The Crew (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, hey.
- What happened this morning?
- [groans] What didn't?
I woke up,
I had a massive cramp in my foot,
so I hobbled downstairs to get a banana,
and I stubbed the toe on my other foot.
Literally, it's a miracle I'm here.
What's up?
We had a meeting at 9:00 with Goodyear.
- No one told me.
- I sent a dozen invites to your calendar.
- [scoffs] I think I would've known.
- Did you turn on your notifications?
Yeah, I turned them on. It just was
It's on now.
[phone chiming repeatedly]
[chiming stops]
- So
- [chiming resumes]
[chiming stops]
[clicks tongue] So how'd the meeting go?
We rescheduled 'cause you weren't there.
I sent you an email about that as well.
[cell phone chimes]
Got it.
Who's this guy?
Oh, Frank? That's Beth's boyfriend.
Really? I thought you two were
No Why Me and Beth?
No, why would I do that?
Yeah. She can do better than you.
She did do better than you.
Frankenstein!
[in gruff voice] It's alive!
Bring it in, you filthy monster.
Whoa, man, you smell good.
What are you wearing?
Just my soap.
- I like that. That's cool.
- Thank you.
- I thought you were heading to Houston.
- Heading to the airport now.
Beth left her,
uh, phone charger at my house.
- Hey, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
Traffic was crazy.
Thank you for bringing my lunch.
- And remember to text me when you
- Your lunch?
- Wait a second, you just said
- No.
- Wait a second. No, someone lied to me.
- Kevin, don't.
You said it's your lunch, and he said
it's a phone charger. What's going on?
Oh, Beth.
You're an astronaut?
I have sleep apnea.
- I die 13 times an hour.
- Yeah, it's nerve-racking.
Yeah. I keep dialing nine,
one, and hanging up.
[imitating John Merrick]
I am not an animal.
[laughs]
I haven't washed that in a week.
[gags]
[coughs]
[theme music playing]
Good morning, everyone.
First off, I wanna congratulate
the whole team for a solid race at Pocono,
which moves us up
to 26th in the standings.
- [Chuck] All right, Jake.
- That's great. That's you guys.
By the way, good job fixing that bug
in the ECU, Amir.
Could've cost us the whole weekend.
I'm sorry.
She was complimenting you, moron.
Anyway, as you may or may not know,
we had to part ways
with our friends at Big Hoof Barbeque
last week.
- Of course, everybody knows that.
- Okay, but good news.
We have a better sponsor.
Bobby Spencer Racing's
gonna be the face of a new product.
I know you've all been curious,
and I can finally let you know
Is it a turtle?
Yeah, it's a turtle.
It looks like a turtle.
I was going off its shape.
May I present…
Fake Steak.
What… what is Fake Steak?
America's hottest new
mushroom-based beef substitute.
And dogs like this?
It's for people.
It's like a higher-end version
of an Impossible Burger.
Fake Steak's launching
a whole new national campaign, and bonus,
they wanna do a commercial
with our very own Jake Martin.
- All right, Jake.
- [cheering]
- This is a joke, right?
- Well, I hope so
Oh, come on. Kevin, you'll try it, right?
Why, what did I do?
- Kevin, enjoy a bite of Fake Steak.
- [Kevin sighs]
- Are you kidding me?
- Yeah.
Wow, it smells like a turtle.
You're gonna love it.
It's our new hood sponsor.
Let's get excited.
[Catherine sighs]
Mmm. Okay.
Oh
Mmm.
Hey, Kev, let me get you a gun
so you can wash that down.
It doesn't break down
in your mouth right away.
[chewing loudly]
I guess you gotta decide
on your own when you wanna swallow it.
[rock music playing]
- Hey, do you got a sec?
- I don't wanna talk about Fake Steak.
Yeah. Nobody does. Tastes like a Band-Aid
you found in a puddle.
They're our sponsor.
You need to get everyone on board.
We're Big Hoof Barbeque.
Our logo is a bull, okay?
Our fans are the Stampede.
What will they be called now?
- Whatever you call a field of mushrooms?
- A patch.
Okay, do you even hear yourself?
The Patch? That's not a racing team.
That's something you slap on your grandma
to get her to stop smoking.
It may not be perfect,
but the company's excited.
Yeah, but our team is not.
Look, you got a big problem
'cause Jakey won't be able to sell this.
Then you've got a problem
'cause he's filming
the commercial tomorrow.
[sighs] I don't know about that.
You better. He's gonna be there,
he's gonna do a great job,
and if he doesn't, it's on you.
No. Hey This conversation's not over.
- [Catherine] Yeah, it is.
- Now it is.
Lou, stop staring. We talked about this.
Wow. Look at you go. [chuckles]
You're like an angry cat
with a laser pointer.
Have a seat, Jake. I wanna talk to you.
It's, uh… it's about Fake Steak.
Turns out it's, uh… it's not a joke.
What was wrong with Big Hoof?
The food was great.
I could walk into any location
and eat for free.
And I'm not under 13.
But that was just a few restaurants.
This is a national commercial.
- Everybody's gonna know who you are.
- Yeah, for fake meat.
The Cadillac of fake meat.
Hey, were M&Ms cool before Kyle Busch?
Yeah. They've always been great.
They melt in your mouth
and not in your hands. That's like magic.
Here's the deal.
I don't wanna use Fake Steak either.
I can't stand it.
But you know what? We can do this.
We gotta make the best of it.
And, I'm telling you, that face on TV?
I mean, come on.
- Yeah, it's a good face.
- [Kevin] Right?
Now, I'm afraid we're gonna lose you
to Hollywood.
All right, I'm listening.
No, that was it. That was the whole pitch.
- But it's a national commercial?
- Yes.
- They're gonna make me take my shirt off?
- No.
All right. I'll still do it.
- [rock music playing]
- [tires squeal]
[indistinct chatter]
Where have you been?
They're about to start shooting.
And you have the hood of my car open?
I thought it'd look good,
so I pitched it to the director
and he said, "Yeah, okay. Whatever," so.
All right. Amir,
I'm gonna put it like this.
See, I'm like a chef who doesn't want
to share his secret recipe,
because some
of his ingredients are illegal.
Oh, okay, and if we get caught,
the chef will be in trouble.
Oh, no. Because the chef already
has a plan to blame it on the waiter.
Hey, we're gonna go with the hood closed.
Okay, whatever.
Cleared it. So…
So we're gonna start with the car
and then get the driver.
- You setting up the shots?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I figured.
I used to be in the business myself.
Pageants, mostly.
Miss Mecklenburg County '91. What's up?
- All right, let's do this. Star is on set.
- Appreciate that, but I'm not a star.
Just an incredibly successful
elite athlete,
who's more than willing
to take his shirt off.
Okay. This is gonna be real simple.
Just stand in front of the car,
have a bite of the Fake Steak, and say,
"Mmm. The box says fake"
- "But my mouth says steak."
- Great.
- All right, I got goosebumps. Whoo!
- [laughs]
That was great, Jake.
But smile at the end, baby
No teeth, no tiara.
All right. I think we're all set.
And action, Jake.
- Uh, actually, I usually say that.
- Action, when he says that.
Yeah. Great.
Action.
[Jake clears throat]
[spits] No!
- Cut! I… I got this.
- Yeah, cut.
Uh…
Hey, buddy, that was, uh
That's fantastic. Uh, one note…
- Maybe try one where you don't hate it.
- It's so bad.
I know. I'm still burping up
the bite I had yesterday.
But you can pretend, right?
It's kinda like when
Remember when Beth was trying
that organic deodorant,
and we all told her
we couldn't tell the difference?
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Hey.
Yeah. You know what?
A handful of beeswax under there
does nothing. All right?
Let's do this.
- All right. Got this?
- Yep.
Okay.
- If I can?
- Absolutely. You're doing a great job.
Thank you. Action.
- Mmm. The box says fake, but
- [Kevin] No, cut.
You gotta cut. Sorry.
- I didn't finish my line.
- You said "mmm" before it's in your mouth.
- You said to pretend to like it.
- Yeah, but you haven't tasted it yet.
You know I tasted it.
But the people
watching the commercial don't.
- Good catch.
- Yeah, okay.
Can we run it from the top?
Let's do this now.
- Great. Action.
- Okay.
[Jake clears throat]
- Ah!
- No, cut. No, no, no, no.
You're saying "ah" like it's refreshing.
- Yeah.
- No, no. It's not lemonade, it's food.
- [Jake] Mmm…
- That That's…
That's closer, right there.
- Yeah. I got it.
- Okay. Keep the cameras rolling.
- Never stopped. Okay.
- Okay.
And action.
- [Jake] Mm.
- [Kevin] Oh, boy.
- What the heck was that?
- I don't know.
You look like DeNiro.
Mm. [mumbles]
No.
You look like you're on the fence.
Come on. Let's get this right.
What's the sound your motorcycle makes?
[imitates motorcycle]
There. There. Stay in second gear.
Let's get it going. Come on, second gear.
They're starting to get pissed off.
- Why, what'd they say?
- "We're starting to get pissed off."
Just, uh, action.
The box says steak,
but my mouth says fake.
[imitating second gear]
[continues imitating second gear]
[rock music playing]
The box says steak,
but my mouth says fake.
Oh. Still wrong.
[Jake sighs]
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it.
When it cuts together, it'll be fine.
- You don't think I'll look stupid?
- You're gonna look great.
You know the guy who plays Thor?
Chris Hemsworth?
Yeah.
He's actually a little person.
What?
It's a camera trick.
They get him close to the lens.
Everybody else is way back there.
- No way!
- It's kind of magical.
Hey.
You know
Chris Hemsworth's a little person?
- Who said that?
- [Kevin] I did.
To make Jake feel better
about the commercial.
Oh, yeah. He's tiny.
- What do we have here?
- Ugh. Not now, Blaney.
Just wanna introduce my buddy,
Cole Custer.
You guys
are used to seeing the back of his head.
'Cause they're always
behind me on the track.
Yes, I know, Cole.
That's why I said it the way I said it.
Thanks for stopping by, Ryan Blaney.
Mind if we stare at that thing
under your lip
till it turns into a butterfly?
[group laughing]
That's a good one, man.
What is in the box, by the way?
Oh, swag. Sweet.
It came in just after you guys left.
It's the new Fake Steak merch.
Is that a ram?
It's what my toe looked like
before I got it fixed.
It's like a mushroom and a cow had a baby.
A really ugly baby.
I bust my butt to build a car
to put this on the hood?
I know it sucks.
But hood sponsors pay our salaries.
I'm not wearing this.
Look, being a driver's not about
what sticker's on the car.
It's about being on the track.
It's why you get up at 4:00 a.m.
to practice.
- I'm not really a morning guy.
- [Kevin] Okay.
The point is, you got a lot of talent.
You're wide open.
You don't think about a lot of things.
You just wanna win,
and I love that about you.
Forget all that other stuff.
You can do this.
All right. Maybe I can.
Isn't that from Days of Thunder?
Yeah. And if this doesn't work,
he goes into that speech from Rudy
and changes "football" to "car."
- Please tell me that's your new sponsor.
- Yeah, they threw a ton of money at us.
They'd have to to get you to wear those.
[Blaney] Good luck.
- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can. Don't listen to them.
When Blaney and I are coming down
the stretch, who'll they cheer for?
Hot mushroom meat or MoneyLion?
Money and lions? It's the two best things.
I'm going with mushroom meat.
'Cause lions, they'll turn on you.
Just ask Siegfried and Roy.
- That was a tiger.
- You're not helping, Chuck.
Look, every time I race,
I think I'm gonna win.
I don't feel that anymore.
This Catherine chick
has been coming at me since day one.
She's been coming at everyone.
First, we interview
for jobs we already have,
and then she switches the sponsors
without even talking to us.
I was the Cup Series Rookie of the Year.
I was on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Aw, sweetie,
we made that for you at Six Flags.
Yeah, that's right.
Look, I've always trusted you.
If you tell me I gotta do this, I will.
But you used to drive. You know.
Would you get behind the wheel
if you were second-guessing yourself?
No.
Then why do you think I should?
Look, if you don't believe in yourself,
then there's no way we can win.
Everybody, take your hats off.
Put 'em in the box.
- Chuck, you like burning things, right?
- Hell yeah, I do.
Get rid of these.
- Gone.
- Where are you going?
I'm gonna fix this.
I'm gonna get Big Hoof back, and
You know what? This Fake Steak's a joke.
That logo's horrible,
the commercial was embarrassing.
- But you said that
- I lied. Chris Hemsworth's six foot three.
[rock music playing]
- [Catherine] How'd the shoot go yesterday?
- It was a train wreck.
But you swooped in and saved it?
No. I was inside the train.
You can't swoop from inside the train.
Was I not clear on how important this was?
You were clear,
which is why I'm gonna return the favor.
Fake Steak's got to go.
No.
- I'm not trying to overrule you.
- That's a relief.
It's just… it's not a NASCAR product.
I know you mean well,
but I know what I'm doing, all right?
I'm gonna call Big Hoof, talk to Rob,
and do what I can to get them back.
Oh, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
I am tired of this fight.
We're in the Fake Steak canoe
and rowing down the river.
Now, either grab a paddle and row with me
or get out of the canoe.
Okay. Does the paddle have
that dumb logo on it?
[Catherine] Yes, it does.
[sighs] Well then, you know what?
There's more than one canoe in this town.
- And by canoe, I mean other race teams.
- I know.
It was my metaphor.
Here's a meta-five. I'm out of the canoe.
[rock music playing]
- Did you fix it?
- Uh…
In a manner of speaking, yes.
So, no.
I made it worse.
How would you guys feel about
working for a bigger team, a better team?
- How'll you pull that off?
- I've been keeping this a secret, but, uh,
a lot of big teams
have been after me for a long time.
Many years.
Kev, you've never kept that a secret.
You brag about it all the time.
Okay.
But I've always said no in the past.
Today, I'm saying yes.
Because if we can't be respected
in the house that we built,
then we need to look someplace else.
- I don't know. This sounds very risky.
- When have I let you down?
Three minutes ago, when you said
you'd get our sponsor back and you didn't.
Okay. Other than then?
Or the time you said
you wouldn't date my mom.
We just went out to Pizza Hut and
She was a dud.
What about when I got arrested
in Jacksonville?
I'm not talking about little stuff, okay?
I was in jail for three days.
I am walking out that door
and getting us a better team.
We're gonna get one now.
[Beth sighs]
I got hepatitis.
You know All right, this is crazy.
[panting]
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
I
[panting] I'm gonna need one second
'cause that is a lot of stairs.
I never came up mad before.
Oh, God. [exhales]
Please. Have a seat.
Did you know Kevin is out there
right now I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I really thought
I could launch back into that. Okay.
I need some water. [breathes heavily]
[bottle clatters]
Yeah, I'm sorry,
there's no way I'm getting that.
Hit me again.
I'm assuming you talked to Kevin.
I don't want him to leave.
But if he does,
there are plenty of crew chiefs out there.
[exhales] Not like him.
Do you really think
he'll walk out of here alone?
He gets another job, everybody goes.
That's not gonna happen. Kevin can't get
another team running by Sunday.
He doesn't have to.
You're the one
that's gotta be at Indy this weekend.
Unless you can build a car and drive it,
it's gonna be the first time this team
hasn't shown up in 30 years.
Well, everyone can't just quit.
Yeah, they can.
And when you don't make the race,
you forfeit your points for the season.
You could lose your charter.
It might be
the end of Bobby Spencer Racing.
Well, that's not gonna happen
'cause I have a plan.
- What is it?
- It's a secret.
But it's very good.
And when I tell you it, you're gonna say,
"Wow."
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to put my plan into action.
I'm gonna sit here
until I can't hear my pulse anymore.
[rock music playing]
Mark.
- Hey, Kevin. Long time.
- Yeah.
I was just heading out to the store
to pick up some of that
delicious Smithfield bacon.
Oh, I keep forgetting
it's one of your sponsors. [laughs]
It's a small world.
I don't suppose you stopping by
has to do with Bobby retiring?
No. Nope.
Unrelated.
But Bobby is retiring.
And word is Stewart-Haas is starting up
a fourth team and you need a crew chief.
Look, you know I'm a fan
And you're not just getting me.
You're getting everybody.
My whole team.
Now, I hope you like
the taste of champagne
'cause you're gonna be drinking
a lot of it in victory lane.
I've been sober three years.
Couldn't do it in time
to save my marriage,
or my relationship with my kids,
but now, by the grace of God,
I'm part of a 12-step program.
Amen, amen.
Kevin, you are a great crew chief,
and I'd love to hire you.
Great. I'll start tomorrow.
Don't talk anymore, don't ruin it.
I wish you'd come to me sooner.
I'll tell you our secrets.
We cheat, constantly. Every week we cheat.
Look, times are changing.
You know as well as I do, it's more
a video game out there than a race.
When we tell our sponsors
we're getting a new crew chief,
the first question they ask is
where he got his engineering degree.
Do you want me working for a competitor?
You already do.
I know, but, like, a different one.
You're gonna hear
the same thing all over town.
Guys like you and me are dinosaurs.
You mean dinosaurs
as in top of the food chain, right?
Huge teeth. Short arms.
Knocking down people
with a tail-whip. Pow.
No.
Extinct.
My advice to you would be hold onto
that job with both your tiny hands.
What if I already let go?
Then I'd say you made a mistake, son.
[sighs] All right. I guess that's it.
All right.
Hold on a sec, Kev.
[Kevin sighs]
I can't send you away like this.
Thank you, Mark.
There's a coupon for five pounds of bacon.
Try the honey brickle. It's outrageous.
[tires squealing]
- You're back.
- Yeah.
- Uh, crazy day, huh?
- Yeah.
Hey, could we talk for a second?
Look, I owe you an apology.
Yeah, you do.
We're both passionate about the team.
Things got heated.
You have a lifetime of experience,
and I've been foolish to ignore it.
It's never gonna happen again.
Okay, that couldn't have been easy
for you to say, but
it did have to be said.
Apology accepted.
I know you've been meeting
with other owners.
- You probably have a ton of offers.
- I do. I do.
Put a little blood in the water,
and the sharks come a-swimmin'.
Well, look,
changing sponsors is a huge deal,
and I shouldn't have sprung it
on you and Jake.
This is as much your team
as it is my team.
Well, not as much.
Obviously, it's my team.
That's why I sign the front of the checks.
But it's your team.
Great. I'm just gonna call Big Hoof
and get them back
It's really not your team.
Look, Big Hoof's gone. We've got
a new contract, the owner's my friend,
so, if Fake Steak's a deal breaker,
and you've gotta leave
Wait, wait, first of all,
why do you jump right to deal breaker?
It's like It's not a deal breaker.
Yeah, no, I didn't.
- Neither did I.
- No deals are being broken.
- I agree completely.
- [Catherine] Okay.
But maybe we could just say that,
you know,
Jake doesn't have to do appearances
with the product.
Yeah, sorry. He's gotta.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay. Um…
He'll do appearances,
but he's not wearing the shirt.
- He has to wear the shirt.
- I don't mind the shirt.
I don't, you know.
And I don't think he does either.
But he's not eating the product.
That's one thing I put my foot down on.
No. He's gotta eat it.
I don't see a way around that.
I don't either. My foot's up. Uh…
That's a deal right there,
I think, right?
That's how negotiations work.
We're supposed to hurt a little,
each of us.
I feel good about this.
So, do we handshake?
You wanna hug it out? Double-gun walkaway?
You could leave and close the door.
Okay. I'm gonna
I guess I'll holster these and just
[engines roaring]
Okay. We already have
that other team if we need that.
But I was thinking this way,
and it's a little different,
but what if we were
to stay at Bobby Spencer Racing
and we sell Fake Steak?
It's another way to go.
Struck out getting the job, huh?
Remember when Randy Johnson
hit a bird with a pitch, and it exploded?
Yeah.
- I was that bird.
- [Chuck] Oh.
I did research on Fake Steak
and I gotta tell you,
it's an important product.
- Really?
- Come on.
I'm telling you,
plant-based protein is the future.
And gorillas, I didn't know this,
they eat nothing but vegetables,
and they're the strongest animal
on the planet.
Koko, the gorilla.
You know the first word he could sign was?
- [Beth] She.
- Okay, okay.
The first word he could sign,
and he had a choice of any word,
and you know what he came up with?
Mushroom.
Okay. No, Kev
There's no way that's true.
It's totally true. I saw a documentary.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It was hosted by Morgan Freeman,
so you know it's true.
- I believe him.
- No, wait.
Actually, Koko's first word was "love."
Fine. Then it was the second word.
- It doesn't really matter. No
- No, Kevin. That was "friend."
I'll tell you what
the third word was, okay? It was…
- See, that looked like mushroom.
- Like mushroom, but it was a punchy punch.
Anyway, the point is,
it wouldn't be the worst thing for us
to adopt a healthy lifestyle.
We all could start eating a bit better.
Do we agree?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- All right.
- All right! What'll it be?
I'm gonna go with Sloppy Joe.
- Pulled pork.
- Fried chicken.
- Meatloaf.
- You still doing the bottomless meatballs?
- Yep.
- Get us a couple of buckets to start off.
Oh, hey, my commercial!
[jingle playing]
[announcer] The box says fake,
but your mouth will say steak.
Right, NASCAR superstar, Jake Martin?
Yep.
Wow.
I know, buddy.
[laughing] I looked unbelievable.
[theme music playing]