Testees s01e03 Episode Script

Hang on.
I got your birthday presents here.
Tell you what, let's go ahead and put this on Get ready for a big surprise.
This better be good.
Right on, you guys got me a stripper.
Nice.
Enjoy Nugget.
- Get in there.
- It's oily, but I don't care.
She doesn't talk much.
That's beautiful.
It's so firm.
It's like really well trained ass.
That's fantastic.
You know what? Point that thing somewhere else.
- That was so wrong.
- Yet, so right.
That was awesome.
- Good job, good work - Thank you.
You got me guys.
You got me real good.
You got him for another full hour.
- Don't tell us you're done already.
- That was good, that was good it was really, really funny.
I was really surprised.
I hope you guys don't mind looking over your shoulders every minute of every day, thinking, "Is today the Nugget gets us back?" - I'm okay with that.
- I'm comfortable.
You know what, I'm going to go wash because I have dude splooge on my face.
Just don't use our towels.
- Success.
- Yes.
Let's go, I want everyone out.
Come on.
- Are you sure? - We're sure.
We're sure, real sure.
Move it.
Party pooper Gross! - We're not kids anymore.
- Actually it's not just the burp it's the after blow that gets me.
- Charming.
- Come on, let's go.
Move, we gotta be at work in the morning.
I can't believe you guys are still working at that awful place.
What do you mean awful? It's the best job ever.
Increase power to 80%.
Who are you?! I don't know, who are you? I don't know.
Les Bankable Teens vous présentent: Testees, épisode 3, saison 1: Memory Loss - Got no cash.
- My credit cards are missing.
Hang on a second.
My name is Peter Cooper.
I'm Ronald Mitchell and I've donated my organs to science.
- That was very thoughtful of you.
- What happened to us? How can we both have amnesia? I'm scared.
Me too.
Wait A pay stub from a place called Testico.
Testicle? You work at a place called testicle? Testico.
- There's a phone number.
- Call them.
Here.
Research facility.
My name is Ronald Mitchell And I think I work there.
Do you know who I am? Okay something has happened to me and this disheveled looking - what's your name again? - Peter Cooper.
Peter Cooper.
Thanks, okay, we'll be right there.
They want us to come down there.
They know who we are.
They can explain exactly what happened to us.
So we work at a testing facility.
Maybe we're like famous scientists? We do what? Test experimental drugs and products like guinea pigs? Why would we ever agree to that? It's your job.
It sounds like the worst job ever.
We've been testing a brain washing device and we've seen this kind of partial memory loss before.
I don't believe you.
I would never agree to something like this.
- I'm Peter Cooper.
- And I'm Ron Mitchell.
And we are of sound mind and willingly agree to undergo experiment A-101190 Brain Washing device.
- You may wash our brains.
- In the laundry.
Then we may not remember who we are.
Awesome, I don't want to remember who I am.
If you're watching this do us both a favor, forget about your old life.
Get a haircut, hit the gym, go back to school and get a real job.
And Ron if you're watching, you're a secret agent assassin.
Your mission, kill Peter Cooper.
He is your mortal enemy.
- Kill Peter Cooper.
- That's actually not funny.
Kill.
The key to undoing memory loss is familiarity.
Get back into your old routines.
Try to live your life as closely as possible to what it was before the experiment.
But we don't know how we lived our lives.
Go home, talk to your neighbors, look at photos.
The next 24 hours are critical.
If you don't regain your memory, the loss will be permanent.
You will never remember your lives again.
Let's have a look around the place.
- We're poor.
- Like to party.
We're slobs.
Like to play video games.
- I am Jewish.
- Now being circumcised dosn't make you - Jewish anymore.
- Trust me I'm Jewish.
Wait, wait.
Maybe we're bikers.
Makes perfect sense.
The place is a mess, we don't have any credit cards because we want to live off the grid.
We're bikers.
We're badass bikers.
We use our Testico money on meth.
That is so cool.
You know I think I kind of remember the wind blowing trough my hair.
Let's go find our old ladies.
Jewish bikers.
There seems to be a mistake.
My application for a beer garden was denied.
There's no mistake.
You've been rejected.
I'm afraid your street isn't zoned for a patio.
Look I'm gentrifying the entire neighborhood.
I'm going to have nice champagne buckets on every table.
- It will be classy.
- Nice, buckets.
In that case.
I'll just go amend the constitution.
- I'd like to speak to your boss.
- I'm afraid that's not possible.
Your boss works for the city, which means he works for me.
You give me one good reason why he can't talk to me.
He's dead.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- Yeah, it is.
It really is.
I mean the saddest part I said it was terrible.
So where should I go? - The service is at St.
Anne's - No, I mean for the application.
I kind of need to get this moving.
Nobody can approve it except for the commissioner.
Isn't there a death clause, a free pass kind of thing, you know, out of respect? But don't worry, because they're going to hold an election right away between you and me, the new planning commissioner - Is in this office.
- Really? Gentlemen.
Any of you boys remember us? So we're not bikers.
The city needs a planning commissioner who understands the principles of incremental growth through a 3% annual increase in urban density.
Smart zoning today for family friendly communities tomorrow.
- He's got my vote.
- Now I'll never get my patio.
You know if you were commissioner you could approve your own patio.
- What do you mean? - Run for office.
Me? I don't have any experience.
Experience, ex-schmerience look at this douche.
I don't even know what the job is, or what a commissioner does.
Who cares? All you have to do is razzle dazzle these people.
I guess I could learn about zoning and speed bumps and Nobody cares about all that boring crap.
All you gotta do is hit the right amount of paranoid right wing hot buttons in your speech and you can get a cactus elected.
Give me that pen, I'll show you.
One man, one woman One Bible Call me an old fashioned preacher's daughter and registered gun owner but that's what I call marriage.
Thank you.
So in a way that was good.
Now we know we're not bikers.
We can just cross that right off the list.
Great, so now there's only like a million things that we could be.
- Take a look at this picture.
- Okay, so we must be good friends.
Really good friends.
- Really, really good friends.
- Really, really good friends.
Who wear assless chaps.
- I think we're gay lovers.
- What? - Come on, we're just friends.
- Friends with benefits.
Think about it.
We're two thirty-something men living together Do you see any sign of women? I mean take a look at yourself.
At the risk of being unpopular, I love Jesus.
Let me show you something.
Two bedrooms.
- See that? - Well nobody lives is in here.
- How do you know? - It's too clean, it's a guest room.
Probably for orgies.
Come here If we're not gay there'd be stuff that chicks left when they sleep over, right? But there's nothing.
There's no pink shavers, there's no tampons, there's no makeup, there's no panties, there's no cotton balls, there's no birth control pills.
There's nothing.
Do you see any woman's hair in here? That's just a ball of pubes, not proof.
What do you want? Excuse me sir, but are we gay? Totally.
Maybe this is just some sort of mistake.
Hi boys, I forgot my leathers here last night.
Bye, bye.
So that's it.
We're gay.
We're not just gay, we're super gay.
So I guess we should just bum hump and get our memories back.
Stop it! I'm not horny.
I know I'm gay I just thought I'd feel gay, you know.
And I don't feel gay.
Right now I don't care how you feel.
You're my boy toy and I need you to help me get my memory back.
- Now take your pants off.
- Whoa, slow down! - What? - Aren't we rushing? Shouldn't we have a few drinks first, get to know each other? Do we really have to do that right away.
- Now bend over.
- Stop! Enough! What makes you so certain that you're pithcing and I'm catching? Maybe I'm on top.
You're obviously the bottom.
You're the pretty boy, you're the bottom.
No way.
Wait, I'm starting to get a memory.
- Oh really - You're on the bottom I'm actually getting a very vivid memory of you being the bottom - You're on the bottom.
- You're.
You love it.
- I've seen your CD's.
- You came out of the bottom.
Sorry to keep bugging you guys but we have completely lost our memories.
We were subjects in a brain washing experiment That's heavy.
You really don't know who you are? We really don't.
What do you remember? Thanks to you we know that we're lovers, but You told them that? We're just a little unsure of who the bottom is.
- I'm not unsure.
- I think you're unsure.
Okay, so wait.
This is like one of your experimental testting product dealies.
That's right, you know about that.
We know everything about you guys.
Can you help us because the only way we're getting our memories back is if we live our lives the way we used to.
It would be our pleasure.
Let's start from the beginning.
One thing about you guys was that you love to make out.
You did it all the time in front of everybody.
Good.
The sooner we do this, the sooner we're back to normal.
Fine.
This better work.
- Do you remember anything? - Just what you had for lunch.
That's not right.
When you guys made out it was like the whole world just disappeared.
It was you two and your passionate love and there were tongues and gob everywhere.
Whatever.
Come on.
Let's just go for it That's good.
More tongue.
That's good.
A little more tongue.
That's really good.
Still nothing? If we don't find a way of getting our memories back it could be permanent.
Maybe if we could recreate what we were doing right before the experiment we could job something? Something you were doing before the experiment? You were having a party.
That's right.
The place was a mess.
Do you remember what it was for? Is it important for us? It actually was.
You guys were performing a life sex act in front of your friends and family.
What? - Will you let him finish? - It was a real big deal for you guys.
You planned it for months and wanted everyone to know how committed you were to each other.
Like a marriage ceremony you mean? But with sex.
Come on, really? I can't see myself doing something like that.
I was there, I saw the whole show.
It was so beautiful.
We need to do the show again, tonight.
Nugget we need a huge favor.
You need to call all our friends and family and get them to come back and watch Pete and I consummate our love again.
Okay fine, I'll do it, but you guys are going to owe me big time.
Tell us exactly what we did.
And that's when I knew that the unborn foetus of a rapist had more rights than the mother.
- Listen, no hard feelings right? - You are making a mockery of everything that this office stands for.
This has nothing to do with gun rights, immigration or abortion.
Oh, really, because I have a group of highly motivated voters who would strongly disagree with you.
I know you're not a conservative, you're just pandering.
Oh really? Too bad you can't prove it.
So sad.
They're what? Hell yeah, I'll be there! Thank you everybody for being here on such short notice.
Sorry that all of you had to come back for the repeat performance, But this is something that means a lot to Ron and I so thanks.
And before we start I just want to thank our best friend Nugget Who has helped us out trough a very diffcult time and if it wasn't for him this would not be possible.
Thank you Nugget.
Thank you.
And listen, don't stand so far everybody.
There's lots of room on the floor.
Please come, sit down.
Make yourselves at home.
We're all friends and family, right? - This is about sharing.
- It's about sharing and intimacy so we want to feel your warmth and your presence with us here today.
Action.
This is golden.
I think I love you.
Ron! Gross! Ron! Gross! Ron! Gross! Good god Pete, - You remember everything.
- Everything.
Do you? I just got all my memories back.
Isn't that wonderful Ron? You know what else I just remembered: that I am straight and we are not gay.
Me too.
It would have been so nice if this happened about four minutes ago.
I think my nana just had a heart attack.
Don't worry Pete, we'll get revenge and when we do it'll be huge.
I can't believe he posted it online.
One day in politics, I'm already in a sex scandal.
- How many views are we up to now? - 612,419 and that's the bana-rama re-mix.
I like the Rick Astley one better.
- I'm going back to Testico.
- Why? I want my memory rainst again.