Starstruck (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
- Oh, that's fine, hon.
Of course.
Oh, I completely understand.
Honestly, fine, please.
Yeah, we will.
All right, love you. Bye.
[screaming]
[footsteps descending stairs
- What happened? What happened?
- Charlotte's pulled out.
- Oh, my Go--I thought
you'd hurt yourself.
- She ate some old rice,
and now she says
she's too sick to come.
[scoffs]
I knew she'd fucking do this.
- This specifically?
- Don't eat rice
from the fridge
if you don't know how long
it's been there.
I mean, she's probably lying,
isn't she?
That would be just like her.
- Let's get you up.
All right, come on.
- Our numbers are all out now.
We may as well cancel.
See, this is why
I don't throw parties--
because nobody gives a shit.
- Okay, we can't cancel now.
Everyone's on their way.
- Oh, my God.
Call Dan.
- [chuckles] No.
- Why not?
- Because he's got
a girlfriend!
- Oh, he was over
the other night.
- Mm--they're open.
- Christ,
what's that mean, then?
- It means that, uh,
he's in love with her
but actually has sex with me.
- Well, that's perfect.
You look like
a total slut tonight.
- Oi!
- The tits!
- Well--
Good point, actually.
No, no, no, no.
I'll call Joe.
I'll call Joe.
- Really?
- Yeah, he's always keen
to hang out.
- Joe. Joe.
- [sighs] Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Joe.
We're doing this murder-mystery
party thing at our house,
and, um, I thought
you might be free tonight?
You are?
Great. Fantastic.
- Tell him to bring a chair.
- Sorry. What?
- We don't have enough.
- What were we gonna do before?
- I don't know, take turns
on the ones we have.
- Uh--sorry, yes.
Uh, can you bring a chair?
This is a very weird question.
Yeah.
Great.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
- Okay, great.
See you soon.
[indistinct chatter]
- I'm so sorry.
I have to go.
[soft music]
♪
- It's okay.
[lively jazz music]
♪
[indistinct chatter]
- [French accent]
Little welcome treat?
- Much obliged.
Merci beaucoup.
So where were you on the night
of the murder?
- I was in the kitchen.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- Um, so how do you
know Jessie?
- Yeah, we--
we went to school together.
- Ah, okay. Okay.
- Yeah.
Didn't actually
get along that well.
- Oh, right,
what--what did you--
what sort of arguments
did you have? [chuckles]
- Um, not so much--
I stole money from her.
- Okay.
- Did I find
my own fingerprints?
- Mm.
- No.
- I'll get back to you later.
- Okay.
- Well
Hello, there, little missy.
I can't help but notice
you're left-handed
the same as the killer.
- Are you done?
- Play along.
- Go away.
- What's your issue?
- What?
- Nothing.
That a wig?
- Are you a fan
of British comedy?
- Yeah. Yeah.
[Cockney accent]
You haven't seen British comedy
until you've seen Manuel
absolutely struggle
with some plates.
- [chuckles]
"Fawlty Towers." Very good.
- That's right, yeah.
- It's like we're so glued
to our phones,
we can't even look at someone
face-to-face anymore.
- Mm. Completely.
You know, even just yesterday--
- Yeah, it's like
we've been conditioned
to become these, like,
narcissistic mindless freaks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Or rewarded with likes.
It's an addiction.
Sorry, do you need any help
in here?
- I'm good.
Thank you.
That's mighty kind of you.
You like the red wine?
- It's good for a cheap wine,
I guess.
- Different strokes.
- Yeah.
- [American accent]
Well, it can't have been me.
I was visiting the apothecary.
Apothecary.
Apothecary.
Apothecary.
[sighs]
[normal voice]
Okay if you're busy.
Jesus Christ,
what have you done?
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting into character.
- Well, can you hurry up?
I think I might actually
kill Sarah at this party.
- [American accent]
Sounds like that there may be
two murders on our hands
this evening.
- What was that?
- What?
- Don't do that voice
out there.
Please don't do that voice.
Don't do it.
- [normal voice] Okay!
[inquisitive music]
[sighs]
♪
Oh!
Oh, oh.
♪
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Sorry, is this Jessie?
It's Tom.
- Tom!
Of course, sorry.
I, uh, I just obviously--
what I did--
I didn't save your number
in my phone,
so it just kind of came up
as a random number instead.
How are you, pal?
- Uh, yeah, I'm good.
Hey, sorry to call
out the blue.
Are you up to anything
right now?
- No. No. No. Um, w-why?
- I have this audition
I've got to do.
- Congratulations?
I--
- The character's Australian.
- Oh, gross.
- Yeah, yeah, right.
- [chuckles]
- Um, well,
you're the closest I've got
to an Australian, I mean,
and, um,
I-I just thought maybe
you'd be able to tell me
if I'm completely embarrassing
myself with this accent.
- [chuckles]
Okay.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
I mean
Oh, you mean come over now?
- Yeah.
I-I know it's short notice,
but, um, I don't know,
I-I just thought m-maybe
you'd be keen--
uh, to record it, I mean,
to--to help me.
[stammering]
- Mm-mm-mm, yeah, yeah, no, no.
Um, yeah, sorry, of course.
Come on over.
I mean, like
[laughs]
That's totally fine.
Yeah.
- Great.
Okay, thanks.
- Cool.
[laughs] I mean--
I mean, I'm always keen
to help an old cobber
if he's in a bit of a pickle.
[chuckles]
- Actually, I've just
remembered I'm busy tonight.
I'm kidding.
- Of course.
Yeah, sorry, sorry.
[laughing]
I'll see--I'll see you soon.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
All right, bye!
- Bye.
- Bye-bye, bye, bye.
♪
- [exhales deeply]
- [laughing]
[groaning]
That's fine.
That's--yeah.
[phone buzzes]
- Hello?
- Hi, it's Joe.
- Quick, get in
before anyone sees.
- Yeah.
- Why have you brought
two chairs?
- Didn't know what kind
you'd want.
- Christ.
- [sighs]
- Ah! Joe, hi.
[chuckles]
Thanks for coming.
- I wouldn't miss it
for the world.
[both chuckle awkwardly]
Um, we actually
have met before.
- No costume.
- I-I didn't really have time.
I--
- Your character
is Baroness von Humperdinck,
a socialite
with a checkered past.
[grunts]
Right. Wow.
Well, I'll try
and fit this through.
- I don't know
if she likes me.
- I don't think she does.
- Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
- [French accent]
How can you say
that I am the murderer
when at the same time
as the murder,
I caught these two
in the early stages of coitus?
Both of you!
- Ooh!
- How do you explain that?
- [Cockney accent]
I hardly know this bird.
I was portside,
swabbing the deck.
- So sorry, I can't understand
what accent
you're trying to do.
- Right, well, it's a Cockney.
It's clearly a British
Cockney accent.
- That was Cockney?
- Yeah, that was, actually.
- Excuse me,
there has been a murder.
Nobody is doing an accent,
so let's focus on the murder.
- Yes. The murder.
- [American accent] Well,
I certainly have an alibi.
You see, I was down
at the old mill.
'Cause I'm an oil man,
I was searching for oil.
Oil mill, so I am spoken for.
Much obliged.
- Those accents,
you're fine with, though.
- Yeah, I can understand
good accents.
[phone buzzes]
- I've got it.
- Who's that, then?
- I'll get it.
- If that's Charlotte,
tell her she's trespassing.
- It says here at 8:55 a.m.,
the kitchen boy
found a bloody cummerbund
on the cellar floor.
- [Australian accent]
G'day, mate.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Wow, uh,
what are you wearing?
- Oh! [laughs]
This--this old thing?
Uh, no, we're just having
some friends over for dinner.
Just a casual thing.
- Okay, uh, is it still
all right for me to come in?
- Of course. Yeah, totally.
[chuckles]
What are these?
- Oh, uh, yeah.
I, um, I didn't want to
turn up empty-handed,
and these are the only things
I've seen you eat,
so they're for you.
- Oh.
[laughs]
Oh, that's so sweet.
Wow.
Let's get these in some water,
shall we?
[indistinct chatter]
- Your weapon card.
You've got the weapon card,
so you keep that.
- Oh, yeah,
there's a main course, yes.
- Hi, guys, sorry. This is Tom.
Tom, this is everybody.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey.
- Well, Tom.
- Hi, Tom.
- Oh, my God, Tom, hi!
How are you?
I'm so glad to see you!
Are you, um,
coming to my party?
- Good thing I brought
two chairs. [chuckles]
Or you'd have been
on the floor, mate.
- Oh, my God,
I'm sorry, he's not,
um, staying for the party,
he's just here
to record something,
so he's gonna be really quick.
My room, up the stairs
on the right.
- We're in the middle
of a game.
- I'm not the murderer.
It's fine.
[all groan]
- What?
Okay, so that ruins everything.
- Just get a grip, okay?
Look, you should all
be ashamed of yourselves.
We're all nearly in our 30s.
♪
- Was that Tom Kapoor?
[all agreeing]
- Be classy. Please.
- No, that's weird.
[clears throat]
- Hi. [laughs]
- Hi.
- This is my room.
- It's very nice.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
I'll give you the grand tour.
Um
This is a plant
I've recently killed.
- Oh, yeah,
that looks really dead.
- Yeah.
[chuckles]
- Thank you for doing this,
by the way.
It's really helpful.
- No, that's fine.
It's good to have an excuse
to get away
from everything
downstairs, so
- Right, well, I promise
it'll be over quick.
I actually have a super early
flight tomorrow, so
- Sure, I--
yeah, and I've, um,
got to reset the mousetraps
in the kitchen
tomorrow morning as well,
so we've both got big days.
- Right, yeah.
[both chuckle]
- Should we, uh--
- Yeah, sorry.
[both stammering]
- He had sex with Jessie.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
- Was it on purpose?
- Don't say it like that!
- I'm not saying it like
anything--I'm just surprised.
- I'm more surprised
she's into him.
- Well, that's stupid.
He's stunning and rich.
- Yeah, did you smell him?
He smelled so good.
Yeah, rich people
always smell good.
- I don't think Jessie's
the kind of person
who goes for that
sort of stuff.
- Every person looks
for that sort of stuff.
There's no other stuff.
- How old is he?
- He's 32.
I've already checked.
- He's probably lying.
Celebrities always do that.
- He actually plays squash
at my club.
- [gasps]
- No.
- How could you not
tell me that?
[laughs]
Oh, my God.
- I thought I mentioned it
the--the other day.
- And action.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Should I say "action"?
That's--what is--
what's industry standard?
- Don't say "action."
- Don't say "action."
Got it.
Okay, thank you.
Sorry, I've got
the first line.
Sorry, sorry.
[stammers]
Okay, I won't say "action."
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I'll just do the line.
Ah, okay.
So, all right.
Okay.
- Okay.
[clears throat]
- With all due respect,
Mr. Ashton,
if you think you can come here
and demand the plans
for the Willoughby Farm,
you are sadly mistaken.
- [Australian accent]
I'm not asking. I'm telling.
[normal voice] Jessie.
- Sorry. Sorry!
- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- What's up?
- I don't want to freak
about that--
that was really good.
That was just, um--
- Okay, don't act so surprised.
- I'm not surprised, I'm
just--
I'm impressed. I'm impressed.
Whoo. Okay.
- Okay.
- I've heard it once now,
so I can jump in.
- Yeah. Fine. Cool.
- Okay. Here we go.
With all due respect,
Mr. Ashton,
if you think you can come here
and demand the plans
for the Willoughby Farm,
you are sadly mistaken.
- [Australian accent]
I'm not asking. I'm telling.
- I can't--well,
I won't be told anything.
- You misunderstand.
This is a courtesy.
I'm not waiting
for your permission.
- [laughs]
- [normal voice] Come on!
- I just--it's so good
that it's freaking me out.
Okay, okay, we'll do it again.
- Okay, fine. One more?
- Professional. I'm sorry.
- Yeah. Okay.
- This is the one.
Okay. Here we go.
- Whew.
[clears throat]
- With all due respect,
Mr. Ashton,
if you think you can come here
and demand the plans
for the Willoughby Farm,
you are sadly mistaken.
- [Australian accent]
I'm not asking. I'm telling.
- I won't be told anything.
- You misunderstand.
This is a courtesy.
I'm not waiting
for your permission.
Move aside, Mr. Mayor.
- He's the mayor?
- [normal voice] Jessie!
- Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
- Come on!
- That's just a big plot point.
- Okay, give me the phone.
- No, no, no, no, no.
[muffled voices]
- One more.
- I promise. I promise.
- You get one more shot.
- Yes.
- Okay. Sorry, just really--
- [laughs]
- He's the mayor?
That's insane.
- Yeah, I know,
it's a wild plot twist.
- Wow--okay.
- I'm gonna ask if he wants
to stay for dinner.
- Yes.
- Oh, such a nice touch.
- Do it.
Jessie will be mortified.
- It's fine.
I'll be chill.
- Are we done playing
the murder mystery game?
Can--can I take this
hat off now?
- No!
- I thought that was just
what you normally wear.
I thought you looked
really good, actually.
[indistinct chatter]
- You misunderstand.
This is a courtesy.
- I think
these are pretty good.
You seem Australian.
- Now all I have to do is
master the New Zealand accent.
- [laughs]
Can't be done. Don't even try.
- [New Zealand accent]
Can't be done. Don't even try.
- Okay.
You're good.
I can't believe you can just
watch yourself back like that.
- Comes with the job, I guess.
- I would hate to watch myself.
- Why?
- 'Cause I'd hate to just
look at my own face.
[chuckles]
- I think you have a nice face.
- [chuckles]
That's a lovely thing to say.
If only I respected
your opinion.
- Oh.
- [chuckles]
[knock at door]
Mm.
- [chuckles awkwardly]
Can I talk to you
for a second?
[door closes]
- What do you want?
- How's it going in there?
- Fine. Yeah.
Is that all you called me
out here for?
- Is Tom staying for dinner?
- No.
He's probably, yeah, gonna go.
- Oh. Probably.
- Yeah. I think so.
- Okay.
Oh.
- Hmm.
- What are you--
Don't. Don't. Don't!
- Tom, uh, Jessie and I
were wondering
if you wanted
to stay for dinner.
- Uh, yeah. That'd be great.
Thanks.
- Great!
[both laugh]
I'll make up a place.
See you out there.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Kate.
You totally don't have to stay.
- No, no, please. I'd like to.
- Great. Gr--yeah.
- Let me just
- Oh, no, you don't
have to do that.
- Well, you never know.
Might save him.
- Mm. Thanks.
That's actually a she,
though, so
- [laughs]
- Hurry up.
Everyone give a spoon.
- Quickly.
Quick as you can, please.
Okay.
Joe?
It looks as though
he has enough there.
[jazz music playing]
♪
[plates clattering lightly]
- Do you want some bread, Tom?
- Yes, how old are you, Tom?
- Um, no, I'm good for bread.
Thank you.
Could I get
some more parsley, though?
- Oh, of course.
- I'm joking.
- He's jok--
- There's actually a lot.
[all chuckle]
Really impressive.
- No one else thought
that was rude?
- Shut up.
- I didn't.
- Yeah.
- Reese Witherspoon!
- No, it's not
Reese Witherspoon.
- Natalie Portman!
- What is this game?
- A celebrity is
coming to dinner,
but will they fit
through the door?
- The Duchess of Cambridge!
- Who?
- So we have to guess
who they are
based on their height?
- Yes.
- What if they don't fit?
- Then they're not
invited to dinner.
Jason Statham!
- No, it's not Jason Statham.
- Ooh, ooh, Reese Witherspoon!
- Shia LaBeouf!
- No, it's not Shia LaBeouf.
- [groans] It's never him.
No one ever picks him.
- Ooh, Scarlet Johansson!
- Yes!
[all gasp]
- Oh, my God.
- How did you guess that?
- Oh, well, she came up
to about here on me.
- [scoffs]
- You met her?
- Very cool.
- That's an unfair advantage.
- Wait, so did you work
with her?
- No, we just met
a couple times.
- Very cool.
- She's so tiny.
I could fit her entire body
into my body.
- Mm, she could wear your skin
as a onesie, couldn't she?
- All right, me next.
Give me the tape measure.
- Right, so, um, okay.
Um, oh-oh-oh!
- Oh, tall!
- I'd actually prefer it if
she wore your skin as a
onesie.
- Sorry, what was that?
- You--you heard what I said.
- No, I-I can't quite--
- I said I'd actually prefer it
if she wore your skin
as a onesie.
- That's dis--disgusting.
- I think it's very--
- Why would you say that to me?
- Hagrid!
- It can't be a character!
- Yes.
- Oh!
- Hagrid's taller than that.
- No!
[sighs]
Yeah, you can--
you can--if you want to stay,
you can stay.
It's obviously an early
morning for you, so
If you want to stay over,
that's fine.
Like watch a movie or--or--
[mischievous music]
You should stay. Yeah.
If you want to stay,
if that's what you want.
Well, I would like it.
we can fit both.
I'm happy to--
to host there, like--
[laughs]
You want to have sex?
Okay.
Sure.
Let's have sex.
What are you saying?
What are you saying
to yourself?
Just ask him to stay.
Would you like to stay over?
Don't do the hand.
- Bye!
Thank you! Mwah!
- Oh, no, um, sorry.
That's actually mine.
- Oh.
- And that's mine as well.
That one.
- [chuckles]
- I brought it from home.
- Sorry, mate.
- That's all right.
Mate.
Jessie is a really
special girl.
- Yeah, she is.
- We all just adore her.
- Me too.
- And we think Dan's just
great
for her at the moment.
- Oh.
Are they seeing
each other again?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty on-and-off,
but, um, from what I'm
hearing,
it's very much on
at the moment.
- I think
I've met him, actually.
That's great.
- He's great. He's great guy.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
[phone buzzes]
- Okay.
No.
No. No, no, no.
- Oh.
Ah, are you off?
- Yeah. I've got to go pack.
- Oh, um
Right, I was gonna say,
if you wanted to stay, um--
- What?
- [scoffs]
- Stay and what?
- My little Miss Scarlet.
[laughs]
- Hey, Dan.
- Hey, man.
Did you save me some food?
- Bye.
- Do you have anything
that's vegan?
- Bye.
- I'm off, then.
Oh, and, um,
if Kate needs to know,
I was the murderer.
[slow jazz music]
♪