The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, it's from Drew.
It's a PBS tote bag!
Oh, nice, Drew, you get that
free for the minimum donation.
No, you get that
when you buy the watch.
Hey, I got Three Tenors.
I don't know that was
in there, give me that.
I mean, uh, congratulations.
(Mimi)
'Just a little something
for your honeymoon.'
If you work up
an appetite, it's edible.
Yeah, there's a bite missing.
This one got separated from the
gift, I'm still looking for it.
It's from Kate.
Well, wherever
it is, thanks, Kate.
My pleasure, congratulations.
What did you, uh,
what did you get her?
Card with a piece of wrapping
paper taped to the back.
Wow, next office party
I'm going on a gift with you.
Hey it's my fifth
wedding shower this month
for someone I barely know.
Where's the party
for single people?
Just once I would like
to blow out the candles
on a, "Yes, I'm not
pregnant" cake.
Easy, Kate, you might wanna
save some of that bitterness
for your 40s.
- Drew, can I talk to you?
- I was just going.
Kate, you know, I could never
find that gift you gave me
for my baby shower.
Oh, it was that
thing they jump
you know, walk,
run, eat it, the toy.
Oh, right, thanks.
So, white buddy, how you doin'?
You gotta fire me.
- What?
- Look.
My wife's expecting any day now
and I'd love to spend
some time with her and the baby.
We both know I'm not going
anywhere with this job.
I mean, how long can a guy
stay in women's shoes?
Ha ha ha.
Anyway, the only way
I could afford to do this
is by collecting unemployment.
That'd be great, you can show up
for your kid's Career Day
with a beer and a "TV Guide."
Hey, if they still had
paternity leave
I wouldn't have
to ask you for this.
So what do you say?
I don't know, this is weird.
Nobody ever asked
to be fired before.
One guy wanted to be
chastised at office meetings
but, you know,
go deal with that.
Come on, Drew,
I'd fire you in a heartbeat.
There's rules, man.
I-I can get in trouble for this.
I just can't go
firing people willy-nilly.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
you're fired!
How about if I had
a bad attitude?
Hey, the heck with you, buddy.
How's that?
Oh, man.
Look, I'll fire you for the kid.
What if I just put down, uh,
I don't knowincompetence?
Thanks.
- When did you have long hair?
- That's my mother.
You better watch it,
pal, you're this close
to getting your job back.
Congratulations,
Ed, you're fired!
Fi-red, alright.
Wait till I tell my wife.
Wait, there's more,
you only got six months to live.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath
your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
Wow! Fuzzy Jell-O.
[screams]
Jules, Jules!
Hey-hey-hey, buddy..
you don't fly, do you?
Didn't I flush you
down the toilet 30 years ago?
What is it Drew buddy?
[sighs]
I believe this belongs to you.
Oh, man!
Harley, Harley..
go home, home!
Harley, home!
Man, is he stubborn.
This is the third
time this week.
You said you were gonna
get a cage for him.
You know, Drew..
we try to be
good neighbors.
But, you know, it's like you get
rattled over every little thing.
I got a six-foot lizard
on my pool table!
What kinda weirdo
puts a pool table outside?
That's just askin' for lizards.
Sorry, Jules,
I'll keep that in mind.
Whatever happened to normal
pets like hamsters and bats.
[knocking on door]
[indistinct shouting]
Oh, go back, yuck!
[retches]
Hey, Jules!
Tell your monkey to quit
whipping his crap at my friends!
It's like living
in a Hitchcock movie
in this damn house.
So, what do you guys
wanna see tonight?
Anything but romance
or Pauly Shore.
I don't get it,
what's wrong with romance?
Nothing's wrong with romance.
I'll see a romantic movie
as long as there's blood
and everybody gets
blown up at the end.
Yeah, let's see, we got
a couple choices here then, uh..
"Headless In Seattle"
or "The Way We Were"
before you blew us up.
- What's wrong with you?
- I'm sorry.
I just can't stop thinking
about that party this morning.
Most of the girls I went to
school with are either married
or getting married and I guess,
it's starting to kind of bug me.
Most of the guys I went to
school with are either fat
or getting fat, you don't
see me cryin' about it.
Carry on.
I don't think
there's any special age
you have to get
married, I mean, I think
it's when you meet
the right person, you know.
I mean, 50% of all marriages
in America end in failure.
A person gets hit
by a car every ten minutes.
Two-and-a-half acres
of rain forest
disappear every second.
What are you trying to say?
I gotta stop sleeping
with the TV on.
Come on, you can get
a husband like that.
Yeah.
Please, I don't need a husband.
I just want a wedding.
I don't want a husband either.
I just want someone
to appreciate
how hard I work
around this house.
- Aww..
- You guys don't get it!
When I was a little girl, I..
saw myself getting
married in a big church
filled with beautiful flowers,
wearing a white wedding dress.
And I saw myself at the altar
next to, um, David Cassidy.
Kate, don't worry about it.
I mean, look at
the bride of Frankenstein.
She got married
after she was dead.
There's still hope for you.
[chuckles]
You know what, you're right.
Here I'm sitting with my friends
feeling sorry for myself,
I could do this at home.
- Sure.
- Bye.
Oh, Kate.
You, uh, you sure you're okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
If you want, you can take
my raincoat, you know, in case
Bobo had a big breakfast.
Thanks.
Boy, she's really
out of her mind
with this whole wedding thing.
I mean, I wanna get
marriedin theory.
You know, we all wanna get
married in a perfect world.
Marriage is great
hypothetically.
We're all scared, kid.
Anybody who says
different's a damn liar!
[hooting]
Stop that!
You're freakin' me out.
We're talking about Kate here.
Oh, she's just freaked
out about the ceremony.
I'm not even thinking
about the ceremony.
You know, except, uh,
when I was dating Jackie
we did actually
talk about getting married
in a flower garden
in her parents' backyard.
And then, you know, later on
when we could afford it
we'd have
a real ceremony in Vegas.
You know,
Elvis impersonator..
the whole shebang.
Man, between you and Kate,
you two should get married.
Hey, you know,
when I was in college
there was this fraternity
that used to do this
uh, shotgun wedding
party every spring..
Man, I'm telling
you it was huge.
It was like a big gag ceremony.
Kate would be
the center of attention.
- Boy, she'd love it!
- 'It's perfect.'
That could really
cheer Kate right up.
Okay, all we need
is a wedding dress
some handcuffs and some flowers.
Hey, I got all that
stuff in my trunk.
And Drew is the lucky groom,
you get to provide your own tux.
Oh, man, maybe I could
fit into my prom tux..
I'd like to wear it once.
[instrumental music]
- Hi, Mimi.
- Hi, pig.
Ding ding ding ding ding..
High pay!
- Drew, you got a minute?
- Ed, you new dad, you.
Don't tell me, baby pictures.
Hey, can't get enough
of those, 'cause, you know
babies look so different.
No pictures,
Drew, I got a problem.
Well, you know, if you're having
trouble coming up with a name
I, uh, I did fire you, you know.
No, we gave him the name, Chan
after the guy
my wife had an affair with.
- What?
- The baby's Chinese.
- And your wife isn't?
- You kiddin'?
She won't even eat
mandarin oranges.
Ed, I don't know what to say,
this is unbelievable.
I wish there was
something I could do.
Give me my job back.
Whoa, Ed, even if I wanted to
the position's
already been filled.
It's been less than
a week, who'd you hire?
Oh, some guy named Wong.
Anyway I'd love to help you
butI put my butt
on the line for the first time
I just can't go
back there and undo it.
Fine, Mr. Rules Guy,
if you need me
I'll be livin'
in a cardboard box.
If I'm not there,
try the gun shop.
After that, just watch the news.
Oh, hey, wait a minute,
I'll-I'll see what I can do.
No promises, okay? But I'll..
Look, I spend a lot of time
talking to my employees
about their problems and..
what happened to you
isn't so out of the ordinary.
I mean, sure, you gave up
a job you didn't have to
and your wife had
somebody else's baby.
Well, we'll see
you around, buddy.
- So where is Kate?
- Man, this is gonna be great.
She's in the bridal department
puttin' on the dress.
She thinks I'm driving her
to a catalog photo shoot.
How'd you get the dress?
Same way I got
the big screen TV
for when "Saved By The Bell"
went to France.
I bought it
and I'm takin' it back tomorrow.
Oh, hello! Wow!
Dive! Dive!
Wow, baby.
So lucky that model got sick.
That'll teach her to eat
twice in one day.
What're you guys doing here?
- We're modeling too.
- Yeah.
We're gonna be, uh..
We're, uh..
What are we gonna be, Oswald?
- Bears.
- Bears!
Wait a sec.. What are you doing?
Uh, put me down. Knock it off!
[grunts]
I really gotta get
some girlfriends.
[instrumental music]
[cheering]
All rise!
Boy, am I glad I didn't tell
you guys I wanted a baby.
What are you looking at?
You ever see a bride in
handcuffs walking down the aisle
to Polka music before,
where the hell have you been?
Hey, look at me,
I'm gettin' married.
Before we begin,
one quick announcement.
The happy couple
has made their selections
in the Warsaw Tavern
Bridal Registry.
Nothing in cans, bottles only.
Also, if anyone's interested in
a '84 Ford Escort, see me after.
- Padre.
- Thank you.
Marriage, the final frontier.
'We are gathered here,
not only to witness'
'the humiliation
of our friend Kate'
but hopefully sell a car.
And who knows,
maybe a used snowblower.
Fifty bucks. Clean.
[all cheering]
Drew Carey,
are you prepared to enter
into the state of holy
acrimony with Kate O'Brien
to drink with her,
to cleave to her
to boldly go where at least
20 or 30 men have gone before?
Wait-wait!
Single digits, please.
Hey, look at me,
I'm gettin' married.
Yeah, they can't believe
it either, Drew.
Would you now, please,
place the beer in her hand?
And you, Kate O'Brien
are you prepared to wed Drew
to bed Drew
to boldly go where
no woman has gone willingly
without the promise of
a free dinner or cold hard cash?
I've had worse.
Twenty or thirty guys.
Let's get on with it,
I'm losing my buzz.
Drew Carey..
do you take Kate to be
your unlawfully-wedded wife?
- Ow!
- Good enough.
And you, Kate, will you
please take Drew as is
no refunds, all sales final,
store credit with receipt only?
Do you have anything in my size?
Is there any reason
why these two
should not be joined together?
(crowd)
Yes!
Well, since
there are no objections
I'd like to remind the bride
before we take
the handcuffs off
that we only did this
to make her happy
and it was all Drew's idea.
With that said, I now pronounce
you drunk and disorderly.
You may now kiss my ass.
[instrumental music]
Hey, I thought we registered
for a service for eight.
You got cheap friends,
what do you want?
Hey, another gift
from the boys at the bar.
Boy, you can never
have too many of these.
Hey, honey,
little something for the den.
Oh, you're
a lucky man, Drew Carey.
You really picked
yourself a winner there.
Yup. Kate cleans up pretty good.
How do you think,
Kate's not married for real?
- Well, 'cause she dates losers.
- She's demanding.
She's bossy.
She hits.
I guess.
You ever wondered why, uh,
one of us never married Kate?
It'll be like
marrying your sister.
Hey, some countries,
they do that.
I've always thought
we were saving her
you know, just in case.
It's kind of weird, though,
that none of us ever dated her.
Especially you, Drew.
I guess I was too busy
fantasying about Oswald's mom.
- Yeah, your mom was hot.
- Shut up.
Jazzercising in her
little disco shorts.
Yeah, well, maybe
I watch your mom too
in her big polyester pant suit
mowin' the lawn.
Well, I guess, that's the reason
why we never dated Kate.
- How about you?
- She knew me too well.
But I did carry her
eighth grade picture
around with me in my wallet.
I told everybody that
she was my girlfriend.
It was kinda sweet
back then, but now
I get the weirdest looks.
I had that picture
with the lip gloss
the mouth slightly parted, mm..
Eighth grade was
a good year for Kate.
[whistles]
You know why
none of us ever dated Kate?
No.
Because she never showed
the slightest
romantic interest in any of us.
I don't know. I kissed her once.
- What?
- I did, grade six.
She had mono and she dared me.
Still counts.
I, uhI saw Kate naked once.
Get outta here.
How much did a thing
like that cost ya?
- Nothing, she was 16.
- Sixteen?
Yeah, we were up in her house,
up in her bedroom and bam!
She changed
right in front of me.
Wow, I have a theory,
is she real hairy?
Well, she wasn't then,
the point is
she changed in front of me
like I wasn't even there.
That's when I realized, she
doesn't even see me as a guy.
- Ah! That's gotta hurt.
- Yeah, sorry, man.
- Still counts, though.
- Hey, yeah!
[instrumental music]
(Kate)
'Whoo!'
'What a rush!'
'Now I know why dogs do it!'
First ride in a limo, Kate?
Actually, it's my second.
But my mom wouldn't let me
do that at grandpa's funeral.
Why did you guys
do all this anyway?
Well, you know, you seemed
kinda depressed about
having a wedding
and all, so we figured
a little public humiliation
is what the doctor ordered.
You're the best.
Are we really going to Morton's?
I can't wait to walk in
looking like this.
Yeah, hope I don't clash
with the maître d's hair.
Hey, uh, listen, um..
Oswald and Lewis were kinda
wondering, why you never got
serious with either of them,
or, you know, any of us really?
Are you kidding?
[scoffs]
I totally would have.
I just didn't wanna
compete with Oswald's mom.
She had the serious hots
for you and Lewis.
You're kidding?
Oh, my God, we were
just talking about..
Oh, you're kidding.
So..
Did any of you..
you know, ever have
a little crush on me?
Maybe, you know
we were teenagers.
And?
And then we discovered
my brother's magazines
and you became obsolete.
Come on, we practically
hung out together all the time.
You practically
lived at my house.
Yeah, maybe a little
more than I should have.
- What do you mean?
- Well, you know..
There was that time you, uh..
changed your clothes
right in front of me.
I did what?
We were 16 and you changed
right in front of me
like I was the chair
and I walked home crying.
No, no, don't feel bad.
Then I wrote you
a little letter which I, uh
accidentally mailed
to my grandma.
She wrote me back saying
that she loved me too, you know
but not in that way.
Drew, I'm so sorry.
Wow! You actually thought
about me like that.
That's so weird.
Well, I don't know,
I don't think it would have been
you know, so bad
if we'd have actually done this.
You know, gotten together.
Oh, my God, I've got hives!
Oh, my God,
you're covered with..
Driver, take us to
Metro General right away.
'Hey, out of the way,
we got a sick woman here!'
'Whoo! Whoo! Whoo..'
[instrumental music]
Hey, Drew, I heard
you got married last night.
Oh, no, not really,
it was just a..
Oh, hey, I don't mind
not being invited.
I'm just, uh, glad a guy
like you could find somebody.
- Here.
- Oh, hey, thanks.
I'll invite you to the next one.
Shouldn't be too long,
I gave the bride hives.
Just in case
the marriage sticks, you know
we're still
looking for a toaster.
- Oh, Drew.
- What?
I figure I can help you
with hiring Ed back.
There's an opening
in sportswear.
No, there isn't.
There will be
once you fire Leslie.
Leslie, who just had the wedding
shower, she's on her honeymoon.
Courtesy of Winfred-Louder.
We caught her on camera
stealing cash and a bikini
that I could use as
an eye patch.
Great, all you need
is a hook hand and a peg leg.
The outfit will be complete.
Here's the number
of her hotel in Maui.
Oh, man, I hate to ruin
somebody's honeymoon.
Then don't get married.
Drew..
Drew, we've got to
talk about my hives.
I know, I-I-I feel terrible.
Oh, God, Drew, you knew,
why didn't you tell me?
It just came out
it's not what you think.
What I think?
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
Formaldehyde.
They found
formaldehyde on this dress.
You know, the stores
will take anything back policy.
Know it, I'm using it
to trade whatever
this piece of crap
is in for a toaster.
Drew, someone bought
that dress before you
and used it in a funeral.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
Then they had whatever sick
and perverse ceremony
someone who would put a
wedding dress on a corpse has
and returned it.
Drew, the dress
came back from the dead!
Well, you know,
it's not like she wore it out.
Hello, person wore the dead
dress got hives from here.
I'm sorry, it's just
I'm so relieved.
You'll never, ha ha!
Never guess what I thought
gave you the hives.
What?
I thought it was from
when I said to you in the limo
you know, about us
getting together.
I didn't-I didn't really mean
what you thought I'd meant.
That's not what
I thought you meant.
It just, uh, kinda came out,
you know. I'm not, uh..
It's not like I've been
waitin' for you my whole life.
I'm just waiting for the one
great love I haven't found.
- Yet.
- Yet.
Drew, I should be so lucky
to marry someone like you.
'But not you.'
And I should be
so lucky as to marry someone
like Anna Nicole Smith.
You know, but her.
So, uh, we never have
to talk about this again.
I hope not.
Good, 'cause I'm starting
to itch. Now, uh..
Why don't you go do
whatever you undead do?
- I'm gonna make a phone call.
- Later.
Hello, Maui Suites?
Well, hello to you too.
Listen, uh, I'd like to leave
a message for Ms. Leslie Burk.
Uh-huh. You got
a pen ready? Good.
Dear Leslie, they say
that vacations end too soon.
Well, good news..
Hey, wanna play
a little Jeopardy?
Winner gets to eat the loser.
Man, would you look
at these categories?
Flys, pre-historic history
protective coloring,
famous amphibians..
How about Scrabble?
[sighs]
No, you can't use my computer.
I don't wanna make out.
[instrumental music]