The Expanding Universe of Ashley Garcia (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
You're certified 100% cute.
You're certified 110% cute.
-You're certified 120% cute.
-[laughing]
Hi. Hello.
You two have become boring,
self-involved romance monsters.
I want that with someone.
Ugh! I've got a deadline in three days,
and I can't concentrate.
[punches keys] Why am I so distracted?
I don't know.
Maybe it's because you like Tad, and
well, look at them.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, yeah.
They're grooming each other like chimps.
I liked him for a nanosecond.
I say, good for them.
[strains] Good for them.
-Convincing.
-Hey, Ash, how you doing?
Great. Whoo!
[laughing]
Yippee-kai-yay, Uncle Victor.
You sure everything's all right?
Amazing.
It's just so great being a teenager.
[forced laughter]
Okay.
Nico, does Ashley seem off to you?
She's got boy problems.
-She told you?
-Didn't have to.
She just ordered a whipped cream latte,
hold the latte.
That's boy problems.
[scoffs] You can tell someone's problems
by what they order?
Been doing this a long time, homie.
That cherry pie latte
you ordered yesterday
means you've been having trouble
with your--
That was one time.
-How do I get her to talk to me about it?
-Listen, man,
when she's ready,
she'll come to you.
Whatever you do, no snooping.
What do you take me for?
Don't answer that.
Here comes the choo-choo.
Okay, Lady Hulk, you jealous.
Jealous of Bella?
[laughs] Her one accomplishment in life
is making sure her bra strap
is always showing.
Did I just criticize another woman
for how they dress?
What is happening to me?
-I'm a bad feminist.
-You are not a bad feminist.
You're just dealing with your first crush.
Yeah, crushes are hard.
I've heard.
This crush is turning me
into a mean girl.
I can't concentrate on work.
I have a deadline.
I'm shouting for some reason!
-Help me, Brooke.
-I got you.
I just posted an eight-step program
for how to get over a crush.
At the end of this,
you'll not only be over Tad,
you'll be friends with him.
You are so the Alan Turing
of teen problems.
Thank you. I'll Google that later.
Step one, feel the pain.
Oh, good. I'm doing that already.
It's right here.
Ooh, it's terrible.
If you're a good student, you'll only
feel this pain for eight more days.
Eight more days?
I've got a work deadline in three.
Let's get started.
Preferably somewhere
we don't have to watch Bella eat Tad's arm
like a corn on the cob.
If you guys need any help
I'm sure you'll find someone else.
As co-owner,
I sometimes referee these games.
Way to go, guys.
How long have you been back there
refereeing?
Long enough to hear my poor niece is
in pain
and getting terrible advice.
Eight steps. She doesn't need that.
I've been cheering her up
since she was a little kid.
All it takes is karaoke,
arroz con leche and churros.
Any questions?
Yeah, I got a B in Spanish,
so I got a lot of questions.
[theme music playing]
How are we doing with step one?
Still feeling the pain?
[winces] I do all my assignments.
Great. Step two, find your smile again.
We'll keep looking.
Ah.
Fun Uncle Victor was always able
to snap little Ashley out of her funks.
She's loved karaoke since she could talk,
which was at four months.
One time, when she was eight,
she was so depressed.
Congress had just cut NASA's funding.
You know what fixed her? Me.
I got her to sing
the entire cast recording of Mamma Mia!
You know, Coach, Ashley didn't
officially tell you why she was upset.
If she finds out you were spying on her,
which is why you're doing all this,
won't she be mad?
She's never gonna find that out.
I'm a master of distraction
and manipulation.
-That is not reassuring at all.
-[scoffs]
Did anyone ever tell you
you worry a lot?
Only two psychiatrists and my grandma.
Don't worry.
I've been cheering her up behind her back
her whole life.
She hasn't figured it out yet.
What's all this?
[laughs] Surprise.
It's your welcome
to California karaoke party.
Sounds fun, but I can't.
-Brooke and I were about to--
-No, Ashley.
This is great. Can't wait, Coach.
There's more surprises coming.
Come on, Stick, I need your help.
With what?
Wait, why am I questioning this?
Somebody needs me.
What are we doing?
I got a crush to get over.
-We got steps.
-I know.
We can use karaoke night
to take care of step three,
avoid all contact.
[laughs] Oh.
We'll be here without Tad,
having a great time.
Look, they have our favorite song
from when we were kids.
"Walk Like an Egyptian"?
Yes, and we can do the dance.
No, it's too embarrassing.
I could barely do it
in front of my stuffed animals,
and they've seen me do some weird stuff.
Come on, Ash.
You see, Stick?
They're already having fun,
and they're only dancing to the song list.
Whoo! Fun uncle's plan is dope!
-Do you guys still say that?
-I've never said that.
This thing is great.
They have "Old Town Road" in,
like, three different languages.
[doorbell rings]
[Victor]
Pizza's here. Ash, can you get that?
Pizza, karaoke, my favorite people.
Who knew this avoiding all contact stuff
would be this much fun?
I don't even have time to think--
Tad and Bella.
-Hey, Ash.
-We can't stay. We were just gonna--
Sounds great.
You don't wanna be late for it.
Coach gave me money for the pizza.
Tad!
-[slowly] You are here.
-Stick
[slowly] yes, I am.
I like talking like this.
-What are you doing here?
-I left my sunglasses by Coach's pool.
Ooh, look, Tad, karaoke.
We love karaoke,
and no one does it better
than my sugar Taddy.
Yeah.
Stick and I can sing "Shallow."
It's kind of our jam.
He's Gaga.
'Cause I can hit the high notes!
I can't wait to hear you sing, Ashley.
Yeah, Tad says you're good at everything.
It's okay if we stay, right?
-Well, actually I--
-You know what? You guys can stay.
Cool.
Hey, let's go take selfies by the pool.
Babe, I think all the selfies we're taking
are getting a little annoying.
Stick, come take pictures of us.
Okay.
What are you doing?
Step three is avoid all contact.
You just invited him into your house.
The whole point of the steps is
to be friends with Tad.
And now that he's always with Bella,
there's never gonna be a good time.
[sighs] So, we should just get to it now.
I have a deadline coming up,
and I really need to concentrate.
But you're rushing it.
Being just friends is step eight,
the last step.
The steps must be done in order.
Do you think I just made up these steps?
Okay, I did.
But I strongly feel
the order is important.
I'll do them. I'll just do them fast.
I completed high school in a weekend.
I think I got this.
Fine, but according to the plan,
you need a full Tad detox
before step four
embarrass yourself in front of him.
Why would I do that?
Because doing something
you're not comfortable doing
in front of Tad shows you don't care
what he thinks.
It's a way of taking back your power.
Come on, girl.
So, what should I do?
Well, you could pluck your eyebrows
in front of Tad.
Should I not be doing that
in front of people?
Oh, even better. The answer's right here.
Sing "Walk Like an Egyptian"
and do our dance.
But when I do the dance,
I look like a baby pooping.
Yes, you do,
but that poop face will set you free.
Fine, I'll do it. No more putting it off.
Ash, I need you.
Maybe a teensy bit more putting it off.
I need you to test the rice.
You're making arroz con leche?
Welcome to California
is the only reason I'm doing this.
Almost ready.
The song's all queued up. Ready?
Define ready.
Come on, Ash.
She's gonna sing "Walk Like an Egyptian,"
and we're gonna do the dance
we used to do.
That's great. I can't wait to see it.
I'm still psyching up.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
Okay, maybe a more positive mantra.
What's the matter? You love karaoke.
I can do it in front of you guys.
I don't care what you think, but--
Do not leave me alone out there.
-You know, Stick, in a minute.
-Tad and Bella are all over each other.
When it's just the three of us
and someone walks in,
I feel like I should just shut my computer
really fast.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tad and Bella are here?
They showed up.
I told them they could stay.
What? Well, they need to go.
[laughs] I mean, don't you know
what this whole evening is about?
It's about your welcome to California
-Celebration.
-celebration.
It's showtime, Ashley.
Fine, I'll do karaoke,
but this is going to be
the worst experience of my life!
Karaoke, worst experience of her life?
Those words
don't even make sense together.
This isn't all about me,
but this is killing my beautiful plan.
Ashley and I will sing
an oldie but a goodie.
Right, Ash?
Uh-huh.
Tad, what are you doing here?
Get out of my house.
-You got it, Coach.
-No, he just needs to stay for one song.
Yes, please, tío Victor, just one song.
I need to follow Brooke's plan.
We're on step four. It's important.
I'm losing to a 15-year-old girl.
I can't watch this.
[clicks]
-[rock music playing]
-You are in for a special treat tonight.
One night only,
for the first time in seven years,
[laughs]
we're dusting off a deep cut here.
-This is gonna be good.
-Whatever.
All the old paintings on the tombs ♪
They do the sand dance
Don't you know? ♪
If they move too quick, oh way oh
They're falling down like a domino ♪
Ash, it's your turn.
Little help, Stick?
-I don't know what you mean.
-I need you to dance with us.
-No way. Never.
-It's for Ashley.
Okay, I'm in.
[Brooke vocalizing]
Let's do it.
Walk like an Egyptian ♪
[rock music continuing playing]
We have achieved pooping baby face.
Why do you call it that?
Oh.
This is not how karaoke should be used.
-[laughing]
-Yeah, Ash!
[laughing]
He wasn't even watching?
Ashley, you did your part.
It doesn't matter if he saw it.
You embarrassed yourself in front of him.
But he didn't even care enough to watch.
You were right, Brooke. I wasn't ready.
I rushed things.
I'm clearly not over him.
Well, don't give up on the steps,
because the steps work!
[sighs]
How you doing, Ash?
Not great.
Well, I got something
that's got a 100% cure rate
for whatever makes you sad.
Arroz con leche.
[Victor grunts]
There's your smile.
You found my smile. That's step two.
Uh-oh. Where's that smile gone?
Eat more. Eat more.
Tío Victor, it's no use.
You wanna tell me what's going on?
I like Tad, and he's dating Bella.
And I tried to embarrass myself
in front of him to prove I'm over him
to stop bra-shaming
and being a bad feminist
and finally be Tad's friend.
But it's not working out
because I can't even be
in the same room with him!
Did you get all that?
Amazingly, I did.
Ash, I feel awful.
Tad wasn't supposed to be here.
I arranged this whole night just
to distract you
so you can get over your feelings.
-What?
-What?
You arranged this whole night
to trick me out of my feelings?
No.
Not to trick you. Churro?
This all feels familiar.
Karaoke, Mexican comfort food.
You did the same thing when I was eight
and Congress cut NASA's funding.
And it worked.
These churros are amazing.
They're fried happiness.
I don't want a churro. My heart is broken.
No, it's not. It's just a little crush.
A little crush?
Yeah, they happen all the time.
It's not a big deal.
Maybe not to you,
but this is the first time
I've ever felt like this,
and I don't need anybody telling me
my feelings aren't real.
Hold on.
-I've got work to do. I got a deadline.
-Ash.
And don't follow me.
Did she just slam the door on me?
She's never done that before.
She's picking up
this whole teenage thing really fast.
That's not your point.
Not your point at all. I'm sorry.
-Hey, Ashley, I just wanted to--
-Shh! I'm finally able to focus.
Oh, that's great. How'd you do it?
Did you stop thinking about Tad?
Yes, until now.
Anyway, I'm very close to a breakthrough.
Yes! It works!
I mean, it worked
in this computer simulation.
I wish I could try it out at the lab
right now to see if it actually works.
-Why can't you?
-I need a lab assistant.
-I'll have to wait until Monday.
-Wish I could help you.
I'm not a genius at robotic engineering
or anything.
Actually, the exoskeleton
that controls the robotic arm
should be operated by a layman
with absolutely no scientific
or mechanical expertise.
They can be a total klutz.
I'm your man.
Hey, you seen Ashley?
She forgot her charger.
No. She asked you not to follow her.
How do you know?
I got five kids, man. You've been a parent
for, what? Three weeks?
She doesn't need a charger.
What she needs is some space.
You're right.
-I'll back off.
-Smart.
Thanks, Nico.
You got it. Hey!
[grunting]
Dude, I was a safety.
You were just a kicker, come on.
I gotta find Ashley.
She'll be fine.
You can let me up. I won't go after her.
Nah, you know what?
I'm pretty comfortable right here.
But I need to help her.
Trust me, this is helping her.
Ooh, you got a phone?
Let's take a selfie. Ready?
Wouldn't kill you to smile.
-Hey.
-[camera shutter clicks]
Oh, that's a great pic.
I'mma tag you, okay?
Cute. What's his name?
It's a robot.
We're not supposed
to anthropomorphize them.
Ichabod. [laughs]
-Where's his head?
-I cut it off.
-Why?
-He asked too many questions.
Let's get to work.
Okay. So, telerobotics means
the robot is remotely controlled by you,
the operator. Do this.
That's cool.
That's haptics.
The robot feels what you feel cutaneously
and kinesthetically. Got it?
Not at all.
People think I'm much smarter
than I actually am.
My new algorithm could lead
to a level of dexterity
not yet reached by a telerobot.
Tonight, Ichabod
fries an egg!
An egg?
The task doesn't matter.
The point is, one day,
an astronaut can stay safe
in a spacecraft
while the robot carries out
the astronaut's orders
in the harsh, hostile,
potentially lethal Martian environment.
So, the human chills
while the robot could die?
Robots can't die.
They're not really alive.
Got it. This was all her idea.
All right. Let's try it.
Pick up an egg.
-Pick up an egg.
-You don't need to say it.
I don't need to say it.
That is so cool.
Oh, God. I'm gonna miss my head.
Stick, I'm not going to decapitate you
for dropping one egg.
You get two eggs.
Try it again.
Break it.
Whisk the egg.
I get it. I totally get haptics.
We're going eight million miles
and spending $8 billion to make an omelet.
On Mars.
Wasn't implying it wasn't worth it.
Okay, Stick. No pressure,
but no telerobot
has ever successfully done this part.
Transfer the egg into the pan.
-Yes!
-Yeah!
-We did it!
-We're having brunch on Mars.
Thank you, Stick.
I couldn't have done this without you.
Yeah, one-person hugs suck.
Oh, what did you want to tell me at Pat's?
I totally cut you off.
I was gonna help you get through
more steps
of Brooke's "get over your crush" plan.
Step five,
focus on your crush's flaws.
Well, Tad's got a girlfriend.
Okay, he's got one flaw.
Kind of a big one.
Step six, take up a hobby
or throw yourself into work.
Done.
Step seven, tell yourself
you'll find something better.
I think I already did that one.
You did?
Yeah, I got you, Stick.
Me? You got me.
You mean, you and I are?
Friends. Totally platonic friends.
That's what I wanted Tad and me to be,
but this worked out great instead.
I mean, I'm hugging you,
and it's nice, but really, I feel nothing.
Right back at you, friend.
I think Ichabod wants in on this.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Thank you
for not chasing after me tonight.
It showed a lot of restraint.
Restraint, yes.
So much so I got floor burn.
I'm sorry for slamming your door.
I'm sorry for treating you like a kid.
I was just trying to cheer you up.
Tío Victor, you don't need to cheer me up.
You make me feel loved,
and that's what I needed.
So
what you're saying is
sometimes the best thing
for me to do is to do nothing?
Yes, exactly!
[laughs] That seems really hard.
How is that hard?
Because I'm the fun uncle.
How am I supposed to be fun
and do nothing, huh?
Okay, I'll try.
But it may take a while.
I appreciate your effort.
It's getting late.
You want some hot cocoa before bed?
-No, thank you.
-A lullaby?
Tío Victor, I'm not a baby.
All right.
Well, I guess all that's left is to say,
-"I got your nose!"
-Hey!
-Give me my nose back.
-¡Ole! ¡Ole! ¡Ole!
It's been a week, Brooke,
and the pain is finally gone.
I really think I'm ready to be friends
with Tad.
Welcome to step eight.
And if you wanna be his friend,
you just have to accept
that Tad and Bella are a couple
and they're good for each other.
So, in order to be friends with Tad,
I just have to be happy
for the two of them?
Yeah.
Wearing a blindfold could help.
[Ashley]
They do seem perfect for each other.
-Tad.
-Yes, sugarplum.
I asked for a four-pump, sugar-free syrup,
cinnamon dolce, soy,
half-caff, nonfat latte,
extra shot, light ice, no whip,
skinny water.
Does this taste like skinny water?
Are you sure you asked for skinny water?
Yeah. You did. You definitely did.
You never listen!
Hello, is anyone in there?
My bad. Honey bucket, I'll fix it!
[Ashley] That didn't look so perfect.
And what is skinny water?
[theme music playing]