The Cool Kids (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Feast your eyes, Margaret.
The Shady Meadows Wednesday Afternoon Wine and Cheese Half Hour.
Well, it used to be an hour, but I had a little incident.
I got cheese drunk and punched a busboy.
Look at all these bodacious beauties.
Can't you just feel the heat? Yeah, this room is humming with sexual energy.
Oh, wait, I think it might be that guy's oxygen tank.
Yeah, well, you just watch me and Charlie work.
We can't lose.
(LAUGHS) Actually, Hank, we can, and we have been for months.
Yeah, well, the cold streak ends tonight.
Okay.
- Here, be my wingman.
- Okay.
Uh, how you doing, little missy? Are you my appendix? 'Cause I know nothing about you, but my gut tells me to take you out.
Hank, we slept together three years ago.
Wait a minute, y-you thinking about somebody else.
Oh, no, no, it was you.
You cried after, a-and then you told me that I'd never be as good as your ex-wife.
That does sound like you, Hank.
(CHUCKLES) Remember, after the divorce, all that crying? Marriage is complicated, Charlie.
Marriage is complicated! Well, shake it off.
That was just a rehearsal.
- You up, my man.
- Okay.
I'm going to take a more direct approach.
Hi, I'm Charlie.
Hello.
I'm Anne.
Uh, listen, I haven't had sex in about five years.
And I'm betting it's probably double that for you.
So what do you say we solve each other's problems? God, that was hard to watch.
(LAUGHS) It was funny, but it was hard.
You guys really need to try the online dating.
I mean, I do very well because, well (BLOWS RASPBERRY) exhibit M.
It's fun.
Grindr changed my life.
It's like Postmates, but instead of food, you get a man delivered.
My friend Wanda found her boyfriend online, and they were happy until the day she passed away.
- How'd she die? - He killed her.
It is the one drawback of online dating, but other than that, it is fantastic.
Y'all are crazy.
The Internet's not for finding love, it's for faxing and Tetris.
Whatever happened to approaching a woman, buying her a drink and assuming she owes you sex? You really need to watch the news more.
And you should really try the online dating, Hank.
I think you would do much better with people that don't know you.
I don't know this beautiful woman over here, but I'm about to.
How's it going, sweet pea? (SHOUTS) Damn, Raul, get a haircut.
Well, I guess this online dating isn't the worst idea.
Shady Meadows is scorched earth for old Hank.
I plowed too many of those driveways.
You're not gonna put "plowed driveways" in your profile, are you? Course not.
I got more sense than that.
Well, I'm just glad that you realized that I'm right, because earlier, you were saying that online dating was for "sickos and losers.
" Oh, it is.
But I'm just trying to have sex here, Margaret.
Okay.
Here we go.
Name: Charlie.
About Me: I love art.
I have proof that the moon landing was a hoax.
And I have 27 Vietnam kills.
Ooh, I wouldn't mention Vietnam.
Okay.
Right, I have 27 kills.
Uh, don't talk about killing anyone, and I shouldn't have to keep saying that.
Do you, Charlie.
Don't listen to these naysayers.
We are just trying to help.
Margaret and I do very well online.
Last month, I was featured on the home page of Grindr due to my high number of GPWs.
That's grinds per week.
You two only cleaned up 'cause you're looking for men.
Men will have sex with anything.
Don't be jealous, Hank, because green is not a good color on you, and while I'm on the subject, neither is yellow or red or purple.
You look bad is what I'm saying, Hank.
We'll just see about that once I post my profile.
Name: Hanky Panky.
Interests: Dat ass in my hands, girl.
And golf.
You guys, do you think I should remove the picture of my 11th toe? I think you should remove the toe.
Hank, you want me to take your profile picture? Nah, I'm gonna take it in private.
Butt naked.
Ooh! I just thought of my caption.
"Hanky Panky wants a spanky.
" You were right, Margaret.
This online dating is the real deal.
My phone hasn't blown up this much since my daddy died.
That's terrific, Hank.
How about you, Charlie? You drowning in cyber-booty? No booty.
In fact, I've only gotten one response.
Hey, it only takes one.
Who messaged you? One of my kids.
Been trying to find me for years.
I deleted it.
Yeah, buddy, that's too bad.
Well, I guess I'll go figure out the best way to light my dong.
Well, if there is a market for Hanky Panky's dong shots, then I think you have nothing to worry about, Charlie.
You keep your head up.
Ah, that's sweet of you to say, but it may be just too late for a guy like me to find love.
I'm gonna go help Hank light his dong.
Oh, we need to do something.
He's our friend, he needs cheering up.
We could take him for an ice cream.
Or buy him a hooker.
Skipped a whole lot of steps there.
No, we don't want him to give up on love.
What if, what if we create an online profile to flirt with Charlie? Margaret, I'm gonna tell you what I told my baby sister when she wanted to become a singer.
Bitch, that's a terrible idea.
Come on.
We're just gonna build up his confidence until he finds a real person.
It's kind of like training wheels, only the end result is riding a lady instead of a bike.
Now, we got to make sure she's Charlie's type so that he'll take the bait.
"Hi, I'm Nadine.
"65 years young.
The moon landing was filmed in Hollywood by Stanley Kubrick.
" You got to sex that up, honey.
All men are pervs, even Charlie.
Ooh, I know.
Give her a mysterious name.
Something like Destiny.
There's nothing mysterious about the name Destiny.
She's a stripper, mystery solved.
She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes When she comes, she'll be coming Whoa! No dancing.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa, hey.
Hey, gang.
Guess what? My profile got a response last night, and it is a doozy.
Oh.
So somebody messaged you and now you're happy.
Tell us all about this dream girl.
Ah, well, every single thing about her is (LAUGHS) beautiful.
Even her name.
Destiny.
Say what, now? Oh, my, my, her name is Destiny.
Oh, she sounds mysterious.
And sexy.
Exactly what a man would want.
So did you hear from anybody else? - You get any other bites? - Ah, yes actually.
Some Nadine lady (LAUGHS) claiming that the moon landing was filmed in Hollywood.
What an idiot.
Everybody knows it was filmed in an airplane hanger in Southern Utah.
Duh.
Well, it sounds like you have a lot to talk to her about.
Nah, she's garbage.
Listen to this message that Destiny sent me: "Dearest Charles, when I am done having my way with you, our loins will be" get this "obliterated.
" (SQUEALS, SHOUTS) Oh.
Wow, obliterated loins.
- Yes.
- I wouldn't have ever taken you for the kind of guy that liked that sort of smut.
Oh, well, Margaret, let's not confuse smut with well-written erotica.
And also, look at this one.
She said, she said, her hands were tired so her boobies typed this.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
That doesn't even make any sense.
(LAUGHS) Well, it makes perfect sense.
It makes perfect sense to me, too.
Boobies can't type, dum-dums.
Maybe not yours.
Well, anyhoo, I just wanted to share the good news, and to thank you for introducing me to online dating.
You were right, Margaret.
It's fantastic.
Oh, way to go.
Way to go, Charlie.
Yay! Ha, ha.
What the hell, Sid? You created the Destiny profile? Oh, sounds like somebody's jealous that Charlie chose my girl over your moon nerd.
"Your girl"? Aren't you getting a little caught up in this? I'm not getting caught up in squat.
It's not like I created an elaborate backstory of Destiny's strict Southern upbringing as an oil man's only daughter in rural 1950s Kentucky, when everybody in town knew damn well Pappy wanted a boy.
Wow, what a backstory.
Why Kentucky? - Well, Margaret, in the 19 - I don't really care! Remember, we're trying to help Charlie here, we are not writing a porno version of Gone with the Wind.
Well, why can't we do both? Oh.
Sid, promise me you won't do anything else without running it by me first.
Oh, Margaret, I wouldn't dream of it.
Hank! Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it I'm in love with a woman named Destiny.
Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it, ow So Hank, you're telling me that you messaged a woman named Destiny last night, and she wrote you back? Oh, she sure did.
And she typed it get this with her butt cheeks.
Well, love is in the air.
Sid, let's go play a little game of pool.
I don't want to play pool with you.
You take my money and then you poke me with that stick.
Oh! Why did you message Hank back? Relax, Margaret, I'm just having a little fun.
When I'm on Grindr, there's no romance or witty banter.
It's just, "Wham, bam, thank you, Sid.
" But now, the conversation is flowing, the boys are happy.
What is the harm? Do I really have to say it? You are catfishing your two best friends, posing as a woman who types with her milkers and her dumper.
- And the problem is? - (SIGHS) You're not gonna be able to land this plane, Sid.
They're gonna figure it out.
Hey, Hank, what has two thumbs, 11 toes and found a girl online? - This guy.
- (LAUGHS) Well, let me hit my contact up over there at Applebee's - Okay.
- 'cause guess what? Me and you are going out on a double date! - Yeah! - HANK: Ha, ha! Old Hanky Panky has narrowed it down to one very special woman, and her name is Destiny.
I got to go to the barber uhp! My-my sweetie's name is Destiny, too.
Oh, that's a common name.
End of that conversation.
Uh, anybody like volcanoes? Wait a minute, where's your Destiny from? Kentucky.
No volcanoes there, which brings me back to volcanoes.
Wait a minute, my Destiny's from Kentucky, too.
Have you met your girl yet? Not yet.
But we have plans to meet as soon as she gets back from BOTH: auditioning for the Rockettes? God, I hope they both make the cut.
(LAUGHS): Or it's gonna be one awkward night at Applebee's.
Man, we're dating the same woman, Charlie.
Oh, that's impossible.
I mean, how could she like us both? - We're total opposites.
- Well, you got that right.
You're a crusty, burned-out ex-hippie and I'm DTF.
Dark, tall and fun.
That's not what DTF means.
Fun? You could be in a personality contest all by yourself and come in third.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, both of you.
You're just horny.
Hank, you said you had lots of women in your inbox.
Date one of them.
Well, I lied.
Didn't nobody message me back.
I came on too strong with my dong pics.
Destiny's the only one who liked my pic.
I'll bet.
Well I've heard enough.
I'm messaging Destiny.
What? No, I'm gonna message Destiny, right now.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) - Oh! Ooh! Excuse me.
Excuse me, I got a bad case of the toots.
(LAUGHS, STAMMERS) Talk about volcanic eruptions.
This is bad.
This is really, really bad.
Uh-oh.
I know what's happening here.
You're feeling guilty because this was all your idea, aren't you? Now you look angry.
But you're angry at yourself.
Ooh, you're angry at me.
Destiny would be happier with me.
I'm smart, I'm funny.
Stop it, you guys.
You are friends.
Well, Margaret's right.
This ends right here.
- Thank you.
- With a good old-fashioned fistfight.
- What? - That is the best idea you've ever had, you old fart.
- What? You're older than me.
- Yeah, but I'm not a fart.
They're fighting over me, Margaret.
Ow.
You got an elbow like a praying mantis.
You guys, stop it.
You cannot fight.
Charlie, you need a tool to help you put your socks on.
Oh, no, we're fighting.
Two hours, dining hall.
Right after Judge Judy and before Judge Joe Brown.
Okay.
See you there.
Can't wait to update my profile to 28 kills.
- I think they bought it.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
And they have no idea that we know they're Destiny.
Yeah, this'll teach them not to leave their laptops laying around.
Do you want to hit them with one more? Okay, okay, um I hate you, Hank Henderson! You will rue this day! Rue this day! Rue you, bitch! I'm about to get nose-deep in Destiny's magical typing boobies.
This is awful.
They're about to beat the crap out of each other and it's all our fault.
What are we gonna do? The only thing we can do.
Hear me out.
No, Sid.
Absolutely no.
- Well, at least let me explain it.
- Oh, I got it.
You're dressed as Destiny and now you're gonna go try and talk the boys into being friends again.
Okay, it's clear, then.
So what's the holdup? There is no way in hell that anybody is ever gonna believe that you are Destiny.
Look at you.
Well, you haven't even heard the voice yet.
- (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): It was - No, Sid! No.
You are a 66-year-old four-foot-ten man that Hank and Charlie hang out with every single day.
This is not gonna work.
(SCOFFS) What's your idea then? Just fess up to the whole damn thing? Our friends will hate us forever.
Well, that's why they can't ever find out.
We're gonna go to that fight, as us, in our regular clothes, and we are gonna tell them how stupid they are acting over a woman they've never even met.
Well, fine.
But I know my Destiny would've had them eating out of the palms of her tiny, feminine hands.
Why do you even have this wig, anyway? Can I live, please? All right, Sean, your grandmother tells us you're a great actor.
Well, I just booked a dental floss commercial, so you tell me.
- (CHUCKLES) - All right.
So here's the deal: you're gonna come in, you're gonna arrest us, right? Scare the hell out of our friends, they confess, you get your 50 bucks, and you get to go home to your wife.
- I don't have a wife.
- That's smart.
Marriage is complicated.
Uhp, here they come.
Places, people.
- (EXHALES) - You've got this, Sean! You don't scare me, Hank.
I ate a man's nose in Nam, and then I asked him how he liked the smell of my guts.
Yeah? Back in the day, I used to have suckers begging for their mamas, then I'd bang their mamas.
- You guys, stop! - Never! Oh, well, we tried.
I'll go get the wig.
(CHANTING): Fight! Fight! Fight! Maybe we should just let them go.
I mean, they're old men, how bad could it be? You made the classic blunder.
You brought a fist to a knife fight.
(PEOPLE GASPING) Break it up, you two! We've got a 1099 in progress.
That's right.
Two old guys fighting over a woman.
That's right.
Put me through to the commissioner.
They're putting him through to the commissioner, Margaret.
We'll be jailed for cybercrimes.
Calm down, Sid.
No, th-they'll put me in the big house.
Look at me, I'll get eaten alive.
You'll be fine.
That's right, you're both under arrest.
For illegal knife-fighting.
I'm gonna power this taser up to a thousand volts.
That's right.
The highest amount of volts.
No, no, no! No, no, no, you'll kill them! No, it was me! I did it, I'm Destiny! I never meant to hurt y'all.
We were just trying to help, but we-we got carried away.
Tell them, Margaret.
Tell them that we did it.
They know that we're Destiny, Sid.
They're just messing with us.
SID: What? I'm more confused than the night I conceived my son.
This cop, he's a fake.
And a really bad actor, by the way.
Um, wow.
(IMITATING SEAN): That's right.
(NORMAL VOICE:) You called in a 1099.
That's a tax form.
See this walkie-talkie here? Fake.
It's not hooked up to anything.
His little taser here? Fake.
See? This knife here? Fake.
HANK AND CHARLIE: No, no, no, no, no! - (SCREAMS) - No, no You got the first two right, but the knife is real.
- Oh! - That's right.
Ow So then we found Sid's computer open, and we figured we'd teach y'all a lesson about messing with your friends.
Well, it worked.
I'd already picked out my prison name.
I settled on Buzzsaw.
I figured I'd be working with a lot of wood.
Well, I'm just sorry things got so out of hand.
We didn't want you to give up on love, Charlie.
There's still somebody out there for you.
And Hank, well You trailed off there.
I did, didn't I? Well, it was a wild ride, but the good news is nobody got hurt.
Is someone gonna drive me to the hospital? Oh.
Well, I am the one that stabbed him, so I suppose I should do the right thing and call him an Uber.
Don't worry, Sean, we'll, uh, pay you double.
- A hundred bucks.
- A hundred bucks? It's not like he got shot.
Seven minutes, Sean.
It's a blue hatchback.
That's pretty good.