The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

- Hold.
Hold.
- Okay, moving into Warrior.
- Yeah, feel that stretch.
Remember to breathe.
- And squats.
- That's it.
That's good for the lower back.
- Ahh.
- Dig down deep, Brendar.
I want a really good burn.
- Your father
was a butterknife.
- Oh, good one.
Now throw me!
-
- It's choppin' time.
- What was that?
- Pthew!
I said great throw, Brendar.
You put a little extra
on that one.
- In my mind, I was hurling it
into the demon Alvin's guts.
- Ooh, such a bad barbarian.
- Where's Evan
and everyone else?
We were supposed to leave
for Gnarlia's castle by now.
-
- Classic.
- Oh, sorry we're late,
Brendar. My fault.
- He grabbed the wrong
wizard stick.
- We got halfway here
before I realized
I had the outhouse mop.
- That's okay.
What matters is that
you're here now.
I've prepared a little
pre-quest speech
to kick things off.
- Wow.
- This quest will not be easy.
- Mm.
- It will challenge us all,
mind, body, and soul.
But if we work hard
and stick to the schedule,
I promise it will be
deeply rewarding
and, dare I say it,
fun.
So who's with me?
- Hmm?
- What?
- Oh, yeah. We are.
- We're here, 100%. Yep.
- I was paying attention.
- Great.
Remember,
questing is our solemn duty.
-
You said "duty."
- All my duties are solemn.
- A troll burned
his bridge ♪
A warrior lost her crown ♪
I'm not being poetic ♪
That's literally
what went down ♪
Together their journey
has begun ♪
Combining might and melody ♪
To quest and smite a demon ♪
And find their true family ♪
Yeah ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
♪
- Why do you have a bag?
- They're snacks.
- Did you bring enough
for everyone?
- Sure.
Do you like field mice?
- Leave the bag.
- She flew away.
Ha-ha! Free again!
- All right,
we're exactly six minutes late.
But that's fine.
We can make it up.
We just have to reach the
River of Fire before sundown,
or we miss
the last ferry across,
and if we miss that,
then we have to trek
over the Malarkey Mountains
and through the Chasm of Death,
and I think we'd all like
to avoid that.
Am I right?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, let's get questing!
- All right.
- Whoo!
♪
- Hey, can we pull over?
I need to use
the little wizards' room.
- Yeah,
I gotta stretch my legs.
- And I'm feeling peckish.
- Guys,
we have barely gone ten steps.
Remember, sundown,
River of Fire,
Chasm of Death?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Right, yeah.
- You need to pick up the pace.
Don't make me
turn this quest around.
- Hmm.
How about we sing a song
to help keep us motivated?
We are questing,
never resting ♪
We are questing,
we're best friends ♪
Give me a Q ♪
- A social cue?
- Uh
Give me a U ♪
- You should stop.
- Give me an E ♪
- Enough.
- Oh, okay, fine.
I can take a hint.
We are questing,
we're best friends ♪
- Hey, you almost
spelled "quest" there.
♪
- Oof.
Where is Horus?
I need his help
tracking down
that horrible Brendar.
- Hey, General Skelly.
And I mean that literally.
"Hay."
- Oh, because he's stuffed
with hay.
- How'd you get past
the castle guards
looking like that?
- Never mind that.
How'd he get past
the horses?
- Horses eat hay.
- I did not get my head
kicked down a hill,
carried by bats,
and dropped on a scarecrow
just to listen to you
chuckleheads mock me.
- Would you say
that's the final straw?
Silence!
I will not be made a fool!
Oh, that's bad.
Oh!
Oh, that's worse. Aah!
Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Hot, hot, hot, hot.
Oh, now it's all over.
Oh, that's hot.
Ow, ow, ow.
Oh, hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot.
♪
- What's with the book?
- Oh, that's my
"Lonely Kingdom Guide Book."
I've had it ever since
I was a little troll.
- You used to be smaller?
- Yup.
I've never been out
from under my bridge,
so since we're questing anyway,
I really want to visit
some of Gothmoria's
greatest attractions.
- Like what?
- Uh, just the pages
that are dog-eared.
- They're all dog-eared.
- Yeah.
- Except for that one.
What's with that?
- Oh, that's Bakersfieldia.
Even I don't want to go there.
But look,
the Unicorn Petting Zoo,
the Rat King's Cheeseatorium,
and Gothmoria's
Ugliest Elf Baby.
- I don't want to be
the buzzkill of Gothmoria,
but this is a quest,
not a tour group.
We need to stay focused
on the task at hand,
which is getting
to Gnarlia's castle.
- Can't we at least stop
at the World's Tallest Goblet?
- Sorry, no side trips.
- Aww, but the goblet's
on the way.
And I've always wanted to get
my picture sketched there.
- There's no time for goblets.
Before we even get
to the River of Fire,
we have to pass through
the Gray Swamp of Fear.
And I'm worried
that none of you
are prepared
for what's in store.
- The Gray Swamp of Fear,
that sounds kind of scary.
- It is,
though I have no fear,
so I'll be fine.
- Wow, you're not afraid
of anything?
- Nope.
- Not even spiders?
- Or thunder?
- Or the color yellow?
that this conversation
will never end.
- Yeah, it probably won't.
- I hope it doesn't.
♪
- Well, here it is, guys,
the Gray Swamp of Fear.
- I still don't understand why
we can't see the giant goblet.
- We don't have the time.
- It's really creepy here,
so I think I'm gonna fly
over the swamp
and meet you guys
on the other side.
- Welcome.
Oh, great.
We got a bunch of screamers.
Oh, here we go.
Step right up and meet
your worst nightmares
in Gothmoria's own
Gray Swamp of Fear.
- I think I'll be fine.
- That's what they all say.
Next thing you know,
I'm hosing down a boat.
- Ew.
- I'm not gonna get wet,
am I?
- Yeah, but for $14.95,
you can purchase
your very own Poncho of Fear.
One size fitsmost.
- Ah, I won't have
to sleep naked no more.
- I don't need to know that
about you.
- Is this ride safe for people
with back problems?
I have this sciatica thing.
- It's not safe for anyone.
All your questions and more
will be answered
inside the Gray Swamp of Fear.
Step on up.
♪
- Any chance I could go
as a single rider?
- All parties
must ride together.
Keep your hands and wings
inside the boat
at all times
with your seat belt fastened.
If your face does actually melt
from fear,
please remain seated,
and do not panic.
- What did you say
about face melting?
- My seat belt won't click.
My--my seat belt's
not clicking.
It's not clicking.
I can't get it to--
Oh, there it goes. I got it.
♪
- Really?
- I groom when I'm nervous.
- Hoo-hoo.
Hoo-hoo.
Who else is really scared
right now?
- Guys.
Guys, did my face melt off?
I can't see anything right now.
- Evan, your eyes are closed.
- Huh?
Oh, whew,
well, that's a relief.
I'm rather fond of my face.
- Remember, the swamp feeds
on your negative thoughts.
-
- Clear your minds,
and your fears
cannot destroy you.
- La-la-la-la-la ♪
- But I can.
Horus,
stop singing and combing.
Horus?
Stacey?
Evan?
Axe?
- You forgot Brendar.
- No, I didn't.
I'm right here.
Finally,
someone I can relate to.
I need my old body back.
- That's gonna be
pretty difficutlt.
I think I saw a pack of wild
dogs gnawing on your femur.
- Femur?
That's pretty "humerus."
- Enough,
you cackling cartilages.
I am your general,
and I demand you surrender
your bones to me.
You, give me your arms.
You, give me some ribs.
- Oh.
- Not barbecue ribs, Shawn,
your ribs.
- Oh.
- Well, look, they're here now,
so bring them over,
and give me a bib.
- Bib.
- Well, put it on.
- Bib.
- Eh, not my face,
where my neck used to be.
Oh.
- Bib. Rib?
- Lower. Lower. Ow.
- Rib? Bib.
- Ow, that's in my eye.
- Rib? Bib.
- What the--
- Bib, rib.
- What is wrong with you?
- Who are you?
- I'm you, Brendar.
I'm your fears.
- Impossible.
I have no fears.
- Oh, okay, well,
then I'll just--boo!
Worth a shot.
- Get off my boat,
or I'll throw you off.
- Oh, I can't.
I'm in your mind.
I'm your fears,
your worries, your truths,
and now I have you
just where I want you, alone.
- Alone is how I work best.
I don't need anyone.
- Oh, well,
you just tell yourself that
because nobody wants you.
The Royal Order kicked you out.
And pretty soon,
your quest friends will realize
you're nothing.
And then you'll be alone
forever.
- I am Brendar the Barbarian.
I have no fears.
I am feared.
- But maybe less revered
than you thought.
- Dad?
Guys?
Where'd everybody go?
♪
- Hey, Stacey.
-
- Seeing you as an owl
is a real hoot.
- A little on the beak
with that one, no?
- Now that you're an owl,
are you still afraid of--
- Being picked last
for gym class?
Not really.
Doesn't come up much anymore.
- Well, what about spiders?
- How's it going?
-
- I'll be your special fear
for this evening.
I feature lots of hairy legs,
a weird soft center,
and then maybe later,
I'll crawl in your ear
and lay a bunch of eggs!
- Get away from me.
- Well, everybody talks about
how tall the goblet is,
but nobody mentions
how wide it is.
It's so incr--
Oh, hi.
You're not Stacey.
- No, I'm you, dummy.
- Oh.
- And I'm here to tell ya
you stink at questing.
- Oh, I know.
But I'm getting better.
- Uh,
and you're not very talented.
- I know.
But I'm trying,
and that's all that matters.
This is gonna be harder
than I thought.
- Ah, hello there, handsome.
- Hello.
- Are you my ghost?
- Uh, what? No.
If I were your ghost,
we'd both be dead.
- Bummer.
I always wanted to see a ghost.
- I am here to serve up
your deepest fears.
- Really?
I don't frighten very easily.
- Oh, really?
Poof!
You're bald.
-
No!
Oh, my luscious locks.
-
- Oh, I look like an old baby.
Waaahhh!
Oh, wait a minute.
I can use my beard
as a comb-over.
- Why not use snakes instead?
- Aah! This is a nightmare!
-
That's the general idea.
- Surrounded by a lot
of water, aren't we?
- This boat's not gonna sink,
is it?
- No, but I do see
some rapids up ahead.
You might want to hold on.
- Hold on? With what?
I don't have any arms.
- Not the sharpest blade
in the boat, are we?
- Stop laughing.
Okay, I'm gonna chop you.
- Come on.
- Here it comes.
- Let's do it.
- Don't tease me.
- Let's dance.
- I'm not kidding.
- Hit me.
- Okay, here it comes.
I'm chopping.
Chopper time!
Oh, oh. I'm not buoyant.
I'm not buoyant!
-
- You don't let people in
'cause you're afraid to trust.
- I'm not afraid,
and I don't need anyone.
- What if you never get better
at anything?
- Yeah, well, then at least
I won't get any worse.
- I'm telling you
you're a giant failure.
Why aren't you afraid of that?
- Maybe it's because
I'm normally such a big ball
of fears and insecurities
that the swamp
has no power over me.
-
Well, that's kind of sad.
- Well, yeah, but you know
what always cheers me up?
- Mm?
- Singing a song.
Here, boy.
And a-one and a-two and a
Fear Evan, my dear Evan ♪
Don't feel sad or blue ♪
You told me
I'm a worthless hack ♪
It's honest more than rude ♪
- Yes, I'm a chilly
grouchy pants ♪
You're a cozy flame ♪
It's weird
how polar opposites ♪
Could sound so much
the same ♪
- Some call it disaster
but maybe you're the master ♪
Of losing at the game ♪
- Butterflies in the tummy,
brain feels kind of gummy ♪
Joy and fear
can feel the same ♪
- They say there's nothing
to fear but fear itself ♪
And yet you seem
pretty okay ♪
Sometimes you're a fighter ♪
- Sometimes there's spiders ♪
Joy and fear
can feel the same ♪
- They do say artists
need some darkness ♪
To make anything
worth a hoot ♪
- Maybe you're the part
of me ♪
That made me give my bridge
the boot ♪
Feels like we're growing up.
- I feel like throwing up.
Joy and fear can feel ♪
The same ♪
- You say you don't need
anyone,
but who are all your slogans
and songs and speeches for?
- I like to pep myself up.
- Admit it.
You want someone to share
your victories with.
- I can eat a victory cake
all by myself.
- You will fail if you refuse
to see the truth, Brendar.
You need people.
You can't shut everyone out.
♪
- Well, that was intense.
- I know this doesn't have
anything to do with anything,
but when this quest is over,
I'm taking swimming lessons.
- You know, my fear self
was really super.
We wrote a great song together.
- Lucky you.
'Cause things got
a little hairy on my boat.
- Hmm?
So, Brendar,
what did your fear self say?
- Yeah, what'd you see?
- Nothing.
- You look like you've seen
a ghost.
Wait. Did you?
'Cause that would be nifty.
- Yeah, come on, Brendar.
You can tell us.
- Yeah, tell us, Brendar.
I told you mine.
You can tell me yours.
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah, come on.
- I saw nothing.
I have no fears.
I'm a barbarian,
and I don't need anything
from anyone.
- Oh, come on. You need us.
You can't have a quest
without a quest crew.
- Yeah, here we are.
- Yeah.
- Actually, I can.
And from now on,
I'm questing alone.
It's 40 minutes until sundown.
I'm making it
to the River of Fire.
So you guys have fun
traipsing through
the Chasm of Death without me.
- You guys would still like me
if I was bald, right?
- I can't believe Brendar
left us like that.
- I know.
She seems super upset.
- Yeah, and with her
unusually long strides,
she'll be way ahead of us
by now.
We'll never make it
to that river by sundown.
- But you know what we can
make it to?
The kingdom's tallest goblet.
How would you like
to get that sketch?
- Oh, wow, I guess that is
a silver lining
in an otherwise devastating
blow to our friendship circle.
- That's the attitude.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Ooh.
- No, no, no, no.
This is all wrong.
What are you doing?
I have no ribs.
I need ribs and a spine.
You--you know what a spine
looks like.
You all have one.
Just--Shawn, turn around.
Linda, look at him.
Well--well,
this is worse than before.
What are you doing?
That's not ribs.
Have you never seen
a medical text?
Just look at each other.
It's ribs attached to a spine.
Well, now I just look like
a question mark.
I don't--I--
this is wrong also.
You've--you've got too many
spines now.
Oh, you boneheads are fools.
- Look at this.
I'm making great time
now that there's no one here
to slow me down.
This is how a quest should be.
- Okay,
but to play demon's advocate,
do you really think you needed
to run out like that?
- They're missing the point
of the quest, not me.
It's about focusing,
keeping a schedule.
It is about the joyless pursuit
of the thing you want.
It's not about tourist
attractions or sightseeing.
We're under attack!
- Stand back.
- No, you're not.
- Mumsy. Mum.
Mum? Mum.
- Oh, wow, the goblet.
- That is impressive.
- Mum, thanks for taking us
to the big cup.
♪
- Hi there, pretty lady.
You and your family want a
sketch in front of the goblet?
- I'm not with my family.
- Oh, you're waiting
for your friends, then?
What a wonderful keepsake
this would make.
- I'm alone.
- What a very sad keepsake
this would make.
- You, surrender your leg,
the good one, not the one
with the knee that clicks.
- But that's my only good leg.
- Silence!
- Ahh.
Ha-ha. Ahh.
- It's alive!
- Mm-mm.
- Oh. It's undead!
- Yeah!
Now I can finish my quest
and take down Brendar.
Prepare to meet your maker,
barbarian!
All right, who gave me a foot
for a hand?
Oh, very funny.
You guys do terrible work.
Hey, my arm fell out.
Where's my bib?
♪
- Look, guys, we're here,
the goblet!
Wow, it's even more goblet-ier
than I thought.
- Hey, look at you.
It's the three amigos.
You guys want a sketch
in front of the goblet, right?
- Heh--wh--eh--um
- What's the matter?
This is just what you wanted.
- It's literally the only thing
you've talked about.
- Oh, I know, but it's just
now that we're here,
it's not the same
without Brendar.
- Evan.
- Huh?
Brendar?
'Sup?
- Wow.
- Well, there she is.
- Brendar, you actually waited
for us?
- Well, not initially.
I left.
But then I was overcome
with this pang in my stomach.
- Same here.
Boats make my tum-tum wobbly.
- Ugh.
- Anyway, I planned on questing
all the way
to Gnarlia's castle alone,
but then it occurred to me
that maybe questing
is best shared with company.
- You mean with friends?
- Sure.
- You mean quest friends?
Wink-wink.
- Don't make me regret
waiting for you.
- Friends it is.
- Well, wait a minute.
What about the River of Fire?
We have to get there
by sundown.
- Well, I thought we could
camp here tonight
and then we could
cross the river
first thing in the morning.
-
Camping at the goblet?
Oh, this is the best day ever.
- So camping it is.
- And if you guys
can just focus
a little bit more
on the quest,
then maybe I can focus
on having a little bit more fun
along the way.
- Ooh, does that mean
we can go shopping
at the
Farmer's Daughter's Market
or check out
the Jousting Jubilee or maybe--
- I said a little bit more fun,
Evan.
- Mm-hmm.
- So we're gonna get
the sketch, right?
- Yeah, I bought us
the premium sketch package
that comes with a commemorative
goblet cozy.
- Wow, thanks, Brendar.
- All right, guys,
bunch up together.
Lots of big smiles.
- Let's--
- Oh, there she is.
- Let's pose.
- Oh, you guys look great.
Oh, oh, mm-hmm.
Mm, so cute, guys, so cute.
- Yeah, uh--
uh, hey, Axe, would you