The Artful Dodger (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

(DESERT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SNIFFS)
Oh, Nurse Baggett, what did
you clean the morgue with?
Carbolic acid, like you asked.
Or is there a problem, ma'am?
No. Quite the opposite.
No. Where is it?
FAGIN: (EXHALES) I haven't
slept a fox's wink, Dodge.
- It's not unusual for a man at your age.
- I'm not that bloody old.
Yeah. Any older and you'll be eroding.
I've been racking me noggin as
to who nobbled the soldiers' pay.
It couldn't've been the guards.
They was purging their livers.
Couldn't have been Darius or
Gaines' missus, they was scrumping.
It's been driving me nuts.
There was no one there but us.
- No, there was one other.
- Who?
Wearing the red boots.
One other wearing the red
boots? Who're you gabbling about?
Behind the curtain.
Why didn't I see that?
Because you are decrepit, Fagin.
See? This is the way it used to
be. The way it should always be.
Your eyes, my brain.
Together, we're unstoppable.
No. You need to find
your own room, Fagin.
It was here.
Five-hundred gold sovereigns
going missing on your watch
is a bloody good reason to be shouting!
Why the hell weren't you there, Gaines?
You sent me on assignment, sir.
The guards, they've all been
Searched and interrogated. Yes,
sir. No culprit yet, but we will
Find them! Flog everyone
that was there. Stop the rot.
Can't have 500 belly
sovereigns go missing.
There'll be a riot if I
can't pay the soldiers.
Yes, I understand, sir. I
assure you, it's all in hand.
- With your leave.
- Go on.
Oh.
Uncle Dickie got a dukedom.
Cheer up. Maybe he'll
get malaria for you.
We live in hope.
Where's my Lancet?
- Your what?
- Medical journal. Where?
Fanny borrowed some books.
- What about my library?
- It's not like you read any of them!
- (GASPS) Guards!
- Shh. It's just me.
- I know. Guards!
- Have you been here all night?
You're not the only one
with interests, Belle.
Those are for you!
I waited three months for
this and you just ruined it!
Oh! Lucien, make them stop!
Stop? They're my orders.
The governor needs a
culprit to hang by tomorrow.
- Dodge.
- What?
This crumpet's a bit
burned. Just sayin'.
Don't. Because I'm not
interested in your bloody crumpet.
You just be thankful you've got one.
Just I'd be more grateful
- if it wasn't burned.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Need you downstairs, Jack. Charlie's
getting a rattle. He's not good.
Aye, I'm comin'.
I look forward to me
crumpet in the morning.
- It's one of the happy spots in me day.
- Mmm.
Is it?
So, when it's burned, it puts
a sort of a pall over things.
He shouldn't be dying.
Here comes Princess Witch Face.
Doctor, can I see you in the morgue?
The cloth was on his wound
and the infection's gone. Look.
There.
- The what?
- The cloth.
Had carbolic acid on it. Look, no rot.
Right, so
So, I've done some reading,
all night, actually,
and there was a chap called "Pasteur".
- Pasta?
- Pasteur.
Like, French pasta?
Discovered something called "germs".
Microbes. Causes fermentation in wine.
- Right. Except, we're not making wine.
- But then, Lister
- Who?
- Lister at Edinburgh Royal
connected microbes to infection.
So, if fermentation and infection
are caused by an organic property
rather than spontaneous
generation or miasma
Is there a translation of all of this?
We can cure infection
with carbolic acid.
This might save Charlie.
The acid we use to treat sewage?
Exactly. Look at the cloth line.
Hmm.
We need to cut him open
and see whether your cloth's
stopped the rot beneath the skin.
BELLE: Clearly.
- I've never cut a man before.
- You can't hurt him any further.
BELLE: This is how it all works.
Somewhere in there is how we think,
and feel and love.
And die?
(CHUCKLES) It's so
much more than plumbing.
REDCOAT: Probably around here somewhere.
PEGGY: Lucien!
Your men are ruining my
precious home. It hurts me!
Sometimes pain can be curative.
God asks us to pierce our souls
and to expose our sins to him
in a full and penitent confession.
My men are doing their
godly work in our house,
searching for any
whisper of criminality.
And so, I turn to you.
Who was here the night I was absent?
"Lying lips are an
abomination to the Lord."
Who was here, Peggy?
Darius came
to protect me.
He knew you were so very worried
about me being left alone.
Oh, thank God.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
- That was good of him.
- (NERVOUSLY) Mmm.
He is a true and faithful friend.
You!
The sheets.
GAINES: Name?
Frances Scrubbs.
Is that your real name?
Given to me.
Dawkins!
I've just remembered
that the young guard said
that Dr. Dawkins and his associate
were here to tend the men.
Really? Bramwell!
Lock down the hospital. We're going
to take the doctor's confession.
No rot.
Let's test it on Charlie.
No, wait. What these
What did you call them?
Microbes.
Right. How do we know they exist?
We postulate. Based on the
symptomatic presentation
Words. Use words.
We can't see them, but
we know they're there.
So, you want to kill invisible bugs
with an acid usually
used to treat raw sewage?
Yes.
And your only proof of this, so far,
is from some books and this corpse,
- which can't feel any pain.
- I've read all about this. Trust me.
No, except I don't!
But I might, given more
time and with further proof.
But I just had to teach a procedure
that a half-drunken teenage
apprentice could do blindfolded.
The boy is dying.
Yes. And the shock of an acid
burn might kill him even quicker.
Do you care about him at all?
I care very deeply.
Find a way of making carbolic
acid work without injuring him,
then you can use it on Charlie.
Until then, the answer
is very much "sod off."
How dare you speak to me like that?
I do apologise. Sod off, Milady.
And I speak to everyone like this.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
GAINES: I want Dawkins
red-handed, you hear?
Search every ward and
cranny for the pay.
It's too strong. It's still too strong.
Where is the coconut ice?
I think it's under the pig.
Could I borrow one of your arms?
Dodget! Dodger, something's afoot!
Gaines is coming.
- Shit!
- Calm.
If we run, we'll look as guilty
as a cat licking pork bags
and for once, we're innocent.
We don't got the money.
But I'm beginning to form
a view as to who does.
We have to get our stories straight.
Fagin.
Fagin!
Mr. Dawkins.
Dr. Dawkins.
A quiet word?
Trouble with the prostate?
(SIGHS)
Do sit down, Doctor.
When I served with
the Governor in Africa,
an infantryman mocked
me for being a clerk.
"Only a pen, never a sword."
But when I caught him
stealing the supplies,
I used this pen to
sign his death warrant.
A heartwarming anecdote.
I'm told you were in my
home when the pay was stolen.
Healing your men. For
which you owe me two quid.
Your servant, Mr. Fagin, was with
you, a convict, I seem to recall.
Most servants are convicts.
So, on the night the pay went
missing, you brought in a criminal
As my medical assistant.
- Oh, where did he train?
- I'm training him myself.
Ah. Keeping it in the family.
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
- Oi! I want a word with you.
REDCOAT: Down the hall, I see
I did hear a rumour, and please, I
don't know if it's correct or not.
Mr. Fagin is your uncle.
By marriage. Very distant.
And are you from a large
family? Many siblings?
Only child.
He was entrusted to
me by my late father.
And all of a sudden, he shows up here,
and so, I suppose I feel a certain
I feel obliged to keep
an eye out for him.
But he is quite mad. There's
no point in talking to him.
Oh, I'll be the judge of that.
(MOUTHING) Help me.
Hey!
REDCOAT: Come on.
Now, you were busy that
night, attending to my men.
Yeah, I know, worked off my
feet. It was vomit wall-to-wall.
So, how did you keep an eye on Fagin?
Talent.
Talent?
(FRANCES SOBBING)
Such a shame.
This terrible plague has
robbed so many of a good life.
(APUTI HUMMING)
Can I bury him now, Tim?
Yes.
(GRUNTS) This is a heavy one.
So, you used your access as a doctor
to bring a senile criminal with
no medical training past my guards,
while lacking the
ability to supervise him
at the same time the pay was stolen.
That right? That's for
the Governor's records.
And you were inexplicably absent,
leaving an insufficient guard
and no commissioned officer on the night
of a valuable shipment. Is that right?
Just for the hospital's reference.
Come, Doctor, we're
both here to save lives.
Are we?
Every criminal I snuff out for
the Governor is a life preserved.
That's why it's so important
I rule you out, Doctor.
Because you see, the Governor
has ordered a hanging,
and I execute the Governor's orders.
That's all for today.
Bramwell.
The uncle.
Norbert Fagin! A word, if I may?
I'd love to help, but
I'm serving my master.
You're the doctor's uncle.
Yes. My sister Marjorie's lad.
Matter of interest, your
other nieces and nephews,
how many siblings does Dawkins have?
- I lose track.
- Try and remember.
How about nine, yeah.
And what were their names?
You're pushing an old
man's memory there.
Algernon, Balthazar, Mortimer,
Horatio after The Great One,
Quinton, Thaddeus, Simeon,
Clarence, and who's the little one?
Yeah, Violet.
I'm so sorry. Too fast.
Just let me take those
down again for the records.
Algernon, Balthazar, Mortimer,
Horatio after The Great One,
Quinton, Thaddeus, Simeon, Clarence
Oh, yeah, lovely little Violet.
Thank you, Mr. Fagin. Your story
confirms everything I thought.
- What did you tell Gaines?
- It's all fine.
You don't have to tell me
how to deal with the lobsters.
What did you tell him?
Just that you've got nine siblings.
Algernon, Balthazar, Mortimer
I told him I was an only child.
- All right, he's onto us.
- Yes.
If we'd sat down and
organised our stories
I did try to do that,
but you pissed off.
Yes, with good reason.
I found the money.
Brilliant.
We'll put it back and
make all this disappear.
Put it back? I've heard
some guff in my time,
but that really puts the
pickle in the biscuit jar.
Where's the money, Fagin?
I had to hide it from the redcoats.
Where?
Near Tinkler.
Tinkler's dead.
Did you hide it in his coffin?
- Close to his coffin.
- Where did you hide it?
- I told ya. Near Tinkler.
- No. Where?
More specifically, in
Tinkler. Inside Tinkler.
- He could be in any one of these.
- Yep, the Prof was busy last week.
We need to find Aputi.
He'll know where he buried
him. Help us dig him up, too.
It's not right, Dodge.
What?
It's against me principles.
- And since when do you have principles?
- I do about this.
Life's hard. These people
have had their tribulations.
They've had the worst of
times, the best of times,
and now, they're at peace, so,
it's better not to disturb them.
They're not people anymore, are they?
- They're just worm-raddled meat.
- Don't say that, Dodge.
This is no time to get squeamish, Fagin.
Gaines, he's just a breath
away from scraggin' us.
What's this really all about?
I know I wasn't always a good dad.
No, you were never my dad.
You abandoned me, remember?
Traditionally, dads don't do that.
I did and I didn't.
I was 13 years old and
you left me in a cell!
I know and it rots me heart,
but I was trying to help ya.
It's a funny way of showing it.
I'm asking for your help now.
And I'm telling you this is
the one thing I will not do.
These are people.
They've got mums and dads
who try not to think about
what they look like now.
How would you know?
Because I lost a loved
one. I lost my Agnes.
She was the joy of me
life. Barely six years old.
Why didn't I know about her?
It was after you'd gone. I
find it very hard to, um
(SIGHS)
She was all limbs and wildness.
She'd play out in the alley
around the back of our old digs,
you remember the one?
And she'd leap out
from behind the washing
to try and scare me when I come home.
Worked, too.
She was me best, most favourite thing.
And the thought of
someone disturbing her
where I've buried her, then, no.
Life's brutal enough, Dodge.
All right.
I'll do it without you.
Just let me find Aputi.
(GROANS)
Would you like the vanilla
or the cinnamon burned
- (WINCES)
- (WOMEN LAUGHING)
I didn't know your sister was a dancer.
Why do you have to be so odd?
Why can't you just be normal?
Oh, I like that.
SMALES: It's quite good, isn't it?
(MOANS)
We should never have
fallen to temptation
- (GRUNTS)
- Shh, shh!
Mmm.
Lucien can see things
a thousand men miss,
but he misses things
an idiot would notice.
He would never suspect it of me.
That's because you
are his dearest friend.
And that's why it's so evil.
You leave Lucien to me.
But the doctor must have seen something,
and now, he's Lucien's main
suspect and I'm itching, are you
- Pray with me.
- Oh, yes.
Merciful Lord, our flesh is
corrupt and we are rank with evil.
And bless my dear, dear friend Lucien.
Find the sinners what stole from him
and wreak your furious
vengeance upon 'em.
- PEGGY: Amen.
- Amen.
Lucien. You surprised
us. I've been so worried.
Thank you, Darius. That's a comfort.
Is there anything I can do?
Peggy, love, go inside.
There are things to say to my friend
that are unsuited for your ears.
You seem troubled.
(SIGHS)
This colony is my fiery trial.
I'm striving to bring
order to a nest of thieves,
but the Governor's a child,
his wife's a harridan,
and the young surgeon Dawkins is
a vexation I can't seem to crush.
For me, too. He has a taste for cards.
You see, he racks up debts he can't pay.
Really? I think he might know
more than he's letting on.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
All right, son. Come.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Ladies and gentlemen, step on up.
That's it, come closer. Don't be shy.
Tonight at sundown,
the undisputed champion of Port
Victory will take on open challenges.
There is five pounds
winnings to knock him out.
He has never been bested.
Does anyone have the
courage? Does any man dare?
Yep, I'll do it. Over here. Me!
DARIUS: Bring me the doctor.
- There you are.
- Lady Belle. Please let me escort you.
Are we going to talk about
the enormous man pursuing you?
Er, no. Let's not.
Right. I've had a
breakthrough with the acid.
Clearly. Look, your dress is dissolving.
Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And you're hurt. Here, come on.
Sorry, is this all right?
I don't see how else you'd fix it.
(BLOWS)
BELLE: I know how to stop it burning.
You can test it on
Charlie when it's ready.
I trust you.
(SPRITZES)
(SNIFFS)
Belle!
Belle! What on earth have
you done with my perfume?
Let me see your neck.
It didn't burn. (SNIFFS) Perfect.
You can be as mean to me as you
like, but I will still love you,
just to spite you.
FAGIN: You're not thinking
straight, Dodge, what's your plan?
I'm just gonna walk in there.
Into the workplace of the man
who tried to cut your hands off?
Yeah, while he's distracted, I'm
gonna go and walk up to Aputi.
Aputi. The former harpooner,
known as the whale smasher,
who kills people for the man
who tried to cut your hand off.
The plan needs some work.
I once knew a one-legged clown
who thought he could earn a crust
by Morris-dancing across England.
And did he?
No, he was killed by a pack
of dogs on Clapham Common.
Even so, his plan was better than yours.
(GROANS)
Rancid.
- Thank you.
- Have a good night.
These oysters are buggers
to open, ain't they?
Stay out of my way,
Jack. This is my fight.
For shit's sake, Flashbang. You're
gonna get your face stoved in.
Nah, I'll tire him out, then
bang. Champion of Port Victory.
See? Flashbang will distract him.
I'll find out where Tinkler's buried.
Then we'll scarper. It'll be perfect.
Has everybody gone potty?
(CROWD CLAMOURING)
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
our new challenger is our
very own man of medicine,
Dr. Jack Dawkins.
CROWD: (CHEERING) Dr.
Jack! Dr. Jack! Dr. Jack!
No, I'm not I'm just here to watch.
Step on up, Doctor. You
don't need to be shy.
Nah. No way. I put my
name down first. I'm next.
Rules are rules. It's only fair.
Right.
Fine. You finish him
quick, and then the doctor.
He is a shipping clerk by day
and in a coffin by tonight.
(CROWD CHEERS)
Flashbang Rivera!
(CROWD BOOS)
Aputi. Aputi.
Aputi. Hey, Aputi.
Aputi, where'd you bury Tinkler?
(CROWD GASPS)
(CROWD CLAMOURING ANGRILY)
DARIUS: One,
- Two
- Oh, God. Is he all right?
three,
four.
I need to relieve pressure on his
brain. If he dies, we die, Fagin.
Take this. Take him to
theatre. I'll meet you there.
I'm lifting now, am I?
Leading bloody donkeys around?
Take your time, Jack!
And if you choose not to
fix him, that's fine by me!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- You scared me.
- Fancy a bit of brain surgery?
You're going to cut open a skull?
Wonderful. You've done it before?
No, but I know what happens.
Head, big drill and then Well,
generally, they die of infection.
Then why are you here?
Because I'm hoping to avoid him
generally dying of infection,
when we open up his skull
to let the pressure out.
So, show me this, um,
sewage acid of yours.
I need to find a way of using it
on a skull that's open to the sky.
- (SPRITZES)
- (GASPS)
- What the hell?
- Doesn't burn, does it?
No.
- But does it do anything?
- I don't know, but I think it might.
There you are. Where have you been?
Charlie.
Is he dead yet?
(BREATHING RAGGEDLY)
- You knocked me out!
- (FLASHBANG GASPS)
Okay, try to stay still.
Keep that head steady.
Aren't you in terrible pain?
- Maybe a bit of a headache.
- You're missing a piece of your skull.
Feeling a bit of air on it.
God sent you to me.
"Love your enemies. Do good to
them that hate you." Matthew 5:44.
You and me, we're square. You
need anything, you just ask.
Tinkler. Where is Tinkler buried?
South corner, third from the left.
Mortsafe.
Aputi never mentioned anything
about a bloody mortsafe.
You had just drilled a hole in his head.
Why would anyone put an iron
cage around their coffin?
To stop bastards like him from
violating the peace of the dead.
Flashbang, I'm gonna
need a small charge,
just enough to blow these
bars, but not too much.
Yeah.
A tiny squib.
Got it.
CHARLIE: Excuse me, nurse.
Can I get something to eat?
Thank God.
It worked!
Just a pie or something, Miss.
It's "Milady". And, yes, I'm
sure I can find you something.
Hurry up, Flashbang. The
whole world will be up soon.
Yeah. I'm just making sure it works.
Where do you think we go
afterwards? After we croak?
The way they describe it
don't sound very interesting.
Sitting around worshipping some
old bearded geezer for eternity.
I mean, where's the booze in
heaven? Where's the winkles?
I think you should be checking
the menu at the other place.
You know, I often wonder
where my Agnes is now.
She'll be in heaven.
You know, she used to lay her
little head on her daddy's lap
and I'd stroke her hair.
She had such beautiful long, red hair.
It's a shame you never
got a portrait done.
Oh, I did. Remember that
bloke off Baker's Lane?
He used to do those funny
little drawings for a penny.
He did one for me. I always
keep it around me neck.
Yep, it's ready.
It's a dog.
Agnes was a dog?
I've spent four hours digging a hole
you wouldn't touch because of a dog.
I never said she was human.
(CHARGE EXPLODES)
WOMAN: Strip and pay up.