The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 I'm Anthony Bourdain, and I travel the globe to find the world's most unusual foods.
This is Unknown Parts.
Today I'm in Himalayas.
High above the desert, with chef Manuk Manush.
Cooks up unbelievable delicacies.
In his one table restaurant.
Well, this is so exciting.
You know when something is fantastic is when it tastes good in your mouth and you haven't even eaten it yet.
This is a family delicacy.
Mmm.
That's so good.
Surprising but yet familiar.
The spices are so sophisticated, and there's so many different tastes that are overlapping, and the texture is very familiar.
It's amazing.
So tell me, what am I eating? Balls.
Animal testicles.
Oh, that's fine.
Mm-mm.
No.
No, too easy.
How you say, man balls.
Hmm? Ball actual Actual balls.
Good, good.
Next up Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no.
My yurt is your yurt.
Here, try this one.
- Mmm.
- Ah? Now, this this I love.
This is absolutely fantastic.
What is this? Also balls.
Oh, God.
Here, try this one.
- I'm so embarrassed.
- No! I have tasted food all over the world.
Please, you think this is the first time this ever happened to me? Mmm.
Ah! Now, come on.
Now, this tastes like ass.
That's exactly what that is.
That's ass.
- That's ass.
- Yes.
No shit.
No, just a little bit.
I tried to clean it the best that I could.
- Good morning.
- Hey.
Have a good weekend? Are you really asking, or are you just being nice? Either way, I did shrooms.
What about you? Something great kind of just happened.
I found out I got nominated for a Kid Critics Award.
Oh, weird.
No, it's good, for all the animated stuff.
You don't do it for awards, you know, but it's nice 'cause it's for it's for the kids, and their parents all know me, so it gives them something to bond about, I guess.
But it's kind of fun.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, totes.
Whoa.
Oh, that is so nice.
You really didn't have to do this.
Look at that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know actually somebody Uh, someone sent this to Josh.
He was nominated for Kid Critics Award.
- Josh was? - Yes.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Hello.
- Hey.
How are you? Do you see what this is? Yeah, that's something.
That's great.
- Right? - That's really great.
Yeah, I didn't I didn't realize that you were nominated.
- Crazy.
- Yeah, crazy.
I was nominated too.
No.
No, I was.
- What? - I'm serious.
Billy, congratulations.
Don't kiss.
Hey, Billy, I'm embarrassed.
I would have had a basket for you if I'd known that you were No, no, don't be silly.
- It is not, not a big deal.
- Do you want a cantaloupe? After all, it's the Kid Critics Award I don't even know what it's called.
That's what it's called.
That's what it's called? All right, yeah.
Hey, Josh.
You sent this.
No, no.
I think my agent did.
The card says, "Sent by" My agent sent it.
My agent sent it.
Um, yeah, you know, I think it's safe to say I know the winner.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- This guy.
- You're gonna win.
- No, you kidding? - You're a lock.
- No, no, no.
I mean, the movie's fantastic.
It was great.
You're you're great in it, so no.
Plus, you know what, I already won this thing twice.
- This one? - Yeah.
Both Monsters movies.
So, you know For the full franchise.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I got well, I collected a bunch of awards for What was that called? Frozen.
So, listen, so whatever happens is just gravy, right? Oh, great.
Now I'm hungry.
I was hungry when you said "frozen.
" Because frozen food.
I'm so sorry to interrupt, but the network did want to get on the phone for a conference call the second you got in.
- You mean now? - Yes.
- Oh, this can't be good.
- What? I should probably jump in on that call.
This is not good.
Wait, why is a conference call not good? We have taped two shows.
We have fired two directors.
You know, they're freaking out.
Point of fact: we fired Larry.
Jamie quit because she couldn't work with us.
Why don't you bring that up when we talk to Denis? Hey, guys, where did we land with me being on that call? Oh I'm sorry.
You guys are actually gonna be filming everything, huh? That's great.
That's great.
That's good.
Should I test a little bit? Testing, testing, one, two, three.
Why don't you come down a little bit, if you don't mind? I don't want you to catch the top of my head.
Yeah, that's great.
Are we on mute? - We're on hold.
- Put it on mute.
Oh.
We are.
We have to be proactive.
We have a plan.
We have a replacement director in mind.
Oh.
Who are we thinking? No.
We di We don't have It doesn't matter, Josh.
We just have to look confident.
Right.
If they sense any weakness - Hello? - Hello.
Hello? Is anybody - Hello.
- Denis, hi.
Hello.
Hello.
Anybody.
Hello.
Hi.
- Hello.
Hello, Denis.
- Happy Thursday.
That yes.
So hi, and forgive me for just diving in right away.
No, it's fine.
Actually, we're glad I just want to Sorry, what? - I'm sorry, what? - Sorry.
If I'm sorry.
Denis, you start.
Gotcha.
Um, so we just wanted to congratulate you guys on the Kid Critics Award nomination.
- Well deserved, gentlemen.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much, as Billy just said.
We're both so honored.
Billy's gonna win.
No, no.
We're rooting for a tie.
Listen, guys, I don't want to pretend that the road has not been bumpy on the launch of the show, with Larry and then Jamie Listen, about that, Denis, I have some thought If I may.
If I may.
Yeah, sure.
Sure.
And every creative endeavor has its birthing pains, and I'm frankly not worried about this.
Now, this awards show is a great opportunity for us to get things back on track and garner some good press, so we would like you guys to go to the event as a team.
Do the red carpet together, the whole deal.
We'll even We'll even send a limo, so you guys can arrive at the event together.
Ooh.
Oh.
Well, well, Does FX have, like, a special limo? Um, no.
No, we'll just be ordering a regular limo.
Oh.
Uh, Denis, that sounds great.
Listen, about this replacement director Nope.
Nope.
No, no, no.
Don't need to know that.
We defer to your judgment on that matter.
You guys are the creative geniuses.
We are just here to give you support.
Wow, that's great, Denis.
Thank you so much.
Great.
Oh, hey, and by the way, you know that September 7th premiere date is not set in stone.
If you guys need more time No, no, no, no! Um, uh September 7th is great.
That would be great.
Although would we be paid extra for that Denis, we're good with September 7th.
Listen, can I put you on hold just for a second? - Sure, yeah.
- Sorry.
- Mute.
Mute.
- Sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- What is the matter with you? If he says that we push the premiere date.
Well, we might as well be dead.
If words gets out that we in trouble with production.
He never said he never said we're troubled.
He doesn't have to say it.
You have to learn to read between the lines, Josh.
If he says it's not set in stone, what he's really saying is, "We're shitting the bed, and we're pulling the plug.
" - We shit the bed.
- Wait, pulling the plug? - Shitting the bed? What? Jesus.
- Yes.
Yeah, yeah, I'm telling you, if we push this premiere date, the whole town smells blood in the water.
We might as well be like those little stupid salty fish that they throw to sharks in the The sardines.
- Anchovies.
- Chum.
Why would you throw an anchovy at a shark? They're not picky about what kind of fish they eat.
It doesn't You don't dangle a bag of anchovies.
You dangle chum.
- It's chum.
- Is it chum? You want me to come down and chum some of this shit? We're gonna need a bigger boat.
- How amazing is that movie? - Amazing.
Which movie is that? Jaws.
It was the first summer blockbuster.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Denis? We think that the September 7th is no problem.
We're fine with that.
We prefer that.
Great, well, it sounds like you guys have everything under control We do.
And kick some butt on the red carpet.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
You're welcome, Denis.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
- Whoo! - Great.
All right.
Ooh.
Oh.
Snack run.
Excellent.
Yeah, it's magical what I get to do here.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, you're probably wondering: Why the shirt? Not really.
Normally I would never wear this to work.
It's just Whoa.
Hey, buddy, red enough for ya? - Look out.
- Oh.
Yeah.
It's just, I got my improv show tonight, so I'm on the red team, and I don't think I'll have time to change before I got to get across town, jump onstage, boom.
You're standing in front of my bag.
Am I? Oh, dear.
Let's remedy that situation.
Here you go.
You probably heard of my improv group.
I'm on Hell Toupee.
It's actually two words: Hell Toupee.
Like the man wig.
Like not "hell to pay.
" Hell Toupee.
- Man wig.
- Exactly.
You should come check us out.
I could get you in for free.
They charge money for improv? Ah.
Yeah, but I really don't like comedy.
Right.
As an artist can touch one child, then here's to touching many more ch If what I do as an artist can bring laughter and joy to even one child's life, then I dedicate this award to all the children of the world.
- Billy.
- Hey.
Hey.
I didn't see you there.
What's up? I was just working on a speech on the way-off-chance that you get robbed and I win that stupid award.
Oh, no way, no way.
You're winning.
- No.
Okay.
- Oh, it's a lock.
- Stop with the humble game.
- Josh, it's a lock.
No, no, no, no.
You're fantastic in it.
- It's a lock.
It's done.
- Thank you.
I just want to make sure everything would be cool between us.
Josh, of course it'd be cool between us.
- Because this - Are you kidding? Is what matters.
Absolutely.
Not this.
Of course not.
Josh, it's the Kid Critics Award.
Right? I mean, what am I gonna move off the mantel to make room for this? My Tony? Yeah, I was nominated Six Emmys.
- Six of them? - Yeah.
The People's Choice.
Oh, you got that too.
The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.
- What am I gonna do? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
I got it.
Good.
You know, kids are the future.
I have four grandchildren now.
Josh.
Josh? Josh.
Hey, Josh.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey.
Hey.
Oh, dude.
Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Hey.
This is uh I have something with my eyes so, medical You're early, bud.
I'm on time.
Yes, that's what I meant.
Yeah, we have the thing we got to go to.
- Hi, I'm Billy.
- This is Clifford.
This is Billy Crystal.
Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- Hey, man.
- How you doing? I'm a huge admirer.
- Oh, hey, thanks.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
The Battle of the Network Stars, 1978.
You crushed Letterman, bro.
Well, that's a long - Yeah, man.
- That's a long time ago, the World record holder in The $10,000 Pyramid.
Yes, I am.
26 seconds left.
That's wow.
Why don't you suck his dick if you like him so much? Jesus Christ.
Are you kidding? Clifford and I went to college together at Carnegie Mellon.
Oh, really? Oh, that's good.
Yeah, Clifford did Were you in the acting program too? - Yeah.
- He was for a year.
For one year, before he was cut.
Yeah, apparently I didn't suck enough dicks.
That's low, bro.
May I offer you some of this? Stop it, Clifford.
- Jesus, man.
- Clifford, thanks.
Thank you, but it's okay.
No, don't do that.
You don't offer a legend weed, you stupid face.
Hey, listen, man, I grew up I went through the '60s and the '70s, you know? I smoked a lot of dope in my time.
- No, no, no, Billy.
- I just it just you know You know, you're acting like your grandfather - just walked down here.
- That's not what I meant.
You know, you're my nephews, and I trusted you down here.
Look what you did to my apartment.
That's something Your grandmother died down here.
How did she die? How did she die? She died of smoking that, and she ate a marble cake that was Choked on.
- Where did she get the marble cake? - So funny, Billy.
I don't know where she got the marble cake.
I was just giving you an excuse to use the voice again.
- I didn't mean to call you out.
- That's all right.
It's not a goddamn Second City improv sketch.
So, Josh, we should really get - Yeah.
- We should get going.
By the way, I didn't mean to insult you with this stuff.
- I was just - You're not insulting me.
I just you know, medical Medicinal marijuana is a lot stronger than the stuff you had in your day.
My day? What, did I live in a dead-ball era? I don't know what the reference is, so I can't answer that.
- Is it Clifford? - Yeah, man.
Would you do me one favor? Could you step outside just for a second? Guys, you too? Would you just step outside? I just want to talk to Josh alone just for a second.
Sure.
Wow.
Okay.
Clifford, take your Oh, thanks, man.
What's up, doggie? What are you guys What are you shooting? We decided not to smoke any pot.
Yeah.
No, we couldn't.
Because this is a very, very big - It's big.
- It's a big night.
- It's a big night.
- It's very exciting.
You can't - Oh, Billy.
- What? - You know what I see? - What? - A supermarket.
- Oh, good.
- Look, we should go.
- Yeah.
I could use some snacks.
And I need some eye drops, 'cause my eyes are very dry.
Is it they get very dry this time of year.
Look at all this stuff.
You ever think about the bounty of America? You know? Somewhere in the world right now people are just shitting on the street.
Yeah, outside on Fairfax and Sunset.
Do it all the time.
- Shh.
- Oh.
Those are salty.
These are really salty.
Very salty.
I'd like to thank the Academy.
- Ahh.
- You're gonna like that.
What is that? Are those dildos? No, they're French breads.
Oh, those baguettes.
Pleasure Chest.
I went in there once.
It was my brother's bachelor party, and I wanted to buy all these sexual toys, and he held up, like, a 4-foot dick, and I said, "How much is it?" And he goes, "I don't know.
"Lenny, I need a price.
"The Jamaican Nightmare.
How much?" I was at my friend's bachelor party.
I put a real dildo in my ass.
To make the guys laugh.
Lenny.
How much? - Wow, that's a weird story.
- Yeah.
What do you got there? Uh, nothing.
It's just Oh, boy.
Freedom.
Hi, this is Sammy Davis Jr.
For jam.
You know, when the kids come over and you don't know what to make, you don't know what to cook, everything's better with jam.
Well, the grape, or you got the raspberry.
Black cherry I particularly like.
Because that was my nickname when I was a kid.
Look.
Look at the detail.
- Ah! - Oh! Don't do that.
No, don't do that.
I am so up.
How's things in SeaWorld? Pissed, huh? I just saw your story on CNN.
Hey.
He's been cramped up.
He's been cramped up.
He's not happy.
You wanna go, Blackfish? Let's go.
You stop it.
He's been in a tank that's way too small for him.
Do I look like one of those pussy trainers? Come here.
No! No, Shamu! No! Shamu, no! You really haven't been to a supermarket until you've been to a supermarket with Billy Crystal.
And my sense is that Billy Crystal hasn't been to a supermarket in a long, long time.
Good night, Esme.
Night.
You look nice.
Oh, yeah, I have a date with this super lame dude.
It's almost not worth a free dinner.
- Yeah, I've been there.
- Yeah.
I'll just get shit-faced.
Oh, fun.
Sounds like fun.
Well, have a good Have a good time.
Esme, um, could I ask you something? Mm-hmm.
So last week when Jamie was here, Jamie Dobbs, and, by the way, if this is too personal, you do not have to answer.
Oh, I don't care.
Just ask.
Okay.
Have you ever kissed a woman? Oh, Kristen, this is so sweet, and I'm supes flattered, but no, thank you.
Oh, I was talking about Jamie.
No, relax, it's fine.
I know.
Ah.
And, like, I'm not against the girl thing, but, like, I don't totally feel it here.
No, no, no, that would be inappropriate.
- I wasn't at all.
- Good night.
Um I like men! Oh Mmm.
Do you even care about the award? Honestly.
Sure.
Sure, I care.
I always care.
You never stop caring.
That's weird, right? But that's the way it's supposed to be, I think.
I'm scared of you.
I get that.
That was so funny.
Oh, shit.
99¢ for Analyze That.
Don't let Billy see that.
Let's just bury that.
Where is Billy? Billy? Billy! Buddy! We're really late! Have you seen a Billy Crystal type? Oh.
Billy! - Billy! - Excuse me, sir.
We caught your dad trying to shoplift a large inflatable dolphin.
My my dad? - Sir.
- Free Willy! Sir, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Mm-mm.
Not too bright.
Not too bright at all, gentlemen.
Yeah, I know, that is my fault, Officer.
- No - No.
When I see an inflatable fish, I got to ride it.
I was raised by whales.
Don't do this.
Don't do that.
What are you, a comedian? Sir, if I may, my friend and I, we have to get - to this red-carpet thing.
- Yeah.
You know what, your carpet is gonna have to wait.
Is there any way we can speed this along? You people really have a sense of entitlement.
Who exactly are you talking to? Jewish people or No, I mean, look at the way you're dressed.
- These are on loan.
- It was just a prank.
- It was just for - And these are on loan.
We actually didn't buy these.
- I own this one.
- Serious? From the Oscars? Actually, I get 'em for free.
I have, like, 26.
This is my only one, - and I don't even own it.
- Yeah.
Do you have kids by any chance? I do.
I have a son in high school, two daughters in elementary school.
Get out of here.
Do your kids by any chance happen to be fans of Disney's Frozen? That was very cool.
- Yeah.
- Quick thinking.
You know, I got to do the Olaf phone call all the time, so I figured, - the guy's got kids.
- Yeah, I know.
I've been there.
- It works.
- Been there.
Yeah, Wazowksi.
Ooh, I got to tell you, Josh, pot is a lot stronger than it used to be.
Yep.
How did you manage to keep it together? Practice.
Lots of practice.
- Yeah.
- Wasn't easy, though.
I smoked, like, 3/4 of that bowl because I didn't want you to get too high.
- You did that? - I did.
- For me? - Yeah.
For you.
Thanks.
Okay.
Pull it together, kid.
Pull it together.
How do I look? Like a star.
Like a goddamn star.
Well, two nominees went AWOL at last night's Kid Critics Awards, Billy Crystal and Josh Gad.
The award wound up going to Channing Tatum for his work in the animated feature Kid Commando, but event organizers seemed mighty bent out of shape at Crystal and Gad who costar in the upcoming Billy & Josh Show for FX.
Meanwhile in other news, One Direction has announced new tour dates.
Let's push the premiere date.
How tall are you? 5'7 and a half.
I'm 5'8.
- Boom.
- In those shoes? Somebody is jealous.
I'm Billy Crystal and I'm a jealous man.
Oh.
I'm in a nightmare now.
I'm a half inch shorter than Josh.
I'm sad.
What is that? I'm Billy Crystal.
What is this? You look like a like a Hasidic ape.
Look like a Hasidic ape.
Silverback.
High silverback.