nightmare.
Hey!
Let me hear some noise!
Aren't nuns stupid?
Nun said she saw me runnin'
in the hall the other day.
Know what I told her?
I told her it wasn't me!
Look at me. Do I look like I run?
I'm so lazy, I sweat gravy!
Now, what's wrong with you?
You got a face on ya like a boiled boot.
Our nun principal is
making me play the cello.
And she said to say hello to you.
Sister Rose?
Sister Rose.
Oh, that's a long time
since I've heard that name.
Here.
I want to be a comedian.
I don't want to be some dumb cellist.
Mm-hm, here.
Everyone will laugh at me!
I'll get you out of it.
I'll write you a note.
That's awesome!
You know, she's not as bad as she looks.
Thanks, Pop.
This should do it.
Here you are. Now
Don't open it!
It's strongly worded.
What are you up to?
I can't show an interest
in my grandson's well-being
without there being
some ulterior motive?
Not usually, no.
- You're not even trying.
- I hate this!
It's your fault that I'm here.
I'm not apologizing
for being your friend.
Besides, I'm glad you're here.
My parents make me play
and I'm not very good.
But with you next to me,
I'm going to look way better.
Nice.
Huh, first thing is
how you hold the bow:
Make sure your thumb
and number two finger
are across from each other.
You know what finger I'm about to use?
Mark!
It was nice playing with you.
Good luck with it.
I'm so sorry to do this
but I have to quit.
I'm afraid my schedule
simply does not allow.
I have a note.
Dear Sister Rose,
or "Rosie"
as I knew you then when life was new
and love was everything.
Do you remember that first kiss
beneath the church bell tower?
The orange I gave you
was as stolen as the kiss
but it was all I had
to offer you, Rosie.
My forbidden fruit!
I can still taste
the sweet citrus from your lips.
I swore I would never let another orange
touch them again.
I even got scurvy.
The doctor put me on vitamin C pills
but they gave me acid reflux.
Anyway, never mind about that.
Your eternal flame
will forever burn in my broken heart.
Rose!
What do you think you're doing?
Oh!
You come with me.
- Patrick!
- Rose!
- Patrick!
- Rose!
Rose!!
May God forgive me.
P.S. Please excuse Mark from cello.
The boy is soft.
All the best, Patrick.
I do not accept your note.
You can't enter
the speaking contest
until you have mastered at
least one song on the cello.
And you may give your
grandfather this note from me.
Do not read it.
It's a sin to covet the
written words of others,
and it is punishable by strapping.
I don't remember that in the Bible.
Must be post-Vatican 2.
What's in the box, tool?
Not like you to lift something heavy.
I'm sorry. If I told you I'd
have to explain what a cello is
and then I'd have to
explain what an orchestra is,
and I have a bus to catch.
Aw, little wuss probably
got his mommy in there.
Forcing my mother inside a cello case
and then dragging it
around school all day
wouldn't make me a wuss,
it'd make me a psychopath.
I know you are but what am I?
What?
Oh, gee.
Sounds like he got a cat in there.
See?
It's a cello.
It's a big guitar!
No, idiot, it's a big fiddle.
Ow!
Give it back!
Hey, look at me; I'm Eddie Van Halen!
Seriously, how is there never
a nun around when you need one?
Okay, that's enough, nimrods.
- He's gonna miss his bus.
- Oh, you hear that?
Her boyfriend's gonna miss his bus.
Ooh!
Get in the case.
Get off me. Stop, let go!
Come on, get her in, get her in.
It was either me or the
cello and I hated the cello
almost as much as I hated the Foxes.
So, I picked me.
Did she read my note?
Yep, she gave me this.
Hm.
My dearest Patrick,
oh, how your words made me tremble.
I felt as though I
was a young girl again.
Patrick
My heart!
You stay away!
- Rose, don't go!
- Patrick!
Why did you not fight for me that day?
Stay away!
She who would gladly
spend an eternity in hell
for just one night
in your fiery embrace.
P.S.
Mark may not be excused
from playing cello.
While the boy is soft,
I am a cellist short.
I'm going to write you another note.
Who loses a cello?
I didn't lose it.
It was beaten from me.
What the hell, Fox?
I called you three times
last night: no answer.
I'm staying at my dad's, dummy.
Where's my cello?
My brother tried to sell it
but nobody wants a stupid cello
so he dumped it in my dad's backyard.
That's not good, too much
humidity. Varnish wo
Stay out of this.
You have to take me there at lunch.
No!
Dad said I'm not allowed
to have kids over.
Well, too bad.
Maybe his kids shouldn't
steal cellos then!
You don't understand.
No, you don't understand.
That nun is going to kill me.
We're gonna be late.
I thought we were friends
but you're no better than your brothers.
You're all the same.
Fine.
Lunchtime.
But you do as I say or so help me
I asked Ritchie to cover for me.
Perhaps I asked too much.
He's coming.
He just had to go to the washroom first.
Mm.
I think he had to poop.
He's been pooping a lot lately.
Eh, um, we shall begin without him.
Fox was embarrassed
by her father's house
but I envied her.
I longed for neighbours to play with
and she literally had them on
the other side of her walls.
I'm not supposed to just show up.
That doesn't make any
sense. It's your house, too.
I don't stay here; It's
just 'cuz Mom is out of town
with her dumb boyfriend.
You wouldn't understand.
Hm.
He should be here by now.
It's definitely a poop.
Stop talking about poop!
I'm going to check on him.
I have to poop whenever I eat ice cream.
What?
Every ice cream day,
I bring 50 cents for a fudge stick.
But whenever I eat it,
my stomach hurts.
Why don't you just stop eating them?
They taste too good.
One time I didn't make it.
Had to hide my pants in a snowbank.
Eh, ju-ju-just play it again.
Listen to the roar
of this capacity crowd
here at Memorial Stadium
for the superstars of wrestling.
The air was heavy with
an unfamiliar smell
that I now know as beer.
Whipper Billy Watson
faces off against
Take it and go!
Be quiet.
He's coming up against
the ropes here now and
Ohh!!
Whipper is really going to work!
Oh, I mean, how much
more can a man withstand?
This is what you do
when I'm asleep, is it?
I had never been more
terrified in my life
and I was taught by nuns.
Where'd you steal that?
It's his. He left it here.
He's just a friend from school, Dad.
This what you do at lunch
times, you bring boys home?
You're just like your mother, you are.
Just go.
Go!
So, who told you you could come here?
You tell your mother and
her friggin' boyfriend
that I ain't running no frigging
daycare centre, ya hear me?
Should I play it again or
Sorry I'm late.
I
Sweet merciful Christ.
Pop gave me this for you.
My dearest Rosie.
As I watched her pull you away,
I could only think of two things.
That you had some kind of arse on ya.
That a fool like me
could never offer you
anything but grief.
What a fool I was all those years ago.
I know that you believe in a heaven
that I shall never see
but, if God pities liars
and we do meet again,
let us love each other
the way we should have
done from the start.
P.S. Let the boy off the hook
and I'll come over
there and grab onto you
like you were the last life jacket
on the bloody Titanic.
You don't have to
play the cello anymore.
Get out.
Look, I didn't see anything and
I was never in your house, okay?
But he shouldn't grab you like that.
I knew it. I can't trust you.
This is all your fault.
You're dead if you say anything.
Do you hear me? Dead!
And, in conclusion,
that is why I plan to keep my virginity
until marriage and save it for Jesus!
Thank you!
Our next speaker is Mark Critch.
His topic is
Jokes.
Mark?
Hello?
I mean, "how are ya?"
Good news!
The principal said we
are only going to have
a half day of school this morning.
And the bad news is
we're going to have the
other half in the afternoon.
Uh
I told my mother I got
a hundred the other day.
I got a 60 in spelling and a 40 in math.
The old jokes I'd learned were bombing.
I put Fox through all
of that for nothing.
"Screw it," I figured.
If I was going to bomb,
at least I'd bomb
with original material.
The other day, I asked Sister Rose
if she would give me the strap
for something I didn't do.
She said, "no, of course not!"
So I said, "good, because
I didn't do my homework."
I asked Sister Margaret
if pets go to heaven.
She wouldn't answer.
I then asked her if
God created everything
then who made God?
She told me to stop asking questions.
She's not so much of a Catholic nun
and more of a none-of-your-business.
As Sister Margaret dragged
me off the stage by the ear,
I realized I didn't need to
be Bob Hope or Eddie Murphy.
I just needed to be myself.
Ho.
Hm.
Hm.
Hm-hm-hm.
Gross!
What was I thinking?
Hey!
Surprisingly, once I no
longer had to play the cello,
I actually kind of
wanted to play the cello.
Jesus.
I came to realize that my family
would applaud pretty
much everything I did,
no matter how lame.
This was a bit of a letdown.
But it was also a comfort.
Here, boy.
Good night.
That was really good, my ducky.
Just play it again.
Some people want the truth
but there'd be lots of time for that.
I was happy to have a
family that loved me enough
to lie to me.