The Boondocks s01e03 Episode Script

? I am the stone The builder refused ? ? I am the visual The inspiration ? ? That made lady Sing the blues ? ? I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ? ? The same spark That lights the dark ? ? So that you can know Your left from your right ? ? I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ? ? The inner glow That lets you know ? ? To call your brother sun ? ? The story that just begun ? ? The promise Of what's to come ? ? And I'm a remain a soldier ? ? Till the war is won ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop ? My grandfather, Robert Jebediah Freeman, after a lifetime of odd adventures and strange mishaps, decided to spend his last days in the warm embrace of suburbia.
So he moved to his perfect house in his perfect neighborhood.
But he was still searching for his perfect woman.
For what reason, I have no idea.
I want candy! Damn it, I hate you! You're ruining my life, bitch! Please, Herbert, remember our agreement.
Candy! I want candy! Give me candy! Give me candy! I want candy! I want candy and marshmallows! Give it to me! Give it to me! Herbert- Oh! And I want pasta! Hm, he sure looks like a handful.
When he gets like this, I just don't know how to make him stop.
I want candy and marshmallows! Have you ever tried beatin' his ass? What's with the belt? The nerve of you In front of these people You must have lost your goddamn mind! Mom, stop! Not many men would stop to help a woman in need.
Well, uh- I guess I just hate to see a child go unbeaten.
I'm Cristal, like the champagne.
I'm Granddad.
Hello, cutie.
Yeah I'd rather not.
My name's Cristal, like the champagne.
Well, that sounds like a stripper name.
Cristal, like the champagne, might you be a stripper? And just what do you know about strippers, little man? Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.
I just love grocery stores in rich neighborhoods.
Much better stuff.
Check out this special French whipped cream.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm-hm.
Mm.
It's edible.
Whipped cream, teddy bear Mm, mm, mm.
Somebody's busy.
One hundred fifty-three dollars and 12 cents is your total.
Will this be cash or charge? You're such a gentleman.
You didn't have to carry all my bags.
It's my pleasure, Cristal, like the champagne.
Well, see you around.
I don't I mean, I don't know if Would you like a date? It just so happen I have coupons for the Red Lobster, cutie pie.
Um okay.
You do realize that light-skinned ho was a ho, right, Granddad? Don't cuss, boy.
Now, watch your mouth.
I didn't cuss.
I said ho.
Don't think because I'm driving, I can't come back there.
I don't see what the big deal is, just sayin' "ho.
" Ow! You smackin' me! Granddad, stop.
Didn't I tell you to watch your mouth? Granddad! Riley, stop, or we are going to die! Now, I bet you won't say it again.
Ho.
Oh, I got your ho! Watch the road.
Watch the road, Granddad! Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would want to go out with a man your age? Because I laid my game down quite flat.
Game? What you know about the game, Granddad? I know the game.
Takin' women out to eat? Givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits.
The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits, but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.
I know the game.
Your granddaddy knows the game.
Game recognize game, Granddad.
I recognize game.
Your granddaddy recognize game.
Game recognize game, and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now.
I- I can't- Where's Granddad? Can I help you, sir? I ain't got time to mess around with y'all.
I got a date.
Get out the way.
Don't do it, Granddad! Don't feed her! Come on, now, stop.
Get off my leg.
Don't feed her.
Don't try to pull me back.
The cheddar biscuits! What the hell? Get off me, boy.
What's wrong with you? Mm.
Oh, God.
Mm, mm.
These cheddar biscuits are so good, they just melt in your mouth.
Thank you for the meal.
It was very romantic, like Sex and the City or somethin'.
Wow.
I have never seen a woman eat like that.
Or a man, actually.
You should bring some home for the boys.
I don't know.
If you feed 'em, they'll never leave.
Oh, stop.
They're so cute.
You must love having them around.
Well, not really, but You should let me baby-sit sometimes.
Doggy bag? A doggy bag is 90 bucks, a tea bag is 50, but I'll have to ask you to excuse me right now.
See, I'm kind of, you know, on a real date.
You know, now that I think about it, I don't ever remember seein' Granddad with a woman.
There was a time, when I was three, when I thought he was gay, but now, I think it's just bad luck.
Well, I don't see what the big deal is with ho's, anyway.
Riley, all women are not ho's.
We're talkin' 20, Okay, but if they not all ho's, then why I got to pay to take 'em out to eat, then? I mean, I'm payin'.
That's payment.
Uh, I don't know.
'Cause that's just what you do.
You meet a girl, you take her out to dinner, but you're not payin' the girl.
You're payin' the restaurant.
But I'm payin', which makes her a ho.
Why don't I just give her the money.
I was gonna spend on dinner and that ho can go grocery shoppin'.
And what do you do again? I'm in, uh- Sales.
You could call it sales.
I don't really like to talk about work.
I'm not really fulfilled at my job.
Why not? Well, the hours are pretty long, the boss is a real jerk, and the clients Ugh, don't get me started on the clients.
Oh, damn.
So why do you do it? Mm, basically I'm in a transitional period.
Like last year, people said I should be a model, but you gotta go get the pictures taken and do that whole thing.
Seemed like a lot of work.
Yeah, taking pictures can be tough.
And then I wanted to be a chef, but can you believe they want you to go to school for that? I wish I could find a man, who could swoop in like a superhero, and save me from, you know, work.
Kind of like a Captain Save-A-Me.
Do you know where I can buy a cape? Ooh.
Damn.
Whoa.
Wow.
That's how it starts, you know.
Takin' bitches out to eat, meals and whatnot.
Next thing you know, you wake up in a rest haven for ho's.
A sanctuary for scandalous skeezers and stunts.
You're jumpin' to conclusions.
It's just a date.
What if he marries her? What if we end up with a ho for a grandma? Riley, shut your dumb ass up.
What if we have a ho for a grandma, and she comes to school on career day? Ooh, what if they have kids? We'd have a brother or sister that's half ho.
Riley! This is your home? It's beautiful.
Hey, boys.
I love this place.
I never want to leave.
Is there anything to eat? I didn't want to believe Riley.
I wanted Granddad to have finally found love in his life.
But I've never been one to ignore the obvious.
Granddad was tryin' to turn a ho into a housewife.
Come on, Granddad.
What you talkin' about? Hey, you just wait a minute.
Uh-huh.
? She did me wrong ? ? Now, I ain't sayin' She a gold digger ? ? When I'm in need ? ? But she ain't messin' With no broke niggaz ? ? She did me wrong ? ? Now, I ain't sayin' She a gold digger ? ? But she ain't messin' With no broke niggaz ? ? When I'm in need ? ? Get down, girl Go ahead, get down ? ? Get down, girl Go ahead, get down ? ? Get down, girl Go ahead, get down ? ? Get down, girl Go ahead ? ? Cutie the bomb Met her at a beauty salon ? ? With a baby Louis Vuitton Under her underarm ? ? She said I can tell you rock ? ? I can tell by your charm Far as girls you got a flock ? ? I can tell by your charm And your arm ? ? But I'm looking for the one Have you seen her? ? ? My psychic told me She have a ass like Serena ? ? Trina, Jennifer Lopez Four kids ? ? And I gotta take all They badass to showbiz ? ? Okay, get your kids but Then they got they friends ? ? I pulled up in the Benz They all got up in ? ? We all went to Den And then I had to pay ? ? If you f@#$% with this girl Then you better be paid ? What's up now? Why you keep doin' the same move? Where your game at? Where your game at? My X button ain't working.
Whatever, nigga.
Hey, look, I'm pressin' it.
You see me pressin' it.
You cheatin'.
Bitch, your game is garbage.
I'm Cristal, bitch.
Who's next? Fake-ass Mariah Carey! That's how nasty my game is, son.
I send niggas runnin' away.
What? Ah.
A full day's supply of vitamin C.
Granddad, that woman has got to go.
Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby-boo, and you will show her some respect.
Granddad, we don't know anything about Miss Cristal.
I mean, we know she spends all your money.
We know she eats more than a black hole.
We know she cheat at PlayStation! But where does she live? What does she do for a living? She's in sales.
Pfft.
Ho sales.
What? Granddad, does she duck under the table every time a dude in a purple suit walks in? Uh, a lot of people do that.
Can she run really, really, really fast in high heels? I don't know.
Average speed, I guess.
Race you to the car.
Okay.
Hm.
Maybe, uh Little above average.
Does she keep askin' if you're a cop? No.
You know, you have to tell me if you're a cop, or it's entrapment.
Mm.
My cute boys.
You boys don't know Cristal like I do.
She's a wonderful woman.
She's in my heart.
She's in my soul.
I just want to be her everything.
And for your information, children, I had relations with Cristal last night.
Ew, come on, Granddad! Oh, God, please! Why would you share that? That's nasty.
How am I supposed to have nice dreams tonight, man? And she didn't charge me a dime.
Mm.
You ready to go shoppin' again? You betcha.
Hey, Huey.
Okay, Cristal, I think we need to talk.
Before you start, I just want to tell you how much fun it's been hangin' out with you guys.
Think of me as the big sister you always wanted.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to get the hell up outta here.
Any particular reason? You're kind of a lazy ho? Yeah, I can see that.
I don't know why my granddad can't see it.
To be honest, me either.
It's so obvious.
But it's okay because, see, I'm in this transitional period Ah, ah, ah, I don't care.
You gotta go.
I can't do that.
I'm sorry? You guys have the life.
And I want the life too.
Yeah, but it's our life.
We're his family.
Oh, so now, we get to what this is really about.
I'm not one of y'all.
I'm not in the family.
I don't carry his genes, so I have to go? Uh, yeah.
Plus, you're a lazy ho.
Ugh, ho is a strong term.
Right now, I'm somewhere between anatomical sales associate and high-maintenance girlfriend.
Can't you be positive about my growth? Cristal, every part of you bein' here is unacceptable.
Do you realize I'm doin' prostitute laundry? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? Look, this is an adjustment for everyone, but it's what your grandfather wants.
You can't get rid of me.
I can do things to persuade your granddad that you can't do.
Like what? Never mind, I don't really wanna know.
Bye, Granddaddy.
I'll be back in a few.
Cristal was right.
I was going about this the wrong way.
Granddad needed to see the truth for himself.
? I know she no good But she good to me ? ? All right, we on a mission With SpyCam vision ? ? Yeah, it's wrong But I'd rather ? ? Beg forgiveness Than permission ? ? Something is off Who's this mystery lady? ? ? She's crazy And something in her eyes ? ? Looks shady But maybe after this exposé ? ? A blind man could see her Comin' from a mile away ? ? Let me catch her in the act See where her head is at ? ? Before the next sucker For love falls in her trap ? ? So I'm wearin' my Nike's With a Nikon ? ? Doin' some twilight Recon and econ ? ? Can't stop the paparazzi Oh, my God, with these Kodaks ? ? Tryin' to stop her From gettin' the bozak ? ? From gettin' the bozak From gettin' the bozak ? ? I know she no good But she good to me ? ? I know she no good But she good to me ? ? I know she no good But she good to me ? ? I know she no good But she good to me ? ? Click ? Cutie pie, what is this? That's not me.
I can't believe you would digitally alter pictures of me.
Boy, that ain't nothin' but Photoshop.
Get that outta here.
Why don't they like me? I try so hard with them.
Aw, there, there.
Haven't I done enough for you two? Y'all don't know what it's like to be old.
To know you don't have many days left.
Cristal makes me happy.
Why would you want to take that away from me? It's a nigga in a purple suit.
Who are you? My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence.
There she is.
Bitch, I hope you got the monies to cover this little vacation you been takin'.
Now, hold up, Slickback.
No, that's A Pimp Named Slickback.
That's what I said: Slickback.
No, no, it's A Pimp Named Slickback.
Like A Tribe Called Quest.
You say the whole thing.
A Pimp Named Slickback.
Uh, can we call you "Slickback" for short? No, nigga.
I'm A Pimp Named Slickback! Cristal, who is this person? Nigga, are you deaf? I'm A Pimp Named Slickback.
Say it with me, now.
He's my pimp.
Y-y-y-your pimp? So you really are a- A Yes, I'm a ho.
Yes, she's a ho.
Come on, bitch.
Now.
A Pimp Named Slickback, could I please have a minute? A minute? Let us pray "The Pimp's Prayer.
" Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch, and guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place.
Amen.
Amen.
Yeah! You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house.
What woman, sir? This here's a ho.
Not in this house, she's not.
Why don't you just wait outside.
Damn, Indiana Jenkins.
I didn't know we was still whoopin' niggas.
Fine.
Bitch, you got 45 seconds, and I'm leavin'.
Forty-four, 43, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I mean, at first, I thought you knew.
How would I? I mean, I don't see how you couldn't have known.
Well, easy mistake, I guess.
I mean, there were so many obvious signs All right, all right, I got the point.
Cristal, I don't care what you've done in the past, as long as you're ready to start fresh.
Think about it.
Forty-four You can stay here, maybe get a job, go back to school.
We can make it work.
I don't know, Robert.
I'm not really cut out for school and jobs.
But you'll be able to stay here with us.
Yeah, you're right.
That sounds nice.
Let me just go and get rid of A Pimp Named Slickback, then maybe I'll get some applications.
Eleven, 10, nine You're coming back, right? Of course.
Time's up, bitch.
I am leavin'.
Thanks for trying to save me.
No, Daddy! Wait, wait! Wait, wait.
She'll be back.
I guess, deep down, all grownups want to find that perfect person that'll guarantee that they'll never be lonely again.
I still believe Granddad'll find his someday.
Did she come back? Don't blow out the candle.
She'll think nobody's home.
It's all right, Granddad.
Maybe she'll be back tomorrow.
One thing I learned though Come back! Wait! Run, bitch, run! She sure can run in those heels.
I can't go to school! I can't get no real job! Feel the burn.