The Baby (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 (DOOR SHUTS) Okay What the fuck is goin' on? It would be better if we could talk in private.
I want to help you.
- Help me do what? - Kill him.
Are you fuckin' jokin'? - You left him in a field.
- I didn't actually leave him.
Well, you wish you had.
Failure of nerves.
Completely understandable.
He'll bulldoze your life, destroy your relationships, and when he's got you completely to himself, he'll destroy you.
It's what he does.
You have to kill him.
(SOFTLY): I'm not I don't even know you.
Yeah? This is mad.
I'd like you to leave now.
Hm My memory stick.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Thank you.
For the next one.
Take care.
♪ Wait.
(EERIE MUSIC ENDS) What do I have to do? MRS.
EAVES: Get him to sleep.
NATASHA: Why? We need the element of surprise.
♪ (BABY BABBLING) ♪ (GIGGLING) SAM: Bobbi? Bobbi? Hi.
Can you take a look at this pocket for me, please? (GRUNTS, SIGHS) - It's just catchin'.
- Okay.
Yeah, we need a shred more volume in this.
Card's catchin' on the seam.
Uh, more volume will make it bulky, so I don't But the trick'll work smoother.
Yeah, but the look has to be super tight.
You know, that's my thing.
"Where could she possibly be hiding it?" All right, well, take it off, and I'll take a look later.
Take it off? You want me to take it off, do ya? Wanna play "find the magic bean"? Yes.
(GIGGLES) (GRUNTS) But first, I really want to practice.
Really? You promised.
- Oh, but, maybe, we wanted - You promised.
- All right.
- Yes, yes! When we first met, we were two very different people.
But then, we fell in love.
And became one.
Okay, you need to hold your hanky up a bit higher.
A bit higher.
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, okay.
And became one.
But then, we realized that there was a hole.
And we found that it was a baby-shaped hole.
And the only way to fix it was BOTH: With love! So, please give us a baby, and we promise to fill it with love.
- You are so cheesy.
- She's gonna love it.
Mm-hm.
One more.
(NATASHA SHUSHING) Go to sleep.
Shh, shh, shh.
- Go to sleep.
- MRS.
EAVES: Try singing to him.
(SINGING): When you walk in the bar ♪ Lookin' like a star ♪ Wearin' those fuck me pumps ♪ Go to sleep.
Go to sleep.
Ugh.
What is wrong with you? He knows.
Hang on.
(LINE RINGING) - MAGS (ON PHONE): Tash? - Mags! What's the name of that thing that you use to get Raffi to sleep? - MAGS: The BunBun? - The BunBun.
Yes! Where are you now? - MAGS: I'm out.
- Yeah, where? MAGS: Universe of Fun.
But, Tashi, it's invite only Let's go.
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ ANNOUNCER 1: Welcome to Universe of Fun, where the fun never stops.
Leave the grownups at the door.
ANNOUNCER 2: You're approaching Universe of Fun Passport Control.
Two, please.
Do you guys have your passports? What? Are you a distinguished citizen, honorable citizen, or just a regular citizen? We're not any kind of citizen.
Then that'll be 32 pounds.
(SCOFFS) ("BARK LOUD" BY NOGA EREZ PLAYING) Dark games, but I'm not signed in ♪ Patience better pay my shit ♪ Long knife, gonna chop some meat ♪ ♪ ♪ Mags? Tash, what are you doin' here? NATASHA: I need to borrow your BunBun.
- Who are these people? - It's my Bump and Baby group.
NATASHA: The BunBun? I won't let my BunBun out of my sight.
(CHUCKLES) - Ooh, so can I have the BunBun? - Retro pram.
Love it.
And who's this little monster then? (ALARM BLARING) - (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYS) - (CHILDREN CHEERING) Cake time.
Come on, Amy.
This way.
Mags! The BunBun.
(CHILDREN SCREAMING) Hey there, party girl ♪ Hey there, party girl ♪ Hey there, party girl ♪ Where's your fucking BunBun? - What are you doin'? - Ah! Nothin'.
Look you can try it here, okay? But you cannot take it out of this room.
And if he likes it, you can buy one online.
Thank you.
(THUMPING) Oi! (SOFTLY): If you keep doin' that, this baby will kill you.
BUNBUN: Time to sleep.
Close your eyes.
I feel sleepy.
Do you? (BABY GIGGLING) Prosecco? Where's Dad today? Or Mom.
God! Sorry.
- Is your partner working? - I don't have a partner.
Wow.
That's fucking phenomenal.
Mind you, I do think it's important for young boys to have a strong male role model.
You know, that's why it's so amazing you've got Jamie.
He's such a great guy.
And so bloody gorgeous.
Amy! Do you have any secret weapons to help get baby to sleep? Mama's struggling.
AMY: Have you started hallucinating yet? Sorry? I, I was putting Lily to sleep the other night and she wouldn't stop crying.
Then Fred and Angus start screaming bloody murder.
Ben sleeps through the whole thing because, of course, he's exhausted from work.
And I, I had this vision of just swinging Lily's head against the wall.
Put her back down in the cot, locked myself in the bathroom for an hour till the screaming stopped.
(CHUCKLES) Well, no one really gets it, do they? Not unless they're in it.
In the house all day, and no one to talk to.
- Scream, nap, eat, shit, repeat.
- (CHUCKLING) - It's a lot.
- (KNOCKS ON WINDOW) Still this place is great.
NATASHA: Fucking yes.
- (ALARM BLARING) - Ooh! ANNOUNCER: It's the lollypop song! - (DISCO BEAT PLAYING) - (CHEERING) Who can do the lollypop ♪ Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop ♪ (SLOW MOTION): Mommy, do the lollypop ♪ NATASHA: No, no, no, no, no! - (BALLOON POPS) - Hey! I told you not to touch the baby! (BABY CRYING) Jesus Christ, Natasha! The BunBun! It's, it's broken! He's broken the BunBun! - BUNBUN: I feel sleepy - Christ! Your baby's upsetting all the other children.
I think you should leave.
- (BABY CRYING) - (WOMEN CHATTERING) Ugh, you've got to put it in recline to take the brakes off! Ugh, how does this thing recline? No wonder he doesn't sleep.
You can't just stick him in anything, you know? (STROLLER CREAKS) - Ah! - (CHILDREN SCREAMING) Where's her finger?! Has anyone seen her finger?! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) ♪ NATASHA: Oh, look at you, yeah? Like butter wouldn't melt.
Mags! Hey.
Gimme the Gimme the BunBun.
I'll fix it.
Why are you so pissed at me? I'm sorry about your friend's finger.
You don't get it, do you? You just bulldoze your way through every situation.
Like, you turn up uninvited.
You were rude.
You e-embarrass me What, in front of your Bump and Baby group? Oh, you think you're so much better than them? - Yeah.
- Well, they can tell.
- Good.
- Do you know what, Natasha? All I want is a best mate who doesn't judge me for being a mum.
'Cause you know what? I already feel like I'm fighting that all the time.
(PHONE DINGS) It's Bobbi.
Shit.
She says she needs me.
What should I do? You haven't seen her in, like, three years.
You should go, Natasha.
Okay, yeah All right.
I'm gonna go.
I'll call you later, yeah? - Love you! - (SIGHS) Okay, something's happened.
We're makin' a detour.
Don't do anything fucked up.
You leave Bobbi alone.
And act normal.
(ENGINE STARTS) Macadamia nut? Do ya have a favorite nut? - Um I like pistachio.
- Pistachios are great.
I like walnuts 'cause they look like tiny brains.
Obviously, if we get a child, we won't have nuts.
W-We'd be very, very mindful of allergies.
Will Sam be long? She's not normally late.
She's super excited.
We, We both are Yeah.
I'm never late.
I-In fact, I'm normally early, yeah.
But I wait outside 'til it's time.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Yay! What are you doing here? You texted me? No, I, I didn't.
I just got a text, Bob.
You said you needed me.
Ugh, shoot.
I must've texted you by mistake.
I, I was tryin' to text Sam Sorry.
So, no emergency then? - Uh, no.
- Okay.
Well, nice to see you Bye.
You had a baby.
- But you don't, you don't want a baby.
- Yeah, it's complicated.
Hello.
I'm Patricia.
- I'm Bobbi's Social Worker.
- Social worker? She's the nice kind, Tash.
She's lovely She's helping us adopt.
- Sorry, you are? - Her sister.
You said your sister lived abroad.
Uh, uh, that was, um We, literally, never see her.
Yeah, I just I thought it would really m-make better sense, you know, because we, we never see her.
Well, we need to speak to all family members, Bobbi.
We talked about that.
Why is it any of your business where I live? Sorry.
Natasha can be a bit funny with authority.
We have to go.
I told you to wait in the fucking car.
We, literally, never see her.
Like, never, ever, ever.
Well, you're here now, and I'd love to ask you a few questions.
Now's not a good time.
It won't take long.
Please, Tash.
Please.
When was the last time you saw each other? Three years ago.
- Nut? - And what accounted for the break? Uh, it really wasn't a big deal, so.
She dropped out of uni after me and Dad busted our asses to get her there, went to go and live with our mother, and decided not to tell me about it.
Natasha and Mum don't speak, so I didn't think there was any point in mentioning it, and I didn't drop out.
I just realized I didn't want to study law.
And that she'd rather be a children's entertainer.
Nut? And your mother left the home when you were how old? I was 12, Bobbi was six.
What would you say accounted for her leaving? She's a selfish bitch.
Our mother wasn't thriving in, in the family unit.
Our, Our dad was amazing, though, and Tash helped out with some of the day-to-day stuff.
Yeah, nothin' too heavy: cleaning, cooking, bedtimes, homework, parents' evening.
You know, just day-to-day stuff.
We met one or two social workers then, too.
Didn't we, Bob? Would you say your contempt of authority figures is related to your mother leaving? You're hardly an authority figure, love.
When Sam and I first met, we were, uh two very different people.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, sorry, uh We realized that there was a hole Sweaty hands.
And we saw that it was a, a baby-shaped hole.
- We want to fill that hole with love.
- Oh.
Uh, yeah, okay, uh, perhaps we should reschedule for another day when we've had a a chance to regroup.
BOBBI: No, no.
S-Sam will be here in a minute.
Oh what's this? - (GASPS) Fuck! - Ah! Um! - (BABY GIGGLING) - Uh.
Uh, uh, um.
Uh.
Oh! It's the, It's the finger trick - Bobbi.
- Uh.
Show her the finger trick.
Yeah, i-it's just, uh, gelatin.
Uh, silly me.
Must've left it out.
Um.
All five fingers, yeah? (GRUNTS) Now there are four.
Whoop! And now there are five.
(LAUGHS) Gets 'em every time! (BOBBI/NATASHA LAUGHING) Okay, well should probably be makin' a move.
Gimme the baby, Bob.
- Hi.
- Bobbi, give me the baby.
Bobbi give me the baby.
MRS.
EAVES: Natasha look.
No way Is he asleep? - Yeah.
- How'd you do that? It's, uh, it's the Mesmer technique.
Saw it on Mumsnet.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
("I GOT IT BAD" BY NINA SIMONE PLAYING) Shh.
- Fuck is that? - Okay.
Shh.
(ENGINE STARTS) My baby never treats ♪ Me ♪ Sweet and gentle ♪ The way he should ♪ It'll be quick.
And that ain't good ♪ No, that ain't good ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Do it now.
You want all this to stop? NATASHA: Yes.
Good.
♪ I can't.
It's a fuckin' baby.
No! (GRUNTING) (KNOCKS AT DOOR) BOBBI: Natasha? Natasha, open the door.
I can hear you in there.
Not now, Bobbi! I'm busy! BOBBI: Please open the door, Natasha.
I'm not going anywhere until you open the door.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I brought this.
Wasn't sure if you wanted it back.
Thanks.
Where's the baby? He's asleep.
He's asleep.
Ah, he's spectacular.
What's going on? Yoga.
She's my yoga instructor.
She charges by the hour, so we should probably get I don't hear from you for three years.
You call me in the middle of the night, then you turn up at my house with your baby acting like that's not a massive deal Look, Bobbi, it's complicated I can help you look after him.
Okay, yeah, sure.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the adoption.
It didn't even occur to me that it's, it's something that you'd want to know about, which is, is stupid 'cause, of course, - you'd wanna know.
- Don't worry about it.
Your baby and our baby are gonna be cousins.
And I know, I know you're not wild about Sam, but she's been amazing.
- And we're in a really great place - Don't worry about it.
You love her.
I think she's shit, but I don't have to fuck her, so we're all good.
I have to do my yoga now, okay? So, I'll call you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTING) (YELLING) Lydia jumped off a cliff Yolanda choked on a cookie.
Ines fell onto a railing, Raquel was decapitated by a garage door Alia was speared through the nose by a drinking straw.
You are not special, Natasha You are going to die.
- Do you want to die? - No.
Can I kill it then? ♪ ♪