Stuck in the Middle (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - I get it first.
- I called it.
HARLEY: In a big family, it's a given.
You're gonna have to share stuff.
Toys, food, pink eye.
Especially something awesome.
The other thing about a big family that "I get it first" rule is less important than the "I grabbed it first" rule.
I can't believe it.
Cuff hasn't commented on any of my posts in, like, two whole days.
If it wasn't me he was moving on from, I'd say he's moving on.
That tablet is so awesome.
That's why we're all super careful with it.
Thank you, Marshport.
Right, right, left, left.
Knockout! Oops.
Harley, your turn.
Finally.
My favorite live streaming site.
Penguin-cam.
I'm obsessed with penguins.
Maybe because they're like my family.
They live in large groups, compete for territory, and fight over food.
Although I've never seen a penguin slap anyone for the last pork chop.
Anyway, my favorite penguin, Nim-Nim, has an egg that's supposed to hatch any day now.
It's wiggling.
We're getting close.
Ooh alert.
(beeping) Error? No, tablet, you cannot die on me now.
(distorted voice) Mom! We killed another tablet.
Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Try to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Mom, Dad, I just wanna say that we are really, really, really - really - We're sorry we broke the tablet.
Too "really's" max.
We talked about this.
The size of this card is proportional to the size of our regret.
Wow, guys.
We are so touched.
Not "buying you a new tablet" touched, but we appreciate the attempt.
Told you that card wouldn't work.
Rookies.
Giant card? Epic fail.
Should've gone with crying.
Look, I gotta get down to the marina.
Big weekend at the store.
The remodeled canoes are in.
I seriously don't think you understand Without a tablet, your children are literally falling apart.
Look.
They do that every day.
Have you not seen the tongue growth chart on the wall? Boys, go to the store and help your father.
Help? All they do is make a mess.
Okay, we've drawn a hard line here.
I can't be home alone with seven kids and no tablet.
In a family of nine, when you need money, you turn to the three C's car, couch, and cubbies.
Four cents, a bloody toe wait, what?! Oh, cocktail weenie with dried ketchup.
- (doorbell rings) - Cool.
A toe! - Uh - I'm really sorry about your tablet.
I'd loan you ours, but my mom uses it to track me in case I get lost or come over here.
There you are.
Accurate right down to a half a block.
Bethany, didn't know you were here.
Anyway, thanks for coming.
I came to ask a favor.
Lord know, I'm certainly owed one.
Could you keep your brand of "big family fun: on your side of the fence this weekend? I have no idea what you're talking about.
CHILD: Incoming! Sorry! HARLEY: Mom really didn't have a turkey leg to stand on.
Can we get that back? I need quiet.
I have a guest coming.
I rented my spare room through a bed and breakfast online, and between you and me, she's paying a lot of money.
A lot.
I mean, I am really fleecing her.
Don't hatch yet, baby Nim-Nim.
Auntie Harley's just figured out how to get a new tablet.
You wanna rent a room in our house to a total stranger online.
Who hopefully pays enough to buy a new tablet.
How would that even work? We don't have an extra room.
Our youngest sister sleeps on a dog bed in the hall.
We can rent out our couch.
I checked the website, it's totally legit.
So is room sharing, but Georgie snores, and Beast sleepwalks and pees in the trash can.
Okay, and on what planet would Mom and Dad not notice some random dude in his PJ's - drooling on the couch? - Planet Diaz.
Mom and Dad won't notice one more kid.
Half the time, they don't notice the ones they have.
Trust me, I know.
Now that you're in, I'm going to need you to design a web page.
I'm not in.
I'm not even in the neighborhood of in.
But we need the tablet.
Do you want another night like last night? There's seven of us and one remote.
- I'm sure there's a civilized way - Get him! Okay, no fishing for hot dogs, no camping in the tent display, and no filling up the canteens with clam chowder from the snack bar.
Got it, Dad.
No playing with the bait.
How'd I forget that? (frog croaking) Hey, check out those frogs.
They're wrestling.
Whoa! Did you see that pile driver? He took him down with his tongue.
I really need to grow mine out.
Grab that boot.
We've gotta take these guys to school.
People would pay to see this.
Maybe we could use the money to help buy a new tablet.
Or we could buy gum.
Yeah, no one buys us gum anymore.
You swallow 50 pieces to see if you can blow a bubble with your butt one time.
So I designed the web page for the couch rental you wanted.
Living room before.
Living room after.
Wow! It looks like a family who actually cares lives here.
ETHAN: Right? Check this out.
Bathroom before.
Bathroom after.
That doesn't even look like our bathroom.
It's actually a picture from a magazine.
No computer could make ours so clean.
No wonder we already have our first booking.
Oh, awesome.
His name is Bai Hsu.
He's a music student from Asia.
He's coming tomorrow.
(doorbell rings) Huh.
Who'd come over this late? Who comes over at all? What are the odds of another Asian man showing up at our door at 9:00 at night? With a trombone? Not good.
He said he was coming tomorrow.
In Asia, today is tomorrow! (doorbell rings) - SUZY: Door.
- We've got it.
Oh, good, Ethan, your trombone is here.
Bye.
Trombone? I thought you were into guitar.
I, um I had a sudden urge to play a way less cool instrument.
I'm really sorry my sister slammed the door in your face.
Usually, we are extremely professional.
In the meantime, enjoy the on-site gym.
I'm not good in English, but I know this is not a gym.
May I go to bed now? No one wants that more than me.
Our guest, Bai Hsu, will be here for a two-day music conference.
He'll be leaving early every morning, and returning late at night.
(croaks) Nights will be easy.
We all know Mom and Dad have given up by 9:00.
(croaks) And to make sure they're extra tired the next day, Daphne, you tell them you had a nightmare, and go sleep in their bed.
Kick all you want.
I was going to kick no matter what you said.
And just so they don't get recharged in the morning, I'm going to mess with the coffee maker.
With all our breakfast chaos, Bai will be lost in the shuffle.
- So Lewie and Beast, - (frogs croaking) you just be Lewie and Beast.
Is this guy famous, or Rich? You tell me.
He's staying on our couch.
Okay, the first step of my master plan is getting Mom and Dad to bed.
Guys, I've been thinking, you work super hard and never get enough rest.
I made you some warm milk.
(trombone playing) What was that? An owl with gas.
Now you should take that right up to bed.
All clear.
Come on in.
I'm really sorry about this, and that weirdly aggressive possum.
Thank you, kind girl.
He called me kind.
And a girl.
Twenty minutes into your crazy plan, and not only do we almost get caught, but I sense we're giving Bai a horrible impression of America.
It was a bumpy start, yes, but he's going to see we're just a nice, normal American family.
Look at you, world traveler, all alone in a strange land.
So romantic.
So, tell me, who's your favorite field hockey player? Is that the exchange student? I was hoping for a blonde, but I can work with that.
Okay, get in.
Closer.
Closer.
Okay, we're done.
What are you doing? Cuff doesn't wanna like my photos, he's really not gonna like this one.
Tag that foreign and fierce.
You're foreign, I'm fierce.
SUZY: Lights out, boys.
Sabers, too.
Quickly, dive and divert.
What's going on down there? Nothing.
Just relaxing on the couch like a normal girl who didn't just meet her soulmate.
(yawns) Oh good, sounds good.
Don't stay up too late.
I'd like to speak to the manager.
All right, guys, last night was a good warm-up.
Now it's show time.
Operation Confuse and Cover is a go.
ALL: One, two, three, tablet! Don't question it.
Hey, look, the coffee machine's working.
I had to give her something.
I knew kids at our school would go nuts for our frogs.
One kid peed himself.
How much do you think we could get? I've got 20 packs of bubble gum on hold.
Beast, this is not about bubble gum anymore.
This is about our future.
We could be frog wrestling promoters.
I've always wanted to be that.
But if we wanna be taken seriously, we gotta up our game.
We need something spectacular.
Frog costumes? Daphne's got doll clothes.
I was going to say get them to throw a tiny chair, but that sounds easier.
- Where are her clothes? - Flushed 'em.
We're going to need someone who takes care of their things.
I can't give these away for a doughnut.
Mom took a long time to sew them.
Plus, I'm not supposed to have doughnuts, or anything yummy or talk to you.
- I'll throw in a maple log.
- Here.
One more night.
We're rocking this bed and breakfast thing.
Can't believe we're actually gonna pull this off.
Hey, Dad, what are you doing down here? I can't get any sleep with Daphne in the bed kicking all night.
When's the last time that girl clipped her toenails? Man, I must be tired.
I thought I saw an Asian man standing in our living room.
I've seen your gym already.
I would like to go to bed now.
He wants to go to bed now, Harley.
He wants to go to bed! I don't need you to translate the translator.
Come here.
Face it.
We gotta pump the brakes, and tell Mom and Dad.
What? You can't bail now.
Sorry to interrupt.
Can someone knock the giant slug off my back? If you didn't want in, you should've said no at the beginning.
Please help me.
It is crawling.
I did repeatedly.
But you don't take no for an answer.
Not when it's the wrong answer.
That's what I'm saying.
You don't listen, and you force people to do what you want.
Know what they call that? Focus? Smart, strong? - Pushy.
- (gasps) That's right.
I said it.
I'm out.
Pushy? Me? I'm just a person who knows what she wants, and makes other people do it whether they like it or not.
Oh.
There you are.
Now smile like we've been at an all-night party.
Stop using Bai for your twisted games.
Innkeeper, I do not intend to pay for this stay if I do not have a place to sleep.
I promise you will.
Although I have no idea where.
It's okay.
Kind girl is here now.
Here we are.
For being such a loyal customer, we've upgraded you to an ocean-view suite.
Yeah, I know.
Ocean view is a bit of a stretch.
But I figured we wouldn't get him down here by calling it "a railing where seagulls poop" view.
Go check out that raft, and I'll have that tent set up in no time.
(frustrated grunt) Come on! Oh, hey.
What are you doing here? I came here to help.
Why? You were right.
I talked you into a bad plan.
I am pushy.
But you're a good pushy.
Remember how Wayne Heleki used to push me into doing crazy stunts when I was a kid? Great.
Now I'm a third grader - who beat the principal up for lunch money.
- That's the thing.
He used to push people to do stuff for his own amusement.
But when you force us, or arm twist, or badger, - or coerce - Good with any one.
You're not doing it for yourself.
You're doing it for all of us.
Like that time you made a zip line out of old Christmas lights.
Dad said no, but you did it, and we had a blast.
But you got 13 stitches from that broken bulb.
Yeah, and now I get to tell girls I survived a shark attack, so win-win.
You make our family better.
All right.
Comin' in for the hug.
Hang on.
- Brother-sister moment over.
- Totally.
Now let's put this bad boy up.
You know what? Let's not wake him.
We'll come by first thing in the morning.
Good, 'cause I have no idea how to put a tent up.
(kids cheering) What did I tell you, Beast? Frogs with no capes, not spectacular.
Frogs with capes, spectacular.
Can you tell me why I found my daughter eating this? Because maple logs are delicious? It's a poison stick.
You know where she got it? Your boys, Monster and Skitch, or whatever their names are.
You obviously have no idea what's going on under your own roof.
I know exactly what's going on under my own roof.
Awesome news.
Cuff wasn't liking my posts because he was in police custody.
He got caught tagging my name on a porta-potty.
I feel like I'm in an Ed Sheeran song.
Okay, I didn't know that, but she was our first child.
It's kinda like when you make pancakes.
You always have to throw the first one out.
Well, two of your "pancakes" woke my bed and breakfast visitor with some early morning sporting event.
Frog wrestling, round three.
Ding.
I don't think that's frog wrestling.
That's frog love.
Are those my handmade doll clothes? Shame on you, Red Riding Hood.
Let's go.
Come on, wrap it up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one leaves until I get paid.
Bai's going to be so surprised.
I got him a present.
A new spit valve for his trombone.
Wow, you guys are moving really fast.
So where's that raft he's sleeping in? The one that's not there? If you're looking for the Wampanpoac two-seater, - I sold it.
- BOTH: You sold it?! Yeah, the guy who bought it just put it in the water.
(gasps) Bye-bye, Bai? Hold on, Bai.
I'm coming.
(splash) Uh, Dad, don't freak out, but there may have been an Asian trombone player sleeping in that raft.
- Yeah, I know.
- You do? Yes, I know all about Rachel stashing her exchange student boyfriend here Foreign and Fierce.
So where's Bai oyfriend of Rachel now? I sent him on his way.
Not a bad kid really.
He offered to pay for his stay, but I wouldn't take his money.
What kind of decent human being would charge a person to sleep in a raft? No one I know.
Yeah.
Huh.
I guess sometimes being the overlooked middle kid means you don't get caught in the Christmas picture.
But sometimes it means you just don't get caught.
I forgot I'm not a very strong swimmer.
Should we tell her? Eh, let her paddle around a while.
Sometimes it's more about the chase.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the people who brought you Frog Slam, comes the next big thing in amphibian entertainment.
Welcome to Turtle Takedown.
We've really gotta get another tablet.
Don't worry.
I came up with a plan.
I wanna say no, gonna say yes.
Good, 'cause that'll save us some time.
Move.
Or you're soup.