Space Force (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

[ROCKET ENGINE WHOOSHING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Do you see it? - [CHAN.]
No.
- No mention of rats, mice, rodents, rodent blood pressure tests? None.
Wait.
Oh, that says "House appropriations.
" So close to "mouse appropriations.
" This is an affront.
Is he in? Yes.
Yes, he is.
What is this regarding? I am testifying with General Naird today at the budget hearing in Washington, and I would like to know why my science budget pales in comparison to the riches devoted to turning space into an orgy of death.
ID? I left my ID at the lab.
No one gets in without ID.
Brad, will you tell this prepubescent killing machine who I am? Uh, Duncan, this is Dr.
Adrian Mallory.
Well, I could confirm that if he presented some ID.
I entered the building without ID.
Oh, wow.
They should not have allowed that.
[SAFETY CLICKS.]
[STOMPING.]
[MALLORY YELLING.]
The village idiot is hiding in Naird's office! Anything? The project where I grow fur on plants is gone.
Well, that one was weird.
You're weird.
[MALLORY POPS MOUTH.]
Thank you.
Doctor Mallory.
You knew that.
- Sorry, uh, he's in a meeting now.
- What meeting? Last-minute media prep with Fuck Tony.
Fuck Tony says it's the most important single hour of the general's life.
Ugh.
General Naird, you disgust me.
You're disgusting.
Nobody's gonna say that.
This is a congressional budget hearing, not a roast.
Yeah, well, as your head media consultant, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't prepare you for the worst.
General Naird, you steaming pile of vomit! I hope you die! Okay, stop.
Space Force is a bright, shiny new object that is asking for the least amount of money of any of the armed forces.
We haven't started any wars.
We haven't had a My Lai yet.
They're gonna embrace us with open arms.
General Naird, I did not say you could step down! Stop! I'll be back at 2100 hours.
Hold down the fort.
Does all your authority on base transfer to me while you're gone? All my responsibility.
Half my authority.
Oh.
Is it okay if I still call you in case anything Brad, come on, dude.
You're a general.
- Come - [BRAD.]
Okay.
See you on the flip, mustache.
Hey, candies are for my visitors.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you also own a van, you fucking creep? Yes, I do.
And when my snoring wakes my wife, I sleep in it.
Where is my rat blood pressure research funding? Do you hear yourself? And why are all my pages redacted? What, you don't think I could have any valid thoughts about expenditures? Perhaps, but as a scientist, you have a loyalty to reason.
Makes you a little untrustworthy.
Scientists are weird.
It's why you're the only Muppet that speaks nonsense.
Even Animal uses words.
Adrian, here's the deal.
We are testifying for the House Armed Services Committee.
They are not going to give us a billion dollars if we tell them we're going to use it to give rats stomachaches.
Sir, ready to go to the tarmac? Oh, good, you didn't leave yet.
Hey, bug! What are you doing? Ditching first period just to see me off? No.
Got suspended.
Gave a teacher the finger.
[TONY.]
Nice! You know, one time, my history teacher gave me a "C," so I planted drugs in his desk.
And now, he lives under a bridge like a troll.
What do you mean, you got suspended? Yeah.
My day's wide open, so I can go to DC with you.
You know, since you're responsible for moving us to this hellhole and ruining my life.
I mean, the least you could do is let me see my old friends and shop at stores that don't, like, exclusively sell Wrangler jeans.
- [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Captain Ali? - Yes, sir? Change of plans.
I would like you to keep an eye on my daughter today.
Yes, sir.
That is something I'm capable of doing, sir, in addition to flying helicopters in war zones, which is my job.
Rat hemoglobins are substantially Jesus, just let him fly the fucking thing! You're talking! He's gotta fly! [RATTLING.]
- Whoops.
- What do you mean, "whoops"? - So, what are we gonna do? - I don't know, same thing I always do.
Go to the gym, walk the base a little, maybe get some soft serve.
Probably hit the gym again.
- [MOANING.]
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I bet you wish you didn't flip off your teacher now, huh? Oh, and I bet you wish you didn't either.
Or worked a little harder in high school.
Bitch, I got straight A's and a math degree from the University of Hawaii, so back up.
[CHUCKLES.]
How big is this stupid base? Government waste.
No wonder my high school is just a row of portables by the highway.
What are you talking about? The gym is right up there.
Or don't you live here? No, I live in DC.
Ah, that's right, yes.
All right, that's the Pickering Building.
Sometimes I take my lunch over there and watch them build rocket engines.
And that is where Dr.
Banner works with the gamma rays.
Oh, and that's where we store the vibranium that we stole from Wakanda.
- Cool.
- Hey, what's up, Scraps? [MEN LAUGHING.]
You know those clowns? And what's "Scraps"? Uh, yeah, I go to school with them.
'Kay.
[MALLORY.]
Is it ironic we're taking an empty C-130 to a hearing on military waste? [MARK.]
Adrian, stop spitting.
[GROANING.]
What? I feel you overthinking this hearing.
Isn't any thinking to you "overthinking"? "A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.
" General Patton.
"A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.
" General Patton.
"Someone needs to lead, and someone needs to follow, but they are both equally on the same team.
" General Naird.
No, no, no! Not you.
Joint Chiefs only.
Ah, these hearings are bullcrap.
We don't come clean about half our defense spend, so what's the point? Well, it's not bullcrap for Space Force.
First time with your keister in the hot seat.
Might be your last.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Hey, guys! - What are you doing? - Get out! - [ALL.]
Out! - No Coast Guard! Oh, come on, man.
- [MARINE GENERAL.]
Hey, Naird? - Hmm? If you need any help getting back at the Chinese for what they did to your satellite, a little ground-and-pound Whatever, I don't know.
Let me know.
Marines at your disposal.
I appreciate the offer, but we're good.
In fact, this little dust-up with the Chinese made us even stronger.
I'm kinda glad it happened.
I just hope that our monkey doesn't crack under Chinese interrogation.
What? Never mind.
My main concern is our head scientist.
He is just a pain in the ass.
Yeah, I don't know how you do it.
Imagine lab coats telling us how to invade Iraq.
"Oh, you can't bomb there, that's an endangered yak.
" [CHUCKLING.]
You seem pretty calm, Naird.
Why wouldn't I be? Pentagon's got a record-high budget request.
And all because of you.
A new branch that's done nothing but blow up on launchpads and let the Chinese slide their chopsticks up our buttholes.
That's disgusting.
Oh, it's disgusting, all right.
Disgusting that Space Force was taken from me and handed to a New Jersey nincompoop.
But I'm sure the committee will come to that conclusion after we testify.
Get your junk out of my face, please.
- Kneel.
- What? Kneel before me and pledge loyalty to the great General Kick Grabaston, and I'll show mercy to you at the hearing.
Space Force isn't going anywhere.
And neither am I.
Oh, you're going somewhere, Naird.
By the end of this hearing, I'm going to reabsorb Space Force and its budget, like the world's most powerful tampon.
[SUCKING.]
I always thought that you were a tampon.
Tampons spend all day in vaginas.
Nothing manlier, if you ask me.
All day? Five hours, tops.
Three if you have uterine fibroids.
She knows what I'm talking about.
Acknowledge my gender again, and I will fuck you in the ass.
Duly noted.
Duly noted.
[GRUNTING.]
["I CAN'T WAIT" BY NU SHOOZ PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
I can't believe this is how you spend your free time.
You know, you don't have to just sit there.
You could maybe work out, or anything.
No, I'm very aware of my options.
Thank you.
Hey, Scraps.
See any joints laying around that we could smoke? That was a great one, Julio.
[JULIO.]
I fucking nailed it! Hey.
You two.
Get back here.
Now.
Yeah, you, uh you said something disrespectful to my guest, so you're gonna take a little run.
East launchpad.
- That's very far, ma'am.
- And back.
- That's almost twice as far, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am, right away.
Running now.
So, the story behind "Scraps" is Oh, hey, I don't need to know.
[LAUGHING.]
So, I thought you'd be Miss Popular in school.
Well, uh, "DC popular" is very different - from "Wild Horse popular.
" - Ah.
In Wild Horse, what matters mostly relates to, uh, dirt bikes.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
Ability to chug Mountain Dew.
Okay, but did you even give anyone at school a chance, or did you just stroll in there like a white Malia Obama? They didn't give me a chance.
Okay? I even pretended to like hunting.
But they asked, "Hunting what?" - And then I panicked and said "whales.
" - You did not.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
Dr.
Mallory, is it? General Grabaston.
Hi.
Big fan.
- Thank you.
- Big fan.
So, how's it going at Space Force? Could be better.
[CHUCKLING.]
I bet.
Naird is a brute.
Mm.
Damn shame about the ice.
What ice? The ice that's melting everywhere on Earth.
Uh yes.
Yeah, I I care about the ice and the animals that depend on that ice to live.
Ice birds.
Ice bears.
Hmm.
You know if the committee loses faith in Naird today, I would run Space Force.
And I would have you operating with twice the funding and none of the oversight.
I'm not sure we should be having this conversation.
Oh, we're not having this conversation.
I'll see you at the hearing.
Prepare to have your mind blown.
Please be aliens.
Please be aliens.
Okay, well, not quite.
But like our aliens, we do keep it frozen and in locked containers.
Meal Armstrong's? "One small snack for a man, one large soda for mankind.
" - Wow.
- Yes! It is the best acai in Wild Horse.
Well, I mean, it's the only acai in Wild Horse.
But it is so, so good.
Hey.
I know you.
I've seen you taking a bath.
- Mm - What? Your dad has photos of you on his desk.
One when you're little and in the tub.
You're General Naird's daughter, right? Although you look, um, different in person.
Less happy? No, I think you changed your hair.
Duncan Tabner.
Sweetwater, Alabama.
Erin Naird.
Abortionville, Blue State.
Whoo! There she goes.
That was a joke.
She's joking, of course.
And I got it.
Uh, well, ladies.
Enjoy your "ack-eye.
" It'll put that two-year-old's grin right back on your puss.
My puss? Southern for "face.
" Well, it's Northern for "pussy.
" So I wouldn't go around saying that to people.
Erin Naird.
Ma'am.
Okay.
No.
Okay, I'm not mad at that.
No, he's cute, right? And he's about your age, so I'm seeing someone.
And, uh, "my age," too young for me.
Congressman Schugler.
What, no hug? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, that was awkward and horrible.
The man is about to grill you.
Let him bring it in for the real thing.
Remember, you gotta embrace to get those dollars for space.
Representative Pitosi.
What are you doing? I was just greeting you.
We don't have that kind of relationship, General.
Yes, understood.
Well done.
Earning your pay.
Maybe just play on your phone for the rest of the day.
He doesn't know how to hug.
Why am I in trouble because boomers are weird around women? Okay.
You were right.
- This acai is crazy good.
Mm-hmm.
- Right? [CHUCKLES.]
About as healthy as a bowl of grape ice cream, too.
[YURI.]
Hey, baby! You came to see Daddy at work? And also, your father? Hey.
- Hi.
- Give me a hug.
- Okay.
- [KISSES.]
- Eh - Oh, uh, this is this is Angela.
Oh, are, um are you guys doing this? - [YURI.]
Exactly, uh, right.
- Okay.
We have much cultural exchange.
- Yeah.
- [ERIN.]
Okay.
Yeah, sure.
I'm gonna I'm gonna call you later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Bye.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Nice guy.
- Don't.
- Yeah, no, feels like a good match.
- Shut up.
I mean, he's gotta be the nicest of all the creepy older Russian dudes that you could be ruining your life with, right? And, uh, who are you dating? The clutch on your helicopter? What? No, girl, I'm just jealous, okay? Look, if I could get some super snappy-dressing foreign guy to like me because of my proximity to classified information, I would totally jump at it.
[SIGHS.]
Hmm.
No panty lines on the angry young congresswoman.
You know what that means.
No panties.
They actually make panties that don't show panty lines.
Oh, you think she's wearing those types of panties? I believe there's a higher degree of probability she's wearing those type of panties than no panties at all.
Would you two stop saying "panties"? You can't give me an order, Naird.
Gentlemen they're ready for you.
Panties.
Since when did you and Kick Grabaston start hanging out and talking about women's underwear? He wanted my input.
I gave it to him.
That reminds me.
Keep quiet in there, unless I give you a signal.
Did we agree on a signal? I don't think so.
How about, "Dr.
Mallory will now explain how man and his barbaric nature will destroy space, as he has the Earth.
" Too wordy.
I'll just tap on the table twice with a pencil.
Mm.
Uh General Naird, you're asking for a 150% increase in the budget for Space Force? Uh, and that will be used To defend America.
Chairwoman, I, uh, yield the rest of my time.
[CHUCKLES.]
This, uh, budget looks A-OK to me! And, uh, General Naird, thank you.
I feel safer knowing that we have satellites that can rain God's holy hellfire upon our enemies on this majestic, flat Earth of ours.
Yes, Congressman, this Earth is certainly majestic.
And flat.
Well, jury's still out on that one.
[SNICKERS.]
General Naird, I'll take some of the gentlemen from Oklahoma's time that he yielded to ask you one brief question.
Why do you exist? The Yankees won the 1961 World Series and my parents got a little carried away with their celebration.
- [TONY LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
Okay! [PITOSI.]
Charming, but no.
I mean Space Force.
It was much cheaper under General Grabaston and the Air Force.
Cheap generals are like cheap enchiladas.
You end up paying for it on the back end.
All due respect, but under General Grabaston, our supremacy in space was eclipsed by the Russians and the Chinese.
It is my job to keep space safe for American interests.
In order to do that, I need money.
How exactly have you been making it safe? - That is top secret.
- Yes, I can see that.
Or should I say I can't see that.
Well, we are making scientific leaps that are not top secret.
Making the world a better and cleaner place.
Great.
Tell us about that.
[TAPS TABLE TWICE.]
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
- [PITOSI.]
I'm all ears.
- Yeah.
[PITOSI.]
Yeah.
Well, if you're at a loss for words, I can yield to our youngest member, who rarely is.
The committee recognizes the congresswoman from New York, Anabela Ysidro-Campos.
Yes.
- General Naird.
- Hello.
Your entire attitude seems to be, "Give us money and don't look while we militarize space.
" [CLEARS THROAT.]
Your head scientist is nodding.
It is a condition.
Drinking Bird Syndrome.
Look, space is hard.
[ANABELA.]
"Space is hard.
" If you haven't settled on a motto yet, may I suggest that that become the new Space Force motto.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well exactly.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Tap-tap.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Tap-tap.
Tap! [COUGHING.]
Tap-tap! Mmm.
Tap-tap.
Tap-tap.
Tap-tap.
[ANABELA.]
Are you okay? Tap-tap.
Just gentle.
Gentle.
Look Just gentle! What the fuck am I supposed to do? - Uh - No, seriously.
What am I supposed to do here? Do you know what it's like to have no one to talk to? I mean, if you don't have a dirt bike here or you're not sniffing glue Forget it.
Get a job.
Like where? I'm a high school junior with no skills.
Well, okay, off base, we've got the cowboy boot store down by the highway.
Uh, the best restaurant in town, also known as the strip club.
Actually, I know a place that is closer to your house that needs a sustenance procurement coordinator.
- What? - It's just military for "soft serve slinger.
" Yeah, I mean, it's either that or the strip club.
With your skinny butt, you're probably gonna make more selling soft serve.
Oh, that is until you eat enough soft serve to make more at the strip club.
It's kind of a "eat for the job you want" kind of vibe.
Mmm.
[ANABELA.]
General Naird, what is this? An orange? How much do you think it costs? - A dollar? - How much do you think it costs Space Force? - Dollar-fifty? - It costs $10,000.
- Oh, shit.
- [MURMURING.]
[ANABELA.]
As part of your resupply launch to the ISS last month, you sent up a variety of fresh, non-dehydrated foods, including one orange, at the transport cost of $10,000.
Yeah, yes.
It's been our policy since NASA to allow astronauts one pound of the food of their choice at each resupply.
Even if it's a $10,000 orange? Well, sometimes it's just not about saving money.
Sometimes it is, when it's a budget hearing.
But, please, defend it.
I wanna be able to tell my constituents on food stamps why your agency needs a $10,000 orange.
All right, I'll try.
One thing you learn in the military is that money doesn't matter.
People matter.
Thousands of people working tirelessly, day and night.
And we may have spent a billion dollars to put one astronaut in a position where they can do something that'll benefit everybody.
And that one astronaut may be a human being who is risking her life in a very dangerous pursuit.
A human being who is not doing it for the money, by the way.
A human being who is battling fear and exhaustion and uncertainty.
And who has been eating dehydrated mac and cheese, mixed with her own filtered urine, for the last month.
I want her to have a taste of the Earth.
And remember what she's fighting for.
I see billionaires in the news who look at space like it's where we're all going to go when we trash this planet.
Well, there is no substitute in space for this planet.
You cannot make an orange out of powder and urine, no matter how hard we try.
Only God can make an orange.
Well, whoever made it, we're the only place in the universe you can get it.
We better take care of this planet and the people who live here.
And what better reminder of the Earth than an orange.
Because an orange, like the Earth itself, is perfect and round.
It's a flat rectangle! [MARK.]
No, Bob, not really.
Come on.
We are putting people's lives at risk in the pursuit of science to solve our many problems.
[WOMEN CHANTING.]
You don't get to drive my vulva! You don't get to drive my vulva! You don't get to drive my vulva! You don't get to drive my vulva! No, no! This is Space Force! The Supreme Court nomination hearing is Wednesday.
[WHISPERS.]
What the fuck was that? All right, sorry.
Sorry.
- [TONY'S CAMERA CLICKING.]
- Got it.
To sum up, this country has enough wealth that we can give an astronaut who is risking her life for all of us an orange every once in a while.
Pretty words, but I'm still not hearing any specifics about the science.
How do you help my constituents on food stamps? Maybe it would be cheaper to give your constituents a nutritional paste, if all you care about is money.
Would you like us to work on that? Dr.
Adrian Mallory, Chief Scientist, Space Force.
If you want specifics, we are developing a new climate satellite that will provide such precise forecasts that the advance warning times for tornadoes and hurricanes will be tripled, potentially saving tens of thousands of American lives and hundreds of billions of American dollars in disaster relief.
Sounds wonderful.
It is.
But what if a foreign aggressor shoots that satellite down? Not every country with a presence in space believes in "good for all.
" [SOFTLY.]
Tap-tap.
Dr.
Mallory came to me recently with a project near and dear to his heart.
Something that could benefit all humankind.
I believe it involved rat diarrhea.
And I would like him to be able to continue his experiments without fear of them being destroyed.
Wouldn't you agree? General Naird, Dr.
Mallory, you may step down.
Not you, General Grabaston.
I have questions for you.
Why did you spend eight million to upgrade the F-22 with ostrich leather seats? [KICK.]
Because ostriches are feathery, like the magical Earth.