The Cafe (2011) s01e03 Episode Script
Out With the Old
I still play a little piano.
About this big? Oh.
I'm joking, of course.
Oh! So, do you teach guitar? Or just play? Oh, no, no, I teach.
Yeah? On Tuesdays.
I always wanted to learn.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.
Well, you should.
Yeah? Yeah.
There's loads of teach yourself videos on You Tube.
OK.
Oh, um I should get back.
Um See you.
OK.
Bye.
Laters.
What a mess! What are you doing? Sarah is trying to kill me! I need a cigarette! Are you a Smurf? Avatar.
Course.
.
! What time we meeting up tonight? Seven at the cafe.
I can't come.
Why not? I've got work to do.
Shut up! We're already two men down and if I don't beat the netball team, I'll literally kill myself.
And then you.
OK.
You could ask Ava.
No.
She wouldn't understand the questions.
She speaks better English than you.
What-evs.
Exactly! You DO know that sex is better for you than jogging? Is it?! Easier on the knees.
Well, that depends what position you're in.
How long's it been? Not THAT long.
That means ages.
No, it doesn't.
Use it or lose it, sister.
Thanks, sister! Is that true about sex being better for you than jogging? That what it says on Google.
Then I must be WELL fit! Get in! I just worry about her, Stan.
I know love.
That's your job.
We've all been there, haven't we? And back again! Here Brenda Kiley was in earlier.
Yeah? What'd she want? Black coffee.
But I'm sure she was sniffin' about.
You know what she's like She'll be trying to expand her empire.
She won't though, will she? Not if we have anything to do with it! Now get them cuttings into water, Carol Porter! Oh, Stan you're a poet and you didn't realise it! O M G! Look what the tide dragged in! Maybe he can sort out your dry patch.
Don't say dry patch.
Alright, Cap'n Mysterious? Hello.
Wanna be on our quiz team later? Oh 'Ey! What's the hesitation?! No, no hesitation.
We not good enough for you now? It's not that! You embarrassed by us? Absolutely not! You think you're too good for us cos you moved to London? What?! Not at all! Only joking, John.
I don't give a shit! You in or out? Ahh, well, I dunno, I'm not very good at quizzes.
Don't put yourself down, John.
Do you know the name of Brad and Angelina's first child? No.
Why not? Do you know the name of the person who invented the light bulb? Who cares? OMG.
Don't say OMG.
Oh my G! I left Pound-shop Pam under the heaters! She'll look like a traffic light! It's a pub quiz.
It's a pound a pint.
Be there or be the biggest loser EVER! Run, Forrest! Run! Right, well, I'd better get back.
Will you test me on my lines later? Yeah.
Bring 'em to the pub.
Are you in a play? Romeo and Juliet.
Theatre in the Hut.
Wicked.
You are you playing? The chemist.
The chemist? In Romeo and Juliet? Yeah.
It's meant to be apothecary, but Jeremy Gilbert can't say it.
OK, well time is money! Laters.
Laters.
How's it going? Yeah, you know Can't complain.
Really? No, I wanna complain about everything! I know how you feel.
Well, maybe what you need is the Dragon Pub quiz! Yeah OK Well, I'll see what Mum's up to.
Bring her along.
Yeah Yeah, maybe.
OK, well, it's up to you.
No, no, I'll I'll be there.
Oh, OK.
Great.
Great! "Great!", then.
Right, well There really is no way to do that like a lady.
Looks alright to me.
Smoooth! Smooother than yooou! Laters.
Hi.
Alright? Alright? Alright? Hi.
What's going on? Nothin'.
Just Just joggin'.
See you tonight? Why, what's tonight? Pub quiz.
What, you comin' now? Yeah.
What about your writing? I'll finish it tomorrow.
See you later.
So you're coming now? Yeah, why not? What about moving your mum's stuff? I know, who'd have thought a pub quiz would be more exciting? Yeah, right.
Right, well, I better get back.
Listen, thanks for not saying anything.
What, about your girlfriend? What?! No, about my mum.
I'd lose my job if I did.
Ah.
OK, well See you later.
Are you? Oh, are you? I thought you were We're both So we'll just Yeah walk together.
Laters.
Laters.
Oh, yeah, that's IS posh, Carol! Thank you, Stanley.
We're going straight from pitch to profit! Now, then How about a lovely little lapsang souchong? Steady on, saucy! I've only just had my breakfast.
It's a posh tea.
Nah.
Just a builder's for me, love.
Oh, Stan.
You're just as boring as the rest of them.
It if ain't broke, Carol.
Rumpole of the Bailey? Where did all these come from? Kieran dropped them off for Mum.
Love and Dr Devon by Alan Titchmarsh?! Ohhh Alan Titchmarsh! Every housewives' favourite.
Him and Michael Bubbly.
Oh, Stan, look at these cuttings! Freesias.
From the island of Good Hope.
Is there any other kind of hope, Stanley? Bob Hope.
Oh! Yeah! He was a Weston lad.
His dad was a stone mason with my Cyril's dad.
He never was! Yeah.
Fact.
Good hope.
Thanks, Stan.
Look out, here comes Zola Budd.
What you done with Paula Radcliffe? She couldn't keep up, Stan.
She didn't stop to squat, did she? Just the twice.
Okey-dilly-okey.
I gotta see a man about a funeral wreath.
You fancy this quiz later, Carol? Oh, I can't, Stan.
I've got a lot to do today.
You're allowed a night off, Mum.
I know, but I don't wanna leave your Nan.
Why not? Well, you don't wanna be sat in on your own, do you? Yes, Carol, that's EXACTLY what I want! Leave me alone to enjoy my Rumpole! Okey-bokey, no pressure.
Cos what's pressure for? For tyres! Egg-zackerly! Bang on.
Bye, all! Bye, Stan.
Bye, Stan.
What? I'm not saying anything.
About what? Just you be careful, Mother.
What's that supposed to mean? That's ALL I'm gonna say.
What? But pride goes before a whatsaname.
That's ALL I'm gonna say.
Don't be ridiculous, Sarah! That's ALL I'm gonna say.
Fall.
What, Mum? Fall, Carol.
Pride goes before a fall.
Yes, thank you, Mother.
I think it'll take more than a new menu to change things around here.
Oh, Frank, I told you end of the day.
I know.
No, it's alright, Carol.
I wanted a muffin and a Ooh, a lapsang souchong, please.
Oh, Frank, I could kiss you! End of the day, Carol.
End of the day.
I'll do it.
That's OK, Frank.
I'll bring your tea out to you.
Thanks, Sarah.
About this big? Oh.
I'm joking, of course.
Oh! So, do you teach guitar? Or just play? Oh, no, no, I teach.
Yeah? On Tuesdays.
I always wanted to learn.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.
Well, you should.
Yeah? Yeah.
There's loads of teach yourself videos on You Tube.
OK.
Oh, um I should get back.
Um See you.
OK.
Bye.
Laters.
What a mess! What are you doing? Sarah is trying to kill me! I need a cigarette! Are you a Smurf? Avatar.
Course.
.
! What time we meeting up tonight? Seven at the cafe.
I can't come.
Why not? I've got work to do.
Shut up! We're already two men down and if I don't beat the netball team, I'll literally kill myself.
And then you.
OK.
You could ask Ava.
No.
She wouldn't understand the questions.
She speaks better English than you.
What-evs.
Exactly! You DO know that sex is better for you than jogging? Is it?! Easier on the knees.
Well, that depends what position you're in.
How long's it been? Not THAT long.
That means ages.
No, it doesn't.
Use it or lose it, sister.
Thanks, sister! Is that true about sex being better for you than jogging? That what it says on Google.
Then I must be WELL fit! Get in! I just worry about her, Stan.
I know love.
That's your job.
We've all been there, haven't we? And back again! Here Brenda Kiley was in earlier.
Yeah? What'd she want? Black coffee.
But I'm sure she was sniffin' about.
You know what she's like She'll be trying to expand her empire.
She won't though, will she? Not if we have anything to do with it! Now get them cuttings into water, Carol Porter! Oh, Stan you're a poet and you didn't realise it! O M G! Look what the tide dragged in! Maybe he can sort out your dry patch.
Don't say dry patch.
Alright, Cap'n Mysterious? Hello.
Wanna be on our quiz team later? Oh 'Ey! What's the hesitation?! No, no hesitation.
We not good enough for you now? It's not that! You embarrassed by us? Absolutely not! You think you're too good for us cos you moved to London? What?! Not at all! Only joking, John.
I don't give a shit! You in or out? Ahh, well, I dunno, I'm not very good at quizzes.
Don't put yourself down, John.
Do you know the name of Brad and Angelina's first child? No.
Why not? Do you know the name of the person who invented the light bulb? Who cares? OMG.
Don't say OMG.
Oh my G! I left Pound-shop Pam under the heaters! She'll look like a traffic light! It's a pub quiz.
It's a pound a pint.
Be there or be the biggest loser EVER! Run, Forrest! Run! Right, well, I'd better get back.
Will you test me on my lines later? Yeah.
Bring 'em to the pub.
Are you in a play? Romeo and Juliet.
Theatre in the Hut.
Wicked.
You are you playing? The chemist.
The chemist? In Romeo and Juliet? Yeah.
It's meant to be apothecary, but Jeremy Gilbert can't say it.
OK, well time is money! Laters.
Laters.
How's it going? Yeah, you know Can't complain.
Really? No, I wanna complain about everything! I know how you feel.
Well, maybe what you need is the Dragon Pub quiz! Yeah OK Well, I'll see what Mum's up to.
Bring her along.
Yeah Yeah, maybe.
OK, well, it's up to you.
No, no, I'll I'll be there.
Oh, OK.
Great.
Great! "Great!", then.
Right, well There really is no way to do that like a lady.
Looks alright to me.
Smoooth! Smooother than yooou! Laters.
Hi.
Alright? Alright? Alright? Hi.
What's going on? Nothin'.
Just Just joggin'.
See you tonight? Why, what's tonight? Pub quiz.
What, you comin' now? Yeah.
What about your writing? I'll finish it tomorrow.
See you later.
So you're coming now? Yeah, why not? What about moving your mum's stuff? I know, who'd have thought a pub quiz would be more exciting? Yeah, right.
Right, well, I better get back.
Listen, thanks for not saying anything.
What, about your girlfriend? What?! No, about my mum.
I'd lose my job if I did.
Ah.
OK, well See you later.
Are you? Oh, are you? I thought you were We're both So we'll just Yeah walk together.
Laters.
Laters.
Oh, yeah, that's IS posh, Carol! Thank you, Stanley.
We're going straight from pitch to profit! Now, then How about a lovely little lapsang souchong? Steady on, saucy! I've only just had my breakfast.
It's a posh tea.
Nah.
Just a builder's for me, love.
Oh, Stan.
You're just as boring as the rest of them.
It if ain't broke, Carol.
Rumpole of the Bailey? Where did all these come from? Kieran dropped them off for Mum.
Love and Dr Devon by Alan Titchmarsh?! Ohhh Alan Titchmarsh! Every housewives' favourite.
Him and Michael Bubbly.
Oh, Stan, look at these cuttings! Freesias.
From the island of Good Hope.
Is there any other kind of hope, Stanley? Bob Hope.
Oh! Yeah! He was a Weston lad.
His dad was a stone mason with my Cyril's dad.
He never was! Yeah.
Fact.
Good hope.
Thanks, Stan.
Look out, here comes Zola Budd.
What you done with Paula Radcliffe? She couldn't keep up, Stan.
She didn't stop to squat, did she? Just the twice.
Okey-dilly-okey.
I gotta see a man about a funeral wreath.
You fancy this quiz later, Carol? Oh, I can't, Stan.
I've got a lot to do today.
You're allowed a night off, Mum.
I know, but I don't wanna leave your Nan.
Why not? Well, you don't wanna be sat in on your own, do you? Yes, Carol, that's EXACTLY what I want! Leave me alone to enjoy my Rumpole! Okey-bokey, no pressure.
Cos what's pressure for? For tyres! Egg-zackerly! Bang on.
Bye, all! Bye, Stan.
Bye, Stan.
What? I'm not saying anything.
About what? Just you be careful, Mother.
What's that supposed to mean? That's ALL I'm gonna say.
What? But pride goes before a whatsaname.
That's ALL I'm gonna say.
Don't be ridiculous, Sarah! That's ALL I'm gonna say.
Fall.
What, Mum? Fall, Carol.
Pride goes before a fall.
Yes, thank you, Mother.
I think it'll take more than a new menu to change things around here.
Oh, Frank, I told you end of the day.
I know.
No, it's alright, Carol.
I wanted a muffin and a Ooh, a lapsang souchong, please.
Oh, Frank, I could kiss you! End of the day, Carol.
End of the day.
I'll do it.
That's OK, Frank.
I'll bring your tea out to you.
Thanks, Sarah.