Switch (UK) (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

When was the last time I went on a date? Someone will come along when you least expect it.
Hello, Gerry.
You smell nice.
Does this need salt? Head office have been on.
Meet the new manager! Good for you! What was that? Stella, that fit woman was totally giving you the eye.
I just can't find that spark.
We need to get in touch with Lucy.
No! You may be happy for Stella to die alone but we're not.
I'm worried.
What? Too short? About Lucy coming over.
Have we done the right thing inviting Stella's mad ex around? It just feels a bit extreme.
Shouldn't we have explained things to Stella first? Eased her in a bit.
What's this saying? Bull-fighter.
Why are you wearing sunglasses? I'm hungover! First day as a manager and I'm going to be breathing sambuca over everyone in a shit outfit! Poor Stel.
She's out there now innocently tucking into her cornflakes.
No idea the doorbell's about to ring and No! Surely there's another way to lift the spell without bringing Lucy back into our lives? Is there any chance you could help me out?! This is a DEFCON 1 clothing crisis! No.
This is the right thing.
Stella needs to move on so she can fall in love again.
And if the only way she can do that is to confront her past we have to lift this memory spell.
We're ready for Lucy, aren't we? I said we're ready for her, aren't we? Yes! Course we are! Bring it on! You look shit hot! Oh, Christ.
It's her.
Jude! Post for you! That hangover cure done yet? Where are you off to? Work.
It's time to step up.
Take this job seriously.
I have to accept I'm not going to be a fashion designer any more.
I'm a manager.
Loads of people would love to be managers.
Managers are mmmmm! What about being creative? Being charge of the window display is creative.
Welcome to adulthood, my friend.
Hold your nose.
Knock it back.
Shit, Grace, you're good! Watch out, Lord Sugar, there's a new boss in town.
I'm gonna staple these to her hand if she forgets them again.
First rule of management - personal organisation.
Stels, you dick! It's me! Hi, Lucy.
Who is she? Sorry for the shambles, girls.
Been to an all-nighter.
Feeling a tad You'd better come in.
That was in Ibiza.
That was in Stonehenge.
Us in Betty's tearoom Harrogate! Guess who chose that?! It'll all come back to you in a minute.
We went out with each other? It was the real deal, bambino.
Thing is Can we explain to her, please? You and Lucy went out with each other five years ago.
(Shut up!) We met on paganloving.
com.
She's a witch? Air, babes.
But I'm not in the coven at the moment.
So if you're planning on doing another disappearing act, let us know, Hannibal! Don't call me Hannibal.
Everything was going fine, Stel.
Everything was NOT going fine.
Hello.
Have I just travelled back into a time machine where none of you ever let me bloody speak?! Everything WAS going fine! We did argue but who doesn't argue? It was fiery, Stel, but that's why you loved me, babe.
I did not love you.
Yes, you did.
Then we had this big row, then we split up.
Then this lot suggested that you do a memory spell to forget about me.
Stella - it was your idea.
Allegedly.
Excuse me.
Sick burp.
You were in pieces all the time when you were with her.
It was horrible.
We think this is why you're not connecting with anyone.
You can't fall in love again until you remember Lucy and get over her properly.
Can I get someone in the stock room to sort out that delivery, please?! Can you not see what I'm going through here? What's happened? Miles just emailed.
Duncan's got him a job in New York.
He's left already! Sorry.
I might have to go home.
You can't go home! We're short-staffed.
Why are you being such a bitch?! I am having a breakdown here.
I'm a manager now.
I've got responsibilities.
Look.
20 unanswered emails from head office.
I can't afford to be a slacker any more.
Argh! OMFG! Look at the cut of those harems.
I think I've just died and gone to fashion heaven.
"Roger Simons, the new enfant terrible of the fashion world.
Blowing everybody out of the water with his designs.
" Fuck me.
I don't think so, darling.
Not unless my gaydar is seriously out of batteries.
I went to school with him.
Shut your titting face! He was a dick! He was the uncoolest, fattest kid in the No way! Yes way, girlfriend.
He didn't even take Art as an option.
I want to vomit.
I can't look.
Read the email.
He's designing a capsule range for us.
He chose us! Didn't want it to get out apparently.
So only the creatives have been kept in the loop so far.
Creatives? Right.
Brilliant (!) You need to share a special, truthful memory with Lucy in order to lift the switch.
Something you experienced together which meant something.
I know what'll do it.
Oh, my sweet spirit.
I know! Contortionist, isn't she?! There must be something else.
Anything? Hang on.
Where did you get your necklace from? Um Er I don't know.
I can't remember.
Glastonbury 2007.
Ring any bells? We nearly got married in the inflatable church.
Then you took a knock and we had to carry you to first-aid in a wheelbarrow.
Liability as bloody always.
Stella, open the door.
Why haven't you gone? I want to talk to you.
I don't want to talk to you! I know you remember.
The spell lifted.
I saw it.
No, it didn't.
Piss off! Open the door! Stel! Stelly-jelly-bellies! What have I said about calling me that? Hello, sweetheart! Shall we intervene? This is what needs to happen.
One last showdown, then it's over and Stella can move on.
Can we handle one of their showdowns, though? You'll be fine.
Where are you going? Can't leave me on my own with them! I have to go out.
I need to find a proper job.
Switch me if it goes tits up.
Sorry, they're - Oh, my mistake.
You're the double of a woman I interviewed last week.
Did she get it? Sorry? Did she get the job? She wasn't right in the end.
We're looking for a maverick.
Someone with dynamism, ballsy.
I'm looking for a job.
Why don't we cut out the middle man and you interview me now? Hows about that for ballsy? Thing is, it might not be for you.
Hit me with it.
OK.
I work for a company called Testsure Security Limited.
We're employed by corporations to test the efficiency of their security systems check they're working as they should.
This position is for someone to target security guards and ensure they're up to scratch.
Our new operative would visit designated stores and attempt to elicit goods.
You're paying someone to shoplift? To put it crudely, yeah.
We are.
If you're successful we know the security's lax and we return the goods with a full report.
If you get caught you simply present the store with this, which verifies you're working on behalf of Testsure.
So I'd be like an undercover agent.
Kind of.
This is my dream job.
I didn't even know it existed.
It's like the jigsaw pieces of my life are falling into place.
What about experience? Boots every Saturday when I was 15.
Eye-liners, nail varnish, the lot.
Woolworth's pick and mix.
Swiped all the cola bottles in one go once.
I'm discreet, trustworthy, a team player and if you give me a chance I'll prove myself, I promise.
This type of work is completely confidential.
It totally jeopardises our business if we discuss it with anyone.
OK, look, I like you.
What about a trial? See how you get on.
Thank you, Julian.
Welcome to Testsure, Hannah.
Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart.
Can't you be happy for him? He struggled academically and now he's hit the big-time.
Inspirational.
I struggled academically.
Where did that get me? Huh? Just because I met some well-connected little toff He spent his work experience in Paris.
I was in a jam factory in Borehamwood.
Excuse me.
Are you the manager? I bought this last week.
I've only worn it once and already the seam's started to come away.
What do you expect? It was 25 quid! What are you doing? Lucy came over.
The switch has been lifted.
Any breakages? Not yet.
It's been fairly quiet.
You're early.
I hate my stupid shit job.
I've got to do something.
I know I said I was going to grow up and I am.
But can we charm my portfolio? I don't want to manage one of those shops.
I want to design for them.
Has she always been that impossible? Yep.
Fancy doing a quick switch? Take your mind off it? I'm not in the space, Jude.
Good news and bad news.
Good news, got a job.
Brilliant! Bad news is if I tell you what it is I'll have to kill you.
This is the one I've been waiting for.
Right.
She's been gone an hour and landed the job of her dreams.
I've been designing for years.
I deserve some help.
Cauldron now! Spirit, please, let those in charge recognise this talent large.
All she needs is - Stella! Just keep going.
All she needs is one big break, a seal she can no longer fake.
OK, so you know the drill.
Hysterical screaming or prolonged silences and I am straight in there.
'Portfolio, time to work your magic.
' Do you think you could take over in a bit? Sorry.
Gotta strike while the iron's hot.
Come on.
It's not fair.
Where are you going? I told you! No questions.
When will you be back? I'll take over again in a bit.
Hey! Hey.
Oh, you just missed her.
If you run you'll catch her.
I'm not here to see Jude.
Oh.
Just came to get my guitar.
Oh, right.
Great.
Is that OK, then if I come in and get it? Oh, my God, yes.
Come and get it.
Your guitar.
Operation Testsure, May 20th 2012.
Arrived at destination.
Target in sight.
I'm going in.
I don't even know what you're still doing here.
Yes, I remember everything.
Job done.
Thank you.
Now can you go so I can get on with my life? Can you, Stel? Can you get on with your life without me? Yes! So I'm nothing to you any more? I'm just dead to you.
Throw me a bone, Stella.
OK.
So we had some good times.
At last.
Thank you.
But they were mostly bad, Lucy.
What if I told you I'd changed? It's beside the point.
It's gone.
We can't go back.
We can.
We can go back to the future.
That doesn't even make sense.
The best things in life don't.
I'm not moving from this bed until you hear me out.
This is officially a peaceful sit-in.
Hi.
I'm here to see the creative director.
Can I take your name, please? Yeah.
Thing is she doesn't actually know me.
I mean, I haven't actually got an appointment.
All I want is two minutes.
I brought my port-.
.
folio.
Yeah.
If you could ask her to come down or I could leave it.
No unsolicited material.
Look Wendy Do you really think reading my name badge is going to impress me? Did anything come for me? Yes.
This arrived by courier.
Excuse me! Where are you going?! I'm a designer and wondered if you could spare ten seconds.
It's OK.
Could you come up to my office for a chat? It's not been easy for me, Stella.
That's all I'm trying to say.
I hated the thought you wanted to wipe me out of your head.
It was the only way I thought I could draw a line under it.
For good.
Just press delete and move on.
I'm not one of your Excel spreadsheets, Stella.
I was heartbroken.
Were you? Course I was.
So was I.
Still am.
I made a massive mistake.
And I've spent every second of the past five years regretting it.
There's an exercise book full of poems under the bed to prove it.
About me? Some of them were political but yes, they were mainly about you.
I'd do anything to put things right.
It's a bit late now.
I don't think it is.
OK, everyone.
Slight change to the agenda.
As you know, since John Paul left us, we've struggled to find somebody with an equally exciting vision.
Meet Jude.
Jude, what would you say to coming on board as our head designer? I'd say yes! Please! I've got my own office and it's bigger than my flat! OMFG! OMFG! I'm cocking hyperventilating! I know! What should I tell work? Tell them they can shove their poxy manager's job right up their Jude.
It's the head designer's task to lead the weekly team meetings.
Right.
OK.
Um when does that? Fridays at 11.
Hi, everybody! That's right.
Squeeze in.
Oh, here comes some more of you.
So um How does this um What normally happens in um? What happens in these meetings cos every company's different and I don't want to storm in here.
Can you describe your vision for next year's spring/summer range? Absolutely.
Spring/summer.
I'm thinking fabrics.
Lots of different fabric.
Cambrosini and burrata have been quite popular for spring/summer the past few seasons.
Are you going to continue with those or do you think you'll switch to something heavier like ziblonay? Yes! Anything else? Will you follow the trend for swackets, warts and moobs? How dare you?! You know what? I won't even dignify that with an answer.
OK.
I think we've covered everything.
That was ace! I wish I could play an instrument.
Are you familiar with the tambourine? You shake the fuck out of it.
Mate, you OWN that tambourine! You think? Yeah, definitely! You're ace, you are.
What? I can't hear a thing.
Is that a good sign? No.
Prolonged silences or hysterical screaming.
Both bad.
Three, two, one.
Ohhh! Anyone sitting here? Great.
New girl.
Billy no mates.
Hi.
I'm Jo.
I'm the intern.
Great! How you getting on? I love it.
Designing's all I've ever wanted to do.
I want to be you basically.
Can I ask you a question? Shoot.
How did you get here? What did you do before? You're a fashion intern and you've never heard of Jude Thomas? I am so sorry! I'm usually really up to speed with the industry.
It's fine.
You can't know everything.
I try to keep on top of everything but I just don't have time any more.
Not with all my other work.
You have another job apart from this? Three.
I can't afford to do it otherwise.
We haven't had this much for a while.
Their head office are not going to be impressed.
This particular store is problematic.
You should go back in so we can file a conclusive report and deliver our findings on it.
He won't get the sack, will he? Hopefully, yeah.
Can't they send him on a training course? This is business.
It's cut-throat.
Wheat from chaff.
You eliminate the chaff.
You don't keep watering the chaff.
What are you, Hannah? Are you wheat or chaff? Wheat? You're wheat.
You are wheat.
Now get out into that field! That was Oh, my God.
How do you get your leg that far? Really? Stella's laid back as ever, Gracie.
Why didn't you knock? Hysterical screaming or prolonged silences! So what is this? Are you two back together? Well, we're gonna just play it by ear.
See how it goes.
Connecting again.
Well, you certainly were.
We're not going to connect properly if we don't give it a proper go, are we? Lucy's moving in.
I am wheat.
I am wheat.
I AM wheat.
He won't get the sack, will he? Hopefully, yeah.
Madam, can I see what you're concealing under your coat? Thank God.
I thought you'd never notice.
You are one shit-hot security guard.
You should be promoted or something! I'm from Testsure.
Well done, mate.
Call the police, Gordon.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hang on.
I'm waiting for my ID card to come through but this should do for now.
Testsure? Security.
Never heard of them.
White, no sugars.
Wicked.
Thank you.
Jude, I know you're really busy and this is probably I was just wondering if um I'm sorry.
You're really busy.
It's OK.
Go on.
Could I show you my portfolio? Course.
Jo, these are fantastic.
Really? Yeah.
You're properly talented.
Thank you! I don't mind working for nothing here if it gets me to where I want to be.
But I wonder if there's anything else I should do.
I don't have any contacts or anything but if you've got any advice.
I don't think there are any shortcuts.
You've just got to work hard and trust you get there in the end.
We need costings and fabric ordered.
Can you take care of it? Um if you're after a bit more responsibility do you want to take care of this? You'd trust me to do that? Of course.
All booked, Luce! Shhh! Me and Lucy are going to Ibiza for four weeks! Woo-hoo! Bring on Balearic-style baby! What about work? If Janet doesn't like it, then She can bloody well lump it, then, can't she?! You love your job.
Women's tea, please, Stel.
Has anyone been around looking for me? Anyone official? I'm in serious shit.
With work? What's wrong, babe? Lost another job? Not a lot changes round here.
No, I haven't! She can't talk about it.
It's top secret.
Really important.
Hannah's going places now, Lucy.
I am, yeah.
If the door goes I'm not in, OK? OK.
I take it I'm off crisis duty now, then.
Yeah.
Thanks so much.
That was lots of fun.
You didn't Thank you.
You're all right.
Did Jude mention my gig tonight? I don't know if you're around but - A gig?! Hell, yeah, we should all go.
House night out.
You're not still agoraphobic, are you, Grace? No.
I've never been agoraphobic.
I just um I didn't like going out but I do now.
I go out all the time.
Bloody mad for it! Cool.
I'll stick your names on the door.
Pushing your comfort zone there a bit, Grace.
I like it.
Opposites attract and all that.
What? Oh, no, that's um Jude's boyfriend.
Fling.
Person.
I don't know.
My mistake.
Stick, wrong end of.
What the hell is going on? I've just had the supplier on the phone.
These costings are out and every fabric is wrong! That wasn't actually me, though.
Then who was it? Jo.
The little intern.
She said she could handle it.
Right.
How dare you assume you can make an order?! Do you know how much time and money you have cost me? Now get your things and get out! Get out! What is that? Is it wheat? I think I've just eaten wheat! Yes, it's wheat.
Why? I'm allergic! It could lead to a fecal impaction! Let's get you to bed, babe.
No.
Don't move me.
What is she doing in my house? Stella and Lucy are back together! And she's moved in! Little shindig tonight to celebrate, Jude.
Fancy it? Like the good old days.
Are you sure you'll be well enough? No, I don't think I will, but I don't want to let anyone down.
It's not my style.
I'm going to a gig actually.
In fact it's a date.
I know! Grace told us.
We're all going.
No, that's not I didn't.
Aw, look at this! We're all back together like the good old days! Can I get a group hug about now? OK, crisis talks.
What do we do? First can I have five minutes? Why? Bit of a major fuck-up on the work front.
I'm a major cow with no morals and I don't think And I've got a possible fugitive situation on my hands.
You two are so selfish! We're responsible for Stella's happiness and all you care about is yourselves? Enough, Miss Moral Highground! You started this and now you're shitting it cos it hasn't gone to plan.
Look we're not responsible for Stella's happiness.
The spell's been lifted.
If she chooses Lucy in the cold light of day, we might not like it but tough tits.
It's her choice.
Yeah.
Spose.
Sorry.
What did you want to talk about? It's all right.
I know what I'm gonna do now.
Han? The less you know the better.
I'm not bringing you down with me.
I created this mess and I will get myself out.
Even if it takes years to clear my name, I will fight to the end for justice.
There'll probably be a film.
It's not gonna last anyway.
Do you reckon? Not a chance.
I want to make a bloody toast.
To second chances! Whoa! Second chances! I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.
I don't even think she's gay.
I swear she keeps giving Gerry the eye.
It's not like you to get jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I couldn't give a shit.
I just don't want her dicking Stella round again.
So you're not really bothered about him, then? Dunno.
But he does look fit with a guitar, doesn't he? Stel, are you sure about this? Yeah, course I am.
It's just It was a pretty intense relationship, wasn't it? Lucy can be quite demanding.
Full on.
You're talking about Lucy five years ago.
She's changed.
Anyway you've no right to dictate how I live my life.
You've done enough of that already.
Stel! Bit harsh, mate.
As harsh as it was for me spending years trying to figure out why I couldn't have a relationship.
Not fair.
That switch was your idea.
And we only agreed cos we hated seeing you so sad.
And now you hate seeing me happy! No.
Well, then, can you let me get on with my life, please? You've done enough damage.
Sorry.
I'll be two seconds.
Stel, there's been a bit of a thing with my card at the bar.
Could you? I'm so sorry.
Stella's not your cash cow, Hannah.
Cash cow? It's 15 quid.
It's fine.
Here.
We talked about this.
You promised.
Things are going to be different.
No more mothering.
A little bit of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
After party back at ours?! Come on, everyone! Woo-hoo! Come on.
I'll lend you the money.
Shit.
I thought this was the bathroom.
Bit mental in there.
I thought you'd like mental.
Not all the time.
Wow.
This is Not like Jude's room.
No.
She is messy.
Not that that's a bad thing.
It's because she's so creative.
I'm not slagging her off.
She's my best friend.
I love her.
Yeah, I know.
Of course.
So do I.
I mean I don't love love her, I You know, she's great.
Fantastic.
She is, yeah.
She's amazing.
Amazing.
She's really kind and funny.
She's hilarious.
And gorgeous.
Oh, yes, she's fucking beautiful.
Me and my girlfriend! That's it! Everybody out! Party's over! Now! Calm down! Calm down?! Don't tell me to calm down, you gobshite! Lucy, this is crazy! Crazy?! Do you wanna see crazy? I'll give you crazy! Oh, shit.
Knife drawer.
It's all right.
It's only a whisk.
Can somebody help me out, please?! Enough is enough.
Lunatic! I hardly think you've got any room to criticise.
Stella, these people aren't your friends.
They're just using you.
No! I'd butt out of it if I were you, Mary Poppins! They're a gang of losers.
They might be losers but they're my losers! Now get the fuck out of my house! Oh, I see.
Straight back to the coven like a bloody puppet.
Nothing's changed, has it?! No, it hasn't.
Goodbye, Lucy.
That was my life? Yeah.
You're free now, Stel.
We didn't even use magic.
Well, if anyone fancies a little switch now Definitely.
What's it for? Actually, it's a bit embarrassing.
It's about my new job.
Something of his.
Spirit kind, spirit wise, a friend's been told a pack of lies.
Give him an unlikely brief to turn into a common thief.
Teach this rogue a lesson fast, let this scam be his last.
From now until the day he dies, banish him from telling lies! My name is Rupert Peabody and I'm a pathetic con man with an incredibly small penis.
You want to leave? Already.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
This is an amazing opportunity, it's just that I've got other things in the pipeline.
I'm setting up on my own.
It's a risk but I need to see if it will work.
Right.
There's nothing I can say to persuade you to stay? I've made up my mind.
Thank you.
Also, there's um something I should tell you.
I messed up yesterday.
It was my fault not the intern's.
I see.
She's actually brilliant.
You should look at her work.
Maybe offer her a proper paid role.
Is the stall ready? 'Yeah, come on down!' Jude, this is the best idea you've ever had.
I love it.
Everyone's so friendly.
Fuck off, Baz, you big old twat! He's hilarious.
Come on.
Jackie, you're a diamond.
Right, come on.
Let's get this show on the road.
Are you sure we're doing the right thing? Shut up! I don't know why we've never thought of it before.
You do the creative stuff, I do the retail side.
It's perfect.
It is! What have you got to lose? You can still work in the shop.
Where's the rest? This is what you get without using magic.
It's a start.
Baby steps.
But this is the way, Jude.
I'll have the lot! Oh, hello.
Oh, look who it is.
That hot girl that was chatting you up in the pub.
Either you go by yourself or we'll drag you over.
Love is definitely in the air.
Oh, customer.
Go.
I want to go home.
I've fucking had it with London.
How about a confidence spell? Are you OK? I feel immense.
Why is there a goat's head in here? Goat's head stew.
Five years since we formed our coven.
I don't care what you've got planned.
You're staying in and having fun with us.
OK? You sold everything? Scouser, didn't you watch my stuff? Not the bloody T-shirts again? Yes, the bloody T-shirts again.
Meet India, your new PA.
I'm here to destroy you and your career and your company.