The Exes (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, haskell, look at you.
Finally off the couch and enjoying the outdoors.
Yup.
It's a beautiful day on deck.
Okay.
Well, before we pull into port, I have to ask, What the hell are you doing? All right.
My ex-wife margo Has been posting travel pictures on her facebook page Of the great life she's living since our divorce.
Hey, two can play at that game.
And she thought I was just some loser Who spent his life sitting on a couch.
Well Who's laughing now? Ooh! You're finally here.
Why aren't you dressed? Look, you can borrow my nightie, But I am not playing karen, The lonely cruise director whose passions you unlock.
Hey, stuart, what's up, buddy? Oh, not much.
Just, uh, went for some drinks.
You know, hanging with some buddies.
Really? What buddies? Isn't that why I hooked you up with these guys? Yeah, and where have these buddies been? How come we've had to carry the load? Is that green paint on your pants? The same hunter green your ex-wife's house is painted? Okay.
Okay, I've been doing a little upkeep on my old house.
Yeah, I know.
Lorna's attorney called me, She said you've been trespassing again.
Hey, hey, if mowing the lawn and painting the house Is a crime, then lock me up.
Well, one more time, they're gonna.
Stuart, you gotta move on with your life.
Do something.
Join a book club.
Get a hobby.
Travel the world.
Forget all of that.
What stuart needs is a woman, and he needs one now.
No, no, I don't think that's what holly had in mind.
No, it's better.
Get yourself pretty, boy.
We're taking you a-courtin.
' Okay, stuart.
We are not leaving this bar until you at least meet a woman And get her phone number.
Let's find you a woman.
Yeah, what kind of a girl are we looking for? She should be intelligent.
Hot.
And, uh, maybe have a sense of humor.
Hot.
A career girl.
Hot.
Yeah, we get it.
She should be hot.
But I think stuart's looking for a little more than that.
Big breasts would be nice.
Stuart.
What do you think of her? Wow, she's really attractive.
What do we do now? You light a candle and say a prayer To the booty fairy.
Come on, stuart.
We're going in.
Hi, how are ya? Um, I'm holly, And, um, this is my friend stuart.
Hi, holly and friend stuart, I'm katy.
Oh, hi, katy.
Can I.
.
Do you mind? Sure.
Listen, katy, um Woman to woman, let's just cut to the chase.
My friend stuart is a great, smart, sincere guy.
He just doesn't do the bar scene a lot, Which, as a woman, I think is a plus.
Holly, I can take it from here.
Really? 'cause I think I'm doing pretty good.
Which is why he can take it from here.
Oh, great.
All right.
My work is done.
I hooked her, now reel her in.
You know, I can hear you.
Oh, sorry.
[laughing.]
sorry about that.
Yeah.
That was kind of weird.
It's just, uh, I--I've been out of the game a while, And I'm not really sure what to say to a woman I find extremely attractive And would love to get to know better.
Well, that's not a bad start.
Good.
Good.
Because if we don't look like we're hitting it off, She's gonna come back.
I don't think either of us wants that.
No.
No.
Did you see that? I'm not the kind of person that likes To pat themselves on the back, So could you do it for me and say, "awesome"? Hey, haskell, how's the cruise going? Hold on.
I'm posting the results Of the ship-wide talent contest on facebook.
I won! So what happened with stuart and katy? Come on, tell me.
I'm dying to know.
Uh, there's nothing to tell.
He's not up yet.
Oh, good.
That's good.
That means that he and katy hit it off And were out late last night.
And all because of me The angel of love.
Or the goddess of love.
Which sounds better? I've been going back and forth since 5:00 this morning.
Hey! Morning, everybody.
Yeah, look at stuart doing the walk of shame.
Ah, don't get the wrong idea.
I didn't sleep with katy.
Oh.
So then it really is the walk of shame.
It was fantastic.
Oh, details.
Tell me now.
Yes, regale us with tales of the night you didn't get any.
Well, um, after the bar, Katy and I got a bite to eat.
Ooh.
And then we just walked and talked Aw! About anything and everything.
And then we--we arrived at her apartment Just as the sun was coming up.
Oh, could it be any more romantic? And I gave her a gentle kiss on the lips, And whispered "good night.
" yes, it could.
I don't know about you, But I'm about to jump off the lido deck.
It--it was-- it was fantastic.
It was one of the greatest nights of my life.
And it was all because of you.
Thank you, holly.
Don't thank me.
I mean, what did I do except change your life? So when are you gonna see her again? Uh, I'm not sure.
We'll figure it out When she returns my calls.
Calls? No, yeah.
I called her.
A couple times, you know.
I know you're supposed to play it cool, but I can tell Katy's not the kind of girl you need to play games with.
Yeah Looks like stuart called katy more than a few times.
Oh, how many are there? Let's just say he's two steps away From leaving soap messages on her bathroom mirror.
There's no way she's calling him back.
Oh, he's gonna be crushed.
Well, you know what? You did your part.
There's nothing we can do.
Right.
Nothing we can do.
Where you going? Out.
To continue to do nothing, Because there's nothing we can do.
You're not doing nothing, are you? Nope.
And there's nothing you can do.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
Katy, thank you so much for meeting me.
Yeah.
What's this about? Well, um I heard that you and stuart really hit it off last night, And I was just wondering if you guys Were planning on seeing each other again.
Oh.
That's, uh That's kind of personal.
Who are you again? I'm, uh, stuart's divorce lawyer.
But I'm also a really good friend, And I kind of take care of him.
I know he came on a little strong.
Ha.
A lot strong.
Yeah.
since we've been sitting here.
But that's just because you're the first woman he's met Since his divorce that he really likes.
So, come onHow about giving him another chance? It's not why I didn't call him back.
I--I just don't have time for dating.
I'm a working girl.
Oh, well, we all have our careers, But you gotta find time for love.
Holly, you're--you're not quite understanding.
I'm an escort.
An escort.
You mean you escort rich old people to social events? Is that it? Please? I have sex with men for money.
Well, there's no spinning that one, is there? Well, why were you with stuart last night? Last night, I was off-duty.
Well, you know, taxis use off-duty signs.
They're very helpful.
Holly, stuart is a really sweet guy, And I enjoyed spending time with him, But with my job, I--I don't really have time For much of a social life.
All right, well, look, Stuart's fallen head-over-heels for you, so, um Why don't you just go out with him one more time, And then let him down easy? Sure.
Why not? Thank you.
So, uh, will that be check, visa, or mastercard? Uh, of course.
Yes.
I--I'm a professional, A-a-and so are you, uh, so, yes.
How much will this cost me? Wow! You charge more per hour than I do.
Where was that booth on career day? Haskell, who are you taking to the prom? Actually, I've been invited to dine At the captain's table tonight As a gesture of thanks for saving a passenger Who fell overboard.
You really think your ex-wife's gonna buy this? Buy it? It's killing her.
Margo's been checking my status updates night and day.
She is dripping with envy over the glamorous life I'm living.
[ding.]
great, my burrito's done.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Is, um, is stuart home? No, he's out on a date with katy.
Listen, I don't know what you did, but it worked.
What's your secret? Secret? There's no secret.
Besides, we don't even know how the date's going.
For all we know, it could be ending right now.
Hi, guys.
Hi, stuart, how's it going? Hey, man, how'd it go with katy? Don't ask him that.
Maybe it's over with, And he doesn't wanna talk aboutKaty! Hi! I'm sorry, stuart.
I had to take that call.
Aw.
This girl with her calls.
Oh.
She just, she's working all the time, you know.
Katy is an international financial consultant.
Get out.
Uh, where are my manners? Phil, this is katy.
Katy, this is my roommate phil.
Hi.
How you doing? You got any friends you could hook me up with? Phil! What? She's an international financial consultant.
She's not a hookerUpper.
As in demand as katy is, I convinced her to take a little time off tomorrow.
We're gonna drive up to the country, Go apple-picking.
Tomorrow? Hmm? There's a tomorrow? Yeah, hopefully there will be a lot of tomorrows.
Aw.
[phone ringing.]
Oh, excuse me--is there someplace I can take this? Yeah, sure.
Uh Kitchen's right in there.
Okay.
She's so good at what she does, Everyone wants a piece of her.
And you know, the funny thing is She never wants to talk about her work.
She just only wants to talk about me.
It's like I'm the most exciting guy in the world.
It's a little chilly out tonight.
I'm gonna get a cardigan.
She's a lovely woman, huh? You set him up with a hooker? What? Where are you getting that from? Cardigan man is the most exciting guy in the world? Uh-uh, girl.
Cash is changing hands.
It wasn't cash.
It was a check.
You just couldn't stay out of it, could you? Oh, I didn't know.
And then when I found out, I just didn't want him getting hurt.
Don't worry, that's not gonna happen.
I'm guessing hurt costs extra.
Hi, katy.
[clears throat.]
I thought we had an arrangement.
You were supposed to break things off with stuart already.
So what's this apple-picking crap? You told me to let him down easy.
I'm just trying to find the right moment.
Don't worry--I'll break up with him tonight.
But be nice-- ah, let me guess, You girls are talking about me.
You sure caught us.
[laughing.]
[phone ringing.]
oh, I'm--I, you know.
I gotta take this.
Ugh.
I'd tell her she's working too hard, But she just can't seem to say no.
Listen I wanna thank you, holly.
For what? Well, without you, I never would've met katy.
Since I met her, I haven't even thought about lorna.
I mean, for the first time in a long time, I feel really hopeful.
Oh, good.
Uh, shall we go? Yeah.
Have fun apple-picking tomorrow.
Really? One more day.
Okay.
And then break it off.
Oh, hi.
I'm haskell.
I'm katy.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Who's the hooker? What's keeping him? How long does it take a hooker To pick a couple apples and kick a guy to the curb? Maybe katy booked a bachelor party on the way home And stuart's working the boom box.
Hey, stuart.
How'd the apple-picking go? 'cause I know it can be really tough on relationships.
Need a hug? Katy was offered a job In an investment firm in switzerland.
That's a good one.
I mean, it's a good-- it's a good offer.
Well, she's supposed to start tomorrow.
Oh, I'm sorry, stuart.
I know how much you liked her.
But there are other women out there.
Yeah, in this city, there's one on every corner.
Man, aw, not like katy.
I tried to convince her that we could keep things going, Have a long distance relationship.
Oh, no, those things never work.
Never.
I know, I know.
That's what katy said.
Which is why I've decided to ask her to marry me.
Oh, no.
What? Are you crazy? You've only known her three days.
I know, I know.
Seems a little crazy.
And I know this whole thing is happening really fast, but If I don't act fast, I'll lose katy.
And how many times in life do you fall in love? Well.
You've done well, angel of love.
Thanks to you, a newly divorced guy with low self-esteem Is gonna be dumped while down on one knee, Proposing to a prostitute.
You know, I'm beginning to think I should've stayed out of this.
Oh.
Okay, eden, thanks for Bringing the files over.
You can go now.
No, I'm still arranging them.
I wanna make sure they're collated, paginated, And enumerated.
What does that even mean? It means I wanna meet the hooker.
No.
And don't make me regret telling you.
Come on! I wanna meet the hooker! I'm your assistant.
I never get to do anything fun.
[doorbell rings.]
oh, well, there-- Hi.
I'm eden.
Hello.
So I guess we both work for holly.
How many girls does she have working for her? Oh, no, I'm not a-- Really? You think I could be? Good-bye, eden.
Do you guys get dental? Thanks for coming over, katy.
Yeah, yeah.
Have a seat.
Uh, looks like we have a bit of a problem with stuart.
Yeah, I know.
I-I ended it with him Just like you asked me to, but he keeps calling me.
Yeah, see, the problem is he's head-over-heels In love with you, and he doesn't want you to leave.
So he's gonna ask you to marry him.
Wow.
Exactly.
So we have to find a way of really-- The answer's yes! Yes, yes, yes! What? My god! I'm so excited.
Did you see the ring? Oh, my god.
I can't wait to tell my parents I'm marrying a doctor.
He's a dentist.
It doesn't matter.
The invitation will still read dr.
And mrs.
What's his last name? You're not seriously considering Going through with this.
Why not? I mean, stuart is a great guy, and trust me, I've known a lot of guys.
Oh, hi.
Oh, hey.
I got the ring.
Mm-hmm.
Katy's waiting for me down at the bar.
Wish me luck.
No, stuart.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
No, ah, look, I know what you're gonna say-- No, no, no, I don't think you do.
If you're jumping into this Because you're afraid to be alone, You're not alone.
I mean, things have changed since you and lorna divorced.
You have a home now.
You have Friends and people who care about you.
I appreciate that, holly.
But I know I'm doing the right thing.
Stuart, there's something you need to know about katy.
What? She's a-- She's a prrr-- She's a pretty woman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Holly, can I talk to you in the kitchen? Yeah.
What are you doing? Why didn't you tell him? I'm trying to.
But whenever I see that lost puppy look in his eyes, I just can't.
Okay, it's cool.
That's fine.
We'll just wait for the minister to ask: "is there any reason these two Should not be joined in holy matrimony?" And I'll stand up, and I'll say: "yeah, 'cause she's a ho.
" All right, big shot, why don't you go break his heart? Okay, fine.
Yeah.
I will.
Go do it.
Not a problem.
Oh, no, he's gone! Oh, no.
We're too late.
Look, he gave me a diamond.
Stuart.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Uh, this has gone on long enough.
You cannot marry that woman.
You're right.
I'm not.
I was all set to propose but then I thought about What you said--I can't just jump into another marriage Because I'm afraid to be alone.
Besides, I've got friends now, like you said.
Friends that care about me.
Care about me enough to buy me a hooker.
She was a hooker? All right, fine.
I knew.
But she started it.
I'm sorry.
I just--I couldn't bear to see you heartbroken, So I wrote her a couple checks-- oh.
Yeah, about that.
Uh, she gave them all back.
Oh, thank god.
I didn't think that last one was gonna clear.
Why'd she give them back? Uh, well, um, when I didn't propose, she told me everything, And, uh, I think it was just her way of proving to me That the time we spent together was real.
That's why I gave her the ring.
Just to show her I felt the same way.
Are you okay? You know, I really am.
At least now I know I'm capable of falling in love again.
Thank you, holly.
So what you're saying is, I did good.
Mm-hmm.
Phil, I think you know what to do.
Awesome.
Hey.
Hey, haskell.
Haskell, so how's the cruise? We hit an iceberg.
I did such a good job of convincing my ex What a great life I was living that she got a lawyer to come out for me I screw my self!