The Fast Show s01e03 Episode Script
Worldview
One time, right, me and this girl were in Italy, and the hotel porter said, you look very helly-gant.
Y'know, instead of "elegant".
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling, let me go! Hello! Hello.
How are we today, sir? Fine, thank you.
You? Radiant, sir.
Radiant.
And what can we do for you, sir? Well I'm, well we're getting married, and I need a suit.
What, you and this lady here, sir? Are you sure, sir? Have you really thought this one through, sir? Oh, I should think so, yes! Very well, sir.
Suits you, sir.
We just wanted something simple you know, maybe a grey suit? What sort of suit were you looking for, sir? Yes, a grey.
Grey, sir? Ooh, suits you, sir.
We thought maybe a morning suit.
Perhaps a morning suit, sir? Ooh, suits you, sir.
Sir would look good in a morning suit.
A big, handsome man like yourself.
I expect your plagued by them, aren't you, sir? The ladies? Shouldn't be surprised if it was a bit inconvenient for you, sir.
Sheer volume of ladies plaguing you.
Will you be giving her a seeing-to tonight, sir? Pardon? The young lady, sir.
Will you be giving her a seeing-to, sir? I don't think that's any of your business! No, of course not, sir.
How clever of you to have noticed, sir.
Yes, really, Ken, it's quite inappropriate.
None of our business if he's up all night rogering the tart, is it, sir? We should try another place! Would sir like to sit down? Does sir have a honeymoon hotel booked? Well, IÂ Ooh, will it be the bridal suite, sir? Ooh, I do hope so, sir.
Will it be the bridal? No, he'll just hold her by the ears.
Ooh, sorry, sir.
Old joke, sir.
Just slipped it in, sir.
You'll be slipping it in tonight, won't you, sir? Ooh, suits you, sir! Suits you, sir! Can I watch, sir? May I take pictures, sir? Ooh! Suit you! Oh, go on, let them.
Ooh! Suits you, madam! Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
'old the bells! 'old the bells, mate! Go on, 'old them two bells.
Go on, press the start.
This should pay out a mint, yeah? Right, change that for the nudge, come out a way and that third one drops right in.
Three pound twenny.
Oh! Ain't come in, that's wierd.
I had a win there, two quid.
Yeah, should'a paid out 'specially after the cherry sequence.
Well, it didn't.
Don't blame me, mate, I'm only trying to 'elp.
Blame Ennard Leisure, they're makin' all the dough, ain'ey, eh? Oi, mate, one on the black in this pub! Well, of course it was a major tragedy that England didn't qualify for the world cup.
But, Tommy, do you still think the English game can cut it? Oh, you've got the players.
I mean, that was proved in 1990.
For me, it's a question of motivation.
Ron Manager, you've been involved in the game for over forty years.
What do you think? Oh, yes, you know, soccer, isn't it, hmm? Small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, last goalie Enduring image, isn't it, hmm? Association football? English national game! 1966 there's people on the pitch they think it's all over, it is now! Haw! Little Alan Ball? Childish in mid-field, hmm? High-pitched voice? Ginge? Bobby Moore, holding it aloft.
You know.
Marvellous.
Now other people lay the blame fairly and squarely at Graham Taylor's door.
Ooh, Graham Taylor isn't it sad wasn't it, huh? Lawrie McNenemie Power behind the throne? You now, behind every small man there's a large man? Holding it aloft? Isn't there? Ah yes, now Tommy, as I was saying, the modern game Ooh, the modern game! Haw, Matthew LeTissiay, you know.
Lazy, but gifted.
Look out, keeper, don't stray off your line, or he'll chip you! Michael Clough, able to unlock defence with a single ball.
His father? Haw-haw, old bighead.
Character, isn't he, you know.
Early seventies, enduring image, Derby county, baseball ground, Steve Wright! Baseball, you know, American national game, mmm? Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, friend of Frank Sinatra, married to Marilyn Monroe, link with the Kennedies ooh, scandal! Huh! You know, ooh, open car, Dallas, enduring image, top of the head, phwish! Jackie Kennedy holding it aloft, wasn't it, hmm? Two goals, wasn't it, one from the grassy knoll? Morning.
Everything all right? Yeah, everything's fine.
You're not stuck, or anything? No.
Ha-ha-ha! No.
No.
No way, we're off-roaders! Not stuck, no, er, just looking at the map.
You're not thinking of going over there, are you? Across there? No.
No, er, we're thinking of going across there.
See, over there, that's er, that's all bog, that.
I wouldn't even take me tractor in there.
No, we're well aware of that, er It's clearly marked on our charts, here.
I was just saying to Lindsay, we'd be bloody stupid I'm Lin I'm Lindsay.
yeah, we'd be bloody stupid to risk driving straight through the middle of a bog.
And I replied, "Yes!" Good luck, lads.
Thanks.
- Thanks very much.
Bye! Have a nice day farming.
Sod it.
What floor's that again love? - 22nd.
The 22nd? Sir.
Right, what's the score? Well, it looks like he's holed up in a flat, on the, er, 22nd floor.
What's he done this time, the little toe-rag? He's only gone an' robbed a restaurant.
Food? Bastard! Bastard! Let's get 'im.
Lift! Stairs.
Nah! Pub? Yeah! Grub? - Yeah! Pub, grub? - Yeah! Evenin'! - Hello there! Still here, then? No, no, no, not er, not stuck here anyway, if that's what you mean.
No, no, er, we've been for a drive.
We've been all over.
Went right over there, all that way.
And we came back, and stopped here again.
So your not stuck, then? No, we're not stuck.
No.
No, we're off-roaders.
We know what we're doing.
Good luck, lads.
Many thanks.
Thanks very much, bye! Ask him, Lindsay.
Excuse me Er, you haven't got a tractor, have you? What for, why? Er we're stuck.
It'll cost yer.
Tenner? Fifty? Hundred.
Done.
One time, right, I was talkin' to this Danish girl, and she said, "the willage", instead of "the village".
Oi, mate, hold the bells.
Hold the bells.
That's it! Hold them two.
Right, press that, third one'll drop in.
That's wierd.
Right, press that.
Oh, that's wierd.
Give it another one.
Hold on, yes, that's really gonna pay out now.
Tell you what, when that pays out we should all bucket.
Go on! The third one always drops in always on the third time.
That's wierd.
Yeah, should'a come in.
Tell you what give it a dig there.
Not too hard, just give it a little dig.
Oi, love! You know how to work that machine? You want ten, twenty, fifty and a pound Ted! Fancy bumping into you like this.
Out of the blue.
As it were.
So this is what you do, on your day off.
That's marvellous.
Fishing, I expect, Ted? What are you fishing for, Ted? Fish.
Fish.
Yes.
Ted, I I'd er, I'd better be pushing off actually.
It's a early start tomorrow, bright and early.
Er, shall I see you, tomorrow? Oh, of course I shall.
Er erm well! What a coincidence Ted.
I really love East 17, right? They're amazin', right? They're just like dead normal lads from London town, but, they're amazin'.
And d'you know what, d'you know why they're called East 17, right? Cos they're from East 17.
Which is like, East of 17 or somethin'.
You know what, right, this is Brian, he's me favourite.
He's only dead small, but he's got a really fit arse, right? An' you know what, 'is birthd'y is on the 17th of May, right? Guess when my birthd'y is? 25th of May.
In't that really wierd, right? Oh, an' I went seein' 'im, right, the other week, an' it were the most excitin' moment in me life since last time I went seein' 'im.
An' that were the most excitin' moment in me life, as well.
Y'know what, right, y'know Brian, right, he really cares about the environment.
Y'know, cos he's a vegetarian.
An' I'm not a vegetarian, but, that's cos I really like eatin' meat.
But, I won't eat anythin' with a head left on, cos o' Brian.
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
Oi! I know this geezer, right, Geordie, nice fellah.
Builder.
One eyebrow higher than the uvver.
Anyway, he was in the pub one day, an' this geezer comes up to 'im Luigi 'is name was, Welsh bloke, freak o' nature (webbed hands) an' he sez to 'im "Look you," (I can't do the accent) Look you, right, I bet you ten pound you can't balance this orange on your nose.
Awright? An' Geordie tries it, rolls off, dunnit? An' Geordie walks out the pub.
Now, we've not seen 'im in there for ten years an' what's he bin doin'? I tell you what he's bin doin' he's bin practisin', ain'e.
Every mornin', orange on 'is nose.
Every lunchtime, every evenin', every spare available minute of that man's time, he's bin practisin' balancin' an orange on 'is nose.
Ten years later, to the very day, he's walked back in the pub.
An' he's bowled straight up to Luigi, and he's gone (I can't do the accent), "Listen, right, I tell you what," right, "how much d'you wanna bet I can't balance this orange on my nose.
" Yeah? So Luigi's gone, "Fifty notes!" An' they put the money on the table, guv'nor's checked the orange, nuffin' wrong with that an' the whole pub 'as fallen deffly quiet.
You could not hear a pin drop in there.
An' ol' Geordie stood up, all proud like that, he's got the orange and could he balance it? Could he f- You were swell, Chris, just swell.
Thanks, kid.
Thanks.
Ruined! Just ruined! Wassamadder, JB? It's Miss Carlisle, she's broke her ankle, and she can't go on.
What am I gonna do? Donna can do it! Donna? Huh! She's just a raw kid outta the chorus.
She can do it, JB, I know she can! She knows all the songs, all the dance routines.
Mr Baxter! I-I don't know, I She's all right, JB, she's a trooper! She can swing it! Aww! OK, what do I got ta lose.
Donna, I wan' ya ta go out there, I wan' ya ta go out there an' sing your heart out.
You're my only hope.
All right, I'll do it! Attagirl! But Donna, ya may be goin' out there a youngster, but ya got ta come back a star.
Quick, send on the Patagonians! Both my sister and I take our holidays here ev'ry year.
We don't like it! Never have! We're from the Isle o' Man.
Yes! We've seen Judith Chalmers.
I don't drink at all! Republicca presente totalla bien cantesera Chanel Nine! Bono estente.
- Eh, bono estente.
Chris Waddle! Scopolos e mia cantathos enzyme scandabrot.
Running bear godo katrini mincing machine iscandente stuta canthos katrini godo vacuum vacuum alala vacuum.
Spoot! O pizza, "Bighardia!" Lynn Perry tighty face, godo.
Waikiki, hokothoy moyo marionette auto careeren netremos katrini hootrow, Harry Secombe.
Mondeo, car of the year.
Powder blue uno primiath fabian.
Iscandente tuta canthos Sid Jymes, "Carry on Campeeng".
Poco poco metera poco revolutionaro katrini Network Southeast.
Neketras, scudenten godos scopolos.
Cheyenne, cossock, hillock, tassock, bollock.
Nyah, Poula, mit weekend meteorologicos.
Poula! - Allo.
Allo.
Weekend meteorologicos bonos solo, "at the weekend".
A Valley Portos, scorchio! A Formenteras, scorchio! Minia communo exterior - scorchio! Manto Blanco - scorchio.
Coasta - scorchio.
Aplogogias - te problematico technik, Poutremos! Aww, pauvre Poula, mio condolesias.
(Eh! Mia notorez Poula, eh?) Bighardia! Heth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, eth eth eth eth, eth eth eth eth.
Blup, blup, absconda beesh.
Helethos cula carotin potar peggio mini quai-ver.
Wank.
Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico, te "bai-by-gizmo".
Novello proboscis multo multo kinagrophos.
Vo, tidiaka mit fon shoni veronico.
Tefaselos action-pumpo! Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "bai-by-gizmo".
Ow-bai-by-gizmo! Seetremos, imposto mia coppa ts-sent dopo.
Ullom! Costos, locka ring ring foll e te thereth, ha-ha! Toona me minty semibreve.
- Crotchet! Ha-ha! Boutros, boutros ghali.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
Me thought I heard a voice cry, "Sleep no more!" Macbeth does murder sleep," the innocent sleep, sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleave of care, the death of each day's life, sore labour's bath "What do you mean?" Still it cried, "Sleep no more!" to all the house: Glamis hath murder'd sleep, and therefore Cawdor shall sleep no more.
Macbeth shall sleep no more! Who was it that thus cried? Anyone fancy a pint? Onny it's draggin' on a bit, innit? Anyone? No? Oh, well.
Who was it that thus cried? Why, worthy Thane, you do unbend your your noble strength Two pound sixty three for a pint o' lager? You must be bloody jokin', barman.
Oi, love, got the right money? Only it's very temperamental, this.
'ere, give us it.
You want two fifties, a pound, and two twennies.
What do you want? Well Silk Cut.
Oh, ain't got none o' them.
Bensons do ya? Bit stronger, more poke in 'em? I used to smoke three-fives, State Express.
What happened to them? I do not know.
Mind you, bit rough on the old throat, but I likes 'em.
There you go, that one in there, oizy-doizy-doh.
That one goes in there like that lovely, smashin'.
Oh! Empty.
Don't worry, I'll tell the guv'nor.
Brian? Oh, he's not on.
No use tellin' 'er, she's as silly as arseholes.
What I would do if I were you, is write to the manufacturer.
Oi, mate, 'old the bells! No, 'old the bells! One time, right, I was standing next to this American lady in a shop, an' she asked for a "yoh-gurt" instead of a yoghurt.
Bugger! Ah missed it.
Ah bloody knew that were goin' ter r'appen.
Ah'm on me way down t' British Legion Club.
Ah generally pop down ev'ry Tuesd'y afternoon 'ave a game o' cards, or p'raps some dominoes.
Usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now ah 'spect ah'll be stood 'ere all bloomin' day waitin' fer another bus! Crikey! 'ere's a stroke o' luck, ere's one now! Now, this bit of film is very interesting, because it reminds me of the time when young Arthur came to see me, and he was covering for me at the Rialto, and he popped in to see me on the ward there, and I said to him, "Lad, don't you be frightened, you just get out there and do what you do best.
" And he cocked his head to one side, like a young bird, and he smiled at me, winked, and he was away.
And it was only after he'd gone that I realised he had in fact stolen a picture of my wife and child, from the bedside cabinet.
Still, that was Arthur.
(I never got it back).
Anyway, here he is.
Arthur Atkinson.
Ooh, it's hot today, isn't it? He-he-he-he-he! Eh? Where's me washboard? Wooh! Hey-hey! That was a big wave, wasn't it? Blimey, is it damp in 'ere, or is it me? 'ow queer! He-he-he-he-he! Ooh! Cor blimey, look at 'im! Eh? Who are you, Billy the Kid from Hackney Wick? Eh? He-he-he-he-he! Where's me washboard? Now, pardon me 'ow about that for a lovely parapet? (Or is it pirouette?) I know - but I ain't tellin'! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! March the 2nd, that was a nice day, wasn't it? Woo-hoo-hoo! Eh? (There's a terrible draft in 'ere).
Eh? Were you 'anging yer bloomers out this morning, madam? I doubt it not in this wind.
But I know you do like to 'ang out yer bloomers.
Hu-hoo-hu-hoo-hu-hoo-hu-hoo! 'ere I made meself laugh there, that's never 'appened before.
Ha-ha-ha! Unless there's been money involved, o' course! Ha! I don't know what you're grimacin' at, sir, I've seen yer vomit up an' down in the jar like a bit o' pickled onion, ooh, eh? Aww, give us 'alf a pound o' cracklin' please.
Eh? What about? whatsoever stale cakes? He-he-he-he-he! Now, I've see you in the butchers buying liver instead o' lamb! That's no way to run a boardin' 'ouse, is it? Eh? 'ow queer! 'ow queer! Cor, thanks very much, you've been a smashin' audience.
Goodnight, everyone! You ain't seen me, right? Open up, Nicky! Come on, open up Nicky! Don't be a silly boy, Nicky! It's no use hidin', Come on! Open up! Last chance, Nicky! Last chance! Last chance, Nicky! Kentucky? Dah Curry? - Had one this mornin'.
This Irish granny I've got, she wun't go into a video shop an' ask for a film.
She'd go in an' ask for a, a filam, like that.
Dangermouse, that one, B.
Oh! It was yesterday Oh, sorry, put anuvver pound in.
Yeah, what you wanna do is, really, your best bet is if you don't know the answer, just press B.
Y'see what I mean? That gives you a one in free chance.
But, er, what you should do really is get a few of your pals in 'ere, like.
Y'know what I mean? Like, get one mate in 'ere who's an expert on lakes.
An' get, er, 'nother pal in 'ere who knows the names of all the American presidents.
See what I mean? Get anuvver one o' yer muckers in 'ere who's an expert on valuable vases.
D'you get me drift? An' that way, you give yourself more of an ultimate chance, y'know what I'm sayin'? Yeah, I'm a big cat expert, meself.
Yeah, nothin' I don't know about the leopard an' the tiger, an 'at.
Times I've stood by this machine waitin' for a big cat question.
Puma! Puma! Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
At the weekend, I continued my research into a particularly rare species of dinosaur.
After building a time machine out of a station wagon, some pots and pans, and some aluminum tin foil, I attempted to travel back in time five million years.
The results were disappointing.
I then realised that it would be more sensible to excavate some fossils, and then re-assemble the bones.
I tried to make a mental picture, of what it was like to be a gruff caveman.
Now Dave, and particle acceleration.
Dave.
Hey! Ain't it brilliant these days, pubs are open all day! Brilliant! They never used to be.
It's brilliant, fantastic! You can drink all day! Brilliant! An' 'ave you seen those new photoshops where you can get your pictures developed in, like, two hours? Two hours! It used to take a week! Brilliant! An' you know answerphones? They're fantastic, aren't they? I've got one, but I don't know how it works.
Paint's good, innit? Y'know, all them colours, an' that.
Yeah.
D'you know what, in London, they've got these brilliant trains that go under the ground.
You don't suffocate or nowt! Fantastic! An' what about them animals you can get? You can keep 'em in your 'ouse, an' they're all furry, an' you can stroke 'em, an' make up names for 'em, an' they're called dogs.
An' smaller ones are called cats.
It's brilliant! Everything's just fantastic! It's something of a myth that Thai food is difficult to prepare.
I mean, it's like anything else, if you've got the ingredients, it's no harder than Italian or French.
That's true, but, erm, some Italian dishes can take an age to prepare.
Oh, yeah.
In some cases between two or three days.
How do you do those fantastic Italian baked peppers, Bruce? Well, you de-seed the peppers add a little thyme, some garlic, anchovies olive oil, naturally, and then you put them in a deep dish.
But, you mustn't cover them, because then, and only then, do you get those wonderful nutty bits on the top Oh! and it's like heaven.
Then you can take a small pan EY! You know mini-kievs, yeah? On the menu, would they be under starters, or main-courses? I'll get me coat.
Do dogs make better pets than cats? Or vice versa? Hard to say, really.
Lot to be said for both.
I keep coy carp.
Don't miss on next weeks show, "She's different with boys".
I was thinking maybe a Golf.
Bollocks! Very eighties.
No, you wanna get yourself summink with a bit more poke.
I test drove a BMW series, the other day.
Sixteen valve engine.
Admittedly, lacks a bit of low down grunt but it corners like it's on rails.
Really superb chassis.
Hi, girls.
This is Martin.
Hewwo! Hi.
Ooh! Perhaps 'oo can help me.
I was thinking of buying a noo car and I fought, a pink one or a blue one.
Which one would go fastest? Also next week it's Jack Pott and Tom Bowler.
Y'know, instead of "elegant".
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling, let me go! Hello! Hello.
How are we today, sir? Fine, thank you.
You? Radiant, sir.
Radiant.
And what can we do for you, sir? Well I'm, well we're getting married, and I need a suit.
What, you and this lady here, sir? Are you sure, sir? Have you really thought this one through, sir? Oh, I should think so, yes! Very well, sir.
Suits you, sir.
We just wanted something simple you know, maybe a grey suit? What sort of suit were you looking for, sir? Yes, a grey.
Grey, sir? Ooh, suits you, sir.
We thought maybe a morning suit.
Perhaps a morning suit, sir? Ooh, suits you, sir.
Sir would look good in a morning suit.
A big, handsome man like yourself.
I expect your plagued by them, aren't you, sir? The ladies? Shouldn't be surprised if it was a bit inconvenient for you, sir.
Sheer volume of ladies plaguing you.
Will you be giving her a seeing-to tonight, sir? Pardon? The young lady, sir.
Will you be giving her a seeing-to, sir? I don't think that's any of your business! No, of course not, sir.
How clever of you to have noticed, sir.
Yes, really, Ken, it's quite inappropriate.
None of our business if he's up all night rogering the tart, is it, sir? We should try another place! Would sir like to sit down? Does sir have a honeymoon hotel booked? Well, IÂ Ooh, will it be the bridal suite, sir? Ooh, I do hope so, sir.
Will it be the bridal? No, he'll just hold her by the ears.
Ooh, sorry, sir.
Old joke, sir.
Just slipped it in, sir.
You'll be slipping it in tonight, won't you, sir? Ooh, suits you, sir! Suits you, sir! Can I watch, sir? May I take pictures, sir? Ooh! Suit you! Oh, go on, let them.
Ooh! Suits you, madam! Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
'old the bells! 'old the bells, mate! Go on, 'old them two bells.
Go on, press the start.
This should pay out a mint, yeah? Right, change that for the nudge, come out a way and that third one drops right in.
Three pound twenny.
Oh! Ain't come in, that's wierd.
I had a win there, two quid.
Yeah, should'a paid out 'specially after the cherry sequence.
Well, it didn't.
Don't blame me, mate, I'm only trying to 'elp.
Blame Ennard Leisure, they're makin' all the dough, ain'ey, eh? Oi, mate, one on the black in this pub! Well, of course it was a major tragedy that England didn't qualify for the world cup.
But, Tommy, do you still think the English game can cut it? Oh, you've got the players.
I mean, that was proved in 1990.
For me, it's a question of motivation.
Ron Manager, you've been involved in the game for over forty years.
What do you think? Oh, yes, you know, soccer, isn't it, hmm? Small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, last goalie Enduring image, isn't it, hmm? Association football? English national game! 1966 there's people on the pitch they think it's all over, it is now! Haw! Little Alan Ball? Childish in mid-field, hmm? High-pitched voice? Ginge? Bobby Moore, holding it aloft.
You know.
Marvellous.
Now other people lay the blame fairly and squarely at Graham Taylor's door.
Ooh, Graham Taylor isn't it sad wasn't it, huh? Lawrie McNenemie Power behind the throne? You now, behind every small man there's a large man? Holding it aloft? Isn't there? Ah yes, now Tommy, as I was saying, the modern game Ooh, the modern game! Haw, Matthew LeTissiay, you know.
Lazy, but gifted.
Look out, keeper, don't stray off your line, or he'll chip you! Michael Clough, able to unlock defence with a single ball.
His father? Haw-haw, old bighead.
Character, isn't he, you know.
Early seventies, enduring image, Derby county, baseball ground, Steve Wright! Baseball, you know, American national game, mmm? Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, friend of Frank Sinatra, married to Marilyn Monroe, link with the Kennedies ooh, scandal! Huh! You know, ooh, open car, Dallas, enduring image, top of the head, phwish! Jackie Kennedy holding it aloft, wasn't it, hmm? Two goals, wasn't it, one from the grassy knoll? Morning.
Everything all right? Yeah, everything's fine.
You're not stuck, or anything? No.
Ha-ha-ha! No.
No.
No way, we're off-roaders! Not stuck, no, er, just looking at the map.
You're not thinking of going over there, are you? Across there? No.
No, er, we're thinking of going across there.
See, over there, that's er, that's all bog, that.
I wouldn't even take me tractor in there.
No, we're well aware of that, er It's clearly marked on our charts, here.
I was just saying to Lindsay, we'd be bloody stupid I'm Lin I'm Lindsay.
yeah, we'd be bloody stupid to risk driving straight through the middle of a bog.
And I replied, "Yes!" Good luck, lads.
Thanks.
- Thanks very much.
Bye! Have a nice day farming.
Sod it.
What floor's that again love? - 22nd.
The 22nd? Sir.
Right, what's the score? Well, it looks like he's holed up in a flat, on the, er, 22nd floor.
What's he done this time, the little toe-rag? He's only gone an' robbed a restaurant.
Food? Bastard! Bastard! Let's get 'im.
Lift! Stairs.
Nah! Pub? Yeah! Grub? - Yeah! Pub, grub? - Yeah! Evenin'! - Hello there! Still here, then? No, no, no, not er, not stuck here anyway, if that's what you mean.
No, no, er, we've been for a drive.
We've been all over.
Went right over there, all that way.
And we came back, and stopped here again.
So your not stuck, then? No, we're not stuck.
No.
No, we're off-roaders.
We know what we're doing.
Good luck, lads.
Many thanks.
Thanks very much, bye! Ask him, Lindsay.
Excuse me Er, you haven't got a tractor, have you? What for, why? Er we're stuck.
It'll cost yer.
Tenner? Fifty? Hundred.
Done.
One time, right, I was talkin' to this Danish girl, and she said, "the willage", instead of "the village".
Oi, mate, hold the bells.
Hold the bells.
That's it! Hold them two.
Right, press that, third one'll drop in.
That's wierd.
Right, press that.
Oh, that's wierd.
Give it another one.
Hold on, yes, that's really gonna pay out now.
Tell you what, when that pays out we should all bucket.
Go on! The third one always drops in always on the third time.
That's wierd.
Yeah, should'a come in.
Tell you what give it a dig there.
Not too hard, just give it a little dig.
Oi, love! You know how to work that machine? You want ten, twenty, fifty and a pound Ted! Fancy bumping into you like this.
Out of the blue.
As it were.
So this is what you do, on your day off.
That's marvellous.
Fishing, I expect, Ted? What are you fishing for, Ted? Fish.
Fish.
Yes.
Ted, I I'd er, I'd better be pushing off actually.
It's a early start tomorrow, bright and early.
Er, shall I see you, tomorrow? Oh, of course I shall.
Er erm well! What a coincidence Ted.
I really love East 17, right? They're amazin', right? They're just like dead normal lads from London town, but, they're amazin'.
And d'you know what, d'you know why they're called East 17, right? Cos they're from East 17.
Which is like, East of 17 or somethin'.
You know what, right, this is Brian, he's me favourite.
He's only dead small, but he's got a really fit arse, right? An' you know what, 'is birthd'y is on the 17th of May, right? Guess when my birthd'y is? 25th of May.
In't that really wierd, right? Oh, an' I went seein' 'im, right, the other week, an' it were the most excitin' moment in me life since last time I went seein' 'im.
An' that were the most excitin' moment in me life, as well.
Y'know what, right, y'know Brian, right, he really cares about the environment.
Y'know, cos he's a vegetarian.
An' I'm not a vegetarian, but, that's cos I really like eatin' meat.
But, I won't eat anythin' with a head left on, cos o' Brian.
Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
Oi! I know this geezer, right, Geordie, nice fellah.
Builder.
One eyebrow higher than the uvver.
Anyway, he was in the pub one day, an' this geezer comes up to 'im Luigi 'is name was, Welsh bloke, freak o' nature (webbed hands) an' he sez to 'im "Look you," (I can't do the accent) Look you, right, I bet you ten pound you can't balance this orange on your nose.
Awright? An' Geordie tries it, rolls off, dunnit? An' Geordie walks out the pub.
Now, we've not seen 'im in there for ten years an' what's he bin doin'? I tell you what he's bin doin' he's bin practisin', ain'e.
Every mornin', orange on 'is nose.
Every lunchtime, every evenin', every spare available minute of that man's time, he's bin practisin' balancin' an orange on 'is nose.
Ten years later, to the very day, he's walked back in the pub.
An' he's bowled straight up to Luigi, and he's gone (I can't do the accent), "Listen, right, I tell you what," right, "how much d'you wanna bet I can't balance this orange on my nose.
" Yeah? So Luigi's gone, "Fifty notes!" An' they put the money on the table, guv'nor's checked the orange, nuffin' wrong with that an' the whole pub 'as fallen deffly quiet.
You could not hear a pin drop in there.
An' ol' Geordie stood up, all proud like that, he's got the orange and could he balance it? Could he f- You were swell, Chris, just swell.
Thanks, kid.
Thanks.
Ruined! Just ruined! Wassamadder, JB? It's Miss Carlisle, she's broke her ankle, and she can't go on.
What am I gonna do? Donna can do it! Donna? Huh! She's just a raw kid outta the chorus.
She can do it, JB, I know she can! She knows all the songs, all the dance routines.
Mr Baxter! I-I don't know, I She's all right, JB, she's a trooper! She can swing it! Aww! OK, what do I got ta lose.
Donna, I wan' ya ta go out there, I wan' ya ta go out there an' sing your heart out.
You're my only hope.
All right, I'll do it! Attagirl! But Donna, ya may be goin' out there a youngster, but ya got ta come back a star.
Quick, send on the Patagonians! Both my sister and I take our holidays here ev'ry year.
We don't like it! Never have! We're from the Isle o' Man.
Yes! We've seen Judith Chalmers.
I don't drink at all! Republicca presente totalla bien cantesera Chanel Nine! Bono estente.
- Eh, bono estente.
Chris Waddle! Scopolos e mia cantathos enzyme scandabrot.
Running bear godo katrini mincing machine iscandente stuta canthos katrini godo vacuum vacuum alala vacuum.
Spoot! O pizza, "Bighardia!" Lynn Perry tighty face, godo.
Waikiki, hokothoy moyo marionette auto careeren netremos katrini hootrow, Harry Secombe.
Mondeo, car of the year.
Powder blue uno primiath fabian.
Iscandente tuta canthos Sid Jymes, "Carry on Campeeng".
Poco poco metera poco revolutionaro katrini Network Southeast.
Neketras, scudenten godos scopolos.
Cheyenne, cossock, hillock, tassock, bollock.
Nyah, Poula, mit weekend meteorologicos.
Poula! - Allo.
Allo.
Weekend meteorologicos bonos solo, "at the weekend".
A Valley Portos, scorchio! A Formenteras, scorchio! Minia communo exterior - scorchio! Manto Blanco - scorchio.
Coasta - scorchio.
Aplogogias - te problematico technik, Poutremos! Aww, pauvre Poula, mio condolesias.
(Eh! Mia notorez Poula, eh?) Bighardia! Heth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, eth eth eth eth, eth eth eth eth.
Blup, blup, absconda beesh.
Helethos cula carotin potar peggio mini quai-ver.
Wank.
Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico, te "bai-by-gizmo".
Novello proboscis multo multo kinagrophos.
Vo, tidiaka mit fon shoni veronico.
Tefaselos action-pumpo! Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "bai-by-gizmo".
Ow-bai-by-gizmo! Seetremos, imposto mia coppa ts-sent dopo.
Ullom! Costos, locka ring ring foll e te thereth, ha-ha! Toona me minty semibreve.
- Crotchet! Ha-ha! Boutros, boutros ghali.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
Me thought I heard a voice cry, "Sleep no more!" Macbeth does murder sleep," the innocent sleep, sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleave of care, the death of each day's life, sore labour's bath "What do you mean?" Still it cried, "Sleep no more!" to all the house: Glamis hath murder'd sleep, and therefore Cawdor shall sleep no more.
Macbeth shall sleep no more! Who was it that thus cried? Anyone fancy a pint? Onny it's draggin' on a bit, innit? Anyone? No? Oh, well.
Who was it that thus cried? Why, worthy Thane, you do unbend your your noble strength Two pound sixty three for a pint o' lager? You must be bloody jokin', barman.
Oi, love, got the right money? Only it's very temperamental, this.
'ere, give us it.
You want two fifties, a pound, and two twennies.
What do you want? Well Silk Cut.
Oh, ain't got none o' them.
Bensons do ya? Bit stronger, more poke in 'em? I used to smoke three-fives, State Express.
What happened to them? I do not know.
Mind you, bit rough on the old throat, but I likes 'em.
There you go, that one in there, oizy-doizy-doh.
That one goes in there like that lovely, smashin'.
Oh! Empty.
Don't worry, I'll tell the guv'nor.
Brian? Oh, he's not on.
No use tellin' 'er, she's as silly as arseholes.
What I would do if I were you, is write to the manufacturer.
Oi, mate, 'old the bells! No, 'old the bells! One time, right, I was standing next to this American lady in a shop, an' she asked for a "yoh-gurt" instead of a yoghurt.
Bugger! Ah missed it.
Ah bloody knew that were goin' ter r'appen.
Ah'm on me way down t' British Legion Club.
Ah generally pop down ev'ry Tuesd'y afternoon 'ave a game o' cards, or p'raps some dominoes.
Usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now ah 'spect ah'll be stood 'ere all bloomin' day waitin' fer another bus! Crikey! 'ere's a stroke o' luck, ere's one now! Now, this bit of film is very interesting, because it reminds me of the time when young Arthur came to see me, and he was covering for me at the Rialto, and he popped in to see me on the ward there, and I said to him, "Lad, don't you be frightened, you just get out there and do what you do best.
" And he cocked his head to one side, like a young bird, and he smiled at me, winked, and he was away.
And it was only after he'd gone that I realised he had in fact stolen a picture of my wife and child, from the bedside cabinet.
Still, that was Arthur.
(I never got it back).
Anyway, here he is.
Arthur Atkinson.
Ooh, it's hot today, isn't it? He-he-he-he-he! Eh? Where's me washboard? Wooh! Hey-hey! That was a big wave, wasn't it? Blimey, is it damp in 'ere, or is it me? 'ow queer! He-he-he-he-he! Ooh! Cor blimey, look at 'im! Eh? Who are you, Billy the Kid from Hackney Wick? Eh? He-he-he-he-he! Where's me washboard? Now, pardon me 'ow about that for a lovely parapet? (Or is it pirouette?) I know - but I ain't tellin'! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! March the 2nd, that was a nice day, wasn't it? Woo-hoo-hoo! Eh? (There's a terrible draft in 'ere).
Eh? Were you 'anging yer bloomers out this morning, madam? I doubt it not in this wind.
But I know you do like to 'ang out yer bloomers.
Hu-hoo-hu-hoo-hu-hoo-hu-hoo! 'ere I made meself laugh there, that's never 'appened before.
Ha-ha-ha! Unless there's been money involved, o' course! Ha! I don't know what you're grimacin' at, sir, I've seen yer vomit up an' down in the jar like a bit o' pickled onion, ooh, eh? Aww, give us 'alf a pound o' cracklin' please.
Eh? What about? whatsoever stale cakes? He-he-he-he-he! Now, I've see you in the butchers buying liver instead o' lamb! That's no way to run a boardin' 'ouse, is it? Eh? 'ow queer! 'ow queer! Cor, thanks very much, you've been a smashin' audience.
Goodnight, everyone! You ain't seen me, right? Open up, Nicky! Come on, open up Nicky! Don't be a silly boy, Nicky! It's no use hidin', Come on! Open up! Last chance, Nicky! Last chance! Last chance, Nicky! Kentucky? Dah Curry? - Had one this mornin'.
This Irish granny I've got, she wun't go into a video shop an' ask for a film.
She'd go in an' ask for a, a filam, like that.
Dangermouse, that one, B.
Oh! It was yesterday Oh, sorry, put anuvver pound in.
Yeah, what you wanna do is, really, your best bet is if you don't know the answer, just press B.
Y'see what I mean? That gives you a one in free chance.
But, er, what you should do really is get a few of your pals in 'ere, like.
Y'know what I mean? Like, get one mate in 'ere who's an expert on lakes.
An' get, er, 'nother pal in 'ere who knows the names of all the American presidents.
See what I mean? Get anuvver one o' yer muckers in 'ere who's an expert on valuable vases.
D'you get me drift? An' that way, you give yourself more of an ultimate chance, y'know what I'm sayin'? Yeah, I'm a big cat expert, meself.
Yeah, nothin' I don't know about the leopard an' the tiger, an 'at.
Times I've stood by this machine waitin' for a big cat question.
Puma! Puma! Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
At the weekend, I continued my research into a particularly rare species of dinosaur.
After building a time machine out of a station wagon, some pots and pans, and some aluminum tin foil, I attempted to travel back in time five million years.
The results were disappointing.
I then realised that it would be more sensible to excavate some fossils, and then re-assemble the bones.
I tried to make a mental picture, of what it was like to be a gruff caveman.
Now Dave, and particle acceleration.
Dave.
Hey! Ain't it brilliant these days, pubs are open all day! Brilliant! They never used to be.
It's brilliant, fantastic! You can drink all day! Brilliant! An' 'ave you seen those new photoshops where you can get your pictures developed in, like, two hours? Two hours! It used to take a week! Brilliant! An' you know answerphones? They're fantastic, aren't they? I've got one, but I don't know how it works.
Paint's good, innit? Y'know, all them colours, an' that.
Yeah.
D'you know what, in London, they've got these brilliant trains that go under the ground.
You don't suffocate or nowt! Fantastic! An' what about them animals you can get? You can keep 'em in your 'ouse, an' they're all furry, an' you can stroke 'em, an' make up names for 'em, an' they're called dogs.
An' smaller ones are called cats.
It's brilliant! Everything's just fantastic! It's something of a myth that Thai food is difficult to prepare.
I mean, it's like anything else, if you've got the ingredients, it's no harder than Italian or French.
That's true, but, erm, some Italian dishes can take an age to prepare.
Oh, yeah.
In some cases between two or three days.
How do you do those fantastic Italian baked peppers, Bruce? Well, you de-seed the peppers add a little thyme, some garlic, anchovies olive oil, naturally, and then you put them in a deep dish.
But, you mustn't cover them, because then, and only then, do you get those wonderful nutty bits on the top Oh! and it's like heaven.
Then you can take a small pan EY! You know mini-kievs, yeah? On the menu, would they be under starters, or main-courses? I'll get me coat.
Do dogs make better pets than cats? Or vice versa? Hard to say, really.
Lot to be said for both.
I keep coy carp.
Don't miss on next weeks show, "She's different with boys".
I was thinking maybe a Golf.
Bollocks! Very eighties.
No, you wanna get yourself summink with a bit more poke.
I test drove a BMW series, the other day.
Sixteen valve engine.
Admittedly, lacks a bit of low down grunt but it corners like it's on rails.
Really superb chassis.
Hi, girls.
This is Martin.
Hewwo! Hi.
Ooh! Perhaps 'oo can help me.
I was thinking of buying a noo car and I fought, a pink one or a blue one.
Which one would go fastest? Also next week it's Jack Pott and Tom Bowler.