The Critic s01e03 Episode Script
Dial 'M' for Mother
1 Hello? - Hello, Jay.
- This is your boss.
I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport.
And I wonder if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow.
Bring your jogging shoes.
It stinks.
Today I consider myself the luckiest guy in the whole wide world.
Wide world.
Wide world.
Lou, me and the boys have been working on a cure.
We call it "Lou gehrig's oil.
" Strength returning.
Lou gehrig's disease in remission.
Hey, lefty, toss me a fat one.
Extra! Extra! Depression over! And bill cosby born! And thanks to you, bambino, I'll live to see his warm, unthreatening comedy.
Well, that's a clip from the new remake of pride of the Yankees.
The studio changed the ending because test audiences thought this one was nicer.
Well, let me tell you, life is not all happy endings, and you're mature enough to know the tru Just what do you call this? I had these made to lighten up your show.
Here's my favorite.
"We'll be right bark"? Jay, let me tell you something.
Our test audiences find you cold, uncaring, and homely.
Well, if they think I'm homely now, they should see this.
Ugh! Son, I'm gonna do you a big favor.
I'm giving you 5 days of my time to turn you around.
Well, what if 5 days isn't enough? Son, I only spent 3 days with a young man named Bill Clinton, Yeah.
Now, come on.
We don't have a minute to lose.
What about my show? Ah, we'll run some time filler.
Today there's a new word for hope in America, and that word is dukakis.
On to, uh Victory in November.
A LA Victoria en noviembre.
This audience monitors all our shows.
Here's what they think of you.
And that's why I'm glad the Beatles broke up.
That's not so bad.
Oh, yeah? I'm worse than Hitler? Ah, not worse.
Just less warm and cuddly.
Jay, test groups like this determine what you watch on t.
V.
, what kind of car you drive, even who runs this country.
Hey, man, when do I get my free cookie? We've got ginger snaps! All right! You know, that dude with the mustache is really gnarly.
Is he in a band? That's Adolf Hitler! Don't you recognize him? Oh, right.
He played the mailman on cheers.
Oh! Why so glum, my big-bummed chum? Oh, why don't people like me? Oh, would you shut up? All the guy did was not die.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not really a bad guy.
I probably said that because of my own fear of aging.
It's what's in your heart that counts.
Good arm.
Eh, you got a big head.
Look, mate, I wouldn't tell this to anyone else.
People wonder why I'm so popular.
I'm not that tall, I'm not that great an actor.
I hate your country and it shows.
But you know what saves me? It's this expression.
How do you do that? My trick is to picture myself having drinks with a beautiful woman.
Maybe it's the champagne talking, but you're the ugliest man I've ever seen in my life.
Ow! You have to be more likable.
Just picture yourself with a beautiful woman.
I'm the son of Greek immigrants.
Boss, I had an idea to lighten up my image.
A special feature: Films I have loved.
Ok, but this better not be a list of arty foreign films that nobody gives a crap about.
Uh, let me just revise the list a little.
Huh Citizen who? Kane? You know, I had some ideas for your show myself.
What is this, a stuffed bear? Nah.
The animal rights people wouldn't allow that.
We just doped him up and propped him against the wall.
The whole point of this is to help you relax, loosen up, to let you be you.
I am not wearing a toupee.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not! Ahhh! You know, that's very painful.
Not to me.
Well, at least you got rid of that stupid shermometer.
That thing was an abomination.
Have you no shame? Get out of here! But it's the part I was born for.
Tell you what, Jay, no more gimmicks.
But I do think people would like to see you on air with your son.
Oh? Well, I'm sure it would be a thrill for him.
You're not just my daddy.
You're my bestest fwend.
Who the hell is this? This is Billy.
He's a child actor.
Test audiences find me iwwesistible.
Well, I find you wepulsive and wepugnant.
Hey, that speech impediment shtick is copyrighted.
You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
I mean wawyers.
Jay, we need something to take the edge off of you.
Hmm, how about a sassy black kid? He could call you Uncle Jay, and you could call him, uh, little shabazz.
Ah, I'm sorry, boss.
It's clear you've worked long and hard to come up with these mind-bogglingly stupid ideas! I mean, I might even go for them, if I had the brains of an ice cube, and the self-esteem of a worm! Uh, no offense.
You got 3 days left, pee wee.
And that is why Goldie hawn should be shot.
And now we introduce a new feature of the show, which makes me want to retch, our Turkey of the week.
Ow! You hormone-fed buzzard! I like it.
They've got kind of a siskel-and-ebert thing going.
Gotcha! You know, I really enjoyed your show today.
Shut up! Jay, I just thought you should know the bear feels terrible about what happened.
He hopes he can still be a part of your show.
Oh, come on.
Just look at him.
Please, he wants to do a little dance for you.
Your act's like your fur, it stinks! Come, Sasha.
Last time you ate a critic, you spent 2 weeks sitting on the can.
Maybe we're going about this the wrong way.
Jay, how do you get along with your mother? Mmm Now, Stephanie, would you like to make out? Oh, Jay, what are you doing without your acne cream, night brace, and eye patch? Now, how about a kiss? Ugh! We have a better than average relationship.
Why? Geraldo Rivera's doing a special: Celebrities and their moms.
I think you should do it.
I don't know.
Come on, gay celebrities love to be seen with their mothers.
Remember liberace? I'm not gay.
Whoa, tiger, save it for the special.
I'm not.
Ok.
You don't think I'm gay, do you? No man in his right mind would sleep with you.
Thank you.
Mom, I wouldn't come to you like this, but I need a favor.
Would you please come on t.
V.
With me? Son, I have no intention of prancing around on the idiot box like some latter-day Al jolson.
Please, mammy.
Do it for your Sonny boy.
Pappy, talk to mammy.
I'm not wearing pants.
I split my pants, and now I'm not wearing pants.
I'm in trouble here, I really am.
Can't you come on t.
V.
For 5 minutes and just say that you love me? Sure.
And you know something? It's not that far from the truth.
Son loves mother, sweet romance, poor old father has no pants.
So, Geraldo, you're doing an expose of the sherman family, are you? No, not really.
Well, I'll let you in on a little secret.
They have a hideous child they keep locked up in a little room.
There he be.
That's a sack of potatoes.
But he's wearing a little t-shirt with his name on it: Ap.
That's "a & p.
" Curse ye, Geraldo, and your journalistic integrity! Your skin is so smooth.
What's your secret? I scrub my face vigorously with a steel wool pad.
Then I stick my face in boiling water for 2 minutes exactly.
Really? Then I take the broth, add carrots and seasonings, and serve it to the boys in the boathouse.
Hag-face soup.
Arr.
Geraldo, this is my father, Franklin.
I've prepared a list of softball questions you can lob at him.
Franklin, my name is Geraldo.
Can you say Geraldo? Raldo.
Good.
You mind if we talk? The time for talk is past.
Now is the time for action.
I hear you can say your name backwards.
Is that true? Nilknarf.
What's your favorite food in the whole wide world? Nilknarf.
Good evening.
I'm Geraldo Rivera.
Tonight we'll be talking to 3 very different celebrities and their mothers.
It was a difficult delivery.
I was in labor for 2-and-a-half weeks.
No pain, no gain.
We think he may have been switched at birth.
But who cares? He makes $15 million a year.
Uh, I'm late for my shift at McDonald's.
But first we'll be talking to film critic, Jay sherman and his mother, Eleanor.
Jay, I'd like to start by asking about a few rumors that have dogged you your whole career.
First of all, it's been said that you talk over the heads of your audience.
Well, Geraldo, to quote the last line of gargantua and pantagruel, "honni soit qui mal y pense.
" Ugh! They curb violence, but they allow this.
D'oh! Ay, caramba! Now, this I understand.
Number 2, how can I put this? There's no question that you've gotten fatter since your show began.
Geraldo, I suffer from a rare disorder that causes patches of fat to spring up all over my body.
It forces me to eat fatty snack foods to even these patches out.
The disease is called Vitilardo.
My doctor will back me up on this.
Liar.
This is the day we went to the orphanage to pick out a son.
Eh, eh.
We picked Jay because we thought he was a monkey.
His original name was Mr.
bip.
And this is Jay trying out for the track team.
That's not slow motion.
I can still see it when I shut my eyes.
You're not supposed to look directly at it.
This is the original shermometer.
Jay loved for me to use it, even when he wasn't sick.
Oh, come on, please.
He'd shake his little Fanny and say, "take my temperature, mommy.
Take my temperature.
" Oh, God.
And there's an interesting story behind this prom photo.
Mother, you've been belittling me my whole life, and now I've got to say it.
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You are a disgrace to this family.
Now who wants to boogie with baby '37? Shut up, shut up, shut up! Jay, little buddy, I got one question.
Why, in a show designed to improve your warmth, did you chew out your mama in front of 100 million viewers? That's what you ask about.
No questions about the old man in the diaper? I thought he was cute Till the diaper dropped, but that still doesn't explain why you did such a terrible thing.
My entire life, that woman has been chipping away at me.
I thought she could stop for 5 minutes.
Oh, what am I gonna do? Son, you're on your own.
Because to me you're just a tiny ant crawling on a big mound of my honey.
You think I'm an ant? No.
I think you're a fat toilet I'm flushing my money down, sort of a "Johnny cash.
" Hey, man, that's witty.
Send it to reader's digest.
Yes, sir.
Ah, Mr.
sherman, and your ripening sister.
Jay, I have just the table for you.
I just get this feeling lately that everyone hates me.
Oh, you always think that.
Excuse me.
I've suddenly lost my appetite.
My mother was a Saint.
Yes.
I'm sure she was unimpeachable.
Baldheaded schmutz.
Gee, I guess you do have a problem.
Yeah.
So, did mom get my hickory farms basket? Pull! Did she at least see the video apology I sent? Oh, my mama attack on sight.
Look, I'm 16, and for the past 10 years, I've been trying to hold this family together.
Well, give it up.
I'm a grown man.
I don't need my mother anymore to cut up my meat for me.
Excuse me, Mr.
sherman.
The kindly old lady over there asked me to give you this.
What? Ow! Now, would you stand up so I may knee you in the groin? Ok, but this is the last time.
"Critic Jay sherman bludgeons mother with Bible!" Oh, how could anyone believe such wow! "Delta Burke really a man.
" Look, there he is! Look, there he is! Dad, I've got to talk to mom.
She's in the hospital, son.
Ever since that interview, she just lost the will to live.
I haven't left her side.
You're not with her now.
I'm not on trial here Am I? What's wrong with her, doctor? She's suffering from the one thing we can't cure: A broken heart.
Young man, you've got a bad case of the blues.
I'm afraid it's puppy love.
I heard you were here and I came right down.
Sorry I did this to you.
I love you.
I hear something, and I smell something, but I don't see anything.
Take this tray away.
I don't want it.
Please, mother, you need your strength.
Uh-uh.
Mmm, peach cobbler.
Mmm.
More.
More.
Why don't you hook up my glucose bag while you're at it? I'm sorry.
I can be pretty insensitive, I know.
Try to say it without spitting so much cobbler at me.
Oh, it's hopeless.
You don't really care about me at all.
Mother-hater! Wh-what happened? Why, the only problem here is a badly bruised ego.
Well, that's a relief.
Oh, and there's a large shard of glass in your brain.
Right here.
Hmm.
That shouldn't happen.
Oh, well.
Who's that? I know someone's there.
Mom! How long have you been watching over me? 2 hours.
I was afraid you were going to die, and the thought of it broke my heart.
Aw, you do care.
I guess I should try to show you more often.
After all, you are my only son.
You still could set young men's hearts aflutter.
Thank you.
And that's our show for today.
All the movies stink, particularly the 3 by John Hughes.
Now, I'd like to thank our guest reviewer, my mother.
You're welcome, son.
I, uh What does that say? "I love you.
" Oh, I love you.
Yes.
And I love you, too.
Oh, my mama I gave him 5 days and he's become a national scandal and then redeemed himself.
What could you do with me in 5 days? Honey, I could make you Mrs.
Ernest borgnine.
Pass.
Oh, my mama well, I guess it's a happy ending.
Yeah, but it's not happy enough.
Happy 1937, everybody! Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir, the show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
Shh!
- This is your boss.
I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport.
And I wonder if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow.
Bring your jogging shoes.
It stinks.
Today I consider myself the luckiest guy in the whole wide world.
Wide world.
Wide world.
Lou, me and the boys have been working on a cure.
We call it "Lou gehrig's oil.
" Strength returning.
Lou gehrig's disease in remission.
Hey, lefty, toss me a fat one.
Extra! Extra! Depression over! And bill cosby born! And thanks to you, bambino, I'll live to see his warm, unthreatening comedy.
Well, that's a clip from the new remake of pride of the Yankees.
The studio changed the ending because test audiences thought this one was nicer.
Well, let me tell you, life is not all happy endings, and you're mature enough to know the tru Just what do you call this? I had these made to lighten up your show.
Here's my favorite.
"We'll be right bark"? Jay, let me tell you something.
Our test audiences find you cold, uncaring, and homely.
Well, if they think I'm homely now, they should see this.
Ugh! Son, I'm gonna do you a big favor.
I'm giving you 5 days of my time to turn you around.
Well, what if 5 days isn't enough? Son, I only spent 3 days with a young man named Bill Clinton, Yeah.
Now, come on.
We don't have a minute to lose.
What about my show? Ah, we'll run some time filler.
Today there's a new word for hope in America, and that word is dukakis.
On to, uh Victory in November.
A LA Victoria en noviembre.
This audience monitors all our shows.
Here's what they think of you.
And that's why I'm glad the Beatles broke up.
That's not so bad.
Oh, yeah? I'm worse than Hitler? Ah, not worse.
Just less warm and cuddly.
Jay, test groups like this determine what you watch on t.
V.
, what kind of car you drive, even who runs this country.
Hey, man, when do I get my free cookie? We've got ginger snaps! All right! You know, that dude with the mustache is really gnarly.
Is he in a band? That's Adolf Hitler! Don't you recognize him? Oh, right.
He played the mailman on cheers.
Oh! Why so glum, my big-bummed chum? Oh, why don't people like me? Oh, would you shut up? All the guy did was not die.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not really a bad guy.
I probably said that because of my own fear of aging.
It's what's in your heart that counts.
Good arm.
Eh, you got a big head.
Look, mate, I wouldn't tell this to anyone else.
People wonder why I'm so popular.
I'm not that tall, I'm not that great an actor.
I hate your country and it shows.
But you know what saves me? It's this expression.
How do you do that? My trick is to picture myself having drinks with a beautiful woman.
Maybe it's the champagne talking, but you're the ugliest man I've ever seen in my life.
Ow! You have to be more likable.
Just picture yourself with a beautiful woman.
I'm the son of Greek immigrants.
Boss, I had an idea to lighten up my image.
A special feature: Films I have loved.
Ok, but this better not be a list of arty foreign films that nobody gives a crap about.
Uh, let me just revise the list a little.
Huh Citizen who? Kane? You know, I had some ideas for your show myself.
What is this, a stuffed bear? Nah.
The animal rights people wouldn't allow that.
We just doped him up and propped him against the wall.
The whole point of this is to help you relax, loosen up, to let you be you.
I am not wearing a toupee.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not! Ahhh! You know, that's very painful.
Not to me.
Well, at least you got rid of that stupid shermometer.
That thing was an abomination.
Have you no shame? Get out of here! But it's the part I was born for.
Tell you what, Jay, no more gimmicks.
But I do think people would like to see you on air with your son.
Oh? Well, I'm sure it would be a thrill for him.
You're not just my daddy.
You're my bestest fwend.
Who the hell is this? This is Billy.
He's a child actor.
Test audiences find me iwwesistible.
Well, I find you wepulsive and wepugnant.
Hey, that speech impediment shtick is copyrighted.
You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
I mean wawyers.
Jay, we need something to take the edge off of you.
Hmm, how about a sassy black kid? He could call you Uncle Jay, and you could call him, uh, little shabazz.
Ah, I'm sorry, boss.
It's clear you've worked long and hard to come up with these mind-bogglingly stupid ideas! I mean, I might even go for them, if I had the brains of an ice cube, and the self-esteem of a worm! Uh, no offense.
You got 3 days left, pee wee.
And that is why Goldie hawn should be shot.
And now we introduce a new feature of the show, which makes me want to retch, our Turkey of the week.
Ow! You hormone-fed buzzard! I like it.
They've got kind of a siskel-and-ebert thing going.
Gotcha! You know, I really enjoyed your show today.
Shut up! Jay, I just thought you should know the bear feels terrible about what happened.
He hopes he can still be a part of your show.
Oh, come on.
Just look at him.
Please, he wants to do a little dance for you.
Your act's like your fur, it stinks! Come, Sasha.
Last time you ate a critic, you spent 2 weeks sitting on the can.
Maybe we're going about this the wrong way.
Jay, how do you get along with your mother? Mmm Now, Stephanie, would you like to make out? Oh, Jay, what are you doing without your acne cream, night brace, and eye patch? Now, how about a kiss? Ugh! We have a better than average relationship.
Why? Geraldo Rivera's doing a special: Celebrities and their moms.
I think you should do it.
I don't know.
Come on, gay celebrities love to be seen with their mothers.
Remember liberace? I'm not gay.
Whoa, tiger, save it for the special.
I'm not.
Ok.
You don't think I'm gay, do you? No man in his right mind would sleep with you.
Thank you.
Mom, I wouldn't come to you like this, but I need a favor.
Would you please come on t.
V.
With me? Son, I have no intention of prancing around on the idiot box like some latter-day Al jolson.
Please, mammy.
Do it for your Sonny boy.
Pappy, talk to mammy.
I'm not wearing pants.
I split my pants, and now I'm not wearing pants.
I'm in trouble here, I really am.
Can't you come on t.
V.
For 5 minutes and just say that you love me? Sure.
And you know something? It's not that far from the truth.
Son loves mother, sweet romance, poor old father has no pants.
So, Geraldo, you're doing an expose of the sherman family, are you? No, not really.
Well, I'll let you in on a little secret.
They have a hideous child they keep locked up in a little room.
There he be.
That's a sack of potatoes.
But he's wearing a little t-shirt with his name on it: Ap.
That's "a & p.
" Curse ye, Geraldo, and your journalistic integrity! Your skin is so smooth.
What's your secret? I scrub my face vigorously with a steel wool pad.
Then I stick my face in boiling water for 2 minutes exactly.
Really? Then I take the broth, add carrots and seasonings, and serve it to the boys in the boathouse.
Hag-face soup.
Arr.
Geraldo, this is my father, Franklin.
I've prepared a list of softball questions you can lob at him.
Franklin, my name is Geraldo.
Can you say Geraldo? Raldo.
Good.
You mind if we talk? The time for talk is past.
Now is the time for action.
I hear you can say your name backwards.
Is that true? Nilknarf.
What's your favorite food in the whole wide world? Nilknarf.
Good evening.
I'm Geraldo Rivera.
Tonight we'll be talking to 3 very different celebrities and their mothers.
It was a difficult delivery.
I was in labor for 2-and-a-half weeks.
No pain, no gain.
We think he may have been switched at birth.
But who cares? He makes $15 million a year.
Uh, I'm late for my shift at McDonald's.
But first we'll be talking to film critic, Jay sherman and his mother, Eleanor.
Jay, I'd like to start by asking about a few rumors that have dogged you your whole career.
First of all, it's been said that you talk over the heads of your audience.
Well, Geraldo, to quote the last line of gargantua and pantagruel, "honni soit qui mal y pense.
" Ugh! They curb violence, but they allow this.
D'oh! Ay, caramba! Now, this I understand.
Number 2, how can I put this? There's no question that you've gotten fatter since your show began.
Geraldo, I suffer from a rare disorder that causes patches of fat to spring up all over my body.
It forces me to eat fatty snack foods to even these patches out.
The disease is called Vitilardo.
My doctor will back me up on this.
Liar.
This is the day we went to the orphanage to pick out a son.
Eh, eh.
We picked Jay because we thought he was a monkey.
His original name was Mr.
bip.
And this is Jay trying out for the track team.
That's not slow motion.
I can still see it when I shut my eyes.
You're not supposed to look directly at it.
This is the original shermometer.
Jay loved for me to use it, even when he wasn't sick.
Oh, come on, please.
He'd shake his little Fanny and say, "take my temperature, mommy.
Take my temperature.
" Oh, God.
And there's an interesting story behind this prom photo.
Mother, you've been belittling me my whole life, and now I've got to say it.
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You are a disgrace to this family.
Now who wants to boogie with baby '37? Shut up, shut up, shut up! Jay, little buddy, I got one question.
Why, in a show designed to improve your warmth, did you chew out your mama in front of 100 million viewers? That's what you ask about.
No questions about the old man in the diaper? I thought he was cute Till the diaper dropped, but that still doesn't explain why you did such a terrible thing.
My entire life, that woman has been chipping away at me.
I thought she could stop for 5 minutes.
Oh, what am I gonna do? Son, you're on your own.
Because to me you're just a tiny ant crawling on a big mound of my honey.
You think I'm an ant? No.
I think you're a fat toilet I'm flushing my money down, sort of a "Johnny cash.
" Hey, man, that's witty.
Send it to reader's digest.
Yes, sir.
Ah, Mr.
sherman, and your ripening sister.
Jay, I have just the table for you.
I just get this feeling lately that everyone hates me.
Oh, you always think that.
Excuse me.
I've suddenly lost my appetite.
My mother was a Saint.
Yes.
I'm sure she was unimpeachable.
Baldheaded schmutz.
Gee, I guess you do have a problem.
Yeah.
So, did mom get my hickory farms basket? Pull! Did she at least see the video apology I sent? Oh, my mama attack on sight.
Look, I'm 16, and for the past 10 years, I've been trying to hold this family together.
Well, give it up.
I'm a grown man.
I don't need my mother anymore to cut up my meat for me.
Excuse me, Mr.
sherman.
The kindly old lady over there asked me to give you this.
What? Ow! Now, would you stand up so I may knee you in the groin? Ok, but this is the last time.
"Critic Jay sherman bludgeons mother with Bible!" Oh, how could anyone believe such wow! "Delta Burke really a man.
" Look, there he is! Look, there he is! Dad, I've got to talk to mom.
She's in the hospital, son.
Ever since that interview, she just lost the will to live.
I haven't left her side.
You're not with her now.
I'm not on trial here Am I? What's wrong with her, doctor? She's suffering from the one thing we can't cure: A broken heart.
Young man, you've got a bad case of the blues.
I'm afraid it's puppy love.
I heard you were here and I came right down.
Sorry I did this to you.
I love you.
I hear something, and I smell something, but I don't see anything.
Take this tray away.
I don't want it.
Please, mother, you need your strength.
Uh-uh.
Mmm, peach cobbler.
Mmm.
More.
More.
Why don't you hook up my glucose bag while you're at it? I'm sorry.
I can be pretty insensitive, I know.
Try to say it without spitting so much cobbler at me.
Oh, it's hopeless.
You don't really care about me at all.
Mother-hater! Wh-what happened? Why, the only problem here is a badly bruised ego.
Well, that's a relief.
Oh, and there's a large shard of glass in your brain.
Right here.
Hmm.
That shouldn't happen.
Oh, well.
Who's that? I know someone's there.
Mom! How long have you been watching over me? 2 hours.
I was afraid you were going to die, and the thought of it broke my heart.
Aw, you do care.
I guess I should try to show you more often.
After all, you are my only son.
You still could set young men's hearts aflutter.
Thank you.
And that's our show for today.
All the movies stink, particularly the 3 by John Hughes.
Now, I'd like to thank our guest reviewer, my mother.
You're welcome, son.
I, uh What does that say? "I love you.
" Oh, I love you.
Yes.
And I love you, too.
Oh, my mama I gave him 5 days and he's become a national scandal and then redeemed himself.
What could you do with me in 5 days? Honey, I could make you Mrs.
Ernest borgnine.
Pass.
Oh, my mama well, I guess it's a happy ending.
Yeah, but it's not happy enough.
Happy 1937, everybody! Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir, the show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
Shh!