That Damn Michael Che (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
- You know,
I remember being a kid,
and you'd watch
your favorite show in the '80s,
and they'd always have
this very special episode.
It was, like,
the one serious episode
of "Diff'rent Strokes"
or whatever,
where something happened
to Dudley.
You're a kid watching
a fucking sitcom.
I wanna see Arnold.
I wanna see, "What you
talkin' 'bout, Willis,"
and, like, "Nope.
Today we're, talking about
getting molested, kids."
Well, this
is that episode for me.
You gotta understand,
a pandemic is just
one more thing for us.
There's a lot of pandemics
for niggas.
[gunshots and shouting]
- Get down!
[tires squeal]
[people screaming]
- Yo, you all right?
You all right? You good?
- Bro, I think I'm shot.
- Aw, fuck.
- I don't wanna die, man.
- You're not gonna die.
You're not gonna die.
I'm gonna call an ambulance
right now.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't call the ambulance.
Don't.
- Why not?
- They're gonna charge me,
like, $8,000.
Fuck that.
- What? Nigga, you got shot.
- I know, but me and my lady
trying to get this house.
I don't want that
on my credit right now.
Just call a Lyft. Trust me.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
It's gonna be faster.
- All right, all right,
all right, whatever, whatever.
- They just caught me slipping
and tried to assassinate me
on Grand Street.
- Yeah, I know man.
You're gonna be all right,
though, man.
- My boy calling a Lyft
'cause the ambulance gonna
take too slow.
That's a real nigga
right there.
- Nigga,
who are you talking to?
- My Live.
- Why are you
on Live right now?
Don't put me on, man.
What's wrong with you?
- I got 34 people watching.
That's the most I ever had.
- 34?
- Yeah, lookit.
Remember Porsche?
- Yeah.
- Look. She in there.
What's up?
- I am helping him right now.
- You know how we do. [laughs]
[spacey guitar music building]
♪
[pensive bass line]
- No matter
how hard you try ♪
You can't stop me now ♪
[light music]
[gavel banging]
- Now, before we start
this town hall meeting,
I just wanna take
a moment to acknowledge
all the fine townspeople
we've lost this past year,
far too soon,
for reasons
beyond any of our control.
It's a damn shame.
We thought it would be
a nice gesture
to keep their memories alive
with this short video tribute.
- These masks are literally
the work of Satan,
and every single one of you
obeying the devil's laws
is gonna be arrested by God.
- I will remember you ♪
- More people die
from a regular flu every year
than from COVID.
- Will you remember me? ♪
- The mask makes you breathe in
your own carbon monoxide!
- Don't let your life
pass you by ♪
- There's a little thing
in this country
called the Constitution!
- Weep not
for the memories ♪
- I can't see anybody's
face anymore.
I can't tell if
a baby is smiling at me!
- Weep not for ♪
The memories ♪
- Okay.
First order.
We have a motion
to make masks mandatory.
[people shouting]
Order!
Order!
[bangs gavel]
Order!
[shouting continues]
[bellowing] Order!
- Could you imagine
that there's people out there
who would rather die
than deal with the consequences
of having a high hospital bill?
They're more worried
that they have to pay
for this fucking ambulance
than that they might die
in this moment.
Isn't that fucking crazy?
- Jesus Christ.
[laughs]
I never thought
I'd say this on this show,
but I think I'm gonna have
to take
the cop's side on this one,
Wil.
I don't think that's
a likely scenario.
[laughs]
- Yo, yo, the Lyft's here.
The Lyft's here, yo.
Act like you're not shot.
- All right. All right, cool.
Cool. Cool.
[grunts]
[groans] Walk straight.
- So just act like
you're good.
Just shut up, man.
- Lyft for Michael?
- Yeah, yeah.
We just going
to the hospital right quick.
- Yeah,
just run all the lights.
- Is he okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
He's all right, man.
He just feels a little sick.
That's all.
- Hey, man, he's not going
to shit or puke in my car?
- No, man. He's fine.
- Just open the door!
- Then why are you holding
your stomach like that?
- I got shot!
- What? Call an ambulance.
- We can't call an ambulance,
man.
- I'm trying to get a house.
- [sympathetically] Oh.
You can't have
all that on your credit.
both: Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Get in. But!
Put your masks on first.
- We don't got masks.
- You've got to wear a mask
if you want to be in here.
- Open the fucking door, man.
- It's mandated!
People are dying.
- Oh, my God.
I'm shot!
- Uh-uh!
- He's dying now.
- No ride without a mask.
- Now what, man?
I'm gonna die out here.
- No, man,
you ain't gonna die.
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna call Calvin now.
- Why?
- Because he gets shot
all the time.
He's gonna know what to do.
- Nigga, I can't help y'all.
I just did 11 years.
I ain't trying to go
back for no bullshit.
Yo, take the train
or something.
- The train?
The--he's shot, man.
He could die on the platform.
- Man, that ain't my problem.
I'm an entrepreneur now.
I'm making workout videos.
- What?
- Oh, matter of fact, when
you guys are done with that,
you need to come holler at me.
I got, like,
three clients over here now.
Shit is litty.
- Calvin, what the fuck
are you talking about, man?
This nigga's gonna die.
- Yo, I'ma die out here.
It's a wrap for me.
Don't unfollow me!
- You're not gonna die.
- Calvin, this nigga
is gonna die, man.
What the fuck are you doing?
Please help us.
- [laughs]
Let's go!
- I don't know if this
is just a New York thing,
but there's always niggas
just doing pull-ups
on the light poles
and on "don't walk" signs
and shit.
They use bricks for dumbbells,
two gallons of water.
They will work out on anything.
That's when you know
the hood is ruined,
when white girls
are doing pull-ups
on stop signs.
Then you're like,
"It's time to move.
Rent's going up soon."
[lasers shoot]
- My name is Calvin.
And I'm here to get
your body in shape
by Calvin!
- Body's by Calvin.
- [barks]
- The latest
urban workout craze
taking the industry by storm.
- I started working out
when I was locked away
in, uh, college.
So I was thinking to myself,
"Why not become
a personal trainer to women?"
- Calvin's workout combines
high-impact squats
with intense stretching
and massaging
to target
all your problem areas.
See how flat that ass is?
Now, that's a problem.
- I told him my goal
was to lose 20 pounds,
and he asked me,
"What do you wanna lose
that for?
That's the Gucci."
So far we've just done
a bunch of stretching
which is fine by me.
- Right, ladies,
now we're gonna do the shank.
all: Shank! Shank! Shank!
- Bitch!
- And yo, you can cancel
that expensive gym membership
because Calvin's
one-on-one workouts
will get you the results
you're looking for
in the comfort
of his sister's apartment.
- That's it.
You can get
one-on-one service
or one-on-two service
with me and my boy
from college, Cliff.
- What up, y'all?
- He's not built,
but he used to be.
So he knows what to do.
- That's a fact.
- How much you think all this
training costs?
$200?
$100? Not even close.
It costs $800.
- I just wanted to tone
my upper body a little bit,
but Calvin said
the only thing wrong with me
is that I don't have a donk.
So he has me doing
a ton of squats,
and then we stretch
while Cliff takes video.
- Reach.
Reach for freedom.
I'm tired of you ladies
on these dangerous diets.
You need to eat real food,
like lasagna, oxtail,
chicken parm.
Then you do squats.
That's how you get the cake.
- I showed up
to Calvin's workout class
with a jacket around my waist
and he told me
not to do that anymore,
said he couldn't see nothing.
I told him
I'd rather leave it on,
and he asked me to leave.
- Do you feel bad
about your body?
Well, come show it to me.
I guarantee you,
I'm gonna make you feel good
about your body
in just six weeks.
Just six weeks. [chuckles]
'Cause we ain't trying
to stay in nothing long term.
- That's a fact.
- Yeah, because--
I think niggas think
that books are only in jail.
[crew laughing]
[laughs] They're like,
"You don't know
what this shit is.
Nigga, this is like TV,
but slower and in your mind."
You're like, "A book?
Yeah, sure.
I know what that is."
I can't believe that Calvin
did us dirty like that, man.
Just left us fuckin' hanging.
You all right, man?
- Yo
I think I see Pop Smoke, yo.
- Nigga, you not dying, man.
- No, no.
Right there.
- [chuckles] Nigga do kinda
look like Pop Smoke.
- Yo.
If I die,
promise me something.
- You're not gonna die, man.
Stop talking like that.
- But if I do,
promise me
you will not let Alex draw me.
- Draw you?
- Yo, every time he do a mural
of somebody dead,
they ain't got no hands.
He don't know
how to draw hands.
They hands in they pocket
or they holding something.
- Well,
hands is hard to airbrush.
But where are you
getting that, man?
- He stinks, man.
I want Tony drawing my mural.
His shits be fire.
And tell him to make
my earrings shine bright.
And give me
that "Dragon Ball Z" hair.
- That would be kind of dope.
- That shit be fire.
- You ain't gotta worry
about that, man.
You ain't getting a mural
because you're gonna make it,
man.
We're almost at Mount Holyoke
right now.
- The fancy hospital?
No, man, no.
Take me to Tubman's.
- Tubman's?
You trying to die?
That shit is ghetto as hell.
- But they way cheaper.
A hospital is a hospital, bro.
- I don't know
about Tubman's, man.
It's weird to say
that something
is a Black hospital, because
I don't think Black people
own hospitals.
When they say "Black hospital,"
they just mean
"a hospital that
Black people go to," you know?
Like, Black neighborhood.
We all renting.
A lot of nurses and doctors
like to work in Black hospitals
because they get
to see more trauma.
It's fucked up.
A Black hospital is, like,
where you learn how
to take care of white people.
[laughter]
We're like frogs
in the 6th grade, man.
They just practicing
on us and shit.
[emotional music]
[distant overlapping voices
and devices beeping]
- Mr. Williams.
How are you feeling today?
- Um, nervous.
- Nervous?
Let me guess.
It's your first prostate exam.
- Yeah.
- Listen
[clears throat]
Brother to brother
you got nothing to worry about.
- If you say so.
- I get that it's scary
and it definitely doesn't seem
like the most masculine thing
in the world,
but that's why a lot of us
don't get checked out
and end up very sick.
See, prostate health
is very important at our age.
So you gotta learn
to move past that fear.
And it's a, uh, big step
that you're making this
effort,
definitely.
- Yeah.
- So, first,
I want you to take off
your pants and your underwear.
Bend over that bench.
♪
- I guess
- Oh, wait! Okay.
What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm taking my pants off,
like you just said.
- I--I see that,
but I'm still in the room.
You don't see me?
- Yeah, but I'm confused.
I thought you was
about to do the exam.
- I'm trying to,
if you'll let me finish.
- I don't know
what's going on.
You said put the pants down.
That's what I'm doing.
- So after I leave the room,
I want you to take
your pants off,
bend over that bench,
then you're going to wet
your right index finger
and put it as far as you can
up your anus.
You should feel a little--
- Wait. Wait a minute.
You want me to do it?
- I don't see nobody else
in here.
- But you're the doctor!
- You thought I was here
to stick my finger
in your ass
[chuckling]
And you signed up for that?
What you on, bro?
- You know what, man?
Forget it.
- Oh--
- Forget it.
- No, no, let's not forget it.
Angie! Come in here.
- Everything okay, Doctor?
- Hell, no.
This nasty-ass nigga thought
I was finna
stick my finger in his booty.
- [gasps] Ew!
He look like he weird, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, if I'm gonna do it
by myself,
what the fuck
am I paying you for?
- Oh.
- Whoa, whoa.
My man.
Don't do that.
Don't get cocky, okay?
I am a fucking
medical professional.
I make high six figures.
I own two vacation properties.
I drive a G-Wagon.
I have a beautiful wife
and I'm tapping
beautiful bitches on the side.
- [cracks gum]
- Ain't no amount of money
can pay me to finger you.
- You need to fuck him up, Doc.
- Mm-hmm.
- And who are you?
- Oh, I'm Patrice.
- That's just Angie's friend
Patrice.
- Why are you filming me?
- This for my Live. Yeah.
Y'all,
look at this nasty-ass nigga
trying to get fingered
by a doctor.
[laughter]
- I am not!
- [laughs]
- Stop filming me, yo.
- Are you crazy?
It's 32 people up in this live.
- Finger-in-the-booty-ass
nigga.
- Calvin is ready.
He's ready to get
this workout--
♪
- Yo, when I die,
if any ugly bitches
try to post me on the 'Gram,
I want you to comment.
I want you to be like, "Yo,
he didn't even fuck with you
like that for real,"
especially Nicole.
I don't want niggas
to think I smash.
- But you did smash.
- So?
I don't want niggas
to think I did.
- Stop talking like that, man.
You not gonna die.
- But don't you ever think
shit like this happens
for a reason, bro?
Like, maybe it's just my time.
- You're gonna make it, man.
- Everybody get poked.
It might just be
my time to go, man.
I don't know.
I'm just tired.
[exhales]
- Kev, you ain't going out
like that.
- Hey.
Hey!
- What?
- Look.
- No.
- There's a pandemic out here,
and it's people like you
that's making shit worse
for everybody else.
- Hey, man,
I'm not looking over there.
Just stop talking to us.
- Why? Because I'm homeless?
- No, because
you butt-ass naked.
- You just don't get it.
Germs don't care about
how much money you make
or what color we are
or who's butt-ass naked.
Germs only care
about one thing: masks.
- Doesn't make any sense, man.
- Hey, he's right.
You two
should be wearing masks.
- You know something?
You're putting every
single one of us in danger.
- Thank you.
- I just got shot, everybody.
- Okay, and that's your right.
But not wearing a mask is like
you shooting all of us.
- Yup. That's right.
- Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
She said it.
[applause]
- Look, we don't have masks.
- I got extra.
- If you don't get
that nasty shit away from me.
- It may not be brand new,
but it still works.
- Where did you
even pull that from?
- My pocket.
- You're not wearing clothes,
man.
- And why are y'all worried
about us, okay?
Y'all are wearing masks,
so y'all should be fine.
- White privilege
strikes again.
- Hey, do we look white to you?
- Well, yeah, white.
- Yeah.
Refusing to wear a mask
makes you a Karen.
- You are worse than a Karen.
- Let's post these Karens
on my Live.
- Yeah.
- Where did he pull
that phone from?
[downtrodden music]
- When you feel like
this is how you could die
That becomes
what your priority is.
Like, I think a lot of people
in the Black community
don't take COVID seriously
because they don't believe that
that's how they're gonna die.
Even if
they've seen it happen--
I've seen it happen.
It's happened in my family.
I've seen some--
I've lost somebody to COVID,
and it doesn't feel real.
But a motherfucker getting shot
seems very real,
seems very likely,
and I bet there's
a lot of people
who are afraid of COVID
who don't even consider
that they could possibly
be gunned down somewhere
when there's motherfuckers
in inner cities
all over this country
that can't imagine a scenario
where they're not
shot to death.
[medical devices beeping,
overlapping voices]
- "Cut this, suture this."
Ooh.
[exhales]
- Doc, is he okay?
- Oh.
Ooh.
I'm so sorry.
I, um
don't know how to say this,
but
I don't remember
who you brought here.
- Kevin. Kevin Jones.
- Right, right, right,
right, right.
Mr. Jones.
- Yeah.
- Gunshot, right?
- Yes.
- Abdomen, right?
- Yes, abdomen.
- Ah.
So sorry; I mean,
it's been a crazy night.
Have you ever went
a whole day without eating?
I mean, I--
- Is he okay?
- No. He's dead.
If you would have gotten him
here sooner, maybe.
Hey,
the cops will probably ask,
but did you happen
to see who shot him?
- No.
They were
they were wearing masks.
I
- Oh! That's good.
I'm so proud of our city
being so careful
during this pandemic.
Oh, speaking of which
Yeah, um
you have to wear this
if you wanna be in here.
It's not brand new,
but still works.
Yeah.
Um, sorry for your loss.
[exhales]
- I will remember you ♪
Will you remember me? ♪
Don't let your life ♪
Pass you by ♪
Weep not for ♪
The memories ♪
Na-na, na-na ♪
Weep not for ♪
The memories ♪
- You ever had
a gun pulled out on you?
- Yes, I have.
- When you grow up in New York
and you getting robbed,
you can't be crying,
you know what I'm saying?
- Because you cry,
you know what I'm saying--
'cause there might be someone
in the hood that's robbing
you,
you know what I'm saying,
and then he'll go back.
- Wil, Wil.
I know what you're saying.
You can just tell the story.
- I mean, no big deal,
you know what I'm saying?
It's like
- No.
I know what you're--that's
what I'm trying to tell you.
I know what you're saying.
You don't have to say,
"You know what I'm saying"
every time.
- It's more like a comma,
you know what I'm saying?