The Chinaboy Show (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
- Hello.
- Hello.
Where you want to go? Where? Where? Tell me where.
Just Oxford Street, thanks.
Ah! Offa, Offa.
I know.
Wait.
Is that the one that's near or really far? Uh really far? Ah, good.
That's a very good distance.
OK, let's go! (LAUGHS) Do you have boyfriend? Because my son, he's single and handsome.
Maybe you date.
(LAUGHS) He's 12.
(LAUGHS) Oh.
Here.
Is that Is that Oh! Is that a stupid - Have a great day.
- Thanks very much.
Cheers.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh! Oi.
Why is call? Hello.
Yes, I said pick me up at 100 Hay Street.
What do you mean you don't know where it is? You black car? Yeah, OK.
Bye-bye.
I love you.
I mean Sorry.
That's my wife.
Big bitch.
(LAUGHS) Yap, yap all the time.
You know women.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) I need to make a quick stop.
(SCOFFS) I have to get to Oxford Street.
No, trust me.
This way faster.
What you do? - I'm a singer.
- What else? You study? Study very important.
OK.
I make my son do Chinese school, Vietnamese school, Japanese school, maths, English, and that's just Saturday.
MAN: Hey! You! Yes, you.
Are you tired of being a broke dumb-ass? Are you tired of eating cheese sandwich? Then you need .
.
Asian Parents Finance! Here at APF, we put poor non-Asians with real Asian parents, because no-one knows how to parent like real Asian parents do.
Why waste money on clothes that fit you? Oh! No! Too tight! Buy bigger clothes! You can wear it when you grow up.
But, Mum, I'm 35.
- (YELLS) - (GRUNTS) Oh, much better.
But still kind of tight.
And if the regular saving plan isn't enough, we can upgrade you to the ultra Where the toilet? .
.
Ultra Asian Dad Saving Plan! Why you waste water? Use a bucket.
Come on.
Put your feet in.
OK.
Ooh.
Now you save water and can wash your undie at the same time.
I will wash mine too.
- Let's go.
- Whoa! OK.
Take take off! Take underwear.
- Oh! - Come on! Oh! Ah! Oh! That's a nice hot dog.
So don't waste your time with the Smiths.
Find yourself a Chong today.
Hey! Stand up straight.
Your clothes are too tight too! Asian Parents Financial.
We save you money.
Can you please slow down? Oh, you are safe, lady woman.
(CHUCKLES) That's good.
I like.
(CHUCKLES) - Hold this.
- What's that for? Uh, that's for, uh, sport.
Uh yes, sport, yes.
I like to bat, you know? Bat, bat.
Oh, so good.
Bat, bat.
Oh, so good, batting.
(LAUGHS) Uh Oh, we are here.
Mm.
Hey, come with me.
What are we doing? It's going to be fun.
Come on.
Come on.
OK.
You ready? Ready for what? Oh, hi there, mate.
Did you order an Uber? - Yes! - Whoa! Um can I take you somewhere? Take me to my son, so I can tell him why I can't feed our family.
Take me to my wife and tell her to come home, because I can't provide for her, and the dishes need washing.
Take me there now.
I want to go there now! OK there, mate.
Um why is she holding a baseball bat? - (GRUNTS) - Lady! Pick up that potato bag and put it on him! Uh, I'm not a part of this war.
Yes, you are.
You took a taxi.
You're on our side now.
Pick it up! (GROANS, COUGHS) I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- What? Very nice.
Let's go! Argh! Please.
Just let me go.
I just wanted to make a little bit more money.
- Trip to Bali.
- Money? Don't talk to me about money.
(GASPS, GROANS) I just I just want to go to Oxford Street.
Your fingerprints are all over the potato bag.
We're in this together.
(MUFFLED) Can you sign me out of the app, though? Super unprofessional.
I'm going to show you how Chinese people .
.
do China.
(LAUGHS) There's some gangrene in this one.
(LAUGHS) Oh, ni hao.
I want to know how much to get my body clean.
I have not shower in four days.
How about toenail? Mine is this long.
You look like my wife.
Very beauty.
(LAUGHS) Oh, sorry.
(SIGHS) My day has been bad.
I get lost.
Can't find home.
Miss my children.
My wife is very similar to that too.
Don't answer my questions or anything and also walk away.
(GROANS) Is this seat taken? - No, you can sit there.
- Oh.
Oh, thank you.
(GROANS) How are you today? I am good.
Now that I'm next to you.
- Aw.
- (LAUGHS) Where you from? - I'm from Perth.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- And you? - China.
- Wow.
- Yes.
That's far away.
Do you have boyfriend? I do.
I have a husband.
- You have a husband.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
- You can always take the ring off.
- (LAUGHS) For one night.
(LAUGHS) One time.
I don't know how he'd feel about that.
- Maybe.
- Maybe not.
- Please.
- (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) - Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Good.
(LAUGHS) She try to hit on me but I don't want.
I She try I married.
No, no.
Bye-bye.
OK.
Are you going to kill him? (LAUGHS) Yes.
Oh, no.
God, no.
I just I just want to scare him.
This is my turf.
No-one takes my customers! Help! Come on.
You can go.
Hello! (LAUGHS) OK.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
(CHUCKLES) That was fun.
- Let's do this again some time.
- (LAUGHS) No way.
I'm out of here.
Hey! You haven't paid yet.
It's $300.
You pay cash.
I don't want tax.
What? After all that? You didn't even take me to Oxford Street.
You want potato?! OK.
OK.
I'll wire you the money.
What the what is that? Is that an Uber app? They were giving out discount coupons if you signed up.
Potato! (SCREAMS) Oh.
She's a fast one.
Whoo.
(CHUCKLES) OK.
Time for bed.
- Hello.
Where you want to go? Where? Where? Tell me where.
Just Oxford Street, thanks.
Ah! Offa, Offa.
I know.
Wait.
Is that the one that's near or really far? Uh really far? Ah, good.
That's a very good distance.
OK, let's go! (LAUGHS) Do you have boyfriend? Because my son, he's single and handsome.
Maybe you date.
(LAUGHS) He's 12.
(LAUGHS) Oh.
Here.
Is that Is that Oh! Is that a stupid - Have a great day.
- Thanks very much.
Cheers.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh! Oi.
Why is call? Hello.
Yes, I said pick me up at 100 Hay Street.
What do you mean you don't know where it is? You black car? Yeah, OK.
Bye-bye.
I love you.
I mean Sorry.
That's my wife.
Big bitch.
(LAUGHS) Yap, yap all the time.
You know women.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) I need to make a quick stop.
(SCOFFS) I have to get to Oxford Street.
No, trust me.
This way faster.
What you do? - I'm a singer.
- What else? You study? Study very important.
OK.
I make my son do Chinese school, Vietnamese school, Japanese school, maths, English, and that's just Saturday.
MAN: Hey! You! Yes, you.
Are you tired of being a broke dumb-ass? Are you tired of eating cheese sandwich? Then you need .
.
Asian Parents Finance! Here at APF, we put poor non-Asians with real Asian parents, because no-one knows how to parent like real Asian parents do.
Why waste money on clothes that fit you? Oh! No! Too tight! Buy bigger clothes! You can wear it when you grow up.
But, Mum, I'm 35.
- (YELLS) - (GRUNTS) Oh, much better.
But still kind of tight.
And if the regular saving plan isn't enough, we can upgrade you to the ultra Where the toilet? .
.
Ultra Asian Dad Saving Plan! Why you waste water? Use a bucket.
Come on.
Put your feet in.
OK.
Ooh.
Now you save water and can wash your undie at the same time.
I will wash mine too.
- Let's go.
- Whoa! OK.
Take take off! Take underwear.
- Oh! - Come on! Oh! Ah! Oh! That's a nice hot dog.
So don't waste your time with the Smiths.
Find yourself a Chong today.
Hey! Stand up straight.
Your clothes are too tight too! Asian Parents Financial.
We save you money.
Can you please slow down? Oh, you are safe, lady woman.
(CHUCKLES) That's good.
I like.
(CHUCKLES) - Hold this.
- What's that for? Uh, that's for, uh, sport.
Uh yes, sport, yes.
I like to bat, you know? Bat, bat.
Oh, so good.
Bat, bat.
Oh, so good, batting.
(LAUGHS) Uh Oh, we are here.
Mm.
Hey, come with me.
What are we doing? It's going to be fun.
Come on.
Come on.
OK.
You ready? Ready for what? Oh, hi there, mate.
Did you order an Uber? - Yes! - Whoa! Um can I take you somewhere? Take me to my son, so I can tell him why I can't feed our family.
Take me to my wife and tell her to come home, because I can't provide for her, and the dishes need washing.
Take me there now.
I want to go there now! OK there, mate.
Um why is she holding a baseball bat? - (GRUNTS) - Lady! Pick up that potato bag and put it on him! Uh, I'm not a part of this war.
Yes, you are.
You took a taxi.
You're on our side now.
Pick it up! (GROANS, COUGHS) I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- What? Very nice.
Let's go! Argh! Please.
Just let me go.
I just wanted to make a little bit more money.
- Trip to Bali.
- Money? Don't talk to me about money.
(GASPS, GROANS) I just I just want to go to Oxford Street.
Your fingerprints are all over the potato bag.
We're in this together.
(MUFFLED) Can you sign me out of the app, though? Super unprofessional.
I'm going to show you how Chinese people .
.
do China.
(LAUGHS) There's some gangrene in this one.
(LAUGHS) Oh, ni hao.
I want to know how much to get my body clean.
I have not shower in four days.
How about toenail? Mine is this long.
You look like my wife.
Very beauty.
(LAUGHS) Oh, sorry.
(SIGHS) My day has been bad.
I get lost.
Can't find home.
Miss my children.
My wife is very similar to that too.
Don't answer my questions or anything and also walk away.
(GROANS) Is this seat taken? - No, you can sit there.
- Oh.
Oh, thank you.
(GROANS) How are you today? I am good.
Now that I'm next to you.
- Aw.
- (LAUGHS) Where you from? - I'm from Perth.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- And you? - China.
- Wow.
- Yes.
That's far away.
Do you have boyfriend? I do.
I have a husband.
- You have a husband.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
- You can always take the ring off.
- (LAUGHS) For one night.
(LAUGHS) One time.
I don't know how he'd feel about that.
- Maybe.
- Maybe not.
- Please.
- (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) - Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Good.
(LAUGHS) She try to hit on me but I don't want.
I She try I married.
No, no.
Bye-bye.
OK.
Are you going to kill him? (LAUGHS) Yes.
Oh, no.
God, no.
I just I just want to scare him.
This is my turf.
No-one takes my customers! Help! Come on.
You can go.
Hello! (LAUGHS) OK.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
(CHUCKLES) That was fun.
- Let's do this again some time.
- (LAUGHS) No way.
I'm out of here.
Hey! You haven't paid yet.
It's $300.
You pay cash.
I don't want tax.
What? After all that? You didn't even take me to Oxford Street.
You want potato?! OK.
OK.
I'll wire you the money.
What the what is that? Is that an Uber app? They were giving out discount coupons if you signed up.
Potato! (SCREAMS) Oh.
She's a fast one.
Whoo.
(CHUCKLES) OK.
Time for bed.