The Cockfields (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 - Where do you want these? - Well, let's have a think.
The table's here, we've got to sit round it to have lunch, so maybe you should throw them in the flower bed? Very good, Ray, you should write that down.
By the way, your front nearside tyre's bald.
- You need to get it replaced.
- Okay.
Have you sorted your pension out? Are we really talking about this on my birthday? Ray! Haven't you finished yet? Simon's dad and Melissa will be here soon.
With his help, we'll be done by Christmas.
Those chairs are looking a bit tatty! Well, it's all we've got, unless you want me to magic a new set out of my arse.
I need you today, Ray.
I really do! I've been thinking, when I get married, I'd like a gazebo at my wedding reception.
What don't you concentrate on getting a girlfriend, and worry about the awnings later? Yep, no, point well made! Stop shouting, David! Yes, keep the volume nice and low.
You're just getting prepared, mate, aren't you? Just in case.
Absolutely.
Love can hit you when you least expect it.
I mean, you don't know, but I might fall in love tomorrow! I bloody hope not, you're coming with me to pick a load of plasterboard up tomorrow, and I'm not marrying you! Everything looks great.
I hope so, Donna.
I've been up since five.
- Should be a nice day, shouldn't it? - Yes.
To be honest though, I've been on and off the loo all morning.
Are you okay? I thought I'd had a funny grapefruit.
I'm very sensitive to citrus, I'm the same with warm orange juice, it just goes through me like a tap.
But actually, I think it's nerves.
Larry and I have hardly been in the same room since he left.
Oh, right.
Yeah, of course.
Listen to me going on! I've got to finish this! - What is it? - This is my famous egg mayonnaise, with secret ingredient.
I've never, ever told anybody what it is.
Would you like to know what it is, Donna? Yeah.
Right.
Well, I use egg, mayonnaise, salt, pepper, and I use a teaspoon of mustard powder.
Right, thank you for that.
Mum's the word.
I won't tell a soul.
Do you want me to make the salad? You're a guest! You can't be making the salad! No, I want to, let me.
No, no, you just relax, Donna.
I'll get you a drink.
I'm all right for a drink, Sue.
I really want to make the salad.
Are you sure I can't get you a drink? What about an orange squash? Or there's fresh orange in the shed? - I really want to make the salad.
- No.
I'm not having it.
I'm going to open you a bottle of Schloer.
It's Simon's 40th.
I'd really like to contribute to the day, please.
I'm not having you going back to the mainland and saying that I let you make lunch.
Now, go on! Go on! Off you go! Go on Hop it! Hop it.
Hop it.
Andre, it's Simon's birthday today and we're having a little party in the garden, so this is a bit inconvenient.
Oh, hello.
This is Sheena.
We met in the pub last night.
- Oh, right.
- Hello, Sheena.
Hi.
She's got the flu.
Oh, dear.
Is it all right if she waits in the car until I finish the work, Ray? Andre - the point is - I won £100 on the fruit machine last night.
Did you? Right.
I promised to take her to the Premier Inn in Newport later, so we can have sex.
Oh, right.
Well, look, sorry, but we're in the garden, but can you clear out the back shed.
Right? And just try to stay out of sight, okay? - Thanks, boss.
- You're welcome.
See you in a bit, Sheena.
Sue, please, is there anything I can do to help? Oh, sorry, I thought you were Sue.
Oh, no, no, I'm Lynn, Sue's friend, from up the road.
Nice to meet you.
- You must be Donna.
- Yes.
Would you like a little glass of white wine? No, I'm fine, thanks.
Well, I'm going to have another one.
It is a party after all, isn't it? Sue tells me this is your first time on the Isle of Wight.
Yeah, yeah, it's lovely, isn't it? I've been here nearly 20 years.
I moved here with my husband Jack, for his work.
- He was a prison officer.
- Oh, okay.
Then he died.
Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
But then my luck turned and I found my Ken, - the second love of my life.
- Oh, that's nice.
Then he died.
Are you sure you don't want a glass of white wine? No, no, honestly, I'm fine.
Donna, you're not too hot, are you? Because I can open some windows.
No, I'm okay, thanks.
- Let me know if you want me to.
- Okay.
You'll like this.
I was hoovering and Donna thought I was you! - Did you, Donna? - Yeah.
Simon, Lynn was hoovering and Donna mistook her for me.
- Did you? - Yeah? She thought we look similar.
Right, I've never really thought about it.
Ray! I was in the hall and Donna thought I was Sue! She thinks we look similar! The Eagles, as they say, have landed.
Ray, Ray! They're here! Come on, darling, you'll be fine.
All right, Dad? Bear with us, guys.
Melissa had one too many drinks last night.
- And she's feeling a teensy bit fragile.
- Oh, my God.
In you go.
Nice of her to turn up pissed.
Don't start, Ray.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hi, Sue.
- Hi, Larry.
- Hi Can I get you anything, Melissa? - Sue, I feel so awful.
- Oh, no.
I shouldn't really be like this on your birthday, Simon.
- I'm really sorry.
- It's alright.
Don't worry about it.
Is there anywhere she could get a bit of shut-eye for five mins? Yeah, I just think if I had a little power snoozie, I would feel so much better.
Well, you could have a little lie-down on the sofa.
No, I don't think so.
Is there anywhere else that I could go where I could be alone and in complete darkness? We could stick you in the chest freezer, if you want? She could lie on our bed, couldn't she, Ray? Oh, God, Christ, no, God.
I wouldn't want to make a scene, I just feel really nauseous.
Honestly, it's fine.
Do you know what, no, I've got this, I'm going to be fine.
I'm going to be fine.
I'll be fine in a bit.
Really.
I will.
No, if you want to have a lie-down, you have a lie-down, darling.
It's okay if she has a lie-down, isn't it, Sue? Yes, it's fine.
David, will you show Melissa up to our bedroom, please? - At your service, m'lady.
- I just want to say, I'm so sorry, I hate making a fuss.
I really do.
I hate it.
Hate it.
- I love you.
- Sorry, Simon.
- It's alright.
Don't worry about it.
- Come this way.
I don't drink myself, so I've never actually had a hangover, but what I famously overindulge in is Netflix and granola.
Thanks.
It's from the exhibition we went to.
I'd forgotten about this! Well, we remembered you liked it, so Ray went back to get it for you.
I love it.
Thank you! And now for my present.
I was toying with the idea of giving you a condolence card, which would have been superb, seeing it's your 40th! Anyway, here's your present.
It's brilliant.
Thanks.
Well, let's see what it looks like on.
I can have a guess.
Yeah, let's have a look.
That's nice.
It's really nice.
Go on, then, Fonzie, I'll have a milkshake.
- Very funny.
Go on, turn round.
- No.
I'm not going to turn around.
Turn round, let's see if it fits you nice and snug.
No, you can say as much as you like, I'm not turning round.
He wouldn't make much of a catwalk model, would he, Sue? - No.
- He looks like a prat! No, joking apart, it's really lovely.
Okay, thanks.
Would you like some more quiche, Donna? No, no, I'm okay, thanks.
You can have some of mine.
Mum, she's said she's okay.
And there's some left anyway.
This is a lovely drop of vino! - Is it, Lynn? - Yes.
It's as if 100,000 little gooseberries had taken on a whole new lease of life.
- Does it make sense? - Absolutely, 100%.
Well, it's very nice.
Simon.
Tell your dad about your new job.
Oh, spill the beams.
Well, I'm in London now.
Been there about six months.
I'm sort of hoping to get some bigger projects, but it's going all right, yeah, it's going well.
That's nice to hear, really good.
And we're going to try and save a bit of money and get a deposit - Here she comes! - Oh, God, she's back.
Are you feeling better, my love? Sorry, Simon.
- Come and sit down, come on.
- Hi, everyone.
Over there, see? Come and sit down.
There you go.
- Am I okay here? - Take it easy.
Sorry about that.
It's okay, just take it nice and easy.
There you go.
Would you like something to eat, Melissa? Oh, God, no.
Oh, thank you, though.
No, I just I just don't think I can eat anything right now.
I can.
Pass us the sausages.
There you are.
Sue, this is lovely.
Thank you, Donna, that's very kind.
Are you okay, darling? What's troubling you? Sorry is it okay if we move the egg away from me, please? Is that all right? It's just, I can't stand the smell of eggs and I just got a massive whiff of it then.
Eggs are like, literally, my worst nightmare.
I'm really sorry.
It's okay, we can move the egg.
It's okay to move the egg, Sue, isn't it? David, will you move the eggs, please? Yes, yes, of course.
I just got another massive whiff of it.
It's not your fault.
Is that better for you, now? Could you put a plate on it, Ray? Is that okay? - Then Melissa can't see it.
- Sorry, is that all right? Look, why I don't I just pop it in the kitchen and then I can top everyone up? Pass it to me.
Thank you, thank you.
I fancied a bit more egg, but don't worry about me.
- You okay, darling? - Yeah.
Melissa? Donna knows Anne Hegerty, don't you, Donna? Not really, I don't "know" her.
- Wow! Who's Anne Hegerty? - She's in the TV programme The Chase.
The Chase.
Donna used to live next door to her.
It was the next village, but if you don't know her, then it doesn't mean anything - What's up, pal? - Hi, everyone.
I won a bit of money on the fruit machine last night.
- So, I bought you all a chocolate bar.
- How lovely! But you shouldn't go spending your money on us, Andre.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Ohh, me too! I didn't get you one, cos I don't know you.
Hey, dude, that's not a problem.
- What a shame.
- Nice one, Andre.
And, Sue, thanks for the wardrobe.
You're welcome, I'm glad it could be put to good use, Andre.
Yeah, I burnt it to heat me caravan.
I got that from John Lewis! So, how did you two meet, Melissa? Are we okay to talk about this? - Sue? - Fine.
Well, let's do it.
Okay, all right So, I'm bisexual.
Yeah, so before Larry and I met, I was mostly into women.
I guess I just really like the female form.
But I realise that sexuality isn't an exact science.
It isn't.
And after years of relationships with women, I met Larry.
And I was just really surprised and shocked to find him attractive.
Thank you.
I love you.
Can I get you anything, Donna? I'm all right, thanks.
So, do you still like women, Melissa? David, pack it in.
If you want to leave me, I wouldn't blame you.
I'd get out of this family, if I could.
- That's never going to happen.
- Oh, yeah? But it might, if your mother doesn't stop fussing over me.
You just carry on! Don't mind me! All right, Mum.
All right, Simon, out you go! - What? Go on! Tell him, tell him, Donna.
- Do as your mum says.
Oh, right, yeah.
Do you want to take the cake out, Donna? It's alright, you can take it.
No, no, you take it out.
No, you made it, you should take it.
Simon doesn't want me taking it out.
- Course he does.
- No, you take it out.
- Okay, I'll take it.
- Right.
- Will you light the candles? - Yeah.
Just give me a sec, cos I'm going to film it.
Blow, blow! Thank you! What? It hasn't recorded! Now, why hasn't that recorded? Bloody hell, Sue! You've got it on camera! Oh, no! Donna, can we do it again? - I haven't videoed it.
- Are you serious, Mum? - Yeah, is that okay, Donna? - Yeah, okay.
We can't do it again! It's mental! - No, we can! - Oh, my God.
Sorry about this, Melissa! - Right.
- Are you ready, Sue? Hang on, hang on.
Yes, ready, Donna! I don't believe it.
- What now? - It hasn't recorded again! - Oh, Mum! - Oh, no! Only joking! So, Melissa, how are you liking living on the island? To be honest, I'm really struggling.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
It's It's hard, it's been hard.
I think what Melissa's trying to say is, and I hope I don't want to put words into your mouth, darling, but she worked in the fashion business for so many years now, and she's travelled the world a hell of a lot, so, living on the island, she finds a bit claustrophobic.
Would I be right in saying that? Yeah, maybe.
And she's just used to a certain kind of person with a certain kind of zhuzh! Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Anybody want any wine? We've all got one, Lynn.
Well, I'm getting one.
Larry, what was that wonderful little word you used? Zhuzh.
That's it, wonderful! Zhuzh.
I'm sorry about that, Melissa.
I suppose the island isn't for everybody.
Well, Sue, I suppose sometimes it can seem a little backwards.
- No, I've never said that.
- No, I never said you have.
But it sounds like I've said that and you're making me come across like a bit of an arse.
No, I'm so sorry, darling.
I didn't intend that at all.
Everyone, please, she didn't say that, she would never say that.
Chardonnay? We've all got one, Lynn.
So, Ray how long have you lived here? 35 years.
Wow, that's extraordinary.
Down the hatch.
Dad used to work on the ferries, Melissa.
He was one of their top engineers.
I wouldn't say "top", David.
Obviously, you've travelled more than I have, Ray.
Back and forth to Portsmouth, ten times a day! Cheeky one, lovely stuff! And you've never, ever wanted to live anywhere else? No, no, we love it.
Don't we, Suzie? Oh, yes.
The Isle of Wight is our own version of paradise.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, I mean, I know it was a long, long, long, long, time ago, but you and Larry you just strike me as such an odd couple.
Yeah, I mean, I just can't imagine you being together.
Yes, definite hint of aggressive lemon peel.
- Shall I just clear away the plates? - I'll help you.
Thank you.
Sorry we have to go, but we're meeting up with some of Melissa's friends later for a drink Oh, well, nice to see you both.
- Well.
Good to see you, Donna.
- Bye.
Look after this one.
He needs it! Mustn't leave it so long next time, eh? No, you should pop over to ours at some point.
What I mean is, we're going to San Fran at the end of the summer.
I'm sure we can sort something out.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Larry! - Bye.
- Bye.
Bye, Dad.
Andre, step back from the car, that's a good lad! - What's that? - A bag of dead rats.
- Jesus Christ.
- I found them in Ray's shed.
Mum? - What? - Well, what did that mean? I don't know why your dad bothers turning up.
- Well, at least he did.
- As usual, it's all about him.
Well, and her! - Not now, Mum, please.
- What's going on? Nothing, can you stay out of it? - Suzie? - We're just talking about Larry.
- Right, well you know what I think about him.
- Here we go, this should be good.
Sorry, can't I have an opinion in my own house? - Everything all right? - Everything's fine, Donna, love.
- Can we get you a glass of Schloer? - No, I'm okay, thank you.
- Go on, let me get you a glass.
- Mum, she said she's okay.
Can you stop fussing, please? Have a bit of respect for your mother.
All right, well why don't you have a bit of respect for my dad? - You've been digging at him all afternoon.
- I have.
- And I wouldn't piss on him if he was alight.
- Ray, stop it! When's he going to wake up? We all know he's not going to visit him.
You love making me feel uncomfortable, don't you? For goodness' sake, both of you! You don't even try and get on with my dad, do you? At least he makes an effort.
He makes an effort? He didn't want to even come today! - Ray! - What are you on about? He told me he got tickets for the Goodwood Races and he got all bolshie when I told him he should be here to celebrate your 40th.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? I'm just telling you, that's your dad for you, Simon.
He couldn't give a shit about anybody else but himself.
- I'm going home.
- Good, about time.
And I know you're making Mum sell the house and I know she doesn't want to! But it's all about you, Ray, isn't it? - It's always about what you want - Fucking shut up, Simon! - Are you going to tell him, Dad? - What? - He should know.
- What should I know? Doesn't matter.
No, you've said it now.
What do I need to know, David? What do I need to know? He's been having some tests on his heart.
What? They think he's got the beginning of heart disease.
How long have you known, Ray? I've gone a bit downhill since Christmas, if I'm honest.
But, I mean, I'm 72, and that's what happens.
None of us are getting any younger.
No, but you've got an appointment, haven't you, love? Next month, on the mainland, with a top specialist.
He's one of the best.
He'll open me up, have a rummage around, and then put me back to normal.
Why didn't you tell me? We didn't want to spoil your weekend, son.
That's why we're moving, love.
Ray needs to be closer to the shops.
It'll be easier for him.
Sue, Sue! I found a bottle of fizzy in the kitchen.
Anyone want a drop? The old pisshead's drunk half of it.
I'm sorry, Ray.
I didn't mean what I said.
It's just water under the bridge.
I want us to get on.
Miracles do happen.
Oh, yeah.
I'm thinking of asking Donna to marry me.
That's great.
That's good.
- You've got a good 'un there.
- Yeah.
And so has she.
- Do you fancy a dance? - Piss off.
Oi, Simon! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no - Oh, yes, come on! Come on! Come and have a dance with your old mother! Go on, have a dance with your mum! - Hasn't it been a lovely day? - It's been a wonderful day! There's something I've been meaning to say to you.
What's that? Fire away.
If you're ever feeling lonely, I'm just up the road.
Okay.
Well, that's very good of you.
I'm serious.
Thank you.
- Do you want a drink? - No.
Do you want me to take a photo of you all? But, Donna, you've got to be in it, because you're part of the family now! I'll put it on the timer then.
Quick, quick, everybody in! Simon, before you go home, do you think we can get together for a few hours and go through the pension plan I've got for you? Have a day off, Dad.
The table's here, we've got to sit round it to have lunch, so maybe you should throw them in the flower bed? Very good, Ray, you should write that down.
By the way, your front nearside tyre's bald.
- You need to get it replaced.
- Okay.
Have you sorted your pension out? Are we really talking about this on my birthday? Ray! Haven't you finished yet? Simon's dad and Melissa will be here soon.
With his help, we'll be done by Christmas.
Those chairs are looking a bit tatty! Well, it's all we've got, unless you want me to magic a new set out of my arse.
I need you today, Ray.
I really do! I've been thinking, when I get married, I'd like a gazebo at my wedding reception.
What don't you concentrate on getting a girlfriend, and worry about the awnings later? Yep, no, point well made! Stop shouting, David! Yes, keep the volume nice and low.
You're just getting prepared, mate, aren't you? Just in case.
Absolutely.
Love can hit you when you least expect it.
I mean, you don't know, but I might fall in love tomorrow! I bloody hope not, you're coming with me to pick a load of plasterboard up tomorrow, and I'm not marrying you! Everything looks great.
I hope so, Donna.
I've been up since five.
- Should be a nice day, shouldn't it? - Yes.
To be honest though, I've been on and off the loo all morning.
Are you okay? I thought I'd had a funny grapefruit.
I'm very sensitive to citrus, I'm the same with warm orange juice, it just goes through me like a tap.
But actually, I think it's nerves.
Larry and I have hardly been in the same room since he left.
Oh, right.
Yeah, of course.
Listen to me going on! I've got to finish this! - What is it? - This is my famous egg mayonnaise, with secret ingredient.
I've never, ever told anybody what it is.
Would you like to know what it is, Donna? Yeah.
Right.
Well, I use egg, mayonnaise, salt, pepper, and I use a teaspoon of mustard powder.
Right, thank you for that.
Mum's the word.
I won't tell a soul.
Do you want me to make the salad? You're a guest! You can't be making the salad! No, I want to, let me.
No, no, you just relax, Donna.
I'll get you a drink.
I'm all right for a drink, Sue.
I really want to make the salad.
Are you sure I can't get you a drink? What about an orange squash? Or there's fresh orange in the shed? - I really want to make the salad.
- No.
I'm not having it.
I'm going to open you a bottle of Schloer.
It's Simon's 40th.
I'd really like to contribute to the day, please.
I'm not having you going back to the mainland and saying that I let you make lunch.
Now, go on! Go on! Off you go! Go on Hop it! Hop it.
Hop it.
Andre, it's Simon's birthday today and we're having a little party in the garden, so this is a bit inconvenient.
Oh, hello.
This is Sheena.
We met in the pub last night.
- Oh, right.
- Hello, Sheena.
Hi.
She's got the flu.
Oh, dear.
Is it all right if she waits in the car until I finish the work, Ray? Andre - the point is - I won £100 on the fruit machine last night.
Did you? Right.
I promised to take her to the Premier Inn in Newport later, so we can have sex.
Oh, right.
Well, look, sorry, but we're in the garden, but can you clear out the back shed.
Right? And just try to stay out of sight, okay? - Thanks, boss.
- You're welcome.
See you in a bit, Sheena.
Sue, please, is there anything I can do to help? Oh, sorry, I thought you were Sue.
Oh, no, no, I'm Lynn, Sue's friend, from up the road.
Nice to meet you.
- You must be Donna.
- Yes.
Would you like a little glass of white wine? No, I'm fine, thanks.
Well, I'm going to have another one.
It is a party after all, isn't it? Sue tells me this is your first time on the Isle of Wight.
Yeah, yeah, it's lovely, isn't it? I've been here nearly 20 years.
I moved here with my husband Jack, for his work.
- He was a prison officer.
- Oh, okay.
Then he died.
Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
But then my luck turned and I found my Ken, - the second love of my life.
- Oh, that's nice.
Then he died.
Are you sure you don't want a glass of white wine? No, no, honestly, I'm fine.
Donna, you're not too hot, are you? Because I can open some windows.
No, I'm okay, thanks.
- Let me know if you want me to.
- Okay.
You'll like this.
I was hoovering and Donna thought I was you! - Did you, Donna? - Yeah.
Simon, Lynn was hoovering and Donna mistook her for me.
- Did you? - Yeah? She thought we look similar.
Right, I've never really thought about it.
Ray! I was in the hall and Donna thought I was Sue! She thinks we look similar! The Eagles, as they say, have landed.
Ray, Ray! They're here! Come on, darling, you'll be fine.
All right, Dad? Bear with us, guys.
Melissa had one too many drinks last night.
- And she's feeling a teensy bit fragile.
- Oh, my God.
In you go.
Nice of her to turn up pissed.
Don't start, Ray.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hi, Sue.
- Hi, Larry.
- Hi Can I get you anything, Melissa? - Sue, I feel so awful.
- Oh, no.
I shouldn't really be like this on your birthday, Simon.
- I'm really sorry.
- It's alright.
Don't worry about it.
Is there anywhere she could get a bit of shut-eye for five mins? Yeah, I just think if I had a little power snoozie, I would feel so much better.
Well, you could have a little lie-down on the sofa.
No, I don't think so.
Is there anywhere else that I could go where I could be alone and in complete darkness? We could stick you in the chest freezer, if you want? She could lie on our bed, couldn't she, Ray? Oh, God, Christ, no, God.
I wouldn't want to make a scene, I just feel really nauseous.
Honestly, it's fine.
Do you know what, no, I've got this, I'm going to be fine.
I'm going to be fine.
I'll be fine in a bit.
Really.
I will.
No, if you want to have a lie-down, you have a lie-down, darling.
It's okay if she has a lie-down, isn't it, Sue? Yes, it's fine.
David, will you show Melissa up to our bedroom, please? - At your service, m'lady.
- I just want to say, I'm so sorry, I hate making a fuss.
I really do.
I hate it.
Hate it.
- I love you.
- Sorry, Simon.
- It's alright.
Don't worry about it.
- Come this way.
I don't drink myself, so I've never actually had a hangover, but what I famously overindulge in is Netflix and granola.
Thanks.
It's from the exhibition we went to.
I'd forgotten about this! Well, we remembered you liked it, so Ray went back to get it for you.
I love it.
Thank you! And now for my present.
I was toying with the idea of giving you a condolence card, which would have been superb, seeing it's your 40th! Anyway, here's your present.
It's brilliant.
Thanks.
Well, let's see what it looks like on.
I can have a guess.
Yeah, let's have a look.
That's nice.
It's really nice.
Go on, then, Fonzie, I'll have a milkshake.
- Very funny.
Go on, turn round.
- No.
I'm not going to turn around.
Turn round, let's see if it fits you nice and snug.
No, you can say as much as you like, I'm not turning round.
He wouldn't make much of a catwalk model, would he, Sue? - No.
- He looks like a prat! No, joking apart, it's really lovely.
Okay, thanks.
Would you like some more quiche, Donna? No, no, I'm okay, thanks.
You can have some of mine.
Mum, she's said she's okay.
And there's some left anyway.
This is a lovely drop of vino! - Is it, Lynn? - Yes.
It's as if 100,000 little gooseberries had taken on a whole new lease of life.
- Does it make sense? - Absolutely, 100%.
Well, it's very nice.
Simon.
Tell your dad about your new job.
Oh, spill the beams.
Well, I'm in London now.
Been there about six months.
I'm sort of hoping to get some bigger projects, but it's going all right, yeah, it's going well.
That's nice to hear, really good.
And we're going to try and save a bit of money and get a deposit - Here she comes! - Oh, God, she's back.
Are you feeling better, my love? Sorry, Simon.
- Come and sit down, come on.
- Hi, everyone.
Over there, see? Come and sit down.
There you go.
- Am I okay here? - Take it easy.
Sorry about that.
It's okay, just take it nice and easy.
There you go.
Would you like something to eat, Melissa? Oh, God, no.
Oh, thank you, though.
No, I just I just don't think I can eat anything right now.
I can.
Pass us the sausages.
There you are.
Sue, this is lovely.
Thank you, Donna, that's very kind.
Are you okay, darling? What's troubling you? Sorry is it okay if we move the egg away from me, please? Is that all right? It's just, I can't stand the smell of eggs and I just got a massive whiff of it then.
Eggs are like, literally, my worst nightmare.
I'm really sorry.
It's okay, we can move the egg.
It's okay to move the egg, Sue, isn't it? David, will you move the eggs, please? Yes, yes, of course.
I just got another massive whiff of it.
It's not your fault.
Is that better for you, now? Could you put a plate on it, Ray? Is that okay? - Then Melissa can't see it.
- Sorry, is that all right? Look, why I don't I just pop it in the kitchen and then I can top everyone up? Pass it to me.
Thank you, thank you.
I fancied a bit more egg, but don't worry about me.
- You okay, darling? - Yeah.
Melissa? Donna knows Anne Hegerty, don't you, Donna? Not really, I don't "know" her.
- Wow! Who's Anne Hegerty? - She's in the TV programme The Chase.
The Chase.
Donna used to live next door to her.
It was the next village, but if you don't know her, then it doesn't mean anything - What's up, pal? - Hi, everyone.
I won a bit of money on the fruit machine last night.
- So, I bought you all a chocolate bar.
- How lovely! But you shouldn't go spending your money on us, Andre.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Ohh, me too! I didn't get you one, cos I don't know you.
Hey, dude, that's not a problem.
- What a shame.
- Nice one, Andre.
And, Sue, thanks for the wardrobe.
You're welcome, I'm glad it could be put to good use, Andre.
Yeah, I burnt it to heat me caravan.
I got that from John Lewis! So, how did you two meet, Melissa? Are we okay to talk about this? - Sue? - Fine.
Well, let's do it.
Okay, all right So, I'm bisexual.
Yeah, so before Larry and I met, I was mostly into women.
I guess I just really like the female form.
But I realise that sexuality isn't an exact science.
It isn't.
And after years of relationships with women, I met Larry.
And I was just really surprised and shocked to find him attractive.
Thank you.
I love you.
Can I get you anything, Donna? I'm all right, thanks.
So, do you still like women, Melissa? David, pack it in.
If you want to leave me, I wouldn't blame you.
I'd get out of this family, if I could.
- That's never going to happen.
- Oh, yeah? But it might, if your mother doesn't stop fussing over me.
You just carry on! Don't mind me! All right, Mum.
All right, Simon, out you go! - What? Go on! Tell him, tell him, Donna.
- Do as your mum says.
Oh, right, yeah.
Do you want to take the cake out, Donna? It's alright, you can take it.
No, no, you take it out.
No, you made it, you should take it.
Simon doesn't want me taking it out.
- Course he does.
- No, you take it out.
- Okay, I'll take it.
- Right.
- Will you light the candles? - Yeah.
Just give me a sec, cos I'm going to film it.
Blow, blow! Thank you! What? It hasn't recorded! Now, why hasn't that recorded? Bloody hell, Sue! You've got it on camera! Oh, no! Donna, can we do it again? - I haven't videoed it.
- Are you serious, Mum? - Yeah, is that okay, Donna? - Yeah, okay.
We can't do it again! It's mental! - No, we can! - Oh, my God.
Sorry about this, Melissa! - Right.
- Are you ready, Sue? Hang on, hang on.
Yes, ready, Donna! I don't believe it.
- What now? - It hasn't recorded again! - Oh, Mum! - Oh, no! Only joking! So, Melissa, how are you liking living on the island? To be honest, I'm really struggling.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
It's It's hard, it's been hard.
I think what Melissa's trying to say is, and I hope I don't want to put words into your mouth, darling, but she worked in the fashion business for so many years now, and she's travelled the world a hell of a lot, so, living on the island, she finds a bit claustrophobic.
Would I be right in saying that? Yeah, maybe.
And she's just used to a certain kind of person with a certain kind of zhuzh! Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Anybody want any wine? We've all got one, Lynn.
Well, I'm getting one.
Larry, what was that wonderful little word you used? Zhuzh.
That's it, wonderful! Zhuzh.
I'm sorry about that, Melissa.
I suppose the island isn't for everybody.
Well, Sue, I suppose sometimes it can seem a little backwards.
- No, I've never said that.
- No, I never said you have.
But it sounds like I've said that and you're making me come across like a bit of an arse.
No, I'm so sorry, darling.
I didn't intend that at all.
Everyone, please, she didn't say that, she would never say that.
Chardonnay? We've all got one, Lynn.
So, Ray how long have you lived here? 35 years.
Wow, that's extraordinary.
Down the hatch.
Dad used to work on the ferries, Melissa.
He was one of their top engineers.
I wouldn't say "top", David.
Obviously, you've travelled more than I have, Ray.
Back and forth to Portsmouth, ten times a day! Cheeky one, lovely stuff! And you've never, ever wanted to live anywhere else? No, no, we love it.
Don't we, Suzie? Oh, yes.
The Isle of Wight is our own version of paradise.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, I mean, I know it was a long, long, long, long, time ago, but you and Larry you just strike me as such an odd couple.
Yeah, I mean, I just can't imagine you being together.
Yes, definite hint of aggressive lemon peel.
- Shall I just clear away the plates? - I'll help you.
Thank you.
Sorry we have to go, but we're meeting up with some of Melissa's friends later for a drink Oh, well, nice to see you both.
- Well.
Good to see you, Donna.
- Bye.
Look after this one.
He needs it! Mustn't leave it so long next time, eh? No, you should pop over to ours at some point.
What I mean is, we're going to San Fran at the end of the summer.
I'm sure we can sort something out.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Larry! - Bye.
- Bye.
Bye, Dad.
Andre, step back from the car, that's a good lad! - What's that? - A bag of dead rats.
- Jesus Christ.
- I found them in Ray's shed.
Mum? - What? - Well, what did that mean? I don't know why your dad bothers turning up.
- Well, at least he did.
- As usual, it's all about him.
Well, and her! - Not now, Mum, please.
- What's going on? Nothing, can you stay out of it? - Suzie? - We're just talking about Larry.
- Right, well you know what I think about him.
- Here we go, this should be good.
Sorry, can't I have an opinion in my own house? - Everything all right? - Everything's fine, Donna, love.
- Can we get you a glass of Schloer? - No, I'm okay, thank you.
- Go on, let me get you a glass.
- Mum, she said she's okay.
Can you stop fussing, please? Have a bit of respect for your mother.
All right, well why don't you have a bit of respect for my dad? - You've been digging at him all afternoon.
- I have.
- And I wouldn't piss on him if he was alight.
- Ray, stop it! When's he going to wake up? We all know he's not going to visit him.
You love making me feel uncomfortable, don't you? For goodness' sake, both of you! You don't even try and get on with my dad, do you? At least he makes an effort.
He makes an effort? He didn't want to even come today! - Ray! - What are you on about? He told me he got tickets for the Goodwood Races and he got all bolshie when I told him he should be here to celebrate your 40th.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? I'm just telling you, that's your dad for you, Simon.
He couldn't give a shit about anybody else but himself.
- I'm going home.
- Good, about time.
And I know you're making Mum sell the house and I know she doesn't want to! But it's all about you, Ray, isn't it? - It's always about what you want - Fucking shut up, Simon! - Are you going to tell him, Dad? - What? - He should know.
- What should I know? Doesn't matter.
No, you've said it now.
What do I need to know, David? What do I need to know? He's been having some tests on his heart.
What? They think he's got the beginning of heart disease.
How long have you known, Ray? I've gone a bit downhill since Christmas, if I'm honest.
But, I mean, I'm 72, and that's what happens.
None of us are getting any younger.
No, but you've got an appointment, haven't you, love? Next month, on the mainland, with a top specialist.
He's one of the best.
He'll open me up, have a rummage around, and then put me back to normal.
Why didn't you tell me? We didn't want to spoil your weekend, son.
That's why we're moving, love.
Ray needs to be closer to the shops.
It'll be easier for him.
Sue, Sue! I found a bottle of fizzy in the kitchen.
Anyone want a drop? The old pisshead's drunk half of it.
I'm sorry, Ray.
I didn't mean what I said.
It's just water under the bridge.
I want us to get on.
Miracles do happen.
Oh, yeah.
I'm thinking of asking Donna to marry me.
That's great.
That's good.
- You've got a good 'un there.
- Yeah.
And so has she.
- Do you fancy a dance? - Piss off.
Oi, Simon! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no - Oh, yes, come on! Come on! Come and have a dance with your old mother! Go on, have a dance with your mum! - Hasn't it been a lovely day? - It's been a wonderful day! There's something I've been meaning to say to you.
What's that? Fire away.
If you're ever feeling lonely, I'm just up the road.
Okay.
Well, that's very good of you.
I'm serious.
Thank you.
- Do you want a drink? - No.
Do you want me to take a photo of you all? But, Donna, you've got to be in it, because you're part of the family now! I'll put it on the timer then.
Quick, quick, everybody in! Simon, before you go home, do you think we can get together for a few hours and go through the pension plan I've got for you? Have a day off, Dad.