The Adventures of Kid Danger (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
Texas Weiners; YooHoo Tube
1 [exciting music.]
# Oh here we go up the tubes # Fighting crime is what we do A superhero and his sidekick with a plan Who's the one behind the mask Who can move super fast? - # It's Kid Danger # - And look! It's Captain Man - # So come along # - All: # Come along # It's "The Adventures of Kid Danger" - # This is the song # - All: # This is the song # For "The Adventures of Kid Danger" - # I'm okay # - Feels good.
[children cheering.]
[bells ringing.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Ow.
Okay! Ow! All right, let's not ow! - Don't throw th ow! Why? - I said - Who threw that? - That's enou ahh! - [grunting.]
Oof! - Ow! Okay, kids, we gonna take a break, 'cause it's time for cake.
[children cheering.]
- How could you do this? - I don't know what you mean.
- We are superheroes.
- I am.
You're a sidekick.
[giggles.]
[sighs.]
I mean, how dare you rent us out to a kids birthday party - like we're some kind of bounce house? - Oh, come on, kid.
This is the richest family in all of Swellview.
Big Dingus is paying us $80,000 to be here.
Oh, you just want money so you can buy one of those stupid Japanese toilets.
They are not stupid! They they do things for you.
- Gross.
- Oh, don't be a child.
You're the child.
Well, I guess if I'm a child, I should be doing stuff like this! [blows raspberries.]
Yeah.
Oh.
You like that? Ew! No! [both blowing raspberries.]
[man laughs.]
Well, well, I ain't never seen two superheroes going [blows raspberry.]
In each other's faces before! [laughing.]
- [laughing.]
- [coughing.]
[both coughing.]
[chuckles.]
Who are these clowns? Clowns! Uh, Kid Danger, this is the richest man in Swellview, Big Dingus, who's paying us $80,000 to be here.
And this is his handsome son, Little Dingus.
I'm the birthday boy! Aww, yes, you sure are.
And what's that you have there? Is that a birthday hot dog? You call this a hot dog? Well, here's what I think of this hot dog.
[sniffs.]
There's a snot dog on my foot.
The boy's upset.
Well, dang right, I'm upset! It's my birthday, and I wants what I wants! Well, what does he wants? The very best hot dogs in this whole state.
[gasps.]
You mean Both: Texas Wieners? Dang right, he means Texas Wieners! - But - The only place to get Texas Wieners is in little Texas.
And that's, like, a 45-minute drive from here.
All right, listen.
You know how I'm paying y'all $80,000 to be here and get balls chucked at you? - Yes.
- We know.
Well, if y'all can drive up to Little Texas, pick up 1,000 Texas Wieners, and get 'em back here before this party's over, I'll make it $84,000.
[both gasp.]
- Should we do it? - I don't know.
That's a long way to go and a short time to get there.
- And back.
- True.
- They say it can't be done.
- Who are "they"? I don't know.
The Germans? Well, then I say we show those pessimistic Germans that it can be done! [laughs.]
Cool.
I'll call Charlotte and Schwoz and tell 'em to get the truck so we can haul the wieners.
I'll get my car, the Mans Am.
And I'll find the perfect feel-good song that'll set the tone for crazy road trip adventures! [twangy music.]
[engine roars.]
We'll hit the road, now we're rollin' A-giddiyup, get going To good ol' Little Texas where it's at Oh, them wieners, they'll be roastin' The buns will be toastin' If we make it Hey, Dog's Bottom, how do you like this car, the Mans Am? It's cool, but why do you keep calling me Dog's Bottom? I told you! When you go on a road trip, the most important thing is that we all have cool nicknames.
Oh, and it's also important to drive like this.
[tires squeal.]
- Whoo! - Yeah, we're rotating! - Yeah! - Whoa! Nice reckless driving.
Thanks! Now check this out.
Breaker, breaker, one-nine.
This is Mandit One, lookin' for the Fuzzy Lady.
Come back, Fuzzy Lady! Hey, good buddy.
You got the Fuzzy Lady.
Come back.
Ooh, I wanna try! I wanna try! I wanna try! I wanna try! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Hey, Fuzzy Lady.
Where's Wet Noodle? [pig squeals.]
- Ahh! - Hey.
"Wet Noodle" is right here in the truck, with Schwoz's nasty pet pig on my lap.
[slurps.]
Your nickname is Sausage.
[pig squeals.]
Hey, look.
Little Texas, one more mile.
Well, then let's crank up the tunes and put the hammer down! [clanking.]
- Ah! - Ahh! Ahh! Hammer in my eye! [grunts.]
If we make it there and back [clanking.]
If we make it there and back [music.]
If we make it there and back [tires squealing.]
If we make it there and back [all sigh.]
Schwoz, you and Charlotte wait in the truck.
But this pig is eating my foot! Hey, stop stop that.
[beeping.]
[jaunty music.]
Thanks.
Hey, there, bud.
How many wieners do you have? Uhh 1,000.
Perfect, then we'll take 1,000 wieners.
Just put 'em in that big, ugly truck over there.
Oh, dude, it's gonna take me hours to load 1,000 pork wieners into that truck.
Not if we cut right to it.
[music.]
[grunts.]
And 1,000 Texas Wieners.
Thank you, Wiener Man.
[music.]
[grunting.]
[music.]
Hello? Say, can I get some service over here, please? On my way.
[laughing.]
Okay.
All right, guys.
Let's get out of here before that wiener guy makes us pay.
I'm Sheriff Barfus T.
Puster! I know.
I want two Texas Wieners, one with ketchup, one with mustard.
We ain't got nary no more wieners.
What? [tires squealing.]
Yeee-haw! Them foreigners done bought up every last dang wiener we had.
Well, that's awful! Wieners are for everyone! Oh, yeah, but what you gonna do? Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna drive after those those wiener snatchers, and I'm gonna go [imitates siren.]
Until they pull over and sell me two wieners! Best of luck.
Junior! Junior! Yes, Daddy? Fasten your safety belt! We've gotta go chase some bad people who took all the wieners! But other daddy said we were supposed to pick up my medicine.
So? He's not the boss of me! [grunting.]
Oh! Why don't they make steering wheels that accommodate my flab? You want a hug? No! [music.]
[tires squeal.]
Oh, I hit the sign! [lively country music.]
Pull over! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Uh, I think that sheriff is behind us, trying to pull us over.
Well, let's see what he's got under the hood.
Oh, little Dingus, he's so hangry Wants his wieners back in town So we hauled on down the road in the Mans Am And it all goes off without a hitch And we don't drive off a Will you help me get my hand out of your pig? [pig grunting.]
No! We're in the middle of an action sequence.
A-giddyup, get goin' Whoo-hoo! Let's see if you can keep up with the Mans Am! Stop your car! We just want two wieners! If we make it there and back Get 'em, Daddy! Stop yelling! You're gonna give me anxiety! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Hey, dude, he's right on our tail.
Uh uh, yeah.
Uh Uh, grab my blaster, and take out his tires! Kay-kay! [music.]
Oh, no! Daddy, duck! [siren blips.]
I, uh I didn't get the tires.
Sweet Jeepers! What in the name of cashew butter did they do to my car? Daddy there's foam coming out of my mouth! Then take your medicine! But my medicine bottle's empty.
Then use it to catch your foam! If we make it there and back [belch.]
I can't believe your pig ate my arm.
Ugh.
Complain, complain.
[music.]
Ahh! [tires squealing.]
- What-what? - The David Lee Roth Bridge.
It's out of order! Might as well jump.
[electric guitar.]
Wahh Jump the bridge! Come on, jump the bridge! No way.
You do it.
Kay-kay! [both grunting.]
[seatbelts click.]
Okay, ready? Hang on! [laughs.]
[engine roars.]
[majestic music.]
Yeah-ha-ha-ha! Yahh! Kid, the party! - [gasps.]
- Ahh! [tires squeal.]
Oh! [laughs.]
Well, well.
Pluck my chicken and tickle my pits.
'Sup, Big Dingus? [both shouting.]
[horn honks, clattering.]
There they are! Junior, call for backup! [gasping, gurgling.]
Junior! Ah, come on, Big Dingus.
Give us our $84,000.
Uh-uh, I ain't paying you till I see my 1,000 Texas Wieners.
[horn honking.]
[all gasp.]
[both screaming.]
[pig squealing.]
Wait! Be careful! [music.]
[gasps.]
Texas Wieners! Look! I'm making wiener angels! [all laughing.]
Uh, guys.
Guys.
Guys! [laughter fades.]
- My arm is gone! - Well, here.
Use a wiener.
Boop.
It's not the same.
[laughter.]
[music.]
[all coughing.]
[dramatic music.]
Okay.
Sharp knife, check.
Stomach shovel, check.
Perfect face, check.
[chuckles.]
Later, handsome.
[dramatic music.]
Yeah, you know, I mean, I just think there should be - three E's in "cheese.
" - There are.
- Okay, you're insane.
- Ray! What are you doing to Schwoz? Surgery.
[music.]
- Whaaat? - Surgery? Why? What happened to Schwoz? Well, this might sound weird, but [yells through nose.]
Sounds weird, right? Why are you doing surgery on Schwoz? Oh, right.
See, earlier today, Schwoz was working on an experiment Experiment experiment Try it with me.
All: Experiment, experiment, experiment Experiment, experiment.
Okay, little kitten.
[meows.]
To cure your dyslexia, first I do this.
[electronic warbling.]
And this [purring.]
And finally, plutonium gas! [buzzer blares.]
[music.]
[whimpers.]
[demonic growling.]
[growling.]
Ahh! [muffled shouts.]
[meow, gulp.]
[yowling, slapping.]
[slurping.]
But why was he spanking himself? No one knows.
And were you just using Schwoz's mouth as a cup holder? Yes, I was, and I still am.
[music.]
- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait.
So right now there's a little monster inside Schwoz's stomach? Yep, and if we don't get it out soon, it's gonna eat its way out.
[screeching, growling.]
See? Look at that there.
[demonic growling.]
- Ugh.
- Aw, nasty.
Too nasty.
So time for surgery on Schwoz.
Shouldn't we take him to a hospital? No way! Hospitals don't have the special surgery tools that you need to remove micro-creatures from stomachs.
Special tools? This is a cheese knife, this is an ice cream scoop, and this is a melon baller.
None of which are found in most hospitals.
I don't think you know a dang thing about using tools.
Oh, yeah? Well, who do you think mounted that multi-inch TV on the wall over there? [crack, shatter.]
[gasps.]
Um, not me.
J Jasper? Oh, hey, Henry.
[laughs.]
I talked! Now you gotta pay me for the whole episode.
[chuckles.]
- We're not paying him.
- Okay.
How are you gonna do surgery on Schwoz? Yeah, you don't know anything.
Uh, I don't need to know, because years ago, Schwoz uploaded a video to YooHoo Tube, and that video will show us exactly how to safely cut open his stomach and remove whatever's inside it.
And once again, I'm gonna suggest we take Schwoz to a hospital.
You know, every year, more people die in hospitals than die in libraries.
So? Exactly.
And now let's watch and listen to Schwoz's medical instructions.
[lively music.]
Hello, everyone! Uh, if you're watching this video, I assume that I have, once again, swallowed something that's alive and might eat me from the inside.
[laughs.]
Oh, gosh.
Am I a character or what? - Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, Schwoz.
How do we cut open your gut? To remove something from my tummy, first you must must must get get [all groan.]
- Oh, come on.
- Ah, geez.
Okay, what's wrong with our Wi-Fi? Yeah, why is it going so slow? Are you downloading anything? No, I haven't downloaded anything all day! Okay, Miss Questions? Wow! I can't believe I can download all these movies at the same time! "Mean Girls," "Beaches," "Lorenzo's Oil," "Sister Act 2," "Sister Act 3: The Sistering.
" [sighs.]
It's still loading.
Ooh! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes! Remember to never, ever do [beep.]
Ahh! That's it.
I'm just gonna have to figure out how to do the surgery myself.
So you're gonna wing it? - Wingin' it! - Okay.
Uhh [saw whirring.]
One more time.
What do you say we take Schwoz to a hospital? No! Swellview Hospital has terrible Wi-Fi.
Yeah, dude.
It was voted worst Wi-Fi ever.
Hey, I know where we should take Schwoz.
- Where? - Downtown Brown.
- The coffee place? - Oh, yeah.
They got the best Wi-Fi ever.
See? Hey, I think that barista still works there.
Okay.
Got your matcha.
Here you go.
- Climate change is real.
- You too.
You guys, I got you some coffee.
Yeah, just a minute! Gah! [demonic growling.]
- This is a great men's room.
- Who cares? Now, come on, let's chew our gummy, then cut open Schwoz's tummy.
[both chuckle.]
- With the rhymes.
- That's good.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
And now I'll open my door a little wider.
Dude! You just knocked Schwoz into the pee fountain.
[laughing.]
Yeah, well At least the pee fountain doesn't flush automatically.
That would be a doozy of a oh, there it goes.
[water trickling.]
Still holding coffee.
Ahh! [whistles.]
- Charlotte? - Where'd she go? I dunno.
She said she had coffee for us.
Huh.
Well, come on.
Let's go surgerize Schwoz.
[music.]
[groans.]
[indistinct chatter.]
All right.
Your attention! Your attention, please.
[chatter.]
Okay, I want everyone here to just ignore us! Just keep doin' what you're doin'.
[growling.]
Uh-oh.
- What? What's wrong? - [gasps.]
The creature's foot popped out! - [gasps.]
- Uh! There.
Now hurry up, and start the video that'll show us how to do the surgery.
I know what to do.
Hmm.
Now, where is the internet button? Oh! Give me that.
Ooh, here's the video.
Okay, watch.
Let's watch.
- [sighs.]
- Tired of living alone with a bunch of cats and no gluten? Aw, man, it's an ad.
Relax, I can skip it in nine more seconds.
Well, now you can perk up that gluten-free food with [gasps.]
Ooh.
Gluten Cream.
Okay, I can skip it now.
No, don't! I wanna see what happens.
[chewing loudly.]
[meows.]
- Ahh - [gasps.]
- Ooh, wow.
- Hey.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Gluten Cream: Turns your cats into men.
Thanks, Gluten Cream! - You see, that's nice.
- Yeah, good for her.
Hey, hey, hey, here comes the surgery video.
Ooh, ooh! Hello, everyone.
Uh, if you're watching this video, I assume that I have, once again, swallowed something that's alive and might eat me from the inside.
Come on, Schwoz, get to the point.
Before I get to the point, some shout-outs.
[clears throat.]
Shampoo! Unitard! Ravioli! Yeah, I don't think he understands how to do shout-outs.
Ah, just give me the thing.
What what you gonna do? I'm gonna skip ahead to where he explains how to do the surgery.
That's how you remove a creature from my tummy.
Aww, you dragged the thingy too far! I realize that.
Wait.
How do I go back? Ahh, you're so old.
Just give me it.
There.
Now let's just watch and do the surgery, okay? To begin the surgery Tired of living alone with a bunch of cats [both groaning.]
It's not fair to make us watch the same commercial again.
You can perk up that gluten-free food Yeah, yeah.
Gluten Cream.
It turns your cats into hot men.
We get it.
- Wait.
Hot? - Huh? The guy on the commercial never said the men were hot.
Just just click "Skip Ad," okay? Okay.
To begin the surgery Come on, Schwoz.
Tell us what to do.
Good, good.
Here we go.
Oh, and let's both listen with headphones so we can't hear anything else around us.
Smart.
First, you should wash your hands very [dramatic music.]
[demonic growling.]
[people screaming.]
My man bun! Ahh! My hipster identity! [growling.]
- No, no! - My goatee! - Ahh! Oh, I just got a blowout! I'm already bald! Please, no! Whoa! What is happening? Some insane little creature is eating everyone's hairs! Ah! I think it's some kind of bug! Does anyone have bug spray? No, but I have some Gluten Cream! Hey, toss me that Gluten Cream.
[music.]
- Where'd the creature go? - Towards the men's room! [music.]
[growling.]
Charlotte! Hey, you get away from my friend.
[growls, roars.]
I don't care if you growl.
Now have some Gluten Cream.
[music.]
[screeches.]
[twinkling music.]
Whoa.
It really works as advertised.
[groans.]
Whoa.
What what happened? Well, hello.
[meows.]
I mean, uh [clears throat.]
Me-ow.
Well, "meow" back at you.
Wait, Char.
Charlotte.
That guy was just he was inside Schwoz's Ah, who am I to judge weird love? [disgruntled chatter.]
[grunting.]
I still don't feel the creature.
Ooh, ooh, maybe this is A ruby slipper? Ooh, yay! You found it! [music.]
[snores.]
[giggles, snores.]
[both gasping.]
# Oh here we go up the tubes # Fighting crime is what we do A superhero and his sidekick with a plan Who's the one behind the mask Who can move super fast? - # It's Kid Danger # - And look! It's Captain Man - # So come along # - All: # Come along # It's "The Adventures of Kid Danger" - # This is the song # - All: # This is the song # For "The Adventures of Kid Danger" - # I'm okay # - Feels good.
[children cheering.]
[bells ringing.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Ow.
Okay! Ow! All right, let's not ow! - Don't throw th ow! Why? - I said - Who threw that? - That's enou ahh! - [grunting.]
Oof! - Ow! Okay, kids, we gonna take a break, 'cause it's time for cake.
[children cheering.]
- How could you do this? - I don't know what you mean.
- We are superheroes.
- I am.
You're a sidekick.
[giggles.]
[sighs.]
I mean, how dare you rent us out to a kids birthday party - like we're some kind of bounce house? - Oh, come on, kid.
This is the richest family in all of Swellview.
Big Dingus is paying us $80,000 to be here.
Oh, you just want money so you can buy one of those stupid Japanese toilets.
They are not stupid! They they do things for you.
- Gross.
- Oh, don't be a child.
You're the child.
Well, I guess if I'm a child, I should be doing stuff like this! [blows raspberries.]
Yeah.
Oh.
You like that? Ew! No! [both blowing raspberries.]
[man laughs.]
Well, well, I ain't never seen two superheroes going [blows raspberry.]
In each other's faces before! [laughing.]
- [laughing.]
- [coughing.]
[both coughing.]
[chuckles.]
Who are these clowns? Clowns! Uh, Kid Danger, this is the richest man in Swellview, Big Dingus, who's paying us $80,000 to be here.
And this is his handsome son, Little Dingus.
I'm the birthday boy! Aww, yes, you sure are.
And what's that you have there? Is that a birthday hot dog? You call this a hot dog? Well, here's what I think of this hot dog.
[sniffs.]
There's a snot dog on my foot.
The boy's upset.
Well, dang right, I'm upset! It's my birthday, and I wants what I wants! Well, what does he wants? The very best hot dogs in this whole state.
[gasps.]
You mean Both: Texas Wieners? Dang right, he means Texas Wieners! - But - The only place to get Texas Wieners is in little Texas.
And that's, like, a 45-minute drive from here.
All right, listen.
You know how I'm paying y'all $80,000 to be here and get balls chucked at you? - Yes.
- We know.
Well, if y'all can drive up to Little Texas, pick up 1,000 Texas Wieners, and get 'em back here before this party's over, I'll make it $84,000.
[both gasp.]
- Should we do it? - I don't know.
That's a long way to go and a short time to get there.
- And back.
- True.
- They say it can't be done.
- Who are "they"? I don't know.
The Germans? Well, then I say we show those pessimistic Germans that it can be done! [laughs.]
Cool.
I'll call Charlotte and Schwoz and tell 'em to get the truck so we can haul the wieners.
I'll get my car, the Mans Am.
And I'll find the perfect feel-good song that'll set the tone for crazy road trip adventures! [twangy music.]
[engine roars.]
We'll hit the road, now we're rollin' A-giddiyup, get going To good ol' Little Texas where it's at Oh, them wieners, they'll be roastin' The buns will be toastin' If we make it Hey, Dog's Bottom, how do you like this car, the Mans Am? It's cool, but why do you keep calling me Dog's Bottom? I told you! When you go on a road trip, the most important thing is that we all have cool nicknames.
Oh, and it's also important to drive like this.
[tires squeal.]
- Whoo! - Yeah, we're rotating! - Yeah! - Whoa! Nice reckless driving.
Thanks! Now check this out.
Breaker, breaker, one-nine.
This is Mandit One, lookin' for the Fuzzy Lady.
Come back, Fuzzy Lady! Hey, good buddy.
You got the Fuzzy Lady.
Come back.
Ooh, I wanna try! I wanna try! I wanna try! I wanna try! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Hey, Fuzzy Lady.
Where's Wet Noodle? [pig squeals.]
- Ahh! - Hey.
"Wet Noodle" is right here in the truck, with Schwoz's nasty pet pig on my lap.
[slurps.]
Your nickname is Sausage.
[pig squeals.]
Hey, look.
Little Texas, one more mile.
Well, then let's crank up the tunes and put the hammer down! [clanking.]
- Ah! - Ahh! Ahh! Hammer in my eye! [grunts.]
If we make it there and back [clanking.]
If we make it there and back [music.]
If we make it there and back [tires squealing.]
If we make it there and back [all sigh.]
Schwoz, you and Charlotte wait in the truck.
But this pig is eating my foot! Hey, stop stop that.
[beeping.]
[jaunty music.]
Thanks.
Hey, there, bud.
How many wieners do you have? Uhh 1,000.
Perfect, then we'll take 1,000 wieners.
Just put 'em in that big, ugly truck over there.
Oh, dude, it's gonna take me hours to load 1,000 pork wieners into that truck.
Not if we cut right to it.
[music.]
[grunts.]
And 1,000 Texas Wieners.
Thank you, Wiener Man.
[music.]
[grunting.]
[music.]
Hello? Say, can I get some service over here, please? On my way.
[laughing.]
Okay.
All right, guys.
Let's get out of here before that wiener guy makes us pay.
I'm Sheriff Barfus T.
Puster! I know.
I want two Texas Wieners, one with ketchup, one with mustard.
We ain't got nary no more wieners.
What? [tires squealing.]
Yeee-haw! Them foreigners done bought up every last dang wiener we had.
Well, that's awful! Wieners are for everyone! Oh, yeah, but what you gonna do? Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna drive after those those wiener snatchers, and I'm gonna go [imitates siren.]
Until they pull over and sell me two wieners! Best of luck.
Junior! Junior! Yes, Daddy? Fasten your safety belt! We've gotta go chase some bad people who took all the wieners! But other daddy said we were supposed to pick up my medicine.
So? He's not the boss of me! [grunting.]
Oh! Why don't they make steering wheels that accommodate my flab? You want a hug? No! [music.]
[tires squeal.]
Oh, I hit the sign! [lively country music.]
Pull over! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Uh, I think that sheriff is behind us, trying to pull us over.
Well, let's see what he's got under the hood.
Oh, little Dingus, he's so hangry Wants his wieners back in town So we hauled on down the road in the Mans Am And it all goes off without a hitch And we don't drive off a Will you help me get my hand out of your pig? [pig grunting.]
No! We're in the middle of an action sequence.
A-giddyup, get goin' Whoo-hoo! Let's see if you can keep up with the Mans Am! Stop your car! We just want two wieners! If we make it there and back Get 'em, Daddy! Stop yelling! You're gonna give me anxiety! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Hey, dude, he's right on our tail.
Uh uh, yeah.
Uh Uh, grab my blaster, and take out his tires! Kay-kay! [music.]
Oh, no! Daddy, duck! [siren blips.]
I, uh I didn't get the tires.
Sweet Jeepers! What in the name of cashew butter did they do to my car? Daddy there's foam coming out of my mouth! Then take your medicine! But my medicine bottle's empty.
Then use it to catch your foam! If we make it there and back [belch.]
I can't believe your pig ate my arm.
Ugh.
Complain, complain.
[music.]
Ahh! [tires squealing.]
- What-what? - The David Lee Roth Bridge.
It's out of order! Might as well jump.
[electric guitar.]
Wahh Jump the bridge! Come on, jump the bridge! No way.
You do it.
Kay-kay! [both grunting.]
[seatbelts click.]
Okay, ready? Hang on! [laughs.]
[engine roars.]
[majestic music.]
Yeah-ha-ha-ha! Yahh! Kid, the party! - [gasps.]
- Ahh! [tires squeal.]
Oh! [laughs.]
Well, well.
Pluck my chicken and tickle my pits.
'Sup, Big Dingus? [both shouting.]
[horn honks, clattering.]
There they are! Junior, call for backup! [gasping, gurgling.]
Junior! Ah, come on, Big Dingus.
Give us our $84,000.
Uh-uh, I ain't paying you till I see my 1,000 Texas Wieners.
[horn honking.]
[all gasp.]
[both screaming.]
[pig squealing.]
Wait! Be careful! [music.]
[gasps.]
Texas Wieners! Look! I'm making wiener angels! [all laughing.]
Uh, guys.
Guys.
Guys! [laughter fades.]
- My arm is gone! - Well, here.
Use a wiener.
Boop.
It's not the same.
[laughter.]
[music.]
[all coughing.]
[dramatic music.]
Okay.
Sharp knife, check.
Stomach shovel, check.
Perfect face, check.
[chuckles.]
Later, handsome.
[dramatic music.]
Yeah, you know, I mean, I just think there should be - three E's in "cheese.
" - There are.
- Okay, you're insane.
- Ray! What are you doing to Schwoz? Surgery.
[music.]
- Whaaat? - Surgery? Why? What happened to Schwoz? Well, this might sound weird, but [yells through nose.]
Sounds weird, right? Why are you doing surgery on Schwoz? Oh, right.
See, earlier today, Schwoz was working on an experiment Experiment experiment Try it with me.
All: Experiment, experiment, experiment Experiment, experiment.
Okay, little kitten.
[meows.]
To cure your dyslexia, first I do this.
[electronic warbling.]
And this [purring.]
And finally, plutonium gas! [buzzer blares.]
[music.]
[whimpers.]
[demonic growling.]
[growling.]
Ahh! [muffled shouts.]
[meow, gulp.]
[yowling, slapping.]
[slurping.]
But why was he spanking himself? No one knows.
And were you just using Schwoz's mouth as a cup holder? Yes, I was, and I still am.
[music.]
- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait.
So right now there's a little monster inside Schwoz's stomach? Yep, and if we don't get it out soon, it's gonna eat its way out.
[screeching, growling.]
See? Look at that there.
[demonic growling.]
- Ugh.
- Aw, nasty.
Too nasty.
So time for surgery on Schwoz.
Shouldn't we take him to a hospital? No way! Hospitals don't have the special surgery tools that you need to remove micro-creatures from stomachs.
Special tools? This is a cheese knife, this is an ice cream scoop, and this is a melon baller.
None of which are found in most hospitals.
I don't think you know a dang thing about using tools.
Oh, yeah? Well, who do you think mounted that multi-inch TV on the wall over there? [crack, shatter.]
[gasps.]
Um, not me.
J Jasper? Oh, hey, Henry.
[laughs.]
I talked! Now you gotta pay me for the whole episode.
[chuckles.]
- We're not paying him.
- Okay.
How are you gonna do surgery on Schwoz? Yeah, you don't know anything.
Uh, I don't need to know, because years ago, Schwoz uploaded a video to YooHoo Tube, and that video will show us exactly how to safely cut open his stomach and remove whatever's inside it.
And once again, I'm gonna suggest we take Schwoz to a hospital.
You know, every year, more people die in hospitals than die in libraries.
So? Exactly.
And now let's watch and listen to Schwoz's medical instructions.
[lively music.]
Hello, everyone! Uh, if you're watching this video, I assume that I have, once again, swallowed something that's alive and might eat me from the inside.
[laughs.]
Oh, gosh.
Am I a character or what? - Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, Schwoz.
How do we cut open your gut? To remove something from my tummy, first you must must must get get [all groan.]
- Oh, come on.
- Ah, geez.
Okay, what's wrong with our Wi-Fi? Yeah, why is it going so slow? Are you downloading anything? No, I haven't downloaded anything all day! Okay, Miss Questions? Wow! I can't believe I can download all these movies at the same time! "Mean Girls," "Beaches," "Lorenzo's Oil," "Sister Act 2," "Sister Act 3: The Sistering.
" [sighs.]
It's still loading.
Ooh! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes! Remember to never, ever do [beep.]
Ahh! That's it.
I'm just gonna have to figure out how to do the surgery myself.
So you're gonna wing it? - Wingin' it! - Okay.
Uhh [saw whirring.]
One more time.
What do you say we take Schwoz to a hospital? No! Swellview Hospital has terrible Wi-Fi.
Yeah, dude.
It was voted worst Wi-Fi ever.
Hey, I know where we should take Schwoz.
- Where? - Downtown Brown.
- The coffee place? - Oh, yeah.
They got the best Wi-Fi ever.
See? Hey, I think that barista still works there.
Okay.
Got your matcha.
Here you go.
- Climate change is real.
- You too.
You guys, I got you some coffee.
Yeah, just a minute! Gah! [demonic growling.]
- This is a great men's room.
- Who cares? Now, come on, let's chew our gummy, then cut open Schwoz's tummy.
[both chuckle.]
- With the rhymes.
- That's good.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
And now I'll open my door a little wider.
Dude! You just knocked Schwoz into the pee fountain.
[laughing.]
Yeah, well At least the pee fountain doesn't flush automatically.
That would be a doozy of a oh, there it goes.
[water trickling.]
Still holding coffee.
Ahh! [whistles.]
- Charlotte? - Where'd she go? I dunno.
She said she had coffee for us.
Huh.
Well, come on.
Let's go surgerize Schwoz.
[music.]
[groans.]
[indistinct chatter.]
All right.
Your attention! Your attention, please.
[chatter.]
Okay, I want everyone here to just ignore us! Just keep doin' what you're doin'.
[growling.]
Uh-oh.
- What? What's wrong? - [gasps.]
The creature's foot popped out! - [gasps.]
- Uh! There.
Now hurry up, and start the video that'll show us how to do the surgery.
I know what to do.
Hmm.
Now, where is the internet button? Oh! Give me that.
Ooh, here's the video.
Okay, watch.
Let's watch.
- [sighs.]
- Tired of living alone with a bunch of cats and no gluten? Aw, man, it's an ad.
Relax, I can skip it in nine more seconds.
Well, now you can perk up that gluten-free food with [gasps.]
Ooh.
Gluten Cream.
Okay, I can skip it now.
No, don't! I wanna see what happens.
[chewing loudly.]
[meows.]
- Ahh - [gasps.]
- Ooh, wow.
- Hey.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Gluten Cream: Turns your cats into men.
Thanks, Gluten Cream! - You see, that's nice.
- Yeah, good for her.
Hey, hey, hey, here comes the surgery video.
Ooh, ooh! Hello, everyone.
Uh, if you're watching this video, I assume that I have, once again, swallowed something that's alive and might eat me from the inside.
Come on, Schwoz, get to the point.
Before I get to the point, some shout-outs.
[clears throat.]
Shampoo! Unitard! Ravioli! Yeah, I don't think he understands how to do shout-outs.
Ah, just give me the thing.
What what you gonna do? I'm gonna skip ahead to where he explains how to do the surgery.
That's how you remove a creature from my tummy.
Aww, you dragged the thingy too far! I realize that.
Wait.
How do I go back? Ahh, you're so old.
Just give me it.
There.
Now let's just watch and do the surgery, okay? To begin the surgery Tired of living alone with a bunch of cats [both groaning.]
It's not fair to make us watch the same commercial again.
You can perk up that gluten-free food Yeah, yeah.
Gluten Cream.
It turns your cats into hot men.
We get it.
- Wait.
Hot? - Huh? The guy on the commercial never said the men were hot.
Just just click "Skip Ad," okay? Okay.
To begin the surgery Come on, Schwoz.
Tell us what to do.
Good, good.
Here we go.
Oh, and let's both listen with headphones so we can't hear anything else around us.
Smart.
First, you should wash your hands very [dramatic music.]
[demonic growling.]
[people screaming.]
My man bun! Ahh! My hipster identity! [growling.]
- No, no! - My goatee! - Ahh! Oh, I just got a blowout! I'm already bald! Please, no! Whoa! What is happening? Some insane little creature is eating everyone's hairs! Ah! I think it's some kind of bug! Does anyone have bug spray? No, but I have some Gluten Cream! Hey, toss me that Gluten Cream.
[music.]
- Where'd the creature go? - Towards the men's room! [music.]
[growling.]
Charlotte! Hey, you get away from my friend.
[growls, roars.]
I don't care if you growl.
Now have some Gluten Cream.
[music.]
[screeches.]
[twinkling music.]
Whoa.
It really works as advertised.
[groans.]
Whoa.
What what happened? Well, hello.
[meows.]
I mean, uh [clears throat.]
Me-ow.
Well, "meow" back at you.
Wait, Char.
Charlotte.
That guy was just he was inside Schwoz's Ah, who am I to judge weird love? [disgruntled chatter.]
[grunting.]
I still don't feel the creature.
Ooh, ooh, maybe this is A ruby slipper? Ooh, yay! You found it! [music.]
[snores.]
[giggles, snores.]
[both gasping.]