Teenage Bounty Hunters (2020) s01e03 Episode Script
This Must Be How Dumb Kids Feel
[uplifting music]
Hi.
-Hi.
-Hey.
-Morning!
-Hey, Sweetie.
[woman] See you Sunday!
[screams]
Oh, my God!
-[police siren blares]
-[cell phones click]
You never get used to the smell, do you?
[voice wavering]
I was opening up my shop for the day,
and I saw him there with his head cut
clean off of his body.
[theme music]
[vocalizing]
[Blair]
Sterling, you've been fixing your hair
for the past eight minutes now.
If your hairline
gets any more symmetrical,
people are gonna think you got plugs.
Can you walk me into school today?
I would, but I'm really trying
to own my identity as a single American.
Jennings and I were so codependent.
Codependent like the two of us?
Is that bad?
Oh, God no, your breath is my life.
I'm surprised my love for you
didn't absorb you in the womb.
[sighs] Me neither.
I would absorb you right now if I could.
-Totally.
-[sighs]
But, for real,
I gotta get to lacrosse conditioning.
I have never felt this much dread
going to school before.
This must be how dumb kids feel
or, like substitutes.
You're making too much out of this.
You know how the 24-hour news cycle works.
I'm sure by now, your "sex thing"
is back page to Coach Boone
finally getting her eye un-crossed.
She looks so much better.
I don't know, I kind of liked how
her left eye was all, like,
"Fuck you, I'm going this way."
No, I can't do it.
-Okay, let's go.
-[sighs]
No more mirror time.
[people chattering]
[people whispering]
[school bell rings]
Just know I'm praying for you. [chuckles]
[gasps] Sterling! What a surprise
to see you at Fellowship.
I'm not sure that today
is a good day for you to join us.
Emotions are still pretty raw right now.
Welcome, come on in. Hi.
Help yourself to a chicken biscuit.
Made fresh.
What are you talking about?
Some students are having trouble
processing your erotic transgressions.
The betrayal,
the graphic depiction of events.
I never depicted--
Oh, I had Ezequiel show them
what you and Luke did, using dolls.
He was pretty spot on with your voices.
It was quite upsetting.
We're actually having
a grief counselor come in.
Well, when should I come back?
I'll have to get back to you.
I know it's hard, but try to remember:
Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters,
God is with you."
I know Isaiah!
Stay strong, Sterling.
You'll get through this.
[sighs]
Hey, those chili dogs
were really good earlier, right?
Were they? I don't even know anymore.
Come on, pull yourself together.
Things aren't that bad.
Oh, thank the Lord. Where have you been?
Do you know how humiliating it is
sitting here alone,
like a couple of lepers?
Why aren't you sitting
with your buddies from the golf team?
How can we trust anything you say anymore?
"Sterling and I
are waiting until marriage.
Our temptations will never
be as strong as our faith."
Apparently, that was
all just locker room talk!
-You fornicator!
-Watch your mouth!
I trusted you! We all did!
Cheese and crackers! Franklin,
you need to sit down, right now.
Fight me in the shower, bitch. Come on!
-Franklin-- Franklin!
-Get out of my way!
What's wrong with him?
They took away my captainship.
They took my Crusaders Captain Club cozy
and they threw it on the floor!
My grandfather--
My grandfather was captain
of the golf team here at Willingham,
and my dad, and my brother.
I was supposed to follow
in their footsteps
and play golf at UGA. Go, Dogs!
[both] Go, Dogs!
Now that dream is dead.
And without a team,
without men to lead to victory,
I have nothing.
What about me? I'm a social pariah.
I'll spend the rest of my high school days
without any friends.
Hey, guys, come on!
Buck up!
Luke, there are a ton of other sports
here at Willingham.
Pick another one and make new buds.
And Sterling, if those dorks at Fellowship
are gonna judge you,
then screw them!
Who cares what they think?
Blair, not caring about what people think
is your thing, okay?
I care a lot!
Okay, well, Fellowship is just one clique.
There are plenty of other groups
that you could slide into.
Okay, maybe you're right.
New friends, let's see.
Um
Well, there's the band kids.
But I play harp, and that's gonna be
really hard to carry in formation.
Um
Ooh, what about the bad kids?
They're kinda cool, in, like,
a sketchy, alt kind of way.
The bad kids?
Are you sure you can handle that?
I mean, I toyed with the idea
of hanging with them for a minute, but--
[whispering] They smoke.
Yeah, smoking is gross,
but what choice do I have?
Um
Do you have black eyeliner
and one of those little nose rings
that cartoon bulls have?
We'll do some light styling.
[girl] Yeah!
[groaning]
[voice wavering] It's too small.
[clears throat]
[taps foot]
[clears throat loudly]
Dude, you should get that throat thing
checked out.
It could be enlarged adenoids.
Yeah, it's actually super dangerous.
It's like a chandelier
hanging in the back of your throat.
If you choke on it, you could die.
Yeah. Well, I was clearing my throat
to get your attention off of whatever
idiotic Jonas Brothers bullshit
you were staring at on your phone.
Jonas Brothers?
Yeah. Because I'd like to review our skip.
It's a bit of a dated reference though,
Bowsie.
-Although, they got together recently.
-[Sterling] They put out a new album.
-I did not like it.
-All right.
Clea Kincaid, twenty-four years old,
recent graduate of SCAD.
About six months ago,
she was arrested for cutting the head
off a Confederate statue.
Her first victim
was General Buford Leslie Woodlawn
in Macon.
She was arrested.
She posted bail.
She skipped her court date
and has been on the lam ever since.
-Lamb?
-[in deep voice] Lamb of God!
[gasps]
I have taught her something!
[chuckles]
Yeah, it's so loud in your room.
[Bowser] Yeah, on the Lamb of God.
I got video from the night
she was arrested.
[man] Have a comment, Clea?
Yeah, I've got a comment.
[humming]
You get that?
Dang! This lady's a badass.
She's a very good dancer.
Okay, and she's continued
beheading statues
while she's on the loose.
For the last three weeks,
she's hit a different statue
every single night.
So, it's our job to figure out
which one she's gonna hit next,
and arrest her in the act.
Shouldn't be too hard.
I mean, how many Confederate statues
can there be in Atlanta?
One hundred and seventy four.
-Dang!
-Dang! They know the South lost, right?
It is so weird
what people get nostalgic for.
"Weird," "racist."
Whatever you want to call it.
Exactly. Bowser, how can you
want to arrest this woman?
Don't you support what she's doing?
You know for black people.
She's a skip.
I don't see black or white.
All right? My motto is,
"You take the assignment,
you bring in the fugitive."
Your motto is, "The road to Heaven
is paved with sprinkles."
That's my yogurt motto!
I'm talking about my bounty motto.
Sterl, you can't be on board
with this, right?
You know, I'm having
a really rough time lately
and bounty hunting is the one thing
that actually makes sense to me.
So can we please just do our job?
[groans] Fine.
But I'm not gonna cuff her.
And I'm bringing a snack
for her ride to jail.
Something Sour Patch.
Last night's statue was here.
General Tobias Xavier Mulch.
Hey, I know that statue.
It's right near Franklin High.
That's where Sterling
debated Tammy Rutledge so hard
she got her period. [blows raspberry]
Well, technically, I lost due to points,
but I count Tammy getting
a stress-induced menstruation as a win.
-So
-I got it.
What you got?
I see a pattern.
It's a penis.
Oh, God, I think we're gonna need
outside help for this.
You know, our dad gets mailers
from the Confederate Historical Society
here in town.
They sponsor
his Civil War Reenactment League.
See, that's why I keep you guys around.
Wait, she's right.
Look, the little traffic thingies
are testicles.
-[Blair] But there are three thingies.
-[Sterling] Yeah, some people have three.
Remember what was his name?
-Dwight, no--
-Declan Wright.
Declan Wright,
and he went horseback riding
and one of his balls split in half?
My gosh, he was
in my second semester study hall.
Why was a senior in your study hall?
Because I dropped Chorus second semester,
so it ended up putting me at a weird time
-in study hall time.
-I remember that.
And then I ended up
getting to sit with the seniors,
which was really cool, because that's how
I met that blue-eyed guy
[tires screech]
[rock music plays]
[music stops]
So, tell me what you like better.
Should I get one of those tattoos
that goes across your stomach
and says something like, "Freedom,"
or should I cut my hair
and do, like, a mohawk with bangs?
-I don't know. What do you think?
-What has gotten into you?
I've been reborn a single lady
and I want to show it.
Now that I've unbuckled myself
from "Jennings, the human speed bump,"
I feel free.
Free to meet somebody interesting.
And dangerous.
Someone who will, like,
get jealous and stalk me.
And maybe break in our house
in the middle of the night
and watch me sleep.
And I realize, as I'm saying this,
this is a bad idea.
I'm just saying I want to meet somebody
interesting and cool.
-Bazinga! [laughs]
-[Blair] Not a total dork.
Oh, Blair. Blair, hey.
-Me?
-Yeah.
-Oh, hey.
-Hey. Um
So, you know, I just wanted to follow up
on our text message exchange.
You know?
Our-- Our date.
I'm sorry, I've been so busy.
There was a Blood Moon.
Plus, you know, the economy.
[blows raspberry]
-So Oh.
-Well, no, that's okay.
Um Because I'm free whenever
you're ready to get together.
We're together right now.
So, in a way, legally,
we're already on that date.
-[both chuckle]
-I am such a third wheel.
I'm gonna let you two lovebirds be alone,
and then I'll--
Okay, but no, you know, like a date.
It's when you go out with food,
and music and stuff.
Um Sure. Yeah.
Food and music.
-Yeah?
-I'll-- I'll text you.
Okay.
See you.
I'll see ya.
God, he's awkward.
[Sterling] Come on, he's sweet.
[Blair] Sweet is not my type.
[classical music playing]
Girls, where have you been?
You know how particular
your grandparents are about punctuality.
Okay. Now you are
to be on your best behavior.
-Do you understand?
-Why?
Well, um [clears throat]
Your father is asking Big Daddy
for a promotion
and it's very important.
So Sterling,
do not play with your cuticles.
You know your grandmother hates that.
Blair [snaps fingers] no politics.
During this lunch,
climate change is not real.
-[Blair] Um--
-Shh.
Smile. Smile.
[breathes deeply]
Shoulders back.
Your bisque, sir.
Oh, dear.
Mmm.
Big Daddy, Mother, did y'all hear?
Sterling was chosen Fellowship Leader
this year.
-Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie!
-Congratulations, darling!
-What an honor!
-That's just terrific!
[chuckling]
Thank you. It's no big deal, really.
I don't even really like talking
about it that much--
No. She's so modest.
Oh, Debbie, I've been meaning to ask you.
How are your parents doing?
Uh Well, they're dead, Mother.
[nervous chuckle] Remember they died
in that private plane crash
when I was a teenager?
Oh, how silly of me.
I just can't get my head
around them doing that.
You see, we Wesleys, we live. [chuckles]
That's our thing.
[clears throat] Well, tell me, how do you
two like living out at the lake house?
Oh, we quite enjoy being out of the city,
what with all of its noise
and bustle and diversity.
I'm happiest in my hunting blind
with a box of hollow-points
and a flask of Buffalo Trace.
[chuckling]
You know, since you've been out of
the office so much, Big Daddy,
I've been stepping up,
bringing in some big clients--
Yeah, I got a new gun, too.
But I read an article in Bullet and Bow
about how you can sneak up on the deer
and kill them execution style.
Probably takes some getting used to,
like switching putters.
[light laughter]
To be honest I-- I've been bringing in
even more business than Deacon has.
Mm-hm. Yeah, I think he's even getting
jealous of his little brother.
[laughter]
With all the work that Anderson has been
doing for the company,
pretty soon you're gonna have
to change the name
from, "Wesley and Son"
to "Wesley and Sons."
Plural. Like making Anderson a partner.
I don't know how anybody
can talk about work these days
with that lunatic running
around decapitating statues.
[groans]
Desecrating our proud Southern legacy.
-Don't do it.
-I have to! For America!
Blair, no. You heard Mom. Stop it!
I can't. I can't help it.
It's like a sneeze. Here it comes!
I think what that woman is doing
is a brave political statement.
And I, for one, applaud her.
[mother clears throat]
[Big Daddy] If y'all will excuse me,
I believe I will enjoy my bisque
on the veranda.
Dang!
Look at this place.
Looks like a jerk-off booth
for the Dukes of Hazzard.
Well, hello there.
Oh, what a wonderful sight,
to see two young people still dress up
to come celebrate
their rich heritage as
Oh-- Okay, look, if y'all are protestors,
you need to stay at least
five hundred feet from the front door.
We're not protestors. I'm a bounty hunter.
I'm trying to track down the woman
who's decapitating those statues
-so I can arrest her.
-Oh.
Well, I'm surprised,
-but I'm delighted to hear that.
-All right.
I must say this whole
Ben Carson experiment
is working out after all.
Um, we'd like to speak to one
of the Sisters of the Confederacy, please.
Well, you got one right here.
Sister Jim, at your service.
Aren't sisters usually women?
Ah, that's an antiquated way of thinking.
It's 2020! Men can be women,
women can be governors,
but not in Georgia, yet, thank God.
[chuckles]
Anyhow, how can I help y'all?
I'm telling you,
I've looked at this thing a hundred ways
and I can't figure out any rhyme or reason
to which statues this woman is hitting.
It's not chronological,
it's not alphabetical--
Could it be phallic-al?
Okay, enough with the "phallic-al".
What's this emblem right here?
Oh. Oh, that's a commemorative emblem
for those who fought
in the Battle of Peachtree Creek.
Huge victory for us!
Yeah. Yeah, I've seen that emblem
before somewhere.
Where-- There! Right here.
This guy. He fought in the same battle?
Gosh, maybe all these soldiers
fought at Peachtree Creek.
He's right, they did.
[taps photo]
Oh, my God, did we just solve a mystery?
Oh, my God! We're like Nancy Drew!
-[chuckling]
-Hey! Hey! Hey, come on!
What's happ--?
Easy, Sister. Come on, Sister.
Wait-- Wait, there's one that isn't listed
in the Battle of Peachtree Creek.
-General Horace Grover Winfield.
-[Sister Jim] Well, that's right.
Winfield's regiment would
have been occupied
in the Siege of Petersburg in July of '64.
[Bowser] It's gotta be a mistake.
Maybe the list is wrong
or maybe Clea messed up
and she thought Winfield
fought at this battle, and he didn't.
It's too close not to be it.
It's gotta be Peachtree Creek.
We need to figure out
who else fought in that battle
-that has a statue somewhere near the--
-Rutherford Quincy Thigpen,
born 1830, died 1863 when he--
His statue was erected in 1919
in Bellwood Park.
Ew.
Erected.
Ew.
Ew.
-[both giggle]
-It's so gross.
-It says it right there.
-I know.
All right, so that's it,
-Bellwood Park.
-Bellwood Park!
-That's it.
-Okay.
'Sup?
Mind if I hang?
Shouldn't you be hanging out
with your God gang?
Oh, I got kicked out. [chuckles]
What for?
Intercourse, ever heard of it?
Uh, I'm in the market for a new crew.
What are you guys into?
Satanic temple.
[exhales deeply]
So, like devil worshipping and stuff?
Even better.
We promote egalitarianism, social justice
and the separation of church and state.
Uh
Through like, potions and hellfire
and, um
[in deep voice] Lamb of God.
[chuckles] My sister loves them.
No, through altruism.
Performance art, member gatherings
and community outreach.
This is an after-school program
we run every day
for the middle school kids.
We're actually looking
for some volunteers,
if you want to sign up.
Oh, wow, that's a lot.
You know, I might have
some potential conflicts,
but I will let you know.
Well, we have weekend events, too.
We're doing a car wash
for Lupus this Sunday.
There's an extra goat torso
if you're interested.
It comes with little horns.
[thud]
[sighs]
The life of a bad kid is so demanding.
-Separating churches from their states
-[music playing]
-washing cars and--
-Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
I am so upset.
I just wish this whole thing
had never happened.
That you never had sex with Luke?
No, no. Luke and I are in love,
and I'm right with my God.
I just [breathes deeply]
I wish that I'd never admitted it
in Fellowship,
because those judgmental jerks
view making love
with your long-term boyfriend
on the same level as, like, mass murder.
I'm basically the Hillside Strangler.
You're a good person.
You cried last week
when you stepped on that roly poly.
Well, he was just living his life.
Yeah.
I'll find my people.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
And what about you?
What about me?
Um, why are you bringing Miles
to Bargain Hole?
I want this to feel
as little like a date as possible
while still meeting
the technical parameters of a date.
There's food and there's music.
Also, I really want to price
one of those leather recliners.
I saw a picture of a cat curled up on one
and she looked so comfortable.
Cool. Okay.
Are you sure that you don't want to,
like, go home
and change and shower though?
-You smell like the inside of a leg cast.
-Ooh.
-Nah, I'm good.
-Okay.
Okay.
-Oh, God.
-You can do it.
[groans]
Love you!
[funky soulful music]
Hey.
Hot-- Hey.
Hey, to you. And to yours.
I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood.
I thought tonight
was supposed to be our date.
It-- It is. [stammers]
That's why I wanted to bring you
somewhere really special to me,
where I've had
some of my happiest memories.
And I wore an outfit
that says a lot about me as a woman.
-And a goalie.
-Yeah.
You look great. I love your outfit!
This? I just threw this on.
Came straight from the metal shop.
I'm in the middle of welding
this copper monocle
for a Steampunk rave I'm DJing
in Castleberry Hill.
So
Let's go get some food,
and then we can uh, check out the
uh-- Oh, the knife sharpening station,
because I-- I, like, love danger.
-Cool. Yeah.
-Cool, yeah.
Mm.
-Mm.
-[coughs]
[chuckles and clears throat]
-More tea?
-Thank you, sure.
Now, are you sure that
you and Big Daddy won't stay for dinner?
-You know, I'm roasting a chicken.
-Oh, is that what that smell is?
[chuckles] I thought maybe an owl
got stuck in the bug zapper.
Ah.
How was wood chopping?
[mother gasps]
Anderson still doesn't know
how to hold an ax like a man.
So, I told him to stop.
We'll try it again in a few months.
I-- I think we should be gettin' back
to the hotel.
Uh, are you sure
y'all won't stay here with us?
We have so much room.
Oh, honey, we don't want to be a bother.
And besides, you have so much housework
you obviously need to do.
Then we'll see you tomorrow at brunch.
-[blows kiss]
-Bye, now.
[Debbie] See y'all tomorrow!
Well, Anderson, what did he say?
He didn't say much.
Well, he said I hold an ax like a penguin.
[chuckles]
And then he called me
a penguin for a while.
And then he just shortened that to "Guin",
and then he stumbled into
"Gwyneth Paltrow."
[snickers]
He seemed to enjoy that.
No, no, no, what did he say
about making you partner?
Oh. Um
He never brought it up.
-He never brought it up?
-Mm-mm.
Wha-- You're supposed to bring it up.
You know full well
Big Daddy isn't gonna bring it up himself.
Now's not the right time.
They'll be back at Christmas,
and he's always high on the Lord's birth.
I'll ask him then.
Christmas? Honey, why will you not just
take the bull by the horns?
It's like I care about this
more than you do!
It is like you care about it more
than I do and--
Why is that?
I mean, it's not like we need the money.
Unless there's something I don't know.
I
I just wish that you
would stand up for yourself.
Huh?
What happened to the man that I married?
He wasn't afraid of anything.
I miss that man.
[music playing]
Oh, how's your Ensure?
It's plain.
Yeah, good, right?
My dad drinks wine like this--
[slurping]
Yeah.
[Blair clears throat]
Hi. Two taquitos, please.
Sorry, I just gave out my last one.
Uh Do you think you could
just heat up some more?
We've been waiting in line.
Okay, that's-- Yeah, that's no worries.
I'm taking the crumb napkin.
-You're gonna take the crumb napkin?
-Yeah, because it just--
Oh, my God, it looks so delicious.
Thank you, so much.
Have a blessed day.
Come on.
Let's dine on the patio, shall we?
So this is nice.
So, what kind of music do you listen to?
I've been listening to a lot of
Linqua Franqa, Lil Keed.
Yeah, the new Thouxanbanfauni? It's dope.
Thou-zan
-Thouxanbanfauni.
-[woman] Hi, there.
Interested in the Vera Cruz
seven-piece, I see?
Do you mind? We're on a date right now.
A date?
At Bargain Hole?
Wow.
Actually um, I gotta get going.
Going? Where?
It's early. We should catch a flick
in the TV section.
I think Zootopia just started.
I promised my sister
I'd come to this party she's having.
Oh, a party. Perfect! I'll come with you.
Oh. Uh
Actually, I just had this great idea.
I'll change first and meet you there.
-Okay. Yeah.
-Okay, um text me the addy.
[chewing]
and the football team
already had tryouts.
And I can't do cross country
because running
makes me carsick, you know?
And soccer's just for French people.
This is hopeless.
[breathes deeply]
Without a team to be a part of,
my life literally,
literally has no purpose.
[Sterling] Hey, we're Team SterLuke.
[cell phone rings]
Hey, I thought I wasn't
supposed to pick you up for another hour.
Get over here now and pick me up!
What's wrong?
Did Miles do something creepy?
No, worse! He's hot!
What? What's the problem, then?
I don't understand.
Just stop asking questions,
there's no time.
We're going to a college party with him.
So, just get over here, stat!
A college party?
Wait a minute, that's perfect!
That's who I should be hanging out with,
college kids!
Everybody here is either too intense
or too immature.
I need friends who are, like--
Just get the hell over here
and pick me up!
Miles is hot!
I repeat-- Miles is hot!
Okay.
I gotta go, babe. Blair needs me.
You gonna be okay?
Wait, what? You going to a college party?
Someone's hot at a college party?
I'll be fine.
[door opens]
[door closes]
We, uh have this space reserved.
Oh.
Uh
You all right, bud?
Uh, actually, no.
Not really.
If you got the blues.
You know what to do with 'em, don't ya?
[strums tone]
[hip hop music playing]
[funky soulful music]
[hip hop music playing]
Wow, college kids!
Philosophical, deep, no boundaries.
Why didn't I think of this sooner?
These are my people!
Shh.
Hey.
Dude, I'm trying to make Miles
think that I'm cool.
Can we just be chill?
Oh, hey, take my photo.
I want to put it in my story
so that everyone can see me partying
with my cool, new college friends.
Drinking is bad, Sterl.
Yeah, well, so is icing out your peer
for enjoying pleasures of the flesh.
-Take the photo.
-Okay.
[Blair giggles]
I mean, if you're gonna do it,
just go for it.
That looks really fake.
-Like, put it to your lips.
-Okay.
-Ooh.
-Oh.
Oh, no, a little got in my mouth.
What do I do?
-Water?
-Wait, this tastes pretty good.
Why does everybody say that alcohol
tastes like poison?
It does not taste like that.
Does poison taste like cherry?
All right, we only have two hours
before we have to go meet Bowser.
I'm gonna go find Miles.
Okay. I'll be chill.
It's time for the Blair Show, baby.
Sterling Wesley, how the heck are ya?
[chuckles] Hey.
Mm-hm.
All right. [exhales deeply]
Prepare to have your ass kicked, fruit.
[video game bleeping]
[rustling]
[liquid drizzling]
Freeze!
Oh. Damn it, you made me pee on my watch.
Sister Jim?
-What the hell are you doing here?
-Same as you, Bowser.
Making sure we catch our bandit.
Figured you need some help.
Come on, we're cooking up some sausages
on the engine of my Chevy.
Did you say "we"?
What do you mean, "we"?
Y'all, this is the bounty hunter
I was telling you about, Bowser.
Bowser, this is Sister Rick, Sister Todd
and that there is Sister Ned.
Sister Ned just got released
on parole this afternoon.
Spent a year in prison on a felony charge.
-Oh, yeah? Which one?
-[music playing]
Indecent exposure.
Whipped my johnson out
at a Kid Rock concert
over at the Speedway.
[all chuckle]
I was asking which prison,
but good to know.
Damn excited for tonight.
We gonna get her, ain't we?
[chuckling] No. No. No.
We're not gonna "get her."
Uh I'm gonna arrest her
and deliver her back to the court.
Yeah. That's right.
We gonna get her.
-We gonna get her good!
-Yeah.
[Sister Ned laughs]
You know, I almost dated
a black woman once,
but every time I asked her out,
she said no.
Really? I'm shocked.
Yeah. Hey, would you guys
excuse me for a moment?
I'm gonna take a walk
and look at the statue.
All right?
[sighs]
Get away from you backwoods, dick-waving,
engine-block-sausage-eating motherfuckers.
What have we got here?
[exhales deeply]
[men chatter]
[cell phone bleeps]
[cell phone bleeps]
[cell phone bleeps]
[cell phone bleeps]
All right, shoot already.
[man] Whoo!
[hip hop music playing]
[cheering]
[cheering and music continue]
So good!
You should try it. Look.
You know, I heard Michelle Alexander
talk about that.
She called the private prison industry
"this hungry beast with an
insatiable appetite."
[woman] Wow.
Look at Tonya's little brother
going to Michelle Alexander lectures.
Next time, you should
bring me as your date.
This college chick is trying
to lure Miles away from me
with her extra-ass college smart talk.
What should I do?
[drunken gibberish] Well, you know
ladies do but I said,
"Sixty bucks and get off my property."
-What?
-[belches]
Um Yeah. Speaking of
our broken criminal justice system,
I'm thinking about writing a thes is
about the, um, decapitated statue case?
I really respect Clea Kincaid.
She is so brave.
That's something we can all agree on.
Oh, can we?
Can we all agree?
Um
Yes?
So, we're all supposed to, uh, have
the same opinion because we're black?
What? No.
Because she's taking a stance
against symbols of hate.
Yeah, uh, first of all,
tearing down those statues hurts us.
Why?
Who do you think's tax dollars
are gonna be diverted to pay for 'em?
They're not gonna fix them.
Because you already know
some right-wing faction's
gonna fight to have them repaired.
Don't think it's not already happening.
Secondly, I believe those statues
have to stay up
as a reminder of the atrocities committed.
It's like the greatest drunk text
of all time.
You just can't take that shit down
from the cloud.
Those statues need to stay there, forever.
[Blair] Oh, my God, so you're saying
you actually side with the people
who want to catch Clea and put her in jail
for her political statement?
No, I don't side with them!
-Well--
-See, that's your problem.
-You think everything's black and white
-[scoffs]
right and wrong, column A, column B.
A guy who's worthy of your time
or a loser who parks cars.
What? That is not true.
Okay, maybe I didn't
pick the best spot for a date.
-Sorry!
-Don't be too hard on yourself.
Those little taquito crumbs
and the vanilla osteoporosis supplement,
wasn't all that bad.
See, just be real with me
for a second.
You didn't want to date me.
You could've just said that.
Okay, first of all, it is not my fault
that those taquitos ran out.
It's a numbers game.
You know that. And second of all--
Hey! I got it! I got it!
The next statue Clea's gonna hit is the--
-[vomits]
-[crowd groans]
[man, chuckling] Nice!
Listen to me--
Um, can you please direct
your words towards the sky,
because your puke breath
smells like pizza jello.
It's not Peachtree Creek that ties
the statues together, it's schools.
They're all near schools.
-Come on, we gotta tell Bowser.
-[muffled] Okay, call him.
All right.
What are you talking about schools?
The statue Clea hit last night
was right opposite Franklin High School,
and the one she hit the night before
was right opposite
um, Maxwell Junior High.
That's where Blair
had that cross country meet
and she found that toe.
Um, no, it wasn't a toe.
It had a hangnail.
-[groans]
-No, think about it, Bowser.
That's why Horace Grover Winfield
doesn't fit in with the others.
He wasn't in
the Battle of Peachtree Creek,
but his statue
was right opposite Clayton Elementary.
[Bowser] So, which one is she gonna hit?
Corporal Reginald Samantha Culbertson,
right opposite Split Rock Elementary.
It's the last statue within
a mile of a school left in Atlanta.
All right, good.
I'll meet you there, then.
Meet who where?
[gasp]
Hey. I'm just going
to meet a friend, that's all.
You wouldn't be heading off without us,
would ya?
I mean, you don't want to go
find this lady on your own?
She might get away.
You don't want that. Do ya?
No!
He's running!
Saddle up, Sisters!
Get the sausages off the engine!
Move it! Watch your fingers!
You ride shotgun! Let's roll!
[Sister Ned] Aw, hell!
[metallic grinding]
Ah.
[Bowser] Clea Kincaid! Freeze!
[grinding stops]
I'm a Bail Enforcement Agent.
Get down off of there
and put that grinder away.
How about I shove it up your ass?
Now, how'd you know I was into that?
Put your hands behind your back, smartass.
You put your hands
behind your back, motherfucker.
I'm taking this bronze bitch's head off
and ain't a damn thing
you can do about it.
Oh, my God. She's the coolest person
I've ever seen in real life.
Look, kind of a lot of planning
went into all this.
So I need to complete
what I started, okay?
Come on, Bowser. Let her go.
This is my job, it's not a hobby.
We're seeing this through.
I'm arresting Henrietta the Eighth here
and turning her in to the court.
But
I guess there's no extra harm
in letting you finish
cutting off this dude's head
before I take you in.
[sucks air through teeth] Yeah.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
Hey, Clea,
just one question--
Um, why schools?
Because I didn't like that every day,
kids were literally looking up to men
who loved owning people.
Fuck that!
And I don't know if you guys noticed,
but the statues
are in the pattern of a penis,
which is a subtle nod
to institutional patriarchy.
Told ya!
All right.
Hey. Hurry up and finish up your work
so we can take you in.
Will do.
So, you do believe in what she's doing?
I never said I didn't.
[retches]
What's happening?
I'm good. [chuckles] I'm good.
-You good?
-[retches]
-Don't--
-Hey.
Well, we just cannot thank you enough
for brunch, Debbie.
And what an unforgettable attempt at eggs.
[chuckles]
Well I suppose that's it, then.
We'll see y'all at Christmas.
I can't wait to see what sort of
bamboo diffuser I'll get this year.
[mother] Mm.
You know what, Big Daddy?
I got something to say.
For years you've been underestimating me,
making me feel small and insignificant.
Well, I've got news for you.
I have been
one of the biggest contributors
to the family business,
and I refuse to go on
getting ignored by you.
So, I quit.
Wait, what?
Well, I have to say,
I'm disappointed to hear that.
I'd hoped to fully retire this year,
and then you and Deacon
would carry on my legacy.
You can take your legacy and stick it
-[mother gasps]
-Kent.
Mother
From now on, if you don't have
anything nice to say to my wife,
then don't say anything at all,
if that's okay with you.
-Well, I-- But--
-Come on, Mother.
Let's go.
You just got your husband back,
sugar snap.
-[tires screech]
-[industrial metal music blaring]
You'll have to wait
on the next valet to get back.
My shift just ended.
Oh, no, I'm not here to go to the club.
Um I'm here to pick you up
for our real date.
Oh, come on.
Give me another chance.
In my defense,
I did not know you were hot.
You're always wearing
this dork disguise, so
You think I'm hot?
Let's go, hop in!
[Miles] She thinks I'm hot.
[industrial metal music playing]
Oh, yeah, I listen to industrial
alternative electronic metal.
All right.
[tires screech]
Well, I guess I'm just destined
to walk the world alone.
-Oh, stop it.
-You're not alone. You have me.
-I'll always be there for you.
-[cell phone ringing]
-Thank you.
-Oh, that's Miles. Hey, Miles.
[sighs]
[whispering] She's here.
Sterling, we saw your Instagram story.
You poor thing.
Drinking at a party
[whispering] with college kids!
You, like, totally hit rock bottom.
It wasn't that big a deal.
I mean, I puked, but--
[both gasp]
Well, I'm fine now, so--
[girl] Praise the Lord.
How did you bounce back so quickly?
Um
Through the power of Christ?
Well
only when things are darkest
can the Lord's light truly be seen.
You know that feeling you get
when you've sinned so hard
that there's just no repentance
great enough?
No.
Oh, right, only I know what it's like
to have been shepherded
back from the other side
by the Lord, Himself.
How would I describe that?
Um
When you feel the Lord's hand in yours,
warm and calloused
there's really nothing like it.
It's a beautiful, beautiful thing
warm calloused--
Oh. Girl, I'm just
gonna stay here with you.
[Sterling continues talking]
You ever read about
It's really similar to that.
So, should we go ahead
and cancel the grief counselor?
I think we could still get
our deposit back.
Yes, Hannah B
cancel the grief counselor.
they land facing the right way
and then you have to drink
all of the liquid inside it.
And that's what got me, friends.
That's what got me.
Je-- Mom! [chuckles]
Drinking
-at a college party.
-[Sterling sets plate down]
Uh, no, Mom. I was just making a joke--
on-- on social media.
Like, a commentary on our times.
You know, like memes and, um
Uh
Sterling, if you want to live
under this roof
then you live under our rules.
And one of our rules is, no drinking.
So, I guess you're not living
under our roof, are you?
["Wild Child" playing]
I'm fascinated ♪
By the things you get away with ♪
We live through your perfect face ♪
You make me wanna say
"Let's never be tied to anything" ♪
You think you've heard it all ♪
You think you've seen it all ♪
Wild child ♪
Let go of everything ♪
Wild child ♪
Melt down your wedding ring ♪
It's all wild child ♪
Falling and fading ♪
-But remember when ♪
-Wild child ♪
You taught me we aren't everything ♪
There's a part of you ♪
That's always trying to get away ♪
Doesn't even matter where or when ♪
You make me wanna say I'll never
turn my back on the world again ♪
Just when you think you've seen it all ♪
I don't think you've heard it all ♪
Wild child ♪
Let go of everything ♪
Wild child ♪
Melt down your wedding ring ♪
It's all wild child ♪
Falling and fading ♪
-But remember when ♪
-Wild child ♪
You taught me we aren't everything ♪
I'm going out in the yard,
practice my woodchopping.
What?
Now?
Hi.
-Hi.
-Hey.
-Morning!
-Hey, Sweetie.
[woman] See you Sunday!
[screams]
Oh, my God!
-[police siren blares]
-[cell phones click]
You never get used to the smell, do you?
[voice wavering]
I was opening up my shop for the day,
and I saw him there with his head cut
clean off of his body.
[theme music]
[vocalizing]
[Blair]
Sterling, you've been fixing your hair
for the past eight minutes now.
If your hairline
gets any more symmetrical,
people are gonna think you got plugs.
Can you walk me into school today?
I would, but I'm really trying
to own my identity as a single American.
Jennings and I were so codependent.
Codependent like the two of us?
Is that bad?
Oh, God no, your breath is my life.
I'm surprised my love for you
didn't absorb you in the womb.
[sighs] Me neither.
I would absorb you right now if I could.
-Totally.
-[sighs]
But, for real,
I gotta get to lacrosse conditioning.
I have never felt this much dread
going to school before.
This must be how dumb kids feel
or, like substitutes.
You're making too much out of this.
You know how the 24-hour news cycle works.
I'm sure by now, your "sex thing"
is back page to Coach Boone
finally getting her eye un-crossed.
She looks so much better.
I don't know, I kind of liked how
her left eye was all, like,
"Fuck you, I'm going this way."
No, I can't do it.
-Okay, let's go.
-[sighs]
No more mirror time.
[people chattering]
[people whispering]
[school bell rings]
Just know I'm praying for you. [chuckles]
[gasps] Sterling! What a surprise
to see you at Fellowship.
I'm not sure that today
is a good day for you to join us.
Emotions are still pretty raw right now.
Welcome, come on in. Hi.
Help yourself to a chicken biscuit.
Made fresh.
What are you talking about?
Some students are having trouble
processing your erotic transgressions.
The betrayal,
the graphic depiction of events.
I never depicted--
Oh, I had Ezequiel show them
what you and Luke did, using dolls.
He was pretty spot on with your voices.
It was quite upsetting.
We're actually having
a grief counselor come in.
Well, when should I come back?
I'll have to get back to you.
I know it's hard, but try to remember:
Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters,
God is with you."
I know Isaiah!
Stay strong, Sterling.
You'll get through this.
[sighs]
Hey, those chili dogs
were really good earlier, right?
Were they? I don't even know anymore.
Come on, pull yourself together.
Things aren't that bad.
Oh, thank the Lord. Where have you been?
Do you know how humiliating it is
sitting here alone,
like a couple of lepers?
Why aren't you sitting
with your buddies from the golf team?
How can we trust anything you say anymore?
"Sterling and I
are waiting until marriage.
Our temptations will never
be as strong as our faith."
Apparently, that was
all just locker room talk!
-You fornicator!
-Watch your mouth!
I trusted you! We all did!
Cheese and crackers! Franklin,
you need to sit down, right now.
Fight me in the shower, bitch. Come on!
-Franklin-- Franklin!
-Get out of my way!
What's wrong with him?
They took away my captainship.
They took my Crusaders Captain Club cozy
and they threw it on the floor!
My grandfather--
My grandfather was captain
of the golf team here at Willingham,
and my dad, and my brother.
I was supposed to follow
in their footsteps
and play golf at UGA. Go, Dogs!
[both] Go, Dogs!
Now that dream is dead.
And without a team,
without men to lead to victory,
I have nothing.
What about me? I'm a social pariah.
I'll spend the rest of my high school days
without any friends.
Hey, guys, come on!
Buck up!
Luke, there are a ton of other sports
here at Willingham.
Pick another one and make new buds.
And Sterling, if those dorks at Fellowship
are gonna judge you,
then screw them!
Who cares what they think?
Blair, not caring about what people think
is your thing, okay?
I care a lot!
Okay, well, Fellowship is just one clique.
There are plenty of other groups
that you could slide into.
Okay, maybe you're right.
New friends, let's see.
Um
Well, there's the band kids.
But I play harp, and that's gonna be
really hard to carry in formation.
Um
Ooh, what about the bad kids?
They're kinda cool, in, like,
a sketchy, alt kind of way.
The bad kids?
Are you sure you can handle that?
I mean, I toyed with the idea
of hanging with them for a minute, but--
[whispering] They smoke.
Yeah, smoking is gross,
but what choice do I have?
Um
Do you have black eyeliner
and one of those little nose rings
that cartoon bulls have?
We'll do some light styling.
[girl] Yeah!
[groaning]
[voice wavering] It's too small.
[clears throat]
[taps foot]
[clears throat loudly]
Dude, you should get that throat thing
checked out.
It could be enlarged adenoids.
Yeah, it's actually super dangerous.
It's like a chandelier
hanging in the back of your throat.
If you choke on it, you could die.
Yeah. Well, I was clearing my throat
to get your attention off of whatever
idiotic Jonas Brothers bullshit
you were staring at on your phone.
Jonas Brothers?
Yeah. Because I'd like to review our skip.
It's a bit of a dated reference though,
Bowsie.
-Although, they got together recently.
-[Sterling] They put out a new album.
-I did not like it.
-All right.
Clea Kincaid, twenty-four years old,
recent graduate of SCAD.
About six months ago,
she was arrested for cutting the head
off a Confederate statue.
Her first victim
was General Buford Leslie Woodlawn
in Macon.
She was arrested.
She posted bail.
She skipped her court date
and has been on the lam ever since.
-Lamb?
-[in deep voice] Lamb of God!
[gasps]
I have taught her something!
[chuckles]
Yeah, it's so loud in your room.
[Bowser] Yeah, on the Lamb of God.
I got video from the night
she was arrested.
[man] Have a comment, Clea?
Yeah, I've got a comment.
[humming]
You get that?
Dang! This lady's a badass.
She's a very good dancer.
Okay, and she's continued
beheading statues
while she's on the loose.
For the last three weeks,
she's hit a different statue
every single night.
So, it's our job to figure out
which one she's gonna hit next,
and arrest her in the act.
Shouldn't be too hard.
I mean, how many Confederate statues
can there be in Atlanta?
One hundred and seventy four.
-Dang!
-Dang! They know the South lost, right?
It is so weird
what people get nostalgic for.
"Weird," "racist."
Whatever you want to call it.
Exactly. Bowser, how can you
want to arrest this woman?
Don't you support what she's doing?
You know for black people.
She's a skip.
I don't see black or white.
All right? My motto is,
"You take the assignment,
you bring in the fugitive."
Your motto is, "The road to Heaven
is paved with sprinkles."
That's my yogurt motto!
I'm talking about my bounty motto.
Sterl, you can't be on board
with this, right?
You know, I'm having
a really rough time lately
and bounty hunting is the one thing
that actually makes sense to me.
So can we please just do our job?
[groans] Fine.
But I'm not gonna cuff her.
And I'm bringing a snack
for her ride to jail.
Something Sour Patch.
Last night's statue was here.
General Tobias Xavier Mulch.
Hey, I know that statue.
It's right near Franklin High.
That's where Sterling
debated Tammy Rutledge so hard
she got her period. [blows raspberry]
Well, technically, I lost due to points,
but I count Tammy getting
a stress-induced menstruation as a win.
-So
-I got it.
What you got?
I see a pattern.
It's a penis.
Oh, God, I think we're gonna need
outside help for this.
You know, our dad gets mailers
from the Confederate Historical Society
here in town.
They sponsor
his Civil War Reenactment League.
See, that's why I keep you guys around.
Wait, she's right.
Look, the little traffic thingies
are testicles.
-[Blair] But there are three thingies.
-[Sterling] Yeah, some people have three.
Remember what was his name?
-Dwight, no--
-Declan Wright.
Declan Wright,
and he went horseback riding
and one of his balls split in half?
My gosh, he was
in my second semester study hall.
Why was a senior in your study hall?
Because I dropped Chorus second semester,
so it ended up putting me at a weird time
-in study hall time.
-I remember that.
And then I ended up
getting to sit with the seniors,
which was really cool, because that's how
I met that blue-eyed guy
[tires screech]
[rock music plays]
[music stops]
So, tell me what you like better.
Should I get one of those tattoos
that goes across your stomach
and says something like, "Freedom,"
or should I cut my hair
and do, like, a mohawk with bangs?
-I don't know. What do you think?
-What has gotten into you?
I've been reborn a single lady
and I want to show it.
Now that I've unbuckled myself
from "Jennings, the human speed bump,"
I feel free.
Free to meet somebody interesting.
And dangerous.
Someone who will, like,
get jealous and stalk me.
And maybe break in our house
in the middle of the night
and watch me sleep.
And I realize, as I'm saying this,
this is a bad idea.
I'm just saying I want to meet somebody
interesting and cool.
-Bazinga! [laughs]
-[Blair] Not a total dork.
Oh, Blair. Blair, hey.
-Me?
-Yeah.
-Oh, hey.
-Hey. Um
So, you know, I just wanted to follow up
on our text message exchange.
You know?
Our-- Our date.
I'm sorry, I've been so busy.
There was a Blood Moon.
Plus, you know, the economy.
[blows raspberry]
-So Oh.
-Well, no, that's okay.
Um Because I'm free whenever
you're ready to get together.
We're together right now.
So, in a way, legally,
we're already on that date.
-[both chuckle]
-I am such a third wheel.
I'm gonna let you two lovebirds be alone,
and then I'll--
Okay, but no, you know, like a date.
It's when you go out with food,
and music and stuff.
Um Sure. Yeah.
Food and music.
-Yeah?
-I'll-- I'll text you.
Okay.
See you.
I'll see ya.
God, he's awkward.
[Sterling] Come on, he's sweet.
[Blair] Sweet is not my type.
[classical music playing]
Girls, where have you been?
You know how particular
your grandparents are about punctuality.
Okay. Now you are
to be on your best behavior.
-Do you understand?
-Why?
Well, um [clears throat]
Your father is asking Big Daddy
for a promotion
and it's very important.
So Sterling,
do not play with your cuticles.
You know your grandmother hates that.
Blair [snaps fingers] no politics.
During this lunch,
climate change is not real.
-[Blair] Um--
-Shh.
Smile. Smile.
[breathes deeply]
Shoulders back.
Your bisque, sir.
Oh, dear.
Mmm.
Big Daddy, Mother, did y'all hear?
Sterling was chosen Fellowship Leader
this year.
-Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie!
-Congratulations, darling!
-What an honor!
-That's just terrific!
[chuckling]
Thank you. It's no big deal, really.
I don't even really like talking
about it that much--
No. She's so modest.
Oh, Debbie, I've been meaning to ask you.
How are your parents doing?
Uh Well, they're dead, Mother.
[nervous chuckle] Remember they died
in that private plane crash
when I was a teenager?
Oh, how silly of me.
I just can't get my head
around them doing that.
You see, we Wesleys, we live. [chuckles]
That's our thing.
[clears throat] Well, tell me, how do you
two like living out at the lake house?
Oh, we quite enjoy being out of the city,
what with all of its noise
and bustle and diversity.
I'm happiest in my hunting blind
with a box of hollow-points
and a flask of Buffalo Trace.
[chuckling]
You know, since you've been out of
the office so much, Big Daddy,
I've been stepping up,
bringing in some big clients--
Yeah, I got a new gun, too.
But I read an article in Bullet and Bow
about how you can sneak up on the deer
and kill them execution style.
Probably takes some getting used to,
like switching putters.
[light laughter]
To be honest I-- I've been bringing in
even more business than Deacon has.
Mm-hm. Yeah, I think he's even getting
jealous of his little brother.
[laughter]
With all the work that Anderson has been
doing for the company,
pretty soon you're gonna have
to change the name
from, "Wesley and Son"
to "Wesley and Sons."
Plural. Like making Anderson a partner.
I don't know how anybody
can talk about work these days
with that lunatic running
around decapitating statues.
[groans]
Desecrating our proud Southern legacy.
-Don't do it.
-I have to! For America!
Blair, no. You heard Mom. Stop it!
I can't. I can't help it.
It's like a sneeze. Here it comes!
I think what that woman is doing
is a brave political statement.
And I, for one, applaud her.
[mother clears throat]
[Big Daddy] If y'all will excuse me,
I believe I will enjoy my bisque
on the veranda.
Dang!
Look at this place.
Looks like a jerk-off booth
for the Dukes of Hazzard.
Well, hello there.
Oh, what a wonderful sight,
to see two young people still dress up
to come celebrate
their rich heritage as
Oh-- Okay, look, if y'all are protestors,
you need to stay at least
five hundred feet from the front door.
We're not protestors. I'm a bounty hunter.
I'm trying to track down the woman
who's decapitating those statues
-so I can arrest her.
-Oh.
Well, I'm surprised,
-but I'm delighted to hear that.
-All right.
I must say this whole
Ben Carson experiment
is working out after all.
Um, we'd like to speak to one
of the Sisters of the Confederacy, please.
Well, you got one right here.
Sister Jim, at your service.
Aren't sisters usually women?
Ah, that's an antiquated way of thinking.
It's 2020! Men can be women,
women can be governors,
but not in Georgia, yet, thank God.
[chuckles]
Anyhow, how can I help y'all?
I'm telling you,
I've looked at this thing a hundred ways
and I can't figure out any rhyme or reason
to which statues this woman is hitting.
It's not chronological,
it's not alphabetical--
Could it be phallic-al?
Okay, enough with the "phallic-al".
What's this emblem right here?
Oh. Oh, that's a commemorative emblem
for those who fought
in the Battle of Peachtree Creek.
Huge victory for us!
Yeah. Yeah, I've seen that emblem
before somewhere.
Where-- There! Right here.
This guy. He fought in the same battle?
Gosh, maybe all these soldiers
fought at Peachtree Creek.
He's right, they did.
[taps photo]
Oh, my God, did we just solve a mystery?
Oh, my God! We're like Nancy Drew!
-[chuckling]
-Hey! Hey! Hey, come on!
What's happ--?
Easy, Sister. Come on, Sister.
Wait-- Wait, there's one that isn't listed
in the Battle of Peachtree Creek.
-General Horace Grover Winfield.
-[Sister Jim] Well, that's right.
Winfield's regiment would
have been occupied
in the Siege of Petersburg in July of '64.
[Bowser] It's gotta be a mistake.
Maybe the list is wrong
or maybe Clea messed up
and she thought Winfield
fought at this battle, and he didn't.
It's too close not to be it.
It's gotta be Peachtree Creek.
We need to figure out
who else fought in that battle
-that has a statue somewhere near the--
-Rutherford Quincy Thigpen,
born 1830, died 1863 when he--
His statue was erected in 1919
in Bellwood Park.
Ew.
Erected.
Ew.
Ew.
-[both giggle]
-It's so gross.
-It says it right there.
-I know.
All right, so that's it,
-Bellwood Park.
-Bellwood Park!
-That's it.
-Okay.
'Sup?
Mind if I hang?
Shouldn't you be hanging out
with your God gang?
Oh, I got kicked out. [chuckles]
What for?
Intercourse, ever heard of it?
Uh, I'm in the market for a new crew.
What are you guys into?
Satanic temple.
[exhales deeply]
So, like devil worshipping and stuff?
Even better.
We promote egalitarianism, social justice
and the separation of church and state.
Uh
Through like, potions and hellfire
and, um
[in deep voice] Lamb of God.
[chuckles] My sister loves them.
No, through altruism.
Performance art, member gatherings
and community outreach.
This is an after-school program
we run every day
for the middle school kids.
We're actually looking
for some volunteers,
if you want to sign up.
Oh, wow, that's a lot.
You know, I might have
some potential conflicts,
but I will let you know.
Well, we have weekend events, too.
We're doing a car wash
for Lupus this Sunday.
There's an extra goat torso
if you're interested.
It comes with little horns.
[thud]
[sighs]
The life of a bad kid is so demanding.
-Separating churches from their states
-[music playing]
-washing cars and--
-Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
I am so upset.
I just wish this whole thing
had never happened.
That you never had sex with Luke?
No, no. Luke and I are in love,
and I'm right with my God.
I just [breathes deeply]
I wish that I'd never admitted it
in Fellowship,
because those judgmental jerks
view making love
with your long-term boyfriend
on the same level as, like, mass murder.
I'm basically the Hillside Strangler.
You're a good person.
You cried last week
when you stepped on that roly poly.
Well, he was just living his life.
Yeah.
I'll find my people.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
And what about you?
What about me?
Um, why are you bringing Miles
to Bargain Hole?
I want this to feel
as little like a date as possible
while still meeting
the technical parameters of a date.
There's food and there's music.
Also, I really want to price
one of those leather recliners.
I saw a picture of a cat curled up on one
and she looked so comfortable.
Cool. Okay.
Are you sure that you don't want to,
like, go home
and change and shower though?
-You smell like the inside of a leg cast.
-Ooh.
-Nah, I'm good.
-Okay.
Okay.
-Oh, God.
-You can do it.
[groans]
Love you!
[funky soulful music]
Hey.
Hot-- Hey.
Hey, to you. And to yours.
I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood.
I thought tonight
was supposed to be our date.
It-- It is. [stammers]
That's why I wanted to bring you
somewhere really special to me,
where I've had
some of my happiest memories.
And I wore an outfit
that says a lot about me as a woman.
-And a goalie.
-Yeah.
You look great. I love your outfit!
This? I just threw this on.
Came straight from the metal shop.
I'm in the middle of welding
this copper monocle
for a Steampunk rave I'm DJing
in Castleberry Hill.
So
Let's go get some food,
and then we can uh, check out the
uh-- Oh, the knife sharpening station,
because I-- I, like, love danger.
-Cool. Yeah.
-Cool, yeah.
Mm.
-Mm.
-[coughs]
[chuckles and clears throat]
-More tea?
-Thank you, sure.
Now, are you sure that
you and Big Daddy won't stay for dinner?
-You know, I'm roasting a chicken.
-Oh, is that what that smell is?
[chuckles] I thought maybe an owl
got stuck in the bug zapper.
Ah.
How was wood chopping?
[mother gasps]
Anderson still doesn't know
how to hold an ax like a man.
So, I told him to stop.
We'll try it again in a few months.
I-- I think we should be gettin' back
to the hotel.
Uh, are you sure
y'all won't stay here with us?
We have so much room.
Oh, honey, we don't want to be a bother.
And besides, you have so much housework
you obviously need to do.
Then we'll see you tomorrow at brunch.
-[blows kiss]
-Bye, now.
[Debbie] See y'all tomorrow!
Well, Anderson, what did he say?
He didn't say much.
Well, he said I hold an ax like a penguin.
[chuckles]
And then he called me
a penguin for a while.
And then he just shortened that to "Guin",
and then he stumbled into
"Gwyneth Paltrow."
[snickers]
He seemed to enjoy that.
No, no, no, what did he say
about making you partner?
Oh. Um
He never brought it up.
-He never brought it up?
-Mm-mm.
Wha-- You're supposed to bring it up.
You know full well
Big Daddy isn't gonna bring it up himself.
Now's not the right time.
They'll be back at Christmas,
and he's always high on the Lord's birth.
I'll ask him then.
Christmas? Honey, why will you not just
take the bull by the horns?
It's like I care about this
more than you do!
It is like you care about it more
than I do and--
Why is that?
I mean, it's not like we need the money.
Unless there's something I don't know.
I
I just wish that you
would stand up for yourself.
Huh?
What happened to the man that I married?
He wasn't afraid of anything.
I miss that man.
[music playing]
Oh, how's your Ensure?
It's plain.
Yeah, good, right?
My dad drinks wine like this--
[slurping]
Yeah.
[Blair clears throat]
Hi. Two taquitos, please.
Sorry, I just gave out my last one.
Uh Do you think you could
just heat up some more?
We've been waiting in line.
Okay, that's-- Yeah, that's no worries.
I'm taking the crumb napkin.
-You're gonna take the crumb napkin?
-Yeah, because it just--
Oh, my God, it looks so delicious.
Thank you, so much.
Have a blessed day.
Come on.
Let's dine on the patio, shall we?
So this is nice.
So, what kind of music do you listen to?
I've been listening to a lot of
Linqua Franqa, Lil Keed.
Yeah, the new Thouxanbanfauni? It's dope.
Thou-zan
-Thouxanbanfauni.
-[woman] Hi, there.
Interested in the Vera Cruz
seven-piece, I see?
Do you mind? We're on a date right now.
A date?
At Bargain Hole?
Wow.
Actually um, I gotta get going.
Going? Where?
It's early. We should catch a flick
in the TV section.
I think Zootopia just started.
I promised my sister
I'd come to this party she's having.
Oh, a party. Perfect! I'll come with you.
Oh. Uh
Actually, I just had this great idea.
I'll change first and meet you there.
-Okay. Yeah.
-Okay, um text me the addy.
[chewing]
and the football team
already had tryouts.
And I can't do cross country
because running
makes me carsick, you know?
And soccer's just for French people.
This is hopeless.
[breathes deeply]
Without a team to be a part of,
my life literally,
literally has no purpose.
[Sterling] Hey, we're Team SterLuke.
[cell phone rings]
Hey, I thought I wasn't
supposed to pick you up for another hour.
Get over here now and pick me up!
What's wrong?
Did Miles do something creepy?
No, worse! He's hot!
What? What's the problem, then?
I don't understand.
Just stop asking questions,
there's no time.
We're going to a college party with him.
So, just get over here, stat!
A college party?
Wait a minute, that's perfect!
That's who I should be hanging out with,
college kids!
Everybody here is either too intense
or too immature.
I need friends who are, like--
Just get the hell over here
and pick me up!
Miles is hot!
I repeat-- Miles is hot!
Okay.
I gotta go, babe. Blair needs me.
You gonna be okay?
Wait, what? You going to a college party?
Someone's hot at a college party?
I'll be fine.
[door opens]
[door closes]
We, uh have this space reserved.
Oh.
Uh
You all right, bud?
Uh, actually, no.
Not really.
If you got the blues.
You know what to do with 'em, don't ya?
[strums tone]
[hip hop music playing]
[funky soulful music]
[hip hop music playing]
Wow, college kids!
Philosophical, deep, no boundaries.
Why didn't I think of this sooner?
These are my people!
Shh.
Hey.
Dude, I'm trying to make Miles
think that I'm cool.
Can we just be chill?
Oh, hey, take my photo.
I want to put it in my story
so that everyone can see me partying
with my cool, new college friends.
Drinking is bad, Sterl.
Yeah, well, so is icing out your peer
for enjoying pleasures of the flesh.
-Take the photo.
-Okay.
[Blair giggles]
I mean, if you're gonna do it,
just go for it.
That looks really fake.
-Like, put it to your lips.
-Okay.
-Ooh.
-Oh.
Oh, no, a little got in my mouth.
What do I do?
-Water?
-Wait, this tastes pretty good.
Why does everybody say that alcohol
tastes like poison?
It does not taste like that.
Does poison taste like cherry?
All right, we only have two hours
before we have to go meet Bowser.
I'm gonna go find Miles.
Okay. I'll be chill.
It's time for the Blair Show, baby.
Sterling Wesley, how the heck are ya?
[chuckles] Hey.
Mm-hm.
All right. [exhales deeply]
Prepare to have your ass kicked, fruit.
[video game bleeping]
[rustling]
[liquid drizzling]
Freeze!
Oh. Damn it, you made me pee on my watch.
Sister Jim?
-What the hell are you doing here?
-Same as you, Bowser.
Making sure we catch our bandit.
Figured you need some help.
Come on, we're cooking up some sausages
on the engine of my Chevy.
Did you say "we"?
What do you mean, "we"?
Y'all, this is the bounty hunter
I was telling you about, Bowser.
Bowser, this is Sister Rick, Sister Todd
and that there is Sister Ned.
Sister Ned just got released
on parole this afternoon.
Spent a year in prison on a felony charge.
-Oh, yeah? Which one?
-[music playing]
Indecent exposure.
Whipped my johnson out
at a Kid Rock concert
over at the Speedway.
[all chuckle]
I was asking which prison,
but good to know.
Damn excited for tonight.
We gonna get her, ain't we?
[chuckling] No. No. No.
We're not gonna "get her."
Uh I'm gonna arrest her
and deliver her back to the court.
Yeah. That's right.
We gonna get her.
-We gonna get her good!
-Yeah.
[Sister Ned laughs]
You know, I almost dated
a black woman once,
but every time I asked her out,
she said no.
Really? I'm shocked.
Yeah. Hey, would you guys
excuse me for a moment?
I'm gonna take a walk
and look at the statue.
All right?
[sighs]
Get away from you backwoods, dick-waving,
engine-block-sausage-eating motherfuckers.
What have we got here?
[exhales deeply]
[men chatter]
[cell phone bleeps]
[cell phone bleeps]
[cell phone bleeps]
[cell phone bleeps]
All right, shoot already.
[man] Whoo!
[hip hop music playing]
[cheering]
[cheering and music continue]
So good!
You should try it. Look.
You know, I heard Michelle Alexander
talk about that.
She called the private prison industry
"this hungry beast with an
insatiable appetite."
[woman] Wow.
Look at Tonya's little brother
going to Michelle Alexander lectures.
Next time, you should
bring me as your date.
This college chick is trying
to lure Miles away from me
with her extra-ass college smart talk.
What should I do?
[drunken gibberish] Well, you know
ladies do but I said,
"Sixty bucks and get off my property."
-What?
-[belches]
Um Yeah. Speaking of
our broken criminal justice system,
I'm thinking about writing a thes is
about the, um, decapitated statue case?
I really respect Clea Kincaid.
She is so brave.
That's something we can all agree on.
Oh, can we?
Can we all agree?
Um
Yes?
So, we're all supposed to, uh, have
the same opinion because we're black?
What? No.
Because she's taking a stance
against symbols of hate.
Yeah, uh, first of all,
tearing down those statues hurts us.
Why?
Who do you think's tax dollars
are gonna be diverted to pay for 'em?
They're not gonna fix them.
Because you already know
some right-wing faction's
gonna fight to have them repaired.
Don't think it's not already happening.
Secondly, I believe those statues
have to stay up
as a reminder of the atrocities committed.
It's like the greatest drunk text
of all time.
You just can't take that shit down
from the cloud.
Those statues need to stay there, forever.
[Blair] Oh, my God, so you're saying
you actually side with the people
who want to catch Clea and put her in jail
for her political statement?
No, I don't side with them!
-Well--
-See, that's your problem.
-You think everything's black and white
-[scoffs]
right and wrong, column A, column B.
A guy who's worthy of your time
or a loser who parks cars.
What? That is not true.
Okay, maybe I didn't
pick the best spot for a date.
-Sorry!
-Don't be too hard on yourself.
Those little taquito crumbs
and the vanilla osteoporosis supplement,
wasn't all that bad.
See, just be real with me
for a second.
You didn't want to date me.
You could've just said that.
Okay, first of all, it is not my fault
that those taquitos ran out.
It's a numbers game.
You know that. And second of all--
Hey! I got it! I got it!
The next statue Clea's gonna hit is the--
-[vomits]
-[crowd groans]
[man, chuckling] Nice!
Listen to me--
Um, can you please direct
your words towards the sky,
because your puke breath
smells like pizza jello.
It's not Peachtree Creek that ties
the statues together, it's schools.
They're all near schools.
-Come on, we gotta tell Bowser.
-[muffled] Okay, call him.
All right.
What are you talking about schools?
The statue Clea hit last night
was right opposite Franklin High School,
and the one she hit the night before
was right opposite
um, Maxwell Junior High.
That's where Blair
had that cross country meet
and she found that toe.
Um, no, it wasn't a toe.
It had a hangnail.
-[groans]
-No, think about it, Bowser.
That's why Horace Grover Winfield
doesn't fit in with the others.
He wasn't in
the Battle of Peachtree Creek,
but his statue
was right opposite Clayton Elementary.
[Bowser] So, which one is she gonna hit?
Corporal Reginald Samantha Culbertson,
right opposite Split Rock Elementary.
It's the last statue within
a mile of a school left in Atlanta.
All right, good.
I'll meet you there, then.
Meet who where?
[gasp]
Hey. I'm just going
to meet a friend, that's all.
You wouldn't be heading off without us,
would ya?
I mean, you don't want to go
find this lady on your own?
She might get away.
You don't want that. Do ya?
No!
He's running!
Saddle up, Sisters!
Get the sausages off the engine!
Move it! Watch your fingers!
You ride shotgun! Let's roll!
[Sister Ned] Aw, hell!
[metallic grinding]
Ah.
[Bowser] Clea Kincaid! Freeze!
[grinding stops]
I'm a Bail Enforcement Agent.
Get down off of there
and put that grinder away.
How about I shove it up your ass?
Now, how'd you know I was into that?
Put your hands behind your back, smartass.
You put your hands
behind your back, motherfucker.
I'm taking this bronze bitch's head off
and ain't a damn thing
you can do about it.
Oh, my God. She's the coolest person
I've ever seen in real life.
Look, kind of a lot of planning
went into all this.
So I need to complete
what I started, okay?
Come on, Bowser. Let her go.
This is my job, it's not a hobby.
We're seeing this through.
I'm arresting Henrietta the Eighth here
and turning her in to the court.
But
I guess there's no extra harm
in letting you finish
cutting off this dude's head
before I take you in.
[sucks air through teeth] Yeah.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
Hey, Clea,
just one question--
Um, why schools?
Because I didn't like that every day,
kids were literally looking up to men
who loved owning people.
Fuck that!
And I don't know if you guys noticed,
but the statues
are in the pattern of a penis,
which is a subtle nod
to institutional patriarchy.
Told ya!
All right.
Hey. Hurry up and finish up your work
so we can take you in.
Will do.
So, you do believe in what she's doing?
I never said I didn't.
[retches]
What's happening?
I'm good. [chuckles] I'm good.
-You good?
-[retches]
-Don't--
-Hey.
Well, we just cannot thank you enough
for brunch, Debbie.
And what an unforgettable attempt at eggs.
[chuckles]
Well I suppose that's it, then.
We'll see y'all at Christmas.
I can't wait to see what sort of
bamboo diffuser I'll get this year.
[mother] Mm.
You know what, Big Daddy?
I got something to say.
For years you've been underestimating me,
making me feel small and insignificant.
Well, I've got news for you.
I have been
one of the biggest contributors
to the family business,
and I refuse to go on
getting ignored by you.
So, I quit.
Wait, what?
Well, I have to say,
I'm disappointed to hear that.
I'd hoped to fully retire this year,
and then you and Deacon
would carry on my legacy.
You can take your legacy and stick it
-[mother gasps]
-Kent.
Mother
From now on, if you don't have
anything nice to say to my wife,
then don't say anything at all,
if that's okay with you.
-Well, I-- But--
-Come on, Mother.
Let's go.
You just got your husband back,
sugar snap.
-[tires screech]
-[industrial metal music blaring]
You'll have to wait
on the next valet to get back.
My shift just ended.
Oh, no, I'm not here to go to the club.
Um I'm here to pick you up
for our real date.
Oh, come on.
Give me another chance.
In my defense,
I did not know you were hot.
You're always wearing
this dork disguise, so
You think I'm hot?
Let's go, hop in!
[Miles] She thinks I'm hot.
[industrial metal music playing]
Oh, yeah, I listen to industrial
alternative electronic metal.
All right.
[tires screech]
Well, I guess I'm just destined
to walk the world alone.
-Oh, stop it.
-You're not alone. You have me.
-I'll always be there for you.
-[cell phone ringing]
-Thank you.
-Oh, that's Miles. Hey, Miles.
[sighs]
[whispering] She's here.
Sterling, we saw your Instagram story.
You poor thing.
Drinking at a party
[whispering] with college kids!
You, like, totally hit rock bottom.
It wasn't that big a deal.
I mean, I puked, but--
[both gasp]
Well, I'm fine now, so--
[girl] Praise the Lord.
How did you bounce back so quickly?
Um
Through the power of Christ?
Well
only when things are darkest
can the Lord's light truly be seen.
You know that feeling you get
when you've sinned so hard
that there's just no repentance
great enough?
No.
Oh, right, only I know what it's like
to have been shepherded
back from the other side
by the Lord, Himself.
How would I describe that?
Um
When you feel the Lord's hand in yours,
warm and calloused
there's really nothing like it.
It's a beautiful, beautiful thing
warm calloused--
Oh. Girl, I'm just
gonna stay here with you.
[Sterling continues talking]
You ever read about
It's really similar to that.
So, should we go ahead
and cancel the grief counselor?
I think we could still get
our deposit back.
Yes, Hannah B
cancel the grief counselor.
they land facing the right way
and then you have to drink
all of the liquid inside it.
And that's what got me, friends.
That's what got me.
Je-- Mom! [chuckles]
Drinking
-at a college party.
-[Sterling sets plate down]
Uh, no, Mom. I was just making a joke--
on-- on social media.
Like, a commentary on our times.
You know, like memes and, um
Uh
Sterling, if you want to live
under this roof
then you live under our rules.
And one of our rules is, no drinking.
So, I guess you're not living
under our roof, are you?
["Wild Child" playing]
I'm fascinated ♪
By the things you get away with ♪
We live through your perfect face ♪
You make me wanna say
"Let's never be tied to anything" ♪
You think you've heard it all ♪
You think you've seen it all ♪
Wild child ♪
Let go of everything ♪
Wild child ♪
Melt down your wedding ring ♪
It's all wild child ♪
Falling and fading ♪
-But remember when ♪
-Wild child ♪
You taught me we aren't everything ♪
There's a part of you ♪
That's always trying to get away ♪
Doesn't even matter where or when ♪
You make me wanna say I'll never
turn my back on the world again ♪
Just when you think you've seen it all ♪
I don't think you've heard it all ♪
Wild child ♪
Let go of everything ♪
Wild child ♪
Melt down your wedding ring ♪
It's all wild child ♪
Falling and fading ♪
-But remember when ♪
-Wild child ♪
You taught me we aren't everything ♪
I'm going out in the yard,
practice my woodchopping.
What?
Now?