The Book Group (2002) s01e03 Episode Script

(Birdsong) (Singing) Angus, darling, you work so hard.
Have some lunch? Today, l am inspired, Katrina.
Come here.
(Laughing) The fine weather reminds me of my native Lapland.
See the sun on the mountains? One day, Angus, we will climb those mountains.
Katrina, your love fulfils me more than any mountain.
- One for a swim.
- On you go.
Katrina, the light in your eyes is a better view than any mountain.
- You called for me, Professor.
- Emily.
Damn it if you haven't done it again.
l've been setting that essay on Dryden for years and you come along - a Yank - and knock the socks off all my other students.
- Dryden's not so difficult.
- He bally well is.
- He's only writing of the human heart.
- Bah, what use is that? Here l am, holed up for years in this ancient pile of rocks, - Professor, what are you saying? - For once, l don't know what l'm saying.
Professor, if l have done anything that would cause awkwardness between us, please tell me at once.
Your excellent teaching means so much to me.
Your eyes are an extraordinary shade of blue.
- - But perhaps Dryden has something to teach us both - about listening to our hearts.
- (Bell tolls) - ls that my heart beating? - lt's matins at Balliol.
- Aye.
- l was going to but l'll give it a miss.
- See you later.
- l'll train before l go to the pub.
- All right, Kenny? - Aye.
- Give you a hand, big man? - l'm all right, pal.
Good on you.
He thought she'd go back to Rotterdam.
- And she didn't go back? - She's staying with Barney.
- - - She's got no mobile? - God knows what will happen to her.
- Hey there, Fist.
- Hi.
Don't you go to that big health club in Hamilton? - l'm not a member any more.
- Keep up.
- You look all right.
- l've put on two kilos.
Ah, you're fine.
Hey, it's not fair.
You've got wheels.
Aye.
Life's a bitch, eh? Kenny? - Kenny, what are you doing? - lt's good for me to stretch.
- So big.
- You're used to seeing me in the chair.
Yes.
- l'm six foot six, Fist.
- What's that in metres? (Dirka) l don't know how she'll live.
The team gives you structure.
You need structure.
You have to know when the next game is.
You need that.
l can't think that she doesn't miss it.
- Bart's doing so well, just now.
- Best European player.
- What? - She doesn't even know what UEFA is.
Silly moo.
- All right? - Aye.
- ls, er, Janice in? - She's at the health club.
- What are you doing in her book group? - When's she back? An hour.
- ls wee Jackie in? - No, he's at training.
- What position's he playing, now? - Centre forward.
- Scored eight goals already this season.
- Good.
That's very good.
An hour, eh? - l used to train to be fit.
- lt's very important to keep fit.
- But now it's for concentration.
- What do you concentrate on? - l'm writing a book.
- Kenny! That is wonderful.
You do everything.
- You haven't read it yet.
- What's it about? - lt's about a man who lives in the hills.
- Near Glasgow? - Aye, that's another wee bit.
- l remember, you were telling the story at book group.
Oh no, this is a work of fiction.
This man's living in a cabin.
He's trying to remember a story his father told him a long time ago.
- Where is his father? - Dead.
Years ago.
Lung cancer.
But before he died, he told his son about a place in the hills that no one knows about, a secret place.
(Fist) What is in the secret place? (Whistle blows) - Haven't got that far, yet.
- Mm.
l'm working on developing my characters.
Wow.
- Great game the other day.
- lt was shite.
No, it was all right.
Janice says you like your new manager.
- You talk to Janice about me? - Aye.
- What did you tell Janice? - l didn't tell her anything.
Asked about you.
Aye.
- Hello, you.
- Hey, there.
- Aah, sorry.
- Ah.
- Missed you.
- Kenny was at the track.
He's very handsome.
- He's writing a book.
- ls he? Probably a kind of therapy for people in wheelchairs.
l think you're jealous.
Kenny is good at everything.
Really.
l'm smelly.
l'm going to take a shower.
Could you leave the door open? You are so British.
That's really funny.
Very Dutch.
Emily, hello.
l saw you reading.
Always reading, aren't you? Professor, l didn't know you rowed.
Emily, hello.
l saw you reading.
Always reading, aren't you? Professor, l wasn't aware that you were an oarsman.
My way of trying to clear my head.
Emily, lll find that l can't stop thinking about you.
About me, Professor.
What about me? Damn it, woman, it's your intelligence.
Fist.
- Hello, there, Rab.
- All right, Janice, er Just bringing your book back, there.
Didn't have to do that, Rab, l'm seeing you tonight anyway.
A-ha.
l thought you might want to do some revision.
- All right, son? - Fine.
- How was training? - lt was all right.
- All right, darling? - l'll be off, then.
We can make healthy snacks for the book group.
- Excellent.
- Erm - We have carrots.
- Carrots.
- Cucumber.
- Cucumber.
And yogurt.
Yes! l can make this healthy dip that we have in Holland.
Come on, chop the vegetables.
Ahh! Aw! Bastard.
- Claire, do you want some? - Thanks, Fist.
- Did you get anywhere with the therapy? - Barney says it's a waste of time.
- What.
What did l say? - Nothing.
(Kenny) Did you make this dip? (Fist) Yeah.
- lt's fantastic.
ls there smoked fish in it? - Yeah.
- lt's simple.
You take some yogurt - Maybe we should talk about the book.
- (Kenny) Aye.
You start, Claire.
- Oh, um, OK.
Well, first impressions - l was disappointed, because l'm a big fan of One Hundred Years Of Solitude.
- Oh, please! - l haven't finished.
l'm not going to listen to rubbish in my house, woman.
- lt's an apartment.
- lt's a lovely flat, Barney.
- Do you get enough room here? - What are you saying? - l thought - Are you sleeping together? - Who? - Barney and Fist.
- (Claire) l hated the book.
- You didn't understand it.
- Marquez is overrated.
- What! - Are you sleeping together? - Rab.
- We should read Allende.
- Typical! - Mind your own business.
- She said it.
- l cannot bear Allende.
- She's a better writer.
The only decent book Marquez wrote was One Hundred Years Of Solitude.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You're interfering with my freedom of speech.
- Claire is talking.
- Right.
Right.
So would you mind not talking such utter shite! Little cunt! - Hang on, am l the cunt? - l think l am the cunt.
- Ach, we're all cunts.
- Speak for yourself.
Language, please.
Could we all get out of the gutter.
(Barney) Go away.
You all right, Barney? There's a right way to understand Marquez.
- l won't listen to crap in my own home.
- You're right, Barney.
Stupid American bitch.
Doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.
- Stupid bitch, eh.
- They're appalling poststructuralists, - they don't know about Latin culture.
- Aye.
They've never even read the text in the original Spanish.
Are you shooting up in there, pal? - What? - l saw the marks on your arm.
Rubbish.
l mean, they've never even been to South America.
Are you in South America now, Barney? Yeah.
Yeaneh.
He's all right.
Time of the month.
Kenny, why don't you tell us about the book you're writing? - You're writing a book? - Aye.
- Good on ye, big man.
- l've always wanted to meet a real writer.
- What is it? - Ach, it's rubbish.
- Are you on email? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Not yet.
How did you start your novel, did you do a course? No.
lt was all that Kerouac stuff.
Dead inspiring.
- Just had a go andkept going.
- l'm trying to write a novel, too.
- Barney says everyone is.
- Barney's a cunt.
Could everyone watch their language? l don't appreciate it.
Sorry, Janice.
- Lovely house.
- Nice, isn't it? Bit wee for two, though.
- No, l meant yours.
- Oh, thank you.
Did Jackie show you round? Aye.
He did a bit.
Meow.
God, l want to fuck you.
- He's tired.
- Aye.
He says silly things when he's tired.
- So what's your book about, Claire? - Oh, you know, relationships mainly.
Lots ofpassion and romance.
- Sounds all right.
- My publisher says that's what sells.
Yyouyou have a publisher? Yeah, l'm a writer.
Like, a writer in your spare time? No.
Like a full-time, that's what l do for a living, kind of writer.
- Claire! - Why did you no say? - l thought it would be kind of weird.
- How many books have you written? Three.
- That's great, Claire.
- ls it? Maybe we can read one for book group.
- Are you on medication? - No.
Barney has diabetes.
- Hello.
l do not have diabetes.
- l thought Do you make enough money to live on? Yeah, l guess.
The advance from the last one brought me over here.
- That is magic.
l'm really impressed.
- A real writer.
- Your friend said you had diabetes.
- Oh, please! - He said you had to have medication.
- lnsulin.
- There's no shame in your condition.
- (Kenny) No.
- Why don't you just admit - Who's this? You'll love this.
Oh, it's a special Dutch dip from Holland with yogurt and - That's her.
- Shut up.
.
.
crushed clog.
- ls this all about insulin? - My uncle had diabetes.
Could we all just mind our own fucking business.
l have something to say about the book! l read the whole book straight away.
You can ask Rab.
l lent him my copy, l read it so quickly.
- That's right.
You did.
- Go on, Janice, tell us.
l liked it.
- l thought it was a good story.
- Aye.
The man and the woman were really in love.
lt was really romantic.
And l liked the way things could happen that wouldn't really happen.
- Magical realism.
- Magical realism.
l was really glad when they got together in the end.
Uuh, God.
That's all l wanted to say.
Hooray! - Everyone is writing a novel.
- Told you.
l would like to write a novel.
- Yeah? ln Dutch? - ln English, about my experiences here.
- Have you had lots? - Of course.
- Enough to write a book about? - Yes.
Cos the last thing the world needs is another crap novel.
Why would it be crap? There are billions of ordinary people in the world and very few of them are real artists.
The rest of us shouldn't bother.
How do you know if you're a real artist? You feel things.
You have a greater sensibility than ordinary people.
Well, how do you know that l don't? lt's an educated guess.
There was never a decent writer who looked like you.
- l'm the stupid girl who's nice to look at.
- Yeah.
Thing is, Fist, there are a lot of stupid girls who aren't nice to look at.
- So l'm lucky.
- l'll say.
Barney.
l can't stay here any more.
You're a shithead, just like Bart.
All right.
Are you having diabetes now, Barney? None of your fucking business, you little prickteaser.
- Oh, Professor - (Monitor beeping) .
.
you never understood Dryden.
Bugger Dryden.
(Continuous tone from monitor) (Kenny) Hey, gorgeous.
My professor just died.
- Uh! There goes your degree, eh? - This is serious.
- Aye.
And l've got kidney failure.
- No you don't.
You're just here because l want to have sex with you, because l'm so pathetic l have fantasies about people, rather than doing anything.
The operation's in a few hours.
- Will you stay with me? - Of course.
But Kenneth, where's your family? No one else survived the avalanche.
Alas.
Kenneth, l'll make sure you're never alone.
Emily, you're a good person.
(Birdsong) Somewhere lt's written in a book that l've read Sometimes lt's written just the way that you said The book that l read