Teen Titans (2003) s01e03 Episode Script
Divide and Conquer
The HIVE Academy for Extraordinary Young People is proud to introduce
this years top graduates.
Gizmo - the boy genius whose intellect can conquer any problem with an inventive solution.
Jinx - the enchanting sorceress whose powerful hexes mean bad luck for her enemies.
And Mammoth - the genetically enhanced giant whose unstoppable strength speaks for itself.
Well-organized, highly trained, and combat-equipped these new HAEYP agents are the perfect fighting force.
And for the right price this ideal team can be yours.
Well, Mr.
Slade? Impressive.
Truly.
However, robots and obstacle courses only prove so much.
My plans demand operatives who can function in the real world.
If your students are going to serve me theyll have to pass one final exam.
Destroy the Teen Titans- -and then well talk.
Aw, man, come on! Its gotta be around here someplace! I dont believe this! How could you lose the remote? What makes you so sure I lost it? Uh cause youre you.
Hey! Just because I lost that video game- -and the toothpaste, and my football, and the waffle iron- Things disappear.
How am I supposed to know where they go? Well, how am I supposed to watch TV without a remote? Simple.
You just get up and change the channel.
Dont even joke like that.
I wasnt joking.
Good, cause it wasnt funny! Now either help us look for the remote- -or go back to your nasty old book and- This is a pointless argument over a useless device.
You are wasting your energy and disrupting my concentration.
Im telling you, I didnt lose it! You were the one watching TV last! And that is the secret to traveling faster than light.
So if you want to blame someone- -look in the mirror, buddy! Whoa! Take it easy, Titans! Combat practice is this afternoon! We must mend your dispute by the sharing of unhealthy junk foods.
I shall fetch them.
I dont need food! Maybe we should just go out for pizza.
Can we please just order something? As long as its vegetarian.
Come on, man, how can you deny me the all-meat experience? Dude, Ive been most of those animals! I suggest a large pizza with pickles, bananas, and mint frosting.
Uh, Starfire? Not everything on the menu is a pizza topping.
Double pepperoni! Im not eating meat! Theres no meat in pepperoni! Gizmo to Jinx.
Begin Phase One.
Titans! Go! Um dont buses normally have drivers? And dont baby carriages normally have babies? Are you pit-sniffers normally this stupid? That was too easy.
What a buncha cludge-heads.
You guys want to get pizza? This isnt over! Were just getting started! Who are these guys? And whats a cludge-head? We are the HIVE! Your worst nightmare! And this is Attack Pattern Alpha! What do you call an idiot with a rocket on his back? Huh? Doomed! Cyborg! You fight like a boy.
And youre gonna croak like a frog! Hah! Mammoths gonna make you extinct! Beast Boy! Hang on! Is it me, or are we getting our butts kicked? Its just you.
Listen up, team.
I have a plan.
Gee, scrum-buffer.
Sure hope your fancy plan includes getting fried! Youll just have to find out the hard way.
That didnt just happen.
Tell me that didnt just happen.
It did happen.
We cannot change the truth, no matter how much we dislike it.
Who knew we had a doctor in the house? Thanks.
No problem.
Maybe yall should call me Flyborg.
I was halfway to Gotham City before Star zapped that thing off my back.
So whatd I miss? Tell me how we kicked their butts.
Come on, I gotta have the play-by-play.
Where is Robin? Um, Star? Were not sure.
Not sure? Why are you not We searched everywhere.
And all we found was this.
I shoulda been there.
I let that kid sneak up on me andwhat was I? It was a trap, and II shoulda known.
I do not understand.
How could you not find him? People do not just vanish! He has to be someplace, so go there and look! Easy, Star.
Come on.
This is Robin were talking about.
Im sure hes fine.
Hell probably turn up any second.
Awesome timing.
Robin! Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
You guys got lucky last time, but youre in our house now! Yeah, nice place.
Well take it! Split up! Here, kitty, kitty.
Whats the matter? Afraid of a little bad luck? Hello, ladies.
Hey! So, Tin Man, you got a heart under all that outdated crud-ware? Not telling? Guess Ill have to take you apart and find out! Lost her.
This just isnt your lucky day.
Gotcha! Let me go, you scuzz-munching zit! How you gonna fight me without your tech? Huh? Yo, what are you- Get out of my systems! Nobody hacks my systems! Ooh, ejector arm.
Cool! My arm! Get off! Get off me! Stop! Have a nice afterlife, you snot-eating losers! That didnt just happen.
Tell me that didnt just happen.
Get out of my systems.
Get off me.
Robin.
Where is Robin? I do not understand.
We searched everywhere.
How could you not find him? All we found was this.
People do not just vanish.
I shoulda been there.
I shoulda known.
So, uh who else never wants to go surfing again? Not now, man.
Hey, I was just trying to- Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
I got it.
But you are so damaged and- I got it! Hey! She only wanted to help! What is your problem? What do you think? We got kicked out of our house, a pint-size Poindexter took me for a joyride, and in case you havent noticed, I just became left-handed! Enough! We need to control our emotions.
Or what? Our bad vibes will keep you from meditating? I wish Robin were here.
Well, hes not! Dont you guys get it? They won, we lost.
IT'S OVER!! Then the Teen Titans are finished? Not yet.
Not if I can help it.
Higher a little to the left a little more and perfect! Slades gonna have kittens when he hears we whipped the Titans and took their stinking Tower! Not to mention Robins favorite fashion statement.
But thats the only thing fashionable around here.
Tell me about it.
Hmph.
All their food is way out of date.
You think that stuffs rotten? Wait til you see their music.
Crud snot mega-crud snot Does she have anything thats not blue? Ugh.
Crud snot Hey! What the hairball? Sorry to interrupt the victory celebration.
But like I said this isnt over.
Its just getting started.
Attack Pattern Alpha! Hey, Robo-Wimp.
Feel like getting hacked? Nope.
How bout you? Robin! Now! Cut it out! Its gonna crash my whole system! Get it off me! Get it off me! Beast Boy! Go! Your luck just ran out! Huh? Cram it.
Im calling Slade.
Who is Slade? Wouldnt you like to know, barf-brain? I assure you, such failures are not tolerated within the HIVE.
Once the agents have been retrieved from the authorities, they will be disciplined.
Strictly disciplined.
Actually, your agents served my plans quite well.
I never expected them to succeed.
They were merely messengers.
And the message has been received.
NOOOO!! This is the worst thing that could ever happen! My tunes! Theyve been alphabetized.
How am I ever gonna find anything? They went into my room.
No one should ever go into my room.
Someone has disposed of all our blue furry food! You gotta be kidding me! The whole place gets cleaned and I still cant find the- Ha! I guess we really oughta be training for battles, tracking down clues, and trying to figure out who Slade is, huh? We will.
But right now, Im just happy to be part of the team.
Gizmo - the boy genius whose intellect can conquer any problem with an inventive solution.
Jinx - the enchanting sorceress whose powerful hexes mean bad luck for her enemies.
And Mammoth - the genetically enhanced giant whose unstoppable strength speaks for itself.
Well-organized, highly trained, and combat-equipped these new HAEYP agents are the perfect fighting force.
And for the right price this ideal team can be yours.
Well, Mr.
Slade? Impressive.
Truly.
However, robots and obstacle courses only prove so much.
My plans demand operatives who can function in the real world.
If your students are going to serve me theyll have to pass one final exam.
Destroy the Teen Titans- -and then well talk.
Aw, man, come on! Its gotta be around here someplace! I dont believe this! How could you lose the remote? What makes you so sure I lost it? Uh cause youre you.
Hey! Just because I lost that video game- -and the toothpaste, and my football, and the waffle iron- Things disappear.
How am I supposed to know where they go? Well, how am I supposed to watch TV without a remote? Simple.
You just get up and change the channel.
Dont even joke like that.
I wasnt joking.
Good, cause it wasnt funny! Now either help us look for the remote- -or go back to your nasty old book and- This is a pointless argument over a useless device.
You are wasting your energy and disrupting my concentration.
Im telling you, I didnt lose it! You were the one watching TV last! And that is the secret to traveling faster than light.
So if you want to blame someone- -look in the mirror, buddy! Whoa! Take it easy, Titans! Combat practice is this afternoon! We must mend your dispute by the sharing of unhealthy junk foods.
I shall fetch them.
I dont need food! Maybe we should just go out for pizza.
Can we please just order something? As long as its vegetarian.
Come on, man, how can you deny me the all-meat experience? Dude, Ive been most of those animals! I suggest a large pizza with pickles, bananas, and mint frosting.
Uh, Starfire? Not everything on the menu is a pizza topping.
Double pepperoni! Im not eating meat! Theres no meat in pepperoni! Gizmo to Jinx.
Begin Phase One.
Titans! Go! Um dont buses normally have drivers? And dont baby carriages normally have babies? Are you pit-sniffers normally this stupid? That was too easy.
What a buncha cludge-heads.
You guys want to get pizza? This isnt over! Were just getting started! Who are these guys? And whats a cludge-head? We are the HIVE! Your worst nightmare! And this is Attack Pattern Alpha! What do you call an idiot with a rocket on his back? Huh? Doomed! Cyborg! You fight like a boy.
And youre gonna croak like a frog! Hah! Mammoths gonna make you extinct! Beast Boy! Hang on! Is it me, or are we getting our butts kicked? Its just you.
Listen up, team.
I have a plan.
Gee, scrum-buffer.
Sure hope your fancy plan includes getting fried! Youll just have to find out the hard way.
That didnt just happen.
Tell me that didnt just happen.
It did happen.
We cannot change the truth, no matter how much we dislike it.
Who knew we had a doctor in the house? Thanks.
No problem.
Maybe yall should call me Flyborg.
I was halfway to Gotham City before Star zapped that thing off my back.
So whatd I miss? Tell me how we kicked their butts.
Come on, I gotta have the play-by-play.
Where is Robin? Um, Star? Were not sure.
Not sure? Why are you not We searched everywhere.
And all we found was this.
I shoulda been there.
I let that kid sneak up on me andwhat was I? It was a trap, and II shoulda known.
I do not understand.
How could you not find him? People do not just vanish! He has to be someplace, so go there and look! Easy, Star.
Come on.
This is Robin were talking about.
Im sure hes fine.
Hell probably turn up any second.
Awesome timing.
Robin! Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
You guys got lucky last time, but youre in our house now! Yeah, nice place.
Well take it! Split up! Here, kitty, kitty.
Whats the matter? Afraid of a little bad luck? Hello, ladies.
Hey! So, Tin Man, you got a heart under all that outdated crud-ware? Not telling? Guess Ill have to take you apart and find out! Lost her.
This just isnt your lucky day.
Gotcha! Let me go, you scuzz-munching zit! How you gonna fight me without your tech? Huh? Yo, what are you- Get out of my systems! Nobody hacks my systems! Ooh, ejector arm.
Cool! My arm! Get off! Get off me! Stop! Have a nice afterlife, you snot-eating losers! That didnt just happen.
Tell me that didnt just happen.
Get out of my systems.
Get off me.
Robin.
Where is Robin? I do not understand.
We searched everywhere.
How could you not find him? All we found was this.
People do not just vanish.
I shoulda been there.
I shoulda known.
So, uh who else never wants to go surfing again? Not now, man.
Hey, I was just trying to- Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
I got it.
But you are so damaged and- I got it! Hey! She only wanted to help! What is your problem? What do you think? We got kicked out of our house, a pint-size Poindexter took me for a joyride, and in case you havent noticed, I just became left-handed! Enough! We need to control our emotions.
Or what? Our bad vibes will keep you from meditating? I wish Robin were here.
Well, hes not! Dont you guys get it? They won, we lost.
IT'S OVER!! Then the Teen Titans are finished? Not yet.
Not if I can help it.
Higher a little to the left a little more and perfect! Slades gonna have kittens when he hears we whipped the Titans and took their stinking Tower! Not to mention Robins favorite fashion statement.
But thats the only thing fashionable around here.
Tell me about it.
Hmph.
All their food is way out of date.
You think that stuffs rotten? Wait til you see their music.
Crud snot mega-crud snot Does she have anything thats not blue? Ugh.
Crud snot Hey! What the hairball? Sorry to interrupt the victory celebration.
But like I said this isnt over.
Its just getting started.
Attack Pattern Alpha! Hey, Robo-Wimp.
Feel like getting hacked? Nope.
How bout you? Robin! Now! Cut it out! Its gonna crash my whole system! Get it off me! Get it off me! Beast Boy! Go! Your luck just ran out! Huh? Cram it.
Im calling Slade.
Who is Slade? Wouldnt you like to know, barf-brain? I assure you, such failures are not tolerated within the HIVE.
Once the agents have been retrieved from the authorities, they will be disciplined.
Strictly disciplined.
Actually, your agents served my plans quite well.
I never expected them to succeed.
They were merely messengers.
And the message has been received.
NOOOO!! This is the worst thing that could ever happen! My tunes! Theyve been alphabetized.
How am I ever gonna find anything? They went into my room.
No one should ever go into my room.
Someone has disposed of all our blue furry food! You gotta be kidding me! The whole place gets cleaned and I still cant find the- Ha! I guess we really oughta be training for battles, tracking down clues, and trying to figure out who Slade is, huh? We will.
But right now, Im just happy to be part of the team.