The Flintstones (1960) s01e03 Episode Script

Come on, Fred, make a wish then blow out the candles.
Yeah.
Quiet out there.
I gotta get some sleep.
Barney to the rescue.
Fred, you're home early.
Yep, I wanted to catch you before you started cooking.
Wait till you see what I brought home for dinner.
Fred, if you think I'm gonna stuff pheasant at this hour - It's not pheasant and I'll do the cooking.
- What did you buy? A couple of dinosaur steaks, New York cut, two inches thick.
- They look a little stringy to me.
- Don't be a wise guy.
They're gone.
You must've left them at the butchers.
I tell you I had them when I came right home.
So how could I've - What's that? - Barney, barbecuing next door.
How could those steaks disappear? I swear I didn't stop anywhere.
What's he barbecuing? - Smells like steak.
- Yeah.
And I didn't let this bag out of my sight for a sec Steak? Did you say steak? What a sneak! I just put that bag down for a second.
Hi, neighbor.
How do you like these? Couple of dinosaur steaks, two inches thick.
- Makes your mouth water, doesn't it? - It does, does it? Is he gonna get a fist full of fingers in that mouth.
- Okay, wise guy.
Hand them over.
- Hand what over? - Hey, let go of those steaks.
- Okay, neighbor, you asked for it.
I found your steaks right here on the wall.
You owe Barney an apology.
Yeah, say you're sorry and let me have them.
I'm sorry and I'm gonna let you have both of them.
What's that for? That's for the next thing you do wrong.
It's ridiculous, that's what it is.
Two grown men acting like a couple of kids.
They haven't spoken to each other for five days.
I'm sick and tired of it.
I told Barney to go right over and make up with Fred.
- What did he say? - He absolutely refused.
So I said, "I'm going to invite my mother for a few weeks if you don't.
" Really? What'd he say then? Hi, Wilma.
I'll call you back, Barney is here now.
- Hello, Barney.
- I was just wondering if - How's everything, Wilma? - Fine, Barney.
I'll go call him.
Fred, a friend of yours is here.
If his name's Barney, he's no friend of mine.
It's all right, Wilma.
But as long as I'm here I'd like the return of some property of mine which certain people borrowed but obviously don't intend to ever return.
- I'm referring to my ladder, if I may.
- Of course, Barney, help yourself.
If he's no friend of mine, I'm no friend of his.
You did that on purpose! - So long, neighbor.
- Come back, you coward.
Betty, open the front door for a coward! I'll head him off at the pass.
Help! Fred, are you all right? I will be as soon as I get out of this stupid hole and lay my hands on you.
That's not a stupid hole.
That's gonna be my swimming pool.
I don't care what it's gonna be.
I'm gonna sue you for - Swimming pool? - That's right.
Oh, boy! Swim parties, barbecues, water polo.
You know, the works.
Too bad we're not friends anymore, neighbor.
Maybe you're not my friend, neighbor, but I'm still yours.
- What do you mean? - Just this.
I'm gonna show you how you can get your pool for nothing.
- I don't get it.
- Well, it's simple.
If you build half a pool and somebody gives you the other half free Yeah.
you're getting your half for nothing, right? But who's giving me the other half free? Who is your bosom buddy, close pal, and lifelong friend? - How many guesses do I get? - Barney, you're looking right at him.
See you around, bosom buddy, close pal, and lifelong friend.
Come back here.
- What's that supposed to be? - A diagram of the finished pool.
This is how it works.
Here's your half, and here's my half that you get free with a diving board at either end.
You keep saying I get your half free, but it's in your yard.
Well, without my half you only got half a pool, right? - Yeah, but - All right.
Now look at the advantages of owning a pool with somebody else.
You get all the expenses, the chlorine, the filters, the pool toys the cranophrane, the phonostein.
- The what? - Cranophrane and the phonostein.
You gotta put it in every week, you know? - Sure.
- And it all costs money.
We own the pool together, we share the cost.
- We do? - And besides all that I'm throwing in this little surprise free.
- For me? - For you, buddy.
You're one of the good ones, Fred.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Some friendships are written in blood, Barney-boy but this one is written in water.
- Water? - Pool water, that is.
That's funny.
Start digging.
- I'm digging, Fred.
Look, I'm digging.
- All right.
You have to admit one thing they've been getting along real great since they started this pool deal.
Why not? Barney is doing all the work.
Four thousand more buckets and the last one in is a hot potato.
Keep up the good work, Barney-boy.
You're almost there.
My half isn't even filled yet.
It's a big job, neighbor.
Okay, at this rate it's gonna take all day.
No, it's not.
Relax, Barney.
Because I'm gonna help you.
You are? Yes.
I'm gonna get you a bigger bucket.
- How do I look? - Tres chic, sir.
You might say around the world in 80 inches.
Yeah, it is tres chic, all right, even if I say so myself.
You think it's a little tight around the middle? No.
Snug, perhaps, but tight, never.
You have a handsome physique, sir.
Yeah, I know.
Barney should have it filled by now.
Oh, boy, swim parties, barbecues - All through, Barney? - Last bucket, Fred.
Last one in is a hot potato.
Wait for me! Out goes the bad air In goes the good - We should have left them in for good.
- Don't give me any ideas.
Out goes the bad air Wilma, when are we going shopping? As soon as I serve His Majesty's lunch.
He's dining at the pool today.
- Where's Barney? - He's trying on his gear.
Gear? He's gonna practice spearfishing in the pool.
Spearfishing? I'll be right back.
I gotta go feed the fish.
- Where do you want it, Fred? - Set it down where I can reach it.
And remember if you sink don't let my best dishes go down with the ship.
- Take me to your leader.
- Barney, it's you.
Did my spearfishing outfit scare you? Out of my wits.
And don't scare Fred, or he'll lose his lunch and my dishes.
Hi, Fred.
- And what are you made up for? - I'm gonna practice spearfishing.
You can't lose.
You'll spear them or they'll die laughing.
How does it work? And don't point that thing at me.
- I'm sorry.
- It's loaded.
You're making it awful tough to be good neighbors.
No use wasting the lunch.
Hey, Charlie, how soon till quitting time? Any minute now, Fred.
I can't wait to hit that pool.
And thar she blows.
Last one in is a Now what? Hi, Fred.
Grab a shoehorn, and squeeze in.
"Squeeze in" where? Neighbor, you and me have to have a little talk.
And who ordered this pool full of people? They are not people.
It's the YCMA.
- I'm letting them use it.
- You mean the YMCA.
No, YCMA: Young Cavemen's Association.
Hey, buster, you're getting a little heavy.
Last week it was the Boy Scouts.
Monday, your relatives.
Tuesday, it was your club.
And last night, the bowling team.
"Last night, the bowling team.
" When do I get to use my half of the pool? You are forgetting, neighbor, that your half is my free half and I'm letting you use it.
You are an ungrateful ingrate.
And there is only one way to handle an ungrateful ingrate.
Is this any way to treat your bosom buddy close pal, and lifelong friend? Barney, you're right.
This is no way to treat a bosom buddy, a close pal, a lifelong friend.
This is! Now what? We're only gone a couple of hours we come back and you got a spike fence up.
It's simpler this way.
When he wants to use his half he does.
And when I wanna use my half, I do.
And right now I intend to use my half with a fancy one-and-a-half.
- Hi, neighbor.
- Barney, what happened? I took out my half of the water.
Why should I fill the pool for that hippopotamus next door? Because the wife of that hippopotamus next door happens to be my best friend.
That's why.
The fence comes down because the wife of that little sawed-off runt happens to be my best friend.
And another thing.
This constant quibbling between the two of you has got to come to an end.
Not a bad idea.
- Where's Fred? - He's inside taking a nap.
I haven't seen him since D-day.
You mean "D" for "Down-With-The-Fence"-day? You know Fred, he's decided: "That pool isn't big enough for the two of us.
" Barney and his buddies are sure using it.
You know big, kind-hearted Barney: "Sure, come over, use the pool.
" "Big, kind-hearted Barney.
" Don't forget.
Barney is having the bunch over tonight.
- I know.
- Does Fred know? No.
But if he asks, I'll tell him Barney's having a pool-warming party.
"Pool-warming party"? Sounds like the call of the male gripe-o-saurus.
- You bellowed? - I did.
I understand "big, kind-hearted Barney" is having a pool-warming which includes using my half of the pool without my permission.
You get the message and I've got one for you.
I don't want any trouble.
You think I'd make trouble for my bosom buddy close friend, and lifelong pal? - Is that what you're intimating? - No, that's not what I'm intimating.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Wilma, I'm surprised at you.
Why would I make trouble for Barney just because he's been a little unneighborly? Just because he's a little ungrateful? Just because he's the biggest rat I ever met? Don't be silly.
Hello.
Who? - It's for you, Charlie.
- Tell them to hold it a minute, Mac.
Eight rock in the corner pocket.
He'll be right with you.
Ten rock the hard way.
Yeah? Hello, Fred.
Do you a favor? Yeah, listen.
I'm playing a gag on a neighbor.
Remember the outfit you wore at the Halloween party? You mean the policeman's suit? Yeah.
Bust in and give them the disturbing-the-peace routine? Yeah, no more parties, or I'll throw the book at them.
No, they won't know you.
You put on that phony mustache and the big nose.
We'll have a load of laughs.
- What are you up to, Fred? - Me? What makes you say that? I know you, Fred Flintstone.
Don't try anything funny.
I promise you, Wilma, if I try anything, it won't be funny.
Don't you realize Barney is really the best friend you've got? And with him for a friend, I don't need any enemies.
See who's at the door.
I don't get it.
Why do you always have to stick up for that knee-high Gila monster? For he's a jolly good neighbor Remember, this was Barney's idea.
For he's jolly good bosom buddy, lifelong friend, and pal Happy birthday, Freddie-boy! My buddy! Come on, Fred.
Make a wish, then blow out the candles.
Okay.
Let's see, I wish Quiet out there! I gotta get some sleep.
Ever since that pool went in, nobody sleeps.
Okay, this is all-out war.
Yes, madam, we'll take care of it.
Yes, I know, sir.
We'll quiet it down.
I know you're a taxpayer.
I know.
Calling car 809.
Yes, Sarge? Investigate riot at Fifth and Stone Canyon.
Right, Sarge.
Over and out.
Let's go, Pete.
Barney to the rescue! Barney is having a ball.
Looks like this pool-warming party is coming to a boil.
All right, everybody, the party's over.
Let's quiet it down, folks or I'll have to book you on a 407, a 609 and a 33-and-a-third.
We got a dozen complaints.
Swell job, Charlie.
Let's ham it up a little.
So, the party's over, big mouth? Big mouth? How would you like to take a running 407-and-a-half into the pool? All right, wise guy, I'm gonna run you in.
You mean I'm gonna run you in.
Into the pool, that is.
- Fred, have you flipped? - Relax, Wilma.
That's no policeman, that's my friend Charlie.
- Fred.
- Yeah, Charlie? - I couldn't get the policeman's suit.
- That's okay, Charlie.
Who's that in the pool? It ain't Brigitte Bardot.
"Disturbing the peace, resisting arrest.
"Dunking an officer.
" Et cetera, et cetera.
I didn't even have a piece of me own birthday cake.
How do I get into these messes? Barney-boy, am I glad to see a human face.
How are you, Fred, old pal? - I'm okay, I guess.
- Relax, Fred.
We'll have you out as soon as the judge sets bail.
- Thanks, old pal.
- And in the meantime: Happy birthday, bosom buddy, close friend and lifelong pal You're one of the good ones.
- Thanks for bailing me out, Barney.
- What are neighbors for? Is Wilma still mad? She'll get over it.
She gave me the bail money, didn't she? Like you said, Fred, "This friendship is written in water.
- "Pool water, that is.
" - Speaking of pool water You mean, "Last one in"? Fred, I forgot to tell you.
I had to clean the pool, so I drained it.
Wilma! Come on, Wilma, open this door!