Sunnyside (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
Dr. Potato
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
All right, listen up, you little punks.
Sorry, came out of the gate way too strong there.
But listen up.
It's been over a week since ICE detained our good friend Drazen, and we still don't have any leads.
This is the best picture I could find.
That's from when we went to the M&M Store together.
America is the best.
A whole store dedicated to its least remarkable candy.
Look, if we don't do anything, we could lose him forever.
He could get transferred.
He could get deported.
He's probably sitting in a cell somewhere, and I'm his only hope.
Anybody have any ideas? Uh, we could bake a file into a birthday cake, and then Drazen could use that to bust his little ass out of there.
Like in a Daffy Duck cartoon.
Well, that's actually more like a Bugs character type.
I mean, not that I would even know that, 'cause, like, I only watch sports and R-rated movies.
Please, call on someone else.
Uh, our dad might be able to help.
He and El Chapo broke out of prison together.
Wait, Dad and Uncle Chapo met in prison? - Mm-hmm.
- All right, hey, uh, we need to find legal ways to help.
- Boo.
- Oh, come on.
Hey, Mallory.
Any hot goss from the operating room? Broken bones, nasty infections? Back when I was a surgeon, I used to love a good fungus every now and then.
- No, there is no fungus.
- Maybe next time, huh? Fingers crossed for fungus.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you guys almost done here? I actually have some of my own friends coming over.
Well, the Postmates guy is not your friend.
Uh, he knows me.
We have banter.
Listen, Mal, this is actually very important.
I'm trying to figure out how to free Drazen from ICE custody.
I don't think I've tried this hard at anything since my first political campaign 15 years ago.
That's not true.
The other night I watched you try to pick up a fork with your toes for 45 minutes.
Well, Drazen is a fork that I won't give up on no matter how much Alfredo sauce I have on my toes.
I'm doing this, okay? We're gonna free him.
Now, who's got something besides Brady's Bugs Bunny cake idea? Okay, that was on while I was at the gym, okay? Just blasting my pecs and shredding my glutes.
Why am I the only one talking today? Come on.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- Hi, everyone.
Sorry I'm late, but I made a very special cake with a very special filling.
No, nope.
We are not doing this.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
It was butter cream, and it was for Mallory's birthday.
Mallory's birthday's today? Yesterday.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Ha All right, what do we have to do to find Drazen? Hack into the mainframe? Crack the database? A virus? The microchip? I was just gonna let you keep going.
Mm-mm, nope.
Those are all the computer terms I know.
ICE has an online directory where you can search for anyone who's been detained.
All we need is Drazen's personal information.
I'm guessing you don't know his A-Number? His Alien Registration Number? What about an address? - Birthday? - He's old? Okay, no, but, uh, look.
Here's what we do know about Drazen, all right? Uh [CHUCKLES.]
Really fun guy.
Uh, loves tracksuits.
- About adult height.
- Yes.
Probably had, uh, like, a beard, I think.
Notice you're not writing any of this down.
Do you at least know his last name? I thought Drazen only had one name, like Madonna or Pikachu or Garrett.
I have a last name, Jun Ho.
- Jun Ho's my name, too.
- No, no, I Wow.
Okay, yeah, we literally know nothing about our friend.
It's okay.
It's a minor roadblock.
New plan.
Got it.
ICE isn't gonna listen to me, but Diana here is an influential City Councilor, so you go down to the nearest detention facility, Drazen's probably there.
You tell them who you are, and they have to help you locate him.
I mean, I'll give it a shot, but that place is pretty grim.
It's like the DMV's racist uncle.
Well, I'll go with you.
I used to work at the DMV until they fired me for smiling at customers.
Great.
In the meantime, I will try to track down Drazen's family, see what information I can come up with.
There's this Moldovan bodega he took me to once.
Maybe they know him there.
There's these amazing Eastern European sodas that taste just like wet potatoes.
Brady, why don't you come with us? Might be helpful to have someone who speaks Moldovan.
Oh, I don't speak Moldovan.
How do you speak to your Moldovan relatives? I don't.
Up top.
- Why would I high-five that? - Hi, we just discussed it, and we decided that we don't want to do anything.
I think it's what really makes the most sense for us.
Uh-uh, not on my watch.
Drazen is our friend, and we're gonna help him.
You're coming with us.
[BOTH GROANING.]
Can we at least go home and change first? We can't wear the same outfit to a third location.
Yeah, like, what's the vibe at ICE? - Is it, like, '90s boho? - Kickball casual? - White girls at brunch? - Glenn Close but far away? - Slutty Hello Kitty? - Harry Potter, but he's dead? - K-pop serial killer? - Mandy Moore but Chinese? We'll bring options.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE, LIGHT MUZAK PLAYING.]
Hey, how's it going? I'm, uh I'm looking for my friend Drazen.
He used to come here a lot really fun guy, size of a full-grown adult, possible beard, very forgettable last name.
What are you, police? Repo man? Bounty hunter? [CHUCKLES.]
No, no, no, I'm not a bounty hunter.
Although I did have a blonde mullet in high school.
Drazen was taken by ICE last week.
He mentioned he was married.
Do you happen to know where his wife lives? - [OBJECT CLATTERS.]
- Bojan? - Is that little Bojan? - Oh, God! - [LAUGHING.]
- No, stop! No.
Okay.
Oh, God! - Okay.
- Little Bojan used to play here when his mother'd go to work.
Hey, Bojan, you still like Bugs Bunny? Wha okay, that is not my only discernible trait.
I'm strong.
I manscape.
Anyone jump in! I'd be happy to help any friend of Bojan's.
But first you must help me with my business.
You understand.
Yeah, in Moldovia, you have to bribe people all the time.
- Oh, Ethiopia is the same! - Yep, America, too.
Yay! The world is disgusting and corrupt! [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Okay.
- Next! - Hello, there.
- Back of the line.
- You don't understand.
I need to locate a detainee.
My name is Diana Barea.
I'm with the City Council.
- Oh, you're with the City Council.
- Yes.
- You should have said that.
- Great, we Because there's this big old pothole on my street that I keep calling your office to fix.
So, uh, why don't you fix that? And when you're done, you can go to the back of the line.
Okay.
I'm just trying to [HALTINGLY.]
Back of the line.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- Are we next? - This is unacceptable! I'm an important elected official.
I mean, I gave Al Roker a plaque on his birthday.
Yes, I know.
Don't tell me.
- Tell them.
- Griselda, I'm hungry.
Do you have any beef tartare, Griselda? - Beef tartare? - Oh, you know what? I'd be fine with, like, a quail-egg omelet.
Griselda, quail-egg omelet? Ooh.
It's an apple.
Eat it.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay, yeah.
Um, apples are round, and mine's broken.
Also, there's, like, no cell service here.
Wi-Fi is a human right.
People should protest these guys.
They are, but for Never mind.
Here, I have "Angry Birds" on my phone.
- Play that.
- OMG! This is amaze.
We should totally buy this.
You don't have to.
It's free.
No, I meant an exploding bird.
- I want one.
- [CRUNCHES.]
Okay, here.
Now will you tell me where Drazen's wife is? Okay, wait here.
[MUZAK PLAYING.]
Throw in one sixer of Dr.
Potato.
They were out of the chunky, so I went with garlic.
This is her, Lyudmila Barbu.
You made him buy all that stuff and she was here the whole time? Damn, that's Moldovan as hell.
Hi, Lyudmila.
My name is Garrett.
We're Drazen's friends, and we really want to get him out.
- So we need your help.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
What? Why not? Please just leave me alone.
Oh! It wasn't a total loss.
I just won a trip to the 1984 Winter Olympics.
I don't understand.
Why won't you help us find Drazen? - Don't you love him? - Unless an affair! Stanislav, how could you? Of course I love Drazen, ever since the day we met on that boat that exploded.
Wow, we really don't know anything about this guy.
If they picked him up for nothing, why wouldn't they do the same to me? No, I'll stay here as long as I have to.
You're sleeping in a bodega? [SCOFFS.]
That's insane.
Oh, so what's the rent, though? Are you looking for roommates? This is just another minor roadblock.
I think I can help with this, too.
I know somebody who would be happy to host you.
Who the hell is this lady? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Okay, great news.
Garrett actually came through, and we have Drazen's last name.
- Does anybody have a pen? - Yeah.
I've got Sean Penn, Penn Badgley, Penn from Penn & Teller, although he did block my number.
- Next.
- Go, come on Hello, again.
We are looking for Drazen Barbu.
- Wrong line.
- What? [LIPS FLAPPING.]
This is the visitors line for people visiting the facility.
What you want is the "visiting" line to visit a person within the facility.
Over there.
You are just loving this, aren't you? Yeah, a little bit.
Another line? Well, obviously Drazen wouldn't want us waiting in two lines.
No.
Let's go to Bali.
- [GASPS.]
- [BOTH GIGGLING.]
Hey, we're here to help a friend.
Now suck it up and get in that line.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- One - One what? Two Why is she counting? What's happening? I don't know what happens if she gets to three? - I don't want to know! - Then move! - Okay! Okay! - Move! Act like you've done this before! Come on, Mal.
Lyudmila is scared.
She's been sleeping in a bodega.
Yeah, and dibs have already been called on her room there, so back off.
Garrett, please don't put me in the awkward position of telling an immigrant to go back to where she came from.
It's probably just gonna be for a little while, until we figure out what's going on.
Seriously? This is my one day to clean up, and it's mostly your mess.
[SCOFFS.]
Yesterday I found a sock in the microwave.
That's not my fault.
I dropped it in your toilet.
[OBJECT CLATTERS.]
Excuse me? Hello, there.
Can you please not touch my things? I'm your guest.
Please let me make your home less filthy and sad.
Um, I'm gonna go ahead and see if Diana needs any of my help.
Hakim, you want to just stay here and make sure everybody gets along? You got it, G-String.
I'm working on a nickname for you.
- That's not it.
- No, it's not.
Thank you so much.
I promise I'll make it up to you, not financially, because I still have no money, and probably not in terms of favors, because I'm very lazy, but in some way that I'll figure out, unless I forget to.
Okay.
See you.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I, uh, don't really know the American etiquette for things like this, but can I poop in your bathroom? [SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
We didn't even have to wait this long to visit space.
I know, and space, by the way, very overrated.
When can we leave? I hate it here! [BOTH WHINING.]
Okay, that's enough! No more whining! If we're actually gonna be helpful, you two are gonna have to grow up and deal with the fact that we have to wait.
What? You're, like, speaking loud at us and, like, frowning with your whole face.
It's making me feel like there are consequences to my behavior, and I don't like it.
Have you never been yelled at before? I mean, one time at a brothel in Prague, but we had to pay way extra.
How did your parents deal with you? Oh, that's easy.
They didn't.
We were mostly raised by an A.
I.
-powered robot nanny.
Jun Ho, Carlotta was not a robot.
Well, then why did she let me feed her all those batteries? Okay, this is just, like, way too much to unpack at this moment.
In the meantime, you two need discipline.
No whining.
That's rule number one.
When I tell you to do something, you will reply with, "Yes, ma'am.
" BOTH: Yes, ma'am.
This is so scary.
Griselda is like a dom queen icon, and it's kind of hot.
Listen, I expect you to be on your best behavior from now on.
We are all adults here, so let's act like it.
- - No.
No, no, no, no! What the hell? [GROANS.]
I've been freakin' waiting in that freakin' line for two freakin' hours, and it's not fair! Um, Diana, I don't know if this has trickled down to you yet, but rule number one is no whining.
Shut up, Jun Ho! Hello? You have one job! I think it's this way.
Um Uh, wait.
Wait, uh, Garrett.
Garrett, I don't think I should be here, man.
What are you talking about? It's it's too risky.
I'm a Dreamer.
Yeah, man.
That's what I love about you.
You've got big ideas, and that's great.
No, like the DREAM Act.
Like, I'm DACA.
I was brought here as a kid, so I have this status now where I'm not, like, undocumented, but I'm not not, like, documented.
I don't know what I am, but I don't feel safe here, and one slip-up, that could be it for me.
I understand.
That must be pretty scary.
But listen, man, you've got me on your side.
I've been killing it today.
Plus, we've got Diana.
She doesn't get pushed around by anybody.
- Stop pushing me! - Oh, boy.
Fine, throw me out.
I hate it here anyway.
I'm happy this is happening.
I'm actually laughing! [LAUGHING.]
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Brady just bailed, and I saw Diana get kicked out of here.
- What's going on? - Griselda yelled at us.
And Carlotta wasn't a robot.
[LAUGHS.]
Not at all what I was asking about, but please remind me to come back to this because I'm very interested.
We still don't know where Drazen is, and we tried to ask that guy over there, but he's not helping anybody, and now with Diana gone, - we're screwed.
- Okay, I got this.
Now, have I ever told you about the time I weaseled my way into Adam Levine's poker night? - Oh, my God.
- Yes.
Okay, well, it's relevant here because I can weasel my way into anything, except this time I won't lose 600 bucks to Carson Daly.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Hey, there, ICE man.
You looking for a maverick? "Top Gun.
" Kidding.
- Back of the line.
- Love that.
You run a tight ship, you know that? You're not gonna be working at this desk for long.
I can feel it.
Before you know it, you'll be running this whole place.
You think so? Never been more sure of anything in my life.
Oh, New York Knicks, huh? - New York Knicks.
- Yep.
If I were the Knicks, I would have signed all the best players instead of signing all the worst players.
That's what I said when I called into WFAN.
- They laughed in my face.
- No, man.
- That team's in trouble.
- Yeah.
Hey, you know who else is in trouble, is, um, my friend Drazen Barbu.
B-A-R-bu.
You think you can tell me if he's here? [KEYS CLACKING.]
- Yep, he's here.
- Does it say what he did? I feel like it's got to be a mistake.
He got picked up for a felony.
He, uh, pirated a movie.
That's it? That's not so bad.
It was "Spice World.
" Oh, Drazen, no.
Looks like he's got his bond hearing today.
Better head down there if you want to make an opening statement.
Oh, I'm not his lawyer.
Yeesh.
No lawyer? [SCOFFS.]
Well, you better say good-bye to your friend because, uh, he gone.
Doesn't he get, like, a lawyer or, like, a public defender or something? [LAUGHS.]
You think we give him a lawyer? We don't even give him a translator.
- Man, that's messed up.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they tell us not to think too hard about it, or else it'll give us nightmares.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Okay, I'll do it.
I'll represent him.
Well, you're not a lawyer, so that's also a felony.
But I guess he does need character witnesses.
Then that's what I'll be.
I'll be a character witness.
Doesn't sound as cool.
I know.
[LAUGHING.]
It feels so good to just sit down and relax for a change.
Ah, sitting is great, but have you ever tried doggy style? What? You know, when you curl up on the couch like a dog.
- Doggy style.
- That's not what that is, and I don't think that I'm the one to explain it to you.
- Eat.
- Oh! - Eat.
- Oh, wow! Lyudmila, you have outdone yourself.
I thought I smelled some meat cooking before, but I thought maybe it was a candle.
Why would I have a meat candle? I don't know.
America is incredible.
You actively seek out sandwiches that don't even fit in your mouth.
Anything is possible! Mm, these aren't even my plates.
I bought new ones.
Yours were IKEA garbage.
They were.
This is gonna be easy.
I'm gonna walk up there, charm the robe off that judge, bring Drazen out of jail, and then zip home, pop some nuggets in the microwave, throw on some jammies, and Huh.
My night sounds way less cool when I say it out loud.
Well, I'm just glad you're on our side.
And this hearing decides whether or not Drazen gets out, and it all depends on you.
His entire life is in your hands.
Can you imagine how his wife feels? She must be so nervous.
Yeah, I hadn't really thought of it like that.
[SCOFFS.]
I have.
But, you know, giving speeches like this is your thing.
You must have done this a million times back in your City Council days.
Uh, I didn't speak in the City Council sessions as much as I slept in the back row with sunglasses on so no one could tell.
- Look.
- Garrett! - You came! - Drazen, how are you doing? Oh, I'm okay.
- It's not so bad.
- Really? No, I'm in prison.
It's very, very, very, very bad.
- Oh.
- But now I'm happy.
My life is in your hands.
Why are you so sweating? Uh, no, no.
I-I got this.
Mr.
Barbu, since you are without representation, would you like to state your case or present any character witnesses? Oh, uh, yes.
Hello, Your Honor.
- Uh - Go, go, go! How about those Knicks? I mean, those guys just cannot get it together, huh? My brother's in their front office.
- He's doing the best he can.
- Eesh.
Hmm.
Well, um, Drazen here is my good friend.
He, uh I guess he does have a beard, it turns out.
Called it.
He, uh he's a full grown-sized adult.
Uh Gosh, I'm really choking up here, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
I feel like I should be playing for the Knicks.
Eee, no! Ay, Your Honor, can we have, like, a one-minute recess or something? [STAMMERING.]
- What the hell, man? - It's too much.
It's too much pressure.
I-I need to take a nap.
- Do you have any sunglasses? - Get it together, man.
- Drazen's counting on you.
- Brady! I thought you were too scared to be in here.
I was, and I still am, but then I thought about big, dumb Drazen and how scared he must be.
I don't know what's gonna happen to me, but I-I know that we have to do something, and you're our best hope.
But what if I'm not? I mean, I've been coasting my whole life, which is fine if you never do anything that matters, but if I fail here, there are real consequences.
Drazen will get deported, and it'll be my fault.
But you can't just give up now.
I mean, think of it as just another roadblock.
Look how far you brought us.
Come on, you got this.
- I do? - Yeah, dude! You got this! I have not been paying attention.
- Oh.
- You're up, you're up.
Okay, all right.
Um [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Sorry, Your Honor.
Sort of got started off on the wrong foot there, but, um, look, I'm an American, and that means that I get to make mistakes.
In my case, really, really big mistakes.
But I never had to worry about whether I would get sent thousands of miles away with no hope of ever coming back.
Mr.
Barbu here has been living in this country for over 10 years.
Pays his taxes.
He's an upstanding citizen.
He's a wonderful husband, a boat explosion survivor, I guess, and he spent the last week in an overcrowded cell.
Why? Who does that help? He's a good person, and he deserves to be in this country.
Your Honor, if you let Drazen go, I promise I will give you 100,000 dollars - 500,000 - No, no, no, no, no, no.
Stop talking now.
Uh, look, your honor.
Drazen came to this country with nothing so that he could make this place his home and contribute to making it a better place.
This is exactly the kind of person who deserves to be here.
- No.
- Wait, what? Bond denied.
Next! [FUNKY MUSIC.]
You did the best you could, Garrett.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, well, my best wasn't good enough.
No, it wasn't.
I mean, I was just trying to be polite.
- It was a very sad outcome.
- Yes, thank you, Griselda.
You know, I've been humiliated on national television.
I've been forced out of office.
I've had dried Alfredo sauce stuck to my toes for three days, and yet somehow this feels worse.
Well, that's 'cause you care, man.
Caring sucks.
Also, take a shower.
What's wrong with you? Oh, that reminds me, thanks for caring about us.
[MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY.]
Uh, this is $500.
We wanted to pay you back for the apple.
Oh, my God.
Is that not enough? We tried to look up how much you're supposed to tip an apple cutter, but there's no information about it online.
Hold on.
I-I have more, though, so Okay, next we're gonna work on your budgeting skills.
But, you know, 50 is what you would pay a babysitter, so, you know, I'll just take that.
Guys, guys, guys! Guess what.
I followed up about Drazen, and I've got some good news.
They're going to hold him indefinitely.
Huh? How is that good news? It means it's not over.
I just spoke to an immigration attorney who overheard what you said in the courtroom.
She's gonna represent him pro bono.
What you did in there mattered.
Oh, this is a good thing, Garrett.
It would have been nice if Drazen could come home today, but we're going up against a system that's designed to make progress nearly impossible.
It's not a win, no, but it's certainly not a loss.
Yeah, you're right.
It's, uh it's just another roadblock.
Oh, and I made sure to check if Drazen's wife's papers are all in order, and they are, so she doesn't have to keep hiding.
Lyudmila, please, you don't have to go! I'll kick Garrett out instead.
Please let me kick Garrett out instead.
I-I was planning on doing it anyway.
Thank you for helping me, but I must go.
[SIGHS.]
Promise me you'll dust more.
Your apartment is disgusting.
Okay, well, I do work full-time, so it's Good-bye.
Tell Garrett I said thank you.
No.
So should we see what's on TV? What are you still doing here, Hakim? Doggy style.
All right, listen up, you little punks.
Sorry, came out of the gate way too strong there.
But listen up.
It's been over a week since ICE detained our good friend Drazen, and we still don't have any leads.
This is the best picture I could find.
That's from when we went to the M&M Store together.
America is the best.
A whole store dedicated to its least remarkable candy.
Look, if we don't do anything, we could lose him forever.
He could get transferred.
He could get deported.
He's probably sitting in a cell somewhere, and I'm his only hope.
Anybody have any ideas? Uh, we could bake a file into a birthday cake, and then Drazen could use that to bust his little ass out of there.
Like in a Daffy Duck cartoon.
Well, that's actually more like a Bugs character type.
I mean, not that I would even know that, 'cause, like, I only watch sports and R-rated movies.
Please, call on someone else.
Uh, our dad might be able to help.
He and El Chapo broke out of prison together.
Wait, Dad and Uncle Chapo met in prison? - Mm-hmm.
- All right, hey, uh, we need to find legal ways to help.
- Boo.
- Oh, come on.
Hey, Mallory.
Any hot goss from the operating room? Broken bones, nasty infections? Back when I was a surgeon, I used to love a good fungus every now and then.
- No, there is no fungus.
- Maybe next time, huh? Fingers crossed for fungus.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you guys almost done here? I actually have some of my own friends coming over.
Well, the Postmates guy is not your friend.
Uh, he knows me.
We have banter.
Listen, Mal, this is actually very important.
I'm trying to figure out how to free Drazen from ICE custody.
I don't think I've tried this hard at anything since my first political campaign 15 years ago.
That's not true.
The other night I watched you try to pick up a fork with your toes for 45 minutes.
Well, Drazen is a fork that I won't give up on no matter how much Alfredo sauce I have on my toes.
I'm doing this, okay? We're gonna free him.
Now, who's got something besides Brady's Bugs Bunny cake idea? Okay, that was on while I was at the gym, okay? Just blasting my pecs and shredding my glutes.
Why am I the only one talking today? Come on.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- Hi, everyone.
Sorry I'm late, but I made a very special cake with a very special filling.
No, nope.
We are not doing this.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
It was butter cream, and it was for Mallory's birthday.
Mallory's birthday's today? Yesterday.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Ha All right, what do we have to do to find Drazen? Hack into the mainframe? Crack the database? A virus? The microchip? I was just gonna let you keep going.
Mm-mm, nope.
Those are all the computer terms I know.
ICE has an online directory where you can search for anyone who's been detained.
All we need is Drazen's personal information.
I'm guessing you don't know his A-Number? His Alien Registration Number? What about an address? - Birthday? - He's old? Okay, no, but, uh, look.
Here's what we do know about Drazen, all right? Uh [CHUCKLES.]
Really fun guy.
Uh, loves tracksuits.
- About adult height.
- Yes.
Probably had, uh, like, a beard, I think.
Notice you're not writing any of this down.
Do you at least know his last name? I thought Drazen only had one name, like Madonna or Pikachu or Garrett.
I have a last name, Jun Ho.
- Jun Ho's my name, too.
- No, no, I Wow.
Okay, yeah, we literally know nothing about our friend.
It's okay.
It's a minor roadblock.
New plan.
Got it.
ICE isn't gonna listen to me, but Diana here is an influential City Councilor, so you go down to the nearest detention facility, Drazen's probably there.
You tell them who you are, and they have to help you locate him.
I mean, I'll give it a shot, but that place is pretty grim.
It's like the DMV's racist uncle.
Well, I'll go with you.
I used to work at the DMV until they fired me for smiling at customers.
Great.
In the meantime, I will try to track down Drazen's family, see what information I can come up with.
There's this Moldovan bodega he took me to once.
Maybe they know him there.
There's these amazing Eastern European sodas that taste just like wet potatoes.
Brady, why don't you come with us? Might be helpful to have someone who speaks Moldovan.
Oh, I don't speak Moldovan.
How do you speak to your Moldovan relatives? I don't.
Up top.
- Why would I high-five that? - Hi, we just discussed it, and we decided that we don't want to do anything.
I think it's what really makes the most sense for us.
Uh-uh, not on my watch.
Drazen is our friend, and we're gonna help him.
You're coming with us.
[BOTH GROANING.]
Can we at least go home and change first? We can't wear the same outfit to a third location.
Yeah, like, what's the vibe at ICE? - Is it, like, '90s boho? - Kickball casual? - White girls at brunch? - Glenn Close but far away? - Slutty Hello Kitty? - Harry Potter, but he's dead? - K-pop serial killer? - Mandy Moore but Chinese? We'll bring options.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE, LIGHT MUZAK PLAYING.]
Hey, how's it going? I'm, uh I'm looking for my friend Drazen.
He used to come here a lot really fun guy, size of a full-grown adult, possible beard, very forgettable last name.
What are you, police? Repo man? Bounty hunter? [CHUCKLES.]
No, no, no, I'm not a bounty hunter.
Although I did have a blonde mullet in high school.
Drazen was taken by ICE last week.
He mentioned he was married.
Do you happen to know where his wife lives? - [OBJECT CLATTERS.]
- Bojan? - Is that little Bojan? - Oh, God! - [LAUGHING.]
- No, stop! No.
Okay.
Oh, God! - Okay.
- Little Bojan used to play here when his mother'd go to work.
Hey, Bojan, you still like Bugs Bunny? Wha okay, that is not my only discernible trait.
I'm strong.
I manscape.
Anyone jump in! I'd be happy to help any friend of Bojan's.
But first you must help me with my business.
You understand.
Yeah, in Moldovia, you have to bribe people all the time.
- Oh, Ethiopia is the same! - Yep, America, too.
Yay! The world is disgusting and corrupt! [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Okay.
- Next! - Hello, there.
- Back of the line.
- You don't understand.
I need to locate a detainee.
My name is Diana Barea.
I'm with the City Council.
- Oh, you're with the City Council.
- Yes.
- You should have said that.
- Great, we Because there's this big old pothole on my street that I keep calling your office to fix.
So, uh, why don't you fix that? And when you're done, you can go to the back of the line.
Okay.
I'm just trying to [HALTINGLY.]
Back of the line.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- Are we next? - This is unacceptable! I'm an important elected official.
I mean, I gave Al Roker a plaque on his birthday.
Yes, I know.
Don't tell me.
- Tell them.
- Griselda, I'm hungry.
Do you have any beef tartare, Griselda? - Beef tartare? - Oh, you know what? I'd be fine with, like, a quail-egg omelet.
Griselda, quail-egg omelet? Ooh.
It's an apple.
Eat it.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay, yeah.
Um, apples are round, and mine's broken.
Also, there's, like, no cell service here.
Wi-Fi is a human right.
People should protest these guys.
They are, but for Never mind.
Here, I have "Angry Birds" on my phone.
- Play that.
- OMG! This is amaze.
We should totally buy this.
You don't have to.
It's free.
No, I meant an exploding bird.
- I want one.
- [CRUNCHES.]
Okay, here.
Now will you tell me where Drazen's wife is? Okay, wait here.
[MUZAK PLAYING.]
Throw in one sixer of Dr.
Potato.
They were out of the chunky, so I went with garlic.
This is her, Lyudmila Barbu.
You made him buy all that stuff and she was here the whole time? Damn, that's Moldovan as hell.
Hi, Lyudmila.
My name is Garrett.
We're Drazen's friends, and we really want to get him out.
- So we need your help.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
What? Why not? Please just leave me alone.
Oh! It wasn't a total loss.
I just won a trip to the 1984 Winter Olympics.
I don't understand.
Why won't you help us find Drazen? - Don't you love him? - Unless an affair! Stanislav, how could you? Of course I love Drazen, ever since the day we met on that boat that exploded.
Wow, we really don't know anything about this guy.
If they picked him up for nothing, why wouldn't they do the same to me? No, I'll stay here as long as I have to.
You're sleeping in a bodega? [SCOFFS.]
That's insane.
Oh, so what's the rent, though? Are you looking for roommates? This is just another minor roadblock.
I think I can help with this, too.
I know somebody who would be happy to host you.
Who the hell is this lady? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Okay, great news.
Garrett actually came through, and we have Drazen's last name.
- Does anybody have a pen? - Yeah.
I've got Sean Penn, Penn Badgley, Penn from Penn & Teller, although he did block my number.
- Next.
- Go, come on Hello, again.
We are looking for Drazen Barbu.
- Wrong line.
- What? [LIPS FLAPPING.]
This is the visitors line for people visiting the facility.
What you want is the "visiting" line to visit a person within the facility.
Over there.
You are just loving this, aren't you? Yeah, a little bit.
Another line? Well, obviously Drazen wouldn't want us waiting in two lines.
No.
Let's go to Bali.
- [GASPS.]
- [BOTH GIGGLING.]
Hey, we're here to help a friend.
Now suck it up and get in that line.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- One - One what? Two Why is she counting? What's happening? I don't know what happens if she gets to three? - I don't want to know! - Then move! - Okay! Okay! - Move! Act like you've done this before! Come on, Mal.
Lyudmila is scared.
She's been sleeping in a bodega.
Yeah, and dibs have already been called on her room there, so back off.
Garrett, please don't put me in the awkward position of telling an immigrant to go back to where she came from.
It's probably just gonna be for a little while, until we figure out what's going on.
Seriously? This is my one day to clean up, and it's mostly your mess.
[SCOFFS.]
Yesterday I found a sock in the microwave.
That's not my fault.
I dropped it in your toilet.
[OBJECT CLATTERS.]
Excuse me? Hello, there.
Can you please not touch my things? I'm your guest.
Please let me make your home less filthy and sad.
Um, I'm gonna go ahead and see if Diana needs any of my help.
Hakim, you want to just stay here and make sure everybody gets along? You got it, G-String.
I'm working on a nickname for you.
- That's not it.
- No, it's not.
Thank you so much.
I promise I'll make it up to you, not financially, because I still have no money, and probably not in terms of favors, because I'm very lazy, but in some way that I'll figure out, unless I forget to.
Okay.
See you.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I, uh, don't really know the American etiquette for things like this, but can I poop in your bathroom? [SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
We didn't even have to wait this long to visit space.
I know, and space, by the way, very overrated.
When can we leave? I hate it here! [BOTH WHINING.]
Okay, that's enough! No more whining! If we're actually gonna be helpful, you two are gonna have to grow up and deal with the fact that we have to wait.
What? You're, like, speaking loud at us and, like, frowning with your whole face.
It's making me feel like there are consequences to my behavior, and I don't like it.
Have you never been yelled at before? I mean, one time at a brothel in Prague, but we had to pay way extra.
How did your parents deal with you? Oh, that's easy.
They didn't.
We were mostly raised by an A.
I.
-powered robot nanny.
Jun Ho, Carlotta was not a robot.
Well, then why did she let me feed her all those batteries? Okay, this is just, like, way too much to unpack at this moment.
In the meantime, you two need discipline.
No whining.
That's rule number one.
When I tell you to do something, you will reply with, "Yes, ma'am.
" BOTH: Yes, ma'am.
This is so scary.
Griselda is like a dom queen icon, and it's kind of hot.
Listen, I expect you to be on your best behavior from now on.
We are all adults here, so let's act like it.
- - No.
No, no, no, no! What the hell? [GROANS.]
I've been freakin' waiting in that freakin' line for two freakin' hours, and it's not fair! Um, Diana, I don't know if this has trickled down to you yet, but rule number one is no whining.
Shut up, Jun Ho! Hello? You have one job! I think it's this way.
Um Uh, wait.
Wait, uh, Garrett.
Garrett, I don't think I should be here, man.
What are you talking about? It's it's too risky.
I'm a Dreamer.
Yeah, man.
That's what I love about you.
You've got big ideas, and that's great.
No, like the DREAM Act.
Like, I'm DACA.
I was brought here as a kid, so I have this status now where I'm not, like, undocumented, but I'm not not, like, documented.
I don't know what I am, but I don't feel safe here, and one slip-up, that could be it for me.
I understand.
That must be pretty scary.
But listen, man, you've got me on your side.
I've been killing it today.
Plus, we've got Diana.
She doesn't get pushed around by anybody.
- Stop pushing me! - Oh, boy.
Fine, throw me out.
I hate it here anyway.
I'm happy this is happening.
I'm actually laughing! [LAUGHING.]
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Brady just bailed, and I saw Diana get kicked out of here.
- What's going on? - Griselda yelled at us.
And Carlotta wasn't a robot.
[LAUGHS.]
Not at all what I was asking about, but please remind me to come back to this because I'm very interested.
We still don't know where Drazen is, and we tried to ask that guy over there, but he's not helping anybody, and now with Diana gone, - we're screwed.
- Okay, I got this.
Now, have I ever told you about the time I weaseled my way into Adam Levine's poker night? - Oh, my God.
- Yes.
Okay, well, it's relevant here because I can weasel my way into anything, except this time I won't lose 600 bucks to Carson Daly.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Hey, there, ICE man.
You looking for a maverick? "Top Gun.
" Kidding.
- Back of the line.
- Love that.
You run a tight ship, you know that? You're not gonna be working at this desk for long.
I can feel it.
Before you know it, you'll be running this whole place.
You think so? Never been more sure of anything in my life.
Oh, New York Knicks, huh? - New York Knicks.
- Yep.
If I were the Knicks, I would have signed all the best players instead of signing all the worst players.
That's what I said when I called into WFAN.
- They laughed in my face.
- No, man.
- That team's in trouble.
- Yeah.
Hey, you know who else is in trouble, is, um, my friend Drazen Barbu.
B-A-R-bu.
You think you can tell me if he's here? [KEYS CLACKING.]
- Yep, he's here.
- Does it say what he did? I feel like it's got to be a mistake.
He got picked up for a felony.
He, uh, pirated a movie.
That's it? That's not so bad.
It was "Spice World.
" Oh, Drazen, no.
Looks like he's got his bond hearing today.
Better head down there if you want to make an opening statement.
Oh, I'm not his lawyer.
Yeesh.
No lawyer? [SCOFFS.]
Well, you better say good-bye to your friend because, uh, he gone.
Doesn't he get, like, a lawyer or, like, a public defender or something? [LAUGHS.]
You think we give him a lawyer? We don't even give him a translator.
- Man, that's messed up.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they tell us not to think too hard about it, or else it'll give us nightmares.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Okay, I'll do it.
I'll represent him.
Well, you're not a lawyer, so that's also a felony.
But I guess he does need character witnesses.
Then that's what I'll be.
I'll be a character witness.
Doesn't sound as cool.
I know.
[LAUGHING.]
It feels so good to just sit down and relax for a change.
Ah, sitting is great, but have you ever tried doggy style? What? You know, when you curl up on the couch like a dog.
- Doggy style.
- That's not what that is, and I don't think that I'm the one to explain it to you.
- Eat.
- Oh! - Eat.
- Oh, wow! Lyudmila, you have outdone yourself.
I thought I smelled some meat cooking before, but I thought maybe it was a candle.
Why would I have a meat candle? I don't know.
America is incredible.
You actively seek out sandwiches that don't even fit in your mouth.
Anything is possible! Mm, these aren't even my plates.
I bought new ones.
Yours were IKEA garbage.
They were.
This is gonna be easy.
I'm gonna walk up there, charm the robe off that judge, bring Drazen out of jail, and then zip home, pop some nuggets in the microwave, throw on some jammies, and Huh.
My night sounds way less cool when I say it out loud.
Well, I'm just glad you're on our side.
And this hearing decides whether or not Drazen gets out, and it all depends on you.
His entire life is in your hands.
Can you imagine how his wife feels? She must be so nervous.
Yeah, I hadn't really thought of it like that.
[SCOFFS.]
I have.
But, you know, giving speeches like this is your thing.
You must have done this a million times back in your City Council days.
Uh, I didn't speak in the City Council sessions as much as I slept in the back row with sunglasses on so no one could tell.
- Look.
- Garrett! - You came! - Drazen, how are you doing? Oh, I'm okay.
- It's not so bad.
- Really? No, I'm in prison.
It's very, very, very, very bad.
- Oh.
- But now I'm happy.
My life is in your hands.
Why are you so sweating? Uh, no, no.
I-I got this.
Mr.
Barbu, since you are without representation, would you like to state your case or present any character witnesses? Oh, uh, yes.
Hello, Your Honor.
- Uh - Go, go, go! How about those Knicks? I mean, those guys just cannot get it together, huh? My brother's in their front office.
- He's doing the best he can.
- Eesh.
Hmm.
Well, um, Drazen here is my good friend.
He, uh I guess he does have a beard, it turns out.
Called it.
He, uh he's a full grown-sized adult.
Uh Gosh, I'm really choking up here, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
I feel like I should be playing for the Knicks.
Eee, no! Ay, Your Honor, can we have, like, a one-minute recess or something? [STAMMERING.]
- What the hell, man? - It's too much.
It's too much pressure.
I-I need to take a nap.
- Do you have any sunglasses? - Get it together, man.
- Drazen's counting on you.
- Brady! I thought you were too scared to be in here.
I was, and I still am, but then I thought about big, dumb Drazen and how scared he must be.
I don't know what's gonna happen to me, but I-I know that we have to do something, and you're our best hope.
But what if I'm not? I mean, I've been coasting my whole life, which is fine if you never do anything that matters, but if I fail here, there are real consequences.
Drazen will get deported, and it'll be my fault.
But you can't just give up now.
I mean, think of it as just another roadblock.
Look how far you brought us.
Come on, you got this.
- I do? - Yeah, dude! You got this! I have not been paying attention.
- Oh.
- You're up, you're up.
Okay, all right.
Um [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Sorry, Your Honor.
Sort of got started off on the wrong foot there, but, um, look, I'm an American, and that means that I get to make mistakes.
In my case, really, really big mistakes.
But I never had to worry about whether I would get sent thousands of miles away with no hope of ever coming back.
Mr.
Barbu here has been living in this country for over 10 years.
Pays his taxes.
He's an upstanding citizen.
He's a wonderful husband, a boat explosion survivor, I guess, and he spent the last week in an overcrowded cell.
Why? Who does that help? He's a good person, and he deserves to be in this country.
Your Honor, if you let Drazen go, I promise I will give you 100,000 dollars - 500,000 - No, no, no, no, no, no.
Stop talking now.
Uh, look, your honor.
Drazen came to this country with nothing so that he could make this place his home and contribute to making it a better place.
This is exactly the kind of person who deserves to be here.
- No.
- Wait, what? Bond denied.
Next! [FUNKY MUSIC.]
You did the best you could, Garrett.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, well, my best wasn't good enough.
No, it wasn't.
I mean, I was just trying to be polite.
- It was a very sad outcome.
- Yes, thank you, Griselda.
You know, I've been humiliated on national television.
I've been forced out of office.
I've had dried Alfredo sauce stuck to my toes for three days, and yet somehow this feels worse.
Well, that's 'cause you care, man.
Caring sucks.
Also, take a shower.
What's wrong with you? Oh, that reminds me, thanks for caring about us.
[MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY.]
Uh, this is $500.
We wanted to pay you back for the apple.
Oh, my God.
Is that not enough? We tried to look up how much you're supposed to tip an apple cutter, but there's no information about it online.
Hold on.
I-I have more, though, so Okay, next we're gonna work on your budgeting skills.
But, you know, 50 is what you would pay a babysitter, so, you know, I'll just take that.
Guys, guys, guys! Guess what.
I followed up about Drazen, and I've got some good news.
They're going to hold him indefinitely.
Huh? How is that good news? It means it's not over.
I just spoke to an immigration attorney who overheard what you said in the courtroom.
She's gonna represent him pro bono.
What you did in there mattered.
Oh, this is a good thing, Garrett.
It would have been nice if Drazen could come home today, but we're going up against a system that's designed to make progress nearly impossible.
It's not a win, no, but it's certainly not a loss.
Yeah, you're right.
It's, uh it's just another roadblock.
Oh, and I made sure to check if Drazen's wife's papers are all in order, and they are, so she doesn't have to keep hiding.
Lyudmila, please, you don't have to go! I'll kick Garrett out instead.
Please let me kick Garrett out instead.
I-I was planning on doing it anyway.
Thank you for helping me, but I must go.
[SIGHS.]
Promise me you'll dust more.
Your apartment is disgusting.
Okay, well, I do work full-time, so it's Good-bye.
Tell Garrett I said thank you.
No.
So should we see what's on TV? What are you still doing here, Hakim? Doggy style.