The Couple Next Door (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Oh, I'm so sorry, Peter.
He's so excited about what you've
got in those bin bags.
My fish died, hence the smell.
Oh, how awful!
How?
Pfft, I don't know.
Aw, I'm terribly sorry.
Come on, mister.
Hey, mate. Hey.
Hey, you, er, you weren't at
a building supplies place in
Sheepscar yesterday, were you?
Where? Roseville Road.
God, no. All day in the office,
sadly.
Oh, I could have sworn it, was you?
Certainly looked like a couple of
traffic cops.
Did you get their numbers?
No.
You got some big scoop?
Might do, yeah.
Can't say yet, but it'll be a corker
if I can pull it off.
Nice, good luck.
Anything I can do to help?
Actually, if I wanted to check
someone's criminal record,
but there was nothing on file
Well, like who?
Local businessman, for example?
I'd lose my job if I did something
like that, sorry.
Of course, yeah.
Oh, well, no worries. Have a good
day.
Miss Greenwood?
Miss Greenwood?
Miss Greenwood?
I am so sorry. Can you repeat that?
Hope that was a nice daydream you
were having?
I was just asking, are you happy
with the new after-school rota?
Absolutely.
What the hell was in that van?
Diamonds.
Diamonds? You didn't want to know,
Danny. Don't give me that.
What? From where?
South Africa, I guess. I don't know.
Trafficked illegally? Well,
obviously, Danny.
He's hardly likely to just declare
'em to Customs, is he?
You going to
the car. No, I'm off home now.
You sold this to me as a piece of
cake.
We both could have been killed.
My son could have ended up without
a father.
I'm sorry.
We're both in one piece, aren't we?
Safe and sound now.
What about CCTV? We'll be all over
it.
Don't worry about that, leave that
to me.
The issue here, Dan, is we're in
serious shit with Spencer.
I don't want to hear it.
Danny! Dan!
Fuck's sake.
Find a point of focus and breathe.
You can leave that there.
I will go to whatever class I want.
Fucking creep.
So, what we do is, put the support
brackets at the bottom,
here, all the way up, and away you
go, up to the heavens.
Is it not tricky with the turns?
Oh, no, love, we do these all the
time
and I've got you down for this
Saturday, that still good? Yes.
Right. We'll have you exploring
upstairs,
before you know it.
Right then, see you Saturday.
Thanks very much, I'll see you then.
Animal Minds, raising
awareness for
the mental health of pets?
We are living through an epidemic of
dog depression, apparently.
Wow, wow, wow.
Who says local journalism is
dead, huh?
Yeah, all right, don't rub it in.
Well, how about a real story?
Cos your Dr Watson has some
brand new information.
Go on.
Firstly, this is Colossus Building
Supplies' turnover
for last year.
You've seen the place,
it's not that special.
Bloody hell, that's huge.
Mm-hm. Wait, no, that's nothing
compared to this.
Apparently,
our fictitious Eddie Smallwood has
accounts in the Cayman Islands.
Even though he's a figment of Robbie
Spencer's imagination?
Look at all those zeros.
That would make him the richest man
in Leeds, if he existed.
Who makes that much money on the
local property development market?
Feels like this story's a whole lot
bigger than
a bit of council corruption. Mm-hm.
Hello!
Hey! I might have an offer
that you can't refuse.
What are you kids doing
this weekend?
Not a lot.
OK, well,
I've been offered a two-bedroom
suite at Forefield Hall Spa
for free.
Forefield Hall? Mm-hm.
Are you serious? What? Do you fancy
it?
Yeah. Wow. I mean,
I'd need to check with Pete, but I
can't see why not.
Great. Promise to behave myself.
Don't do that.
You let me know when you've spoken
to him.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Great.
How's it looking?
Yeah, see?
Fake number plates, and we're
totally unrecognisable.
We're good, mate.
All right, well, then that's me out.
No, Danny, it doesn't work like
that.
I've told you, we've got to go and
see him No. ..pronto. No.
You recruited me. You deal with it.
I want nothing more to do with him.
Cup of awful dreck?
Why not, it'll stave off
the existential angst for ten
minutes.
Oh, you'll never guess whose place
I was at last night?
The throuple.
Oh! So, is it always just the three
of them?
Well, in the relationship, yeah, but
you know,
they can play with others.
They ever ask you?
Oh, God, yeah, all the time.
And you've never?
No. Have you ever?
No.
Why are you asking me these
questions?
I don't know. I guess I'm just an
old fuddy-duddy,
trying to figure out how the world
works these days.
Mm-hm. Well, no, I haven't,
but you know,
it doesn't mean I wouldn't.
You only live once, right?
Hi, Yvonne, how are you?
Bit of a weird one with your next
class.
Erm, literally half the class
cancelled, last minute.
Right. Erm, well, I mean, it looks
like all the school mums
so, maybe there was an event or
something that I missed.
That makes sense.
OK.
Hi, guys!
So, we are a little depleted this
week,
but good news is,
that just means more one-on-one
attention from me.
I want to come in this time.
You can't just rock up, whenever you
feel like it.
Can't you see I'm genuine, Lena?
Please, it's time I met him.
Ethan?
Ethan
..this is Danny.
Hi.
I, er I, er
I'm your dad.
Ah, rude.
What are you saying?
I said, you're rubbish at signing.
Oh. I'd like you to teach me.
Does that mean I'm going to start
seeing you now?
Would you like that?
I guess.
Mum says you're a policeman.
That's right.
Caught any evil criminals?
Oh, plenty.
Cool.
I was hoping you and I could go out
together
next time I come over.
Yeah, let's just see how we're
going.
It's a lot for him to take in.
I can lip-read, you know?
Oh, there you are!
Me and Miss painted a dancer
together all day.
Oh, I think Miss Greenwood would
like a rest now.
No, not at all.
All she talks about is
Miss Greenwood.
Obsessed, aren't you?
I haven't seen you, since
I just want to say, how sorry I am.
Thank you.
Right, come on.
Bye, Miss Greenwood. Bye.
Mum! Mum!
Hello.
Got picked for the football team.
Yes, of course you did. Well done.
Mum? Yeah? What's a whore?
Olly, who said that to you?
Mm, they didn't. Just heard.
OK, well, that's a very
disrespectful word
that people say about women,
and you are never to use it. Do you
understand?
OK.
Seems like a sweet kid.
Danny, let's get a few things
clear.
If you swan in here like some kind
of saviour,
and then just fuck off again
the moment things get tough,
you will destroy that boy.
I'm here now, for good.
You have my word.
Fine
..so, tell your family.
Yeah, not now.
Why not?
Scared she'll leave you? No, leave
Becka out of it.
Embarrassed cos of how we met?
Worried you might lose your job if
your bosses found out?
I need him in your life properly.
He has a brother, for Christ's sake.
Don't you think that they should
meet?
She's going to find out anyway,
Danny,
so just get it out in the open.
I've told you, I need time.
Look, I've got to go, but
..I'll be back next week.
Take him out for a day, OK?
OK.
I mean, where the hell is he picking
up words like that?
Oh, come on, he didn't know what it
meant.
Yeah.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm just fed up
of well-meaning mums telling me how
sorry they are.
People really need to mind their own
business.
You know, I've wanted to be a mum
since I was young, Becks.
What if it doesn't happen?
You don't know that it won't.
Did you find it easy?
We weren't trying, it just sort of
happened.
I mean, we weren't exactly being
careful.
You must have been open to
the possibility, then.
Well, it's more that we were young
and reckless.
Well, it all worked out OK.
Yeah.
I mean, this isn't necessarily the
life that I would have chosen.
What do you mean?
Well, there's a world where we'd
still be travelling
and having wild adventures.
I know you can't do that forever.
Sorry, I don't mean to be moaning.
I have an awful lot to be grateful
for.
No, don't be daft.
We always want what we don't have.
Didn't you think to ask me first?
I'm asking you now.
You've already told her we're going.
OK, so, I'll call her and say,
"Thanks, but no,
"we don't want to come on a free
luxury spa weekend".
I just What?
..I just feel like we're spending
all our free time with them.
What is your problem with them?
I don't have a problem, they're
perfectly nice. It's not
Well, good, then get over yourself.
We'll just go and have a fun weekend.
Babe, can
..can I just say something?
I feel, I feel like you're a million
miles away from me half the time.
I'm fine.
And we have been through something
really tough.
Yeah, and now we're moving on
from it.
I'm just trying to make you happy.
This will make me happy.
OK, if that's what you want.
As long as it's just,
you know, a normal weekend.
What is that supposed to mean?
Oh, come on, you must have thought
it.
Why don't you just stop worrying?
We'll just go and have a nice time.
Olly, I said turn it off five
minutes ago.
Just one more minute.
Now.
Well, if the stupid controller
worked properly,
then I would.
Dad, I hadn't finished.
Do you know how lucky you are
to have all this stuff?
Do you?
There was no need for that.
Doesn't respect me.
Oh, bollocks, he hangs on your every
word.
You've been in a shitty mood since
you got in.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Listen,
you and I are gonna go away
and have a lovely weekend together.
Yeah
Yeah, all right.
Sh, sh, sh Danny! Sorry.
Sorry, I thought you saw me.
I thought someone was being attacked.
Yeah, I know, me too.
It's just some foxes mating.
Oh, it's not?
Ugh.
They don't sound like they're
having a very nice time.
No, but who are we to judge?
Exactly, we all do it.
Just not in a bush at two in
the morning.
Hm.
Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow
at the hotel.
What? What are you guys coming?
Wait, did Becka not tell you?
No, no, no What?
..probably wanted to surprise me.
Oh.
I hope it's a nice surprise.
Goodnight.
Becka, this place looks incredible.
They gave you all this for free?
Yeah. Amazing, what 30,000 followers
can get you these days.
Whoa!
Didn't know we were friends
with such a VIP.
Oh, hardly. No, I just persuaded
a bunch of yoga mums to cough up
for a weekend here.
Well, here's to the yoga mums
and their disposable income.
Mm-hm, and Danny's mum
for child care.
Oh, I'll definitely drink
to that. Cheers.
Cheers. Cheers.
You have so many followers.
How do you keep on top of it?
I just post a few things here
and there.
I don't even read the comments.
Yeah, but ask her how long she
takes setting up for each shot.
Yeah, OK. Well, the phone is down
this weekend,
and I'm living in the moment Mm.
..speaking of which, itineraries.
So, Evie and I have a facial at two,
followed by a sauna and steam room.
Oh.
..and you both have massages.
Nice. Oh! Sorry, Pete has a massage?
Mm-hm.
Er, well, first time for
everything.
That's the spirit.
So, which room shall we have?
Ladies' choice.
All right.
All done, and ready for lift off.
Ah, this is gonna be life-changing.
Well, that's what we're here for.
Thank you so much. OK.
So, what's this big story
you're investigating?
Oh, it's pretty boring, really.
You know, I've genuinely never had
a massage before.
Seriously?
You must have.
You and your lovely lady
need to live a little.
As you keep telling me. Mm.
Go on then, enlighten me,
massage king.
Hm-mm, it's simple.
Just be clear if they're being too
rough or too soft,
then just lie back and drift off.
Oh, and get ready to activate
the naked granny card,
if the masseuse is ridiculously hot.
What?
Well, you don't want any
embarrassing-arousal situations
if you're facing upwards.
So, think of the least arousing
thing you can muster,
such as your granny naked.
Ah, come on.
Yeah.
Hi, guys. I'm Mel, this is Siobhan.
So, you're down for the full body
massage today, is that right?
Yeah.
OK.
Looks like you're gonna need
the full granny activation.
Mm.
Oh, I can't believe this is a
freebie.
I'm so glad that we could do this.
It's my way of saying thank you.
For what?
For livening up a very boring
cul-de-sac.
Me? You're the one livening
things up.
I feel very boring.
Right, come on, this, this set up
that you've got with Danny.
I'm fascinated, I've got so many
questions.
What do you want to know?
Do you get jealous, when he's with
another woman?
No, no, it's an act of trust.
We have very open, honest
conversations,
and we discuss the rules.
I find it really liberating.
I know that he trusts me,
and I trust him.
It's amazing, wow.
So, if
If?
If we wanted
If you wanted to try it yourself?
With us?
Yeah.
OK, well, I think the first thing
I would ask is why?
Why you think you might like to?
Because I just
it sounds really fun and exciting
and, well, forbidden.
Yeah.
What about Pete, though?
I get the impression it might not be
his thing.
We've spoken about it. Huh? Mm-hm.
To be honest, I actually think it
could be what we need.
Hm-mm.
Oh! Oh, here they are.
How, was it? How was the massage?
Oh, my God, it was amazing.
What? No way. Yeah.
How many times have I told you
to get one?
Mm, well, I'm a new man. I'm all
about the relaxation.
It had absolutely nothing to do
with
the insane hotness of the masseuse.
Ah, I see. Oh! Mmm. Oh, I see.
Well
Alan?
Alan?
What's all that?
Did you not even notice
the engineer?
Well, I've been, I've been caught up
with something.
Yeah, well, it's done.
I can come back upstairs.
Right, well.
That's wonderful news,
Jean, really.
Well, I feel like we've got
something to celebrate,
I've done you something nice,
and, I thought afterwards,
maybe we could go upstairs together.
Well, that sounds very lovely.
It's just, er
I'm still working.
I've just got to pop out
and see a client.
Do you remember when we used
to live together,
before we were married,
and your mother was furious cos
we were living in sin?
Every day, before you went to work,
you used to leave me
a little note somewhere different
in the house.
It would say I love you or
I miss you.
I can't wait to see you.
I found one of those notes the other
day, in a book.
It said, "You're the only one for
me."
I thought you'd be happy for us.
You know, the chance to be able to
share a bed together again.
I am.
I really am, Jean.
Look, I've just got to pop out.
I won't be long. I'll be, I'll be
back soon.
You had no intention of telling me
you'd invited
the neighbours, did you?
I am sure that I told you.
Hm-mm.
Becka Whitwell, you are a bad girl.
I know, I know, I'm a fucking
nightmare.
Oh, there he is, ready for action.
Why don't we save it for later,
with our friends?
Babe, I told you this before.
I think it's extremely risky.
Our rule is, always
Yeah, but I've got a good feeling.
It feels different.
Come on, let's just mix things up a
little.
You're making assumptions about
what they want.
Mm-mm, nope, she just explicitly
told me that they're both up for it.
What she actually said that?
Mm-hm.
I don't know about it.
Well, I know how much you want her.
The rules are there, because
Danny, fuck the rules.
Come on, we're strong enough.
Let's show our friends the ropes.
Where's that wild side?
Mm, mm, OK.
Yeah, I want her,
I really want her.
Mm, do you want him? Mm-hm.
I like the way he looks at me,
when he's trying so hard not
to look at me,
so innocent.
You know I love to corrupt
the innocent. Mm.
We said no friends
Mm.
..but Mm.
I could get used to this.
Are you having fun?
Of course.
But?
It's all a bit weird.
Oh, come off it, Petey. In what way?
I don't know.
Yes, you do. I know exactly what
you're thinking,
you might as well just say it. OK.
Do you think we've been lured
here to be corrupted?
I think we're both adults,
and I think we can take care
of ourselves.
Mm, nice way to avoid answering
the question.
What if something did happen?
What are you saying?
I'm just asking.
Becka's hot, you haven't got
a pulse if you don't think that.
Well, yeah, duh, of course she is.
I think she likes you.
Don't think I haven't noticed
the way you look at Danny.
Do you find that threatening,
or arousing?
Just for the record, I think it'd be
pretty hot.
What are we even talking about?
This is totally insane.
Yoo-hoo, Alan!
Oh, I think they're away for
the weekend.
They went with that nice couple from
number 49.
Are they a musician? Yes.
No. Yes. Yes.
No? Yes! No.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Yes? Yes. You have to know.
OK, am I alive?
No. Oh!
You've got to drink.
Yeah, mmm.
Argh.
Oh, is it David Bowie? No.
Erm No, drink
sorry.
Right. Oh, is it Prince?
Is it Prince?
No.
I'm going to be wasted before
I get this.
You already are.
Oh, sh
Dammit.
I'll get it. Try.
OK, I'll get the window.
Yeah, get the window.
Someone get it. Turn off the music.
Oh, God.
Everything OK, sir?
Yeah, fine, fine. Yeah,
yeah, my, er,
my, my wife lit a candle,
but it's out now.
Yes, sorry. Really sorry.
Can we just remind guests,
it's a strictly no-smoking
establishment?
Of course. Yes. Yeah, yeah,
absolutely, yeah.
Good evening, sir. Yeah, yeah.
Whoops.
Oh, that's bad!
Who even was I?
Oh, my God. Pete! Pete!
Seriously, who? Really?
George Michael.
Oh, dear.
I like George Michael as well.
Mm.
Thank you.
Come here.
Wait, wait, wait.
I really want this, I'm just
..suddenly, really nervous.
Why don't I go first, then?
Take a good look
..you're allowed.
I want you.
I really want you.
I can't, I just
I can't.
I'm sorry.
Shit! What?
Shit, I think the condom broke.
Don't worry, I'm on the pill, so
You sure? ..just don't stop.
Argh!
Argh!
Oh, my God.
Argh!
I shouldn't have done that.
I told you, it's fine.
Are you absolutely sure?
Yeah.
Hm.
Come here.
Mm, mm.