The Boss Baby: Back in the Crib (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - Hold all my - [laughing.]
Boss Baby ♪ I'm the boss dial in to the meeting ♪ Everybody here Please find your seating ♪ While you're teethin' I'm sinkin' my teeth in ♪ First one to show So I can do all my greeting ♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪ I make friends I love you, you're hired ♪ So come on And raise your juice boxes skyward ♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Can a baby get a witness? ♪ Grab a high chair This the family business ♪ Boss Baby ♪ - [dad.]
We'll be back later.
Have fun.
- Yeah! Time to watch rude comedians, mean fights, and kissing.
Whoa, there, little cowpoke.
Them there's no-no shows.
- Huh? Who are you? - I'm Sheriff Potty Pardner.
Your mom and dad installed me to round up all the online no-nos and flush them down the potty, where they belong.
[flushes.]
Yippee-ya-hoooo! So you live in here? I live anywhere moms and dads need me to keep young'uns safe.
Why, I could even be on the screen folks are watching right now.
- How would they know? - Well, for one thing, with Sheriff Potty Pardner, your ears will never hear a dang naughty thing.
I take all the worst no-no words and replace them with my favorite silly word: BOMP! Go ahead.
Say something naughty.
BOMP! This is way more fun than no-no words.
Sheriff Potty Pardner Online Guardian.
If it makes parents frown, we flush it down.
Commercial's over, show's on, bring it in.
A five percenter is about to shine shinier than the snot tracks on my sleeves.
Hate tissues, bad habit.
Don't care, I'm a baby.
[reporter.]
Channel 8's Marsha Krinkle.
I'm at Junior Fancy Junior's inherited Boyswear Emporium, where a water stain resembling town founder Thomas Kulkelka has drawn large crowds and one seasoned journalist with a storage unit of awards, and two lungs full of questions.
- Dez? - [Dez.]
Cardboard box.
- Why? - Because nobody sees the box coming.
Eh, fine.
Cover for me.
I gotta keep working.
Got a five percenter rolling out any second.
Exactly why I need to track our new archnemesis: Lumpy the Park Duck.
[screams.]
How'd the duck get flat? He's the ultimate thief.
Since when did we declare Lumpy the Park Duck an official archnemesis? Since I concluded it privately and announced it publicly with the team's enthusiastic support.
- Sure about this one, Boss? - Enthusiastic support.
You sure about this one, Boss.
Thank you.
Now excuse me.
I gotta go suss out Lumpy's next move.
Where are you going? You gotta watch our little star go supernova.
And that means this water stain is a lie.
- Krinkle's got them.
- [sneezes.]
Gesundheit.
[gasps.]
Who is that? Bystander Baby.
One heck of a five percenter.
You know how you'll be watching whatever-you-watch and a rando shows up, and you're just like, "Ah! Eh! Tasha, come see this!" Your best friend is Tasha, and she lives with you.
I assumed.
We make sure our super-cute Bystander Baby is that background rando.
When news breaks, we send Bystander's mommy an anonymous tip to see what's up.
So every single person who sees these clips Gets a shot of Baby Love, - right to the heart - BOMP! Hey, this is a family formal Boyswear Emporium.
Freeze! What was that? Someone ruined our Bystander Baby broadcast by blurting some serious profanity.
Yeah, I got that from context.
I meant what was that word.
What's it mean? How's it spelled? Do I get to use it if I'm angry? Whose filthy mouth did this? I'm on it.
Hurry.
We need to know who said the word we all know but should still define aloud simultaneously.
- how many achievement awards I have? - BOMP! - [Tina.]
Oh, my God! - That's not possible.
Celebrities are flawless role models.
Well, I can rewind and make sure.
BOMP! BOMP! [all shouting and gasping.]
Anybody.
Just shout out a summary of what BOMP is, and why I shouldn't have just said it.
- Ugh.
This is a disaster.
- Maybe not.
- Boyswear Emporium.
- Who said that? You! Name! Now! [stammers.]
Me? Ian.
Oh, that is definitely the name of someone who would ruin live TV.
Boo! Bystander Baby didn't get caught.
Yay! Crisis averted, people.
Counterpoint.
Crisis just beginning.
See a pattern? Our five percenter with beautiful hair gets lice, delivered by Lumpy the Park Duck.
This time, our on-camera charmer became un-air-able because she was taught a no-no word by You're saying a duck taught our baby a no-no word? I'm saying a new archnemesis taught our baby a no-no word.
And yes, the nemesis is a duck.
Let me bring in Lumpy.
I'll prove it's targeting five percenters and we'll put an end to this.
You dream big, Boss Baby.
I had a dream my blankie could make me fly.
And when I tried it [imitates airplane crash.]
Broke my butt.
The moral? Always follow your dreams.
The world will make more butts.
Mission approved.
Be ready for anything.
A duck smart enough to teach babies profanity is smart enough to Out with it.
I'm just wondering, in the most helpful way, of course, if maybe we shouldn't put all our archnemesis eggs in the basket of a duck teaching a baby no-no words.
Anyone else feel this way? Pip? Let me see that picture again.
[laughs.]
I don't have an opinion, I just like seeing his face.
Dez? When's the last time you met a box with an opinion? Do you know what this is? Bit of a tum tum, but I think it makes you look distinguished.
What? No.
It's my gut.
It's danced the archnemesis two-step before.
And it's telling me Lumpy did this.
If there's no objection, Tina, I should take the lead.
Let's see.
BOMP! BOMP! BOMP! So you do object.
Obscenely.
No.
I mean, no can go, 'cause I am staying back to do duck opposition research.
Good idea.
Pip, JJ, Dez, help me load supplies.
You call yourself a book of words? All you have are the useless ones.
"Sialosis, siberite, sibilant.
" [gasps.]
The dictionary defines "sibling" as "person sharing one, or both parents, in common.
A brother or sist" Nope.
Can't talk.
Perfect, I don't wanna talk.
I wanna ask a question.
Tina.
I'm serious.
I've got only got a few hours to write a research paper on long-term relationships, and I'm barely past the introduction.
I'm sorry, but I can't help.
So you can help later? Okay.
[old man on recording.]
Aren't you a nice fella? Release! Aren't you a nice fella? - [quacking.]
- [Boss Baby.]
He's taken the bait.
We establish a perimeter, wait for Pip, that's too much! You have to give me limits.
Aren't you a nice fella? [gasps.]
We've been made.
[Dez grunting.]
[Dez.]
And that's why a cardboard box.
[quacking.]
Can I be honest, Boss? He doesn't look very nemesis-y.
And Attila looked like every other Hun.
We have to dig deeper, uncover his master scheme, what Ducky Love organization he's fronting All the things he'll fess up to, once we break him.
- [quacks.]
- Still not talking? Shame.
I've got this pond algae and insect sandwich that's big enough to share.
- But I need you to share something - [quacking.]
You'd have to share something with me Information.
You have to share information Drop the dumb duck act! We know you taught Bystander Baby to say BOMP.
Spill your foie gras.
So you like games, Lumpy? Well, I've got one for you.
It's called solitaire y confinement! Want me to help you make a list of more realistic suspects who speak human words? Oh, it's Lumpy.
We just need to break him.
With Pip's custom drool torture.
[slurps.]
Endlessly creative and completely conscience-free.
You are the world's perfect businessman.
You have to stop.
'Cause you're done? Great.
Vocabulary question.
What does I've barely started! All I can think about is you sitting there.
It's stressing me out.
What are you doing? - Waiting for your stress to pass.
- The waiting is what's stressing me.
- [stomach grumbles.]
- [groans.]
And now my body says it needs calories before my brain starts functioning at suboptimal levels.
I'm grabbing a snack.
Sorry.
I just have a really important question, and I need somebody who knows all the answers.
Never mind.
"What does BOMP mea" Hoo-wee, small fry! You looked up a no-no word.
I'mma have to put you on a 30-minute Internet time-out.
Why is Sheriff Potty Pardner on my screen? What'd you do? I just looked up BOMP.
Never say that word.
Why not? What does it mean? Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
I am not gonna be responsible for teaching my baby sister how to use potty words in a sentence.
Tell me if I'm getting warmer.
- Does it mean a smelly scar? Raw meat? - Tina.
You've made it impossible for me to work.
Now you wanna get me in trouble with Mom and Dad? Oh, no.
You can't do your paper.
Not for another 30 minutes.
I'm sorry.
I'll tell Mommy and Daddy and get them to unlock the controls.
No, no, no.
You cannot do that.
I'll get in trouble? Are you kidding? We have the most understanding mom and dad on the planet.
To you, it's an Internet slip-up.
But to them, it's a chance for a deeply meaningful family sit-down.
It'll start with a very long, very guard-dropping hug.
- I'm talking 25 minutes.
- [Tina.]
That's three minutes too long.
[Tabitha.]
Then the photos come out.
"We used to be just like you.
" [Tina.]
Ha! I gotta see those.
[Tabitha.]
Then the clincher: Role-playing scenes filled with lessons and funny voices that will change the way you look at spatulas and staplers.
[Tina.]
Doesn't sound so bad.
[Tabitha.]
It'll be great.
It'll feel like minutes.
But it'll take hours.
Hours of great parenting that neither I nor my research paper have time for.
I'll just have to wait it out.
[groans.]
What if we didn't have to wait? Now click yes on that pop-up to give me access to the laptop, and Our systems are connected Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a Sheriff Potty Pardner problem? - Is that bad? - Weird.
That usually works.
What did you do? - Looked up BOMP.
- Tina! If I don't know why it's bad, I can use it freely.
That's the rules.
- [chuckles.]
Don't know what that means? - You do? Tell me.
What? No.
I can't just tell you.
- She doesn't know what BOMP means either.
- Tina, stop.
I do too.
I mean, I could use it in a sentence.
But, like, to give you a textbook definition - You could look it up.
- Great idea.
No, no, no.
Wait! Another online no-no? Looks like this sheriff's gotta up your time-out to 90 minutes.
Happy trails! [Tabitha groans.]
Our systems are connected! Now you've got us on lockdown for three times as long.
Uh, yeah, it's more than the both of us on the company network.
[all shouting angrily.]
She's not answering.
Must be on another call.
Oh, there she is.
Tina! We've got Lumpy, and we're all convinced he's an archnemesis.
Even Pip's drool torture didn't make him talk.
Well, yeah, ducks like water.
Obvious in hindsight, but this is why we need Tina's duck opposition research.
Avian facts.
Known criminal associates.
Anything we can use against Lumpy to Aw, come on, I was playing backgammon.
Why are there toilets on everyone's computers? It's fine, everything's fine! I just need to reset the system manually, so just a heads up, all tech will shut down for a few seconds.
All tech? No, hang on! [electrical systems powering down.]
[quacking.]
[groans.]
Now our archnemesis duck is loose in Baby Corp.
[scatting.]
Eighty-nine minutes to go! You're a wily foe, Sheriff.
Darn it.
Wait, Lumpy's loose? And if Gutso and I know our archnemeses, this was his scheme all along.
Something you'd like to add, JJ? Yes, if you're gonna make me.
None of this holds together, Boss! Forget all the huge coincidences Lumpy would've had to anticipate.
What's the endgame? If he's taking down five percenters, why bust out of a holding cell, just to hang out in Baby Corp's High Security Wing? There's nothing down there.
Eh, except our UBO, of course.
Uh, UltraBaby Omega? Cutest little thing there ever was? Our nuclear weapon of Baby Love? Yes, we know who UBO is.
She lives in the High Security Wing? Yep.
Safest place in Baby Corp.
I helped design her cozy nursery myself.
Go! Get those systems back online! I'm fixing everything! May I assume neither of you knows the parental control password? - Nope.
- They're parental controls.
No biggie.
We'll just trick your parents into giving it to us without knowing they're giving it to us.
- What? No, bad idea.
- [cell phone ringing.]
- [Tim.]
That's yours, hon! - [Carol.]
Hello? Mrs.
Templeton? Hi, Cammy with FLUSH Parental Controls.
We need to install a software patch and don't appear to have your password on file.
Here, goose, but dumber looking, dumber looking Could use that trick box right now.
Where's Dez? - Aren't you a nice fella? - [Dez.]
Whoa! Yes, I am.
[sniffing and quacking.]
dumber looking duck! He's going after UBO.
[shrieks.]
You monster! Nope, he's still just quacking.
Don't fall for this charade.
What's next, Lumpy? Ugly duck army marches on kiddie pools across the globe? [phone ringing.]
We got the parental control password.
Punching it in now.
Ha! No more breakouts, Lumpy.
Howdy, grownup administrator.
Enjoy your wide open internet.
- Yes! - Just to make sure this is you, I'm gonna send a little confirmation ping.
- No, no, no.
- [Carol.]
We got pinged.
- Everyone safe in cyberspace? - Are you being bullied? Internet's been acting wonky.
- Maybe Uncle Ted did something.
- [Boss Baby.]
What? [gasps.]
They muted me.
We were just looking up duck stuff.
Duck stuff? Like what? Uh, ducks like water.
Male ducks are called drakes.
Females are hens.
Ducks are partially nocturnal.
Yeah, I bet you stay up late hitting all those swear-filled comedy clubs and dirty jazz bars.
So there's nothing else going on? - Definitely not.
- Maybe? You sure, pardner? Well, okay.
Let's go into full lockdown mode! Yee-haw! [Pip.]
No, we died.
Oh, wait, I'm still talking.
Phew! We good.
The electronics can stay off until you're ready to come clean.
Love you.
Teddy.
Yo.
Cammy? Nothing's working.
- [Boss Baby.]
Everybody okay? - [JJ.]
I'm fine.
Just wishing I was partially nocturnal.
[Pip.]
Me too.
And that I knew what partially nocturnal meant.
[Boss Baby.]
It means ducks can see things in the dark.
Ow! Whose long, sharp lips bit me? [Lumpy quacks menacingly.]
- Oh.
- [all scream.]
We have to fix this.
You're smart and love me, give me answers.
I'm smart because I do my research.
Which I can't, because you got us on Yee-haw Whoa Pardner Giddyup Lockdown.
Do Mom and Dad have any idea how annoying this is? Not yet.
Idea! Daddy, what's the difference between a North American River Otter and a Neotropical Otter? I don't know, Tina-beana.
Uh, let me see if we have a book on Hey, Mom, how old do I have to be to open a retirement savings account? Uh I might have some paperwork somewhere.
- What's the safest way to sit on a cloud? - Can you make lasagna without pasta? - Can raisins ever become grapes again? - Why France? Do trees feel and are they happier in the morning, or at night? together, your stomach explodes, is that true? Oh, no.
We lost Pip.
Pip! [muffled dialogue.]
In there.
We can hide.
- It's locked.
- Hang on, I found instructions.
A lot of instructions.
"Shift latch up and down.
Twice.
" I am so sorry, Boss.
"Rotate code panel clockwise, twice.
" You and your gut said he was an archnemesis, but I didn't believe it, and now he's got spooky night vision and he's coming after us.
"Type Baby Corp backwards" He's coming after us.
He was right next to UBO, the cutest five percenter in Baby Corp's arsenal, with security down.
No archnemesis would pass up a chance like that.
He's just an ordinary duck.
- [Lumpy quacks.]
- He's still after us, sir! Get in! Why was I tired last Thursday? If frosting is the best part of the cake, why isn't there? Do I have to wear anklets? - Do tambourine players? - Just look it up online! So you're saying "Happy Trails" to Sheriff Potty Pardner? For the record, this wasn't a punishment.
We just get nervous.
The Internet can be a fun place.
But it can also be a dangerous one.
You know, when we were your age The Internet's tricky.
You've been there before.
We're growing up too fast.
We'll slow down.
Oh, uh Lockdown lifted.
- Yes.
- I just wanna say, you two are the BOMP-est parents in the world.
Thought I'd figured out what it meant, clearly miscalculated.
I didn't teach her that.
Thanks, you're all great, I'm out.
Yay, quality time.
[Boss Baby.]
What happened to you, Gutso? - I'm disgusted with both of us.
- Shh! He's getting closer.
Never mind.
He's waddling off.
Of course he is.
Because he's a dumb duck with no evil agenda.
- [latch clicking.]
- That's the latch up and down twice.
And now he's rotating the keypad.
Kind of smart for a dumb duck.
- Now he's typing.
- Typing what? Baby Corp backwards.
He read the instructions.
He does know words.
Lumpy the Park Duck is an archnemesis! Whoa.
Why do you look like a possessed lawn mower? Vindication, JJ.
Vindication.
[grunting and quacking.]
So this is our archnemesis? You bet he is.
Okay.
I know a baby in the Sri Lanka office, duck psychology expert.
Hello, Baby Corp.
Bystander Baby? Well, who's the chucklebutt in the mask? I am one of many.
Our fervor is unfathomable.
Our vengeance is unquenchable.
We are The Uncuddleab Cheap elastic.
You didn't see that.
- Oh, we did.
- Your stupid face did.
We are The Uncuddleables.
We're the ones who taught your Bystander Baby to say BOMP.
Why would you? Wouldn't you like to know? But you decided to escalate things.
So now, we will teach her one new profanity every 10 minutes until you release our mascot, Curtis.
Lumpy the Park Duck? Lumpy is the name society gave him.
He goes by Curtis.
Now release him, or we teach this baby all the swears.
She's bluffing.
Does this recording of the Canadian World Juniors hockey locker room - sound like I'm bluffing? - [on recording.]
Come on, guys.
Let's BOMP the BOMP BOMP BOMP BOMP.
Ooh, I'm using that.
It's a deal.
Release Lumpy Curtis.
- You have made a wise decision, babies.
- [quacks.]
[groans.]
Thanks for ruining my presentation! Gutso says that's our archnemesis.
Obviously.
We'll get them, Boss.
Together.
Dez.
Where you been, buddy? [Dez.]
On the road, man.
Seeing this beautiful country.
From BOMP to shining BOMP.
[closing theme playing.]
- Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - I'm a legend mythic ♪ Y'all heard the story But you know what the twist is? ♪ Welcome to the family business Boss Baby ♪