Standing Up (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 A NETFLIX SERIES Personally, when I invite a girl to a restaurant and she refuses, it's a win.
No, seriously, because even if we split 50-50, I'm still out 50, actually.
No, besides, I very rarely invite girls to restaurants because I'm I'm shy around girls.
Alright? The more I like a girl, the shyer I am around her.
Yeah, it's not helpful.
Because, if you catch my drift, my strengths with girls are my wit, my sense of humor, my comebacks.
When fear takes those strengths away from me what do I have left? My body.
No, uh, despite that, recently I was able to overcome my shyness around one girl.
I'm being truthful.
I actually went all the way to her place to bring her back her bracelet.
To be honest, I wasn't really gifting her the bracelet, because she had just forgotten it.
It was hers.
But But in my mind, I was, like, awesome.
It was better than a gift because I wasn't going into debt, and I knew for sure it was her style, so So I went over there.
Sixth arrondissement.
One of those beautiful Haussmann buildings.
Besides, given how much the bracelet cost, it was obvious she was no Cinderella.
I was Cinderella.
I needed to catch my train before midnight or I'd turn into a homeless person.
I get I get there.
I ring the bell.
And then, this lady, her very elegant mother, opens the door.
And I see I can see the shock in her eyes, if you know what I mean.
I could tell this woman, the only Arabs she's ever seen in her life are either Uber drivers or Saudi princes.
I'll let you guess which category she put me in.
The prince of Uber.
And then, she gave me 20 euros to thank me for returning her daughter's bracelet, okay? I was embarrassed, because this lady isn't my mother-in-law yet, and she's given me more cash than my parents ever did.
I froze so bad that the lady thought I wanted more.
She said, "No, don't worry.
We'll rate you five stars.
" Someone here's laughing a lot.
And, um And, uh, so the girl in question to whom I wanted to return Yeah! Actually, sorry, I haven't worked enough on this story's punchline.
Uh, so that's it.
Maybe I'll be funnier next week.
Please make some noise for Bling! Fuck! Seriously? Why did she have to be here tonight? Oh, right! The girl from the TV show.
I agree.
It's so stressful.
No, I mean the girl I talked about in my sketch.
She disappears for three weeks, and tonight I talk about her, and here she is.
- Whoa.
- Forget about it.
What TV show? What girl from what TV show? You didn't see her? She's in the back.
She works for Talk Tonight.
She's definitely here to scout.
I don't care.
I don't even like that show.
I love watching animal documentaries.
Last time, I watched something about elephants.
Those poor creatures.
There are so few of them that there are scientists whose job it is to collect their sperm to help them reproduce.
Some guy's job is to jerk off elephants.
And they say it takes between 20 minutes and a few hours.
Yeah, that's a pretty big window, ain't it? And this guy says he got knocked out by an elephant's dick.
That thing weighs 14 pounds.
Five feet long.
Give or take, like Sarkozy.
And then the guy goes home at night - Hang on.
Give it.
- Wait.
Please don't get me confused.
- That's 57.
50 each.
So you're - So I'm missing 2.
50.
Shit, guys, you suck at numbers.
- Okay.
We're good.
- Hello, hello.
- Good evening.
- Evening.
Well, uh, great work, everyone.
Thanks.
Anyway, my wife and I loved it, and I went to grab some cash to put into the hat.
- Oh! Uh, ten euros! - Yes, for everyone.
Well, uh, see you soon and hang in there.
- See you.
- See you.
Thanks, Wolf of Wall Street, you've screwed up our math.
- Good on you.
- Are you kidding me? - Bling, could we talk for a sec? - Just give me the change.
Split it by six, that's 1.
66 each.
Good evening, Bling, and well done.
Great job.
It was very well written.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
I'm Agathe Rémy-Stains.
- I work for the TV show Talk Tonight.
- That's the chick.
And we're looking for a writer for Philippe Tifflot.
That's awesome.
I love that show.
The idea is to come up with jokes about the guests.
And if it goes well, you could have your own segment on the show next to Philippe.
Are you interested? When do I start? Should I come with you now? Check it out, everyone! Drinks on me! Shit, you must have plagiarized someone.
This can't be happening.
For sure.
- Bunch of jealous dogs.
- You had an earpiece.
Hey, bro, it's all good.
We're on the show.
You are.
You got the job.
You or me, it's the same thing.
We're like a pair of balls, right? Writing for this together will be awesome! I don't know.
That kind of show isn't really my thing, you know? Making fun of anyone anytime? Hmm Hang on.
I'll give you 30%.
Thirty when I'm writing 100%.
Hey, I mean, I'm the one they chose, right, bro? - Good for you! - No, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, I won't be a cheapskate.
I'll give you half.
Okay.
Come on, let's get a drink.
Just us TV guys.
Who's drinking what? - Are you buying? - Of course.
Nezir.
Hey.
Hi.
- Nice job.
It was great.
- No, it really sucked, actually.
I don't wanna talk about it.
I'm sorry.
I know I kind of laugh like a hyena.
Well, I need to catch my train, so Wait.
I'll walk with you.
I'll come with you.
Look, I'm sorry about last time.
I kind of slammed the door.
Did you? I didn't notice.
But I wasn't expecting you to show up at my mother's place.
I didn't know what to do.
I wasn't prepared.
No, I know.
It was kind of intrusive.
In my mind it was super cute, but in reality it was scary.
That's what Jeffrey Dahmer used to say.
"In my mind it was cute, but in reality it was scary.
" Good one.
So your mother doesn't want you to do stand-up? No, my mother wouldn't understand at all.
The only humorist she likes is Molière.
Oh, right.
 Molière.
I mean, my mother's a lot to handle.
Could be inspiring for stand-up.
Yeah, I saw that.
You're not intimidated by that.
I am, I am.
I'm totally intimidated.
Yeah.
Well, I would like to make it.
Do it.
No, last time was horrible.
It didn't come out like I wanted at all.
I felt like I'd swallowed a sea urchin.
My legs were so stiff and my head was full of water.
It was horrible.
 It was horrible! Yeah, but honestly, that's normal.
The first time is like that for everyone.
- It is? - Yeah.
And then it gets worse.
Well, my public transport chauffeur is waiting for me.
- Give this back to your mom.
- No, you can keep it.
- No, no.
Go ahead.
Take it.
- Okay, sorry.
I'm sorry.
See you round.
Oh, wait! Actually, I followed you on Instagram.
I don't know if you saw me.
No, I don't think so.
I figured.
My handle is Apocalypse Cow.
Okay.
Cool.
See ya.
Mmmmm! Give Grandma a kiss.
Kiss, Grandma, bye.
Kiss, sweetie.
Come see me in Grenoble soon, okay? Yeah, okay.
Thanks a lot, Mélanie.
Okay.
Take care.
I'm sorry, Mom.
It's kind of crazy right now.
I'm performing in a 400-seat venue.
Can you imagine? 400 seats! Never had such a crowd! And it's sold out over several weeks.
I actually don't think I'm realizing it.
I talked to my neighbor.
Yeah, she saw you and told me she laughed a lot.
Oh, that's great! What about you, Mom? Did it make you laugh? - Uh, me? - Mm-hmm.
Well, baby, uh I'm happy for you, darling.
You deserve it.
That's what's important.
Mmm.
- Hi.
- Hi, Dad! How are you? I have to get going.
I'm late.
Hi, Grandpa! What's wrong with Dad? Doesn't he want to talk to me? Oh no, it's just, um Of course Dad is super upset.
Everyone saw you.
Friends, family, everyone.
And you know people gossip and all.
Mmm.
For real, your sketch was funny.
But you have to admit, it was kind of extreme.
What about you? Did it shock you? Well, it sends a good message, but, I mean See, just thinking about it makes me really uncomfortable.
So Dad you can imagine.
It's children's job to shock their parents.
- I mean, that's life.
- Yeah, yeah.
Wasn't Dad shocked by your straight, Becky-style hair? - Yeah? You want to play? - I wasn't - Hello.
- Yes, morning.
- I'm here on Mélanie's behalf.
- From Cali Prod? Yes, she told me.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Have you picked something for me? Oh, no, no.
You can take whatever you like.
And then, when you're photographed wearing the garment, onstage or in your daily life, you just mention the brand on social media.
- That's all.
Simple as that.
- Great.
I'll let you look around.
If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
- Yeah, Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.
What did she mean by that? Can I take several things? - I don't know.
It wasn't very clear.
- It's not clear.
She said "the garment.
" Ahh! Look how beautiful this is.
- Excuse me, ma'am? - Yes? This one, for example, can I take it? - Yes, you can take whatever you like.
- Ah.
Now that was clear! What do we say to the finger up the ass? - Shh! - Must behave.
Hey, you were really excited in that store for real! You're gonna look so styling people won't even be listening to your jokes.
Yeah, true.
It's so true.
- Oh shit! - What's wrong? - I lost my sunglasses.
Shit! - Wait, let's take look.
Oh, fuck.
This is such a pain.
They're brand-new.
Here, look, at one point I put stuff in your bag.
- Yes, I get it.
But look, there's nothing.
- Hey, girl.
- So stylish.
 I mean, yeah, totally! - You see? So styling! Told you.
- We need to find the glasses because - Hello.
- What exactly is going on here? - Nothing.
- Where'd you get these clothes? - Actually, they were a gift.
Wait, officers, let me explain.
You see, I lost my sunglasses I'm sorry, but what exactly do you want? Can you show us your IDs, please? - What for? Why do you need our IDs? - Ami, come on, just give it.
It's fine.
Let it go.
It's all good.
Aïssatou Gambaré? Yeah.
You're the comedian? Yeah, I do comedy.
I saw your sketch.
It's, uh I'll tell you later.
I'm glad you like it.
Who'd have thought? We make assumptions about the police and in the end And in the end Can we do a selfie? - Oh yeah! - Really? - Come here.
Right here.
- Let's go here.
- Come on.
- Let's go.
- What are you doing? - What can I do? Alright, a quick one.
- There.
Sorry! - Hey, careful.
- Yeah, there.
- Great.
Well, thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah, perfect.
Have a nice day, ladies.
- Have a nice day.
- Same, yeah.
Stay safe.
Whoops! - Bunch of clowns.
- Hey, Ami, quit it.
Why didn't you just give them some free tickets while you were at it? Did you see how aggressive you were? Would you have preferred them to tackle us on the ground in front of everyone? No, but you need to talk about this on Twitter.
People listen to you now.
You can't let stuff like this slide.
I'm not on Twitter and all that stuff.
My show is my Twitter.
Come on, they thought we were thieves! Yeah, it's true.
That'd never happen to a white woman.
- It wouldn't.
- Seriously, getting arrested for shopping.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M RE-READING MOLIÈRE, YOU? NOBODY IS HOME THIS WEEKEND.
WANNA HELP ME WITH MY STAND-UP? OKAY WHY NOT? I'M FINISHING SOMETHING AND I'LL COME SEE YOU POON No! SEE YOU SOON With some carrots.
Oh, lengthwise.
- Dad? - Yeah? I'll be out tonight.
- There's food in the fridge, okay? - Yeah, alright.
Yes, yes, yes.
Ah, are you going to meet the president or something? - No, I'm meeting a friend in Paris.
- Oh.
- It's for work, Dad.
- Right, "for work".
If she's inviting you to her place, it's not for work.
It is! It's more convenient than a coffee shop.
What? Is something wrong with my shirt, or what? Oh no.
No, no.
Your shirt is perfect, I swear.
Okay, fine.
It's not right.
Okay, I should cut Wait! If a girl is inviting you over and it's for work, then nothing makes sense anymore.
Oh, you kids.
Nothing you do makes sense.
Here, wait.
A squirt on your neck.
- Just a little.
Just a little! - No, Dad.
No, you're annoying.
Stop it! Yeah, Bling? Jeez, did you screw a train inspector or something? Yeah, that's right.
She kept her hat on.
It was hot.
Did you get my jokes about Kassovitz? Yeah, you did great, as usual, man.
Okay, I'm going.
We're gonna kill it, bro.
with my sister, we run it.
And "we" I'm the one who books the stand-ups.
- Yeah, you're the artistic one.
- Hello.
How are you, Bling? Welcome to the team.
It's a real pleasure.
It's great to have you here.
We're really pleased.
Did you see Barthès yesterday? - It was boring.
How much did he rate? - 7.
2.
Yeah, so Okay, uh, who wants to tackle the Kassovitz jokes? - Prune? - Okay.
You play a secret agent in The Bureau.
You try to control the damage caused to the French secret services' reputation Oh no, it's too long.
Too long.
It's too long.
Bling, you got something? "Mathieu Kassovitz, you're here because of your impressive career, but mostly because we hope you'll say something really stupid that will generate a huge buzz.
" See, that's funny.
I like it.
Yeah, it's good, and it's true.
- I also have this.
- Another joke.
Yeah.
"Mathieu Kassovitz, you're an excellent scriptwriter, but you don't put as much effort on Twitter.
" "For example, when you tweeted, 'Fuck French cinema.
 Go fuck yourselves with your shitty movies.
'" "Which writing class did that come from?" Oh, that's good too.
It's really, really good.
Nice job.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, Agathe? We have a problem.
Kassovitz is stuck in London.
- Oh no! - I know.
It's a pain.
Instead, we managed to get Roxana Maracineanu, the minister of sports, regarding the harassment issue.
Basically, you have three hours before the taping.
It should be alright.
Yeah, yeah.
What can I say? We'll manage.
Right, guys? You seem to be on a roll, Bling.
That's good for a baptism by fire.
Yes, of course.
Besides, I've always loved gymnasts.
Great.
Except she's a former swimmer.
- Yeah, I know.
It's a joke.
- Right.
Well, alright.
Good luck.
Get to work.
NEZ DO YOU KNOW THE MINISTER OF SPORTS? GIVE ME 2-3 JOKES PLS!!! Come on, Nez.
Fucking pick up! It's great that you came.
Coming? Should I take off my shoes? Oh no.
It's fine.
What the hell are you doing, Nez? Call me back, bro! Give me two or three jokes.
I'm screwed 'cause of you! So, um Okay, so what about you, Bling? - What do you have to offer? - Uh So this one's straight forward, like, "Mrs.
Minister, you spent 15 years swimming, now five years drowning.
" - Uh - Otherwise, this one's more of a pun.
- Mmm? - Uh, "Swimming and politics.
" "You're always treading water.
" Um or something more brutal.
I'm not in love with it.
But I'll say it just to brainstorm.
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
- Um "Basically, Romanian women in France have two options.
" "They're either whores or a minister.
" "In either case, you suck.
" Mens' dicks.
Wow, uh Wow.
I I need to make a quick call.
Hello.
Everything okay? I don't know whether to do my bit about horses, mice or cystitis.
- Cyclists.
- No.
Cystitis.
No, wait.
I'll do the mice.
I'll do the mice.
- Okay.
Let's go.
Okay.
- Let's go.
Good evening.
When I was little, I went through a phase where I was obsessed with in the insides of things.
- For example - Wait, let me stop you.
You Sit down and talk to me.
Like you're telling me a story, you know? Relax.
- You get it? Hmm? - You're right.
Act normal.
When I was little, I went through a phase where I was obsessed with in the inside of things.
For example, I really, really explored the inside of myself.
And the inside of animals too.
The first time I found a dead mouse outside my house, it was like Christmas.
I immediately cut it open and examined the inside with fascination, and then I put everything away inside a little box, which I kept, of course.
I wasn't some psychopath fiddling with animal cadavers out of pleasure.
On the contrary, I was fiddling with animal cadavers out of curiosity.
That's very different.
In one case, you end up in a Netflix documentary and in the other, you end up winning a Nobel prize.
And oddly enough, the first scenario earns you the most fame.
It's, uh That's all I've got for now.
Okay.
As in, "Okay, it sucks"? Because you didn't really laugh.
No.
No, no, no.
Uh, there's a lot of good stuff in there.
- Um - Right.
Firstly, it's really well written.
Right.
- Mmm.
It's just that - Okay, it sucks.
- It sucks.
- No.
Not at all.
Apolline.
But, it's missing a touch of universality.
- Yes? - You know.
It's too specific.
- And kind of weird.
- Well Yes, I'm specific and weird.
That's great.
Good.
But we still need to be able to relate to you, you know? And it's also normal if you're going through this.
Everyone starts out that way.
We try to stand out, to be shocking.
- We want to be like Blanche Gardin.
- To be like Blanche Gardin? Fuck.
Okay, thanks a lot.
- Wait.
Apolline.
- I'm copying Blanche Gardin? Okay.
For a beginner, it's not bad.
Okay, great.
I got it.
I have no personality.
You hungry? Yes, kind of.
You want water, or wine, or kombucha? What are you having? I don't know.
I'll call Blanche Gardin and ask her.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
And there were lots of good things, you know? No, it's no big deal.
Shit.
- It's okay, don't worry.
- I got this.
Can you get up there? Okay.
Are your shoes nearby? Yes.
In the dressing room upstairs, at the end of the hall, turn right, then left.
Okay, forget it.
I'd get lost.
Um Yeah, I have a better idea.
Better than shoes.
I mean, sorry, may I? There.
Good, right? Uh The doorbell rang.
Yes? Oh shit! Yeah, well, yes come on up.
Yeah.
It's all my girlfriends.
I'm sorry, this wasn't planned at all.
But they're really nice.
They're really nice.
You'll see.
Don't tell them I want to do stand-up, okay? Okay.
Okay.
- Hello.
- Hello! - Hi! - It's your Saturday night barge-in.
Your parents are in the countryside! Whoo! - How are you doing? Hi! - Come in, come in! I brought this! How are you? - Oh my God.
- Girls, this is Nezir.
- Hello.
- Hi there, Nezir.
- How are you? - I'm Suzanne.
Hi, Suzanne.
- Hi.
- Pleasure.
Hello, I'm Ninon! Can we talk about this guy who isn't Victor Bailly at all? I love this little house.
Wait, were you were on a date? No! Stop it.
Alright, who's drinking what? I would like some champagne, if you have any.
- Please! - Champagne! I haven't had champagne in a week, God.
- Want some champagne? - No, thanks.
I'm good.
I don't drink.
Like, never? - Yeah, never.
- Oh, you liar.
Alright, come on, give me a glass of champagne.
We drink a lot of champagne.
I haven't worn a G-string since 2017.
It's hell! I was supposed to see Lucas, but now I'm alone with an itchy butt.
Lucas who can zigzag with his dick? Triple Z Lucas? Oh man! Sorry, girls, I'm begging you.
We have a guest.
Could we not comment on all the penises in Paris if it's good with you? God knows we've seen a lot of them.
- Excuse us, Nezir.
- No, it's no problem.
- So, what do you do? - I do stand-up.
- That's so cool! - Awesome.
- Do you make a living? - I do alright.
I'm starting out.
It's been three years.
- And so, you're funny? - I try to be.
- Can you give us a taste? - Stop.
You're making him uncomfortable.
You want some Molly? No, thanks.
I'm good.
- Okay.
And you? - No, thanks.
I'm good too.
Sorry, Apolline's not having any Molly.
- Excuse me? - What? Oh my God! Nezir, I listened to a podcast on the Arabian peninsula.
So Eid varies according to the lunar cycles, is that right? Absolutely.
That's crazy, right? Just like periods.
Same thing.
- I realized it after.
- Ninon, are you wasted already? No, the Muslim calendar So, can I have a smoke? Let's go for a smoke.
It's true.
It's so crazy.
Yes! The Muslim calendar.
- Where's my champagne? - Wait, is this Molly? Yeah.
I mixed it.
Okay, I'll just have a really small sip.
Mmm.
Mmm! - Whoo! - Oh! Nezir dances like a Playmobil! Oh, that's great! Best idea of the year.
I love it.
Isn't that string of lights dangerous with the lightning? Oh my God, I love you! I'm kind of worried about the storm.
It's less risky this way.
Nezir, what are you doing? I'm trying to Just about the lights, with the lightning, you know? Wow, you are protecting us.
I took Molly.
Just a tiny bit.
I mean, just a tiny bit.
I saw that.
Oh, my goodness.
Your curls are beautiful.
I totally want to eat them.
And your eyelashes.
Wow.
I adore you, Nezir.
You're so handsome.
Alright.
Okay, look, have fun with your friends.
And I'll just go home.
We'll meet up later.
No! Stay.
I really want us to go to sleep together.
With your eyelashes and all your curls.
Another time.
It's best if I go.
I'll see you soon.
Bye, girls.
- Bye! - But we haven't eaten! Spill! What happened? You left? Well, nothing.
I don't know.
I pulled out.
Oh, Nez.
It's okay.
You'll screw her all the way next time.
I meant I pulled out.
As in, I left.
Oh shit! No, guys, I swear.
It was unbelievable.
I'm not used to that kind of party.
I wasn't ready.
For starters, I show up at the apartment That apartment.
You could take any object in there, sell it, and your family's set for five generations.
No, I wasn't prepared at all.
And at first, it was just the two of us, so it's still okay.
Then her girlfriends show up.
A flood of little princesses with old lady names.
- No.
- Daphné.
Suzanne.
Ninon! - It was too much.
- Too much what? - Too much money? - Too many women.
- Right.
- Too much hair.
Too much skin.
Too many drugs.
Too much.
Get it? - No, this is bad.
- Oh, man.
- I'm hopeless.
- Well, you kind of are.
Now she'll think I have a huge stick in my ass.
That's for sure, yeah.
Shit.
Bling left me eight messages.
I'm so disappointed I can't rely on you.
You're so unprofessional.
What exactly are you good for? Nothing except stabbing me in the back.
Nezir, if you think I'm paying you, you're delusional! Must've had a problem with the show.
Yeah.
A coke problem, you mean.
I have to call him back.
Are you serious? No, don't.
Did you hear what he just said? - Come on.
- But it could be important.
No, wait.
First of all, you're the one who should be on that show.
Not him.
Nah, that sort of thing isn't for me.
You're right.
You might become too successful.
You might even earn a living, get an apartment, invite you girlfriend over Oh no.
That would be so horrible.
Horrible! - You are so high, man.
- Not at all.
Nezir's weed didn't do anything to me.
Look.
I swear! Mmm.
Is this the right time to make a baby? You haven't told me this month.
Now it'll get side effects.
- You know that.
- That's bull.
Come on.
What is it? I don't know.
I mean, I just I'm not sure anymore.
I think, uh What do you mean? Having a second child.
You don't want to? Uh I don't know.
It's crazy what's happening right now.
I'm performing in a large venue.
I'm going on tour.
I've waited so long for this.
I've I've sacrificed so much for it.
You know? A second baby right now It's not the best time.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Do you understand? I need to experience this first, you know? Bling? Stand-up guy? - Hey! - Sir, please leave her alone.
- Thanks.
- Two whiskeys and a coke.
- I was here first.
- Thank you.
- How are you? - How's it going? Your jokes yesterday were really great.
- Congrats on the TV show.
It's cool.
- Thanks.
Excuse me.
- Hello? Excuse me.
- Hi there, can I help you? Yes.
Your wine is corked.
- I'll change it for you.
No problem.
- Thanks.
- 103.
Corked.
- It's not corked.
It's a Languedoc.
Oh, this is the same one.
It's still corked.
No, it's not corked.
Maybe you don't like Languedoc? Oh, so this is my fault? - Fine.
I'll be right back.
- Good, thanks.
And don't take forever.
Okay, it's corked.
He's been busting my balls for an hour, bro.
He's a douche.
Forget about it.
"It's corked"? It's corked? Fucking pain.
- Asshole.
- So it's corked, huh? Hey, Bling, what are you doing? Hey, don't.
What the fuck are you doing? Oh, this one won't be corked.
There you go.
This one's perfect.
It's a bit fruitier? - Yes.
- With a longer finish? Yes.
Hey, this is Ms.
Folla.
So, listen, um, in case you wanted a romantic candlelight dinner, don't bother.
Because unless I'm high on Molly with my friends, I'm not interested, so, uh Don't call me anymore, because I don't want to see you again.
I'm kidding, obviously.
Uh, yes, sorry, I'm a little Sorry.
I guess last night was kind of weird.
So, uh, I'd really like to see you again or even talk.
Hey, this is Ms.
Folla.
So, listen, um, in case you wanted a romantic candlelight dinner, don't bother.
Because unless I'm high on Molly with my friends, I'm not interested.
So, uh Don't call me anymore, because I don't want to see you again.
Ahh! - What is it, Dad? - It's, uh There was a message on the On the phone here.
It was a woman's voice, and then she Then she disappeared all of a sudden.
- But I didn't touch anything, I swear.
- What do you mean, Dad? - I swear, I didn't touch anything.
- Don't swear, Dad.
A message doesn't just disappear by itself, so you touched it.
Dad, it's deleted now.
I can't hear it.
What did it say? Uh, she said Well, it wasn't very nice.
She said that you should forget about her.
And that she She didn't want She doesn't want to see you again.
- Are you sure? - Oh yes.
She said, "I don't want to see you again.
" There.
I recently went shopping with my sister.
And we got stopped by the police right outside the store, with all our shopping bags.
Sorry, ladies, but nobody would ever be suspicious of a white woman for too much shopping, right? When you're white, the only person who can stop you shopping is your banker.
You know what? It made me think of Pretty Woman.
I mean, if Julia Roberts had been Black the movie would've lasted five minutes.
She leaves the store with her shopping bags.
Bam! She ends up in custody, and it's all over.
End of the movie.
Roll the credits.
But maybe it was my fault, you know? How could I have forgotten that I'm Black? I need to be reminded sometimes.
I've never walked in front of a mirror and gone, "Oh fuck!" No! "Fuck! Aïssatou, you scared the hell out of me!" "Don't ever do that again!" But we do have a good way of reminding people of their color in France.
It's called the police.
In fact, if you're ever in doubt about what color you are, just go out, talk to a police officer and say, "Hello!" If they say, "May I help you?" you are white.
No.
Wait, wait.
No, no, no.
If you go up to a police officer and say, "Hello," it means you're white, okay? We don't talk to them.
We talk to them a little when we say, "I can't breathe.
" No.
Yeah, you're right.
That's in the United States.
Here in France, we say, "Could you remove that club from my anus, please?" "Because, if you don't mind" "I mean, that would be nice.
" "Thanks.
" No, for real, you shouldn't generalize.
Only 67% of police officers voted for the far right.
67%.
It's fine.
It's not a lot, right? It doesn't prove anything about any hypothetical racism within the police.
Right? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- That was great.
- Oh, great.
You okay, Laurent? - Good, and you? - Great.
Mmm.
So? What I saw, is it part of your show? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I was testing a few new jokes tonight, but, yes, I'm keeping most of them.
It was long.
I thought.
- You think so? - Oh yeah.
Honestly, I thought the crowd was laughing a lot.
Not that much.
- Meh.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I don't know.
Aïssa, your show isn't a political rally.
Honestly, people want to laugh.
To relax, to unwind, you know? They come to see you, they come seeking your smile, your shine, you know, your pep.
Keep talking about fingers up the ass instead of knees on the neck.
That's what people are expecting.
Oh yeah? Did you actually ask them? Who said that? No.
What are you trying to do? Make it awkward? You want your audience to feel awkward, is that it? Our job is to remain accessible.
After the show, we want people to want you to be their best friend, you know, not the annoying bitch who ruined their mood for the night.
And listen, I've been doing this job for 20 years.
How about a little trust, huh? Because in order to afford losing a good part of your audience, first you need to have an audience.
You're lucky enough to be having an extraordinary moment.
I mean, I swear, all eyes are on you.
I mean, yeah, I promise, Aïssatou, trust me.
Your future success is potentially enormous.
And you You want to risk ruining it all - by trying to be Angela Davis.
- Yeah, well - It's moronic.
- This way, ladies and gentlemen.
It absolutely is.
Think it over.
Good evening.
As soon as we criticize anything, either we're communitarian or playing the victim.
It's exasperating.
Hey now! What's this big creature wrapped around me? There's some leftover pasta.
Want me to reheat it for you? No, no, I'm good.
I'm good.
He spoiled my appetite.
And he tells me this three days before my opening at Palais des Glaces.
It's stressing me out.
I don't want to cut that sketch.
I'm doing it anyway.
I'll tell you what you should do.
Keep the cops, cut the prostate.
Enough! Enough! I don't believe you.
He couldn't have.
You want me to describe his dick or something? I'm telling you, I saw him.
Give me a little credit.
- It's not possible.
- Coco.
Stop protecting him, please.
I'm sorry, but your brother is a real lunatic.
Honestly, let me tell you, next time, If you don't do anything, I'll take care of him.
I thought the TV show would help.
I had a good feeling.
I don't understand.
But, sweetheart He got fired.
What? Well, Malik told me earlier.
I thought you already knew about it.
Oh shit.
I'm sorry.
Of course.
- It's good.
- Nez.
My bit about the cops is funny, right? - It's awesome.
- Yeah, it's good! - Good? Okay.
- Yeah.
It's not super hilarious, but that's okay.
You don't have to make one joke after another all the time, you know? So it's not funny at all? - No, it's fine! It's fine.
- It's great.
Hey, so it's a complete full house, and there are still people calling me last minute to confirm.
It's total chaos.
I think she just said it's a completely full house.
There are still seats in my name.
Give them away.
I already gave them away to JDD and Grazia who showed up at the last minute.
There are no more seats.
I don't know what to do.
Give them folding seats.
Who cares? JDD, Grazia! Journalists and everything! Is it time? Come on, guys, let's go! - Let's go, let's go! - Yes! No, but No, but, it's my fault.
How could I have forgotten I was Black? You know, I never get up in the morning and walk in front of the mirror and go, "Oh fuck!" "Oh fuck, Aïssatou, you're looking really, really Black today.
" Huh? "Don't ever do that again.
" No, but But It's convenient.
Because we have a good way to tell what color we are in France.
It's the police! The pigs, yeah! Mmm No, I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
Um, I'd rather quote my mother.
You know, she always told me, "Honey, black goes with everything.
" Right? Thank you very much.
I'm Aïssatou Gambaré.
Thank you, Palais des Glaces.
Thank you! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
You must be exhausted from having studied all weekend, sweetheart.
Oh, I'm alright.
By the way, did you see the list of apartments in London I sent you? Yes, yes.
They're nice.
And did you see? One of them is right next to Christie's offices.
- It'll be convenient.
- Mmm, yeah.
You know, Mom, I wanted to tell you, actually, I'm not really sure anymore that, um That what? I mean, I would like to think about what I really want to do.
Meaning? I don't exactly know.
But, see, I went to prep school, and then I went to university, then I did my five years at the École du Louvre, and Sometimes, I think I might like to, uh try something else.
Um I mean, go off-track for a little a bit.
You know what this is, huh, Apolline? It's your pill box? No, doubting now.
At the last minute.
You're rejecting adversity.
There.
I can't believe it.
I don't understand.
Oh, come on.
 Pierre-Emmanuel, did you take my burgundy velvet case? You're afraid because exams are coming up, that's normal.
Oh no, don't tell me I forgot it in Noirmoutier.
Pierre-Emmanuel! Ah! Pierre-Emmanuel! Fra Angelico.
Fuck.
Miss? Come see me after the exam.
Thank you.
So you're going to be summoned to meet with the disciplinary commission.
You'll receive a confirmation by certified mail detailing the facts you stand accused of.
- Miss.
Listen to me.
It's important.
- Sorry.
At best, you risk being reprimanded and your exam will be declared void.
At worst, you'll be banned from taking exams for five years.
- Now, of course, you can immediately - The Thebans.
It was The Thebans.
APOCALYPSE COW Show love Like there's nothing left to lose Why don't we eat rabbit anymore? - I miss it.
Ah! - Ah! So how did it go, Apolline? What? - It went well.
- Oh! - There you go.
There you go! Of course.
- I knew it! - Talent.
Congratulations.
- You've worked so hard, darling.
- I'm so proud of you.
- You can't second-guess yourself anymore.
You sure that you're in love with me? You sure there's nothing left to see? Yes, Agathe.
Good evening, this is Nezir Bourouissa.
Um, I'm just giving you a quick call because you came to see me perform I mean, you saw me perform at the Drôle last week.
And, um, I know you're looking for a writer for the TV show Talk Tonight.
I'm interested.
Um, So don't hesitate to call me back if you'd like to meet.
Why have you been talking about rabbit all day? I saw Pasquillo bring a big one home Don't weigh me down Don't weigh me down Do you want a piece of my love? If you want my love Come and get it Do you want a piece of my love? If you want my love Come and get it Well, time's a healer But sometimes it's just standing still Stops moving like a mangled wheel Don't weigh me down Don't weigh me down Don't weigh me down Do you want a piece of my love? If you want my love Come and get it Do you want a piece of my love? If you want my love Come and get it