Stark Raving Mad (2002) s01e03 Episode Script

Jake, where is Ian? He went for coffee.
Well, you typed this.
Why did we change Lily's name to "Renska"? He said he wanted something sexier.
What's sexy about "Renska"? Well, for one thing, she's stacked.
She was stacked when she was Lilly.
Yeah, but a Lilly wouldn't be stacked! Just for your information, and I'm saying this only to prove a point my grandmother is named Lilly and she happens to be quite bucksome.
Like how big? I'm not going to discuss this! Not that big.
Where does Ian get coffee? The "Seven Seas" coffeeshop, accross the Crysler building.
Thirty blocks! There's a million coffeeshops here and there.
Why would he go all that way? Henry, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I was still thinkin about your grandma! All the way to the Chrysler building just for coffee? You came all the way down here just to annoy me? And to brag about his hot grandma! There must be 10 coffeeshops on this street alone.
But I like that one.
Alright, fine.
Whatever.
I'm sorry, it's just weird! It doesn't make sense to go so far for something you find on any corner! -Where did you get that shirt? -This? London.
No! No! Totally different! I have arm length issues that cannot be addressed in this country.
I found this shirt in the elevator.
I think it's a lady's.
Whatever! I'm not trying to obsess over the crazy way you do things! Why did you change Lilly's name to "Renska"? I don't know, Henry.
I just don't like it.
-There has to be a reason.
-Alright, then.
If you must know it's because I just feel that the names which end with "y" are weak, Henry.
S S t S t e S t e f S t e f a S t e f a N S t e f a N i S t e f a N i a I'm not eating here! Come on! I just stood through 4 hours of incomprehensible avant-guard theatre for you! For us, Henry! All the New Yorkers take advantage of cutting-edge culture for revolutionary artists, like that hairy man with his horrible penuts! -Sit anywhere you like.
-Thank you! Go, go, go! Ian eats here every morning.
I'm trying to form a bond with him.
I would like to walk in tomorrow and say "Hey, I tried your favorite place and it's a little jewel".
Henry, I'm sticking to something.
What is that? -Is it gum? -I don't think so.
Then what is it? Yes, yes.
It's gum.
Are you ready to order? Today's special is Kishka.
-Kishka? -I'll go get some.
Um, as delicious as that sounds Hello? I'm starving.
-What's kishka? -I have no idea.
But it sounds good.
No, it doesn't! Creme-broulee sounds good.
Kishka sounds like something you got burned off with a laser! Honey, Ian swears by this place.
He loves the food.
-Here you are! -Oh.
Kishka for two.
Get them water, Renska.
Wait.
Excuse me.
-Your name is Renska? -Yes.
Oh my God, that's it.
Ian doesn't come here for the food.
Oh God, no! I'm a friend of Ian Stark.
He comes here every morning.
A moustache, dark hair sometimes writes into his notebooks.
Oh, I know who you mean.
He always sits so long at the counter.
I probably shouldn't say anything, but he's a writer and he named a character in his book after you.
He named a character after me? He sure did.
But he doesn't even talk to me.
He is shy.
Oh, that is so cute! He is shy to talk to me? -Francis.
A writer likes our Renska? -You.
The boy is honest or he's telling stories? Oh, I'm sure it's true! Huh? Swallow already.
It's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
What is Kishka? Stuffed cow intestine.
It's not funny! -Okay.
-And this isn't gum! Coming, coming, coming, coming! Toothpaste! I need toothpaste! Hi, Tess.
Where's Ian? I don't know.
I just got back and Maddie had to work so I went to her Philosophy class to take notes for her.
What are you guys doing here? Then again what are any of us doing here? Oh! This isn't toothpaste! I gotta throw that blue stuff out, now that Edgar stopped dragging his butt across the carpet.
So I found out why Ian goes to that diner.
-Why? -There's a really pretty waitress there.
And her name is Renska.
He never told me that.
Kinda shy, but she's really sweet.
I can't believe he never told me that.
That's why he goes there.
He likes her.
Wow! He never told me any of this! -Henry? -I thought we were friends, man! So what are you doing here? Tess and I just came back from your diner.
And I think I understand why you go there, now.
Why that? Renska! -Huh? -You know The hostess with the mostess! The waitress with the mostess.
-What are you talking about? -The one you named your character after.
The one you walk thirty blocks to see, every morning.
I don't walk to see her.
I got sick of the name Lilly.
I heard the name Renska and I like it.
That's it.
That's not it.
You have a thing for her.
No, I don't! I named a character after Micky the midget down at the news stand.
I don't have a thing for him.
Don't call him a "midget".
He likes to be called a "little person".
Oh, yeah.
I bet that makes his day! So, you have no feelings, whatsoever, for Renska? No, I told you! Wait a minute.
You didn't say anything to her, did you? Me? Of course not! Like I would do that! Good.
Although she is quite a catch! I'm sure with a little make-up and a shower Henry, I'm not interested.
What I like about that place is that I'm anonymous.
I go there I have my food and I come back ready to work.
I would never risk screwing that up.
Hello, Ian.
Hello, cupcake.
Thanks for the restaurant recommendation.
I begged Henry to leave, but he had to talk to that waitress and find -What was for dessert.
-What are you doing? This is a dog toy! I am not putting another thing in my mouth for a week! Have a nice night, Henry! Where do you think you're going? I was just gonna sit at the counter.
You don't sit at the counter.
The counter is for filth.
Who's talking to you? Anna! He's here! Come on! Be comfortable! Here's the writer's coffee.
And here is the writer's food.
Thank you, that's very nice, but I really like sitting Ren, what are you waiting for? Mom, I can't work in this.
He comes to see you everyday.
You should dress up for a change.
-What's that? -Renska, you sit here -Ah, no.
I don't -Nice.
And we'll slide in over here.
Tell us about that book you're writing.
You know, the one about our Renska! Hey, Jake, quick.
Can I get my Philosophy notes? I didn't need to take notes.
We had a test.
I missed a test? They didn't tell us about a test! Don't worry, we graded well.
You got a 96.
Really? It's amazing! Out of a hundred, right? It's a philosophy class, so I just applied my philosophy to the test.
You have a philosophy? Yeah.
Always sit next to the Korean kid.
Oh, and we filled a teacher's evaluation.
Don't worry.
I gave your professor a great write-up.
Wait.
We're talking about my professor here? Fordisson James? -That's the one.
-Oh! God! That guy is the worst.
He's a puppet blowheart! Damn! That's what the Korean kid wrote! Hey! There you are! What did you do? -Practically, nothing.
-What did you do? I told Renska that you liked her.
-And? -And that -you named a character after her.
-And? And that you'd asking her out real soon.
You didn't! --Ah, stay calm.
-I'm not gonna stay calm! Actually, I was talking to myself! This is bad! This is very bad! -I'm not gonna be able to write! -What? I'm not gonna be able to write, don't you get it? I need my morning ritual! Long walk there, coffee, frizzler, long walk home touch my tongue to the ladder and start work.
Every morning, the same thing.
Long walk, coffee, frizzler, long walk, tongue-ladder, start work! I don't want it.
I need it! It's what makes me normal! -I'm sorry.
-Don't be sorry! Just fix it! Or I could blow apart! And trust me this puzzle has a lot of jagged pieces! Don't you think you're overreacting? You'd better be talking to yourself again! Hey, Maddie.
Isn't that your Philosophy teacher? Oh God! He must have figured out you took the test for me! Oh man! I'm toast! No, wait.
You're toast.
Miss Keller! Hello, Mr James.
This is very embarassing.
I should think so! That evaluation trully made me blush! It's not every day a teacher gets such flattering praise from a student! Apparently nobody does it better.
One second! What the hell did you write in that evaluation? Nothing! I said he was a great teacher.
Oh! And that he reminded me of James Bond.
James Bond?! Yeah, yeah.
You know, he's so swav and devin-ary.
He's got all those cool gadgets, like the laser pointer and that secret chalk wall that slides up behind him.
And when he used the eraser, did he remind you of Houdini? So, can I get you something? Pineapple juice.
Shaken.
Not stirred.
So, how long have you been in the United States? Oh, my whole life.
Born in Queens.
Queens? But your accent Oh, picked that up at Oxford.
Never been able to shake it.
How long were you at Oxford? A semester.
Cheers to you! Lovely License to spill! I'll just get a towel.
Oh, gross! He's hitting on me! So? I mean he's a smart guy and he's got that great accent.
He comes from Queens! Royalty noble! Ian? Yeah.
I fixed it.
I went to the coffeeshop, I explained the situation and they seemed very understanding.
And I can go back there tomorrow? Yes.
It will be just the way it was? Yes.
Stop making such a big deal out of this.
Why are you sitting in the dark? You don't look like it.
Turn on the light.
That's why.
You're quite smashing and vivid.
I suppose this comes as new surprise.
Well, you're a splendid chap but I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm dating you for a good grade.
Oh, I think everybode knows you are not getting a good grade.
-What are you doing? -I think I very much want to kiss you now.
Okay, that's it.
I didn't write that evaluation.
I beg your pardon? I sent a friend to take notes for me and he got a little carried away.
So -you were never attracted to me? -Sorry.
Oh, God! This is embarassing! I thought this is what you wanted.
All that James Bond piffle! Oh, dear Heavens! What you must think of me! -No, it's ok.
It's my fault.
-No, no, no.
It's my fault.
You are the prettiest woman who ever walked into my classroom.
I never dreamt you'd go out with someone like me.
Then, I got that evaluation I hope you forgive me and I'll see you in class.
Or maybe you could stay and we could talk some more.
Really? When you're like this, you seem like a nice guy.
I am! I am a nice guy! And just be yourself, okay? Okay! This is such a relief! I can be honest with you! I'd like that.
I am wearing a full set of women's undergarment.
I gotta get into a real school! What can I get you? I'll have a fizzler.
Today you want the fizzler, but maybe tomorrow the fizzler is not good enough! -No, no.
I just -You want the fizzler? Here's your sticking fizzler! And some coffee? Pour a little coffee for the man who has broken our Renska's heart! Oh, God.
Didn't my friend explain Yes, you coward, Mr.
Fancy Shoes sending that nice boy to break our Renska's heart! Look, I just do this thing every morning.
You see long walk, coffee, fizzler -break a young girl's heart! -No.
I never meant to.
I just wanted my long walk, coffee, fizzler Go on, get out! Out! Out! There you go, Henry.
-Did you remember the -Grape spoon? -And the -Hot sauce? -And the apricot marmelade! -Apricot marmelade! You! We're closed.
Listen, when I dropped by yesterday, perhaps I didn't convey the gravity of the situation.
This man is innocent.
He's been unfairly persecuted.
As immigrants yourselves, you can empathize with his plight as perhaps you were forced to leave your country under similar circumstances.
Circumstances? It was cold! Now, you go! No, no! I'm not going anywhere! I didn't do anything wrong! Every morning, for the last 3 years, this is how I start my day.
I've always paid my bill, I've always left a nice tip, I was always polite and now, you tell me I can't come here anymore? I tried to stay away, but I just can't! So now, I I'm gonna go over here go sit at my usual stool and I'm gonna wait here very quietly until I get my fizzler.
Thank you.
You know, it's not that I mean I know.
You're very nice.
It's just -this whole dating thing -I know.
And your family I know.
You know, she's got a sister!