Ted Lasso (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

Whoo! Fuck! Siri, call Shithead.
Oh! Good morning.
There is nothing in The Sun about Ted and Keeley.
Nothing.
Are you in your office? Of course I am.
Then get up here now.
Bye, boys.
Tell Mum I love her.
Knock, knock.
Hey, boss, I don't know about you, but I had an absolute peach of a Sunday.
Here you go.
Yeah, finally saw Big Ben.
Boy, I thought I'd seen the biggest clock there was.
When I was a kid, my folks took me to the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower up there in Milwaukee.
They ended up leaving me there all by myself.
Yeah, three hours and 42 minutes.
You know how I know that? You were staring at a clock? I was staring at a clock.
That's exactly right.
Yeah, bingo.
That's a little bit of a mystery puzzle.
You figured it out right away.
You're a sharp cookie.
- Ted.
- Yeah.
Speaking as we were mere moments ago, about time, I unfortunately don't have any.
I have a branding meeting, so Oh.
I always feel so bad for the cows, but you gotta do it otherwise they get lost.
That was a branding joke.
If we were in Kansas right now, I'd just be sitting here waiting for you to finish laughing.
Yeah.
I'll see ya tomorrow, okay? - Okay.
Counting the minutes.
- Yeah, there you are.
All right.
Let's see what we got here.
I've got this fella up here, the goalie.
Then all these guys over here, okay? And going over here, going over that way.
This son of a gun's gonna go all the way down here.
Crystal Palace kicked our booties last week.
And this here, is our current offense that we are running, and I think it stinks! Get rid of it.
Now, you might be wondering why'd I draw all that up there just to erase it.
And that is because I believe in symbolic gestures.
- As do I.
- Whoa! What time did you get home last night? - Didn't.
- Really? Oh.
Nah.
Now, look, our whole offense right now is all give-and-go.
Give the ball to Jamie and everyone else can go to hell.
So, I am officially on the prowl for any new ideas, you hear? Oh.
- You got something, Nate? - Uh, no.
Uh, so No.
No.
God, no.
Never mind, I'm sorry.
Come on now.
You're one of us.
Let's go.
Fire away.
What do you got? Okay, right.
Well, it's just, um No, other pocket.
It's just something that I thought of.
Um Sorry.
Jesus.
Not that one.
You know what, it's not even very good.
It's probably really bad.
It's embarrassing even.
- I just - Sorry, Nate.
I have a real tricky time hearing folks that don't believe in themselves.
I'm gonna ask you real quick again.
- Do you think this idea will work? - Yeah, I do.
Whoa! - Why you screaming at us, Nate? - Oh, God! We're right here.
All right, come on now.
Walk us through it.
Okay.
So, I thought if we started the attack on the wing, Jamie could run through nearside, then when the defense follows, Sam could fill his spot.
So, use Jamie as a decoy? No.
No.
Well, yeah, in Yeah, in this case, yes.
Let's give it a shot.
What, you're gonna use my play? Yeah.
I mean, we're gonna try it on, see if it fits.
You know, it might not.
Then again, it might be a very flattering silhouette, and I might wear it right outta the store.
Makes me feel good and I start to strut.
I'm like, "Ooh, I like this.
I like the way this makes me feel".
Show him your strut, Coach.
Yeah, there you go.
Oh, yeah.
Yep, that's how to strut.
Let me see you strut, Nate.
Come on.
There you go, Nate.
Yeah, that's one way to do it.
There you go.
You look a little angry, but that's all right.
That's my fault.
I forgot the pitch is right this way.
Come on, let's go.
Strut this way.
Here we go.
Still strutting.
- I'll see you later.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ted! Hey, um, have you got a minute? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everything okay? - Yeah, yeah.
No, it's fine, yeah.
- It's not fine.
Everything's shit.
- Oh, no.
This was gonna be the front page of The Sun today.
"Manager Shags Star Player's Girlfriend".
I think a more accurate headline would be, "Manager Innocently Feeds Young Woman Whose Relationship Does Not Define Her".
Ted, this is really bad! Except I look insanely fit in this picture.
Yeah, no, it's beautiful light.
My friend who works at the paper said he can hold this story for one day - as a favor.
- Mm-hmm.
When this shit hits, Jamie is going to go mental.
There's going to be photographers all over us.
Right, right.
The next picture of me will not be this perfect.
I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like - Guess what the headline will be.
- Gesundheit? "Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart".
- Did you just come up with that? - Yeah.
- Everyone would read that.
- Of course they would.
You have no idea the power of rhyming in this goddamn country.
Yeah.
Oh, "Lasso Makes Passo and Creates Team Fiasco".
Whoa.
Keeley's got bars.
Yeah, I'm cute as a button and I can rhyme my ass off.
God, it's no wonder they want to destroy me.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, it took me so long to get up the stairs.
I was stopped to talk by about a hundred people.
Still nothing.
Get someone to run the story about Ted and Keeley.
- Hey, boss.
- Ted! And Keeley.
Hello.
Hey, I found that in the hall.
Yeah.
So, we got ourselves a situation here.
Go ahead, show her the picture, yeah.
See? And the fucking Sun is running it tomorrow.
Honestly, these people, they just have no regard for people's privacy and dignity.
Yeah, I'm gonna find the piece of shit that took this and who hired them.
No, no.
Not necessary.
I know the owner of the paper.
I can get this stopped with a phone call.
Really? Oh, my God.
Thank you.
See, what I tell ya, huh? This woman right here is strong, confident and powerful.
Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it either.
Oh.
That's not a compliment I've had before.
- You do have perfect action figure-y arms.
- Yeah.
There's another one.
Anyway, glad to help.
- All right.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- See y'all later.
There's no way she can trace that photo back to me, can she? - Yes.
- What do you mean "yes"? Did you not use an alias or a burner phone? I'm not a spy, Rebecca.
I'm just the director of football operations.
And equally proficient at both.
Well, thank you.
Wait Okay, here we go.
Sam lays it for Dickson.
Okay, nice touch.
Switch to Bumbercatch.
Jamie decoys through.
- Sam wide open.
- There it is! Whoo! Nice play, Nate.
How you feel? I just don't know.
So many new feelings.
Yeah.
Kinda like getting your first pube, right? - Yeah.
What? - Here we go.
All right.
Hey.
Nice work.
Okay, now, gentlemen, here's the other thing we're gonna start focusing on.
Making quicker transitions from offense to defense.
Y'all gotta start making your hellos goodbyes.
You understand? Easiest way to get that done well is to do it well.
But aside from that, you gotta be in great shape, right? So, we are all gonna run two laps around this field.
Anyone who loses to me has to run four more.
Let's go! - Okay, come on.
What you got? - What's going on? You're catching up.
Don't cut that corner! Come on.
You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man.
Faster, boys! - Look at his face.
- Colin, Isaac, please stop.
Yeah, it really hurts now.
It really hurts.
Be careful, Colin, now.
That's our new coach.
- Oh, right, boyo.
- Yeah.
Sorry, gaffer.
Thank you.
Whoo! Okay, way to run out there today, fellas.
You guys are much faster than me.
Except Coach Beard.
What's going on? I thought you ran track in high school or something.
- Chess team, Coach.
- Mm-hmm.
Illinois State Champs, baby.
Okay, yeah.
Illinois is a state, fellas.
Uh, one last thing, there are some gifts up in y'all's lockers.
In your little cubbies up there.
So, hope you enjoy 'em.
It's a fucking book.
Nice one, bitch boy.
- Hey.
- Yeah, I just thought you should know that your boy Nathan's being harassed every single day by Jamie and his little side-pricks.
- Right.
- So you know already? Yep.
So, you'll take care of it? No.
What the fuck? Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough-and-tumble playgrounds of Brookridge Elementary School.
One, if little Ronnie Fowch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no, and you get the hell outta there.
'Cause there's a good chance that little son of a gun has just pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper.
No one ever saw him do it, but a couple people ate it.
Number two, if the teacher tells the bully not to pick on someone, it's just gonna make it worse.
So, you're not gonna do anything? No.
Why you winding him up? He's the one, Coach.
If we're gonna make an impact here, the first domino that needs to fall is right inside that man's heart.
Yes.
- Jamie, can I ask you something? - It's 40 kilos.
I do three sets of ten.
And then I alternate between bis and tris.
I don't give a shit what you lift, you little pretty boy.
Yeah, you do, 'cause you asked.
Can you curl 40 kilos? No, but I can use your balls as a speed bag.
- Do you wanna try that? - Not especially.
Do you even understand the influence you have on this team? - I'm the shit, yeah.
- No, you're a bellend.
But because your right foot was kissed by God the boys look up to you.
It's made me question my own faith.
So, when they pick on Nate and you laugh Yeah.
they think it's okay.
Right, 'cause Nate's a weak baby and he can't do anything about it.
Yeah, all right.
I'll take care of it.
Nate's a good lad.
Good.
Hey, Roy.
You comin' to the club tonight? Hold on, will you be there? - Of course, bruv.
- Then fuck no.
Colin, Isaac, come here.
You know how you two are always messing with Nate? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Keep it up.
Makes me laugh.
- Good morning, Higgins.
- Oh, good morning.
I was just Waiting at the entrance so I'd see you were here on time.
Exactly.
You seem in good spirits.
Yes, I am.
I've just realized something.
Who cares if we can't run that picture? The bigger issue is that the local community is getting behind the team no matter how badly they play.
Mm.
It is an outstanding fan base.
Yes, one I believe I can put an end to.
Hooray.
No.
Okay.
I'll go back there.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
So, I spoke to the owner of The Sun.
You spoke to God? - No, the newspaper.
- Oh, right.
And he has agreed to not run the photo of you and Keeley.
MVP! MVP! MVP! - Left leg! Whoo! Right leg, not as good! - Okay.
- Yeah! - Yes.
Okay, thank you, Ted.
Sorry.
Yeah, no.
You were saying.
Go ahead.
In exchange, I've agreed for his more reputable newspaper, The Independent, to do a profile on you.
"One-on-One with Coach Lasso".
Yeah, okay.
- The writer will be Trent Crimm.
- Hmm.
And he's very good, and the supporters really listen to him.
Oh, no.
I know Trent, yeah.
He's a tough cookie.
- Really? - Yeah, but that's okay.
You know what you do with tough cookies, don't ya? - No.
- Dip 'em in milk.
All right, let's run that new one.
Hey, there he is.
Hello, Coach Ted Lasso from America.
Hello, Trent Crimm from The Independent.
Hey, excited to spend the day with ya.
Gonna be fun.
And please, call me Ted.
All right, let's go! Wide open.
- Yeah! - Ooh! Snuck it by him.
Thataway, Sammy.
How'd that feel? Oh, wonderful, Coach.
I felt that one in my penis.
Yeah.
No, that sounds about right.
That's good.
Yeah.
Hey, Jamie, you gotta sell that run-through hard, baby.
Make the defense believe you.
Watch, like this.
Ball! Ball! Give me the ball! I want the ball! Give me the ball! I would like the ball, please! Make it a performance.
I want you winning an Oscar at the ESPYs next year.
You want me to run decoy? Yeah, that's right.
It's a joke.
Unfortunately for you, though, no one thinks it's funny.
That true? Um, agree to disagree.
I find it hilarious.
I thought it was funnier than Step Brothers.
Ooh.
High praise.
That scene where the bunk bed collapses I used to think that was the funniest thing I'd ever seen, but then I just saw that.
And now I'm gonna have to rethink my order of what I think is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah, that's when sports and art combine, as far as I'm concerned.
All right, fellas, let's run it again.
Let's go.
Cheers.
Yeah, they're getting it.
They're getting it.
Interesting play, Ted.
Did you come up with this? Oh, no, no, no.
This is all cooked up by our very own Nate the Great.
Who's "Nate the Great"? Oh, yeah.
There he is.
Someone's been walking their dog here.
Found another poo.
Okay.
What exactly does "Nate the Great" do? I'm not exactly sure what his title is.
Hey, Coach.
What is Nate's job around here? - Kit man.
- There you go.
Kit man.
Do you mean to tell me you're entrusting a Premier League team's attack to the kit man? That young fellow's forgotten more about this sport than I'll ever know.
Heck, might be a genius.
Anything to add, Coach? Good kid.
Boy, oh boy.
If you knew Coach Beard, you'd know what a big deal that was.
You mean that, don't you? Whoa.
Well, hell.
There's your story right there.
Got a headline and everything.
"Man Nods Head".
Watch your back, Gay Talese.
There's a new iconic profile about to be typed up by one Trent Crimm.
Tighten up those lines! Let 'em know, Coach.
Come on.
Get a towel.
- Oh, God.
No, no, no.
- Get a towel.
- Let go.
Please, God.
Stop it.
No.
- Oi, oi! What the fuck are you doing? Jamie not talk to you about leaving him alone? Fuck's sake.
- You look like you've forgotten something.
- Hi, Keeley.
I'm looking for your prick boyfriend.
You know how to pick 'em, don't ya? Um, didn't your last girlfriend steal your Rolex and sell it for drug money? So? I don't need a phone and a watch.
Look, I didn't sign up to be your boyfriend's minder, okay? But the new gaffer's trying to make me feel responsible for fucking Nate, whose last name I don't even know.
It's Barnes.
No.
It's Shelley.
Yeah, I know.
I don't like being tricked.
Not by you and not by, "Howdy y'all, cowboys.
My name is Ted Lasso and I'm from Kansas".
Wow, you're, like, really, really bad at impressions, man.
I know he's trying to push my buttons, but I cannot be manipulated.
Come on.
I could push all of your buttons right now if I wanted to.
- No, you couldn't, Keeley - I think, actually, I could.
- You couldn't, Keeley - What was that? - No, Keeley.
- I can't seem to hear you.
- Keeley, if you would listen to me - I'm trying to listen to you.
- I could tell you why - So tell me.
Is that making you mad? No.
No.
"I'm Roy Kent and I get paid to play a game, but I'm mad all the time".
That's actually pretty good.
- Hey, Trent.
- Mm? - You know who you remind me of right now? - No.
Who? One of them robot vacuums.
Just kinda wandering around looking for dirt.
- Roomba.
- That's the one.
- Actually, I have a question.
- Mm-hmm.
After your resounding loss to Crystal Palace, one of your players said there was a party in the locker room.
Do you feel it sends the right message having a party after a loss? Well, Trent, I've never really concerned myself too much with wins and losses.
Now that's a quote I'll probably use.
You should get going.
Hey, will you let Roy know we're heading out soon? - Copy.
- Thanks, Coach.
You wanna tag along? We're gonna go speak to some schoolkids.
Oh, what a coincidence.
The day of our interview you just happen to be visiting a local school.
Well, that's the funny thing about coincidences, ain't it? Sometimes they just happen.
Come on now.
Come in.
I just wanted to come and thank you again for stopping that picture from running.
And I bought you a present.
Made me think of you.
It's strong and a bit prickly.
You know, I've decided to not be scared of you anymore.
I didn't know you were.
Oh, yeah.
I was, like, fucking terrified of you.
My God, Jamie would have been so pissed off with reporters poking around in our love life.
I don't know why I'm telling you.
You know all about that, don't you? Remember when you got divorced? It rings a bell.
Yeah, I mean, didn't it, like, make you really mad that they went after you and not Rupert? 'Cause he was the one that cheated and he came across like Prince Charming.
It really pissed me off.
Well, the press are never awful to men.
No one ever pays a fortune for a photo of a naked man on a yacht in Mallorca a week after his divorce.
Whoa.
That's like a very specific scenario.
Oh, my God.
That means there's a picture of you naked on a yacht.
Can I see it? Is it here? Come on.
You wouldn't have said something if you weren't dying to show someone.
Please.
It was taken from a helicopter while I was sunbathing.
Holy shit, Rebecca.
Are those your real tits? I feel like a teenage boy.
I can't stop staring at them.
Where did you get those? My mum.
I can't believe you stopped this from running.
I would have shown everyone.
Right.
I-I really need to get on.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Bye.
Shoes.
Shoes.
Yes.
Wow, you really blew my brains out with those beautiful breasts of yours, Rebecca.
When I first saw our school football squad, I didn't think that Richmond Primary would win a single game, much less the league championship.
To celebrate, please welcome the new manager of AFC Richmond, Ed Lasso.
Thank you.
I appreciate you.
All right.
Hey, gang.
How y'all doing? - Wanker.
- Jacob.
It's all right.
Uh, look, I just wanted to come down and congratulate y'all on a heck of a season.
But hey, I know someone else who's really excited to meet all of ya.
So if you please help me welcome the captain of your AFC Richmond squad, Roy Kent.
Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy! Right.
Never been much for public speaking or school, really.
Always seemed like a waste of time to me.
Why don't we get out of this stuffy auditorium, go out on the pitch and have a proper fuck-about? I think it's really cool you do this.
Only doing it 'cause my fucking niece goes here.
- Oh, yeah? Which one is she? - That idiot.
Oh, boy, here she comes.
Can we do headers, Uncle Roy? Yeah, all right.
Come on then.
All right.
Come on, you lot.
Line up.
Heads.
Lovely.
Next.
Go.
Perfect.
Next.
Heads.
Next.
Well done.
Next.
Ooh, ooh! Next.
Sweet.
Lovely.
I liked it.
- Good.
- Roy, come on.
You hop in there, show 'em how it's done.
I'll do a couple.
How you doing? Ready? Come on.
Ooh, that's the spot.
Come on.
Here we go, Phoebe.
Let's see what you got.
Hey, nice catch.
We might have ourselves a goalie.
Boy, oh boy.
That was right in the button.
Aah.
Good job, Phoebe.
Oh! Oh boy.
Sorry about the blood there.
There you go.
Don't use it to clone me.
Nice meeting you.
Take care now.
That's the longest anyone's ever stayed for something like this.
- Hey, thanks for having us.
- Cheers.
Thanks again.
Roy, that was a blast.
And I tell you what, that niece of yours is a real cutie patootie.
Enough.
I've had it with your mind games and your stupid gifts.
I mean, what even is A Wrinkle in Time? It's a lovely novel.
It's the story of a young girl's struggle with the burden of leadership as she journeys through space.
Yeah.
That's it.
Am I supposed to be the little girl? I'd like you to be.
Right.
None of this matters.
'Cause I'm just doing what everyone in this town is doing, and I'm counting down the days until you're gone.
Trent, you're a colossal prick.
You always have been.
Phoebe, come on.
- Are you hungry? - Hmm.
Little tradition.
Let battle commence.
Ted Lasso? - Hey there, Ollie.
- Leave it out.
What are you doing here? Well, I mean, you invited me, remember? I invite every person who's been in my car.
Oh.
Hey, Ollie.
This is my friend Trent.
- Trent, this is my buddy Ollie.
- Pleased to meet you.
Congrats.
You both just met a cool person.
Right, gentlemen.
You know what you're having? Yeah.
Well, you know, whatever the chef recommends.
Uh, that would be my father-in-law.
Are you okay with a little bit of spice? Have him make it for us like we're a couple members of the family.
You're a brave man.
Oh, man.
Mad respect.
That might not be the wisest of choices.
Here you go, boys.
- Dig in.
- Can't wait.
The smell's already deep inside my brain.
- Gonna love it.
- I appreciate it.
I can't imagine they have good Indian food in Kansas.
Oh, I have no idea.
I've never had Indian food.
- Whoo! - Ooh.
Wow, that I mean, that's hot.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Feel like I'm about to breathe fire.
I don't think I can eat that.
What? No, no, no.
Come on now.
We gotta put a decent dent in this, otherwise we're gonna embarrass Ollie in front of his family.
- No, really, I can't.
- Come on, just dump it on my plate.
Yeah, yeah.
You're good.
So, if you love Kansas so much, why did you Why did you leave to coach a sport you can barely you know anything about? Was it just the money? Wait, I'm supposed to be getting paid? Are you enjoying the food? Tell your father-in-law it's perfect.
Ha! Dad! He says it's perfect! - Ted.
- Mm-hmm? What you're doing is irresponsible.
This club actually means something to this town.
I know that.
I do.
Trent, what do you love? Is it writing? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Well, good, 'cause you're darn good at it.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Me? I love coaching.
Now, I'm gonna say this again just so you didn't think it was a mistake the first time I said it.
For me, success is not about the wins and losses.
It's about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.
And it ain't always easy, Trent, but neither is growing up without someone believing in you.
Let me ask you this.
Is my tongue still in my mouth? 'Cause I am about to hallucinate from all the heat here.
I really should go.
- Deadlines and all.
- Hey, gotta do the work.
Hey, I'll say this though.
I really enjoyed getting to spend this time with you, Trent.
You actually mean that, don't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You all right? Normally, one dish is plenty, but we know how you Americans like to eat, innit? Let's do it, huh? Try that one.
Whoo! - Beautiful, right? - It's beyond beautiful.
It's hot.
"Mrs.
Which's voice was grave.
'What do you understand?' 'That it has to be me.
Can't be anyone else.
'" Fuck! That's a bad word, Uncle Roy.
Oh, mind your own business, Phoebe.
Be good.
- Yes? - I have an advance copy of the article.
- Read it to me.
- Title: "Wayward Ted".
"Whatever you think of Ted Lasso as a football coach, I assure you, the truth is harder to swallow".
- Hey, how you doing? - Good.
How's your nose, Coach? - It's fine.
Thank you for asking.
- "And swallow you must, because Ted is out there in the community either bravely or stupidly facing the music".
- Hey, fellas.
How you doing? - "That's for you to decide".
Piss off, wanker! - Hi.
- Yeah.
- Stop it.
- Every time.
"And yes, he's in over his head.
He insisted twice that he didn't care if Richmond won or lost.
But if the Lasso way is wrong, it's hard to imagine being right".
Mm.
Why have you stopped reading? Please do me the favor of remembering that these aren't my words, it's Trent Crimm.
Keep going.
- "In a business that celebrates ego, - celebrates ego, - Ted reins his in".
- Ted reins his in.
His coaching style is subtle.
It never hits you over the head.
Hello, Roy.
I didn't know it was a retirement party.
Shit! Stop messing with Nate! Now, I don't know which one of you I nutted, 'cause I don't see so well at night anymore, but that goes for all of you! Slowly growing until you can no longer ignore its presence.
Vanilla vodka.
Such a child.
Keeley.
Roy.
Whether that means allowing followers to become leaders or in a show of respect, eating food so spicy it's sure to wreak massive havoc on his intestinal system.
Keys, keys, keys.
Okay, here we go.
Oh boy.
Oh boy.
And though I believe that Ted Lasso will fail here and Richmond will suffer the embarrassment of relegation, I won't gloat when it happens.
Because I can't help but root for him.
Fuck!