Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
- Mom, I don't know
about this hairstyle.
- Tom, it looks so good.
I cannot ease up at this point.
- I just question the blazer!
I question
the blazer/side part combo.
- This is class picture day.
This is a big deal.
I need how you look
in these pictures
to be a reflection of me.
[car horn honking]
- You're holding up
the drop-off line.
- I'm combing my child's hair.
This is a tender moment,
a-hole.
- You're making your son
look like an idiot.
- Um, he looks adorable.
Like a young
Timothée Chalamet, so
- Show of hands!
Who thinks this kid
looks like a young
Timothée Chalamet?
- Uh
- I can kind of see it.
- Thank you.
We've got a consensus here.
[horn honking]
Ma, we really
gotta wrap this up.
- Okay, What are you gonna do
when you get in there?
- Sit up straight
and say "cheese."
- I love you, buddy.
This is our life
on the line here, I love you.
- I think you're
expecting a lot from
this hair and blazer combo.
[horn honking]
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanation ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
- Okay.
Right out of the gate,
let's lose the hairdo
and the blazer.
- Oh, no. My mom just spent
like a half hour on that.
- Oh, did your mom ask me if--
if that was time well spent?
- I don't know, I'm not--
I'm not privy to that.
Hey, what are you doing?
- I saw your yearbook
last year.
It was meh.
It was meh.
- The yearbook was meh?
- Look, we're doing things
a little different this year.
Okay, just--
give me a silly face.
Stick your tongue out.
- My mom explicitly said,
sit up straight
and say "cheese."
- I don't do "cheese" here.
- You don't do "cheese"?
That's the main word.
- Jacob!
[club music plays]
- What's happening right now?
- We're trying
to capture the feeling
of what it is to be a child.
So give me a raspberry.
- Raspberry?
- Yeah.
Give me some raspberries.
- Pfft. That kind of thing?
- Y--oh! That was great.
Do that again.
- Pffft. Pbbbbt.
Oh, God, yeah.
Love it, okay.
- Let's get--
let's get a "cheese" one.
- I don't do "cheese."
- You're out of control
at this point.
- Turn your back to me,
and throw a look
over the shoulder,
like--
like peekaboo.
- I'm begging you right now.
We spent all weekend.
We bought a comb!
- You nailed it.
I think we're good.
- Good!
- Jacob!
I'm taking five minutes!
This kid is a handful!
[footsteps receding]
[door slams]
- How's my favorite grandma?
- Livin' and lovin' the world.
- Can I get you a drink?
- Ah, you're a doll, Tommy.
I'll take a tea with honey.
- A little complex.
Can I get you any--
anything simpler?
- Oh, okay,
just the cortado then.
- Cortado?
You know what, forget I asked.
Forget the beverage.
You don't seem thirsty.
- What the hell?
- Guess what I got?
I got the proofs
for Tom's class pictures!
- Oh, no.
- Oh!
Let's take a look.
- Are people still
looking at pictures these days?
I thought that's kind of
come and gone.
- I know you don't know
what it's like
to be a single mom.
Since your dad left,
I feel like I'm judged,
I feel like I gotta
keep up appearances.
I need this picture to scream
success, prosperity,
and family values.
- This is not good.
- What happened?
- Did they retouch these?
What's going on right now?
- Are you trying to ki--
are you trying to kill me?
- It must be
the photographer's fault,
he must of--
- Tom, there's no way
he looked at you and said,
"try to look like
a creep saying peekaboo."
- He literally
said that word for word.
- Tom, you need new pictures
before you come back
in this house.
- I think the kid
is lashing out.
- Grandma, please.
- He ruined his pictures,
and he refuses
to make his grandmother
a simple cortado.
- That is an incredibly complex
drink--you realize that, right?
- It's an espresso
with a drizzle of warm milk,
and it's not that hard, Tom.
- Grandma, would it kill you
to run over to Starbucks?
I mean, seriously.
All right,
I shouldn't have said that.
Now I'm lashing out.
[club music plays
in distance]
- Senator, yes!
Get up on the raft!
Oh, my God, yes!
- Sir, these are for
my re-election posters.
- You're gonna love these,
okay?
It says dignity
but not without
a sense of whimsy, okay?
Bounce up and down.
- 'Scuse me?
Hey.
I got a question
about the yearbook pictures.
- Are--are you for real?
- Uh, my mom, uh, and grandma
weren't thrilled with the--
the shots.
They didn't really--
they didn't really care for
the peekaboo and
the raspberries and all that.
So could we just
get a quick redo?
Just grab a quick "cheese" shot
like we talked about?
- That's so interesting.
Hey, everybody!
Everybody, gather around!
- Don't make a big thing of it.
- This little boy's
grandmother wasn't thrilled
with my work and would like
a quick redo.
And I guess my 15 years
as a professional photographer
are just garbage bullshit!
- My mom literally wants
a shot where I'm smiling
and looking at the camera.
- Your mom sounds
like a crazy bitch, okay?
- What?
- I shoot for huge magazines.
"New Jersey Living."
You ever heard of that?
- No.
- "Hedge Fancy."
You ever heard of it?
- No.
- "Cat Fancy"?
- Okay.
- The only reason I'm doing
grade school yearbooks
is because I'm nailing
your school nurse.
There.
I said it.
- That's certainly
a lot to take in, uh
no redo is the recap, right?
No redo?
- Show yourself out.
[school bell rings]
- Tom!
- What now?
- Get in my office.
Shut my door.
Sit down.
Shut your mouth.
- Oh, okay.
- We have a problem.
Do you see what's on my wall?
- Looks like
a large, framed photo
of a grown man's rear end.
- Exactly.
It's from the photographer.
It says,
"Kiss my butt, I quit."
- It seems like a odd choice
to hang it up.
- He's a famous photographer.
What am I gonna do?
Not hang it up?
Right, now you realize
how stupid that sounds.
- Yeah,
what was I thinking?
- He quit 'cause of
you and your personality.
And he won't hand over
the media drive.
So guess what.
There's not gonna
be a yearbook.
- Oh, my God.
That's the best news ever.
- What are you talkin' about?
Tom, I want you to
tell the yearbook club--
just, go ahead and
tell them it's been cancelled.
- Me--you want me to tell 'em?
You're the principal.
- Oh, God.
Can I be honest with you?
Like, not an adult to a kid,
but just, like, as a friend?
- That's a little weird,
but okay.
- The yearbook club,
they scare me.
Like they're the adults.
And don't ever tell them that!
[teacher claps]
- Okay, kids.
We need a theme
for the yearbook.
Let's brainstorm.
- Uh, leprechauns!
- Awful, keep thinking.
- Paris in the '20s?
- Insipid. What else?
- Uh, fracking!
- That's actually good.
I like that.
[knock on door]
Thomas?
- Oh, hey.
Uh, listen, just a quick FYI.
I know you guys
are working on the yearbook,
but there's not
gonna be a yearbook.
- What now?
- I asked for a redo,
due to some
hair and blazer issues.
- So you had
hair and blazer issues?
- The photographer
got angry at me, and he quit.
Not a big thing.
Don't dwell on it.
- Tom, you've just
erased an entire year
from everyone's lives!
- That's a little dramatic.
- Without a yearbook,
it's like it never happened.
Bake sale?
Never happened.
Band recital?
Whoo-hoo!
Au revoir!
Soccer league?
- Never happened!
- Thank you, Dakota.
All because Tom didn't like
how his insipid hair
framed his stupid face.
- How are you
still teaching here?
- Yo, Tom, what's up?
Man, I heard
you screwed up the yearbook,
big time!
- You know, I did.
But, hey, my mom
hated the pictures anyway,
so this is
a rare victory for me.
- Finally.
Good to see you
come out on top for once.
- This is like a whole new era.
Era of prosperity
and good times and fun living.
- Holy cow!
Look, it's Tom's face
on the side of that building!
[tires screech]
[Tom reading]
- The era of prosperity
didn't last that long.
- That was ten seconds
on a bus.
- That's the longest run
we ever had, Tom.
We gotta see
what this is about.
Hey, driver!
Can we hop out here?
- Yeah, of course.
Just look both ways
when crossing the freeway.
- All right,
we gotta find this guy.
- Let's go.
- We're looking for
Fedir's Ukrainian Insurance.
Wait, what?
"Dumb donkey-face"?
[electronic trap music]
♪
What is this guy's
advertising budget?
Okay, we got it.
Fedir's.
This is it.
What do you think?
Is this safe?
- Sure,
sounds like there's
a bunch of grown women
in there.
- That's a good point.
If you got grown women
and insurance,
you're pretty safe.
- Yeah, if it was
a bunch of dudes in there,
I would be terrified,
but something
about it is nurturing.
[folk music plays]
- Gentle, gentle.
No, stronger, str--
ye--no, gentle.
Ohh.
- Uh, excuse me.
Are you Fadir?
- Fadir died, was poisoned.
I'm son.
I didn't do it.
- You didn't do it?
- Wait, Wait.
Do I know you?
- Do you know me?
I'm the guy
from the ad campaign.
- Oh, my God!
You're donkey ass-faced kid!
- No one calls me that,
but I mean--
- My Verizon guy,
my Taco Bell chihuahua!
- Don't get too excited, Fadir.
You need to pull those ads
right now.
You have no rights
to those pictures.
- Ohh.
But I do.
I buy photos legit
from angry photographer.
- Photographer?
I can't believe he did that!
Can you be a nice guy,
just pull them
and, uh, give them back?
- Listen, uh, donkey-face,
I love kids.
But, I am businessman.
I have to feed my children.
And now I see opportunity,
so maybe 500.
- $500?
- Deal.
- Deal?
- Mr. B will pay anything
to save the yearbook, right?
- Oh, that's
actually a really good idea.
- Mind if we step outside
to get the money?
- I need collateral.
What if you walk out and leave?
- Three-ring binder?
You want a three-ring binder?
- Eh, no.
Leave, uh
Okay,
you leave other friend here.
- 'Scuse me--
- Great.
You hang on to Nelson,
I'll go get the money.
[dog barking]
[siren wailing]
So are you on
the insurance side
or the--
the beautiful lady side?
- Oh, you know,
a little of this,
a little of, like,
wee-woo, woo-woo,
hi-hi.
[coughing]
- You know what, we don't
have to make small talk.
[tires screeching]
- Tom!
- Mr. B.
- This is such great news.
I hopped out of the bath
when I heard your message.
Here's 500 in wet singles.
- Uh, one small request?
- Anything.
- Please, use a normal picture
of me in the yearbook,
something my mom will like.
- Of course, Tom.
- Thank you.
- Freeze, you bald, wet,
robe-wearing son of a bitch!
[gunshots]
[gunshots continue]
- Um, Fadir?
Uh, I think we need to go
check outside.
- Oh, no.
If anyone is murdered,
they always know.
- Hey, cue ball, eyes on me!
- What's happening?
- Oh, we've been staking out
this place for weeks.
- Just tons of weird,
pervy behavior going on.
Horses entering,
but not leaving.
- Horses?
- Hot women
giving insurance quotes.
- Hot women?
- Large amounts of baklava
being tossed in the dumpster.
That's as pervy as it gets!
But whatever's
going on with you two,
way weirder.
- What are you intimating?
- You're nude, you're bald,
you're in a robe,
and you got
a hard drive labeled
"pics of little kids"?
Man,
if you're not getting arrested,
I don't know who is.
- All right,
get this scumbag out of here.
- Should have put a shirt on,
if nothing else.
- That might have helped.
Hey,
aren't you the dumb,
donkey-faced kid
from those ads?
- Nah, that's another kid.
- Can we get a selfie?
- Oh, my God.
- Please, here, real qui--
real quick.
No, not like that.
Make the donkey face.
- Make the face?
- Yes.
- How's that?
- Look dumb.
- How's that?
- Dial up the donkey.
- Oh, wow.
Tom!
- You like it?
- You look so handsome
in your yearbook photo.
You look like Bill Gates,
buddy.
- Thank you.
- Aren't you kind of glad
I told you to sit up straight
and say "cheese"?
- It all worked out.
Great picture in the yearbook,
and I learned
how to make a cortado.
- Actually, it sucks.
Pffft.
- This is not
a fun grandma visit.
- Give me a quick peekaboo
over the shoulder.
Give me a little peekaboo
over the shoulder.
- You're talking to me?
- Cook some oatmeal,
put some blueberries on it,
and put it
in front of your children.
- In what sense?
- Now fly-fish for me.
Fly-fish!
- What?
- You're a real handful,
you know that?
[camera lens snapping]
♪
[indistinct chatter]
[whistle blows]
- Okay, gang!
It's National
Physical Fitness month!
And last year we were ranked
in the bottom 5th percentile,
which is considered
"lethargic and grossly unfit"!
Now how does this
make y'all feel?
- Meh, I don't care.
- Yeah,
that sounds about right.
- It's fine.
- Come on, everybody!
Let's prove 'em wrong!
Now Tom,
lead us off with some chin-ups.
- You know what, I'd love to,
I'm just not a big chin-up guy.
- Tom, nobody
is a "big chin-up guy."
Get up on this bar.
- I really don't want to do it.
I--I just end up dangling there
and a lot of grunting--
It's really embarrassing.
It's embarrassing
for everyone watching.
- Getonthatbar!
- All right, you know what,
let's just--let me bang out
a quick ten and--
[clears throat]
Here's ten, you ready?
[grunting]
- You got it.
- [grunting]
- Come on.
- Dig deep!
- It's not happening.
- Use those scrawny arms, Tom!
- It's not working.
I told you.
- Pull yourself up!
- You're making it worse.
- Pull yourself up!
- The arms aren't powerful en--
- Tom, pull yourself--
You know what?
I'm gonna just help you.
I'ma give you a little boost.
- Oh, no.
What are you doing?
- Oh, snap!
Look, he got his
hands on his butt!
- That is so not allowed!
- Ugh!
- Everybody just calm down.
This is called spotting.
You need to mind your business.
Hey!
Put the phone down.
This is not what it looks like.
- Uh! Agh!
- Oh, my--
Damn it.
- Oh, wow, look at that.
I got a boo-boo on my knee.
I'm, uh--
can I go to the nurse?
- Did he just say "boo-boo"?
- Is boo-boo the wrong phrase?
- This whole generation
is soft!
- Hey, uh, nurse Denise?
- Yeah?
- I need a quick Band-Aid.
I had a little boo-boo--
little gym slip-up.
- Guess what, Tom.
I don't have any Band-Aids.
Do you wanna know why?
- I don't know, poor planning?
- Because this school
doesn't give me the budget.
- Oh!
- They value athletics
more than healthcare.
- Can I just get the--
some kind of Band-Aid or gauze?
Do you have any gauze?
- We've got
a broken system, Tom.
And you are gonna help fix it.
You're a warrior now.
- Oh, no.
I don't want to be a warrior.
- All you have to do
is walk back to the gym
and say,
"I can't move my neck."
- I can't say that.
I got full mobility of my neck.
- Okay, well, pretend.
All right?
You ever heard of acting?
This is your chance
to make a difference.
Do it for the children, Tom.
- I am the children.
Children don't typically
do things "for the children."
- Okay.
Do you remember your line?
- Can't move the neck.
- My neck, it's not "the" neck.
- My neck.
- It's yours.
- My neck.
- And stop waving
your head around.
You can't move your neck
while saying
"I can't move my neck."
- All right.
I can't move my neck!
- Yes, but with conviction.
- All right, here we go.
Try this on for size.
I can't move my neck!
- [startled cry]
Get that boy on the ground!
- I'm--I'm okay.
- Tom, don't move.
Are you okay?
- I'm good.
It's not a big thing.
- [yelling] How many fingers
am I holding up?
- You're holding
a cup of coffee.
- Yes, Tom, but I'm holding up
the cup of coffee with fingers.
- Mr. B, I'm handling this!
- You're clearly not, Denise!
- Mr. B, lower your voice.
- Here, Tom,
Let me help you up.
- No, don't lift me up.
Mr. B, please.
- Hey, drop that boy right now.
- Whoa, ow!
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, nobody touch him.
There's liability issues here,
okay?
- You know what?
You can go back--
Go back to your office.
False alarm.
- Okay, listen to what
he said
and ignore it.
- Oh, man.
- Call 911
and tell 'em we've got a child
with a broken neck and
a minor abrasion on his knee.
- And you know, I would have
been able to treat this,
had I been given
the proper equipment.
- All right, bring it down.
Enough with that.
- Okay, son.
Don't move.
I need you to tell me
exactly what happened.
- It was nothing,
let's go back to the gym.
- Son,
when they call the MedEvac,
it's not a nothing situation.
You are typically either dead
or very close to being dead.
- Oh, my God.
- Now give me a detailed
explanation of what's
going on with your neck.
- Yeah, Tom, this is
your chance to speak up.
For the children.
- Uh, all right.
Let's see.
As I remember,
I was banging out
quite a lot of chin-ups.
- What?
- I plummeted to the earth.
And I couldn't move my neck.
And that was basically it.
- So when did you
walk to the nurse?
- Oh, that's right.
So I broke my neck,
and then I strolled over
and chatted with the nurse.
- You were chatting to
the nurse with a broken neck?
How did that happen, Tom?
- I'm very confused,
I'm not gonna lie.
- Uh, he's, uh, foggy.
But you see what
gym class has done to him.
- What happened?
Someone plummeted.
- Ah, yeah,
this guy's talkin' gibberish.
Fire up the chopper, Charlie.
We're takin' this
son of a bitch to the city.
I mean,
his brain is totally messed up.
It's just turds bouncin' around
in his skull at this point.
Let's go!
[dramatic music]
- Tom?
Tom, can you hear me, bud?
- Yeah, I'm right here.
- All right, good.
You're at the top spinal center
in Manhattan, Tom.
So even if I have
to completely rebuild
your whole neck from scratch,
you're gonna be okay.
- Rebuild?
Oh, no, don't rebuild anything.
- I don't need you to weigh in,
Tom--you're a child, I'm a man.
- But if you want
a second opinion--
- I don't need one--if I did,
I would get another doctor.
- I'm just saying,
don't rebuild anything,
don't slice anything--
- Well, if we have to,
we're gonna slice and dice and
put you right back together.
- Oh, my God.
- Such a brave
little boy you've got, ma'am.
- Oh, thank you.
He's a--he's a trooper.
Unlike his dad,
who's nailin' some slut
in Myrtle Beach right now.
- Okay, all right.
Not my business.
- You gotta see his Instagram.
You're gonna puke.
- Uhh, I don't
have time for that.
- They got a dog?
Like, who's gonna
take care of it?
They're constantly nailing
each other in their condo.
- I've gotta go.
- Look at this.
They went to eat
at a Bubba Gump last night.
Look at her.
- Oh, boy, getting a page.
I've gotta run.
- Hang on, I gotta scroll.
- Tom!
Thank God you're alive.
- Hey, Nelson!
Thanks for comin'.
- Look man, we can't lose you.
- That's really nice.
That's really sweet.
- Yeah, I can't make new
friends on the bus, man.
I'm too old for that.
- Kind of a selfish take
on it, but okay.
- What's up, Tommy?
- Hey, Nelson's dad.
- I brought you
a little something here
to cheer you up, man.
- Wait, what's this?
You got me a bunch of papers?
- That's paperwork
for your lawsuit.
I wanna represent you.
- Oh, no,
I'm not lookin' to sue anyone.
- Tom, in law,
this is what we call
a "must sue" situation.
- Hmm.
- Must sue?
- Must sue
- This feels really, uh--
what's the word
I'm lookin' for?
- Privileged?
- No.
- Blessed?
- I was gonna say--
I was gonna say "weaselly."
- Tom!
It's an MSS.
It's a Must Sue Situation.
- I'm not sure
that's a real phrase.
- No, it's a real phrase.
- Right.
- I mean, I know
we're not litigious people.
But if this is
a "must sue" situation,
I feel like
we don't have any choice.
- There you go.
- It's your call, Tom,
but I feel like
we gotta go for this.
- It's my call?
- It's your call.
- All right.
I think we're gonna pass.
- Sounds like we're in.
Where do we sign?
[school bell rings]
- Hi, kids.
This is, uh, your principal.
As you all know,
one of our students almost
died while exercising
last week,
so please
be extra careful out there.
I love you kids
like you're my own,
and you know that, okay?
This announcement's
brought to you by Hooters.
You're not old enough
to enjoy boobs,
but when you are,
you'll come into Hooters.
[knock on door]
- Hey, you wanted to see me?
- Tommy, these headlines,
they're making us
look horrible.
- Yeah, it's getting
a lot of press, isn't it?
- "Rogue Gym Teacher Sued
for Chin-Up Disaster"?
- Yeah.
- "Butt Grabbing
Almost Kills Student"?
- He did grab it.
- "Dumbbell Gym Teacher
up to His Neck
in Chin-Up Debacle"?
- I was told it's
a "must sue" situation,
so you gotta just
go ahead with the suing.
- Listen,
we can't have this go to trial.
So tell your mom
that the school's gonna
be preparing
a settlement offer, and, uh,
here's the number
we were thinking.
- This says "pick up booze
and rubbers for the party."
- Oh, shit, that's the wrong--
- What's a rubber?
What's going on here?
- I had it written down on
a little piece of paper,
I don't know what
I did with it, I'm sorry.
- Wanna just tell me?
- It's $1 million,
but I just--
- $1 million dollars?
That's fantastic.
- Yeah, it's a good number,
but I was looking forward
to sliding it over.
That seems to be the fun part.
- $1 million dollars?
[laughing]
- That's what he said.
He said a million.
- Oh, Tom, baby.
We are new people now.
I'm definitely getting
one of those suits you put on
so you can jump off
of high things and fly.
- Oh, like a bungee cord?
- No, I'm talking about
a thing that looks like
a flying squirrel, a wingsuit.
- You know what I'm gonna buy?
- What?
- I'm gonna buy a backpack.
- No need.
I already pulled you
out of school.
- I'm out?
- Yeah.
Rich kids don't go to school.
- I think they go to school,
but hey,
you're the mom here, right?
- Hola,
señoritas and señoritos.
Welcome to Papitos.
- Oh, my God.
Coach, is that you?
- Ohno!
[laughs]
This is really embarrassin'.
I'm not gonna lie.
They fired me.
Said my negligence
could cost the school
a fortune.
- You're gonna be good though.
You landed on your feet.
- You call this on my feet?
- You got a great job
as a busboy.
- This job pays minimum wage,
and I had to sell my car
to make rent.
I walked 3 miles
to work today.
- Good exercise.
National physical fitness
month, right?
- Oh, you're just gonna
throw that in my face, huh?
[gulps]
It's not right.
I do these things in the gym
because I care.
- Aw, that's sweet.
- I didn't win any trophies
as a kid.
No one encouraged me.
So when I push
your kids to succeed,
I do it out of love.
The love I never had.
[cries]
- That's the
most beautiful thing
I've ever heard in my life.
[upbeat mariachi music]
[singing in Spanish]
- Oh, hey.
Hey, guys, not now.
Not a good time, guys.
Not a good time.
- Yeah, guys, swing on back.
This is very inappropriate.
- Really killin' the moment.
- You don't see the emotions
on my face right here?
- You guys should stop
at this point.
At this point it's belligerent.
Sit down, Coach.
- Coach, sit down.
- Oh, you wanna play?
[diners gasping]
- Coach, please.
- You guys wanna play?
- Oh, my God!
No!
Coach, please!
- Eat that guacamole!
- Don't--not the guacamole!
- Don, stop it.
Pack your locker, okay?
I need to let you go.
- Me?
What'd I do?
- You're drunk!
And you're force-feeding
guacamole to
the singer of the band.
Plus you've got
a terrible Mexican accent.
- I--I might have lied on the--
on the résumé.
I'm not really from Mexico.
- You told them
you were from Mexico?
- He wrote Oaxaca
on the résumé.
- [sighs]
Can I at least
keep the sombrero?
- No, you don't get
to keep the sombrero.
[crickets chirping]
- No, no more chin-ups.
No, guacamole!
Must sue!
Must sue, must sue.
Can't move my neck!
Ah--no!
Can't move my neck!
- Buddy, wake up!
Wh--oh.
Oh, hey, Ma.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I think so.
Just having a beautiful dream.
- Aw, that sounds nice.
- You know, I've been thinkin',
maybe we should
pull the plug on this lawsuit.
I--I didn't know the coach
was gonna get fired.
- Bud, a lot of good's
gonna come from this.
Kids will be safer in gym
because of you.
- Let's just give--
let's just give the coach half.
- Tom.
[laughs]
You're a sweet guy.
But half's a little crazy.
- I mean,
at least give him 2/3 or--
- You know that's
more than half right?
- I don't know, 7/8ths?
- Wh--babe, that's even more!
- Who even knows what these
numbers even mean anymore.
I just don't want
the coach to suffer.
He had to sell his car.
I mean, that's crazy.
- You know what?
You just gave me an idea.
Tomorrow,
we're gonna make things right
with one simple, selfless act.
That sound good?
- Sounds amazing.
- I'm proud of you, buddy.
You hurt your neck,
you ate Mexican food,
you did good.
- Settin' the bar kind of low,
but thank you.
- How many times
I gotta tell you,
they don't let me
keep the sombrero.
- Well, what the hell
were you doing
that they wouldn't
let you take the sombrero?
- Why do you always think
I'm doing something?
It's corporate policy!
- 'Cause you know I wanted
to wear that for Taco Tuesday.
- You're always with
your cultural appropriation.
[knock on door]
Y--you don--
- Hey, how's it going, Coach?
- Oh, it's you.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Listen,
we have a surprise for you.
- I think you've done enough,
okay?
- I would love it if
you could just hear Tom out,
because, uh,
he is about to perform
a random act of generosity
that is really gonna
touch your hearts.
- Really?
- That's right.
Coach, this is our way
of saying thank you
for 20 years of teaching.
- This is the key
to a brand new Ford Taurus.
- [gasps]
- There it is.
- Wait, what?
Oh, my gosh.
- [laughs]
Oh, my God.
This is amazing!
- It's all yours.
- Wait a minute.
- Is that bird crap on the car?
- What's that?
- Is it?
Wait a minute.
- Is that bird crap on the car?
- Bird crap, where?
- Right there, right there.
Is that bird crap?
- That is bird crap.
- Did we say new?
Did you say new, Mom?
It's not new.
- No, I di--
if I did say that,
I didn't mean to.
It's actually a 2004.
- A 2004?
- But it's all yours.
- I think we're good.
- I'm sorry, Coach,
but we insist.
We already leased a new Tesla,
so this is yours,
whether you like it or not.
- So you're just unloading
your old-ass junker onto us?
- No, this is more of like an
Oprah Winfrey type situation.
- Oprah would've washed the
damn bird crap off first, okay?
- No one knows
what Oprah would've done.
- Oprah would've
washed the bird crap!
- All right, thank you
for coming, everybody.
- Listen, I just
want to say before we start,
I like to have a catchphrase
for each trial.
And we're gonna go with,
"If he broke his neck,
you must write check."
- [fake snores]
Wow, that was great.
Listen,
how 'bout a check for $0?
- $0?
What are you talking here?
- Yeah, that sounds low.
That sounds low.
- Oh, well, guess what?
We reviewed Tom's MRI,
and we're a little concerned.
- What could you be
concerned about exactly?
- Yeah, what's going on?
- Sit back,
sand down the aloofness,
and you'll understand.
This is the part
I'm concerned about.
"The neck looks fine.
"No injury whatsoever.
Why is this idiot
in the hospital?"
- The doctor wrote "idiot"?
- He's a
tell-it-like-it-is doctor.
- Sorry. I might've
overstated my injuries.
- Ooh.
- Tom.
- I'm sorry, Mom,
I know how much
you wanted
that flying squirrel suit.
- Yup.
Anyway,
looks like you have to go to
school like a normal poor kid.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth ♪
We can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow ♪
We can float anywhere ♪