The Bisexual (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

We've talked about getting married.
Will you marry me? I've never lived with a woman before, except my sister.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try it on.
You don't shit where you eat.
Also I'm gay.
She's not my girlfriend.
I was actually trying to break it off.
But, you know, it got confusing.
- She rejected you.
- She hasn't rejected me.
She just asked me to be her advisor.
- Is that your ex? - Are you a couple? This is really awkward.
Sometimes I think if a guy had swept me off my feet the way that girl did, I'd have been straight.
SHE MOANS FARTS That was my vagina, not a fart.
OK.
SHE MOANS I wanna make you come.
I'm good.
Thanks.
HE GROANS HE FARTS THEY LAUGH I'm gonna be really late for work.
So phone in sick.
- I'm trying to get to the water.
- HE LAUGHS SHE LAUGHS INDISTINCT TALKING AND LAUGHTER I disagree, I think it's a great time to be sick.
We're not pitching this week.
But no, no, you're right, next time I will sync my explosive diarrhoea to your iCal.
SADIE: "OK, just don't watch Bake Off and masturbate all day.
" You know I can't make that promise.
- Feel better, Leila.
- You too, Sadie.
Erm, wrong answer.
Bye.
SHE SIGHS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Can I steal you for a minute? Sure, if there's a space in my diary.
I'll just check with Ermine.
Actually, I think she's popped out.
She seems to make you very happy.
We're not seeing each other any more.
Oh no.
What is it, Ruby? - So my blog.
- Yes.
It's about power women.
And getting a glimpse into their inner world in a way that we wouldn't usually have access to.
- Sounds very interesting.
- Yeah.
I need your advice on how to track down Malala Yousafzai.
I saw her speak at a book signing a few years ago.
And her scarf was the most beautiful textile I've ever seen.
It made such an impact in that room.
And I just wanna talk to her about her scarves and the significance of the scarf as a means of self-expression in the Muslim world.
You wanna track down Malala Yousafzai and use her time to talk about her scarves? Everyone wants to talk to her about the Taliban.
And education.
Of course they do because who gives a shit about her scarves! I'm I'm sorry, I I was joking.
Oh! SHE LAUGHS That is so funny! It's really - Stupid idea.
- No, it isn't.
You are asking the unasked questions.
Come and tell me more.
Don't do my dishes, I'll get to it later.
No, I need my mug.
- There are other mugs.
- None of the other mugs are thin.
I don't like drinking out of a fat lip.
It's tall but narrow which keeps the tea at the right temperature.
Now I know.
Oh, come on! You're wearing a fucking top.
- Whose top? - You're a dick.
- Say it.
- No.
OK, then we'll never talk about it.
Are you straight for Jon-Criss? No, seeing a guy doesn't make me straight.
All right.
Jesus.
Don't need to be so fucking touchy about it.
I'm touchy? It makes you uncomfortable that I'm hanging out with your friend or you would have said something.
I'm waiting for you to come out with it in your own time.
- So you're not upset? - No! Not at all.
Cool.
So I thought sex with a man would be a complete departure from sex as I knew it but it's actually very similar.
Sex is sex.
There are differences though.
Like his BO.
He's got good BO.
It reminds of my dad's only it's sexy.
- I'm sorry, am I making you uncomfortable? - No.
No, it's fine.
No, but he's your friend and it's inappropriate to talk about it.
- Can I just say one thing then I promise to shut up? - Please.
Do you know what's really annoying? What? Semen.
With women there's no clean up but with guys you're like I gotta find a home for this shit.
This is maybe something you should be sharing with a female friend.
You're the only one who knows.
Like, do you think that maybe you're a bisexual? I don't like that word.
Why? When you hear bisexual you think like Tila Tequila.
You think Anne Heche.
- Who? - Exactly.
There's nobody.
There's no precedence.
When I hear bisexual I think lame slut.
It's tacky, it's gauche, it makes you seem disingenuous.
Like your genitals have no allegiance, you know? Like you have no criteria for people, just an open door policy.
It's not a nice thing to be, it's not a cool thing to be.
And it makes my fucking skin crawl.
All I'm asking is that you proceed with caution.
Reference to shit where you eat.
You use that term way too often and nobody likes it.
You use fuck every other sentence and it's not nearly as edgy as you think it is.
- You're jealous.
- No! How? I'm not attracted to you, or Jon-Criss.
Jealous cos you know Jon-Criss is good in bed.
What makes you think I'm not good in bed? That's not what I meant.
I didn't That came out wrong.
Er, what I meant to say was Erm Nothing.
I'm sure you're very good in bed.
I should go.
To my room.
I don't wanna keep the boy waiting.
Erm, all right, I'll see you later.
Have a good one.
I love you.
I'm fond of you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna make my way there now, Sadie.
All right, bye.
- I need change.
- I'm in the middle of something.
I need change for this 20.
Do I look like a fucking bank? I want to speak to your manager.
I am the fucking manager.
- See a guy round here sometimes.
- That's my employee.
Get out.
Fucking bitch.
Thanks.
All good.
UNFASTENS ZIP HE LAUGHS - Where are you? - I'm right here.
No.
You're thinking about something else.
What? OK so just then I was thinking about whether or not Zara will accept this coat I wore once and decided I hate.
HE LAUGHS I'm sorry.
How did you get back into it with your ex? She never noticed.
You never talked about it? I was a lot younger when we got together.
And at first the sex was really hot.
But then we fell into a routine and I didn't wanna shake things up.
Felt like if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
It's easier to share things with someone you don't know so well.
- What do you want? - I don't know.
HE LAUGHS Show me.
Look at me.
SHE SIGHS THEY BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY If you don't stop that you're gonna make me come.
I want you to come.
HE PANTS HE PANTS Fuck.
HE GROANS HE CLIMAXES HE SIGHS Oh, fuck HE SIGHS HE SIGHS Touch me.
I'm really turned on right now.
How do you feel? HE SIGHS Quite hungry, actually.
OK.
I'm hungry.
Now? MAN: "I like to think of myself as a generous person.
I like, er, music, playing the piano.
Singing with my choir and " MAN 2: "And what would I want to know if I were you? I am from Iran.
I'm very good at making tahdig.
What would I want to know if I were you? I am from Iran.
I'm very good at making tahdig.
Tahdig is the crispy bit of rice and it's very hard to get right.
But I do it well so maybe your child will have this talent.
I don't know if it will get him employed but it is a good skill to have.
" If the halloumi is still good I can do a salad with chickpeas.
DOORBELL RINGS - Hi! - Hey.
Come in.
(WHISPERS) Fuck! Sadie said you weren't well so I brought you some stuff for your stomach.
And some soup and some real food just in case you're feeling better.
Oh, wow, thank you so much, that's so nice of you.
I think I left the stove on.
I'll go check but then I'll be right back.
And then we can eat all that food, thank you.
- Who was it? - Shh! You're not here.
Could you just chill in this room, for, like, two to three hours? No.
OK, cool, I'll be right back.
You're here to see Gabe.
Real quick, I just need a piss.
KNOCK AT DOOR Gabe, I need you to come downstairs, pretend that Jon-Criss is here to see you.
Hi, Francisca.
Francisca, my friend cannot know about me and Jon-Criss, OK? He's your friend, he's Gabe's friend, he is not my friend, understood? Francisca, I need you to acknowledge the words that are coming out of my mouth right now.
OK.
That smells so good.
I'm gonna get some plates.
Gabe's coming downstairs.
You're here to see him.
We don't know each other.
- Hi, Gabe! - Hey.
Hey, Deniz.
Hey.
Hello.
Er, I think we've met before, actually.
I'm Jon-Criss.
Friend of Gabe's.
- I remember.
- Francisca, Deniz.
That's too much food for two people.
Today on The Jeremy Kyle Show: Help, my son is Kanye West.
Today on The Jeremy Kyle Show: Help, my son is a bag of dicks.
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY Today on The Jeremy Kyle Show: Help, my son is Doing the right thing.
Today on The Jeremy Kyle Show: Help, my son is father/daughter incest.
You didn't read the card before putting it in.
What difference does it make? - Doing the right thing is boring.
- Boring? It's so meta.
- Lot of dicks doesn't make sense.
- You're being so unfair! (SHE LAUGHS) In the face HE LAUGHS - Bag of dicks syndrome.
- You're embarrassing yourself.
Kanye West wins.
I believe that puts me in the lead, thank you.
We don't have to play this game.
We can just go hang out in my room.
- This is fine.
- Mm.
This lamb's incredible, Deniz.
I don't normally like lamb but I can't stop eating it.
- What's in it? - The main ingredient is Love.
No, soured cherries.
Den is a really good chef.
I wish she'd open up her own restaurant or something.
Yeah, you should.
Why, cos it sounds better than working for Tilton off licence? No, no, no.
It's because you're like a grandmother.
You're so good at feeding people.
Do I look like a fucking grandmother? That's not what he meant.
It's your turn.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy me That's a lot of baklava.
- LEILA: What's it to you? - He's getting round.
Forget it, he touched it.
- Are you coming tomorrow? - No.
Sorry you hated the game so much.
- Are you mad at me? - It's fine.
I'm just not into this whole scene.
I didn't mean to invite them into our night.
What? When you're with your roommate you remind of a girl from a Judd Apatow movie.
Like that game.
Looks like something I've seen in a Judd Apatow movie.
I didn't realise you were so familiar with his oeuvre.
KEYS JANGLE I'm sorry.
It's fine.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Right now legal abortion is happening because of her.
Her sister's documentary changed legislation Yeah, no, I get it.
She's better than I am.
I'm glad to see you've made this about you and your insecurities.
No, Francisca is more attractive than I am.
Her work is noble, her tits are perfectly round.
And none of that changes the fact that she is such a cunt! You don't know what she's like with me.
She monitors her food intake.
OK, whatever.
I'm a guy.
Men aren't sensitive about body stuff.
And you're not good for Jon-Criss.
We're just hanging out.
You know you're the first person he's been with since Karen.
Who's Karen? The woman he was engaged to for six years.
Ha ha! These jeans make my ass look weird.
TV ON Oh, God, I know you're going through something but I cannot watch another episode of The L Word.
Let's go out.
Season two is shit anyway.
Tina's all boring and pregnant.
Do you reckon if they hadn't got back together then Bette would have had a baby on her own? Fuck, no! Bette's like us.
But with a cleavage.
It's unnatural.
Yeah.
If you were Bette then you wouldn't.
Carrying a baby's a head fuck.
You can't be seen breastfeeding in a power suit.
I literally would saw off my arm to be with her.
It'd have to be your left arm.
THEY LAUGH - Yeah.
- SHE LAUGHS WOMAN MOANS WOMAN SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE THEY INHALE AND EXHALE LOUD DANCE MUSIC You dance like a homosexual.
I know! SHE LAUGHS - I like you.
- Me too! Mwah! LOUD DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS Why do we have to lie to a Turkish girl about you and Jon-Criss? Leila doesn't want anyone to know that she's sleeping with a man.
- Why not? - It's complicated.
How is it complicated? - It's a gay thing.
- So? I'm queer.
Everyone under 25 thinks they're queer.
- And you think they're wrong? - No.
You know what I think, I think it's different.
I think when you when you have to fight for it, I think that being gay can become the biggest part of you.
And that you're gay or straight and one comes with an entirely different lifestyle than the other.
Like different clothes and different friends and you can't do both.
And I don't mean to be condescending to you.
I don't know what it's like to grow up with the internet.
I just get the sense that it's changing your relationship to gender.
And to sexuality.
In a really good way but in a way that I can't relate to.
I think you're making a problem where there isn't one.
SHE LAUGHS Maybe you're right.
How long have you been in London? Two years.
I go back to Argentina when my visa expires in a couple of months.
Are you excited to go home? No.
I wanna go out.
Been in here too long.
Everywhere's closed.
The Red Lion is open till 3am.
MUSIC BLARES INSIDE Hey, I'm so sorry, I don't have ID on me but look at my face.
I'm old enough so it's inappropriate that I'm even here.
Yeah, no ID, no entry.
Didn't know they let 14-year-old boys do security.
Go on.
LOUD DANCE MUSIC INDISTINCT CHATTER Hey! You all right? Yeah, I'm OK, I just needed some air.
All right, I'll I'll wait with you.
- Sadie? Sadie, stop.
- What the fuck! I'm sorry.
Who is that guy? - It's a friend of Gabe's.
- Are you fucking him? I feel like such a fucking idiot! Oh, fuck you! You OK? I need to go home.
I know that bouncer was a lesbian.
Then why did you say that thing you said? 'Cos I was trying to be funny and the second I said it I knew it wasn't funny.
I'm a bit relieved that they know.
No.
They were gonna find out sooner or later.
They'll get to know me.
Give in to my charm like you did.
I know this is hard for you.
No, you don't.
- 'Cos you're not gay.
- Neither are you! - I need to be alone right now.
- I meant not funny gay.
I think we should cool it for a minute.
I think we moved too fast too soon.
Because of what I said? It came out wrong.
No, not because of what you said.
I just don't think we're compatible.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe not.
How many people have you been this intimate with? - Like had sex with? - No, no, how many people have you laid in bed with all day? And held hands with.
Talked about your childhood.
Five? More than five? - I don't know.
- More than ten? - Why does it matter? - You can't just open someone up and then make them feel safe and then change your mind the next day.
It makes your intimacy worth shit.
You are an emotional intimacy whore.